"I've got a solution," Aunt Esther declaimed, striding resolutely into the room, trailing her carpetbag-sized Prada purse behind her. "My new line of fashionable riding apparel for womanly-sized riders. After reading all the stories on the Womanly Sized Riders, Unite! thread, I simply had to do it. And it's environmentally friendly."
From her bag, she pulled out a set of riding clothes fashioned from the finest recycled barn materials, and laid them out on a bale of hay for bewitchedarabians and DGRH to behold: black dressage boots with Spanish tops made of burnished leather, recycled from old Passier bridles, that hugged a curvy woman's calf, BEGINNING in a size 16 1/2; an exquisite lightweight dressage coat with a plum Coolmax silk lining and silvery horsehead buttons recycled from horseshoe nails; white tropicweight full-seats made partially from reused plastic feedbags. Bewitchedarabians quickly donned the outfit and admired her reflection in the water in the hot tub: curvy yet sleek, and altogether very elegant. DGRH and Aunt Esther were smiling at her as she tried on the stock tie and jeweled amethyst stock pin, but DGRH was suddenly noticing something else... A group of COTHers who were still arguing about the "I don't teach fat riders" thread had come into the room and were causing such negative vibrations that the room was beginning to spin, causing the water in the hot tub to spin as well, creating a whirlpool. "What do you think about this stock pin?" bewitchedarablians murmured, but suddenly felt dizzy herself as Jed walked over the threshold.
"Nevermind," she blurted out, "I'll....
Last edited by Vesper Sparrow; Jan. 22, 2008 at 09:22 AM.
Reason: to make it flow with previous post
friend of bar.ka
Andy, OTTB mare, 1984-2011. I miss you already, girl!
...when suddenly Velvet woke up. She remember posting a thread on COTH, asking a question. Before she returned the the COTH page, she quickly googled and found her answer in Wikkipedia. "How simple," she thought. "I'd better go back and delete my question, or may just say
but little did Velvet know that her undone question thread would take on a life of it's own, a life including an assortment of barnyard and other types of animals, of humans who ride and/or wear manolo's and swing big purses not to mention power line men & farriers who swung big tool belts, too. It was a virtual world of virtual nudity and plentiful never minds.
Because the thread had morphed into something else completely different, I am sure, than what she originally had intended Velvet could only sit back and watch each bizarre twist and turn these many storylines have taken. Even so she was not even slightly prepared for what happened next.
(music fading softly in...)
The announcer's deep voice says…"Like turds through the fork tines...and so are the days of our livestock...(music fading out to raised voices...)
...."No, Ricky" you may NOT touch that". "I don't care how much you liked that movie, I AIN'T herding sheep with you and I sure as HECK ain't sleeping in no d@mned boy scout tent, neither!" Pat shot Ricky a stern look and with a tilt to his chin he strode out of the boarder's lounge in a huff that would make any cowpoke proud.
At the end of the dimly lit aisle way he could make out a few forms, non-equine in stature. They were huddled together in a deep & heated conversation. Pat being a bit traumatized from what he had just been through in the boarder's lounge wiped a leftover tear from his eye (it was a sad movie) and picked up a fork and decided to muck out the stall closest to him, for old times sake. Mr. P's stall mucking days had been behind him for a few years now, he felt a little rusty but with each thrust & lift of the poop laden fork his sinovial fluids started flowing again and his tired BNT joints were loosening up real nice-like.
The people at the other end of the aisle in the shadows were the Moderator Number 1 and the nameless faceless, (not to mention tactless) riding instructor who "doesn't teach fat people", who will be referred to as Ms. Meanbreeches, or MMB from this point forward. It seems that MMB was concerned about the weights of some of the lovely ladies in attendance at the Nevermind Farm & Stables and felt that it was her duty to either #1 run them all off with cruel and caustic remarks or to lace the water cooler in the boarder's lounge with Alli- the new dietary supplement that causes the fat and sugars in food to pass suddenly and thoroughly from one's body without warning or control. Did I mention the word “unexpectedly"? That word will certainly come in to further play during this installment.
The Moderator #1 informed her that verbal abuse really isn't allowed and that as long as the horses being ridden were comfortable, healthy and ridden in proper balance, MMB's opinion didn't really matter, anyhoo. MMB did neglect to mention her other little idea; so as the Moderator walked away to further monitor the CoTH goings on MMB made her devious way into the boarder's lounge. She looked to the right and then to the left, to be sure that no-one would see what she was up to. She reached into her cheapo canvas purse (she had no $ for a Louis Vuitton, since she turned away students too often) and withdrew a super sized package of Alli, in a dissolvable powder form. She dumped it into the water cooler, pulled a small crop from her boot and stirred the Alli in until it was undetectable to the naked eye, she furtively looked around once more and slipped out the door that she had come in, never to be seen again on this particular farm.
