Will SOMEONE please explain to me... [Archive]

FirstCry

Aug. 10, 2001, 12:24 PM

KT - Hum, approval at home, let me think a minute zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz what oh, I walk in the door after a lesson and have a conversation w/myself, whilst hubby sits on the couch slurpin a beer and belching. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Here is how my one sided conversation goes:

me acting as hubby: "so honey how was your lesson tonight?

me "oh honey thank you so much for asking. My lesson was awesome. (go on to explain lesson in detail, just to annoy him so he cannot hear the TV) /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

me acting as hubby: "thats great I really have to get out and watch you ride soon."

Yea like that will ever happen /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif
KT - you may borrow my Smith and Wesson anytime, but I must have it back soon, as I might be needing it in the near future.
/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 10, 2001, 12:26 PM

are we married to the same man?

Just a thought...
KT

FirstCry

Aug. 10, 2001, 12:29 PM

Could they be twins?? Oh my, two of em out there??? What is the world coming to. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Maybe we could hire a hit man and get a buy one get one free deal??? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 10, 2001, 12:40 PM

I'm in... (ok where do I send the cash????) Actually, we had better stop this. If (God forbid) something DID happen to one of them, they'd cite this thread... (don't worry, kid, I'd bail ya out.)

Seriously, FirstCry, I know exactly what you mean. Ok. I can understand if they aren't interested in horses. Yup, no problem. I'm REALLY not interested in baseball. But why harrass me about the time I choose to spend on my babies. Or am I just supposed to wait on him?

And all you lurkin' chaps out there... defend your sex!

Just a thought...
KT

learner

Aug. 10, 2001, 12:40 PM

I spent 5 years living with the 3rd one of these. It never got better. The final straw was him accusing me (in a rare moment of communication that didn't interfere with an important golf tourney on TV) of doing God only knows what with one of the instructors at the barn. Talk about a clueless individual.

Marriage & SO hood aren't in the cards for me. So many horses, so little time.

FirstCry

Aug. 10, 2001, 12:43 PM

KT Oh, if only. hehehe

Really, I'm not all that into boats either, (except of course to practice counting strides before a jump oh I mean wave.) But he went out and bought a boat 2 months ago. (without discussing it w/me) grrrrrr Well, at least now, he can go boating and I can go riding. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America

FirstCry

Aug. 10, 2001, 12:45 PM

learner - OMG - 3, oh please no. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America

Lucassb

Aug. 10, 2001, 12:45 PM

and found that was the ultimate solution to my (now ex-) husband's view of my obsession!! In fact, I have provided his number to several of my riding buddies who can vouch for the merit of his services <evil grin.>

Of course, I could have purchased a very nice amateur horse for what it cost me...

However, my ex's replacement is FABULOUS about the horse(s), happy to shop at the tack store, and shows up with all the right stuff (cold drinks and carrots) on a regular basis.

I highly recommend this model. Trade in and trade up, girls!!!

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 10, 2001, 12:54 PM

Can I test drive the replacement model? Or maybe I should just take that cute attorney out for a 'canter' <snort>.

Just a thought...
KT

Lucassb

Aug. 10, 2001, 01:03 PM

I admit that I am unreasonably possessive about the replacement model. However, he does have three brothers (!)

And oh, I would *highly* recommend the attorney. Have no idea about his horse-friendliness but would almost think that it wouldn't matter <gasp>!

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 10, 2001, 01:09 PM

I'm moving to Atlanta.

Just tell 'em I'm 36-24-36 and exactly 17hh. Think it'll work? How about 16hh? 15.3?

FirstCry - boat? think GOLF <gag> It's even more boring.

Learner - I'm waiting for that one (God only know what with one of the instructors) and MY trainer is a woman!

Just a thought...
KT

horsemad!

