Dear Blue States:
Since this is an EOBB: A Rebuttal to you Blues out there
Dear Blue States:
Well, imagine our relief that you’ve decided to secede and form some sort of bathing-optional commune headquartered in California. The money we'll save in aspirin, now that we won’t have headaches from listening to your interminable whining, will be worth it to us alone.
We'll finally be rid of you lazy, moping, latte-sucking Streisand fans now that you're actually going to follow through--for once--on your promise to finally get off your butts and leave, as so many of you claimed you would every election cycle and then chickened out of actually doing. (Yeah, we’re looking at you, Alec Baldwin.)
But not so fast. You don’t get to take all the Blue States with you--just the Blue parts.
We hate to break it to you, but your Blue States aren’t actually "blue." Mostly, they’re states full of Red counties with pockets of Blue urban blight in them, who vote Democratic in such numbers that if the same results came out of a Third World country—which, come to think of it, many of the "Blue" counties pretty much are—we’d think it was fraud and send some election observers from the UN.
Even California is pretty much a Red State: Bush won 35 out of 58 counties, while Kerry won LA and San Francisco. You want 'em? we certainly won’t fight you for them but you're going to have to found New California without 35 of your most beautiful counties and your second-largest city. Sorry about that.
So, the bottom line is that you don't get the Blue States. Those states have lots of towns and counties that would rather blow their dams and flood themselves out of existence rather than go with you. No, instead, you get the Blue Cities.
But wait…we really feel we owe you full disclosure on this exchange. This might come as an unpleasant surprise, but you don’t actually get the lower divorce and single-motherhood rates and all that other good stuff you think you're going to snag. Those are the conditions that are actually found out in the Red counties—not in the Blue cities, and you can't have them.
Instead you get the urban single moms, not the soccer moms; the drug addicts, not the doctors; the waiters, not the chefs. You get the fine service you've come to expect from the brutal and corrupt inner-city police departments. You get the abysmal literacy rates and schools that are more dangerous than most prisons. All in all, you get to take with you a public sector in most cities so unmanageable they make Mogadishu seem like a tidily run little municipality by comparison.
You get the labor union shakedown artists, "teachers" who can’t pass tests in their own subject, and city government leaders for whom graft, racial spoils systems, and outright theft are a way of life. They’re all very enthusiastic Blue voters, as you know, and we’re sure they’ll stampede their way to New California to start draining your wallets, wrecking your schools, and in general making a mess of your lives.
(And don't come complaining back to us when socialist central planning does for New California what it did for garden spots like East Berlin and Pyongyang. We're putting a strict visa system into place once you all go.)
We, on the other hand, get those Red city suburbs and rural districts. You know, the ones with the good schools, the high property values, the quiet streets and the sheriffs and cops who don’t need to walk around armored up like they’re about to storm the Sunni Triangle.
Oh and don’t concern yourself with our agricultural capacity after all, they don't call it "the breadbasket" for nothin'. We’ll keep right on producing the vast majority of wheat, corn, oats, rye, potatoes, soybeans, beef, chicken and pork.
We’ve always preferred a nice, unpretentious, frosty mug of brew anyway and hey, maybe you can make a salad with those pineapples, stem cells, and lettuce.
And don't even think about keeping the National Parks, the wide open spaces, all those water resources, and all the rest of America's natural splendor, since those are all pretty much located in Red counties.
Hell, we even get most of Oregon and Washington ...ain’t it ironic? You get the urban liberals in Portland and Seattle and their friends in important social organizations (like, say, drug-running street gangs) and we get the rest of the Northwest.
Ok by us; we’d be fools not to take you up on it.
Here’s how it will work; all of you Blue whiners, please feel free to look at a map of the electoral results county by county in each state, and take the people with you who’ve made it clear they’d like to go.
That means you get places like downtown Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, and we get to keep the rest of beautiful Pennsylvania, thanks.
