I just want to runn oft - Long
I have alluded to the problems with my family on some of my horse related posts but I've never really gone into detail. So here goes, a vent, rant, what have you. I have told the story of the ponies in another thread if anyone cares to look it up.
I am the oldest of 3 surviving siblings. I have one sister who is deceased and whose 2 children are now grown. About 20 years ago, I lost a job in the Midwest and moved back to my parents' farm. At first I lived in an old run down house that was built by my grandparents. Eventually I bought a double wide but the land it sits on belongs to my parents (dad now, my mom died Memorial Day weekend). My parents always promised me that I would get the land the house is on, around 7 acres, but they have not deeded it to me yet.
Over the years, my parents have occasionally helped me out financially. Things like a case of diet cokes, a tank of gas and my mom, who liked to shop, bought me clothes. But I busted my butt on the farm. My sister lives 80 miles away and my brother could never be bothered. I fed cattle, penned cattle, fixed fence, checked cattle, fed their dogs when my parents travelled and generally did anything else I could do, by myself or with my dad and daughter. My daughter, when she was 8 years old, would sit on the back of the truck and put out range cubes for the cows while I drove. My brother who lived in town would not even bother to call and check to see if we needed help.
When the stock market crashed my parents lost all their savings. My mom, who was a very negative, complaining person, complained to my sister and brother and anyone else that would listen, that I was the cause of all their financial problems. She conveniently forgot all the work I did on the place. Not to mention, when they lost their savings, I often bought range cubes for the cows, bought all the horse feed and would buy her things like cokes or stuff if she needed it. The other development is that my bi-polar brother got his 3rd divorce (all 3 paid for by my parents), lost his job and moved back in with my parents. He has lived in their house for 3 years now and doesn't pay a dime in rent or contribute much of anything to the household. He spends most of his time in his room sleeping.
My mother had a massive stroke around Easter. The day after she had the stroke, I went to her hospital room to check on her and my dad. My sister and oldest nephew were there. They immediately started making nasty remarks about me, that I should have learned to support myself, mom and dad were carrying me, mom was stressed out because of me and generally implying that I caused her stroke. I got enough and left and did not go back when they were there. Mom passed away on Memorial Day. My sister came and took over. She never missed an chance to say something nasty to me. I decided to just avoid her as much as possible.
My Dad sold the farm shortly before my mother died. His share of the farm was around $250,000. Since then he has been spending money like it was going out of style. Some things needed to be done, like the AC unit for his house was shot, he paid for mom's funeral and pre-paid his, and paid off his truck. He also paid to have the 40 acres he kept fenced and to fence the 8 acres around my house. But he also had a pond dug which cost several thousand, bought a $400 Nu-Wave cooker off the TV, bought a new car, bought a $1000 trailer to haul his golf cart, and the kicker, a used party barge! :rolleyes: Over half his money is gone.
Dad is 84, BTW. He has not paid the taxes on the sale of the place, which I am estimating at between $20K and $40K. When I try to talk to him about it, he ignores me. When I try to talk to him about being more conservative with his spending, he ignores me. He totally refuses to face reality. Because I have confronted him, and I confess, I have lost my temper, I am now the evil bitch.
Bi-polar brother has suddenly decided we need to get rid of all the horses. We do need to downsize and believe me, I'm trying. A few days ago, I accidentally left my old horse locked in the pen without water from around 7:30 to around 4:30. Not a good thing, but it wasn't intentional and he may have been a little thirsty but wasn't any the worse for wear. My brother was spoiling for a fight and started verbally abusing me about the horse when I walked in the room. He kept on and on and actually became physically threatening. He finally left and has not come back. My sister came over to see my dad. I was at his house, feeding his dogs, the chickens and horses and making sure Dad had something to eat. Sister, whom I've been avoiding, started confronting me about avoiding her. I am tired of her nasty remarks, I know she's not going to stop and I just want her and my brother to LEAVE ME ALONE!!
I take care of my dad because I'm the closest and its the right thing to do but I am sick and tired of the abuse my siblings are dishing out. My dad is refusing to deed the land my house is on to me so in the very likely event that he has to go into long term care, the state will seize it. That is if the IRS doesn't beat them to it because he hasn't paid his income taxes. So I'm looking at the very real possibility of losing everything I have. I'll be 60 this December and it's not going to be easy to start over. Meanwhile, I'm trying to get rid of all the younger horses. My 4 old guys can be put down if push comes to shove. 6 of my dogs are middle aged or better so when I have to leave, most of them will probably be gone. I'm just hoping I'll be able to find something to rent where I can take my remaining pets.
Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry for the novel.
My only answer is remove yourself.
From one person with a crazy family to another – you need to distance yourself. I know its hard, it can be incredibly difficult, but as long as you are dependant in any way, as long as you are fully immersed in this dynamic – It will make YOU CRAZY.
Seriously, until you are independent of them, your relationship with them will be on their terms, not yours. You won’t ever have the upper hand. Once you are able to sever yourself, you can then build a relationship that is on your terms.
And it’s your Dad’s money to squander as he wishes – been there done that as well (my mom is now supported by the kids after she squandered hers, and I have a hoarder / borderline personality disorder mother in law who has blown through $750,000 in a few years since her husband’s death, she is now looking at a second BK).
You can’t control them. Remove yourself so that they can not control you (by the way, also went through the promises of inherited houses etc etc, learned it was just a way to manipulate and control – I don’t need their promises of land etc – they can keep it if it means earning my independence, which it has!)