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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan. 11, 2008
    Posts
    169

    Default Sold a horse...huge vent sorry

    I have this gelding that I have owned since he was a weanling. I bought him, fed him and trained him all at my cost. My mom claimed him a few years back, she never rode him, just fed him through the winter months. She is afraid of horses, I think she just likes to care for them. I never "sold" the horse to my mom.

    I finally convince my mom that we need to sell him. He is 5, a wonderful horse, and he needs a job and he will make some little girl very happy. I find the perfect buyer, and they are having him vetted this week. In front of my brother and mom, I say that I sold the horse for X amount. My mom replies with "oh good, now we got a down payment for your brothers house."

    My problem is my brother. First off, he is 28 and living at home, still. He is a complete opposite of me. I moved out at 17, got married at 20, and I am now 25 and have my own farm, worked for it myself. My brother is a moocher. Mom pays for his 2 trucks (1 a everyday vehicle, the other is a "luxury truck) and pays for his gas, insurance, you name it, mom buys it. He is going to school and works part time (for Mom), and he pays no rent, does not do a thing around the house. He won't even take out the garbage for my Dad, who has had 3 heart attacks, and a bad arm/shoulder that he cannot use.
    I have always worked for what I wanted, and my brother has not. He does not appreciate what he has and does not take care of anything.

    So, why does Mom think she has the right to use all the money for my brothers future house? And why am I so bitter over this? I had agreed to split the money from this horse with my mom. I had said previously that I would like to pay a house payment ahead so I can catch up on other bills.

    Now my Mom is ticked off at me, b/c I don't want to help my brother out. She's got that right. I am not about to sacrafice a horse for my brothers sake. I said to her that maybe he needs to sell luxury vehicle #2 for a down payment on his house. I have sold a lot of things so I could get my house. I would love to have a luxury vehicle instead of the $1000 truck that I do have. But we all make sacrifices. Oh yeah, he recently just sold an older Mustang also, which was for good money, and not a dime of it went to his "house fund".

    Any advice as what I should say to my Mom? I am not letting it go. The gelding sold for a good price and I was looking forward to catching up on things since its been a rough last year for my husband and I.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr. 4, 2008
    Posts
    301

    Default

    Family dynamics are always a blast, aren't they?

    I have no advice other than to remember you have to deal with your mother and your brother for the rest of your life. So I guess temper your conversations accordingly.

    Good luck!



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar. 26, 2005
    Location
    Back to Normal.. or as close as I'll ever get
    Posts
    10,365

    Default

    I think we may have the same brother...except mine is 57yo...
    And like you I have worked since I was 15 and paid my own way pretty much since then. Half of my earnings when I was in school went to pay for college, 1/2 of the rest went to Mom & Dad for room & board. So I learned early on that if you want something - necessity or luxury - it has a price.

    That said, I think you DO have to let it go.
    You agreed to split the money with your Mom, what she chooses to do with it isn't your decision.
    Not Fair, but who promised Life was?

    Have you tried telling your Mom that she is doing your brother no favor by making him think Life is a Free Ride?
    FWIW I told my parents this same thing for many years and got back the "We can't just put him out on the street" excuse.
    As a result my brother, at his age, is still amazed at how things work in the Real World. And I feel sorry for him when my dad (who he lives with) passes away and Cold Hard Reality stares him in the face.
    *friend of bar.ka*RIP all my lovely boys, gone too soon:
    Steppin' Out 1988-2004
    Hey Vern! 1982-2009, Cash's Bay Threat 1994-2009
    Sam(Jaybee Altair) 1994-2015



  4. #4
    Join Date
    May. 5, 2000
    Location
    Aiken, SC
    Posts
    2,383

    Default

    Go ahead with the sale. Have the buyers make payment out to you and only you. Pay your Mom her 50% and keep the rest. She can do with her $ whatever she wants (put into son's down payment for a house fund).



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    MI
    Posts
    11,500

    Default

    Well....the ownership/caretaker factor kind of muddies the "who gets the money" scenario.

    Who owns the horse? Who cares for the horse? Where does the horse reside?

    If you don't want things to be messy, you have to keep your things separate from the "family".

