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LexInVA
Feb. 23, 2013, 08:13 PM
One thing I've noticed over the past decade or so is a decline in romance in relationships. A lot of what I've seen - both personally and with others - seems to be "relationships by the numbers" and not so much in the way of romance or that warm fuzzy love that we all read about and see in the movies. Even looking at online dating profiles, I don't see anything about romance or much beyond clinical, calculated shopping lists for relationship partners. So, is romance or being "swept off your feet" or any of that other stuff, no longer fashionable or is it dead as a sign of the times we live in?

dressurpferd01
Feb. 23, 2013, 08:18 PM
Never mind...

KTRider
Feb. 23, 2013, 08:32 PM
Well, I have to ask - what do you think romance is? What is romantic to you?

As an "older" person who occasionally tries to date...there is something missing, yes. One of the things I hate is the concept of rules for dating - like, a guy shouldn't call a girl the next day. He has to wait two days. Or, that a woman shouldn't be too available; if a guy calls on Friday and asks you to go out Saturday, you should have plans or you might seem lonely or desperate. Argh.

What if I get butterflies in my stomach when we accidentally touch hands? What if the guy, at the end of the date, thinks that he can't wait to see her again? Why is that wrong? I think that excitement, that anticipation, is hugely romantic. I want to be swept off my feet, really.

Of course, as it is Saturday night, I'm in sweat pants and posting on COTH...it hasn't happened recently! :D

SendenHorse
Feb. 23, 2013, 08:39 PM
In general, I agree. I personally have a "good guy" but I think he is the exception.

soloudinhere
Feb. 23, 2013, 08:39 PM
I'm about to get married.

What is romance, again?

Sannois
Feb. 23, 2013, 08:39 PM
I will take the good old days when men courted women, a women acted like ladies! Yeah, Old fashioned romance is hard to find, Who cares if it is "Cool" or not, Lucky if you find it!

ridethehide
Feb. 23, 2013, 08:43 PM
Definitely not dead. SO and I are both early twenties and been together going on three years, still lots of romance and warm fuzzy love going on around here!

yellowbritches
Feb. 23, 2013, 08:44 PM
I guess I kinda wonder what "romance" means to you?

Lord knows I'm not a romantic. I am far more into laughter and companionship and that sort of thing than being wooed, swept off my feet, and swooning. Flowers and candles and sweetness are all well and good, but I get a much bigger kick out of a much different sort of dynamic.

Of course, since I don't seek out partners or do much dating, I'm hardly one to talk. But I also don't do relationships "by the numbers" or clinically. When it's right, it's right, and you don't need flowers to prove it.

terasa
Feb. 23, 2013, 08:51 PM
I think I'm guilty of not being the traditional romantic type - I get a little uncomfortable with anything trying too hard to be romantic or getting too emotional. I'm the girl thats like "you spent HOW much on flowers/jewellery whatever - I know you love me, you don't need to buy me stuff - unless it something for my horse ;)" SO says I have a 'cheese' sensitivity :lol: That being said, we have date nights all the time and just generally do a lot of fun activities together. Thats my sort of romance.

LexInVA
Feb. 23, 2013, 08:51 PM
Well, I think laughter and companionship is a big part of romance in that it's the catalyst for the mushy stuff that you aren't into but I honestly don't even see that in a lot of young adult relationships. I just don't see it much these days and there seems to be less interest in "getting to know someone" and more interest in getting to the altar or "couple status" as quickly as possible by going through the motions. I know that for many, getting into a relationship or becoming engaged or married is like a video game achievement that they want to get in short order and a lot of 20-somethings make a big deal about it, so maybe that has something to do with it.

cutter99
Feb. 23, 2013, 08:51 PM
I don't know about you, but I'm 45 years old and do not expect romance. To me, the most romantic thing my husband can do for me is show me that he loves me through his actions on a daily basis.

I do not require flowers or gifts- heck this year I even said no Valentine's Day cards. We don't do Christmas gifts as we buy what we want or need when we want or need it. We go out for a "romantic" dinner when the mood strikes, but some of our most "romantic" times are spent in our pig barn farrowing litters of pigs. They are my husband's passion and it makes me extremely happy to see him so enthralled! He bought me a new vacuum the other week and I was ecstatic because clean carpets turn me on!

We both require that our bills are paid on time and that we carry a minimum amount of debt. I require that he is faithful to me and honest with me and he expects the same from me. I require that he be my partner and that we work together on our relationship. Decisions are made together and through discussion and debate. We still haven't taken a honeymoon because there is no one to watch the farm, but we try to make every day special because we know we are lucky. Laughing with my husband is one of the biggest joys in my life, much better than "romance". We try to laugh as much as possible!

We have been together for 7 years and married for two and have worked through real life problems that come from living- divorce, children of divorce, bankruptcy, addiction. We make each other a priority and both know from previous marriages that this has to happen in order for our marriage to work. We fight occasionally and I can certainly give as good as I get, but our relationship has taught me that I can't hold grudges and once the fight is over I have to let it go.

My husband is the first man that I have been 100% myself with from the word go and this is the relationship that has worked the most for me ever. That to me is true romance!

"Romance" wears off when the shine does! I want true love that sticks by me through thick and thin! If I want romance, there is always "Days of Our Lives"!

yellowbritches
Feb. 23, 2013, 08:57 PM
But, Lex, mushy stuff (and, seriously, can you clarify?) doesn't have anything to do with relationship building. Communication is what builds relationships. THAT I can see being missing. Most people suck at communicating in ALL their relationships, not just their "romantic" ones.

But, really, what do you consider romance? I am legitimately curious. I know what makes me wobbly inside, but I don't consider it "romantic" in the classic, chic flick sense. But maybe I'm wrong.

eponacowgirl
Feb. 23, 2013, 09:05 PM
I didn't really read everything thoroughly because my brain is mush, but after I broke up with last boyfriend for being entirely UN-romantic, my roommate directed me to the five love languages, because I felt like a ninny for wanting some kind of "romance." After I read up a little, I felt better because he truly didn't offer any of the categories.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

On the other hand, romance "only" doesn't do much for me either. Sure, come try to sweep me off my feet, but if you don't have a job and you live in your parents basement, I'm just not gonna be that into you.

So, I think it's a balancing act.

yellowbritches
Feb. 23, 2013, 09:14 PM
Also, how exactly are you supposed to be romantic in an online dating profile? Romance is about chemistry and attraction and wooing. And, I think, it is pretty personal. What may woo eponacowgirl may send me running for the hills. The wooing and romance has to come AFTER you realize you are attracted. Online dating, at least in the profiles and early stages is NOT the place for romance.

DieBlaueReiterin
Feb. 23, 2013, 09:15 PM
i feel like there's still a lot of "romance" around me. both my brothers proposed in very romantic ways, and my SO is pretty romantic in general... and he will occasionally drop hints about how excited he is planning his proposal. :P my best friend's husband just redid their spidery basement and made it into a workout room for valentine's day...we thought that was really romantic! i dunno, i think everyone's definition and expectations for romance are probably different.

summerhorse
Feb. 23, 2013, 09:20 PM
I think romantic people are romantic and unromantic people aren't. The problem is when you get one of each!!

