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supershorty628
Mar. 29, 2013, 07:13 PM
I've been thinking about this a lot as I have about 6 weeks left to figure out all the details before I get married - does anyone know about keeping your maiden name for professional purposes but using your married name socially?

I like my last name. It's short, it's almost impossible to spell it wrong (unlike future Mr. Supershorty's), and I have already established myself with it. I would like to keep it, especially so when I am in a professional setting aside from riding, it's short and simple for clients. Future Mr. Supershorty doesn't feel super strongly, but would like it if I used his last name.

I've met people before who used their maiden name in professional settings and went socially by "Mrs. [husband's last name]" - can anyone give me advice on this? I've been looking it up on Google and I don't think it's as uncommon as I previously thought, but would love whatever information anyone has.

Also would appreciate tips for surviving wedding planning end stages! Thanks!

JGHIRETIRE
Mar. 29, 2013, 07:19 PM
I do it that way.
I think it keeps things a little more private and yes if you are already established that way why change it??
Legally I think it's your married name but not sure it matters too much.



I've been thinking about this a lot as I have about 6 weeks left to figure out all the details before I get married - does anyone know about keeping your maiden name for professional purposes but using your married name socially?

I like my last name. It's short, it's almost impossible to spell it wrong (unlike future Mr. Supershorty's), and I have already established myself with it. I would like to keep it, especially so when I am in a professional setting aside from riding, it's short and simple for clients. Future Mr. Supershorty doesn't feel super strongly, but would like it if I used his last name.

I've met people before who used their maiden name in professional settings and went socially by "Mrs. [husband's last name]" - can anyone give me advice on this? I've been looking it up on Google and I don't think it's as uncommon as I previously thought, but would love whatever information anyone has.

Also would appreciate tips for surviving wedding planning end stages! Thanks!

Bristol Bay
Mar. 29, 2013, 07:21 PM
I have two good friends who use both names. One uses her maiden name professionally and socially, but legally she has hubby's name. Another friend uses her maiden name legally and professionally, but socially she's Mrs. John Smith.

You can do anything you want these days.

Aren't hyphens very popular in the GP ring, though? ;)

TheJenners
Mar. 29, 2013, 07:23 PM
I thought about doing the same thing, for a different reason because my maiden was longer and harder to spell/easier to mispronounce.

My feeling was, in my job, I didn't want the types of people I deal with to know anything about my personal life. But then DH put his foot down (which he pretty much never does) and I realized that, well, duh, I'll be wearing a ring where I wasn't before...

And I am not religious or traditional.

It's a personal decision. What does your fiance think about it? Mine was against it, and he never asks anything of me, so it was a simple answer. And honestly, my last name now? It's an odd one. Never seen it before, and no one else in town has it... Or anywhere else at all period, as far as I've seen.

mercedespony
Mar. 29, 2013, 07:26 PM
I hyphenated legally on marriage - and then on my work emails/life, continue to use my maiden name. In my personal life, use his name.

All of my legal i.d. is hyphenated, but since people don't ask to see my i.d. when we socialize or meet at the business table, it works!

Sfbayequine
Mar. 29, 2013, 07:27 PM
That's what I do, but legally I hyphenated both names and just use either or. The only place that is a pain the butt is for travel. I fly for work quite a bit and right now I have to carry my passport with my old name as my drivers license is the hyphenated name and all my airline info, including security docs is the old name. It is a hassle to change all the work travel records because of the passport/security docs, so when the passport expires later this year, that is the last batch I have to change. I really don't want to hassle with TSA a few times a month.

With the drivers license hyphenated, no one has really cared for banking or other ID's. I have 20 years in my profession with a very hard last name to spell, including social media info, so I did not want to loose that and my hubby is happy that I have his last name for all of our social and family stuff.

SaturdayNightLive
Mar. 29, 2013, 07:35 PM
Hey cyber twin, when's your wedding date? Because mine is in approximately six weeks too and that would be too weird.

Heinz 57
Mar. 29, 2013, 07:35 PM
Breathe.

Using two names sounds rather complicated. Are you planning on having kids eventually? I hear it's much easier if you have the same legal name as your children.

CC
Mar. 29, 2013, 07:41 PM
That's what I do. I never changed my name and hubby doesn't care. So legally, my maiden name is it but socially, I'll use his. What is funny is that occassionally we will get something addressed to Mr. and Mrs. "my maiden name"!

JanM
Mar. 29, 2013, 07:47 PM
I've known a lot of women who keep the same name professionally, and use their married name on everything else. It helps keep professional acquaintances from intruding into your personal life, and allows you some separation of the roles. I actually know a lady who has been married twice, and never changed her name for anything with either marriage.

Gainer
Mar. 29, 2013, 08:08 PM
I kept my maiden name for business. Mainly because I had an established reputation under my maiden name and my husband and I worked in the same field (and for a time at the same company). In our field, it was often useful if others didn't know we were married.

horseymum
Mar. 29, 2013, 08:12 PM
I kept my maiden name full stop. Here unless we go through all the bazzar to change it it stays as your maiden name. I guess, to be honest, that I did it because I am lazy and also because Mr. Horseymum's last name just sounds goofy with my first name. DD has his last name though, in retrospect I should have hyphenated it for her.

Chief2
Mar. 29, 2013, 08:16 PM
I kept my maiden name both professionally and socially. I was already established in my career with that name, and didn't want to go through the hassle of changing things around. My FIL got ticked off about it, but DH was fine with it, so that was that. Talk it over with your SO, and see how he feels.

