How many "secret" horse owners are there out there? [Archive]

TrakHack

Dec. 17, 2001, 01:38 PM

The woman who I was leasing a horse from owned three horses when the lease began; a mare in foal, another mare, and the gelding that I was leasing. I put down a fair chunk of money as a "good faith deposit" in the event that A) for some reason I didn't pay up, or B) I wanted to buy the horse. WELL, crazy woman never told her husband about the foal that was on its way, so when summer rolled around she proclaimed the deposit money that I gave her to be the purchase price, and now I OWNED the horse /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif. The only problem was I didn't want to own the horse, and I wanted my deposit money back at the end of the lease. I left messages on this woman's answering machine, and she accosted me at the barn one day telling me not to leave messages at her home because her husband doesn't know there's a fourth horse and he can't find out and that's why she can't take the lease horse back because he would notice the increase in board when the foal is weaned, blah blah blah.

I STILL don't have my money back /infopop/emoticons/icon_mad.gif(if the horse sells, I get it back), but at least I'm not paying board on him. I wish I could have anticipated this wacko behavior when the lease agreement was drawn up (would you believe this woman is a psychiatrist? I think she needs one herself...), but I've definitely learned my lesson. If the woman wasn't keeping the foal a secret, I would probably have my money back, but that's the only extent to which the secret horse affected me.

Now, secret cats are a little easier to hide, especially if they all look the same... /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Proud member of the she-woman bull snap haters whose screen names begin with "S" clique!

[This message was edited by Sister on Dec. 17, 2001 at 05:09 PM.]

rileyt

Dec. 17, 2001, 02:06 PM

Sorry KT... I butted in on your last thread, here I go again.

I secretly leased a horse (without Mom's consent) when I was 15. Its was a stupid, juvenile thing to do, and probably representative of a 15 year old maturity level. I would NEVER do it to my husband. Would you be pissed if he went and bought a boat? or a motorcycle as someone has suggeted? I would. and I would divorce him. But maybe you're hoping he'll find out and give you the boot. It sounds like you'd both be better off.

Rye

Dec. 17, 2001, 02:30 PM

If I didn't think that I could tell my husband the truth about a horse, then I think I would have to question the marriage...I'd get out of it and then buy the horse

Sandbarhorse

Dec. 17, 2001, 02:46 PM

I had a secret pony for awhile (actually still have the pony - but no longer secret). I already had a horse that my parents were kindly paying board on while Iwas in college (still love my dear old Dad for admitting he was "family" & "not saleable" and convincing Mom as well), when my friend & I cooked up a scheme to do pony parties for extra cash (she provided the trailer & me the pony). I bought the pony on the sly and Mom was none the wiser (I paid the only hay eating, tiny, extra pony rate of $50./mon) until she stopped down to the barn one day and finally figured out why everyone was asking me care questions about Pheonix!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Not pretty, but hey, it wasn't costing her any more money! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Proud member of the She-woman Bull Snap Haters clique whose screen names begin with "S"

NRB

Dec. 17, 2001, 02:55 PM

Er..... KT1900 Just a thought, I don't know your husband or your situation but....

My husband was the first person that my barn manager got on the phone when I had a concussion and was sent (in an ambulance) to the local ER. He was the first person that I recognized when I "came to". In the examining room he sat there patiently and answered my 15 straight in a row questions of "have a I missed Christmas?" (this happened a year ago this Saturday)

He drove me home, got my meds, took a day off of work, and waited on me while I spent a week in bed dealing with the concussion. NOT A GOOD MEMORY.

But I bought my horse this summer...my hubby knows that he married a strong willed woman. But I also made promises to him to ride out with other riders, and carry my cell phone (I say so I can order a pizza the next time I get KOed and think my name is Katie...)

I agree that hiding something as large as a 1000 pound living breathing vet-bill-accumulating horse may not be a really good idea. Even if it is your own money that you are spending.

JennieColangelo

Dec. 17, 2001, 03:17 PM

Nicely put NRB

Thanks,
Jennie

Rosey

Dec. 17, 2001, 03:17 PM

Having "your" own income to pay for it, doesn't make keeping it a secret right. Marriage is a partnership, not some 2nd grade school game. I think you and your husband need to sit down and have a heart to heart. Have you ever asked why he doesn't like your riding?? Maybe he has a good reason. At any rate, hiding ownership of a large, expensive, and potentially deadly animal is like signing your marriages death warrant.
Its not funny and its not something to joke about.
Honesty is the best policy....I think its time to clear the air with your husband.
Rosey

"The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing."
-Socrates

Dec. 17, 2001, 03:30 PM

Well guys sorry to sound weird about this but...my dad is kind of a fruit cake and so my mom and I came to the agreement he should not know about her buying her first horse. Well for a YEAR he had no idea we owned, leased, whatevered a horse, finally one of his friends figured it out and that was the end. My mom just told him we had been leasing him for the past few months.

When it came time to buy me a horse, he knew because we thought it would be very strange if I couldn't talk about MY horse. When it came time for me to get a new (more expensive) horse last year we didn't tell him I was trying horses until about 10 months into the process, which lasted a good 12 months. It hasn't ruined my parents relationship, personally I think my dad perfers just not to know!

R&R
"Dmklinger: LOL - sorry - wouldn't know a backstreet boy if one came up and bit me!!"
Now if that isn't a classic!

Brookes

Dec. 17, 2001, 03:47 PM

KT, I'm afraid I have to agree with your detractors here. Don't try to hide this, it could possibly be the kiss o' death to your marriage, that is unless you're trying to get rid of "Bozo"? Hmmmm, something more you want to tell us, huh girlie?? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!!

nhwr

Dec. 17, 2001, 04:26 PM

I don't think I was in one the earlier thread... Here is my opinion, for what it is worth. When you are married, you are in a partnership. You know that stuff about love and honor (I didn't sign up for obey, so I'll leave that out), that means respect and honesty. In a partnership, you don't have your own money. The money you make belongs to both of you, the money he makes belongs to both of you. I don't think it necessary to agree on everything, but I think it is necessary to be honest. Also I think it means that a spouse should accept you for who you are. Since horses are a big part of who I am, that is part of the package with me. I guess the bigger question is, Why live intimately with someone who doesn't accept who you truly are?

SoEasy

Dec. 17, 2001, 05:00 PM

http://chronofhorse.infopop.net/2/OpenTopic?q=Y&a=tpc&s=691099205&f=1970907951&m=1423043752&p=1

read it first!

nhwr

Dec. 17, 2001, 07:41 PM

after looking at that referenced thread, I don't really know what to say, except that I don't think you can truly feel the things that are expressed there without wearing them on your sleeves, to a certain extent. If you really feel that way, how can you stay married? If you really feel that way, no wonder your husbands resent your horses (and you, maybe). It is tough to imagine a rational person having a lot of enthusiasm for an activity where their spouse ditched 'em, bashed 'em and hid their assets. Be honest, girls. When men try to hide their money and property, we are pretty quick to call them pigs. And rightly so. Stop thinking of yourselves as victims. You deserve the BEST. If you don't have that - stay home and make it (if you really love your husband) or move on, go out and get it. But anyone who has a horse is living well, so quit whining.

CdnRider

Dec. 17, 2001, 08:26 PM

I bought my first horse almost a month ago. I have been very active in horses for the past 5 years. My parents know the horse thing is not just a phase, however when I decided to buy Brady I contemplated not telling them. I decided to buy him on Monday and I was to pick him up on Thursday. After heavy thinking, on Wednesday, I blurted it out to my dad. I told him my about my financial plans (because I am going to college next year so I need to pay for it) and in the end he said "congratulations." When I told my mom, she would have been a bit upset but when I said dad said "congrats," what could she say!?

I have to say I would feel incredibly guilt-ridden if I didn't tell them. I almost still feel bad for thinking of not telling them.

To not tell a husband, IMO, is just asking for trouble.

AAJumper

Dec. 17, 2001, 08:53 PM

My husband leased my first horse for me for our first Christmas together! He had NO idea what he was getting himself into!!!! But actually he DID put a deposit on an $8500 motorcycle that I didn't even know he was going to look at without consulting me. And boy was I pissed!!! So I couldn't ever do that to him w/a horse. Besides, I'm a bad liar!

dogchushu

Dec. 17, 2001, 08:56 PM

I was in my early 30's when I started riding and didn't tell my parents about it for 6 months! They came to visit and horsey stuff was laying about, so I figured I'd better 'fess up! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Mom is terrified (I mean, something almost pathological) of horses. So I didn't tell them because I didn't want them to stress out. Dumb move. All they did was worry about what other "dangerous" activities I was involved in and not sharing with them (really funny if you know me... I'm the ultimate scaredy cat).

When I got my horse, I debated telling them and only did so after she passed the vetting and it was a done deal. They were not happy at first. But I was an independent adult so they didn't really say too much. Well, there was one conversation in which my mother was sure I was going to get killed... /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

But eventually they saw how happy I was and now they buy my horse presents for Christmas and her birthday (which is just about ridiculous since we don't know when that is).

Very happy story: I'd had the mare for 6 weeks when my birthday rolled around. I opened my card from my horse-terrified mom and inside was a check for one month's board along with a note saying "I haven't seen you smile like this for ages. Keep the horse another month. She's good for you." Gotta tell you, I got a bit teary eyed at that!

