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  1. #181
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    tools she had ever seen. " My you certainly ARE packing I thought that that saying about farriers was a myth.. but evidently the size of the toolbelt DOES correlate to the size of their.....


    nevermind. ...
    ___._/> I don't suffer from insanity.. I enjoy every
    ____/ minute of it! Member stick horse art lovers
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  2. #182
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    hammer. For the farrier had the largest hammer she had ever seen. As the farrier helped RydArab to her feet she felt Monty slither over her toes. She looked down and Monty continued sliding up the farriers leg and around his waist. "That's one heck of a one eyed snake you have there can I pet him?"
    RydArab asked shyly. "Just be careful.. he get's a little excited the longer he is stroked" the farrier said with a smirk. RydArab slowly stretched her hand out to touch the one eyed snake and as if excited to feel her touch the snake stretched out further and straighter to see her. "It's softer than I expected" RydArab said breathlessly. " He won't be for long if you keep petting him like that." The farrier said playfully. Consumed by stroking the Farrier's one-eyed snake RydArab didn't hear the footsteps comming up behind her untill.......

    nevermind....
    ___._/> I don't suffer from insanity.. I enjoy every
    ____/ minute of it! Member stick horse art lovers
    ';;;;;;; clique
    //__\\<-- Don't feed the llama!



  3. #183
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    ...farmeress came running in, exclaiming, "The hot tub has exploded! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES."

    But indeed, the hot tub had not exploded. It was just DressageGeek, floundering and creating tsunami-like waves as she and Johnny Depp played, "Bobbing for Rosettes."

    The one eyed snake, however, was terribly disappointed, since he so loved to be stroked and petted. he sighed, and slithered back into the farrier's toolbox, and thought,

    "...nevermind..."
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  4. #184
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    You know, Tami Hoag has made a killing writing romances and can now afford expen$$$$ive horses and trainers. We could maybe do the same, just gear it towards whackbat horse lovers like ourselves. Then we could afford that fancy truck and trailer to haul our horses around. Of course, we probably couldn't make enough to pay for the gas though...

    ...nevermind.
    www.specialhorses.org
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  5. #185
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    Oh yeah...Look OUT- Tami Hoag & Rita Mae. We've got a naked farrier and a one eyed python named Monty.

    Do you think Borders Bookstore would make a new section for us labeled "Barnyard Bodice Rippers"? If this is a style- I think we have the market cornered so far...

    Too funny... ahh... never mind.

    S.



  6. #186
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    ...RydArab stood before the farrier trying hard to fathom where that soft skinned and affectionate snake had gotten to. She looked high and low and was even more perplexed when her questions about its whereabouts to the handsome horseshoer caused his face to have a sort of pained expression. “Hmm”, she thought to herself, “Well if he doesn’t want to share his pet snake anymore I’m sure I can find another around this barn somewhere”.

    “Where’s the gardener, are there gardener snakes in this state?” she said aloud, trying not to show too much disappointment in the absence of the grand one eyed python that the farrier had so kindly shared with her a only few moments ago.
    “Um, those are garter snakes, ma’am,” he replied a bit sheepishly. “Oh. Whatever”, said she, “Do they also frighten easily?” “If I am going to fraternize with snakes then I don’t want to be repeatedly disappointed by them going limp with fear at the drop of a hat’, she stated.

    RydArab leaned over and placed her hand on the farrier’s rigid bicep and said to him. “I much preferred your pet snake, dear”… When she inclined forward toward the farrier her blouse gapped open just enough to allow the farrier a peek of a lacy sports bra, of which RydArab was unaware that he saw-at all. She was aware, however, that she felt a sudden little nudge on her inner thigh for a second. She looked down to see what it was and can you believe that it was Monty (!), back again, rising like a phoenix from beneath the dusty tool belt and demonstrating yet again his earlier penchant for a nice petting.

    As RydArab cooed to the snake and stroked him in the ways he seemed to enjoy the Geek was freed from her hypnotism by the formerly chocolate covered Johnny Depp after he revived the bird and heard the phrase again. (Which actually was “Fetch the jolly ball-good horse- nice trick… spoken in the voice of the BNT).

