ARRRRGGGGHHHH everything sucks!
I don't know what I clicked that made my whole post just evaporate. Blah.
I'll try again:
I'm totally on the verge. I'm lonely but feel completely alienated from the people around me. Work is all I have right now, which is NOT GOOD FOR ME and my coworkers are just ridiculous. I have quite a bit of responsibility and absolutely no authority which sets my coworkers up to not respect me and not take responsibility to get work done themselves. I've been told to "lead by example" but I feel like all that's accomplishing is training the other employees to expect me to take care of everything. There is more than I can do myself, I am really struggling to stay happy and friendly in this dynamic. At the end of the day it's bad for - and really just unfair - to the horses.
If I have to find an encouraging way to say, "Hey, so the horses who aren't working today need to get turned out, kinda like how we did it yesterday" with the result being one coworker just wonders off without a word and the other sort of helps, but then doesn't clip (seriously, it's a clip. Either it's snapped or it's not. It's not something that's got a "quirk" or something a horse could undo) the chain to the gate and all the horses get out and careen around the ranch while there are clients riding and this kid has no reaction and no apparent understanding that he has done something wrong and potentially really dangerous - I dunno. Fine. The horses can just stay boxed. Because I guess I'm a total a-hole for wanting them turned out in the first place and then not thinking it's hilarious you supposedly grew up ranching but don't understand the importance of closing gates. Really the lack of initiative and willingness to self-direct basic, daily tasks is beyond stunning to me right now. Phew.
I just feel totally demoralized by my job right now.
On top of that, my physical symptoms were wince-ingly bad today. My head and back hurt so much I could barely think. I had really hoped this issue was better, but I don't see being able to work well at all if it's gonna be like this. It's just too much pain. And I'm pretty sure my brain is dying, as my memory is getting so crazy bad I'm genuinely scared. It impacts my work and I'm sure it negatively affects how my coworkers see me.
I've been choking back tears all day and I STILL managed to be keep a smile on, crack a joke here and there, and be respectful to - lemme tell you how I really feel - THESE FREAKING JERKY STUPID-FACE MORONS I HAVE TO WORK WITH. :cry::mad: I'm struggling to find a way to improve the situation without ending up the hired nag and tattle-tale I feel I've been asked to be.
And then, AND THEN! this guy I met texted me and asked me to meet him for a drink, so I rallied and said I would. But turns out he wants ME to drive to a restaurant where he lives, which is an hour away. And I already drive 2 hours everyday. Not meet in the middle, not responsive to meeting up a different day and definitely not offering to hop on over this way. Am I crazy??? If I asked someone I just met to hang out I WOULD NOT expect them to drive an hour to come to me, and be out late, in the middle of their work week. I would not expect someone who doesn't even really know me to say,"Hey, what a fabulous proposition! Rather than make a mutually convenient PLAN, why don't I just drive an extra 2 hours with no notice because you're going to be bored this evening." I don't want to have unreasonable expectations or spend my life alone, but it's been a freakishly long time since I met a guy who will just make an effort. I know this seems really trivial, but when I got the text, initially I felt a little hopeful that I might have something nice in my day, and like I said, I've already been teetering on the brink.
Done with everyone today. Can't see myself in tomorrow. I know the way out is to just keep plodding one foot in front of the other, but UGGHHH! I can't find anything to feel good about to make that seem like a worthwhile idea :(:(:(
PS I'm so sorry gdolapp that you lost your heart horse. Have you looked any more horses yet?