Aug. 10, 2001, 01:09 PM

...our husbands feel somewhat threatened by our horsie pursuits. My Dr. was good enough to tell my husband about a study he'd read that said 70+% of horsewomen polled said, given no alternative, would choose their horse over their husband! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

FirstCry

Aug. 10, 2001, 01:12 PM

I get the who have you been w/tonight all the time. specially after hes been drinkin /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

Hey KT, Golf, a waste of good pasture land I always say. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Wanna share the attorney?? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 10, 2001, 01:14 PM

WHY am I not surprised?

But hold on folks. Hasn't anyone found a way to deal with this... I'm dyin' here ladies. I need some serious help to get this guy off my case.

HAS ANYTHING WORKED, (short of Lucassb's cute attorney?) (Who, BTW, is sounding more and more attractive as this thread continues...)

Just a thought...
KT

Lucassb

Aug. 10, 2001, 01:15 PM

and check the "Barns in the Atlanta area" thread... you will see how social and friendly we all are down here!!

Toooooo funny about Learner's potential involvement w/ the trainer. My ex went that route too... I was laughing too hard to point out that as my trainer lives with another (extremely nice and very cute) *guy,* it was rather unlikely he'd be interested in ME!

Midge

Aug. 10, 2001, 01:15 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by FirstCry:
Could they be twins?? Oh my, two of em out there??? What is the world coming to. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Maybe we could hire a hit man and get a buy one get one free deal??? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

"I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving!" /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

AAJumper

Aug. 10, 2001, 01:17 PM

Well, my advice is to NOT encourage them to get interested in old motorcycles, unless you have a LOT of property. Mr.AAJumper became obsessed with restoring vintage dirt bikes thanks to my dad, and we have had as many as 11 motorcycles in various stages of "repair". Mostly they didn't run, were rusty, and taking up valuable space! Fortunately, he has slimmed down the herd a bit, but not before completely restoring a motorcycle in one of the rooms of our house!!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif It started out very innocently...he needed to store his newly powdercoated frame inside to protect it. Then slowly, when I wasn't home, things were added to the frame, until there was a complete motorcycle in the house! We almost couldn't get it out of the room when I finally insisted that it was time for it to live outside!

But I shouldn't complain...he doesn't bug me about spending too much time at the barn. Now, spending too much time on the BB...well, that's another thing!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

Midge

Aug. 10, 2001, 01:18 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by Lucassb:
My ex went that route too... I was laughing too hard to point out that as my trainer lives with another (extremely nice and very cute) *guy,* it was rather unlikely he'd be interested in ME!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I have not overly stressed the facts of the man situation to Mr. Midge. Helps keep him on his toes. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 10, 2001, 01:20 PM

This is so sad...

Yup, let's see if we can do a double-deal with him. We'll have him take of legal business between 9-5. After 5:00 hmmmm. Depends on his conformation... /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Wait, on second thought, just gimme a great sitting trot. Forget the guys.

Just a thought...
KT

horsemad!

Aug. 10, 2001, 01:26 PM

I'm actually very lucky... Mr. horsemad! doesn't begrudge my passion... possibly because he has a passion of his own (he deals antiques for his hobby). I try to take an interest in his hobby - go to antique shows, auctions, even garage sales (yuk!!!) etc. on occasion... and he comes up and watches my lessons once in a while - though he still looks at horses as BIG pets who just happen to not live at home.

Lucassb

Aug. 10, 2001, 01:33 PM

If I send the GQ lawyer any more business, I am going to insist on a volume discount!

Midge - ROFLMAO... Good point!!!!!

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 10, 2001, 01:35 PM

I'm a southern girl from way, way back (think Natchez ... we lost all our property & cash during the Civil War.)

<sniff> I'm going to go see my hay-burnin' darlin's and have a good ol' cry. :-(

Just a thought...
KT

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 10, 2001, 01:38 PM

Hey! I'd take motocycles in the house. Consider yourself L-U-C-K-Y!!! Who cares? As long as he's doing something and NOT bugging you.