DarkerHorse

Dec. 17, 2001, 09:06 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Very happy story: I'd had the mare for 6 weeks when my birthday rolled around. I opened my card from my horse-terrified mom and inside was a check for one month's board along with a note saying "I haven't seen you smile like this for ages. Keep the horse another month. She's good for you." Gotta tell you, I got a bit teary eyed at that!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Aww thats so sweet... My mother would never do that... Bah.. LOL

-----
http://www.catchride.com

Jane

Dec. 17, 2001, 09:33 PM

I have three horses, but my (long time, live-in) boyfriend "thinks" I have two. I never intended it to be a secret when I bought Keanu ...I didn't tell him about it right away because...well, we all know how hard it is for a non-horsey person to understand why one needs more than one horse (or any horse, for that matter). I just figured I'd wait for the *right* time to tell him. And hear we are, over two years later, and the right time hasn't come up...yet! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

However, he has seen Keanu's pictures around, has even seen me ride the horse when he stopped by the barn unexpectedly one day....yes, that would've been the "right" time to tell him, and I was prepared to do just that, as soon as he asked me "which" horse I was riding. BUT, he never asked....I think he was worried I'd get annoyed for not being able to tell my horses apart (all mine are dark bays). /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

AAJumper

Dec. 17, 2001, 09:58 PM

LOL Jane...so it's like with cats...more than 2 and you start to fall into the "crazy cat/horse lady" category? /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

M.K.Smith

Dec. 17, 2001, 11:32 PM

When I was a senior in college I had Tiny as my project...she was supposed to get some training and then be sold at the local bi-weekly auction in Story City, IA. I'd been visiting the action regularly and it's one where there are some decent horses that go through, but you see others that you know are going to kill buyers. Tiny is well put together and a great mover, but being a chestnut with no white feet doesn't strike typical auction buyers as being fancy.

The more I worked with her the more I realized how special she was. To make a long story short, my best bud from college was supposed to talk me out of wanting her. She met T. for about 30 seconds & said...we have to get you this horse. We worked out a deal where she initally bought her (before the horse sale) and I'd buy her back w/in a year. I was responsible for board & care.

I'd been trying to tell my parents that I REALLY wanted to buy her, but I got the reaction of you don't need another horse (I had my TB), you don't have a job yet, you don't know where you're going to live, etc. So, I told them that my friend had bought her & I was training her.

I thought they didn't realize that I'd bought her, but they had figured it out. Of course, it would have been really difficult to hide when I shipped 2 horses back home to Maryland.

I don't try to hide horses anymore. When my trainer gave me Willow, I discussed it with my fiance first...he still says we should call her One Too Many, but he said it was up to me. I even told my parents ahead of time.

MKB...

bucksnort

Dec. 17, 2001, 11:35 PM

Hmm, at first I thought that this thread was sort of a joke. Then I read Rosey's little "goodbye speech" I gotta say, this whole thing is a little wierd to me. I don't think that I could stay married to a man that would deny what makes me happy. If it was a case of not being able to afford it, that's one thing. Maybe you would be happier without the hubby?? /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

***~~~Bucksnort~~~***
You can have my boyfriend, but stay away from my horse.

bucksnort

Dec. 17, 2001, 11:38 PM

Oh!! Something even more weird!! I just read my last post and laughed when I saw my signature underneath. I guess it kind of relates to this thread. I don't really mean it! I love my boyfriend!

***~~~Bucksnort~~~***
You can have my boyfriend, but stay away from my horse.

Priya

Dec. 18, 2001, 04:59 AM

while in highschool my father took me weekly for physio appts about an hour away from home twice a week. Along the way was a tack shop and the one day we stopped in after my appt. Dad started talking to the owner to find out they had 2 TB mares in the stable that were for sale. The one was a tall, solid bay mare who was a proven equitation horse and the second was a smaller dapple grey mare who had just been standing in a field for a few years after her race career. Dad and I decided the bay was out of our price range but I test rode the grey. I liked her a lot and dad talked to them and said he would be back to vet her.

My mom was the type that said when "I grow up" I can have as many horses as I want(that meant moved out and payed my own bills haha). She however went with my dad and agreed to buy me the horse. My dad had told me the mare had failed her vet check and so I didn't think anything of it, and started looking into more prsoepcts. One Sunday afternoon my whole family was going out to my grandparents and we stopped at my instructors place. I had noticed a very dark grey horse in the front field and in the car said..."I wonder who's horse that is?". Well that is when my parents told me that they had bought me the horse!!! WOOOHOOOO /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I hadn't remembered exactly what the mare had looked like(she was darker then I remember) so didn't even put the two and two togeather.....sneaky parents they are!

So they bought the horse secretly on me....over the next couple years I would scout out new horses and then tell my parents that we "should" buy this new mare and they usually would go for it. Now we have a full scale breeding farm.....but I haven't bought a new horse in over a year and am starting to get an inkling too!!! haha

Now about husbands.....I'm not married but will be in the next year and a half. My boyfriend is very aware of my "passion" and he would never ask me to give up on the horses or sell them. I have brought up many case scenario's and he has said that if they make me happy then we keep them. He teases about buying ponies and going to horse shows after we have children. Oh and did I mention he is as passionate about cricket as I am my 4 legged kids, but my horses always come first. I guess my guy is a rare case and all the more reasons to keep him!

I think you need to be honest, open and communicate with your spouse. You married him for a reason, and there needs to be some compromise here. For me I know my BF wouldn't go out and buy a car without my my approval, so he expects the same from me(but cars who needs them when you have the horse power of a 16.3hh warmblood dressage horse! lol) For me I think you need to tell them although I don't think you need to seek their approval for owning the horse.

All the best to you though......both with the horse and Bozo /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Sarah

Oldenburg Mom

Dec. 18, 2001, 05:10 AM

Hello. I've heard about you from Suzy and Velvet. And of course I read the "drool bucket" thread which had me in stitches. Nice to meet you, "formally(?)".

Bozo is a bozo. And although everyone here seems to be against it, except GWEN and Jane (thanks gwen & Jane, I owe you one) again, I don't want to get into another thread about men not understanding women and horses.

Look, I can either lease this baby for $2,400 for a year OR buy him for $2,500. And for him, it's a steal... either way I'm continuing to board him with his owner, who in a pinch would take him back. He's a wonderful first dressage horse, and quite frankly, I'm in luv.

Do I wish hubby were on my side and supportive? Of course. But all of you answer honestly. If it REALLY came down to no horses or no husband, which would you really choose?

Plus Bozo is unemployed. Hey guys, I'm not the bad guy here... I can't leave with him unemployed and the only happiness I have is my RRB.

Just a thought...
KT

[This message was edited by KT 1900 on Dec. 18, 2001 at 08:21 AM.]

[This message was edited by KT 1900 on Dec. 18, 2001 at 08:21 AM.]

Midge

Dec. 18, 2001, 05:50 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by KT 1900:
Do I wish hubby were on my side and supportive? Of course. But all of you answer honestly. If it REALLY came down to no horses or no husband, which would you really choose?
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Mother of God! You are joking, right???? If you would choose your horse over your husband, I can't imagine why you are married. I dated plenty of bozos who would lose out to a stray cat, but I didn't marry them. If you did, leave! And why CAN'T you leave someone who is unemployed? It would get him off his butt. Just remember, you are headed for a divorce sooner or later. If it happens after you buy a horse, that horse is community property. Or are you going to lie about that, too? I'm starting to get the impression having the horse a secret is as valuable as having the horse. Just another notch in the marriage war.

'If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?'

Oldenburg Mom

Dec. 18, 2001, 06:03 AM

Hey! No fair beating me up.

I'm not the dragon/b*tch all you guys are making me feel like /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

Just a thought...
KT

hitchinmygetalong

Dec. 18, 2001, 06:12 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Do I wish hubby were on my side and supportive? Of course. But all of you answer honestly. If it REALLY came down to no horses or no husband, which would you really choose? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I had to do that once, and though I thought I would never recover, the horse went. When I married, I made a promise to a very special person, and I plan to keep that promise. It sounds like we have more than a few members here with less-than-ideal marriages. It also sounds like some of these unions work (through compromises and mutual respect), but many of them are farces. God help any children caught in the crossfire.

As for the original post, I could NEVER keep a horse "secretly," any more than I would want my husband or child to have to contain their passions for fear of reprisals. Our family shares, and we are all very different people (he plays golf, I ride, my son is a computer / electronics geek...) but our diversity makes for very lively dinner conversations.

I thank God every day for my husband. I hope you all can come to terms with yours.

Quinn

Dec. 18, 2001, 06:14 AM

Cut her some slack will you? Many worse things in life than that. FYI, I hid two. One I said was on a long term lease (still have her at 27) and one he never knew about. Big flippin' deal. Have some eggnog. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Oldenburg Mom

Dec. 18, 2001, 06:20 AM

THANKS!

Ok, I know my marriage isn't perfect. Bozo didn't earn his name by being a charmer you know.

But after 15 years of supporting HIS kids with no complaints, I think I've earned a little bit of what I want. I work 9 hours a day, have over 3 hours of commuting time, and never complain that he's out of work. All I ask is don't give me grief about my horse.

It's not much to ask, is it?

BTW, Quinn, encounter any problems--keeping them secret?