You get to administer bloated public services to the violent, drug-addled, gunslinging populations of delightful inner-city sinkholes of poverty and corruption such as Miami, St. Louis,Atlanta and the ever-popular District of Columbia--which has been governed by liberals (and the occasional crackhead) for so long and so incompetently that any semblance of order has broken down (beyond the carefully guarded borders of your Georgetown bistros, natch) to the point where even the mayor once asked the President to have the city patrolled by National Guardsmen.
Lucky you, it's all yours--enjoy it in good health, and don’t forget to wear your Kevlar...Blue "voters" up there in Northeast DC tend to be jumpy on the ol' trigger finger.
In fact, all around our great nation, you get to keep all the Blue voters who’ve made urban war zones like downtown Detroit--a Blue bastion, of course--the proud showplaces they are today.
We get the rest of Blue states like Michigan and Wisconsin and Illinois and...well, frankly, just about every state in the Union with the exception of Hawaii and New England--and even there, we’ll just hang on to a couple of chunks of New Hampshire and Connecticut.
You’re especially more than welcome to Rhode Island, which will immediately set up some sort of money-laundering scheme and bilk the rest of you once it has been incorporated into whatever sort of muddle-headed utopia you’re trying to create.
If you would please, take another look at the list of best beaches and notice what color states they are in. We'll miss the Hawaiian beaches, but since long stretches of coastline from New Jersey down to Florida and yes, even in Southern California (including San Diego, thanks) are actually in Red counties, we'll be fine.
Sure, we get the rednecks and holy rollers. But since you're apparently willing to trade them for the gangs and psychopaths terrorizing your Blue cities, what can we say? You want the Crips and the Bloods in low riders raking your streets with automatic gunfire, and you're offering us Bubba heading off to church in his pickup?
Hey, a deal's a deal. Done.
True, you also get Manhattan, but darn the luck, you have to take the rest of the city, including the Bronx, Queens, and Brooklyn too, as well as Long Island, which is enough to almost make us feel sorry for you all out there in New California. (Almost.)
For our part, we’ll take most of the rest of gorgeous New York State, although you get the scam artists who infest the legislature in Albany.
And since for some unfathomable reason you actually want Elliot Spitzer, we’ll buy his plane ticket as a gesture of goodwill.
So that’s the deal. You get the cities, with all the crime, crack mommies, and corruption you can stand.
And sure, you get many of the elite colleges too, with the professors who think that terrorists in Fallujah are freedom fighters and that the people who worked in the Twin Towers on 9/11 were no better than Nazis—forgive us for not lamenting over this loss.
We get the suburbs, the countryside, and all the other beautiful places that remain unspoiled by liberal hypocrisy and addle-brained social experimentation.
And we'd like a favor, too: please keep your sky-high tax and crime rates, since we're happy to have the corporations and jobs that continue to flee your Blue cities into our Red counties. It's much appreciated, since our unemployment rates, to say nothing of our crime, single-parenting, and illiteracy rates, are far lower than yours.
Oh, and one last thing. We get the U.S. military, too. Did we mention that part? (You may have forgotten that they're volunteers, and most are happy Red state voters.)
Not to worry, though, since we’re sure that Islamic fundamentalist terrorists will be more than happy to reach an accommodation with a society that embraces radical feminism, gay marriage, gun control, hostility to organized religion of any kind, and Salman Rushdie. Good luck with that.
But one day when some misogynist Saudi freak--who no doubt will sneak into your country by strolling over the northern border after a few years sucking on the Canadian welfare system you all admire so much--blows up a couple kilos of plutonium on Sunset Boulevard, go send Sean Penn to ask the French for help. We’ll be busy that day.
The Red States
PS: You can keep the marijuana. You're going to need it, since selling it is one of the last stable industries left in Blue counties.
Might be an "equal opportunity" board, as you put it, but that doesn't mean you get to be an asshole. ;)
I'm sorry, but they can't have Seattle. It's a nice city and across the Sound from me and I would miss it.
Can someone summarize all that in a few sentences?
Now GFG what you just wrote was not nice. Go take a peek at your red states letter and maybe you will feel better.