    If it were me and I legally owned the horse, I would figure out the cost of feeding/board for the time that your mother cared for the horse and cut her a check in that amount.

    And then I would endeavor to keep my finances and assets, including horses, completely separate from the "family".

    You're not the first to have the unmotivated, semi-loser, mooch sibling. Won't be the last either. Don't spend too much energy on this. It's pretty simple. You can either keep the peace and give them the $$ or you can handle it as a business transaction, pay mom what you owe her, and keep the rest.

    If you DON'T own the horse, then it's her money.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan. 11, 2008
    Posts
    169

    Default

    I don't care what she does with her half, the problem is she wants to use all the money, including my half, for my brothers house. Thats where the problem is. Sorry I didn't really make that clear in the first post.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2004
    Location
    Catonsville, MD
    Posts
    6,966

    Default

    THAT is a whole different story. Does she have memory problems as well as judgment problems? Does she have no recollection of prior conversations regarding splitting the proceeds of the sale?

    Regardless of the outcome in this instance, do yourself a favor and make this the last time she can take advantage of you this way. Do not mix business and family after family member demonstrates a willingness to cheat you. And regardless of what she plans to do with the money -- give it to charity, feed the homeless, buy a house for darling brother -- she is cheating you if she clearly committed to splitting the proceeds with you.

    It does matter also in whose name the horse's ownership papers are held.
    I tolerate all kinds of animal idiosyncrasies.
    I've found that I don't tolerate people idiosyncrasies as well. - Casey09




  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug. 5, 2007
    Location
    Jersey girl!
    Posts
    1,298

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Peace of Cake View Post
    I don't care what she does with her half, the problem is she wants to use all the money, including my half, for my brothers house. Thats where the problem is. Sorry I didn't really make that clear in the first post.
    I got that out of the first post... However I fail to see where it is your responsibility to give your brother money. If he wants a down payment for a house, then he should start saving! Does she have some reason you should be giving him the money? I just can not see her point of view...
    Celtic Charisma (R.I.P) ~ http://flickr.com/photos/rockandracehorses/2387275281
    Proud owner of "The Intoxicated Moose!"
    "Hope is not an executable plan" ~ My Mom
    I love my Dublin-ator



  9. #9
    Join Date
    May. 5, 2000
    Location
    Aiken, SC
    Posts
    2,383

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Peace of Cake View Post
    I don't care what she does with her half, the problem is she wants to use all the money, including my half, for my brothers house. Thats where the problem is. Sorry I didn't really make that clear in the first post.
    Maybe your mom wants your brother out of the house so bad that she wants all the proceeds from the sale. However, the two of you had an agreement that the sale would be spit. She can not keep your half without your consent, right? I say stand up for yourself.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct. 7, 2005
    Location
    PA
    Posts
    202

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Peace of Cake View Post
    I don't care what she does with her half, the problem is she wants to use all the money, including my half, for my brothers house. Thats where the problem is. Sorry I didn't really make that clear in the first post.
    Are you kidding me? I'm offended and I don't even know you... but that said, I would try to be diplomatic. Keep your head, but also keep your money!



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    MI
    Posts
    11,500

    Default

    NOT. YOUR. PROBLEM.

    NOT HER MONEY.

    NOT YOUR PROBLEM.



    Buy her a book. "Facing Codependence" by Pia Mellody. And then make yourself scarce for awhile.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2004
    Location
    Catonsville, MD
    Posts
    6,966

    Default

    Yes, please tell her "NO!"

    If brother wants a house, he can buy it. Not your problem. Don't let her roll over you.
    I tolerate all kinds of animal idiosyncrasies.
    I've found that I don't tolerate people idiosyncrasies as well. - Casey09




  13. #13
    Join Date
    May. 8, 2004
    Posts
    4,418

    Default

    this is a 'boundaries' issue. You made a deal with your mother to split the proceeds of the horse. She is pushing your boundaries by trying to take what is rightfully yours to give to your tick brother.

    The answer is simple: stand your ground. Your Mom can do what she wants with her half of the money, but you are under no obligation to fund your brother's new house with your money. None whatsoever.