Beethoven
Mar. 29, 2013, 08:28 PM
I am not sure what I am going to do. I am in vet school now. There has never been a Dr. "Beethoven", but my hopefully future husband dad is a dentist. I haven't spoken to my BF about it yet. So honestly I don't know his opinion. I was always against people keeping their maiden name when I was a kid, but now its different. Especially if we get married after I have my DVM and license then I just think it would be complicated to change it. I am on the fence. We will see.

I think its fine to use two different last names. Maybe social I will use his last name and legally and professional use mine.

IdahoRider
Mar. 29, 2013, 08:40 PM
I kept my maiden name when I got married, and continued to use it professionally. Now, as a teacher, I go by Mrs. Maiden Name because it is too confusing to explain to kiddos that although I am married I don't use my husband's name. I'll answer to anything really-Miss, Ms. or Mrs., it makes no difference to me.

When dealing with my children, I am Mrs. Husband's Last Name, because that is easier. But I never changed my name legally when we got married and I don't intend to at this point. It works for us.
Sheilah

S1969
Mar. 29, 2013, 08:42 PM
Breathe.

Using two names sounds rather complicated. Are you planning on having kids eventually? I hear it's much easier if you have the same legal name as your children.

I agree with you that using two names sounds complicated. But having a different last name as my kids has NOT been complicated, so long as I don't mind answering to "Mrs. Their Last Name" - which I don't. It's not really that big of a deal, because it's just not very uncommon to have a different last name as your kids anymore.

That said, I know people who have hyphenated their kids' names, and/or given each of their kids one of their original last names. There are many variations, none of which are really a big deal -- the people who will use your last name the MOST are your colleagues, because you will always be known as "so-and-so's MOM" to your kids' friends anyway.

The only person who is likely to have an issue with it is your husband - if he doesn't mind, then keep your original last name, and don't worry about it.

Pony Fixer
Mar. 29, 2013, 08:44 PM
I never legally changed my name. I stayed Dr. Ponyfixer, but socially would use my hubs last name. It would crack me up when people would call or address lettes to MR. PONYFIXER, LOL!

AKB
Mar. 29, 2013, 08:50 PM
My daughter decided to keep her last name when she married last year. She had several publications and degrees in her name, and felt that if she changed her name, it would be like starting her career all over again. She is ok with being known as Mrs. Husband's last name, but most people call her by her name professionally and socially.

Kryswyn
Mar. 29, 2013, 08:57 PM
When I get married later this year, it will be my first and I'm in my mid 50's. I can't say I'm thrilled to give up my last name. I know my fiance' wants me to take his name, and I can see some social advantage to being "Mrs. Blank" My remaining family will certainly expect me to take his name.

I probably will just call myself Kryswyn Maiden Blank and not change anything legally for a couple of years. If it becomes important, I'll do it when necessary.

mep0726
Mar. 29, 2013, 09:05 PM
I plan to keep my maiden name professionally and use my (future) husband's last name socially. I am currently in veterinary school and think it would be too confusing to change my last name, as I feel like I would lose the connections/contacts I have already made. FWIW, all of the female veterinarians I know in the field of vet med that I intend to practice in did not take their husband's last name professionally.

skydy
Mar. 29, 2013, 09:05 PM
I've been thinking about this a lot as I have about 6 weeks left to figure out all the details before I get married - does anyone know about keeping your maiden name for professional purposes but using your married name socially?

I like my last name. It's short, it's almost impossible to spell it wrong (unlike future Mr. Supershorty's), and I have already established myself with it. I would like to keep it, especially so when I am in a professional setting aside from riding, it's short and simple for clients. Future Mr. Supershorty doesn't feel super strongly, but would like it if I used his last name.

I've met people before who used their maiden name in professional settings and went socially by "Mrs. [husband's last name]" - can anyone give me advice on this? I've been looking it up on Google and I don't think it's as uncommon as I previously thought, but would love whatever information anyone has.

Also would appreciate tips for surviving wedding planning end stages! Thanks!

First, congratulations! and I hope you have a long and happy life together!

Your last name is short, so the hyphen may be the way to go. Legally you will have his name and if that is important to him by all means compromise ..however you can leave the second name off of your business cards, stationery, etc.. if you choose. If an internet presence is important in your profession ,will people be googling your name and need to know any name change to find you? If so, that could be a consideration.

So,
LEGALLY: Supershorty Smith-Whatsamajigger.
IN BUSINESS: Supershorty Smith.
SOCIALLY: Mrs (Supershorty)Whatsamajigger.

If your work life and your social life never intersect, no confusion. If they do, the hyphen is not uncommon, and no one will think twice about it.

Your friends will know who you are (obviously)!



I am (it seems) unusual in my feelings about weddings. I feel that less is more. Too many people start their married lives off in a state of nervous exhaustion due to "THE WEDDING". Relax. Everything does not have to be perfect. The wedding lasts only a tiny fraction of what will (hopefully) be a long and happy time together. Have fun!

MMacallister
Mar. 29, 2013, 09:08 PM
I changed it legally and professionally, but most people still call me by my maiden name, and it isn't changed in all of our systems. It doesn't bother me either way, but my husband wanted me to take his name, and since I love him and all I just went along with it.
It is a giant PITA though, especially if you are established in any way.