Just a thought...
KT

rileyt

Dec. 18, 2001, 06:27 AM

KT- I'm sorry if my post makes you feel like we're picking on you. I don't think you're a bad person, or anything of the sort. You sound young (not that I'm any old bag...er, I mean old SAGE like Velvet or Suzy). I'm no marriage counselor, but there are things that you post that send red flags up all over for me. And I don't think any of us are saying that if you had to choose between the horse or the husband, take the horse...(well, maybe SOME of us are /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif ) What I am saying is this:

I really believe marriage has to be a trusting partnership to work. And it has to be RESPECTFUL on BOTH sides. Hiding things from your husband is underhanded, and disrespectful. Calling him a Bozo is disrespectful. You should treat him as he should treat you. Based from your last few posts, however, I think that HE is probably not be respectful to YOU. Just a hunch. He should not say things about your riding like he did in the last post. So, you're in a "he treats you like sh*t, so I'll get back at him" stage. You need to address this problem, or throw in the towel and get divorced (there are worse things,... like staying in an unhappy marriage). A husband should support you, in whatever you choose to do. If you want to ride, or own a horse,... he may have legitimate concerns (like, you're financially strapped right now, or he's worried you'll get hurt, etc.) that you OWE it to him to listen to, and work with him on. But it's NOT OK for him to say, 'NO, you can't have a horse... Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO" or some other stupid reason. Don't play games behind his back. That makes you just as much of a BOZO (I'm not trying to name call, just trying to make a point). If it is important to you, then ADDRESS it. Listen to his concerns. If they're legitimate, try to meet him halfway. If they're ridiculous, control issues, tell him to blow it out his ear, or file for divorce. My advice (though probably REALLY BAD), is really meant to be HELPFUL. I don't think you're a b*tch, or a bad person or anything. But I do think you're making a bad choice. It sounds to me like Bozo has control issues, and if you don't address them now, or divorce him, he will continue to wear away your self confidence and self esteem. Don't let it come to that. Address it NOW, while you still have your self-respect. Good luck.

Just out of curiosity, what do you think he'd do/say if you said "Honey, I'm riding this brilliant horse, and I want to buy him." ?

Quinn

Dec. 18, 2001, 06:28 AM

One in particular springs to mind. I had barn coats made for my friends one Christmas with their horses' name embroidered on the back. Well, of course I needed one too. I had the "unknown" horse's name put on and while at my inlaws, someone asked who that particular horse was. My story was brilliant. I told them that the original name I had chosen for my then 2 year old colt was the name on the jacket and had decided somewhere along the road to change it. Pretty crafty huh???

And then there was the time he showed up at a show. He NEVER came to my shows. Just told him I was catch riding that day. That in itself is amusing because I really don't ride exceptionally well and Lord knows I wouldn't be paid to do it. But in the long run, I was believed.

On an entirely different note, he and I are now divorced. No, our marriage wasn't the best and yes, I will take blame for a lot of that. Would I hide a horse again. Yup, if I had to. In essence, we all have different relationships. Some great and some not so great. Does that make everything black and white. Nope. Not now and not ever. What works for one does not necessarily work for another. We can all assume our own opinion but we can't and shouldn't force our beliefs on to anyone else. Do what's right for you. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Midge

Dec. 18, 2001, 06:29 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by KT 1900:

But after 15 years of supporting HIS kids with no complaints, I think I've earned a little bit of what I want. I work 9 hours a day, have over 3 hours of commuting time, and never complain that he's out of work. All I ask is don't give me grief about my horse.

It's not much to ask, is it?
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

No, it is not much to ask, so just tell him you are doing it and why. If he says, 'The horse or me' and can't give you a valid reason to NOT have the horse, say, 'See ya!'

When I met my husband, I had a little sign in my house, over the toilet at man height. It said,

"It takes a mighty good husband to be better than none."

Words to live by.

'If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?'

Dementia 13

Dec. 18, 2001, 06:32 AM

Those are great words, Quinn -- do what's right for you. /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Golly, people, I thought this was supposed to be a lighthearted topic!

Oldenburg Mom

Dec. 18, 2001, 06:41 AM

Basically I did something like that on Sunday.

He blew a gasket. Am I abused? Not physically. These are his control issues; and no, I'm not young... I'm 56 and hubby is 59. There is no practical reason why he should object to this other than one: I'm not at home, with his other possessions. He also does not understand "passion" ... with music, with art, with athletics, anything. Try explaining passion to someone who has never experienced it, and doesn't understand the concept. But really THINK about it before you reply.

The problem with continuing this thread is I don't need help making my marriage work or not work. That's not why I started the thread and that's not the issue here. I started it to find out how many other people are out there in the same boat and how they've handled some of the issues.

I'm really not an unreasonable person. I have tried and tried and tried to explain what I get from riding, what it means to me, etc. etc. etc. His reaction is mostly, "Un huh, un huh, un huh" while he turns on the next football/basketball/baseball game.

I'm 56. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life watching TV and waiting on him.

Just a thought...
KT

Oldenburg Mom

Dec. 18, 2001, 06:45 AM

Thanks for the support.

I imagine that eventually spouse and I will divorce. But I wouldn't leave anyone without a way to support him/herself. It's just not right.

Both your comments are appreciated. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Just a thought...
KT

rileyt

Dec. 18, 2001, 06:49 AM

Sorry KT. I know I've overstepped my bounds. Good luck with the horse, and your husband.

gwen

Dec. 18, 2001, 06:56 AM

I've only been married for 6 months..but I think a successful marriage has to include trust and honesty...I would NEVER hide any money from my husband...

**Barb**

Oldenburg Mom

Dec. 18, 2001, 06:57 AM

No, you haven't overstepped your bounds... after all, you're not Velvet (LOL)

Hey, this is a free-for-all. I threw the question out there for everyone to give their opinion. Some were helpful, some were difficult, some (like yours) were the way I WISH things were. I don't think ANYONE wants a difficult spouse: we want love, kindess and support for the dreams that are near and dear to our hearts. We're on the same page, I think, on that subject.

And I have to say, all you neigh-sayers have given me pause to rethink... maybe this isn't a bright idea.

Actually, I think this situation is called being between a "rock" and a "hard place." There are not going to be any winners, regarless of the outcome.

Just a thought...
KT

HelenD

Dec. 18, 2001, 07:29 AM

I'm not hiding it. I just been calling it "his" horse.

"I got a horse for YOU to ride, honey"

"We can go on trail rides together, you'd like that, right?"

Even he rolls his eyes these days when I call it "Larry's horse, Tucker".

But he did know about it before it arrived. And went along with the idea it would be his until he was confronted with what a 16.2 hand horse looks like up close.

/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Helen

Louise

Dec. 18, 2001, 07:31 AM

I can see where you are coming from KT, and why you want to do this. None of us have any way of knowing what your life is like, and we can't see inside your head to tell what you are thinking and feeling. I think you know that, and I do applaud you for keeping your head while you have been getting bombarded with so many differing and some not so complimentary opinions.

I'm not going to say yes, its right, or no, its wrong - that's your decision to make. Just consider one thing - keeping a horse is not an easy task. There is a lot of upkeep, and a lot of care involved. If you have help, or are boarding at a facility that offers full care, it may be a little easier, but there are still going to be times, and emergencies, when you are going to have to care for this animal yourself.

I don't know of too many horsepeople, for instance, who haven't pulled all nighters, when their horse is ill. What if the horse has to go to a clinic for something, or what if it is injured in a serious enough manner that it required treatment several times a day? There aren't too many places that will do that kind of treatment for you, you will find that you are expected to do the night treatment, at least. How are you going to keep that kind of thing from your husband?

You can expect the unexpected, with horses, and that makes it very hard to keep one a secret.

Another thing, if you are in a "less than ideal" relationship, you may find that after a while, the responsibility of the horse becomes just another burden, instead of the joy that it was at first. Your horse, your responsibility - no passing that responsibility off on someone else, ever. You have to ride, you have to care for the animal, you have to make sure that this horse is being treated well and cared for adequately.

You may find that you already have a lot on your plate, and the horse is just too much.

I know this post sounds like quite a downer, but I think that you need to look at, and be aware of, all the angles. I wish you all the best, no matter what your decision is.

Dementia 13

Dec. 18, 2001, 07:33 AM

Louise, you are always the voice of reason!

Maria

Dec. 18, 2001, 07:37 AM

KT, I don't have any magical words of wisdom. I just wish you the best at whatever decision you make.

Priya

Dec. 18, 2001, 07:54 AM

this sure has gotten interesting!!!

First KT 1900....I wish you the best in whatever you choose to do. I guess since I'm not in the same circumstance I can saw "oh your wrong" or "yeah I would do the same" but I'm not.

Originally posted by KT 1900:
Do I wish hubby were on my side and supportive? Of course. But all of you answer honestly. If it REALLY came down to no horses or no husband, which would you really choose?

At first when I read this I thought I would take the guy.....but then I remembered a serious relationship I was in that ended partially due to the fact that I wouldn't give in to this guys requests......and one was selling all my horses(closing my business) and moving oversea's cause he didn't want to sell his business. There were many cultural issues, family, etc that in the end made us seperate but I guess in a sense I wasn't willing to give up who I was in order to become who he wanted me to be.

The new man in my life I would give up horses for, but I think that is because I know he would never ask me too so I'm sorta safe then right??? I actually have told him I would downsize my herd once we decided to have kids so I could balance everything and he has said that he would be willing to help out in whatever way he can. So this guy understands me and my passion and is very understanding.

So all the best to you and Bozo!

Sarah

Evalee Hunter

Dec. 18, 2001, 08:01 AM

Yes, my daughter & I once owned a horse my husband didn't know about. We owned 1 (which he knew about) & kept her at a barn we used in return for caring for the barn owner's horse. What my husband didn't know was that horse no. 3 also belonged to us. He thought that gelding belonged to the barn owner along with horse no. 2.

He has gradually become a horse person. It has been a long road but now we have 6 horses (including 2 pregnant mares) & he knows about all of them. He even learned to take care of them so my daughter & I could leave for 6 days to go to MA for her Pony Club A rating.

That said, although I have not read KT's thread about her Bozo husband, I think I have some possible understanding of some of the things that could be going on here & I'm going to vote in favor or secret horse ownership.

