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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep. 16, 2009
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    35

    Default When the spouse/SO isn't into horses... Update pg4

    So after 10 years of being together and 5 years of marriage one would hope that my DH would understand that no amount of complaining will remove the horse gene. Furthermore, one would hope that he wouldn't DWELL on it. However, I am not so lucky.

    He has once again zeroed in on my one true passion as the flashpoint for every conversation we have. <beats head into wall>

    Any great tips for dealing with not so supportive other half??
    Last edited by g8dgirls; Aug. 23, 2012 at 09:26 PM. Reason: Update



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2004
    Location
    Saratoga Springs, NY
    Posts
    4,650

    Default

    I've gotten lucky in that my ex husband, and later, timex jr's father were both relatively supportive of the horses, would stop by the barn on their own to feed carrots, etc, and now that jr is showing, his dad comes and cheers him on. And the current SO is a horseman himself, so he gets it far too well. So, while I don't have any first hand advice for you, good luck in dealing with him! It must be hard having him be unsupportive of what you love.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug. 30, 2007
    Location
    Illinois, USA
    Posts
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    Default

    Tell him the horses make you happy. It shouldn't be any more difficult than that. He should want you to be happy.
    Tell a Gelding. Ask a Stallion. Discuss it with a Mare... Pray if it's a Pony!



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep. 16, 2009
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    Default

    I'm not sure my happiness has ever been a priority of his : (



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec. 27, 1999
    Location
    Midland, NC, USA
    Posts
    7,295

    Default

    If that is the case.... Tell him not to let the door hit him in the *ss on the way out.

    I mean, theoretically, you would support whatever nonsense makes HIM happy.... (I just spent an hour on the computer hunting down "that section of the dash over the heater thingy" for DH's 1970 Cuda.... yeah it's called a HEATER CONTROL PANEL sheesh! And costs $120!!!!!)

    Jennifer



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug. 30, 2007
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    Illinois, USA
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ThirdCharm View Post
    If that is the case.... Tell him not to let the door hit him in the *ss on the way out.

    Jennifer
    Agreed.
    Tell a Gelding. Ask a Stallion. Discuss it with a Mare... Pray if it's a Pony!



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Nov. 30, 2007
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    242

    Default I feel your pain

    My DH (married 30 years) sounds similar to yours. I went the first years of marriage horseless, and then after my kids were mostly grown got back in. He wishes I hadn't, I wish I'd never been out.

    I wish I had wisdom for you.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    May. 11, 2009
    Location
    Dairyville USA
    Posts
    2,979

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ThirdCharm View Post
    If that is the case.... Tell him not to let the door hit him in the *ss on the way out.

    I mean, theoretically, you would support whatever nonsense makes HIM happy.... (I just spent an hour on the computer hunting down "that section of the dash over the heater thingy" for DH's 1970 Cuda.... yeah it's called a HEATER CONTROL PANEL sheesh! And costs $120!!!!!)

    Jennifer
    ^this

    To be blunt, I'd dump him like a tumor. I dealt with it for about 5 years before and in the beginning of vet school and one of the last straws was when at the dinner table my FIL asked me "when [I] was going to stop wasting money playing with puppies and kittens all day and get a real job" Shortly after that I discovered SO had other girlfriends.

    It was lonely for a while then I met my new SO (now hubby) who is in to cutting horses and medicine so we have lots more in common. Of course, cutting horses come with a cow obsession too lol...

    Anyway, I wish I could say oh tell him XYZ magic phrase and it will make everything ok but I can't. I think that he resents your horses and nothing can fix that-so I can offer only hugs and sympathy.
    Michael: Seems the people who burned me want me for a job.
    Sam: A job? Does it pay?
    Michael: Nah, it's more of a "we'll kill you if you don't do it" type of thing.
    Sam: Oh. I've never liked those.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb. 23, 2000
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    5,548

    Default

    Been there, done that and they don't change. I do wish you well.

    http://community.webshots.com/user/ballyduff
    \"If you are going through hell, keep going.\" ~Churchill~



  10. #10
    Join Date
    May. 15, 2006
    Location
    Eastern WV Panhandle
    Posts
    1,246

    Default

    DH has plenty of hobbies and passions that don't interest me, and vice versa. I don't complain about them, and he doesn't complain about the horse or dogs. He knew that getting married meant getting a "package deal", so to speak, and I knew that marrying him meant that he would be spending time with his buddies messing with or racing his Corvette. I would never demand that he give that up, just as he would never demand that I give up the horse, because those activities make us happy.

