[Candle]

I'd point my heels to Jesus and think of Butet's.

Never heard that before No comment about the rest of it.

[Seven-up]

Never heard that before No comment about the rest of it.

I'd love to take credit for it, but I stole it off a tv show and tweaked it a bit to fit this discussion.

[Candle]

I'd love to take credit for it, but I stole it off a tv show and tweaked it a bit to fit this discussion.

You can take credit for bringing it to my attention and providing me with amusement while I'm supposed to be studying, and for that I thank you

[eventmom]

Leave it to COTH to call a spade, well, a spade!
Very funny

So, when's the wedding?

[eventmom]

I can't help myself, I just have to give the op a little hint. In a lasting, healthy marriage, both parties thnk that the other partner does way more than they do.
Lots of studies to proove this.
So, for example (I am VERY happily married), my husband would do anythng for me. What's mine is mine, and what is his is mine He would, and does, give me the shirt off his back.
The thing is, he says the same thing about me. I spend lots of time thinking about the little things that would make his life easier. I wouldn't, and don't, question when he needs or wants something.
And yes, we both have the same view of money.
This is normal in a good marriage.
You sure you want to have a future like what you are describing?

[myster]

Goodness, this forum is way better than the soapies on tv..........
Now which soapie does this one sound like.................

[trubandloki]

All the other things would make me jump up and down ignored, I can not get over the comments about the mother of his child and that piddly child support payment (compared to what he makes) and it being an issue to the OP.

Get over yourself.

It sure sounds like you think he is a total jerk, etc, etc. But for some reason you call him a fiance.

[eventchic33]

I hate to say it but there is an up and coming trend of relationships that are heading the way the op is describing. "you take care of your things and I take care of mine." OR "I will take care of your things as long as XYZ conditions are met".

Now I take care and may for the majority of my horsie things but when my hubby helps out he tends to be very resentful. That could very easily escalate into "these are my horses b/c I spent X number of $$ on them"

In an ideal world it is a give take relationship however the world is not ideal.

If you love this man either A) take care of your horses yourself and if he wants to help B)have him do things like buy a home where you can keep your horses or buy a truck to haul them with or C) have him set a monetary value and write a contract ensuring that it is a gift.

I actually understand the gold digging ex comment and the thought process that goes through his head. My husband often falls back into the " your just like my ex/all women are the same" mode. However he is learning.

Good luck and remember to enjoy your horses and don't let them become an "issue". Relationships have enough issues without adding more.

[Chief2]

OP:
It's nice that the guy has money, but these horses are yours and so are the responsibilities. I agree with your intuition of not wanting to take the money.
You pay the bills, the shots are yours to call, If he gets involved, maybe not.

Take the help in the form of a loan, insist on paperwork, and pay it back when you are on your feet, regardless of whether or not you get married. That way, then financial stresses occur later on in the marriage (and they do in all marriages), it is one less thing that can get tossed up into the breeze.

[EarwenES]

Lord, where to start!! Perhaps some premarital counseling is in order before you take the plunge? Seriously!

As far as the child support goes, that child did not just happen to come along. Believe it or not, he had an active role in the creation of the child, not just "the gold digger." People who complain about supporting their children should learn about the many very effective forms of birth control available or just not have sex if the risk of becoming responsible for a child is just too much for them.

People who begrudge their partner paying child support should not date, and certainly should not become engaged to people with children from previous relationships.

To spare you the mental distress of your man paying for your horse I would suggest you do one of these two things: 1) get a job or 2) utilize the "Giveaway" forum on this site.
Problem solved.

[gieriscm]

IMO both the OP and her fiance need help from a financial counselor about their attitudes wrt money. Don't take it personally! Most of us come with "baggage" that shapes our spending and financial habits, and often not for the better. As an example, look at all of the lottery winners who have blown through millions in a few years, only to end up worse off than before because their expectations have changed.

Many of us tie our self-worth to our employment. I've been laid off twice, and each time it was like a kick in the gut. Fortunately DH was employed at the time, so we didn't suffer. DH has also been unemployed, and is now a SAHD. He's working (much harder than I am as a FTE!) but for a long time felt like a slacker because he wasn't in a cube from 8-5.

I suspect part of the OP's problem is that she doesn't feel like she's pulling her financial weight in the relationship. In a marriage partnership you will find there is a tradeoff of roles over time, especially once the kids arrive! There is no "your" money and "my" money, it's "our" money.

I suspect that your fiance knows that since you were willing to put up with him when he was broke and programming in his underwear (BTDT!!) that you're not a "gold digger" and you're not just in the relationship for the $$$. So, let him help you out like he helped you out, and keep looking for a job.

Good luck.

[eventmom]

OP:
That way, then financial stresses occur later on in the marriage (and they do in all marriages), it is one less thing that can get tossed up into the breeze.