    As Johnny was still suffering from amnesia the Geek was trying to convince him of his true identity. He was still so muddled that she gave up and just swiped her finger across his still chocolaty brow, leaned back against the edge of the tub and looked at him in exasperation while licking the chocolate from her finger. Trying to decide whether or not all of his parts would be affected when the chocolate washed off and in what way- she also was mentally working out a balanced chemical equation in her head that would allow her to formulate a sort of topping, kind of like that “Magic Shell” stuff that is put on ice cream and hardens instantly, to preserve the more important aspects, err, rather attributes of Johnny.

    Over in the round pen HL had her hands full with a young colt who was being a bit nasty and as she gave the cotton lead a good snap she felt a warm breath on the back of her slightly sweaty neck as simultaneously a large warmer hand covered hers, the one holding the tail end of the rope attached to the bucking, snorty colt, that is. She heard the low and soothing voice of the BNT in her ear as he instructed her as to how to calm the colt by making eye contact, and positioning her body just so. Interestingly enough, the BNT was still positioning HL’s body long after the colt had settled and was completely forgotten by them both. For some reason or another she was the one who ended up wearing that lead rope by the time the horse whispering was all said and done. She didn’t look unhappy about that though.

    Unbeknownst to the horses or their humans there was another presence in the barn, a presence so dark, so deviant that even the dung beetles ran, leaving their rolling balls of poo forgotten when he crossed their paths. He crouched low and ran a deathly waxen white hand along the cracked and weathered oak boards that lined the aisle way. He crept along stealthily, nodding his head looking over his shoulders to left and to the right. He popped up suddenly like a jack-in-the-box from under a grilled stall window spooking a young foal that dropped his dam’s teat from his mouth and dribbled out a stream of yellowy colostrum in surprise.

    This bandit, this rogue, this incorrigible creep snuck along looking for his prey. He saw from the corner of his squinty, shifty eye the Farmeress, with her back turned to him as she curried her horse in sweeping circular motions and hummed to herself. He crept closer slowly as to not startle the horse and he reached around between her side and her uplifted arm and before she knew what had transpired… he…he…Oh God, he ripped her bodice with a cackle of corrupt glee. The Farmeress shocked and annoyed turned around and gave him a good thwack on his alabaster forehead, leaving oblong rings of dusty teeth marks from the rubber curry that she used as a weapon. Mortified he said to her, “You can’t do that to me, I am the bane of every barn, the dark prince of the alfalfa snagged brassiere—I AM THE BARNYARD BODICE RIPPER, and you will yield to me!”

    “Like hell” said the Farmeress who walked away totally unimpressed to find a roll of duct tape in the tack room to fix her blouse. She happened to run into Aunt Esther there as she was sitting regally on a tack trunk that was covered in a piece of heavy mauve velvet and was filing away at her already perfect nails, her favorite hand bag clamped protectively to her side.

    As the Farmeress carefully peeled away a narrow strip of camouflage printed duct tape with which to fix her shirt she turned to Aunt Esther and said “Boy, do I have a job for you…” at which time she heard a gurgle and a bump behind her as the Barnyard Bodice Ripper pushed his way into the tack room. With the speed and agility of a graceful leopard on the hunt Aunt Esther arose to her immaculately clad feet, handbag raised and ready for business as the Farmeress backed out of the room, with her eyes on the now terrified face of the ’Ripper and whispered in a small voice…"never mind"...
    Last edited by RydArab; Jan. 15, 2008 at 03:59 PM.