What I find bizarre is how often I watch people fight and attack and be nasty to each other while planning weddings or babies together! I'm like um, WHY? I mean even if the sex is great you don't need to be married for that!!

KTRider
Feb. 23, 2013, 09:28 PM
I watched a video seminar about the five love languages; it is really good stuff. I think it's really smart to learn about yourself and better identify what you need from a partner.

For me romance isn't about mushy, it's a lot about thoughtfulness, maybe? Not sure that's the right word - learning how to make a lemon drop because it's my favorite cocktail; watching Anchorman again even if you don't really get it; getting up early to feed the dog so I can sleep in on occasion. Listening when I talk. The occasional mushy stuff is good too, of course.

jess h
Feb. 23, 2013, 09:30 PM
Well, I'm a romance writer, and when Arizona and I got together (met on Match), his friends and family snickered at the idea of him with a romantic. Yes, we had our wedding registry at Cabelas (my friends called it the serial killer shopping list and argued over who got to buy the axe, rope and tarp). But so much of what he does on a daily basis is romantic, from always getting the car door to holding my hand and sitting next to me at restaurants. So I guess it's a matter of perspective.

yellowbritches
Feb. 23, 2013, 09:30 PM
I watched a video seminar about the five love languages; it is really good stuff. I think it's really smart to learn about yourself and better identify what you need from a partner.

For me romance isn't about mushy, it's a lot about thoughtfulness, maybe? Not sure that's the right word - learning how to make a lemon drop because it's my favorite cocktail; watching Anchorman again even if you don't really get it; getting up early to feed the dog so I can sleep in on occasion. Listening when I talk. The occasional mushy stuff is good too, of course.
See, now that kind of stuff I just think is being a good, caring person. I wouldn't call it romance! :D

KTRider
Feb. 23, 2013, 09:36 PM
I'm just easy to please, I guess! (not really)

Now ask me to list all the things that I think are gross and/or romance killers...that's a much longer list!

ako
Feb. 23, 2013, 09:39 PM
Romance? What's that?

TheHunterKid90
Feb. 23, 2013, 10:57 PM
I think everyone has their own definition of romance and how they would like their SO to show their love.
Count me in for another person who read The Five Languages of Love and loved it. My love language is quality time, my husbands is physical touch and words of affirmation.
We get a lot of joy out of doing things that others wouldn't find "romantic."
Some of our favorite times have been building a shed that we turned into a two stall barn of sorts. Target practice at our range. And taking our dogs for walks.

We're not into expensive dinners or flowers and chocolates and cards. The gifts he has bought me and I him have been totally "us."
He bought me a new hunting rifle for a wedding present and a goat for "valentines day" and I bought him a camo couch and recliner. Silly I know but that's just us.

purplnurpl
Feb. 23, 2013, 11:46 PM
I'm super mushy. Which is funny because I'm so hard within normal life (non relationship) circumstances.

For instance, some things I have done on dates that have caused my [guy] to do a double take.
I like him to open my door--once that is done he'll get a kiss. Then I sit down and reach across and grab the handle to the driver's door, open it and push it open just at the right time so that the door is open for him when he gets to it.
They way guys react to that makes me think that it sure isn't something that girls do often.
When we go out to eat I like to sit on the same side...and not across.

I like to leave little tiny wallet sized love notes. Boy that one scares them away...FAST! So I haven't had a bf long enough to get to that point in a while.
orrrr...I like to invest in dime size fake bugs and put them in his shoes when I go over to his place.
that's how my man knows I love him. He puts his foot in his shoe and finds a plastic spider. snork snicker.

I'm big on sneaking up behind [him] for a walk-by smooch on the back of the neck. I'm super hands on..another thing that takes people by surprise...because my normal bizz personality just isn't--uhh--warm and fuzzy.

I think what has happened is that we just don't have time for those "little romantic gestures" anymore. : ( Sad but True.

Shoot--I can't even get a date these days.

CVPeg
Feb. 24, 2013, 07:49 AM
I agree. Have found dating lately to be more of a "I'd like to go here, and do this. And I'd like you to fit very nicely into that chair right next to me while I do my usual routine." I am older, but...

My son, who is 24 and just graduated last year - just broke up with his college senior girlfriend. She's 22 and was upset that he wasn't yet "committed for life". Very sad that she feels that way - she's a lovely girl. And she's going to grad school, and doesn't want to get married right away. But gakkkkk - neither of them is anywhere near mature enough to make that commitment. My son has expressed that to me very well. Am proud of him that he knows not to fold just because she's demanded it of him, even though he'll really miss her.

Oh, and girlfriends' friend just nailed her fiance by breaking up with him unless they got engaged. So the romance? Nope, seems like a lot of manipulation going on...

LexInVA
Feb. 24, 2013, 07:53 AM
I agree. Have found dating lately to be more of a "I'd like to go here, and do this. And I'd like you to fit very nicely into that chair right next to me while I do my usual routine." I am older, but...

My son, who is 24 and just graduated last year - just broke up with his college senior girlfriend. She's 22 and was upset that he wasn't yet "committed for life". Very sad that she feels that way - she's a lovely girl. And she's going to grad school, and doesn't want to get married right away. But gakkkkk -

Ah yes, that's along the lines of what I'm talking about. :yes:

CVPeg
Feb. 24, 2013, 07:57 AM
Oops - sorry, Lex - I edited...

But still saying the same. No spontaneity. Just looking for others to fit where you're supposed to go. Rather than see where your own relationship takes you.:no:

magnolia73
Feb. 24, 2013, 08:01 AM
It's also become a hook up culture. My SO has a single friend and basically 20 something women throw themselves at him, sexually. He wants a woman closer to his age (mid 30's). He is getting laughed at because he has been on 4 dates with a girl and no sex yet. He gets laughed at for walking away from girls that want to have sex.

His ex.... was with him for 5 years and wanted a ring, and he was not quite reasy, she dumped him and moved on. To her, he was exactly "I'd like to go here, and do this. And I'd like you to fit very nicely into that chair right next to me while I do my usual routine." He supported her through law school.

I feel bad for him- he is a good guy, wants to do the right thing....

LexInVA
Feb. 24, 2013, 08:35 AM
Yeah, the hook-up thing has always bothered me and it's a big part of social life in the DC area because of the careerists and free-spirited folks who just want to have fun. That's one of the reasons why the STD infection rate in and just outside DC is outrageously high and I don't date women who live in DC because of that.

Pony Fixer
Feb. 24, 2013, 09:40 AM
Well, then there's the other side of the coin---when you get "older" like me, and dates are months (or, ahem, years) apart. One of my friends called me yesterday to see how my date went. I told her it went into the wee hours of the morning. She asked if I slept with him, and I told her no--her response "Why the Hell not? Who knows when you'll get another opportunity?"