Just a thought...
KT

neighsayer

Aug. 10, 2001, 01:42 PM

is that when we first started dating he was so into coming to see the horse. Now that we're getting married there is nothing more boring in the world. He doesn't understand that having my horse is like having another full time job and is a responsability not necessarily just a hobby. I think my continual bugging is starting to work. He's computer mad and spends most of his time in the office fiddling with the computer. I am trying to get him to understand that him being in there all the time is no different than me being at the barn. I think he finally got the hint the other night. We sit down to dinner....
Me- "Who are you and why are you eating my pasta?"
Him- "Huh? I'm you're finace and I'm eating dinner"
I get up and turn his head around so I can see the back of it "Oooooh!, Now I recognize you. I was thrown off by seeing your face and there wasn't a computer attached to you!"

/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

In his defense, he never begrudges the expense only the time. And when my horse was hurt this week and I was worrying about how to pay the vet bills he said if it needs to be done we'll manage.

http://communities.msn.ca/KristinSaunders/PhotoAlbums

Heidi

Aug. 10, 2001, 01:49 PM

Assuming that a marriage or relationship is a partnership of equals assuming an equal load of chores, et al., would it be verboten for me to ask what y'all wonderful women do for your hubbies and SO's? Are you ever guilty of being selfish and uncompromising? At any time are their complaints valid? Or are they all proof positive that men are dumb and selfish? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

"Mommy, does it really matter?" - Sumo toddler, age 3

learner

Aug. 10, 2001, 01:51 PM

Wow, I wish I could offer something helpful here. If his free time consists of watching sports on TV and drinking, I'd say now is the time to make separate plans. IMHO working on this is just rolling the rock back up the hill day after day. If he is just a TV addict, maybe there is some hope. My EX simply thought that my free time was supposed to be spent next to his highness on the couch making the beer runs as needed. I don't know how I managed to fit in the house with his ego taking up so much room and sucking up all the air.

On a brighter note, altho we don't consider time spent w/horses as a 'leisure (read spare) time activity', this is how your non horse person views it. My mom, now in her 70s still can't fathom how I can spend so much time in such a 'dirty' environment. From what I see of other folks w/non horse spouses, they either set aside the 'quality time' slot weekly to keep the relationship going or, & I do think this is better in the long run, they encourage their companion to get engaged in an activity that invokes their passion and sucks up huge quantities of their time that you can then safely spend w/your horse.

And based on the response to this thread, if you find something that works you should patent it and sell it!!

Lucassb

Aug. 10, 2001, 01:57 PM

What are you thinking!!!!

I would post what I do for my SO, but I think Erin would get mad. Let's just say, he frequently states that he loves the fact that I like to "ride." /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

"Hmmm, let's think about this," he'll say... "men think it is boring to go somewhere where all these cute girls are wearing tight pants and tall boots? I don't get it... hey, can you do more of that posting trot stuff?"

I dove into all that equal partnership stuff when I was married. Didn't work out too well. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif May just have been my ineptitude though - I waited on that man hand and foot. Not surprisingly, I then got treated like a poorly regarded servant (slave? I think that is what you call it when you don't get paid!)

I approached the whole matter very differently with my beloved SO. I get to be the girl, and he gets to be the guy. That means he carries the heavy stuff <grin>. And I do a lot of that posting trot stuff.

Works great!! And FUN!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Heidi

Aug. 10, 2001, 02:02 PM

ROTFLMAO, lucassb! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Though come to think of it, Hans has been insisting that I venture to the barn and ride - he really likes it when I do the sitting trot. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

"Mommy, does it really matter?" - Sumo toddler, age 3

Aug. 10, 2001, 02:26 PM

Theories:

1. Men expect to find their other possessions where they leave them. Why do wives have to move around?

2. Men want to be the center of their wives' lives. If the wife has a horse, that desire is clearly not fulfilled. BTW, some men are also jealous of attention given to dogs, hobbies, civic activities, girlfriends and even children.

My ex decided to take up golf - like, every night and all weekend. I scheduled riding ONLY for the hours he was playing golf. Was that satisfactory? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Please.