    Having said that, if for some reason we couldn't afford the horse or his toys then yes, they would be gone. I'm assuming that's not the case here...???

    If you don't have kids and you truly believe that your hubby doesn't care whether or not you're happy, it's time to eject from this relationship.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Feb. 4, 2009
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    Quote Originally Posted by g8dgirls View Post
    I'm not sure my happiness has ever been a priority of his : (
    That's sad. And so much like my ex husband. Really though, if it hadn't been the horse it would have been something else. Hindsight is 20-20 but really anything that diverted my attention from him was a problem. I couldn't even read the newspaper in the evening without constant interruption because I wasn't slavishly paying attention to him.

    You have to decide if your marriage is worth it. Mine wasn't. I was divorced after 10 years of marriage, it's been almost 18 years now. Best choice I ever made. Not one regret on my part. YYMV.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2000
    Location
    San Diego, CA
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    930

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by g8dgirls View Post
    Any great tips for dealing with not so supportive other half??
    Why would you want to?

    You can try counseling, but I wouldn't hold my breath. If he's not interested in whether or not you're happy, you can either resign yourself to always playing second fiddle to whatever he desires or you can make a change (in partners). What you can't do, however, is change him.

    Sorry...



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Sep. 15, 2006
    Posts
    1,511

    Default I'm on the other side of this problem....

    Man who loves and deals with horses and an Ex that accused me of cheating with the young teens (Even though I was over 30) and while I had my 5 year old daughter with me at all times...
    She would try to come up with any BS she could to try to keep me from going to the barn....

    Needless to say she is long gone, and I gave up looking so far....
    " iCOTH " window/bumper stickers. Wood Routed Stall and Farm Signs
    http://www.bluemooncustomsigns.com



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Sep. 16, 2009
    Posts
    35

    Default

    3 kiddos at this point so immediate termination of said relationship not really an option...

    He certainly has his own hobby (mountain biking) and he enjoys that frequently. The money really isn't the issue with the exception that he can say he doesn't have to FEED his bikes...well okay, but I didn't get into horses because they were expensive...it's because they smell so darn good!

    Our hobbies aren't easily shared with our young children at this point so we're constantly disagreeing about who gets to go riding. I choose to keep my horses at my parents (10 min away) so I do spend some of "my" time just feeding/grooming/mucking.

    I was hoping someone might suggest this will get better with time, even though I know better....so I'm still left with...WHAT NEXT...

    I don't want to feel guilty for enjoying my hobby and I don't want berated every time I want to ride. The problem is this is really my only complaint with him....when I say he doesn't care what makes me happy, that's because horses do and he could care less about them.



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Sep. 9, 2007
    Location
    Charleston, SC
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    Default

    My hubby...he has zero choice in the matter and here is why..


    1. When we got married I told him when I do not travel anymore and can afford it I wll have a horse again.

    2. I worked 3 jobs in order to pay off a bunch of bills and buy said horse. Horse #1 was my college graduation gift to myself. Horse #2 was replacement for horse #1 when horse #1 decided that bolting was more fun than working.

    3. He is gone for 1/2 the month for his own job. He does BMX racing, dirt track racing and Tang Soo Do. He has WAY more activites than I do, and spends about the same or more than me on it.

    4. He knows that if he made me get rid of horse, he wuld be escorted out the door without the dog. Dog is mine...
    OTTB - Hurricane Denton - Kane AKA Bubble boy
    Boxer - Tugger's - outlasted my marriage



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Sep. 25, 2008
    Location
    Hershey, PA
    Posts
    115

    Default

    I am reminded weekly that he's know's he's #2, right behind the horse! haha.