Originally Posted by GoForAGallop
Noms - I think I love you...:cool:
The blue states letter (which I read after this one) was relatively tongue-in-cheek. Your tirade of hatred was exactly that, speaking of those in less-than-lucky situations as lower beings.
Originally Posted by Noms
Noms, that was brilliant. You made my day.
Well, I think the "red states" letter was kinda assholey. But yeah, "tirade of hared" kinda sums this diatribe up.
Also, its not really entirely true. I live in one of the wealthiest counties in the country (as in, top 10, with very high per capita income, sky-high property values largely unaffected by the housing crash, and with some of the best public schools in the country) and we were solid blue on Tuesday. And just voted for gay marriage. And while D.C. certainly has its problems, especially when it comes to governance (which is largely just a headache inducing, disgusting joke to liberals as well much of the time), its also filled with highly educated professionals who pay a premium to live in its many, many very nice neighborhoods...not just "Georgetown bistros", whatever those are. :rolleyes:
I mean I get it, you found the other letter offensive. I won't defend it. But what you just spewed on here in response is pretty ridiculous.
Well, this may be an "EOBB", but that was awfully hateful...
Can you amend the first sentence to read "Dear Blue States who found the Red States letter amusing"? ;) Not all of us did.
Oh please, they are exactly the same! This is the same whining we've been hearing all along. Somehow it came to be accepted that if "blues" expressed an opinion or fact, they were enlightened and right, and if "reds" expressed an opinion or fact, they are mean-spirited and/or racist.
I won't miss Seattle.
Wow, that's a lot of douchery right there.
Well, Noms didn't write it, it's been floating around the Internet for several years, so Noms is just passing on something that is making people upset.
I'm not going to bother doing any fact checking, but I CAN tell you that every county in Mass was "blue" on Tuesday...so anyone seriously concerned can rest assured that the entire state with the lowest divorce rate in the country, some of the best public schools in the country, Harvard and MIT, the majority of top ranked hospitals, nice beaches, legal gay marriage, health insurance for just about everyone...will be entirely within the "Blue Country" ;).
Gotta love the Libs. They may be able to dish it out, but they sure can't take it.
Was this intended to be a joke like the other letter? I'm trying to find a place to laugh, really I am. And keep your hands on my maryjane! :D
Originally Posted by Noms
Well, I thought the "Red States" letter's tone was definitely "tongue in cheek" and kind of lighthearted. "Blue States" had a less friendly tone, with a real sense of anger and ugliness. I am a Literature Teacher (you know, one of those "can't pass the test people":no:, and my classes are looking at author's bias, tone and mood, style and purpose, so maybe I'm reading between the lines or something.
But....both "letters" are an example of why the internet is bad for politics and civil discourse.
sigh.....I have a confession to make. I'm a conservative, but I LOVE Barbra Streisand. Extenuating circumstances - I WAS a democrat when I first became a fan. :)
I love epic Republican butthurt, it's my new form of entertainment.
Everyone needs to chill.
I'm a die hard moderate. I vote for gay marriage and would like to see automatic and semi-automatic weapons outlawed for eveyrone but the military. I'd like to see women have the right to choose, but have late term abortions limited to only protect the life of the mother, and partial birth abortions re-classified as murder.
I'd like to see lower corporate tax rates, but have all income treated equally, instead of our current system of earned income being taxed at a higher rate. And I'd like to see the government forced to blance their budgets yearly. It would also be nice to simplify the tax system so that individuals and corporations would not have to spend 10% of their income on a tax lawyer and accountant to save 8% in taxes.
Why can't we have a civil discussion of the real problems that face our country. Like what we absolutely must pay for, what is optional, and how we plan to pay for it without mortgaging ourselves into the biggest societal failure in history? Its only so difficult to solve some of these problems because people are so afraid of the 'slippery slope' of giving even minor consideration of another person's point of view.
BTW: I'll be going with the red states, as I kind of prefer the quiet country to crowded, noisy, cities. In the long run I'd probably be more comfortable surrounded by redneck farmers than condescending intellectuals.