No, they don't! I have been married for 22 years. While money can sometimes be tighter than others, it has never been an "issue" in our marriage. It has never come between us. We have never accused one another of creating a problem. We simply agree.
I will council all of my children to go into a marrige without financial strife. The reason we don't fight about finances is that neither of us are on a power trip about it. You give me a couple fighting about money, I will give you a couple who:
a. Doesn't have the same financial values. (devastating to a marriage) or
b. Fighting for power over one another. Also devastating to a marriage
It is possible to have a marrige free of financial fighting.

[Frank B]

Sounds like some doubt here -- proceed with caution!

It's not how much you make, it's how you manage it. Far too many of the 6-figure incomers are among ones now over their heads in debt.

One suggestion: Subscribe to this magazine, read, and heed what it says, as much as you would any horse magazine. It's the best $12 you'll ever spend!

[SkippinwithPippin]

Here's a bit of unsolicited advice: If you are that uncomfortable with him and money issues, you should probably move him from the "fiancee" category into "boyfriend", or something even less than bf.

Really, if he's the type that will give you money and then give you grief about taking that money, you should look elsewhere for your soulmate.

I completely agree. If he's going to hold money over your head, I (IMHO) would seriously think about whether or not I want to spend the rest of my life with him. To use money as a control mechanism is just wrong, because when you're married, what's his is yours and what's yours is his (the law in many states)! I am like you, though, I like to pay my own way because that is how I was brought up. But, my husband and I share our money and, yes, he grips about all the board/vet/supplement/training/saddle expenses and I gripe about his four-wheeler/snowmobile/hunting/fishing expenses! This is something you both need to work out WAY before walking down the aisle. Resentment is a terrible thing in a marriage...it will eat you up inside! Good luck to you!

[jeano]

Doesnt sound good to me...Mr Jeano was making some nice money when we met, and I was living paycheck to paycheck. Mr Jeano bought some nice courting presents when we were newly engaged-one ton dually, camper, little things like that. He was able to make these purchases with cash and he put them and the FARM he also purchased BEFORE we married in BOTH OUR NAMES. I'm just saying.

Since we wished to marry in the Catholic Church we had to go thru annulments and there was a small chance we might not have been able to wed. I was well protected in case of his untimely death or any change of affections or conditions for the year we were engaged before we got hitched. No prenup or other such nonsense, he doesnt believe in 'em.

Keeping it horse related--he does roll his eyes from time to time over horse expenses, but he NEVER holds $$ over my punkin head. Never.

[MistyBlue]

My advice? Ask him to start banking 2/3 to 3/4 of that income because it may not last and you most likely will accrue large ticket items that will require income to keep going. (houses, horses, etc) And don't go hog wild like those folks who win the lottery and are broke again in 2 years.
There isn't a whole lotta space between "we're on top of the world" to "we're living in a cardboard box."
But do enjoy being financially secure...no need to feel guilty or bad about it. And never ever begrudge a man taking financial care of his child. What I would begrudge is that the ex needed the court and an attorney to get him to do so. Support is based on a percentage of income...completely normal that he would be paying $3000 per month at his income. And despite popular belief...his ex and child will not be living "high on the hog" on $36k per year unless they live in Botswana.

[gottagrey]

Let's see when they met he was unemployed developing websites in his underwear (no wonder he has a child out of wedlock) and OP was the breadwinner (sounds like they've been together for sometime) apparently now honey-pie is making decent good money (since he's a VP and interviewed by Forbes & presumably wearing clothes) so ex-gf w/ child recently sued him for child support (apparently GF found out he was now capable of paying) and it could be the $3000 per month is back or money owed that he was supposed to be paying all along - who knows...

at any rate - if you don't feel comfortable w/ him making $600K and sharing it with you - what's the big deal - just do it on your own then as you planned.

And since you are engaged to a V-level person you might want to spell check from time to time - majikally is spelled magically -

[blton9th]

I'll play! How bout you allow him to help you a little bit!

Try to put some money you may have into some stocks. Shares on some blue chip stocks are pretty low. (great time to buy some) Reinvest dividends, and before you know it, you will have a nice little investment that you can ear mark "horse fund!"

[Alternate Realityyy]

Thanks everyone, I have the answers I need.

I will accept help for immediate horse-related needs (vet bills and such) but perhaps do some barn work to supplement my lack of income until I get another office job. In reality, despite everything, we are just lucky to have a roof over our heads and that and his income will be able to keep me from losing my horse while I'm unemployed.

And since you are engaged to a V-level person you might want to spell check from time to time - majikally is spelled magically -

(Yes, I know, I was just applying the "majically" as people seem to do when something seems ridiculous.... )

[talkofthetown]

OK, so it's an odd situation. But sounds like the OP knows what she's going to do, just had some concerns. Either way, good luck.

(Yes, I know, I was just applying the "majically" as people seem to do when something seems ridiculous.... )

As in, the majikal butterfly-fahting gypsy vanners.