Dear God I think I am nuts.... **Updated** I am nuts now.
Ok I know I'm not nuts but let me explain...
I'll be 41 in August. Been with John for 2 years. He's 51, has two kids from 1st marriage (Ages 15 and 19) and now we're starting to "plan" to "try" to get pregnant.
Ok backing up more.... I have wanted to be a mother since I was 7. I know that sounds warped but I have old school papers written on what career I wanted... both said 1 answer: Mother.
Worse it's lasted my whole life that I wanted kids, but only in the right situation with the right guy. I got pregnant when I was 24 and that was 1.) a huge surprise and 2.) soooooooooo NOT the right guy. I made the decision to end it as the lamp whizzed by my head and shattered against the wall behind me. (Thrown by daddy to be.....yea.... not gonna happen) It was an incredibly hard decision then, but I have never regretted it for one day. I do regret having had to make that call, but never the choice I made.
So here we are.... nearly 41, still want a kid pretty badly and now we're planning...
And what's my reaction.... shock and awe. Like.... OMG..... am I really going to do this?
Now don't get me wrong... still very much want to, but somewhere between 24 and 40 with failed relationships, loneliness and broken hearts it stayed on the "to do" list in that kind of "Oh yea I have to remember to buy Milk at the store" type of thing, but now actually walking towards doing it is sooooo wonderfully and terrifyingly scary.
Tell me I am not the first nearly sr citizen to feel this. Tell me I am not nuts.
John's fully on board.. and I have started prenatal vitamins and the IUD will be coming out at the end of this month. (Trying to have at least the rest of this year to ride. Figure out by Aug, body back to "norm" by Oct-Nov....takes 6-12 months to catch..BEST CASE. Already have clinic referrals to get checked for fertility status and so on )
It's just kind of a strange moment to be walking towards something I have always wanted. You see I am the type to take the bulls by the horns. I don't wait, I don't put things I want off. But since this required 2 people to want it wholly and completely... I dunno... It's just wild.
OK so that's what I know. And John did ask my dad for my "hand" 2 weeks ago. So that's on the to do list too. Not engaged yet... but its out there. Man what a wild ride sometimes.
Any and all comments are welcome.