Marriage: when to call it quits?

Some of you probably remember my post from last OT day. Hubby has next to no motivation, enjoys doing nothing, doesn't do anything I ask without me yelling, and thinks minimum-wage jobs are now his calling in life (because I told him not working is not an option, otherwise he would go with that option).

Well, 2 weeks ago we had a HUGE fight. I blew up over nothing and everything. I've tried asking nicely, I've tried begging, yelling seems to be the only thing that works, and sometimes that's iffy, and I finally just had enough.

Since then, he's gotten slightly better, but still refuses to do much other than minimum-wage jobs. He thinks he can put in a year or so and work his way up into management, with no college, no experience. Won't consider going back to school because he's afraid he will fail. Now, he's not dumb. Just frickin lazy. He can memorize about anything, though he doesn't THINK about anything before he does it.

I guess we are going to call a marriage counselor, but when I brought up divorce he tried to give me his TV because "he would never need it again since he would move back in with his parents". Um, there is this thing called being an adult, and it doesn't involve a long-term desire to live with mommy and daddy. I've tried talking to him about this, and it goes right over his head. He just stares at me blankly. Meanwhile I work 60 hrs a week, and work hard, to pay the bills. If given the option, I would rather ride horses for a living, but someone has to pay the damn bills.

When we got married, he worked for the prison and was planning to go for his sgt test, but then I lost my income and we had to move, and now he doesn't want to do anything. I never knew this about him because I didn't work, so I took care of everything at home.

Anyone had any luck getting something like this to work out?

Is he depressed over losing his job and all? And he may not know it...sounds like my cousins hubby. Perpetual grad school T/A until he was well into his 30s, when that went away he could not hold a job and ended up on disability with chronic depression. Sits in the basement in front of the computer in sweats (that he sleeps in) and does occasional cash only jobs. I never visit them any more-gives me the creeps.

It's a possibility. Whether you would want to stay or not is up to you as is whether anybody will be able to help him...particularly if he has a place to run to like Moms and doesn't HAVE to do anything.

Ideally, he would seek help from a mental health professional but kind of doubt he would do that. I'd try the marriage counseling-if he will go or take it seriously if he does go.

IMO too many throw marriage away for all sorts of selfish reasons. But having been in a bad one myself? If you have no joint property and no kids? Maybe it's time to go- I wish I had instead of wasting almost 10 years in an unhealthy relationship...with a southern Mommas boy who ran right to her at any hint of trouble and blamed everybody else for all his issues. Of course he refused joint marriage counseling, why should he go when I was the one with the problem.

Depression was my thought as well if this is kind of a new thing. It doesn't always have to come with sadness, many cases of depression manifest as apathy and extreme lack of motivation.

Otherwise I don't really have any advice, but that does sound frustrating. Definitely get some counseling, preferably individual for both of you as well as going as a couple.

I think the other responses you got were right on. I left a marriage 14 years ago and never really thought about why my husband was so unmotivated. In hindsight, I can now tell you he was clinically depressed. When you are in the middle of all this pain and financial worry, finding and paying for mental health counseling seems impossible. You think, why can't he just suck it up and deal with it?

I don't know if you'll be able to work through this, and my heart breaks for you. But I do suspect he is struggling with a health issue and not just being spectacularly immature and irresponsible. My ex was a former cop and a Vietnam vet with PTSD. Anyone in law enforcement seems to run a risk of problems dealing with the job.

Depression! Can you get him to see a medical doctor?

It might not be depression, but the fact that you both can live off of your salary that he doesn't feel the need to work. If he wanted a job, since he has a lot of prison experience then he could get on with the sheriff's dept, prison or other facility pretty easily I bet. I'm calling him lazy, and with Mommy willing to take him back (you know that idea isn't a sudden decision on his part, is Mommy a bit indulgent of him?) you know that he has no incentive to work (which he's only doing because you said so or else), and he has no incentive to go for counseling, because he's not worried about losing you or his home. I bet if you tossed him out that he would run home to Mommy forever, and the only reason he would come back is if Mom said he's not going to stay with her.

Ask yourself the classic Dear Abby question "Are you better of with him or without him?" My question is would you miss him if you came home tomorrow and he was gone? If the answer is without him is better, or you don't care if he leaves then the marriage is already over. Good Luck with whatever you choose.

I stayed in an unhappy marraige for 12 years. I knew I wasn't happy and made a choice NOT to have children with this man. It took my ex being activated and going to Iraq for a year for me to realize just how unhappy I was when he was around, and how much happier I was when he wasn't. I didn't want anything to happen to him overseas of course, but I spent 12 years of my life trying to make someone else happy and not taking care of myself.

So, I took care of the house and the car, and after he was home safe sat him down and had the talk with him.

I only wish I had done it sooner. I am too old now to have children.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JanM

Ask yourself the classic Dear Abby question "Are you better of with him or without him?" My question is would you miss him if you came home tomorrow and he was gone? If the answer is without him is better, or you don't care if he leaves then the marriage is already over. Good Luck with whatever you choose.

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This, absolutely.
On the face of it, as a stranger reading your post, I have no idea what you get out of this relationship. What's keeping you in it, other than inertia?

Of course I have no access to your emotions, and you might want to stick it out no matter what because you just love him so much. Or you don't want to be on your own. Or whatever. But it is up to you to make a decision if you want change; being passive will continue the status quo. Make a pro/con list and really decide what "pros" are keeping you in the marriage.

He may or may not be depressed, none of us can e-diagnose him. But even if it's depression, unless he chooses to get help things will still continue as they are (or get worse). If he was magically diagnosed with depression tomorrow but didn't think he needed treatment, would it make any difference to your decision? Would you stay out of pity?

Well, I can KINDA come at this from his side. Ive found myself with extreme lack of motivation, I dont enjoy anything (even riding, recently) and I assume i'm not great to be around.

I've been diagnosed with depression before and I dont doubt at all that i'm having an "episode" right now.

Get him to a doctor if you can. I can tell you that if he's anything like me, it's NOT fun for him either.

I woke up one year around Christmas, while married, and thought do I want to do this when I am fifty? We had totally separate lives, getting him to do something with me was a total battle that I was tired of fighting. I saw other people whose spouses would drop the world if they were hurt. Mine said I was "faking" when I went through health issues.

Basically life is short be happy with whatever you do!