IndysMom
Mar. 29, 2013, 09:12 PM
Been married for 10 years. Have worked at the same place for 23 years. I kept my maiden name at work. I like the privacy of the work people not easily knowing my facebook page etc... It's a bit of a problem (banks, doctor), but then I just put my maiden name as my middle name and the married name as the last name. I say keep your maiden name. After all it's YOUR name. When I was divorced, the FIRST thing I did was go back to my maiden name.

S1969
Mar. 29, 2013, 09:23 PM
So,
LEGALLY: Supershorty Smith-Whatsamajigger.
IN BUSINESS: Supershorty Smith.
SOCIALLY: Mrs (Supershorty)Whatsamajigger.


Just out of curiosity, what does "socially" mean? I am trying to imagine my life with a "social" name...my friends know my last name (and many of my female friends also kept their maiden name so it's easy to remember what to do...); my work friends knew me by my maiden name only; only my dh's parents thought I changed my name. ;)

But who are these "social" people that know you by your dh's name? I'm honestly not trying to be snarky, I'm truly wondering. Most of my dh's friends were either his colleagues or mine, until we had kids. Many of my kids' parents don't know my last name, but I don't really care because I don't actually ever get together with them or communicate in any "formal" (aka written way)....

I know of quite a number of people who went legally by "Mrs. Maiden Married", but in business kept their name as "Ms. Maiden." I really can't think of a single person who goes by something else other than those two things except for when telemarketers call and say "Mrs. Married name?" and then you say "No, there is no one here by that name!" (That's HOW you know it's a telemarketer!) ;)

lep
Mar. 29, 2013, 09:35 PM
Check the laws in your state. Husband's last name might not automatically be yours. I know in my state it's not.

Also, and not to be a Debbie Downer, but I hear women so many women say they take their husband's last name so that she will have the same last name as the kids, and years later she's remarried with yet another new last name (or divorced and gone back to the maiden name), which is now different than the kids' last name since they have the dad's name. Again, not saying that to be a downer or saying that will happen to you, but just pointing it out.

furlong47
Mar. 29, 2013, 09:49 PM
I work in TV and lots of people do this (on-air talent), especially if they have already established themselves under their maiden name or if it is easier to spell/pronounce.

supershorty628
Mar. 29, 2013, 09:54 PM
Hey cyber twin, when's your wedding date? Because mine is in approximately six weeks too and that would be too weird.

I just LOLed because I asked you the same question on another thread and called you my twin (and hadn't seen this post yet). Mine is 5/23!


Breathe.

Using two names sounds rather complicated. Are you planning on having kids eventually? I hear it's much easier if you have the same legal name as your children.

Not planning on kids (ever!). If I did, I could ask my parents about that, as my mom kept her maiden name and actually, that's what my last name is. They've been married for 30 years this year!

SaturdayNightLive
Mar. 29, 2013, 09:57 PM
I just LOLed because I asked you the same question on another thread and called you my twin (and hadn't seen this post yet). Mine is 5/23!

I totally PM'd you!

My wedding is 5/11.

It's somewhat comforting to know that we are not getting married the exact same day and so are not, in fact, the same person. Although I'd still love to ride as well as you. ;)

supershorty628
Mar. 29, 2013, 10:07 PM
First, congratulations! and I hope you have a long and happy life together!

I am (it seems) unusual in my feelings about weddings. I feel that less is more. Too many people start their married lives off in a state of nervous exhaustion due to "THE WEDDING". Relax. Everything does not have to be perfect. The wedding lasts only a tiny fraction of what will (hopefully) be a long and happy time together. Have fun!

Thank you!!

I feel that less is more too, it's more surviving my mother and future mother-in-law getting frantic about it that's my issue! :lol:

sunridge1
Mar. 29, 2013, 10:11 PM
I'm old so YMMV. I kept my maiden name. First marriage I took husbands name, second I hyphenated, last I kept my maiden. I owned too many things to go about changing everything. PITA the first 2 times. Still haunted with 3rd class mail from 2nd marriage 13 years later!

DH was a little disappointed until I asked him if he would like to change his name and all that went with it. Big resounding NO. Well then....

skydy
Mar. 29, 2013, 10:16 PM
Just out of curiosity, what does "socially" mean? I am trying to imagine my life with a "social" name...my friends know my last name (and many of my female friends also kept their maiden name so it's easy to remember what to do...); my work friends knew me by my maiden name only; only my dh's parents thought I changed my name. ;)

But who are these "social" people that know you by your dh's name? I'm honestly not trying to be snarky, I'm truly wondering. Most of my dh's friends were either his colleagues or mine, until we had kids. Many of my kids' parents don't know my last name, but I don't really care because I don't actually ever get together with them or communicate in any "formal" (aka written way)....

I know of quite a number of people who went legally by "Mrs. Maiden Married", but in business kept their name as "Ms. Maiden." I really can't think of a single person who goes by something else other than those two things except for when telemarketers call and say "Mrs. Married name?" and then you say "No, there is no one here by that name!" (That's HOW you know it's a telemarketer!) ;)

Supershorty did not specify, but I had the image of husband's work colleagues at a party or other outing ,such as attending a wedding of husband's family member or old friend who don't know Supershorty's maiden name etc..

