Yes, it's my alter. I'm not comfortable having friends know about this. I am struggling with severe depression. I've called my new doctor (old one left town) and set up an appointment, but they can't get me in until next week.
I own horses and have them on my property, but I ride much less regularily than I used to -- read "hardly at all". It's a struggle to go to my weekly riding lesson. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to get up from the couch. I feed the horses and care for them, but that's about all I do.
Suicide thoughts are always there, but I would never do that because of the kids. Husband knows I'm depressed, but he doesn't know how bad it's gotten. He travels a lot for business and I try to be "up" for him when he's home.
So, my question, should I call the doctor and demand (this is really hard for me as I don't "confront" well) to get in sooner, or is this all *normal* for depression? Since I'm basically functioning and the horses, cats, dogs are fed and fine, should I just wait until next week's appointment?
It's silly I have to type all of this, but this is a tough emotional problem. Tougher than I thought it would be (runs in the family). My rational side knows this isn't right -- but the depressed side just wants to draw the drapes and stay inside and not answer the door or phone.
"suicide thoughts are always there".....
If you can actually type this, and are experiencing this, PLEASE do not wait. PLEASE call a doctor and be seen. This, while NOTHING to be ashamed of, is nothing (!) to disregard.
You need the attention of someone who can address your situation/symptoms...I know being an 'alter' can be comforting to just 'vent' but this is not what you personally need most right now.
Its ok....just call their office and be as candid as you have been here. You deserve it, and so does your family.
"Indecision may or may not be my problem"
I had a severe depression many years ago, so I know how you feel! I would definitely call the doctor, and just be honest, tell them you are very frightened by how severe your depression is getting, and afraid you cannot wait until next week, could they please fit you in as soon as possible. If they say they can't, cry.
I was helped immensely by initially using some anti-depressant medication, and also doing about a year of therapy. It's one of those things most people don't talk about in public (or even in the family!), so it's easy to feel you are the only one who's gone through something like that. When I do (still) have some occasional gloomy funks, I now have some ways to deal with it - I understand why I go there, and I know how to break the cycle.
That isn't something I had the strength or insight to do when I was in my very severe depression years ago. That was too far along - sort of like not treating a minor illness and it turns into pneumonia! Only after I'd had some help from the doctor could I start getting my sh*t together again.
Hang in there! PM me if you want to ask about anything in more detail.
Call a crisis hotline number. They can be found in your local phone book. They are the professionals that can help you immediately! Be honest with your husband about "how bad it's gotten." Please get help now! God bless you. PM me for moral support but I am not a professional; just a good listener.
Blugal, Thank you for the PM -- I am sitting here crying because I knew I would get great support from this forum. I appreciate all of the kinds words from you and the other COTHERs. I think I needed a kick in the butt to get the courage to tell the DR's office I need to see them NOW. Sad, I can correct my horses in less than 3 seconds and insist they pay attention to me -- but when it comes to me, I'm a wimp . . .
I am going to call my doctor tomorrow and get an earlier appointment.
God bless, sweetie, and call the doc! There is great help available out there: not just meds, but therapy, friends, etc. Don't be afraid to lean on someone if you need to. You are NOT alone in this! Many, many jingles for you, and please PM if you need to talk!
Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck; some nights I call it a draw. -- fun.
If you can't do it, ask your husband to do it for you.
And you should not have to yell at them. Just be honest with them. It's rule #1 of dealing with psychiatric disorders- if the person is having suicidal thoughts, you get them treated ASAP. Whether or not you think you'll ever follow through.
The horses don't care if you don't ride. Ok, they might be confused at first, but as long as they are fed and cared for, be kind to yourself.
I am going thru a similar situation myself (with a few half a$$ed attempts thrown in) and some things that are helping me right now (though they may NOT help you):
1. Knowing that depression is a chemically created situation which can be changed and will pass. It's not forever.
2. Having friends and family who know how "bad" it is. I have a 60 year old friend who calls me every couple of days, just to check in.
3. Therapists are trained to help you break down whats going on into manageable chunks.
4. Letting myself do the minimum without any recriminations. What is needed gets done. If i do more, awesome. If not, no big deal.