And speaking of naked and eyes- RydArab had finally learned enough in her chemistry class to make her fantasy of wrapping the naked farrier in fresh home-made silly putty a reality at last. In the tack room she was doing just as DGRH had predicted and was turning him this way and that, reading from the copied Chronicle of the Horse magazine printed onto the silly putty that he had been so carefully swathed in. She heard voices and a sound sort of like water gurgling, but ignored them in favor of her present occupation, for obvious reasons.
One of those voices, a soft, sultry deep one belonged to Jed who was once again purring into Bewitched's ear, telling her that she was the most beautiful woman that he had ever seen and that he wanted "to carry her away with him to Montana to start a new horse farm of their own and populate it with the horse breed of her choice and maybe 9 or 10 mini-Jeds, who knows?" he told her. She sighed and looked in to his eyes and said to him "Make that Montana in the summer & Hawaii in the winter and you've got a deal power-man".
As they continued their heated canoodling (while dressed most modestly, mind you) Linda P. came slinking into the barn looking not unlike a possum having a bad hair day. She headed straight to the boarder's lounge and reached for a conical paper cup and filled it to the brim with icy cold water from the water cooler. The laced water cooler...little did she know.
As the first droplets passed her lips she could not have known that though her fate was sealed other parts of herself would not be so, shortly. While she gulped down the second cup she had no idea how much worse she was making things for herself. After cup number three she crumpled the paper cup, pitched at the waste can, missed, being a slob-left the wadded cup on the floor and then walked over to the other side of the room.
"Umm" said Linda, "Donuts, one of the boarders must have brought these in to share this morning". She had a Boston Cream first, "A little stale", she thought, "but still quite yummy" and so she ate one more. Next she had 2 lemon custards dredged in powdered sugar. She found that flavor of donut to be very tasty. Her final donut was so difficult to choose "Should I have a cruller, or a double chocolate, or maybe a glazed or a blueberry cake donut?" Linda munched away, finally picking the glazed donut & while she was chewing she was pondering the complexities of life's choices from who to ride with, whom to marry to which kind of donut to complete her binge with. Before she knew it she had eaten on of each kind in the large box. She had one more cup of that icy cold and delicious water to wash them all down. And with the final chug she went off to collect her horse and bring him in for grooming.
When Linda got to the pasture she noticed that her tummy felt a little funny. She ignored it thinking that she must have gobbled those donuts much too quickly. She brought her horse into the barn showed him her carrot stick and told him to "Stand" for good measure. Monty glided along the concrete floor looking for snakey things to do and the parrot was perched above the horse & human on a rafter with his head under his wing taking his afternoon bird-nap.
In a stall a few doors down Pat thought that he heard the sound of a carrot stick slicing through the air. He peeked out and saw her... his Linda...her back was turned so he could gaze at her derriere for long moments without her beginning to complain. He was lost in thoughts of how he loved Linda when he heard an odd sound. Linda jumped a bit as though she had been goosed and put her hand on her belly. She stood straighter, shook her head and continued grooming the horse.
Just as Pat got up the nerve to leave the stall and approach his Linda both of the moderators entered the other end of the barn for their afternoon cruise-by to make sure that all was as it should be.
Pat walked quietly up behind the busily grooming Linda and said.... "Linda"...trailing off. She sighed, turned slowly around and opened her mouth to say something but instead got a funny pained look on her face. Pat looked at her curiously as she clutched her belly and doubled over expelling a polysyllabic round of gas that caused the parrot to fall from his perch onto the dozing horse in a tizzy of feathers, fluff and furious squawkings. Of course, the horse spooked, snapping his lead and heading for the hills, carrot sick be d@mned.
The moderators 1 & 2 looked at one another in surprise as Linda began to emit other "stuff" besides just gas right before Pat's stunned eyes. It was unbelievable, what came out of that woman as she stood there helplessly looking at her stomach like she had a serious grain colic coming on. In a way I guess she kind of did.
The moderator #1 whispered "Oh, no!". The moderator #2 whispered "Oh, God" and Pat stood there looking at Linda who appeared about to turn herself inside out right there in the aisle and said "sh!t" I'm sure no pun was intended, however Linda took offense anyhow, considering her condition and lunged for Pat with a look of fury on her face. She tripped over poor Monty and went flying through the air landing in Pat's arms with a weird and wet squelchy sound. By now Pat was no longer sure that he actually wanted her in his arms, again, for obvious reasons. He also seemed to be turning blue from trying not to breathe with Linda so close and in her current condition.
The Moderator #1 thinking back to the conversation with MMB earlier that day put one... and number two… together and turned to Moderator #2 and said "Have you heard about that new dietary supplement called Alli?" M#2 shook her head dubiously as M#1 explained the concept. Linda, deep in Pat's arms looked at him and at her less than sanitary self and said to him with large eyes and brows raised "Oops".
She happened to say this at the very same time as M#1 who was just finishing up the description of Alli & it's well known "Oops" side effect. "I wonder where that MMB has gotten off to", wondered M#2 aloud. They both turned again and looked once more at Mr. & Mrs. P and said simultaneously to one another..."nevermind". Moderator # 1 then said with a little smirk to M#2 “…..