It's just a curse some men have. I blame the mothers, myself. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Midge

Aug. 10, 2001, 02:44 PM

Lucassb, I think we went to the same school! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

I'm lucky because I have most of my barn time while Mr. Midge is at work. On the week-ends, I will have a short ride on one day, and spend the other devoting myself to Mr. Midge, whether it's sitting on the couch cheering for the 'other' football team,(just to keep it interesting) or doing the, 'Honey, can you hand me the 5/8ths socket, please?'

We also share a hobby, so that works out, too.

Lucassb

Aug. 11, 2001, 09:06 AM

I do consider myself hugely fortunate this time around, as my SO actually likes to come to the barn and get involved. He doesn't care to ride but likes to watch and help... which is lovely because I am short (and lazy) while he is big and strong /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Also, he routinely shows up with drinks (cold or hot, dep. on weather) as well as snacks for me AND the pony... hugely popular with both of us.

And he bought me my Tad Coffin for christmas.

How could I *not* love a man like that?!?!?

I should mention that we also have quite a few other interests in common - and we do spend time pursuing them as well. And such a hardship it is, I tell you... having to go for another yummy pub breakfast to watch premier league soccer for an hour or two... /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Linny

Aug. 12, 2001, 01:43 PM

He golfs, I ride. The problem is what to do with the 19 month old source of all destruction.
Whenever I see a golf course all I can think of is cantering down the fairways, leaping through the sand trap and spashing through the water. My hubby's golf pals all start grabbing their chests like Fred Sanford as in "I'm comin' to join ya 'Lizbeth!!!" He won't let me talk to them any more. They are so protective of that blasted GRASS.

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 12, 2001, 03:13 PM

Learner - wow! someone else on this planet knows about Sisyphus, and boy ain't it the truth. Of course, if it was a question of the TV and the bottle, I don't think I'd hesitate. But he doesn't drink anymore.

PT - <<Men want to be the center of their wives' lives. >>

Yup. That's it. But excuse me, as we all know, this is NOT a dress rehersal. We've only got ONE shot at this and I'm not going to be a glorified waitress for someone.

But HEY! Ladies, wait, wait, wait.

As tempting as it may be to call Lucassb's appealing attorney, (albeit he's in Atlanta) we're far more clever and manipulative that these yo-yos with the square eyes.

Come on FirstCry... we CAN manipulate. Put your thinking cap on.

Just a thought...
KT

Lucassb

Aug. 12, 2001, 07:53 PM

in his steak and potatoes... "no, no honey, you go lie down if you are that tired... I'll just do the dishes <snore> OFF TO THE BARN!

Oh! sorry, probably that would not go over too well... hmmmm, maybe I am getting too attached to this lawyer (and I don't think he does criminal work /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif )

You know, there is just no way to have a rational conversation about this. My stepmother, whom I adore, has a great way of dealing with my Dad when he forgets himself and thinks about having her sit around watching him do something with a hammer or TV remote. She has this great expression that combines a very realistic degree of shock and horror. Sometimes she goes as far as laying her hand on her chest. "Excuse me, I'm sorry, you have a problem with WHAT????!?" Delivered in the same tone of voice that other people would reserve for commenting on something like "you have a problem with breathing?"

Works every time. I am totally in awe of her. And my Dad just adores her... can you say TRAINING??? This woman has the deal down pat!!!

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 13, 2001, 05:30 AM

I can say training... yup. Sure can.

Maybe I should join the Baby Greenie Support Group (share your pain!) over in the H/J area... I could probably get some great pointers.

Your Mother's comment is priceless... I'm already practicing in the mirror. A friend also has a classic when there's been a monumental screw-up: Oh, well. (inflection: down, up, down... hand choreography to follow.)

Just a thought...
KT

P.S. Since it was such a depressing weekend dealing with this dope, your comment made me laugh. Thanks.

Canter

Aug. 13, 2001, 05:39 AM

LCR Scott and I are forever comparing our non horsey husbands errr... mystification over our love of horses. The only thing that we've concluded is that apparently we are married to the same man. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

lisa

Aug. 13, 2001, 06:08 AM

I rode for 4+ years and was on my second horse before hubby ever set foot on the barn property, or went to a show, or did anything but gripe about how much money/time/energy I spent on/with the horses. To which I told him never, ever make me choose... /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Then our daughter started riding and showing. Of course he went. I finally had someone to talk to about the horse obsession (Rachel). He, who is very athletic anyway, decided he had to see what we were talking about -- after all, just how hard could this be?

