Livin' the dream: if I don't find a horse-girl soon I'm havin' a psychotic break
Contemplating your own little farm? Hear my tale.
Three years ago I was a bright, effervescent young thing, blooming with charm and beauty, intelligent and urbane, up on current events, conversant in films, art, restaurants; all in all quite the witty, carefree bon vivant.
Then I brought my horses home.
In the mirror this morning I didn't recognize the greenish, demented old hag looking back at me. Who was this faded ghost, this frizzling specter? Not me, surely! But yes. It was none other than. Quickly I averted my gaze to the window, only to espy the mounds of frozen manure awaiting my forkulations. I thought, "No wonder I've gone mad and resemble the undead. I haven't had a single day off in three years. Upon a suitable part-time horse girl I would lavish princely sums and heap craptons of respect. If only I could find a horse girl!"
By "horse girl" I mean a more or less adult female who can reliably perform rudimentary equine-related tasks. Also, she doesn't do too many hard drugs too often. She's not a trainer per se, but knows the difference between a botfly and a bog spavin, can help a crone load a horse in trailer, and can lunge a couple of fat Arabians for 15 minutes without turning'em into foaming basket cases. She would would do these things, in addition to the care and feeding of the aforementioned horses (electrogrooming, lite mucking, wound-spotting, and colic-noticing as needed), a couple of days a week, either mornings or evenings, so that I could go into town and do a little shopping and maybe even have dinner at a nice restaurant for crying out loud before I EFFIN' LOSE IT COMPLETELY.
With this in mind, I put these questions to the group:
1. If you have a horse girl, how did you find her and what do you pay her?
2. If you are wise on the subject of horse girls, and were thinking about advising a deluded crone on same, what might you say?
3. If you are a horse girl, how much do you hate your current employer, what is your hourly rate, and how soon can you relocate to Cottonmouth County?
Note: I realize that I will never find my horse girl. This post is part deranged fantasy, part desperate cry for help echoing feebly through a sorrowful fog.