  7. #187
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    Quote Originally Posted by RydArab View Post
    .
    As the Farmeress carefully peeled away a narrow strip of camouflage printed duct tape with which to fix her shirt she turned to Aunt Esther and said “Boy, do I have a job for you…” at which time she heard a gurgle and a bump behind her as the Barnyard Bodice Ripper pushed his way into the tack room. With the speed and agility of a graceful leopard on the hunt Aunt Esther arose to her immaculately clad feet, handbag raised and ready for business as the Farmeress backed out of the room, with her eyes on the now terrified face of the ’Ripper and whispered in a small voice…never mind

    "OMG Pat Parelli finally lost it... I knew when Linda ran off with Stiffen Peters for his.... ummm ... assets that would be it." Yes ever since that fateful day when the small paint horse that she was playing the trust game with got fed up and kicked her in the head. She finally came to her senses and left Pat and his Natural ways. Pat has since started searching the world for a hot woman to help him sell his wares.. cause let's face it.. he has a face only a mother could love and even that love would include a paper bag with holes cut in it. Aunt Ester with Prada bag poised at the ready advanced steadily on Mr Parelli. Pat look like a scared caged animal and backed up as Ester jiggled her bag at him. She got him out the door and made him stand on the pedistal in the center of the covered arena. Farmerss in her duct taped bodice stared in amazement of Aunt Ester's Parelli training technique. Aunt Ester opened her bag and pulled out a $20 bill.

    Pat began salivating upon visualizing the cold hard cash.. still standing on the podium his eyes moved left... moved right as Ester taunted him with the bill... "Oh this could be fun" she said smiling..."Time for a new game Pat" She says..." Let's try a game called Ester says...First off Ester says.....



    nevermind...
    Last edited by horse-loverz; Jan. 15, 2008 at 09:20 AM. Reason: just to add a bit more...
    ___._/> I don't suffer from insanity.. I enjoy every
    ____/ minute of it! Member stick horse art lovers
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  8. #188
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    Quote Originally Posted by horse-loverz View Post
    "OMG Pat Parelli finally lost it... I knew when Linda ran off with Stiffen Peters for his.... ummm ... assets that would be it." Yes ever since that fateful day when the small paint horse that she was playing the trust game with got fed up and kicked her in the head. She finally came to her senses and left Pat and his Natural ways. Pat has since started searching the world for a hot woman to help him sell his wares.. cause let's face it.. he has a face only a mother could love. Aunt Ester with Prada bag poised at the ready advanced steadily on Mr Parelli. Pat look like a scared caged animal and backed up as Ester jiggled her bag at him. She got him out the door and made him stand on the pedistal in the center of the covered arena. Farmerss in her duct taped bodice stared in amazement of Aunt Ester's Parelli training technique. Aunt Ester opened her bag and pulled out a $20 bill.

    Pat began salivating upon visualizing the cold hard cash.. still standing on the podium his eyes moved left... moved right as Ester taunted him with the bill... "Oh this could be fun" she said smiling..."Time for a new game Pat" She says..." Let's try.. Ester says... Ester says.....



    nevermind...


    Good save! Very good.



  9. #189
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    ...at this point, the Moderators looked at each other in exasperation. "We've probably been too nice," they said to each other. "For once, there have been any complaints lodged against us by COTHers...this must be a record. However, we have a job to do. Should we let the Off the Course Forum be over-run by Parelli the Bodice Ripper? Should we simply make a new forum, entitled, "Barnyard Bodice Rippers?" Would the magazine's advertising clients want to be associated with this sort of soft porn? Would we have to give COTH an "R" Rating?"

    They sighed, and plopped themselves down on a bale of hay (cost in Tennessee: $15.99, plus tax; Parelli cost, with orange string: $39.99, plus shipping and handling). "What to do, what to do," they mused.

    Finally, Moderator One stood up, brushing the hay bits off her breeches. "We have no choice. Really, this can't go on. After all - in this situation - What Would Erin Do???" all the while jangling her "WWED" charm bracelet.

    Moderator Two sighed in agreement. "I guess this means," she said on a resigned note, "we won't be able to read soft porn during the work day on COTH's dollar. No more nekked farriers, no more chocolate dipped Johnny Depp, no more well-filled tool...belts..."

    ...at which point they looked at each other, and as always, in unison, Said. "Nevermind!"
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  10. #190
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    Mod 1 and Mod 2 decided to take a stroll thru this very intersting barn just to check up on everybody.. first they go by the hottub where Geek is just emerging from the bubbles with a large Rosette in her mouth...Johnny is in there with her smiling. "Mummble mummble mumble" Geek tries to say. "Dear remember you must take the ribbon out of your mouth first to speak." Johnny says smiling. Geek reluctantly removes the Large Grand Champion rosette from her mouth. "Hello mod's how are you today.. Do you want to play??? But if you do all the ribbons are mine.. aren't they Johnny?" "Yes Yes of course they are darling.. I think there is another first place one down there.. a little to the left of where you were before. " "Oh boy!" Geek says as she immediately went back under the water waving good-by to the mods as she went under.