Hinderella
Mar. 29, 2013, 10:17 PM
Absolutely keep your maiden name, if you want to. I did, and it's never been a problem for me or for my husband. People who don't know us well will sometimes refer to me as Mrs. Husband's name, and that's fine. And yes, we do sometimes get mail (or wedding invitations) addressed to Mr. And Mrs. Hinderellla. He's good natured, he doesn't care.

skydy
Mar. 29, 2013, 10:18 PM
Good luck on toning down the Mom's enthusiasm Supershorty! :lol:

lilitiger2
Mar. 29, 2013, 10:24 PM
I had many years with my maiden name so used it as a middle name and took my husbands last name. Its a great name and he was jacked about it. Now people just call me lilitiger HUSBANDS NAME and its no big deal. And all our stuff matches, which is handy. And on FB sometimes he and I and his kids will all be commenting on a thread and all you can see is a long line of HIS LAST NAME. No regrets.I liked my maiden name but I also like being Ms. X as well!

Janet
Mar. 29, 2013, 10:25 PM
My wedding is 5/11.
That is MY anniversary!!! (1996).

Just be warned that your anniversary will fall on/near Mothers Day, so it may be hard to get restaurant reservations.

I kept my maiden name. I was already over 40., and had too much of my life known by my maiden name.

When people ask ,I say "He did not change his name when we got married."

My husband is a teacher. The people at the school call me Mrs. Hisname, and that is fine with me. He sometimes gets called Mr. Myname, and we have a good laugh.

SaturdayNightLive
Mar. 29, 2013, 10:28 PM
That is MY anniversary!!! (1996).

Just be warned that your anniversary will fall on/near Mothers Day, so it may be hard to get restaurant reservations.



Aw, that's awesome!

And yes, I noticed that 5/12 is Mother's Day this year. I probably should have studied the calendar a little harder. :lol:

Renn/aissance
Mar. 29, 2013, 10:30 PM
No advice, just congratulations! You too, SNL! :)

SarahandSam
Mar. 29, 2013, 10:32 PM
I kept my maiden name legally, but use my husband's name for teaching (my students all started calling me by the new name because they were excited when I got married, and it stuck) and usually for social purposes (it's easier to pronounce than my maiden name).

lep
Mar. 29, 2013, 10:42 PM
I think it's cool your mom kept her last name and that is yours. She must have been considered a flaming liberal for keeping her name 30 years ago!

One of my good friends kept her name when she got married, and at the wedding reception, she and her new husband were announced as Jane Doe and John Smith. I was standing near one of his aunts, and she was horrified and said, nearly in tears and with a long southern drawl, "they should be saying Mr. and Mrs. John Smith."

And just to add, I don't think of my last name as a "maiden" name, it's just my name, period. It's not going anywhere.

WildBlue
Mar. 29, 2013, 10:51 PM
Like many others, I was already established professionally and spent thirty-odd years learning to answer to a particular name. So, I never changed it legally and use only my maiden name at work.

Away from my job, I tell people that I answer to any combination of my name, his name, or both, and to use whatever version they like. Some people are confused, a few are offended, but pretty much everyone managed to deal with it.

mooonie
Mar. 29, 2013, 11:00 PM
Simple. Just ask your future husband to take on your last name.

Prime Time Rider
Mar. 29, 2013, 11:09 PM
Legally your last name doesn't change just because you're married. I kept my maiden name after getting married for many of the reasons already sited on this board; I have a professional reputation under my maiden name and I sure as hell wasn't going to try and hyphonate two long Germanic last names for fear I would sound like a Geman CPA or law firm!

DancingArabian
Mar. 29, 2013, 11:18 PM
You could also hyphenate and keep your maiden name first, hyphenate then add your married name, or you could drop your existing middle name, turn your maiden name into your middle name and take his last name.

Mrs. FirstName MiddleName MaidenName-MarriedName

Mrs. FirstName MaidenName MarriedName

ride the pony
Mar. 29, 2013, 11:24 PM
I kept the name I was born with. I am no one's property. Possibly thius will cause me problems later I have only been married 3e years. MRS XXX wellthat is my Mother-in-Law not me!

rustbreeches
Mar. 29, 2013, 11:38 PM
I kept my maiden legally for 4 years after, but went by my married. I probably would have never changed except it was getting hard to use his credit card at some places.

It is much easier to change than change back, so wait and see how you feel after a year or so

make x it x so
Mar. 29, 2013, 11:48 PM
I'm planning on being Dr. Makexitxso when vet school ends, but would consider using future hubby's name socially if I like it more than my actual last name. Not that I dislike my last name, but people tend to mispronounce it, and it gets tiresome.

As others have said, it seems to be a common trend.

ThreeHorseNight
Mar. 30, 2013, 03:06 AM
I got married 25 years ago and kept my name. As did my sister, my cousin, two sister-in-laws, and assorted other relatives and acquaintances. I have never understood the desire to change your name to be the same as your husband's. It dumbfounds me and it amazes me when people are amazed that I kept my name. Keeping my name has never caused any problems. When I got married there seemed to be more of a trend towards keeping your name (or hyphenating both last names and both the husband and wife taking that new name; I didn't need to go through life with two longish last names). Now the trend seems to be to take your husband's name. I would have never thought this custom would have survived this long!

skydy
Mar. 30, 2013, 03:58 AM
I got married 25 years ago and kept my name. As did my sister, my cousin, two sister-in-laws, and assorted other relatives and acquaintances. I have never understood the desire to change your name to be the same as your husband's. It dumbfounds me and it amazes me when people are amazed that I kept my name. Keeping my name has never caused any problems. When I got married there seemed to be more of a trend towards keeping your name (or hyphenating both last names and both the husband and wife taking that new name; I didn't need to go through life with two longish last names). Now the trend seems to be to take your husband's name. I would have never thought this custom would have survived this long!