5. Kittens. No, really. I have two foster kittens, 5-6 weeks old. It gives me a reason to get up on time, and a structure to my days. Service to others also helps keep my mind off my own problems.
6. Call someone to drive you to the ER if needed. Getting alone in a car when very depressed/suicidal is an "accident" waiting to happen.
You can always pm me for my real phone number and we can talk. I could use a "don't die today!" phone buddy.
In summation: Don't die today. This will pass. You are loved.
Do not take anything to heart. Do not hanker after signs of progress. Founder of theRiders with Fibromyalgia clique.
My husband suffers from depression and at times it was very bad. And when it was bad he was too depressed to ask for help.
Can your husband advocate on your behalf? I finally came to the point with my husband that I did some research, found a recommended therapist, called and said he just had to see my husband right now. I believe he saw us that afternoon. If there is a next time I wouldn't wait even that long. I'd put him in the car and drive him to the hospital.
Good for you for posting about this, it is wonderful and brave to do that. It's incredible that you're so strong as to keep up with your essential routine when you feel so awful, but it is time to get help.
When you feel better, you'll look back on this time and say, 'I did it, I got myself help, and I conquered this'.
Take action right away, and tell the doctor it's a very serious situation and you are having thoughts of self harm. Yes, do insist on an appointment now, not next week. You deserve the doctor's concern and attention right now.
Tell him/her if you have a plan. Be open and be frank. The time for struggling along without help is over. People care and will jump at the chance to help. I would recommend you tell your husband. 'I'm feeling awful and have terrible thoughts. I need to work on this right now, with the doctor'.
Antidepressants and counseling or other treatment you may need take time to take effect, so it's important to get started right away, so you can feel better soon.
It's also possible you have a non-psychiatric medical problem that's making you feel this way - it isn't actually that unusual, so don't be surprised...but it needs to be diagnosed and treated. There are dozens of medical causes of depression, for example, low thyroid.
Oh yeah, I take this very, very seriously.
You're hurting and there's no reason to suffer when you can get help by just reaching out your hand.
Get help now, you'll feel better that much sooner,
Big hugs to you.
And you aren't a wimp, either. It's really tough for some people to advocate for themselves, especially when they really need help. Let your husband do that for you if you can't, or one of your friends. No one can paddle her own canoe all the time.
Suicide thoughts are always there, but I would never do that because of the kids.
So, my question, should I call the doctor and demand ...
Absolutely call your doctor and tell them about the suicidal ideation asap. That is a facet of depression but one that needs immediate attention. It is not something you need to 'cowgirl up'. Please, please don't wait.
You are so not alone. I wish that we could all listen, and share. Tailspins happen in life, then you get numb and feel self induced drugged. Sometimes you just have to get down with it before you can see a way up. Despair is so all encompassing. And you lose ability to feel anything. First you need the professional help before you can attempt to self-manage.
I have my horsey analogy - you have to learn to wear blinders in life. To not look off to the sides to see all the crap. Gather yourself and look forward. Find something that the thought makes you happy. Keep your focus there. Then throw your shoulder into the harness and pull. Sometimes physical work can wear you out in a good kind of way. Then sleep and feel rested.
Get together with a good friend, share some good food. Spend some time enjoying and savoring the tastes and the slow time. Set the alarm and get up early and see the sun rise and listen to the birds. Find that connection within yourself. Snuggle with your dog. Listen to how many times a day your kids say 'mommie.'
I wish you the best and hope that you will find some joy for yourself.
Some day I'm going to tell my grandkids that I am older than the internet and blow their minds.
I think I needed a kick in the butt to get the courage to tell the DR's office I need to see them NOW.
Of course, you can always do what I did...showed up at my Doctor's office,...and then just started to cry. (It's kinda funny now, but it wasn't then.) It was post 9/11 and I worked at the trade center, so they just hustled me into an exam room and gave me a box of tissues. I had about a 5-minute wait until the Doc showed up. I didn't even call before I went ...
"For God hates utterly
The bray of bragging tongues."
Sophocles, Antigone Spoken by the Leader of the Chorus of Theban Elders