It is wonderful if you have a husband who is all together & you can have heart to heart talks & all. But sometimes the people we care for are not exactly as we wish. I don't know about "Bozo" but I do know about my husband. He was badly abused as a child and he has great difficulties with empathizing with anyone else--he just can't see things from someone else's point of view. I know he wants to be a good husband & a good person but sometimes he just doesn't know how. (Let me clarify, he is neither physically nor verbally abusive.)

I once had a chat with my husband's secretary & she kind of hinted she wondered how I tolerated him day in & day out. I said that although I know having a split personality is very rare (as an actual thing) sometimes it helped me to think of him as having multiple personalities & I just kind of ask myself, "OK, who am I dealing with today?" She really jumped on that & said she thought he might be an actual case of psychiatric multiple personalities. I don't know. The subject has never been investigated, but I do know you could have a nice heart-to-heart & he would seem to understand & be in favor of something & then another day it is as if the talk never happened.

I just feel I have to work my way through things with my husband & feel my way step by step--things don't get settled in one big talk. And sometimes the rest of life is moving faster than the steps in our relationship & he ends up not knowing about things--sometimes for a long time.

And, as another poster said, sometimes it seems like he really doesn't want to know.

I might add we have been married for over 21 years.

Heidi

Dec. 18, 2001, 08:05 AM

It's probably easy for many of us sit in our respective offices and homes and throw around platitudes about marriage; and insist that respect, trust, compromise must form the basis of a sound marriage.

Perhaps we need to consider that KT's marriage can't be measured and defined by that context. Absolutely, in the ideal world of ideal relationships, there would be no secrets and full disclosure - especially with a purchase as significant as a horse. Sadly, for KT, her marriage is far from ideal.

Who here, in the same situation (not your current situation or measured against what we all believe to be the definition of the Perfect Marriage) wouldn't venture forth to purchase a horse they love -- and keep the fact a secret from a man who is selfish and controlling?

KT, rather than condemnation, I think many people have just expressed the thought that you deserve better.

Maria

Dec. 18, 2001, 08:08 AM

I am starting to read a good book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" Taking your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder.

It might be a good read for some of the folks here.

I bought it to help with dealing with my Mom.

BustersMom

Dec. 18, 2001, 08:09 AM

There have been lots of good thoughts on this thread but when all is done, everyone has to do what is best for them and for their situation. Certainly keeping secrets in a marriage puts additional strain on a bond. None of us is living in KT's house so we shouldn't throw stones. I think all she was looking for was a sounding board for ideas and she has certainly gotten those.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group

FairWeather

Dec. 18, 2001, 08:10 AM

Forget the trail riding, how about COTH MARRAIGE counseling/preaching?

ugh...

Always,
FairWeather
"Just call me mint jelly cuz i'm on the lamb!--Grandpa
http://www.fairweather-farm.com

Flash44

Dec. 18, 2001, 08:21 AM

My sister gave me this unedited list of things children have written about religion, it was quite funny. Anyway, one of the children wrote as one of the ten commandments, "Thou shalt not admit adultery."

Each marriage is unique and dynamic, people change over the years, and what was one perfect may no longer work. The divorce rate is 50%. We endure stress and pressure today that our parents never had to. I'm sure many people struggle daily with their marriages, and mine is not perfect. But one thing I have learned is that only you can make you truly happy, and you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of everyone else. Not that you need to be totally self centered and selfish, but you should recognize what makes you happy and healthy, and include these things in your life within reason so that when you have to deal with stress and pressure, you can handle it without losing your cool or taking it out on those around you.

Use the Force. ABBA rocks. Just say "NO" to Farrah hair.

elizabeth

Dec. 18, 2001, 08:22 AM

Do what you know is best for you, whatever that is.

But listen closely to YOURSELF. I'm willing to bet my left arm that you have not ruled out the idea of bracing yourself, telling him what you INTEND to do (before you do it), and then, when he goes nuts, following up with "And the way you are speaking to me right now is no longer acceptable. Please speak with me respectfully or please leave this home."

And if he won't shut up, you can walk out.

All that being said, good luck in doing what you know is best for you, whatever that is.

Dec. 18, 2001, 08:25 AM

My mother's favourite expression- "She who pays the piper, calls the tune". If you pay the bills, you decide how the money is spent (as long as it doesn't interfere with things like groceries). You have to do what makes you happy. I would buy the horse and tell him. If he doesn't get over it, then you aren't meant to be together. Something will happen a) He will get over it and you will be both happy and married or b) he won't get over it and you will be happy and divorced. If you don't buy the horse, you will probably resent him forever and end up divorced anyway. He is making his needs his top priority, why shouldn't you make your needs your top priority? Good Luck.

Oldenburg Mom

Dec. 18, 2001, 09:19 AM

/infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif And Wow! again.

Thank you all of you wonderful people. I knew CotH would come through in the end.

I've read all the posts carefully and would love to respond to everyone who posted but I'm afraid Louise might be upset by the length.

Thanks for the support... if I can't find it here, I won't find it anywhere. Louise, you wrote wise words, ones I had not considered. Truly wise words. Especially the <<joy that it was at first.>> paragraph. It's comments like yours that I am seeking, and that make me stop and reconsider, seriously.

Evalee Hunter -- my goodness. It sounds like we're married to the same man. Although Bozo wasn't abused as a child I believe he is just self-centered and, at times, volatile. You've found a good coping mechanism... who am I dealing with today?

Heidi - I agree. I do deserve better. And I would be leaving in Feb... but you don't kick someone when they're down (think unemployed) with nothing in sight.

Thanks BustersMom. I know you were in on my original thread. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Fairweather - ROTFLMAO. I'd be the first patient.

elizabeth - You've hit upon it. I really think this IS what will happen.

GW - True, true, true. And by the way, TRUE.

Just a thought...
KT

nhwr

Dec. 18, 2001, 09:42 AM

Sorry if you feel picked on, that wasn't the intent of my posts. Marriage (even a good one) is never easy. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Evalee Hunter

Dec. 18, 2001, 09:43 AM

But practically every woman I know personally keeps at least some horse stuff secret from her husband . . . "well, I always have the massage therapist call the barn phone to make an appointment", etc.

I know a breeding farm (4 stallions, multiple mares & foals) where the husband is very much a horse person but the daughter once assured us they buy horses without telling Dad--& since there are so many horses he either doesn't notice or doesn't notice for a long time.

Actually, one of the things that has helped my husband become accepting of the horses is that he has realized from his own observation the serenity & pleasure that horses bring into my life--& since he would like more serenity in his life, he became interested in the horses wondering if it would help him.

Perhaps gradually your husband will notice you are feeling better & perhaps he will learn about the horse & it will all penetrate his brain.

Oldenburg Mom

Dec. 18, 2001, 09:58 AM

No, sweetie, I don't feel picked on. Beat-up, yes, but not picked on. (LOL) And you know what? Your comments are valid. As I said to rileyt, this is a free-for-all. Post here and take what comes.

And you're right, marriage is not easy. It takes TWO people, not one.

I think I'll just tell him I'm LEASING him.

Just a thought...
KT

P.S. Evalee Hunter ... you could be right.

BustersMom

Dec. 18, 2001, 10:26 AM

You know K and I "lease" Joe.......tee hee.

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group

TrakHack

Dec. 18, 2001, 10:31 AM

A good friend of mine is getting divorced after a short marriage, and I suggested she break it to her husband by telling him, in fishing terms, that he's a "catch and release" fish, and that she's releasing him!

I'm not married, but hope to be someday, and I am definitely a "package deal", which includes a geriatric, sometimes mean cat, and the horse and all that goes with the horse. The way I see it (in my naive perspective) is that the guy who is right for me is the one who appreciates my love of horses and understands that without them, I'm not very happy at all. The perfect guy, of course, will want to learn more about horses /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif.

Proud member of the she-woman bull snap haters whose screen names begin with "S" clique!

Adagio

Dec. 18, 2001, 11:19 AM

Took me 40 years to find the right 'horsie' guy and I'm keeping him. Have had more then one guy hit the door trailing out the words 'I'll be damned if I come after the horses'. spent to many years building my dream and it's not something I'm prepared to let go of. Well now it's all been worth the wait. I own a beautiful 10 acre facility, 8 horses a great house and just recently the perfect man! He supports my dream, discusses the future on the herd, wants to participate in that future (oh and he mucks ;> ))
So the good guys are out there if your willing to wait. Good luck in making your dreams come true!

Everythingbutwings

Dec. 18, 2001, 11:24 AM

That is priceless!

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR> A good friend of mine is getting divorced after a short marriage, and I suggested she break it to her husband by telling him, in fishing terms, that he's a "catch and release" fish, and that she's releasing him! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

And a bit kinder than what an aquaintance of mine did. She left a large fish under the bed covers in her place after he passed out one night. She packed up her car, tucked him in with his best friend and came home to Virginia. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Oldenburg Mom

Dec. 18, 2001, 11:36 AM

Besides having a wonderful musical ID (I'm a musician) YOU seem to understand.

Just because I'm married doesn't mean I'm dead... and I'm not going to be suffocated by someone who doesn't understand passion.

You've got real guts, my friend.

Just a thought...
KT

P.S. ETBW - I'm sure it took WEEKS to get that smell out of the room/bed, if at all. Good on her.

DebS

Dec. 18, 2001, 11:58 AM

If I wanted to keep the husband and there was no other way, I'd keep it a secret.

If my husband was an unemployed Bozo, I'd tell him, to his face, loudly: I'M GETTING A <BLEEPING> HORSE!! Then let the chips fall where they may.