    "Well that wasn't so bad" Mod 1 said. "Yes the bubbles cover the action and really she's just getting ribbons" Says Mod 2. So they stroll off to keep monitoring the barn activities.. As they come upon the first stall RydArab is there with the Farrier, his tool belt and Monty the one eyed snake. The farrier is bent over trimming the horse as RydAryb stands behind him admiring the way the tool belt sways with the motion of the Rasp. Monty too is swaying in time with the Rasping and RydArab sneeks peeks at the swaying one-eyed snake. "This one is close" say's Mod 1 " Yes the snake .. it's creepy how the one eye seems to follow me everywere" Mod 2 says as she tries to move left then right to lose the gaze of the snake. "Well at least they are with a horse points for keeping it somewhat horse related... long as they don't mention barefoot vs shoes I think we will be ok with this one." "Agreed" says Mod 2.

    As they walk off with Mod 2 occasionally peeking behind her to catch glimpses of the farriers one-eyed snake they then head to the arena where the Farmeress and her duct-taped bodice is there watching Aunt Ester and Parelli. "Well at least she put something on." Says Mod 1. " Yes even if it is held together by duct tape. But wait a minuite that's Pat Parelli in there. You know what happens when Parelli comes up in a thread!" Says Mod 2. " Ordinarily I do but I think Ester has him under control though.. look she's tied that $20 bill on the end of the carrot stick, she can get him to move forward and backward.. just by moving that stick. Look at that he just jumped over that picnic table just to try to catch that stick! Man Ester is good!" Says Mod 1. "I'm making a mental note to check back in on them just to make sure the trainwreck doesn't happen just to be sure." Says Mod 1 "Sounds good to me." says Mod 2.

    They continue their stroll down the aisleway when they are suddenly stopped by Ricky and the hunky shirtless barn hand.. Mod1 and Mod2 are momentarily stunned at the smoldering looks they are getting from the 2 men. "Ummm what do you think.. time to get the crops out yet??" Says Mod1. "I'm not sure." says Mod 2. It was then that Ricky spoke up."We have someone we want you to meet. " He said smiling. The mod's looked at each other unsure of what was to come. All of a sudden out pop's Carson Kressley. "Hi girls!" he says as he rides in on his Saddlebread mare. "Time for queer eye for the straight Mod!" "Oh Goody" say's Ricky as he clapps his hand and prances like a little girl at Christmas. "I love makeovers." "The Mod's both looked down at each others wrinkled Jods, stained shirts (from horse slobber and blood from the catfights they had to separate) and disheaveled hair..(from those rolls in the hay earlier) "Makeover?!" They said in unison. "Oh yesssss" Says Carson. "As a special treat for allowing this adventure to continue. Maybe I can teach you guys how to look good naked too. Not that you girls really need any help in that department anyways. Come on facials for everybody!" And with that he pulled Mod1 and Mod2 up on his horse with him as Ricky mounted his Paso Fino stud with the barn hand. "I love a good facial" Said Ricky..

    Meanwhile the Mod's forgot about Freedom in the hayloft with the Vet.. Lots of interesting noises coming from up there. All of a sudded Freedom yelled .....


    nevermind...
    ___._/> I don't suffer from insanity.. I enjoy every
    ____/ minute of it! Member stick horse art lovers
    ';;;;;;; clique
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  11. #191
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    All of a sudden, Freedom yelled, "SO GLAD THIS ISN'T WHAT ERIN WOULD HAVE DONE!"