No one (in my experience) has ever been "amazed" when a professional women has kept her maiden name (and that observation goes back for more than 25 yrs).

Everyone is most comfortable with customs with which they are familiar. What is "amazing" to some is commonplace for others. I do remember the hyphen fad, it seemed to me an affectation mimicking professional women who did hyphenate for a purpose.

"Now the trend seems to be to take your husbands name"? :lol::lol::lol:

SFrost
Mar. 30, 2013, 05:29 AM
I think that it is totally acceptable to keep your maiden name professionally. (Heck, even legally.)

When hubby and I got married we both actually changed our names. My stepdad, who I consider my true father, never had any other children. He always said I was enough for him. (In a good way, but I also put him through hell. haha) He is the last male in the family, so his last name would have "died out".

My biological father was always a jerk about adoption, so I was never officially able to use his last name. It was a crock too because my biological father never wanted a thing to do with me.

So, hubby and I added my stepdad's last name to my husband's last name with a hyphen. We did really tick my husband's mother off with it. But that was kinda fun. ("The name I gave you isn't good enough?" Ha, she is a fruit bat. She totally didn't get it.)

The whole point in that story was, do what makes you happy. If you want to keep it professionally there isn't a thing wrong with it.

S1969
Mar. 30, 2013, 07:56 AM
Supershorty did not specify, but I had the image of husband's work colleagues at a party or other outing ,such as attending a wedding of husband's family member or old friend who don't know Supershorty's maiden name etc..

Oh, I see; I was thinking in a more "formal" way, where you would actually introduce yourself to people outside of work using a different name.

But yes, you will certainly be called by the dh's last name whether you want it to or not. I don't "go by" my dh's name "socially" but certainly get invited to things as Mr. & Mrs. HisLastName. It's no biggie. And often he gets called "Mr. MyLastName" by people who don't know that I didn't take his last name.

chillydc
Mar. 30, 2013, 08:26 AM
I kept my maiden name for all things. I felt very strongly about it, for several reasons. My husband wanted me to change it, and still does, but I just do not feel that a woman should have to take on another name simply because she is female. It feels too much like being owned.

Frank B
Mar. 30, 2013, 08:43 AM
My cousin kept her maiden name and tacked on her married name because she had established a reputation in the music world. While she was married, she became much better known, then found herself in a quandary about what to do when they divorced. :lol:

Perhaps adding the husband's name before your maiden name would be a solution?

pompeiii
Mar. 30, 2013, 11:51 AM
I got married this fall and kept my maiden name. To be honest, it's a lot of work to change your name and I just like my name. My husband has a nice name too (I like his name) though it's hard to pronounce and spell. But, at the end of the day, I've had my name my whole life and really just see no real reason to change it (professionally I wouldn't want to change it either).

Everyone is fine with me keeping my name. My husband doesn't care, my SIL loves that I kept my name, my mom approves (she told me if she could do it again, she'd never have changed her name), though my MIL doesn't understand it and is a little offended that I didn't change my name. She refers to me with his last name and sends me cards/check addressed to Mrs. Hislastname (though on the last check she did write Mrs. Mylastname Hislastname) which is a pain because all my bank info is mylastname sot hat stuff goes in the a joint account because it's easier to deposit. My husband does get called Mr. Mylastname sometimes and he's fine with it.

We don't have kids now though maybe in the future. They'll likely have his last name (though he wants my last name as a second middle name). If people call me Mrs. Hislastname, fine, but I'm happier when people just call me by my first name.

talkofthetown
Mar. 30, 2013, 12:22 PM
I do it, not totally willingly, though :) I go by Mr TOTT's name whenever possible, but legally I am still my maiden name. Long story short, I'm an air force brat, was born overseas, had 2 birth certificates; one from the country, one from the US. American version got destroyed during a move, only one I have is written in another language, isn't accepted anywhere. Parents never got the US one replaced. Thanks guys :rolleyes: So still trying to figure this out, but back to the OP's question...yeah I do it, it can be a pain when check are written, applying for insurance, etc...having to make sure anything legal is put in yout legal name- most people just use my married name and assume that's what it is. A pain, but manageable.

west5
Mar. 30, 2013, 12:47 PM
Thank you!!

I feel that less is more too, it's more surviving my mother and future mother-in-law getting frantic about it that's my issue! :lol:

I can't stress this enough but while family is very important to me, do not let anybody pressure you into wedding decisions (or life ones like your last name).

Many years ago I did make some concessions about my weeding, I wanted less and everybody else wanted more, to keep the peace I did a fair amount of the "more". I am not sorry I did that at all. However, I did not negotiate on other aspects that were important to me.

About the name, I am now divorced and back to my maiden name. My ex insisted that I change my name to his, "or else we wouldn't get married" 20 odd years ago while on line to get our marriage license. In general he was a low key guy but was adamant about this point. I'm assuming you are wiser than I was and would run for the hills if this was the situation. It was a "red flag" that I did not recognize.

I did always use my maiden name professionally and for any graduate work I did so that was nice. Changing it all back and forth is a lot of paperwork and really you can do almost any combination of names for things other than your passport, drivers license, taxes etc which must be in your "legal" name.

I highly recommend that regardless of the name issue you keep at least one bank account separate at a bank that you do not have a joint account at together. Just to be safe.

I have two wonderful children and am not unhappy about my previous choices just wiser!

I hope you have a long and wonderful marriage together!!

Indy
Mar. 30, 2013, 03:08 PM
First, congrats on the upcoming marriage!