She has a point ;)

KTRider
Feb. 24, 2013, 10:09 AM
Well, then there's the other side of the coin---when you get "older" like me, and dates are months (or, ahem, years) apart. One of my friends called me yesterday to see how my date went. I told her it went into the wee hours of the morning. She asked if I slept with him, and I told her no--her response "Why the Hell not? Who knows when you'll get another opportunity?"

She has a point ;)

That's true, I'm in the same boat. I'm not really into the casual hook-up thing, but if you do meet a fun guy and are attracted, it's sometimes worth it. Because I am 39 and it can be a loooong time between dates and even longer between good ones. I don't think that's a terrible thing. :)

Pony Fixer
Feb. 24, 2013, 10:42 AM
Hell, at my age there is no judgement about sex. I have a long, storied history--some of that is not-so-proud moments, some are I-can't-beleive-I-did-that (in the good AND the bad sense), etc. Sex in general is so dirty and taboo in the US. It is very different in Europe, particularly Germany and the Netherlands (personal experience with family/friends). I realize we were colonized by Puritans, but our culture is still so sex-negative.

I don't say this to mean that I think every young 20-something should just sleep with anyone/everyone at any given opportunity. But there is still such a huge amount of slut-shaming in our culture, and I don't think it's healthy. No one should decide whether or not to sleep with someone based on what "someone else" would think. It is a personal decision that should be respected, even if it isn't what we would do.

yellowbritches
Feb. 24, 2013, 10:51 AM
Hell, at my age there is no judgement about sex. I have a long, storied history--some of that is not-so-proud moments, some are I-can't-beleive-I-did-that (in the good AND the bad sense), etc. Sex in general is so dirty and taboo in the US. It is very different in Europe, particularly Germany and the Netherlands (personal experience with family/friends). I realize we were colonized by Puritans, but our culture is still so sex-negative.

I don't say this to mean that I think every young 20-something should just sleep with anyone/everyone at any given opportunity. But there is still such a huge amount of slut-shaming in our culture, and I don't think it's healthy. No one should decide whether or not to sleep with someone based on what "someone else" would think. It is a personal decision that should be respected, even if it isn't what we would do.
Amen!

I am not shy. I have found that if it feels right, then do it. I've yet to regret my decisions. I'm hardly sleeping around, but I have certainly slept with guys on first dates and have had "friends with benefits". Obviously, playing safe is huge, but otherwise, chemistry is chemistry, and if everyone is game, then why the hell not?!

I think what I am figuring out in this thread is that because I am not someone who feels like marriage and/or partnership is a milestone that must be met, I may have a completely different view on relationships than what the OP is experiencing. He certainly seems to date far more than I choose to, so is "out there" seeing how people work. Which may also show why my idea of "romance" vs just being caring and considerate and loving are off a bit.

Beam Me Up
Feb. 24, 2013, 10:57 AM
That's one of the reasons why the STD infection rate in and just outside DC is outrageously high and I don't date women who live in DC because of that.

That must be the least romantic "so where are you from" conversation ever :-)

Pony Fixer
Feb. 24, 2013, 10:59 AM
Now I'm wishing I'd had that romp in the sack Friday night. He was certainly game! ;) :lol:

OTV
Feb. 24, 2013, 11:01 AM
I agree with other posters who say it's all about perspective. I dated a guy last summer who I thought was incredibly romantic but he didn't think he was romantic at all. He even warned me after we'd been dating that his ex-SO had continually complained how un-romantic he was. I think she'd gotten too used to him (they'd been dating since high school) and didn't realize what the 'average' guy is like.

Besides the laughter/companionship that went along with the relationship, he'd:
- always sit next to me, never across from me when we went out. Then we'd make fun of us for being "that" couple.
- got the car door for me always
- held the door open for me when we went somewhere. And i don't mean the half-assed "go through door first, then awkwardly hold door open behind with arm". He'd make sure he got to the door first, and then hold it open and follow me inside. I know some people would consider that common courtesy but it's definitely not common anymore...
- Wasn't afraid to show his affection - public or otherwise. I'm not talking huge makeout sessions on the street (well...maybe once when we couldn't keep our hands off each other!), but he'd hold my hand, have his arm around my waist, etc.
- would whisper in my ear that i was the most beautiful woman in the room.

So, I think that constitutes romantic...even though there was never of the "chocolates and flowers" romance to it. We were in a lounge waiting for our table and there was a couple sitting next to us. We couldn't help overhear it was their 6th date (same as us)...but in the 20 minutes we were sitting there, neither person smiled at the other, no laughter, just basic conversation - "you want a drink?" - and then back to their iphones. This couple was probably a only a few years younger than we were...I remember thinking, "that's exactly what I don't want."

So it's all perspective. My friend never thought my boyfriend was romantic, especially when he came to get me at the airport after I'd been gone for a month and he didn't have flowers. But I saw the way his eyes lit up when he saw me and heard what he whispered in my ear when he hugged me...that was more romantic to me than any bouquet of flowers could have been.

yellowbritches
Feb. 24, 2013, 11:17 AM
^ Man...other than the sitting next to each other thing (I don't like that. I rather sit across. I find it much easier to talk that way), that all just sounds like being a nice, caring guy!!! Apparently, I don't interact with guys that aren't nice, because EVERY guy I've gone out with at all seriously has done most if not all of those things. I must have good taste. :lol:

OTV
Feb. 24, 2013, 11:20 AM
You must have lucked out! I've dated a "few" guys and none had even come close to that one! Or they did for the first few weeks/months...and then stopped.

Pony Fixer
Feb. 24, 2013, 11:25 AM
Perspective is right, to get more on topic.

Flowers are great--but they die.
Candy makes me fat.
I don't really care if the car door is opened for me, etc.

But I do care about holding hands, meeting my eye across the room at a party, keeping my favorite *whatever* stocked at their house, etc. For me it's all about the small gestures that show me that they are thinking about me.

purplnurpl
Feb. 24, 2013, 11:50 AM
Perspective is right, to get more on topic.

Flowers are great--but they die.
Candy makes me fat.
I don't really care if the car door is opened for me, etc.

But I do care about holding hands, meeting my eye across the room at a party, keeping my favorite *whatever* stocked at their house, etc. For me it's all about the small gestures that show me that they are thinking about me.

right on.
I agree 100%.

I give guys flowers sometimes. It's about the gesture--not "flowers are girly" blah blah blah. I'll pick a dandelion or some pretty weed and give it...
One time I gave a guy a pretty rock.
If I throw a snow ball at you, you know you've got me wrapped around your little finger.

If it's not totally obvious--I'm one of those who prefers to laugh--A LOT

If I keep his preferred beer in stock--welp, be ready for wedding bells. lol.

LexInVA
Feb. 24, 2013, 12:12 PM
^ Man...other than the sitting next to each other thing (I don't like that. I rather sit across. I find it much easier to talk that way), that all just sounds like being a nice, caring guy!!! Apparently, I don't interact with guys that aren't nice, because EVERY guy I've gone out with at all seriously has done most if not all of those things. I must have good taste. :lol:

Maybe it's just your twin hellfire cannons that keep them in line?