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Oct. 25, 2007
    Location
    Somewhere between Here and There
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    Default

    I told hubby before we even started dating that if it came to him or the horse, the horse wins. Actually, I think my exact phrase was "the horse was here before you and he'll be there after you". I was a bit jaded about short lived relationships at the time, but he got the point. It's part of me, and so he is willing to share me with the horse.

    No real advice as you have far more on the plate than I can relate to. But have you told him everything you just said, about being berated and what not? If yes, then I would fluctuate between giving HIM hell every time he goes out to ride, or telling him to not let the door hit him. Also I would start counseling together or alone if he won't go. Even with kids, If you are with a guy that is ok treating you like a 2nd class citizen, you are better off apart in my own opinion.... and trust me, I do not go around suggesting divorce like this.



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jan. 1, 2008
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    4,997

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    Quote Originally Posted by g8dgirls View Post
    Any great tips for dealing with not so supportive other half??
    Make more money than he does...



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Aug. 28, 2007
    Location
    Triangle Area, NC
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by g8dgirls View Post
    3 kiddos at this point so immediate termination of said relationship not really an option...

    He certainly has his own hobby (mountain biking) and he enjoys that frequently. The money really isn't the issue with the exception that he can say he doesn't have to FEED his bikes...well okay, but I didn't get into horses because they were expensive...it's because they smell so darn good!

    Our hobbies aren't easily shared with our young children at this point so we're constantly disagreeing about who gets to go riding. I choose to keep my horses at my parents (10 min away) so I do spend some of "my" time just feeding/grooming/mucking.

    I was hoping someone might suggest this will get better with time, even though I know better....so I'm still left with...WHAT NEXT...

    I don't want to feel guilty for enjoying my hobby and I don't want berated every time I want to ride. The problem is this is really my only complaint with him....when I say he doesn't care what makes me happy, that's because horses do and he could care less about them.
    your kids will know your emotions regardless of how hard you try to hide them. You have to determine whether you want to be seen as the mom that puts up with it, or the mom that takes charge...
    You are with a man that can not accept you for who you are this is not your fault, but it is reality.
    it doesnt get better with time, he wont wake up one day and accept it or cry uncle and show up with a new square pad and a bag of carrots, so stop kidding yourself.
    I highly doubt your only complaint is that he wont get on board with your hobby... you dont have to admit it here, just know us that have been there can see through the BS
    There are billions of men in the world, and out of those billions, i'm sure there are at least a million that are a better match for you. Your match doesnt have to partake, but they do have to care about what makes you happy.

    Speaking from a 'been there, done that, got the t shirt' the leap away is the hardest part, it all gets WAY happier from there.
    www.destinationconsensusequus.com
    chaque pas est fait ensemble



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jan. 7, 2001
    Location
    Usually too far from the barn
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    9,055

    Default

    The ex and I never saw eye to eye on horses but it's not why we split up. That said, when he was angry about anything he always managed to work in horses or racing or both.

    He doesn't need to love horses but if you own several of your own horses, the SO has to accept them (and the responsibilty that they represent) as a part of your life and a de facto part of his.

    Alot of men (and many women too) tend to think that when you marry and start a family that you should stop being "you" and start being "their spouse" whatever they imagine that to be. No matter how "modern" men are it seems that there is a still something in man that makes them think (feel?) that they and your children should become your only focus. Horses are time consuming and horsewomen tend to have an independent streak that the animals themselves bring out. Men all say they love independent strong women but when they marry one they want her to turn into June Cleaver.

    Men and women all think that the person they fall for will change into their ideal, or that they can change them. It doesn't happen. You were a horsewoman before you met him and you remain one. He may never have said it but maybe he figured that after you had children that your interest in the horses would wane. (After all, weren't they just a substitute on which to use your maternal instincts?) He sees the horses are competing for attention from him and the children.

    You need to tell him what you have told us. It is unfair for him to berate your hobby/passion. It has been a part of your life for many years and was there (yes?) when you met and dated. If he had a problem with it, the time for him to have spoken up was before marriage and 3 children.
    F O.B
    Resident racing historian ~~~ Re-riders Clique
    Founder of the Mighty Thoroughbred Clique



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