I do not have a horse, but I will one day, and my husband would like nothing better than to see me as a horse owner.

It's on my life's To Do list, and he knows it.

TrakHack

Dec. 18, 2001, 12:08 PM

Hey DebS, owning a horse was on my Things To Do Before I Die List, too! I made the list on a road-trip with the guy I hope I'll marry someday, so when I bought a horse earlier this year, he was proud of me for making it a reality! Nothing better than a honey that supports the other love in your life!

Proud member of the she-woman bull snap haters whose screen names begin with "S" clique!

Oldenburg Mom

Dec. 18, 2001, 12:10 PM

ROTFLMAO.

I'm still laughing....

Just a thought...
KT

DebS

Dec. 18, 2001, 12:13 PM

except I am a:

Proud member of the she-woman bull snap haters whose screen names ENDS with "S" clique!

Good luck and I hope you get yer man!

...what's a bull snap...?

Oldenburg Mom

Dec. 18, 2001, 12:17 PM

Ok. I'll bite.

What's a bull snap?

Just a thought...
KT

DebS

Dec. 18, 2001, 12:24 PM

but Sister hates them.

Are those the clunky snaps at the end of lead lines that you have to pull OUT...or are they the "turtle" sliding kind on cross ties?

We need to know these things if we're ever going to be horse owners.

TrakHack

Dec. 18, 2001, 12:34 PM

I've updated my signature line to make it inclusive for all the bull-snap haters in the world!

Seriously though, on the topic of men and horses, I've been thinking about this for a good 6-7 years. I used to think it would be harder to find the perfect horse than the perfect guy, but it's been pretty darn hard to find either! It seems that my definition of "perfect" has become a bit less demanding over time as I deal with more of each species /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif.

I hope I get him too! He was browsing through my "Encyclopedia of the Horse" book (the one with lots of pictures!) and asking me all sorts of questions. At first I thought he was just humoring me, but he said he was genuinely interested! And he's getting pretty good at identifying colors of horses, especially if it's a paint! In fishing terms, he's a keeper /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif.

BTW, bull-snaps are the attachments on the end of lead ropes that aren't the usual bolt/trigger snap. Hard to explain, exactly, but I hate them!

Proud member of the bull snap haters clique!

DebS

Dec. 18, 2001, 12:34 PM

I found Trigger snaps, Swivel Snaps, Bolt Snaps, Scissor Snaps, Panic snaps and yes...

Bull Snaps - they are the large clunky snaps you'll find on trailer ties (not to be confused with stock ties).

Thank you stateline.com

TrakHack

Dec. 18, 2001, 12:37 PM

Yeah, bull-snaps are the pull-out kind. Terribly difficult for me to open with one hand. So we stay on topic, I'm sure the ideal man would understand an aversion to bull-snaps, and happily use trigger snaps /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif.

Proud member of the bull snap haters clique!

Pixie Dust

Dec. 18, 2001, 12:41 PM

It's okay to lower you standards when buying a horse, but not when getting married!!!

(Of course this means your standards must be reasonable).

I hate bull snaps too!!

BGoosewood in Goosewood and therefore TweedleDEE

DebS

Dec. 18, 2001, 12:47 PM

IMO, it's more about time and money. Horses consume too much of both. Men hate that. But it could be about shopping, triathalon training, law-school...

HAY! don't tell him you're leasing a horse - tell him you're going to law school!!

sorry to make light of this...between a rock and a hard place is a tough spot to be in

Midge

Dec. 18, 2001, 01:39 PM

I think the problem most men have is not even the time and money issue, although that is a biggie. I think it is the intense emotional bond we create with the horses.

Men may love having their heads stuck under the hood of a car all day. They may even wax it lovingly and take it out for a spin on a sunny day. But they don't love it.

I think there are men who feel displaced by their infant children. Suddenly, they have to share. Of course, they realize they are both parents and work it out.

A horse is more like having a boyfriend. No married woman with a boyfriend would open their mouths one peep about it to their husbands, yet we yammer on about the horse did this, the horse did that. I'm a genius because I did this, I'm an idiot because I can't do that. And how many times have we said, "Man, I just LOVE this horse!'

We come home from the barn either in a euphoric high over a great ride or in the doldrums over a bad one. They wouldn't be normal if they didn't resent all that emotion flowing from us. Emotion in which they are not involved.

It takes a big man to not be threatened by it. It takes a small one to try and excise it. Most men fall in between. If you have a big one, kiss the ground he walks on. If you have a small one, make tracks!

'If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?'

LuckyMe

Dec. 18, 2001, 01:43 PM

I knew a guy who was really into racehorses, rode hunters and jumpers for years, wrote several books on various aspects of horses and riding. His wife was TOTALLY against the horse thing.

He had the same gelding for years and years, and his wife never knew. He switched barns and I heard that when the gelding passed away, he got a really lovely TB filly off the track. About a year later the filly was up for sale, along with all her "accessories" (blankets, tack, etc.) Apparently the wife had finally found out. I always thought it was such a shame...

Luckily my boyfriend is fully supportive of the horses. He'll hop on one once in awhile, and he comes out to the barn with me on weekends. He's even better at recognizing the horses than I am, can name all 30 standing out in the field. I was thinking of selling my filly a few months ago due to time, money, and other issues. He fought to keep her and I'm glad he did, I would have hated myself had I sold her!

Pixie Dust

Dec. 18, 2001, 02:04 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Midge:

It takes a big man to not be threatened by it. It takes a small one to try and excise it. Most men fall in between. If you have a big one, kiss the ground he walks on. If you have a small one, make tracks!

'If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?'<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Yes, I have refered to my horse as my boyfriend more than once! LOL, but I still refer to my husband as my boyfriend, so that's OK.
I'm a Saggitarius, married to a Gemini, and we both value our freedom! My time with the hoss, gives him personal time which he *must* have. He understands my need to do what I want when I want (basically) and I don't say anything when he goes out and doesn't come home til' dawn (except- don't cry to me about your hangover). But we love to spend time together; we're best friends. He thinks the horses are cute and funny and he respects riding as a *sport* and what can I say, his momma raised him right. But we both have our secrets. That's part of the package. He respects my "passion" with the horse thing and knows it's good for me. But I'm still a pretty well-rounded person. I'm into other things too. I wonder if I could handle it if he had a passion like that? I wonder if it would annoy me? I should remember that when I blab about horses.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

BGoosewood in Goosewood and therefore TweedleDEE

PromQueen

Dec. 18, 2001, 03:52 PM

KT....no offense, but the Bozo you describe sounds like a loser to me....and life's too short, you know? Funny how you never mention the word "love" in your posts....if you can make it on your own and be HAPPY, go for it, sounds like you put up with a lot for so long, I should think you deserve better....just my 2 cents.

Lucassb

Dec. 18, 2001, 09:04 PM

Hey there - some topic you've brought up! My goodness, I actually had to work these last few days and missed the start of this... took quite a bit of reading to get thru all the pages.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR> Do I wish hubby were on my side and supportive? Of course. But all of you answer honestly. If it REALLY came down to no horses or no husband, which would you really choose? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Well, as you know from my posts on your earlier bozo thread < /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif > I chose the HORSE. I probably could have "saved" my marriage if I had given up my horse, but frankly it wasn't worth it. However, every situation is different and I am not suggesting that it would be the right choice for anyone else.

If you choose to buy the horse and keep it secret, I think it is likely that you could pull it off. Not guaranteed, of course, but likely. Characterizing it as a lease, as you've considered, can also probably be accomplished without too much difficulty. Only you know what the cost will be if Bozo finds out somehow, and only you know whether you want to deal with the consequences should that occur.

I just wonder, though, if you've fully thought this whole thing through. Getting the horse - which frankly it sounds like you are MORE than entitled to - but keeping it a secret, makes it seem as though even *you* believe it is something that you are not entitled to.

I truly hope he hasn't done a job on your subconscious - making you think deep down, that you really don't deserve to have a horse. Guys who are controlling can be pretty good at that, and it is easy to fall into. On one level you look at the situation rationally and SAY "I deserve this" but deep down you really don't believe it. You know what I mean?

BTW, if you really are just staying in this marriage because he is unemployed and you do not feel it is appropriate to leave someone with no prospects, it is more than possible to separate or divorce and include a maintenance agreement in the settlement. I know that sometimes it is not feasible to do that and maintain two separate households on one income - but then again, it might spur Bozo to go out and GET a job, which presumably would be a GOOD thing.

If you DO elect to keep the horse a secret, I might suggest that you look into putting the ownership of the horse in a trust with yourself as the beneficiary but NOT the administrator. I don't know if you can do that with horses or not, but in real estate and other property cases it can protect you from personal liability and MIGHT shield the asset if you ever face a divorce. Or have your parents on the papers or something.

Circumstances can change and attorneys often advise clients to use emotional attachements as bargaining chips - better to be prepared in advance just in case.

I know of one (quite famous) horseman whose wife was awarded half the horses he trained as they were regarded as joint property. These were show horses for the most part, plus the odd retired horse etc. She arranged to have "her" horses sent to the killers - and there was nothing he could do about it. She didn't care about the money and would not sell them back to him nor sell them to anyone else. Just wanted to get back at him and knew killing the horses was the best way to do it.

**********
To appreciate heaven well
'Tis good for a man to have some fifteen minutes of hell.
Will Carleton (1845-1912)

Nikita

Dec. 18, 2001, 09:20 PM

I read this thread and the original one last night and it stayed with me all day today. Old saying, but until you've walked a mile in someone elses shoes.... well you know the rest. It's so easy for someone in a good, supportive relationship to gasp and say 'you can't do that!' but if you've been on the other side, trust me, it's amazing what you can and have to do.