I changed my name legally after I got married, but kept my maiden name as a middle name. All three names are on my driver's license, so the fact that I still haven't changed my credit cards hasn't been a problem since it's obvious that my maiden name is on the cards.

I kept my maiden name at work mostly because I do business with a lot of people who are not in-house and I didn't want to have to deal with changing it and have people not know who I am anymore. Plus, at the time we were planning on moving in a year so I figured it just wasn't worth the hassle. Three and a half years later, I'm still there but we recently changed email servers and now my name shows up as Indy Maidenname Marriedname (which I know I could change) so I'm using this as a way to phase in my married last name and phase out my maiden name. I figure I'm likely going to be there a few more years now and I'm tired of remembering what name to sign on paperwork so I might as well move everything over. I kind of wish I would have gone ahead and made the move to my married name three years ago because now I'm having to explain it to people (no, I didn't just get married....no, this email is not SPAM, it's coming from me)

Heinz 57
Mar. 30, 2013, 04:46 PM
I do it, not totally willingly, though :) I go by Mr TOTT's name whenever possible, but legally I am still my maiden name. Long story short, I'm an air force brat, was born overseas, had 2 birth certificates; one from the country, one from the US. American version got destroyed during a move, only one I have is written in another language, isn't accepted anywhere. Parents never got the US one replaced. Thanks guys :rolleyes: So still trying to figure this out, but back to the OP's question...yeah I do it, it can be a pain when check are written, applying for insurance, etc...having to make sure anything legal is put in yout legal name- most people just use my married name and assume that's what it is. A pain, but manageable.

I don't know about yours, but we ordered a new copy of Mr. Heinz's birth certificate from the vital statistics office online (he was born in the US, though). It was not hard at all. Assuming your birth cert is on file with vital records you should be able to get another quite easily, if you have a SSN and another form of ID like a drivers license - Try here: www.vitalchek.com, or also here if you had a "consular report of birth": http://travel.state.gov/law/family_issues/birth/birth_593.html

mcm7780
Mar. 30, 2013, 09:02 PM
I'll be getting married this fall. I'm planning on keeping my last name but using his socially. I'm a doctor and don't want to "start over" with a new name. I thought about hyphenating so I could use both or either name in various situations but our names are too similar. If I did, my name would be too repetitive! Think something like Dr. Roger-Rogers, Dr. Miller-Stiller, or Dr. Smithson-Smith. :no:

RiderInTheRain
Mar. 31, 2013, 04:22 AM
I recently got engaged and will definitely be keeping my maiden name when we get married. Fortunately, my SO's mother kept her maiden name for use both socially and professionally, although she also does not mind if she is called or receives correspondence addressed to "Mrs. So's father's last name". Since this is the norm for their family, me keeping my last name has been a non-issue.

On the other hand, some members of *my* family feel strongly that I should take my SO's last name!

I've actually thought for several years now about legally changing my last name to my mother's maiden name rather than my father's family name (my current legal last name) because my mom's side of the family are people I feel a deep sense of family and connection with and are who I would like to be identified with.

However, I haven't seriously pursued this and now that I am planning on getting married, I think changing my current last name to not my SO's name, but my mother's maiden name instead would create altogether too much family drama for it to be worth it!

Jeito
Mar. 31, 2013, 05:55 AM
I've been married 20 years and have done every combination above. Legally you can use whatever name you want after you're married. By profession I'm an attorney, and about ten years ago I started using my husband's name b/c it's just easier to pronounce than mine. No biggie. Just started introducing myself with the new name and signing things with the new name. I still have a bank account under my old name, and no one cares that I sign checks with a different name than the name on the check ;) Last time I renewed my passport I just showed them my marriage certificate. It is not a big deal at all, and certainly you don't have to decide now.

loshad
Mar. 31, 2013, 06:56 AM
If you're established professionally, it's easiest to keep your own name. I've been married 11 years and changed -- I was still getting my doctorate, wasn't established yet, and my maiden name was rather odd.

That having been said, people will call you whatever they want regardless of what your name is. Despite my having made it very, very clear that being called Mrs. HUSBANDS NAME Loshad makes me stabby, it still happens in the regular. :rolleyes: At least now some people send things to Mr and Dr HUSBANDS NAME Loshad. Sigh.

SaddleFitterVA
Mar. 31, 2013, 08:08 AM
Breathe.

Using two names sounds rather complicated. Are you planning on having kids eventually? I hear it's much easier if you have the same legal name as your children.

I think most schools are quite accustomed to the possibility of multiple last names in a family.

I did not change mine, my son has my husband's last name, I will answer to their last name in social settings, but being addressed as Mrs. Husband-first&last name pisses me off. I did not give up my identity when I got married.

My son finally suggested that I change my last name...

wait for it...

his freshman year in college.

I have joked that I will change my last name at our 25th anniversary, but that is now less than a year away. I suck at paperwork and so maybe I'll make it a goal for 40 years.

js
Mar. 31, 2013, 08:29 AM
Is this just in a social context or on your marriage certificate it will be your husbands name but on your professional documents your maiden name? If you are having his name on the marriage certificate but your's on professional documents just make sure there is no possibility of legal issues should something happen.

Jeito
Mar. 31, 2013, 08:37 AM
Is this just in a social context or on your marriage certificate it will be your husbands name but on your professional documents your maiden name?