    But then, she thought, why shouldn't Erin have some fun anyway? And she began to plan a 'Ho-Down in the hot tub for that very evening. "We'll play games," she thought, "dunking for rosettes like the Geek does...hmmm..we can't allow her to play or she'll want all the ribbons. Mental note: place a call to Hodges Ribbon Company. We'll turn on the chocolate cascading fountain, and the farrier can dip his tool...belt in there, maybe we should ask that the one eyed snake not go in. After all, he'd end up leaving chocolate streaks all over when he slithered out, which could be confused with ...other things. Chocolate for eating, now what to drink?" she mused. Her barn didn't have hot running water, but she supposed she could turn up the heaters in the water troughs. And then everyone could pass judgement on the makeovers for Mods 1 and 2.

    It sounded like a fun evening! She started to PM her friends on COTH to invite them all over, but when she got to Erin's name she remembered that Erin had left, and thought...

    ...oh, nevermind.
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  12. #192
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aunt Esther View Post
    Aunt Esther, national and international Purse Champion, would not be caught dead with a Coach purse of any kind. It is below her. And she wears Louboutins and Manolos. Jimmy Choos were fine when Jimmy Choo worked there. Aunt Esther does not do leftovers.
    sputtering coke All over the.....

    nevermind
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  13. #193
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    Quote Originally Posted by DressageGeek "Ribbon Ho" View Post

    It sounded like a fun evening! She started to PM her friends on COTH to invite them all over, but when she got to Erin's name she remembered that Erin had left, and thought...

    ...oh, nevermind.

    welll I will just have to get.Da KIRK, Hooker..DENNY CRANE. But can he ride in anymore. That a pretty big body he has there but what the heck if Shatner can even get himself in that hot tub then that means that what little room there is is ALL MINE. Erin can go get her own hottie.


    Sorry vet but Shatner is richer and money is the first motivator with good looking steamy bodies next. I am just wondering if I have to bribe the mods from trying to get into any of the action, then there is Aunt Ester, the Geek and Farmeress and heck so many in this cast of characters ( esp that sneaky snake) that I will just have to put a lock on the hot tub entrance so I can view every bulge and huge round...oh never mind.



  14. #194
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    ...and it turns out, when Erin left the board, she realized she suddenly had so much more time in her life for other things, like inspecting the farrier's tool...belt. So really, even if Freedom hadn't put a lock on the hot tub, Erin wouldn't have come to the 'Ho Down party anyway, as she was much too busy.

    Meanwhile, the other hot tub participants were discussing this new development. "If Shatner comes on here," one of them complained, "it'll all be about saddlebreds. We will definitely have to alert the mods about this one," she added smugly, "because COTH doesn't do saddlebreds."

    "I did a saddlebred once," remarked Johnnny Depp. Then, upon viewing the aghasted features of everyone in the hot tub, the barn aisle, the hay loft, and the tack room (goings on there to be discussed later), he muttered, "I mean, I mean...

    ...nevermind."
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  15. #195
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    " I rode a saddlebred once.. geez quit looking at me like that.. on his BACK.. for Sleepy Hollow that was one of the horses they thought about using but he was a bit high strung.. you guys have dirty minds." Depp said defensively. "Besides if you guys want Shatner in here you'll have to widen the barn door to fit his head and ego thru." and with that Johnny crossed his arms and proceeded to pout. Everyone relaxed after Johnny spoke glad that the thread didn't take a beastiality turn... that would be just plain wrong. Just as everyone was getting back to what they were doing they heard a large horn sound. In comes JSwan riding her large horse Bam Bam. playing a trumpet like someone would announce the arrival of royalty. Carson follows her on his Saddlebred steed pulling a red carpet behind him as Carson threw rose petals in the air.... "I would like to present to you the new and improved Mod1 and Mod2!" Everyone turned around and gasped in astonishment at what they saw... Mod1 and Mod 2 were......


    nevermind...
    ___._/> I don't suffer from insanity.. I enjoy every
    ____/ minute of it! Member stick horse art lovers
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  16. #196
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    "Didn't we shut down that thread on animal cloning?" gasped original Mod1 to original Mod 2 (OM1 and OM2). "No, that was us!" replied cloned moderator 1 and cloned moderator 2 (CM1 and CM2). "We figured there should be a set of each of us for every forum, except, of course for the upcoming barnyard bodice ripper forum. That will have to be moderated by the FCC."