KT, the best advice I can give you is to do what is right for you. You deserve some happiness and if a horse is going to provide that, do it. My first choice would be to tell him, not ask - tell - that you found a horse you have decided to purchase and would he like to come and see it and be a part of the transaction.

But if you prefer to keep the horse a secret, the lease idea is a good one or that you are going to part board or take care of a friends horse for a few months. If he asks why you are doing this, tell him that you want to see if you like and can handle horse ownership. If he does blow up that you're even thinking in that direction, you know you've made a wise decision for now. If he doesn't react too badly, you can always 'purchase' the horse a few months down the road.

Good luck with everything that you are dealing with... none of it is easy. But remember if you don't take care of you, chances are nobody else will.

Take care
Laurie

------------------------------------------------------

I'm not confused, I'm just well mixed.
- Robert Frost -

JennieColangelo

Dec. 19, 2001, 05:11 AM

i think that you should do what's going to make you ahppy, and if he doesn't see you.. smack him with an old horse shoe one day and say "THERE THAT'S FROMT HE HORSE THATI NOW OWN" hehe..

I've never been in the situation, i'm too young, but I am in "puppy love" with a guy who think's "horses are a dumb hobby" but after a month of refusing to hear a word about his band if he's going to sigh and make disgusted noises when I say anythign equine-related, he realized that I WOULD get rid of him if he was going to be like that about my horses... hehe.. and I won. He's coming with me to the farm x-mas eve on my traditional "Giving out carrots on x-mas eve" thing

Thanks,
Jennie

Oldenburg Mom

Dec. 19, 2001, 05:21 AM

You know, as usual, all you folks are right. Every single person has added a new point of view to consider, and that's what makes this BB a Martha Stewart "Good Thing".

It discouraging and hard to accept that someone whom supposed 'loves' you can make life so difficult.

This morning's example: RRB was out in his little turn out and it was raining yesterday. His blankie got soaked. Luckily owner yanked it off him and put it aside. So, I took it home, washed it and threw it over the clothes rack to dry. While he was driving me to work I asked him to DROP IT OFF at the laundramat and have someone there dry it. Reply? "Nope, horse stuff is your problem, won't do it." Didn't ask him to pay for it, didn't ask him to dry it, just drop it off.

You know, I think he's trying to make life so difficult for me I'll quit. That ain't me, folks. It just makes me dig my heels in harder.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>On one level you look at the situation rationally and SAY "I deserve this" but deep down you really don't believe it. You know what I mean? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

It takes someone who has been there to say this... and you know it's the truth. Screw it. You've made up my mind, Lucas. I have the support of the owner in case anything gets tough. She knows the situation and would accept him back without a problem if I get into trouble. I'd lose the purchase price, but that's ok. At least he'd be safe and sound and THAT's my only concern.

BTW, everyone who has responded. THANK YOU. Maybe there are lurkers out there who are in the same situation. Eventually, I will leave. But as we said in the previous thread Lucas,...

JUST KEEP RIDING!!!!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Just a thought...
KT

P.S. <<If you DO elect to keep the horse a secret, I might suggest that you look into putting the ownership of the horse in a trust with yourself as the beneficiary but NOT the administrator.>> Can I really do this?

BoldChance

Dec. 19, 2001, 04:06 PM

if things get rough and, theoretically, you ge ta divorce and as such you risk losing the horse, "sell" it back to the owner, since she's willing to take him back if need be, transfer ownership over, and then when everything settles down and he CAN'T take the horse and use it against you, "buy" it back.

In a way, a lot of what I've read sounds like, at the very base of it all, my dad. He tries to support my riding, but he can't understand it. He just can't figure it out one iota. I'm his daughter and he wants me to have what i really want (and thus, he bought me a horse thanksgiving day)

I'd imagine some guys would build on that lack of understanding, and try to control the amount of time spent with horse, and be jealous of it.

It seems like the easiest situation to be in is one where you already have the horse while dating, etc. Then it can be a take it or leave it situation before a marriage where things could get ugly if possessiveness and jealousy and so on and so forth come into play. The horse would come as a package deal...sort of like kids, if one of the people getting married already has kids.

heh. OTOH, I've only been in one relationship and it was bad enough at the end that I've no will to repeat any sort of relationship, so maybe I"m not one to talk.

*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&
Lindsay & Chance
"The problem is not that I am insane,
it's the everyone else is sane."
^^^^Proud member of the DCSC!^^^^
&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&

Lucassb

Dec. 19, 2001, 06:25 PM

KEEP RIDING is right /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

I am both glad and sorry that you could identify with the "really deserving it" observation. Glad because once you recognize it, you can change things - and sorry that it had an element of truth in it, because I know what a tough situation that is to be in.

I am really not sure whether you can do the trust or not. I've only done it with real estate and am not a lawyer. It was originally proposed to me as a safeguard for some rental property - the trust was designed to "hold" the ownership of that house - so for example, if someone fell on the steps and got hurt and sued, they could not come after *my* house or other assets. (The "owner" was the trust, and the property in that case was the "owner's" only asset.)

I know you have a lot going on now and hope you can find a way to enjoy this horse.

I also hope you keep in mind that life is short. No one can know what is right for you in your individual situation, but if you know what you ultimately want your life to look like - and it is different from what the picture looks like now - then there is no time like the present to start changing it.

Email anytime :>

**********
To appreciate heaven well
'Tis good for a man to have some fifteen minutes of hell.
Will Carleton (1845-1912)

serengeti36

Dec. 19, 2001, 07:40 PM

Another suggestion... if your parents are still around. Give them the money, have the horse in their name. A woman I know did that, well, actually her father bought her the horse, but anyway, when she divorced her evil husband there was nothing he could do, tried to count the horse as an asset but as her father owned it... nothing he could do.

marion

My treasures do not chink or glitter...They gleam in the sun and neigh in the night." -Bedouin Proverb

DebS

Dec. 19, 2001, 08:01 PM

I find his response to the blanket thing perfectly acceptable. Ye gads, if my hubby came up with a hobby that included errands and laundry - well, let's just say my support would be limited.

All I ask of my hubby is to watch the kids when I'm riding and to coordinate schedules so we can deal with any conflicts. I do the same for him with his hobbies.

I'm sure this goes deeper...but on that example I'm with the Bozo.

SLW

Dec. 19, 2001, 09:00 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by KT 1900:
Plus Bozo is unemployed. Hey guys, I'm not the bad guy here... I can't leave with him unemployed and the only happiness I have is my RRB.

Just a thought...
KT

[.]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Since he is not working it is a shame he can't run errands while you are at work. Kindness seems to be lacking. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

Louise has offered thoughtful comments for you. From what you have shared it sounds very distraught in the household and the horse is a resentment for whatever reason(s). Good luck with the decisions you make!

SLW

Magick

Dec. 20, 2001, 04:27 AM

Actually, I think if the husband isn't working and is being supported by KT1900 he should do the errands, even if they're horse related. My husband was laid off work for 6 weeks last year and he did all the errands, housework, etc.

As for keeping the horse a secret, I wouldn't do it (the fallout would be unbearable if nothing else). I know for a fact my H would hit the roof if I wanted to bring home another horse but he wouldn't actually stop me if I could afford to do it. He does however get up at 5.30am so he can come to the yard with me and help turn out the 3 horses I care for on top of my own mare (helps pay for her) so we can both get to work on time. He's also currently taking considerable grief at work as he's refused to work overtime as I need the car to get to the yard.

monstrpony

Dec. 20, 2001, 07:22 AM

KT, since the owner is understanding of your situation, why not try to work out a lease-to-own arrangement, just to give yourself some time to decide about your situation with Bozo, without putting RRB at risk of becoming a pawn in a divorce settlement. Just a thought.

Life on your own is survivable, and can be quite nice. Do what's best for KT, even if it's not what is simplest.

And whatever, we're behind you 100%!

Jennasis

Dec. 20, 2001, 08:16 AM

First off, KT you need counseling. You are referring to your husband (many many times, and probably rightfully so) as BOZO...not the sign of marital bliss.

You also NEED a horse. You need that happiness for yourself, something to call your own.

I have been there. I was married for 5 months...to a complete BOZO. I was unhappy, he was a jerk....he volunteered to buy me a horse (gee..maybe he wasn't so bad). I finally had something out of the relationship to make me happy. However he thought that buying the horse, bought him out of his responsibility to not run around till 2am with his friends whom I wasn't allowed to meet.

So two months after I got the horse, I gave him the boot. Yup, my marriage lasted 7 months. When we first sat in front of a lawyer (my lawyer), my ex announced that he wanted the horse back since I cooked up the whole marriage thing just to get a horse....yeah...he really said that.

My lawyer and I laughed so hard we nearly fell off our chairs. I had given him back the engagement ring and the wedding bands (as well as all the furniture and household items)...he was MORE than adequately compensated for the horse.

Two years later, I have my horse and my boyfriend (whom i live with) loves my horse to pieces. I think my horse likes him more than me! I took him riding with me and he comes to my shows and clinics. When we first started looking for a place to live together he suggested one town because "You'll be close to Phantom".

Life is too short to be unhappy. Don't hide anything. Get help.