He is now hooked. He has a horse (my AA hunter). He shows ($$$). He needs horsey things ($$$). We have three horses boarded ($$$). He wants a new horse ($$$$$). We argue about things we never argued about before.

On the up side, he doesn't question the need for preventative care (Adequan), or other routine vet/chiro/massage visits. No problem if other horsey things are needed. New saddle, pads, boots, fly spray, etc., whatever. Which is a Good Thing.

But... in general, we spend 1/3 more money. It adds up, believe me. I'm selfish, though, I must admit. It is nice to have something in common with the person I might have had nothing to say to after the kids are gone... /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 13, 2001, 07:26 AM

Canter - does he watch sports on TV all the time? Including bowling? How do you and LCR Scott deal with 'em? (BTW, they may be related to mine, FirstCry's and Learner's ex.)

Lisa - Are you kidding? Apparently, you live in paradise... I bet YOU don't get comments about smelling "horsey." But I shouldn't be surprised. Afterall, Lucassb seems to have everything tied up very well, and she lives in GA too!

Just a thought...
KT

Merry

Aug. 13, 2001, 07:50 AM

Gee, I feel like I'm late coming to the party! What a great topic and some insightful-- if not humorous-- responses! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

My husband knows exactly where he stands in my life: Second in line, right behind the horses. We just don't speak of it. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

My advice? Get your husband or SO a hobby that requires some real investment of his time and passion. Then make sure you encourage him to partake of the hobby, oh, say, when it coincides with an upcoming horse show!

"Charter Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America"

coco

Aug. 13, 2001, 08:23 AM

I posted this link on another similar thread, but for those who missed it, I find the (difficult) truth here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5069_qa.html

If your S/O is not horsey, what's the point? /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 13, 2001, 11:29 AM

You didn't really think you were going to escape that easily, did you?

If you really ARE a "Charter Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America" then you should have some great insights into how to train an errant "baby-green" husband. (LOL)

Afterall, I've been at this only about two and a half years. Doesn't that qualify me--or at least my husband--for the group? Huh? Huh? Huh?

As far as your 'ignore it' technique, that's what I've been using for the past two years! This garbage has been increasing for the past couple of months... and Friday, he blew a gasket!

Just a thought...
KT

[This message was edited by KT 1900 on Aug. 13, 2001 at 02:49 PM.]

[This message was edited by KT 1900 on Aug. 13, 2001 at 02:50 PM.]

learner

Aug. 13, 2001, 12:31 PM

I've been trying to ignore this thread since I don't have much helpful to offer. I can't even describe how happy I've been since the SO & I went our separate ways. But now I've at least got to ask, what was last Friday's main event that pushed you into the voids of BB madness?

If it is too personal I'll understand.

And hey, how is the riding going? I got ejected Sunday morning simply asking for a trot from a walk. School horse with prior history, but a strange experience nontheless. Can hardly wait to ride again Tuesday. Anyway,don't be expending too much energy on the hubby scene, keep those priorities straight. HORSES 1st!!

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 13, 2001, 12:53 PM

As follows -

Under extraordinary circumstance I had to have a training session very, very late,... and since the barn is a bit of a hike, hubby started screeching about how absurd it was that I was going to all these lengths, I was killing myself, I'm obsessed with horses, I need a psychiatrist, yada, yada, yada, yada, ad infinitum. <yawn>

Well, the scene quickly deteriorated to the 'D' word being liberally thrown around and general unpleasantness. Of course, this all had to happen when I was at work! /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif <cut: entire office staff grouped around my office wall, each with their ears smashed against cups against wall.>

Please explain, in detail, how wonderful single life is. <KT tries desperately to contain drool>

Riding, yup, keep those priorities straight (unless you're doing a 20 meter circle, and then keep a slight bend. LOL)

Just a thought...
KT

learner

Aug. 13, 2001, 01:11 PM

Went back and reviewed posts. (Don't cha love us detail types?) Looks like you've got a job, kids are out of the house, you don't sound emotionally tied to mister wonderful... To quote a wise person from another thread "I find that we older folks are much more driven. Maybe because we realize we have fewer options, and less time." Kinda relates well here, doesn't it?