LexInVA
Feb. 24, 2013, 12:13 PM
right on.
I agree 100%.

I give guys flowers sometimes. It's about the gesture--not "flowers are girly" blah blah blah. I'll pick a dandelion or some pretty weed and give it...
One time I gave a guy a pretty rock.
If I throw a snow ball at you, you know you've got me wrapped around your little finger.

If it's not totally obvious--I'm one of those who prefers to laugh--A LOT

If I keep his preferred beer in stock--welp, be ready for wedding bells. lol.

If you throw a pretty rock at me and then offer me a beer with a flower in it, is it a marriage proposal?

purplnurpl
Feb. 24, 2013, 12:58 PM
If you throw a pretty rock at me and then offer me a beer with a flower in it, is it a marriage proposal?

well,
I like to be on a first name basis before any proposals are thrown out there.

then, perhaps.

LexInVA
Feb. 24, 2013, 01:01 PM
Duly noted. :cool:

CVPeg
Feb. 24, 2013, 01:05 PM
Also, insofar as romance is concerned.

It's not the value of the items given to you, as it has been the recognition that you were heard.

I've been given gold necklaces that meant nothing to me - because they were "something on hand to give someone in the future".

But a sweater/jacket I saw in a catalog, that someone paid attention to when it was mentioned, well, even though we've parted ways - that was a nice gift. And I still wear them to the barn! ;)

LexInVA
Feb. 24, 2013, 01:08 PM
What about gift cards? Are those really bad? I know they aren't romantic but I know people are giving them more and more these days.

yellowbritches
Feb. 24, 2013, 01:22 PM
Maybe it's just your twin hellfire cannons that keep them in line?
I am surprisingly sweet and charming. I just don't suffer fools gladly. I also have a pretty excellent "fool-dar." Which probably explains why I don't get too involved with them.

Foxtrot's
Feb. 24, 2013, 03:38 PM
I know a couple who are 50 and they have found each other finally - what a pleasure it is to be around them - they are so in l.o.v.e. and every gesture ,look and smile is romantic. He is so considerate to her in every move and she is so responsive to show she values it. It is sooooo sweet to see a man who is unbelievably caring...he has his arm around her all thetime....That's romance, I think.

LexInVA
Feb. 24, 2013, 03:42 PM
Yeah, that's the ticket!

purplnurpl
Feb. 24, 2013, 04:12 PM
I think one of the MAJOR issues is that not only is romance dead to this new age dating game...
but for those of us who TRY to bring back romance all it does is scare the other half away.

If I left a weed and cute love note for my SO within the first few months of dating it would most likely make him think that I wanted to get married right away and he would exit as quickly as possible. oh my god she's a clingy one!

At least that is the way the younger crowd seems to shuffle. We can't be romantic even if we want too.

Goes hand in hand with annoying dating rituals. The whole --don't call the day after and don't be too available-- BS.

Hey, if I'm dating you I will most certainly throw some contact your way the next day (be it rock or txt or phone call) and I will most certainly make myself available to you. I hate those stupid games people play--they make me psycho and waste my time.

Dating faux pas. We are all doomed.

I don't think gift cards count as "romantic", Lex. Cute try though.

LexInVA
Feb. 24, 2013, 04:24 PM
Now you understand what I'm talking about, Nurp. I just don't see that romance/affection/little stuff these days except as a rare thing and women don't seem to want it or expect it like they did several years ago. I've actually seen profiles where a woman will say they don't like it at all. Given that, I usually see a lot of couples together, going through the motions of simply being together as if they were two individuals without any real emotional connection and when they talk to one another, it's as if they are just two people who know one another and not a couple. Like in those movies where a couple has been together for so long that they just treat one another as if they were roomies or something with less emotional attachment and affection that one would associate with a relationship and love. As for gift cards, I didn't say they were romantic, I just said that people are giving them all the time these days, and I wanted to get someone else's perspective about them. They seem to have become the norm for holidays, birthdays, special occasions, etc from what I have seen and read a few years ago in the papers/magazines.

Adamantane
Feb. 24, 2013, 06:07 PM
All these things are so context dependent.

Foxtrot's
Feb. 24, 2013, 06:19 PM
Perhaps it is not so much the romance, but the absence of romance killers
that women want. When the sun and the stars align, the rest happens?

Like when a man makes it obvious he only wants to hit the sack...how many men only put their arm round a woman when they want IT?

ALLIGORY
Feb. 24, 2013, 06:38 PM
My Mister is one of those who believes that Love is a verb. He does many thoughtful things to show me that he cares. We both agree that he is not a Hallmark card and really is deficient in his verbal skills.
On a side note- I was completely blown away ( might be a bad choice of words here ) when on a first date I was asked by two men what I thought about oral sex . I'm not shocked by that particular act but the question was completely inappropriate . I think I surprised them both when I looked at them eye to eye and said giving or getting ? It's a strange world out there and I think being intimate and if that includes romance is different today. I like to think of it as being thoughtful and respecting. I can't be into anyone without those qualities.

SnicklefritzG
Feb. 24, 2013, 06:54 PM
purple said: "Hey, if I'm dating you I will most certainly throw some contact your way the next day (be it rock or txt or phone call) and I will most certainly make myself available to you. I hate those stupid games people play--they make me psycho and waste my time."

here, here!

The best relationships I've had were ones where we just went with the flow and did what felt right. None of this "rules" stuff, about what to do and when. Just go with what your gut and heart tell you works for you and the other person.

I don't bother reading dating advice books. When I do, it just makes the whole process seem so tedious. My "rules" are pretty simple. If you like somebody you let them know in one way or another by flirting, asking them out, etc. If you have a good time, you call them back and go out again. If you go out a couple of times and the chemistry is good, you make it a regular thing. No farting around about "oh I can't call/email/whatever too soon or I'll look bad/needy/..."

Adamantane
Feb. 24, 2013, 07:09 PM
Honest communication when you are aligned is the ONLY thing that matters at that point. The rule books and guidelines are for those who haven't gotten to that point.

purplnurpl
Feb. 24, 2013, 07:41 PM
Honest communication when you are aligned is the ONLY thing that matters at that point. The rule books and guidelines are for those who haven't gotten to that point.

I'm laughing and pointing at you!!!!
You used Honest and Communication in the same sentence.
Shoot, I dream of one. Both together might make my heart skip a beat.

Don't get me started on that one. Honesty, and communication were actually part of the reason/s I'm currently unemployed.