My Pennsylvania marriage certificate has only my old name and my husband's name. It does not have a space for a new surname. I wonder how many states make you chose a surname.

vxf111
Mar. 31, 2013, 10:10 AM
I have a co-worker who kept her maiden name. The kids all have it as their middle name and always go by all 3 names... so "Kidname" "maiden name" "husband's name." Not hyphenated but SOUNDS like it and has never been a problem for the schools.

Gestalt
Mar. 31, 2013, 10:27 AM
At work I see emails all the time from women that marry, give you their new last name, them divorce, send another email with their new last name, couple years go by, another email with their new last name, then heres that divorce problem again, oops another new last name.....

I think professionally it is better to stick with one name. Whatever your feelings may be about "taking" your husbands. Changing my name was never in the cards for me. I want to die with the same name I was born with. Just personal preference.

Guilherme
Mar. 31, 2013, 06:41 PM
I've been thinking about this a lot as I have about 6 weeks left to figure out all the details before I get married - does anyone know about keeping your maiden name for professional purposes but using your married name socially?

I like my last name. It's short, it's almost impossible to spell it wrong (unlike future Mr. Supershorty's), and I have already established myself with it. I would like to keep it, especially so when I am in a professional setting aside from riding, it's short and simple for clients. Future Mr. Supershorty doesn't feel super strongly, but would like it if I used his last name.

I've met people before who used their maiden name in professional settings and went socially by "Mrs. [husband's last name]" - can anyone give me advice on this? I've been looking it up on Google and I don't think it's as uncommon as I previously thought, but would love whatever information anyone has.

Also would appreciate tips for surviving wedding planning end stages! Thanks!

My wife was an M.D. when we got married 40 years ago. She did just what you're suggesting (she's Dr. Maidename in her practice and Mrs. Marriedname everywhere else).

There was one exception: she went into the Navy (I was already there) and became LCDR Marriedname, MC, USNR. She retired 23 years later as CAPT Marriedname, MC, USNR. This decision was driven by rules in place at the time regarding the commissioning process. We thought it was odd at the time, but it has worked out for our benefit on multiple occasions. So, no harm no foul. :)

Sorry, no suggestions on marriage ceremony planning. All I had to do was show up. I didn't even have to bring the ring (the Best Man did that ;) ).

Best of luck to you in the ceremony and in the future!!!

G.

pAin't_Misbehavin'
Mar. 31, 2013, 06:50 PM
If you keep your birth name as your legal name, and just call yourself Mrs. Marriedname informally with friends, I don't see a problem. The other way around could cause problems, I'd think. If you're a notary, for example, or have to sign legally binding documents in your professional capacity.

These days, the airlines don't play about having your boarding pass match your photo id exactly. So if you travel for work, be sure those documents will match.

But it's your decision. My niece, who married a year ago, really wanted to change her name and did. Me, I married fifteen years ago and never even considered it. It's whatever you're most comfortable with. But don't go trying to find a compromise just to please other family members. Trust me, they'll get over themselves. :)

mcm7780
Mar. 31, 2013, 09:09 PM
Despite my having made it very, very clear that being called Mrs. HUSBANDS NAME Loshad makes me stabby, it still happens in the regular. :rolleyes: At least now some people send things to Mr and Dr HUSBANDS NAME Loshad. Sigh.

You can use variants, but Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName is technically correct if the woman uses the name socially. Things sent to you with your first name should be addressed to Ms. YourFirstName HisLastName if you use his last name. I was semi-chastised for sending something to a widow and addressing it to Mrs. HerFirstName HisLastName. I've never made that "mistake" again! (Although, it's not incorrect according to the Emily Post website: http://www.emilypost.com/forms-of-address/titles/96-guide-to-addressing-correspondence)

Lucassb
Mar. 31, 2013, 09:25 PM
I had established a long standing career before I married my DH, and elected to keep that last name as my middle name, using his surname as my last name after we were married.

Keeping the name everyone knew me by professionally (if only as a middle name) reduced confusion - I didn't go from being Ms. L to Mrs. C - and greatly simplified things like travel arrangements. At the time I got married, I did a considerable amount of business travel and having a single "official" name prevented hassles with people making arrangements incorrectly, etc. And you'd be amazed at how many business associates ended up becoming friends over time, so having a consistent last name was certainly less troublesome in that respect as well.

paw
Mar. 31, 2013, 10:02 PM
I had a business reputation and a fair amount of credit when I got married (the first time), so wasn't about to change my name. Initially thought I'd be ok with being addressed as Mrs. $hislastname in a social context (ala "Duchess of Windsor"), but after awhile that began to grate. Your mileage may vary... It did make it easier to know when someone addressing me hadn't met me, though.

It's also easier, as folks have pointed out, if you get divorced down the pike (not that you will!). I'm happily remarried, but still retain my original name.

I know of other folks who have both picked a new last name for themselves. It's easier than it used to be for men to change their names on marriage, at least in some states.

Do what makes _you_ feel best.

normandy_shores
Mar. 31, 2013, 10:10 PM
I will be doing the same thing, and keeping my maiden name professionally, but using my future husband's last name legally and socially. Granted, ours is for different reasons. He arrests 'em and then I babysit them in prison, so it's a good thing if "they" don't connect us! Plus I already go by my last name at work (and we use only last names) so it'd be a pain to change that...

Janet
Apr. 1, 2013, 12:00 AM
You can use variants, but Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName is technically correct if the woman uses the name socially.

I think this may be US specific, and that in the UK Mrs. HerFirstName SharedLastName is more correct.