(ps..my Bozo tried the same thing yours did. When I insisted we go to counseling for our brief and crumbling marriage (around month number 4) he said "no way". When I threatened to leave him he agreed. After 4 visits I asked him to help pay for the doctor. He said "No way...your the crazy one...YOU pay for it"

Apparently he now owns a home in the white trash section of Long Island with his new fiance and her son. I'm sure they're the perfect family.

gwen

Dec. 20, 2001, 08:19 AM

Jennasis....HEY I RESEMBLE THAT REMARK!!! THAT'S WHERE I LIVE!!!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Atleast you got something out of it....I'm going on 6 months and so far...GREAT!! No bozo for me!!

**Barb**

lilblackhorse

Dec. 20, 2001, 08:51 AM

I came to this party late too-had seen the post, and actually couldn't conceive that someone would keep a horse in secret. Although I sympathise, I can not fathom keeping a secret from my husband of 16 years. Plus, I am just really a good secret keeper, and how do you do it logistically? We have always laughed about couples who are unfaithful too-we live in a medium sized town-you run into people you know at the weirdest places!

Although I am only 39, I have had some health issues which have made me realize how precious life is-just like the 9/11 crisis, we don't know when our last day will be. For me, I don't want to be old and saying "I wish I had done this, or I wish I could have been..."...This is the one life that we have, and I, for one, and making the most of it. I don't want to die with regrets. KT, it sounds like your marriage is not a happy one, nor a trustful one. Counselling might help-for you or for both of you. It's not my place-however, I want to share this email I go the other day which sums up my thoughts-as a mother of two smallish children, my biggest lesson to teach them is that they are the captains of their own ships. YOU, and only you can determine your destiny. Bo and make a change-move on, move out, buy a horse, be free, be tied, whatever, but YOU own your destiny. And every morning is a new day in your life-I really liked this email, and I hope it gives you pause to see what is important in YOUR life. Good luck.

The Daffodil Story-
Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, "Mother, you must come
see
the daffodils before they are over."
I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake
Arrowhead.
"I will come next Tuesday, " I promised, a little reluctantly, on her
third call.
Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and so I drove
there. When I finally walked into Carolyn's house and hugged and greeted my
grandchildren, I said, "Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible
in the clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and these
children that I want to see bad enough to drive another inch!"
My daughter smiled calmly and said, "We drive in this all the time, Mother"
"Well, you won't get me back on the road until it clears, and then I'm
heading for home!"
I assured her.
"I was hoping you'd take me over to the garage to pick up my car."
"How far will we have to drive?"
"Just a few blocks," Carolyn said. "I'll drive. I'm used to this."
After several minutes, I had to ask, "Where are we going? This isn't the
way to the garage!"
"We're going to my garage the long way," Carolyn smiled, "by way of the
daffodils." "Carolyn," I said sternly, "please turn around."
"It's all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if
you miss this experience."
After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw
a small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand-lettered sign

that read, "Daffodil Garden.
"We got out of the car and each took a child's hand, and I followed
Carolyn
down the path. Then, we turned a corner of the path, and I looked up and
gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight. It looked as though
someone
had taken a great vat of gold and poured it down over the mountain peak
and
slopes.
The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns -- great ribbons
and
swaths of deep orange, white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, saffron, and
butter
yellow. Each different-colored variety was planted as a group so that it
swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue.
There were five acres of flowers.
"But who has done this?" I asked Carolyn.
"It's just one woman," Carolyn answered. "She lives on the property.
That's
her home." Carolyn pointed to a well-kept A-frame house that looked
small
and modest in the midst of all that glory.
We walked up to the house. On the patio, we saw a poster. "Answers to
the
Questions I know you are asking" was the headline.
The first answer was a simple one."50,000 bulbs," it read.
The second answer was "One at a time, by one-woman Two hands, two feet,
and
very little brain."
The third answer was, "Began in 1958."
There it was. The Daffodil Principle.
For me, that moment was a life-changing experience. I thought of this
woman
whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun --
one
bulb at a time -- to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure
mountaintop. Still, just planting one bulb at a time, year after year,
had
changed the world. This unknown woman had forever changed the world in
which
she lived. She had created something of ineffable (indescribable)
magnificence, beauty, and inspiration.
The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest
principles
of
celebration. That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one
step
at a time -- often just one baby-step at a time -- and learning to love
The
doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny
pieces
of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can
accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world.
"It makes me sad in a way," I admitted to Carolyn.
"What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal
thirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it 'one bulb at a
time'
through all those years.
Just think what I might have been able to achieve!"
My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way.
"Start tomorrow," she said.
It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to
make
learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to
only
ask, "How can I put this to use today?"
..Author Unknown

"If you haven't gotten where you're going,you probably aren't there yet."-George Carlin

Pixie Dust

Dec. 20, 2001, 09:02 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by lilblackhorse:
Plus, I am just really a good secret keeper, and how do you do it logistically? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

HEHEEEEEE, my husband is so oblivious! It's very easy to keep a secret from him! I bet I could stash his Christmas present in his study and he wouldn't notice. Oh, but I wouldn't keep a serious secret from him; somthing that he *should* know, but there are some things he doesn't really need to know; he's got enough on his plate.

The relationship KT described is sad. I hope she can either get out of it, or get it fixed (whichever she choses.) And keep the horse!
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

BGoosewood in Goosewood and therefore TweedleDEE

rhymeswithfizz

Dec. 20, 2001, 03:42 PM

Yes you CAN have your horse owned by a trust -- I'm no lawyer or anything, but the reason that I know this is that I actually bought my horse from a trust. Do look into it, it may be the safest way to protect your "investment" should the worst happen and a soon-to-be-ex-hubby try to exact his revenge on you by taking your horse. Any lawyers on this BB???

I also just want to give you a big HUG -- that sounds like a miserable situation. While Bozo may have his good points, in my opinion, a husband who is unsupportive and uncaring is not worth the trouble of keeping him happy.

It's not a matter of choosing between husband and horse -- it's a matter of accepting the way he is treating you or not. Whether it be a horse, children, gardening, whatever.... his attitude is absolutely unacceptable. Something has to change.

Good luck honey! Keep us posted!!

Oldenburg Mom

Dec. 21, 2001, 05:21 AM

monstrpony - what's a lease-to-sale agreement? I mean how does it actually work?

Jennasis - You made me laugh about the couseling. but I began to think of Dear Abby (LOL) instead of CotH!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif But I love the <> I've also heard the <<"No way...you're the crazy one...YOU pay for it">> line until I hear it in my sleep. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif As far as the white trash section of Long Island, goodness, I didn't know there was one. I thought everyone over there had massive $$$$! (Guess not.)

Lilblackhorse - I've been with Bozo 15 years... My current excuse for riding this horse is "the owner needs him exercised." so I'm seeing him practically every single day. Whether or not I buy him actually doesn't change my routine. It's just a matter of paperwork, and of course, responsibility. However, as Louise pointed out, what if something terrible happens. Well, luckily enough he's boarded with the current owner and I have no intention of changing that. Would I be hit with the bill? You bet. But someone who cares about him would be there, as a proxy if you will. Regardless of my relationship with Bozo, I could lease him for $2400... but it seems stupid if I could buy him for $2500. Aside from my petty problems your daffodil story is wonderful. And sooo true. All we have to do is start. What's that wonderful Chinese saying? THe longest journey starts with just one step. Thanks.

bgoosewood... hmmmm. I wonder if this falls under the category of something he "should" know, but doesn't "need" to know.

DLiz - Wow. Thanks for the HUG. It made me feel good. And you are right, right, right, right, right. Bozo does have his good points, believe it or not, but CAN BE unsupportive and uncaring.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR> It's not a matter of choosing between husband and horse -- it's a matter of accepting the way he is treating you or not. Whether it be a horse, children, gardening, whatever.... his attitude is absolutely unacceptable. Something has to change.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

This is true.

Just a thought...
KT

Oldenburg Mom

Dec. 21, 2001, 05:21 AM

serengeti & BoldChance - you both have about the same idea, and I can do either. Good thinking. BoldChance - yup, sounds like your Dad. I think Bozo wants to support it, but cannot under any circumstances do so.

Lucassb - ol' buddy, ol' friend. Good words, as usual, and I have to keep reminding myself of our old Mantra. Keep Riding! No matter how and no matter who (Just re-read this... oops. LOL I should say No matter how and no matter what breed or age. Anyway, you get my drift!!!)

DebS - if he were employed, I would agree. He's not. He's at home all day. Looking for work. He passes the place 20 times a day. Have to disagree with you on this one.

SLW - my thoughts exactly. Kindness seems to be lacking. How can anyone say "No" to such a simple request?

monstrpony - what's a lease-to-sale agreement? I mean how does it actually work?

Jennasis - You made me laugh about the couseling. but I began to think of Dear Abby (LOL) instead of CotH!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif But I love the <> I've also heard the <<"No way...you're the crazy one...YOU pay for it">> line until I hear it in my sleep. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif As far as the white trash section of Long Island, goodness, I didn't know there was one. I thought everyone over there had massive $$$$! (Guess not.)

Lilblackhorse - I've been with Bozo 15 years... My current excuse for riding this horse is "the owner needs him exercised." so I'm seeing him practically every single day. Whether or not I buy him actually doesn't change my routine. It's just a matter of paperwork, and of course, responsibility. However, as Louise pointed out, what if something terrible happens. Well, luckily enough he's boarded with the current owner and I have no intention of changing that. Would I be hit with the bill? You bet. But someone who cares about him would be there, as a proxy if you will. Regardless of my relationship with Bozo, I could lease him for $2400... but it seems stupid if I could buy him for $2500. Aside from my petty problems your daffodil story is wonderful. And sooo true. All we have to do is start. What's that wonderful Chinese saying? THe longest journey starts with just one step. Thanks.

bgoosewood... hmmmm. I wonder if this falls under the category of something he "should" know, but doesn't "need" to know.