It seems the only way to get around these days is to lie and/or fake it.

disclaimer: I'm a Jersey girl. I guess I'm screwed.

jess h
Feb. 24, 2013, 07:45 PM
For me, a gift card can be romantic if it's an IOU for something we'll do together down the line. Frex, this year a gift card for the Block Island Ferry at Christmas said "we're taking a fun trip together later in the year."

laskiblue
Feb. 24, 2013, 09:01 PM
My younger niece's best friend just got engaged to a nice young man who she's been with for a couple of years now. In the course of their celebration of her birthday, they went to one of her favorite places (a cute local tea and pastry shop), and when they served the tea, it was in a custom pot that had "Keep Calm and Marry Me" on the side of it, along with a lovely ring. She accepted and was thrilled, as were the employees of the tea shop who had been in on the secret. They're in their late 20s, each have a child from a prior relationship, and have been through tough relationship times before they met -- but they have been through true up and downs in their time together, have weathered all storms successfully, and are devoted to one another and the kids. I may be cynical about romance for myself, but -- no, romance is still very cool in relationships.

LexInVA
Feb. 24, 2013, 09:48 PM
I'm laughing and pointing at you!!!!
You used Honest and Communication in the same sentence.
Shoot, I dream of one. Both together might make my heart skip a beat.

Don't get me started on that one. Honesty, and communication were actually part of the reason/s I'm currently unemployed.

It seems the only way to get around these days is to lie and/or fake it.

disclaimer: I'm a Jersey girl. I guess I'm screwed.

I hear ya. Oh do I hear yee! Ever been on a date where the other person just talks about themselves and shows no interest at all in getting to know anything about you but wants to tell you tons of stuff that you probably shouldn't know and definitely won't care about? I sure have! Ever gone out on three great dates with someone only to find that they are in a sexual relationship with their roomie who is a deadbeat hipster loser that they have had deep feelings for for years and want to have a child with after they turn cold fish at the end of the third date? Been there, done that! She ended up having the guy's child and now pops up on dating sites every so often even though she's still in a relationship with the loser. Ever been on a date where someone brings up other people they are seeing on the dating website that they used to connect with you and then casually admits - as if it's no big thing - that they are having unprotected and dangerous sex with most of those people as if it was nothing big. Yeah, I got the shirt for that one! Ever had someone make serious overtures to you on a dating website only to find out through other means that they are not only in a relationship and have been for a long time but recently engaged to be married before you meet them? Crossed that one off my list twice and I saw one of them at the dog park a few weeks ago. Ever begin a relationship only to find out a few days later that the other person is actually involved with someone else and has quietly moved in with them and refers to them as their SO after declaring you as a partner? Got that done too! Ever had someone flirt tirelessly with you, end up going on a date where they tell you that they really like you and want to see where things go, and then have them complain to you two days later that someone else they really like and want to pursue is ignoring them and then they bluntly ask you to give them a ride to that person's night job as an entertainer and to wait around for a few hours at the bar so they can try to get with that person who obviously has no interest in them because they are interested in members of the same gender? Guess who has that on their resume?!

Adamantane
Feb. 24, 2013, 09:50 PM
Sorry that you've blocked PM's. I think we really need to compare notes.

LexInVA
Feb. 24, 2013, 09:56 PM
Ahh...just do it here. Things are leading to a drinking game anyway and we might as well share the joy.

AliCat
Feb. 24, 2013, 10:23 PM
Lex, are you feeling a bit lonely and frustrated lately? I can't help but notice your posts in the last few OT days :hugs:

LexInVA
Feb. 24, 2013, 10:28 PM
I'm not lonely - at least not in the sense that I feel bad or despair about being single as I've been that by choice for most of my adult life - and I'm more indifferent to dating than frustrated by it at this point. I don't expect to be disappointed but I don't expect not to be disappointed either. Dating just is what it is.

AliCat
Feb. 24, 2013, 10:34 PM
I don't claim to be a dating expert, but I found that once I threw out that list of requirements and expectations (obviously, there are some minimal things that are not negotiable) I have been much more satisfied in my dating life. Instead of walking around with a mental checklist, I now go more by feel which in turn has brought me more romance :)

LexInVA
Apr. 16, 2013, 02:49 PM
*shameless bump*

ClassyRide
Apr. 16, 2013, 03:08 PM
I only skimmed the first page and a half of posts so I'm sure I'm missing a lot that was already posted, but I would say Romance is not dead. I would, however, say that it's very much like that old Christmas movie where Santa's sleigh couldn't fly because hardly anyone believed in Santa anymore.... Yeah, kinda like that.

I'm a pretty darn big believer in the romance thing. And pretty much all of my friends have told me, in a very nice way, that I'm way too old-fashioned because I've never slept with a man I wasn't in a committed relationship with. Hey, what can I say? My parents gave me a lot of morals and I won't settle for just doing stuff for kicks.

In that same fashion, I also prefer to be woo-ed. I get all warm and fuzzy inside when a guy holds a door for me or helps me with my coat. And I won't be in a relationship just to be in one - I need to know this man is somebody I really care about and who really cares about me.

Am I too picky? Maybe. I'm 31 years old and never been married, but I am engaged to a fantastic man. So I guess I did something right along the way.

Natalie
Apr. 16, 2013, 03:19 PM
I definitely don't think it is, and I fall into the demographic range you seem to be talking about, at least in terms of age (20's, though I'm closer to 30 than the other end of that decade :lol:), location (D.C. metro), and "type" (professional). Granted, I also think the idea of hookups in general are kind of gross (no judgement on others--knock yourself out! It's just not my cup of tea). But no, I don't believe romance is dead and actually see it as a really vital part of any relationship--from the first few dates until the grand kids are coming over, basically. Once you become "roomies", as you put it, every day becomes an exercise in ignoring that dead feeling inside. Not a cool way to live.

That said yes, I do see what you're describing in some of my cohorts. They really are obsessed with ticking the "boxes" of getting the ring, marriage, baby, etc, rather than finding the person that really makes every day, no matter how mundane or exciting, magical and fun. Sucks to be them, is my take. Keep looking--you're just unfortunately stumbling across a lot of frogs, it seems!

Dubarry
Apr. 16, 2013, 03:57 PM
You mean fixing the gate (or manure spreader, tractor, etc) isn't romantic?

BansheeBreeze
Apr. 16, 2013, 04:05 PM
Maybe people are just realizing that romantic, warm fuzzy stuff fades away and shouldn't be the basis of a relationship to make it work. Sure it's nice when a guy buys you flowers or holds doors for you. It gives you that rush and you think he's a great guy and you're in love because of it. But maybe he's not a great guy or you're not a great match at all, and you look past all the important things just because that giddy feeling overrides all logical thought.

I also think it's because girls nowadays make themselves too available. There used to be a reason for a guy to have to do all that mushy stuff. Come on, we know the real reason they do it. They had to work to get what they wanted and prove themselves. But too many girls now just throw their legs open the first chance they get, so guys have no reason to work for it anymore. I grew up on notions of romance too and was quite shocked to get into the real dating world and find out how many guys EXPECTED to get laid on the first date.

Preposterous Ponies!
Apr. 16, 2013, 04:31 PM
You mean fixing the gate (or manure spreader, tractor, etc) isn't romantic?

Au contraire!!!!

For me, romance is not grand gestures. My boyfriend has never gotten me flowers, for example. He's not a knight in shining armour, and I sure as heck ain't no damsel in distress waiting to be swept off my feet.