But maybe it is just my own British family and not the whole country.

arbiter
Apr. 1, 2013, 01:38 AM
I rely on Emily Post (about 1930 edition). I kept my childhood surname, but reserve the right (granted by Emily) to be called "Mrs. Husband's-first-and-last-name" on things like wedding invitations. I tell students that they can call me e"Professor Arbiter", "Ms. Arbiter," or "Mrs. Husband's-first-and-last-name," but not "Mrs. Husband's last name." That's my late mother-in-law.

loshad
Apr. 1, 2013, 04:41 AM
You can use variants, but Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName is technically correct if the woman uses the name socially. Things sent to you with your first name should be addressed to Ms. YourFirstName HisLastName if you use his last name. I was semi-chastised for sending something to a widow and addressing it to Mrs. HerFirstName HisLastName. I've never made that "mistake" again! (Although, it's not incorrect according to the Emily Post website: http://www.emilypost.com/forms-of-address/titles/96-guide-to-addressing-correspondence)

I'm well aware of the etiquette, but that doesn't mean I don't hate it with the white hot fire of a thousand suns and find it incredibly archaic. I have a first name, thank you very much. Most of my friends don't address formal correspondence that way, and neither did I. Hate. It.

SaddleFitterVA
Apr. 1, 2013, 06:58 AM
Ah loshad, but don't you know we are still just chattel the moment we say I do.

just ask Emily Post.

mcm7780
Apr. 1, 2013, 12:45 PM
I think this may be US specific, and that in the UK Mrs. HerFirstName SharedLastName is more correct.

But maybe it is just my own British family and not the whole country.

Excellent point! I had not even thought about the fact that it could be specific to the US.


I'm well aware of the etiquette, but that doesn't mean I don't hate it with the white hot fire of a thousand suns and find it incredibly archaic. I have a first name, thank you very much. Most of my friends don't address formal correspondence that way, and neither did I. Hate. It.

Janet brought up a good point, could some of the formal rules be a regional/national thing? Is there a golden standard source of specific etiquette rules in Australia similar to Emily Post? I've always seen formal correspondence addressed that way so maybe it is just the way we do it in the US. I'm kind of a geek and am interested in these things...:o

I don't particularly like that some people are already beginning to jokingly call me Dr. HisLastName. Ummm...we aren't even married yet and that won't be my name! :eek:

vxf111
Apr. 1, 2013, 01:38 PM
I'm well aware of the etiquette, but that doesn't mean I don't hate it with the white hot fire of a thousand suns and find it incredibly archaic. I have a first name, thank you very much. Most of my friends don't address formal correspondence that way, and neither did I. Hate. It.

I hate it too, and find it VERY old-fashioned (it's the way everything is done for Devon elections etc.) but that IS technically considered good formal etiquitte. "Stabby" is exactly the adjective I'd use to describe my appreciation of this formality.

nhwr
Apr. 1, 2013, 01:44 PM
I kept my maiden name for everything after I was married. The idea of name changing reminds me of change of title in a real estate transaction, bleh. However, when my kids started school, I used their last names around school to minimize confusion.

ponymom64
Apr. 1, 2013, 02:02 PM
I have always been Ms Maidenname for work and Mrs Marriedname socially, my kids are Ms, Miss and Mstr Marriedname. I try to use Mrs Marriedname when dealing with anything having to do with my kids. It's worked fine for us, though occasionally at a business function Mr Marriedname will be introduced as Mr Maidenname, but he is OK with it ;)

tidy rabbit
Apr. 1, 2013, 03:43 PM
I legally changed my name so that my maiden name became my middle name and my last name is my husband's last name. A long standing tradition in my family I believe. :)

supershorty628
Apr. 1, 2013, 10:48 PM
Just in case OT day ends soon, thank you so much to everyone who posted (or e-mailed me :) ) to give your input! I have a lot to think about - in a good way - and I really appreciate you all taking the time to tell me what worked for you!

Dubarry
Apr. 2, 2013, 08:38 AM
Just in case OT day ends soon, thank you so much to everyone who posted (or e-mailed me :) ) to give your input! I have a lot to think about - in a good way - and I really appreciate you all taking the time to tell me what worked for you!

There will be a long period where people will still know you as your maiden name. I feel like this is very common in the horse world. It's also quite a process to change your name when you get married. Example - You change your name on your bank account but don't forget your checks & debit card! I still call the vet's office and say "hi, this is Dubarry maiden name".

(This is said by someone who got married 6 months ago.)

Good luck with whatever you decide and congrats :)

pcwertb
Apr. 2, 2013, 10:15 AM
I was 32 when I got married and had already published so I still go by maiden name professionally. I did legally add his name to mine and moved my maiden name to the middle, so my kids and I have the same last name and I use that is social settings. Never been a problem for me.

Mozart
Apr. 2, 2013, 01:13 PM
I did not change my name when I got married. I did not want to and husband did not care one way or another. Both of our children have his last name.

I have friends and colleagues who have not changed their names but to keep things simpler for school purposes, fill out school forms with their husbands last name. I have not done that, I just use my last name. I would not say it has caused any confusion or issues. It is a brave new world, full of blended and re-arranged families, it is not even uncommon for kids in the same family to have different last names or different hyphenated combinations. Nobody really blinks at that sort of thing anymore.

I occasionally get called "Mrs DH Last name" by kids or parents of my kids's friends. I don't really care, eventually they find out my last name is different and nobody really cares.

Do whatever you feel like. Also, keep in mind, nothing is final. You can change your name and gradually start using your new name in some or all situations or you can leave it like it is and change it down the road if you like.