DLiz - Wow. Thanks for the HUG. It made me feel good. And you are right, right, right, right, right. Bozo does have his good points, believe it or not, but CAN BE unsupportive and uncaring.

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR> It's not a matter of choosing between husband and horse -- it's a matter of accepting the way he is treating you or not. Whether it be a horse, children, gardening, whatever.... his attitude is absolutely unacceptable. Something has to change.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

This is true. And since it is unlikely to be him, very unlikely as a matter of fact, it is probably going to be me. And as I think about it a little bit more, maybe that is also one of the issues. I'm changing ... he's not.

Just a thought...
KT

[This message was edited by KT 1900 on Dec. 21, 2001 at 08:39 AM.]

4_beatin_it

Dec. 21, 2001, 10:03 AM

My first marriage was with a control freak, who, no word of a lie, regularly did the following;

-He would write me cheques(for his half) of our expenses so that I could then pay everything out of my bank account.
-Told me there must be something wrong with me that I felt I "needed" an expensive horse (his idea of a good horse was $1000-anything more was just for showing off)
-Any horse related errands were my problem and not his job
-Lessons were for idiots & trainers are shysters just taking your money(read that as HIS $$$), this usually when I had run short that week.
-Why would we spend any $$ on a shelter, when they have a perfectly good coat(Very wet, windy winters), only sickly horses need blankets.
-He preyed on my insecurities, and whittled down my self esteem and self reliance, so that I would look to him for EVERYTHING.
-Oh and my personal favourite, whipping the s**t out of my filly was "training", when it was brought to my attention he said "Your family is spying on me and everyone was stealing from me"(but that is another story)

Needless to say, I was not happy and got the hell outta Dodge...as quick as I could.

You are probably not going to want to hear this, but here goes: I have been there and done that, I hear your side....but this is what I see...

It all comes down to control, why should he find a job, when you are happy to support him and be his whipping post. You are catering to his version of "how life should be". By your own statements of not kicking a man when he is down.....(to hell with that, by the way), that is simply an excuse to not make a decision on YOUR life. He is a big boy, and it is up to him to make his way in the world.....just as you are a big girl, and it is up to you to make your way...AS YOU SEE FIT!

If you are not happy....do something about it! If you want the horse, get him. If it works best that you keep it a secret, then do so....but in your shoes, I would tell him "I bought a horse", let him get all worked up on it, and simply walk away.

Any man who cannot support me in what makes me happy, will not be in my life for long. I am now happily married to the best man on the planet, who not only supports me, but buys me horsey stuff! I would never have found out what was on the other side of the fence if I had not taken the chance and gone to see for myself.

I am so sorry if I seem overly harsh, but it sounds like you need something to wake you up, maybe telling him(and the resulting blowup) would be the catalyst that gets you on the path to your own self discovery.

For what ever it is worth, this is just my 2 cents.

Dec. 21, 2001, 10:10 AM

Yes I have to say, I would just tell him and take my lumps, especially if I was the one bringing in the money.

I was married to a control freak and miserable for the whole 10 yrs. Finally I decided to get a divorce and he stalked me and tried to murder me, finally broke into my house and committed suicide in my basement!

Anyway it's been 3 yrs, I have a wonderful boyfriend and we own a farm together.

I had to answer this because I was giving my widow's government insurance card to the dentist's office, and the lady asked me if I was a retired Federal employee.

I said no, I'm a Survivor!!

monstrpony

Dec. 21, 2001, 10:56 AM

I didn't have anything specific in mind when I suggested the lease-to-own idea. I know there are places that do this with appliances, computers, furniture, etc. but don't know exactly what kind of agreement they cook up. I guess you could make up your own--something that says you will pay so much per month for so long, and at the end of that you will pay some nominal balance to own, or just be basicly paying the purchase price over time. I just thought that if you were serious about buying him, but unsure about the situation with Bozo, it might be best not to have him in your name just yet, until you do decide. I suppose an arrangement with the owner to buy him back for $1 while you settle your property with Bozo, if and when that happens, would be just as effective.

It would just be a tragedy for you to buy RRB as an assertion of your selfhood, and then lose him in a property war.

PromQueen

Dec. 21, 2001, 02:24 PM

KT, I don't get it......There must be more to your story than you are letting on.....after reading some more of the posts, and your replies, I don't understand why a woman who is compassionate and thoughtful as you seem to be (to not want to diss him when he is down and out) and able to live comfortably on your own, want to continue to put up with everything that you are complaining about? Are you a glutton for punishment? Do you think he would care the same way about you if the tables were reversed? I guess not, since you refer to him as Bozo.....I think you seriously need help...Sorry if this is a bit harsh, but you need to wake up call..

Triple Crown

Dec. 21, 2001, 08:05 PM

Justducky, that does seem pretty harsh. Of course KT isn't spilling her whole life story...for everyone to read on a random BB! There is definitely a very limited amount that can be conveyed to strangers here so I think it is a bit out of line for anyone to judge her for staying with her husband.

Good luck with the new horse, KT!

/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

4_beatin_it

Dec. 21, 2001, 10:09 PM

she wanted opinions and suggestions...you take the good with the bad!

Gallop On

Dec. 25, 2001, 12:10 PM

As far as advice, you have had some great comments. All I can tell you at this point is happy holidays and land is still very cheap here in Natchez . . . . /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

JustJump

Dec. 26, 2001, 07:06 AM

and more about finding reasons to justify a decision that will either 1) postpone the inevitable or 2) even if it works, just add more strain to an already strenuous situation.

Reading your other thread, I thought it was kind of a light-hearted joke sort of thing--ironic and not really all that serious.

Reading this thread and finding out bit by bit that there are a ton of other issues you are (or aren't?) dealing with in addition to this horse thing (he is unemployed, you are his second wife, he has kids from a former marriage--and lord knows what else that you haven't for whatever reason let us in on), I realize now that you are serious!

You are a bit (not all that much, but a bit) older than I am...I can't begin to guess, and it's none of my business, why you married this guy 15 years ago, but it's clear that the ground rules you were happy with then do not apply now.

Have you asked yourself:

Whether you are more willing to accept less-than-ideal because you are less willing, as a person who entered into her [husband's second] marriage determined to make it work despite the odds (which, despite current trends in diversity- vis a vie mix and match marriages- were decidedly not in your favor)?

Do you feel genuinely attached to the man, and are unwilling to leave because of feelings of love toward him, or do you simply feel responsiblity for him, as one of the things you are "obligated" to be responsible for as part of your marriage?

Does he genuinely feel affection for you? Does he show it? Is he able to show it? Is he equipped emotionally to face the problems you BOTH face? If the answer to any of these questions is no, you are in a sinking ship anyway.

You are at an age when plenty of women (and men) look back, and decide they are going to take their lives back after fulfilling their responsibilities to others, and do what makes them happy because they figure they deserve it, and they might not get another chance.

I know there are people out there who do decide not to do something simply because they don't want to be seen as jumping on a bandwagon...but the numbers don't lie--there must be something to it, right?

Whatever you do, of course, will affect other people, and only you can decide how strong you are, and only you know whether you are lucky enough to be in a situation in which you have choices. Many are not so strong, and because of financial or emotional issues, don't have choices.

It's not bad to examine your situation with the help of others in order to determine a good course of action. But it can be very, very bad to use the discussion itself as a basis for postoning action or to find justification for a bad decision or series of decisions that in the end, will only weaken you as a person (not to mention weaken your position should you decide to change your mind at a later date).

Good luck, whichever choice you make.

Oldenburg Mom

Dec. 26, 2001, 08:14 AM

OMG, I'm surprised you're still compis mentis. You just keep goin' ... you're an inspiration. If you can do it, no matter what, I can too. You remind me what toughness really is: doing what you HAVE to do. You are one courageous human being.

4-beatin-it Oh, does your story sound like mine. The only difference is that Bozo has nothing to do with horses. Especially, "he preyed on my insecurities and whittled down my self esteem and self-reliance.." You cannot explain how this can happen to anyone, unless you've lived it. After all, at one point I loved this man. Now, I try to love him... my Mother has always said that sometimes love is just 'hanging in there' but at what price?

Also... "if you want the horse, get him. If it works best that you keep it a secret, then do so..." I'm going to print that out, and post it on my computer at work so I don't forget. That statement gives me some reassurance that this IS ok, given the circumstances.

Plus, "Any man who cannot support me in what makes me happy will not be in my life for long." More wise words.

dqwannabe - thanks. I have had some great comments. My family is from Natchez way back. Maybe it's time to go home.

justducky - Triple Crown has a point. I'm not spilling my guts on a BB. Perhaps, however, you should consider that issues are not as black and white as you appear to be reading them. I can only assume that this is due to your youth. This does not make your point of view any less worthwhile. It just means that people see things differently when they're 18 or 24 as opposed to 50 or 56. Neither point of view is wrong... it's just different.

JustJump - well, you have a point. But actually, I started this thread because in other topics, I had read where people had "secret" horses that parents, husbands, SOs, etc., didn't really know about. And, I was curious what problems or difficulties they had experienced.

UNFORTUNATELY, I got sucked into a personal discussion. It's easy with so many comments, whether sympathetic or not, to talk about a troubling part of one's life. When you get married it's with the hope that everything will last, you and your partner will be content, etc. etc. You cannot forsee what is down the road.

Having said all that, I HAVE made the decision to buy this horse. I am watching the costs now very carefully, and have figured out that it's costing me just about $35.00 a week to feed him--which I can easily afford. I'm considering insurance to cover any major medical problems... any comments on that?

Just a thought...
KT