Romance is the little stuff. Romance is him helping you bring in the horses in the rain. Romance is him always letting me go first through the door (it blew me away when I realized this happened every. single. time. even when his hands are full and mine aren't). Romance his him buying me my favourite kind of chips, so that I have them when I come over.

Romance is the stuff that still gives you wam fuzzy feelings, even after you've been together for years.

LexInVA
Apr. 16, 2013, 04:33 PM
Yeah, that's what I don't really see much of these days.

Natalie
Apr. 16, 2013, 04:36 PM
Au contraire!!!!

For me, romance is not grand gestures. My boyfriend has never gotten me flowers, for example. He's not a knight in shining armour, and I sure as heck ain't no damsel in distress waiting to be swept off my feet.

Romance is the little stuff. Romance is him helping you bring in the horses in the rain. Romance is him always letting me go first through the door (it blew me away when I realized this happened every. single. time. even when his hands are full and mine aren't). Romance his him buying me my favourite kind of chips, so that I have them when I come over.

Romance is the stuff that still gives you wam fuzzy feelings, even after you've been together for years.

Agreed! I would expand and say it's the big and little gestures--flowers are nice sometimes for sure. But yes, remembering to pick up your favorite cereal at the store, sending an email in the middle of the day just to let someone know you're thinking about them, offering to take the dog out when it's raining--these things are romantic too. At the end of the day it's about showing thought and care for more than just your partner's basic needs--it's what binds you together more tightly than just a friendship does.

suzier444
Apr. 16, 2013, 04:55 PM
I think it depends on how you define romance, but I think as men and women have started, however slowly, to have less-defined gender roles in work and in friendship and in romance, some of the "traditional" habits and who-opens-what-for-who things aren't as straightforward. I also think part of it is that many people wait until they are older to get into serious relationships, and so are less likely to engage in puppy-love-type romance. I also think some of this is, to a degree, regional. I dated a Texas country boy for a long time, and he was very old-school about chivalrous-type romantic actions. Which worked for me: I'm not a romantic, but I'm kind of a traditionalist about who opens doors and that sort of thing.

Heinz 57
Apr. 16, 2013, 04:56 PM
Yeah, that's what I don't really see much of these days.

I have a male FRIEND that won't let me open my own doors. We had lunch when he was in town over the winter and I recall him actually holding the [interior] door SHUT until I would let go of it and allow him to open it for me. He also refused to let me pay for my own lunch - the most he would let me do was pay the tip, and I'm married.

IMO, it's all in the raising. Romance isn't dead, nor is it "uncool", but I think it is undervalued by today's women.

Gloria
Apr. 16, 2013, 06:35 PM
Yike Lex. It sounds like you took some beatings online. No advice here. Only hope that things will look up for you. Oh, and I believe girls/women still want romances, and many still appreciate it. They just don't want guys to think that they "only" want romance - or maybe they think guys don't want a romantic girl.

netg
Apr. 16, 2013, 07:21 PM
I can see a lot of the points of why in many cases there isn't so much romance around anymore.

I've found in my relationships things are very romantic, at least how I see it. I don't know if a guy has ever purchased me flowers - I don't remember it if so. But they've done more meaningful things which to me were super romantic because of the thoughtfulness involved. Heck, some specifically didn't get me flowers because they knew of my allergies and would buy me a book instead. :lol: Truth is, I preferred that, and it was a sign of them knowing me.

It could be connected to the fact guys tend to be extremely chivalrous toward me even if they're not toward other females, and I haven't figured out exactly why that is. I am 5'1", yet I ride a large horse who can BUCK, I throw around bales of hay, I rarely wear makeup, I'm totally socially inept and a failure at flirting, swear like a sailor... but without my asking for or trying to insist on it, I get total romance. Maybe just because I appreciate someone being kind and trying to do nice things for me?

I'm sorry for anyone who has had to deal with the jerks, and I have definitely been lucky to date just about all sweethearts who just weren't necessarily the right match for me - but there are definitely folks of both genders who are really good people and will appreciate the little kindnesses.


That said, I can't online date. It turns it into an impersonal checklist for me, and just bothers me a lot! I can handle a whole lot more flaws in someone I meet in person and appreciate more of their good attributes as well, where when trying to read words on a computer I tend to eliminate men simply from the lack of personal connection.

Wellspotted
Apr. 17, 2013, 12:15 AM
I don't think the trend is just in "today's" relationships. I started noticing the calculating thing some 30 years ago. When couples started discussing things like "taking the relationship to the next level" or "where do we want this relationship to go?" I thought it was weird--and sad--then and I'm certainly sad to think some relationships are that way now (must be, since this thread is here).

I don't know why two people can't just be best friends and then if romance breaks out, go with it. Why make it so complicated and businesslike?

Good grief.

Nope, take that back. Grief isn't good.

Weird.

AbbieS
Apr. 17, 2013, 12:44 AM
Oh I hope it's not dead! I have high hopes that I can finally start a dating life in college! Of course, I'm a firm believer in friends first, dating second and marriage before the *ahem* bedroom. My school is so small, the only girls who date inside the school really are the ones that find their identity almost in being in a relationship, regardless if it makes sense.

I've follow a blog of these twin boys who in one series, gave their opinion on the situation of dating today. Being "gentlemen" and such. Seeing it from a guy's perspective was interesting, because their minds are foreign, dangerous lands where no lady dare venture to :lol:
Basically they said the biggest problem is women who want the gentleman/romantic guy but don't allow a guy to be one because they (the women) are afraid of being percieved as being weak. By denying the man's offer of help, or assistance or favor, we are discouraging them because their efforts aren't proving helpful and eventually they give up. They said that men aren't asking to help us because they think we are weak, but because it is polite and gentlemenly(/manly?). The twins basically said if women want gentlemen, they must cultivate gentlemanly behavior.

Just an interesting perspective I thought I'd share, I have absolutely no experience dating or otherwise fraternizing.

Anne FS
Apr. 17, 2013, 09:44 AM
I'd agree that romance is pretty dead for a lot of relationships.

Because romance is courting, it's what we did as we got to know one another and made efforts to win their affection via actions that weren't sex. Now sex happens so early in the relationship that romance isn't needed. What were you doing it (romance) for? To please someone, to make them happy, to grow closer to them. Now people meet at a bar and take guys/girls home right off the bat. We sleep with people long before we really know them.

jumpingmaya
Apr. 17, 2013, 09:54 AM
This thread is almost refreshing... to see that some still have standards and that romance is still appreciated by most!
** On the standards thing- not one to judge, to each their own! I just happened to have been raise a certain way and it works for me :)

I do think romance has however suffered in today's day and age due to everyone being SO busy and involved in their own "lives".
There is very much of a "MY" life and "MY" dreams vs OUR lives and dreams trend going (at least within the sphere of people I am surrounded by- late 20's early 30's)

Agree 300% that traditions, manners and the way one was raised has a lot to do with it as well!!

MunchingonHay
Apr. 17, 2013, 10:12 AM
I would have to agree with what AbbieS stated above.

