Thanks for the tips so far...
Lots of helpful ideas thus far so thank you! I agree that to school a little higher in stadium would be helpful. One reason I feel more confident doing stadium is because I school it more often. I don't like to school XC unless I have someone with me which means it doesn't happen as often.
As silly as this sounds I think what is holding me back is truly irrational mental fear. Whenever I am approaching a wider, more substantial jump all I can think about the first time is "what if". What if "something" happens. Mainly I am worried about falling off due to a stop or slip and getting tossed into the jump and breaking a bone or something. I say this is an irrational fear because this has never happened to me in the past and I have a great horse that will jump anything and is super trustworthy. He is super game to the jumps, loves XC and I never have a feeling that he isn't going to do it.
I don't feel insecure in the tack or anything and we are both very comfortable w,t,c even galloping over all sorts of terrain alone or in groups. We've foxhunted several times and I do tons of trail riding in trappy terrain.
It is just the fear associated with the fact the jumps don't come down and I am not sure how to overcome that. I wish I could take a lesson once a week but it's not in the budget right now. At best I can probably swing once a month and even that might be tough.
Find out what it is you're afraid of...
One of my early trainers had me break down my fear... for me it wasn't falling or getting hurt but the humiliation from falling. When that was clear, it helped lessen the fear.