    This news brought agonized groans from all attending, because, with the FCC involved, their writings would look like this:

    "About your *** *** ***," said Farmeress, "and your marvelous *** ****..."

    and they all said, "Nevermind..."
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  17. #197
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    Now staring at duplicate mods the barn inhabitants were in awe.. the origional Mod 1 and Mod 2 were all decked out from head to toe in leather... well mostly leather.. they had there completely custom chaps on with Mod1 and Mod 2 custom stitched in the front and "Kickin' ass not Kissin' it".. stitched on the back. Each had on rust breeches underneath.. because as much as Carson begged them to be "secure in their womanhood" they did not want anyone to know if they shaved or waxed or went au natural down there. So Carson conceded and allowed the breeches. They had on black stilletto heels.. not practical for riding but I don't think horseback riding was what Carson had in mind when choosing the outfits. There leather vests appeared to be melted onto their skin with a very deep V. Each of the mods... ummm.. assests were bulging at the seams... Everyone had mouths agape at the hardass... badass image they projected... As Mod1 slapped her crop to her thigh she exclaimed. "Anyone want to post a thread on slaughter now??? I am so ready to kick some ASS!" Everyone nodded no in unison for they all feared Mod1's wrath... Mod 2 was quiet however.. Mod1 looked at Mod 2 and asked what was wrong. Mod 2 replied "Well no one ever asked me my opinions on this makeover... and well Mod 2 is a rather androgynous name... I feel uncomfortable because... " and with that Mod 2 opened her vest to reveal a hairy chest.."well because I'm a MAN bay-beee!!!" Gasps were heard all around.... and then the building went absolutely quiet until Ricky ran in screaming.........


    Nevermind.....
    ___._/> I don't suffer from insanity.. I enjoy every
    ____/ minute of it! Member stick horse art lovers
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  18. #198
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    Then the building went absolutely quiet until Ricky ran in screaming, "OMYGOD!!!!....I have the EXACT same two outfitts in my closet...you two look simply deeee-vine."


    Mod one and two looked at each other....their eyes smoldering as they saw how they really looked to each other.

    Meanwhile Aunt Esher who was tormenting Pat Parrelli with a counterfiet twenty dollar bill thought, "I have just the purse for that would accent those outfits perfectly."

    "MMMM....I wonder if William Shatner will be coming to the party...he dresses so well on Boston Legal," she pondered.

    Freedom, who was in the hayloft phoning COTH members for the party was multi-tasking by amusing herself with the farmhelps' body by.....

    nevermind



  19. #199
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    Quote Originally Posted by farmeress View Post

    Freedom, who was in the hayloft phoning COTH members for the party was multi-tasking by amusing herself with the farmhelps' body by.....

    nevermind
    running her fingers over mats of hair and gently allowing them to snuggle farther and farther down and it was then when she heard the scream and peeked down to see just what was going on her eyes bulges wide at Mod 2. Hmmmm she though I always thought Mod 2 had a good sense of humor but is that really the real Mod 2 or the cloned one.

    Just then in walks what appears to be ...OMG it is...oh well nevermind



  20. #200
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    It was Linda Parelli riding using Rollkur with Anky!!!!! With the Mod's distracted by each others hotness and enjoying some Mod on Mod action of their own no one was there to police the trainwreck that was sure to follow. Pat even raised his eyes from the cold hard cash Ester was ruthlessly teasing him with to stare with mouth agape!. "Linda!" He said breathlessly. "What have you become??" "I have changed teams in more than one way" Linda says looking at Anky lovingly. As Anky angeled her horse to hold hands with Linda it spooked at a miniscule piece of dust and bolted bucking up the aisle. Anky made a valiant effort to stay on her mount but was alas thrown up into the air. The whole barn went silent for a moment as everyone watched Anky fly through the air and gasped as she landed right on.......


    nevermind.
    ___._/> I don't suffer from insanity.. I enjoy every
    ____/ minute of it! Member stick horse art lovers
    ';;;;;;; clique
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  5. Nevermind
    By BelladonnaLily in forum Hunter/Jumper
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: Feb. 6, 2011, 08:41 PM

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randomness