I am sure that in today's society where women are throwing words out like; feminism, "I can do it myself", yet treat me like a lady, don't open my door, I can so that too. Its difficult for any man to 'size' her up. Sure the above examples are more chivalrous than romantic, but I think its a combination of the two. If opening up my door makes him feel good, believe me, I am going to beam him a smile that will make him think he is the only man on Earth. Then that in turn will open up opportunities for romance to come into the relationship.


I do feel that online dating has ruined the fine art of dating and romance. The getting to know someone, establishing a solid foundation before committing to each other (not marriage, but just a committed monogamous relationship) and going with the flow.

Romance is something different for everyone. For example I think flowers have been being used....I don't find receiving flowers as romantic, I find it easy and there is no thought involved. Romance to me, is when someone takes the time to learn about the other person and applies gestures of kindness and thoughtfulness.

We are also in a society that is incredibly selfish and self absorbed which makes it harder for romance to blossom since you would actually have to care about the other person.

yellowbritches
Apr. 17, 2013, 10:13 AM
I'd agree that romance is pretty dead for a lot of relationships.

Because romance is courting, it's what we did as we got to know one another and made efforts to win their affection via actions that weren't sex. Now sex happens so early in the relationship that romance isn't needed. What were you doing it (romance) for? To please someone, to make them happy, to grow closer to them. Now people meet at a bar and take guys/girls home right off the bat. We sleep with people long before we really know them.
I think this mentality is a little off. The act of sex is a physical need. The act of romance is an emotional need/desire/whathaveyou. You do not NEED romance to have sex (as the random hook ups show) nor do you need sex to have romance.

Romance takes time and effort, whether there is also sex involved in the relationship or not. A lot of people may not be ready or in a place in life you put that emotional effort in, for whatever reason, but may still want and/or need sex. Thus, hook ups (hopefully done safely!) and "friends with benefits" type relationships. I think, as long as everything is done safely and between two consenting adults and everyone is on the same page, there is nothing inherently wrong with just having sex and leaving the wooing to someone you REALLY want to be with.

The romancing part comes when the person you want to romance is the person you want to be with outside of the bedroom. The one, as someone mentioned, who'll help bring the horses in in the rain or buy your favorite snack. Romance is for that type of relationship. Sex CAN be just sex....romance is what makes a relationship deeper, committed, loving, and heartfelt. (Keep in mind, I am the biggest freaking cynic and NOT big on dating...this is my take more on a observational stance than anything).

If there is romance missing from "committed" relationships like Lex mentions (and I am sure there is), it is a matter of ticking the boxes and not taking the time to fully develop your own self and learn WHO you are. The people who tick off the college, career, marriage, baby boxes are often the ones who don't know that there ARE other avenues in life and that there are more than one ways to live life and be happy. The most romantic relationships are often the ones that are between two people who have taken the time to know themselves first. Again, observations of a cynic. :winkgrin:

alterhorse
Apr. 17, 2013, 11:05 AM
I rather look at behavior as an aspect of evolutionary function.

If one compares statistical reproductive levels for educated women vs. uneducated women, rates of reproduction rise as education falls.

I feel compelled to put the idea of romance into some category of biological function. The first purpose that comes to my mind, is courtship.

That leads me to think of the vast variety of courtship behaviors that exist in the animal kingdom. If I think about mammals and birds, the courtship behaviors can be so extremely different among different species. Yet one thing that seems similar among most species, is that the males preform some type of specific ritual type behavior to attract females.

In some literature I've read about the songs of certain birds. It seems that baby birds will "imprint" on the songs sung by their parents. Thus in birds, a critical part of courtship behaviors are learnt.

This can then easily explain the reason why so many different bird songs exist, because if songs are learnt, then any variations in the songs will also be learnt.

Could we hypothesize that birds of similar species may have diverged into different groups because of the changes in their songs over vast amounts of time? I wonder if song learning itself, may actually be responsible for the creation of different bird species?

If this hypothesis is true, then it could mean that courtship is equivalent to "Being like my parents".

Apply the above to people, and the hypothesis would suggest that what people consider as courtship, would be seeking behaviors in potential mates that remind them of their parents, or whatever or whoever was around in the "imprinting" stage of their childhood.

This then brings me to question exactly what specific behaviors (if there are any), are "commonalities" of courtship behaviors among all the different human cultures?

Anyone care to speculate on what that might be?

LexInVA
Apr. 17, 2013, 11:24 AM
Stay at a Holiday Inn last night did we?

alterhorse
Apr. 17, 2013, 11:27 AM
Nope. :D

Anne FS
Apr. 17, 2013, 11:35 AM
People don't *need* to have sex as much as tv & movies make you think you do. If it's the physical need of orgasm, you can do that by yourself.

Since the majority of relationships are hook-ups or friends with benefits, a lot of people have most (if not all) of their relationship experience in that and so haven't learned how to do romance. Practice makes perfect.

Plus, I've noticed a lot of younger people are awkward and self-conscious about needing/wanting romance.

yellowbritches
Apr. 17, 2013, 11:51 AM
People don't *need* to have sex as much as tv & movies make you think you do. If it's the physical need of orgasm, you can do that by yourself.
My body would care to disagree with you. There is more to sex than orgasm. People are all different. My needs and those of my friends who have high sex drives may be different than yours or others. Some people need more or less sleep than I do, too. :winkgrin:

Also, there is nothing wrong with being a sexual person.

Romance is certainly a learned thing. Which, again, is why I think we see a lot of hook ups. It takes A LOT of effort, and a lot of people, especially young people, don't feel they have the time to put that effort into it. But they still want/need the physical. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

alterhorse
Apr. 17, 2013, 12:21 PM
People don't *need* to have sex as much as tv & movies make you think you do. If it's the physical need of orgasm, you can do that by yourself.

Since the majority of relationships are hook-ups or friends with benefits, a lot of people have most (if not all) of their relationship experience in that and so haven't learned how to do romance. Practice makes perfect.

Plus, I've noticed a lot of younger people are awkward and self-conscious about needing/wanting romance.

Wouldn't it stand to reason, that if the societal purpose of romance was for mate selection and eventual reproduction.Then if romance becomes unnecessary for reproduction, romance must also become unnecessary for society?

What is the purpose of romance, and if it becomes unnecessary, how does that effect social structure?

I think Bonobo chimp social structure seems similar to what ours seems to be evolving towards. If I understand Bonobo chimp social structure correctly, their's is a matriarchal society.

Could human society may be on the evolutionary path towards becoming matriarchal?

MunchingonHay
Apr. 17, 2013, 12:24 PM
People don't *need* to have sex as much as tv & movies make you think you do. If it's the physical need of orgasm, you can do that by yourself.




I will disagree with you on that. I can kayak all I want, but it never replaces the act of sex with someone. And it is much more than just achieving an orgasm. May be its because I am in my late 30's (oh dear, did I just write that), but I would prefer to have a canoeing partner than be an alone kayak-er any day.

but we are getting off track with the OP.