They both turned again and looked once more at Mr. & Mrs. P and said simultaneously to one another..."nevermind". Moderator # 1 then said with a little smirk to M#2 “…..
While this was going on Farmeress , Freedom along with DGRH disengaged themselves from the goings on with all the body painting and being very thirsty started to drink from the water cooler. Mod 1 and Mod 2 looked at each other with Mod 1 raising her eyebrows in a questioning fashion. No said Mod 2 serves them right for turning this thread into what it has become so they stepped back just knowing the consequences. Pat was going to say something but he just closed his lips and said..... nevermind.
But just as water was about to touch lips they heard a great commotion... turning their heads they see the barn being overrun by Drama llamas from a neighboring farm. Aunt Ester and Thomas 1 ran in the boarders lounge covered in paint only panting from barely escaping the heard of llamas. "Ester???" Geek says quietly. "Thomas 1?" says Farmeress looking the gentleman up and down like a fresh pastry that she wanted to eat. "We were just ... enjoying tea.. and we... fell.. yes we fell..." Ester stammered. "Yes it was those bloody llamas.. they tore our clothes off and kept screeching.. Muuuuust haaaave draaaamaaaaa.. Muuuust haaaave draaaaama." Said Thomas 1. "Yea...riiiiiiight..." says Freedom. "Ester you have hay in your hair.." As Ester gasps mortified reaching to remove the stray ruffage from her usually perfectly coiffed hair. "Here dear" Thomas 1 says after handing Ester the afghan that was lying on the couch in the lounge she immediately grabbed it and formed a very fashonable sarong out of the blanket. The gang heard screeches again and ran to the window where they saw Pat outside with the hose turned on full force cleaning off Linda who he had tied to the fence using one of the Parelli brand rope halters. 59.99 plus tax. "Ewww" said Geek.. "Wonder what happened to her?" "Maybe it's a new Parelli game?" said Freedom. " What would they call it?" Asked Farmeress. "The soiling game.. or judging by what Linda is doing now maybe The Crying Game?" "They can't call it The Crying Game" Geek said ".. unless.. when Linda changed teams she also changed....
___._/> I don't suffer from insanity.. I enjoy every
____/ minute of it! Member stick horse art lovers
//__\\<-- Don't feed the llama!
but before Geek could finish her thought they were distracted by a loud sound. "Do you hear drums?" asked Geek. "I'm not sure but I hear something pounding" said Farmeress. Just then the door was thrown open and in runs... Tammy Tata Tatonga.. or at least they think that's who it is with all the running her face was ... umm .. obscured at the moment. As the tatongas setteled into smaller waves of movement they could see now that is was indeed Tammy that had barged in. "DON'T DRINK THE WATER!" she shouts.. before collapsing in a heap in the floor. Geek, Farmeress and Freedom both looked at the drinks in their hands like they had turned into snakes in their hands. "That Meanbritches trainer spiked it with Alli.." Tammy said between pants..." Unless you want to end up like Linda I suggest you put them down." Well those three dropped those cups in the wastebasket faster than a couple of free tickets to a Parelli show. "Whew... thank you Tammy" said Geek. "How can we ever thank you?" just about that time Jose (Raol's brother) ran into the office no doubt responding to the commotion. He looked at Geek, Freedom and Farmeress, noting they all looked to be ok then he noticed panting on the floor was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. He extended his hand to help Tammy up from the floor. "What is a beautiful creature as yourself doing on the floor?" He asked. As Tammy stood up she couldn't take her eyes of the man standing in front of her. His tanned chest and 6 pack abs barely glistening with sweat seem to draw her gaze. "I....I..". she stammered as her hand reached out for Jose to caress that chest like it had a mind of it's own. "I was just warning them of the mean trick the Meanbritches trainer was trying to play on them... you know some people don't like full figured women." "Who would not like a woman with curves. " he said as he pulled Tammy closer to him. "That makes so much more to kiss and enjoy." he said as his hands started caressing Tammy's back. As Tammy and Jose continue to look into each others eyes the rest of the gang feeling the boarders lounge was getting a bit small at the moment, decided to excuse themselves discreetly from the room. "I must get air samples from this place" Geek said.."If I could bottle whatever is in the air here I could make a fortune. Viagra ain't got nothing on this place." Farmeress nodded her head in agreement and as they closed the boarders lounge door they heard the sound of tearing clothes and moans erupting from the lounge. Ester looked at Geek and said "Maybe you should find out the cause of all this unabandoned lust.. maybe there is a cure.." "Just then Thomas 1 yanked her afgan sarong off with a growl and carried her up to the hayloft where Ester could be heard yelling "NEVERMIND!!!!"
___._/> I don't suffer from insanity.. I enjoy every
____/ minute of it! Member stick horse art lovers
//__\\<-- Don't feed the llama!