    Do not be 'guilted' into giving up money that is rightfully yours. Your brother may be able to manipulate your mother, but don't let him use her to manipulate you.



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Mar. 15, 2006
    Location
    Cartersville, GA/Jacksonville, NC
    Posts
    286

    Default

    Keep your head and cool, but also keep your part of the money! Like somebody else said, have the buyer make the check out to you then give your mama her portion, whatever that may be.

    Just an thought, but maybe you oughta sit your mama down and point out all that she's spent on him that he could have done for himself. If it was me, I'd be highly pi**ed off that my brother was taking advantage of my parents like that!

    Good Luck!
    Devil Pup 13 May 2010
    Veni, vidi, nates calce concidi
    Molly~4yo Blue Heeler & Dakota Nov 09 Baby Heeler



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Oct. 1, 2004
    Location
    Magnolia, TX
    Posts
    6,124

    Default

    Good Lord, you've just described my brother and me... except my parents wouldn't dare ask me to give him money, and he knows better than to ask.

    Anyhoo, it sounds as though this is actually your horse. Have the buyers pay you. Pay your mom the agreed upon percentage. If there's any further argument, present her an invoice for everything you contributed to the horse's value. And perhaps it's also time you sat down with her and discussed the motivation for your success and how it feels (and has felt) to see your brother receive so much help when you've needed some, too.
    Jer 29: 11-13



  16. #16
    Join Date
    Oct. 31, 2001
    Location
    West of insanity, east of apathy, deep in the heart of Texas.
    Posts
    15,918

    Thumbs up

    Quote Originally Posted by chai View Post
    this is a 'boundaries' issue. You made a deal with your mother to split the proceeds of the horse. She is pushing your boundaries by trying to take what is rightfully yours to give to your tick brother.

    The answer is simple: stand your ground. Your Mom can do what she wants with her half of the money, but you are under no obligation to fund your brother's new house with your money. None whatsoever.

    Do not be 'guilted' into giving up money that is rightfully yours. Your brother may be able to manipulate your mother, but don't let him use her to manipulate you.
    Yup.
    In loving memory of Laura Jahnke.
    A life lived by example, done too soon.
    www.caringbridge.org/page/laurajahnke/



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Dec. 28, 2001
    Location
    over yonder
    Posts
    3,117

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Peace of Cake View Post
    In front of my brother and mom, I say that I sold the horse for X amount. My mom replies with "oh good, now we got a down payment for your brothers house."
    In addition to the good advice you have already gotten, I would suggest that, in the future, you be careful to never mention any money coming your way in front of your brother, even if it is a $2 rebate check.



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jun. 23, 2006
    Location
    Vermont
    Posts
    3,585

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by chai View Post
    this is a 'boundaries' issue. You made a deal with your mother to split the proceeds of the horse. She is pushing your boundaries by trying to take what is rightfully yours to give to your tick brother.

    The answer is simple: stand your ground. Your Mom can do what she wants with her half of the money, but you are under no obligation to fund your brother's new house with your money. None whatsoever.

    Do not be 'guilted' into giving up money that is rightfully yours. Your brother may be able to manipulate your mother, but don't let him use her to manipulate you.
    Yup.



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2003
    Location
    Deep South
    Posts
    15,466

    Default

    Doesn't bode well for brother's future mortgage payments?



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Oct. 31, 2001
    Location
    West of insanity, east of apathy, deep in the heart of Texas.
    Posts
    15,918

    Wink

    Hey, why should he be different than any other person who bought too much house and then got overwhelmed by variable rate payments?

    Of course, if what PeaceofCake says is true (and I'm sure it is - I have family members just like your brother, babe! ), then brother will have hell's own time trying to get a mortgage in the first place. It's not nearly as easy as it used to be.

    PoC, stand your ground. It's your horse, and your money. Give Mom her half, and be done with it. Brother will get what's coming to him sooner or later, and let me tell you, karmic retribution is a beautiful, beautiful thing. The best thing is, you won't have to do a thing - just pop you some popcorn, get you a diet Coke, put up your feet and watch the whole thing unfold.
    In loving memory of Laura Jahnke.
    A life lived by example, done too soon.
    www.caringbridge.org/page/laurajahnke/



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