MunchingonHay
Apr. 17, 2013, 12:28 PM
Bonobos also have sex with all of the members of the group without the need to reproduce. They engage to say I am sorry for picking a fight with you, they engage to say thank you for the fruit that you just gave me, they engage to say I like the way you groom me and pick off my bugs. They engage to reduce stress with other members of the group. They do not have to be in heat to engage in sex, therefore I believe they are doing for the social and pleasurable act of "getting it on".




Wouldn't it stand to reason, that if the societal purpose of romance was for mate selection and eventual reproduction.Then if romance becomes unnecessary for reproduction, romance must also become unnecessary for society?

What is the purpose of romance, and if it becomes unnecessary, how does that effect social structure?

I think Bonobo chimp social structure seems similar to what ours seems to be evolving towards. If I understand Bonobo chimp social structure correctly, their's is a matriarchal society.

Could human society may be on the evolutionary path towards becoming matriarchal?

theblondejumper
Apr. 17, 2013, 12:40 PM
In my opinion, romance is felt moreso when it goes both ways. For example, my boyfriend does cute things for me--like leaving me sweet notes if he leaves the house before I get up. In turn, I get him a cookie at his favorite coffeeshop as a cute treat.

We were friends for three solid months before we started dating. We really got to know each other well before the physical ever entered our friendship. And then once we got together we got to know each other on a totally new level. Same when we moved across country in a van together to a completely new city.

Lex, I think that romance will always be appreciated by any woman you show it to or at least I think it should be. However I know a lot of couples who have a relationship that is very stale because either has become too conditional. Romance, in my opinion, should not be withheld due to financial status, distance, or laziness. Put the effort into to your relationship and you will find that issues are more easily resolved when things get tough. At least that has been my experience.

When I was dating guys rarely made me feel cared about or appreciated, however I found a good one who treats me right! And I do the same for him.

TickleFight
Apr. 17, 2013, 03:04 PM
OP, romance takes time and thought, and most people aren't going to put forth too much effort unless they really like the other person. On top of that, different people find different things to be "romantic." Maybe you've found others to be unreceptive because your idea of romance sounds corny/boring/gross/illegal as hell to them.

However, if you are chronically single, then it's probably you and not "them."

I'll paraphrase some hilarious song lyrics that say it pretty well:

Well, I know a guy and he's alway complaining
'Cause he doesn't have a girlfriend.
So I decided to explain to him
Why I think he has this problem.

The reason you're alone has nothing to do with anything specific.
In fact, I think it's more scientific.
You see, the characteristics that you portray
Make women want to run away.

And though I can offer you no solution,
I think it's got something to do with evolution.

That's evolution when you're all by yourself.
And that's evolution when you're too much of a loser to find someone else.
And that's evolution when you can't get a date.
And that's evolution and it exists so you won't mate.

LadyNeon01
Apr. 17, 2013, 03:35 PM
I used to think that romance didn't exist in my relationship. I'm not one for liking the traditional stuff anyway (flowers, candy, etc.). But the more I think about it, the more I realize that the romance is there, just in a different way.

Just some background to start off with. My SO and I have known each other since I was 10 and he was 11. We didn't start dating until my freshman year of college, then took a break until my senior year. We've been together for over 10 years now, with the first 4 and a half spent long distance and the last almost 2 years living together.

I've noticed more small gestures since we've been living together. He always lets me park my car in the closest carport to the house. He cooks dinner on the nights I ride. He goes for useful gifts rather than cute/pretty ones (i.e. my food processor that he gave me for Christmas). And most recently, he got me roses for Valentine's Day 2 days early so I could enjoy them before we went away for the weekend. It was the thought behind getting the flowers early that really made me realize that he still thinks of me after all this time together.

LexInVA
Apr. 17, 2013, 03:37 PM
That's good stuff right there.

Nikki^
Apr. 18, 2013, 12:48 PM
Funny. This post jumped into romance thread......

LexInVA
Apr. 18, 2013, 12:49 PM
Okay, the forum is officially REALLY screwed up today.

netg
Apr. 18, 2013, 01:07 PM
Okay, the forum is officially REALLY screwed up today.

Yeah.... I'm hoping the reason you posted that disappears from this thread.

Let's just say... it ain't romantic. :cry:

purplnurpl
Apr. 18, 2013, 01:41 PM
My body would care to disagree with you. There is more to sex than orgasm. People are all different. My needs and those of my friends who have high sex drives may be different than yours or others.

Also, there is nothing wrong with being a sexual person.



amen.
I have an obsession with the body. For some reason it's always been an innate feature of the Purp psyche. There is no romance in that.
I've always been obsessed with athletes and muscles.

My past supports this. Being an athlete myself from the time I could walk--all the way to my education. I can't seem to escape.



I feel compelled to put the idea of romance into some category of biological function. The first purpose that comes to my mind, is courtship.

That leads me to think of the vast variety of courtship behaviors that exist in the animal kingdom. If I think about mammals and birds, the courtship behaviors can be so extremely different among different species. Yet one thing that seems similar among most species, is that the males preform some type of specific ritual type behavior to attract females.

In some literature I've read about the songs of certain birds. It seems that baby birds will "imprint" on the songs sung by their parents. Thus in birds, a critical part of courtship behaviors are learnt.


Scientifically speaking. This is oh so true. That awesome heart pounding, crippling feeling you get when a hottie is around is just nature...tricking your body into sexual submission.
That emotional feeling is there to provoke humans into reproduction.

So, when people say "I love you but I'm not IN love with you?"--that is absolutely right.
The IN LOVE part is hard to keep fresh and it dies quickly. Because that feeling is there initially to make us reproduce.

I think in modern society, if relationships last it's because ....
I have no idea why.

But I think relationships that also double as business relationships seem to last...
and then those who really go out of their way to keep the romance feeling fresh will survive as well. Because fresh romance keeps those feeling of "in love" in the present rather than just in the past.

rockonxox
Apr. 18, 2013, 03:30 PM
Relationships these days are so technilogical it seems. I need more than just a text here and there, I require actual conversation. Too bad no guys seem to understand that concept. I don't even know if I've experienced romance at 26 years of age but it sure sounds like a nice concept.

kateh
Apr. 18, 2013, 07:45 PM
I'll tell you the single most romantic thing I've seen. My parents have a very functional relationship where they play off each others' strengths, but they never seem very mushy. They've been married a little over 35 years now, and actually got married within a year of meeting each other. But anyway, most romantic thing I've seen:

A few years ago my grandfather had heart surgery, and my mother spent a little over a month living at his house, 5 hrs away from home. Now every morning she does the newspaper cryptogram, but the paper at my grandfather's didn't have them. When she came home, she found my dad had cut out every. single. day's. puzzle and saved them, in order so she wouldn't see the answer, organized by week. To me, that's much more romantic than roses.

I guess for me romance is about thoughtfulness and doing something purely because it'll make the other person happy.

(And FTR the most romantic guy I've ever dated was someone I met on OkCupid.)