At the very least, it sounds like now is the time to explore your options, put your finances in order and envision how you would like to live the rest of your life. Sounds like you aren't the dominant partner or even an equal player in the relationship. At the very least this needs to get fixed. The older I get, the less patience I have with folks who seem bent on making my life miserable.

And I'm not even going to delve into the happy details of single life, like doing pretty much what I want when I want, spending MY money however I see fit (OK, most of the $s right now go to daughter's college tuition), having cereal for dinner (or skipping dinner) if it suits my mood...

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 13, 2001, 01:21 PM

Wow, I'd hate to compete against you...

How can you be so thorough... <gag> Don't you know the most heinous sin (aside from saying, "I told you so") is quoting someone's own words back at them?. How COULD you. Anyway, that wasn't me. That was some other KT 1900 (lousy BB.)

Anyway, this is deteriorating into a "Dear Abby" dialogue. E-mail me... kt_1900@hotmail.com

Just a thought...
KT

Heidi

Aug. 13, 2001, 06:53 PM

I didn't realize that yesterday was our 12th wedding anniversary until my best friend called from New York to wish us a delightfully lusty anniversary. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif I'd been up since 5:00am preparing and driving to our daughter's soccer tournament and, disoriented as my brain was, it had clearly escaped my mind -- egads, I hadn't even ventured out to pick out my anniversary present. Hans, on the other hand, remembered and waited with bated breath for me to instruct him on my choice of gift -- shockingly, for the first time in 12 years, I didn't remember to be selfish. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Though our anniversary has typically marked the annual (actually, daily) realization that I'd marry Hans all over again, it has occurred to me at times that marriage is an unnatural state; at the same time, I do believe that you should be with that person without whom you cannot live.

Marry/share a life with your best friend, your soul mate, the person who makes you feel complete. We horse-women are all fabulous - any man would be damned lucky to have us in their lives. Get what you deserve and please do consider that life is too short to be with mean, selfish, stupid, insecure and domineering men.

Good luck!

"Mommy, does it really matter?" - Sumo toddler, age 3

TuxWink

Aug. 13, 2001, 08:10 PM

I feel very lucky reading this thread. My husband is very supportive of my riding. He likes horses, he just isn't as focused on training and competing as I am. He also doesn't have a lot of time to ride because he travels a lot for his job (think weeks at a time) and works long hours when he is in town. So riding to him is a weekend/leisure activity. He took weekly lessons for a couple of years, and he is happy with his level of riding for now. At first it was hard for him to understand why I couldn't be happy with such a casual approach, but I think he's just accepted that I'm slightly horse mad and that no riding = grouchy wif.e /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

I don't pressure him to come to shows either - sometimes he comes, sometimes he doesn't. He's always eager to hear about the show and to see my videos and photos, though. It is just a different mentality - to me horses are a sport and to him they are a hobby that he enjoys when he has the time. At fist he was worried about the money required for my (our /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif ) horse, but we agreed to save a set amount of money every month, and as long as the horse expenses don't cut into that it is fine.

I think he is realizing that he is lucky that I am so "independant" as my Mother-In-Law and own family euphamistically refer to it. I don't sit at home and gripe about him working late...I stay at the barn and ride an extra horse or two! When he's out of town I'm not out clubbing...I'm at a horse trials slaving away under 10 layers of dirt and going to bed at 8:30pm! I refuse to buy a designer purse, shoes, car...do you know how many lessons I could have for that amount of money?

Anyways...I've rambled enough. It sounds like your man isn't just falling short in his attitude towards the horse. If you guys don't have OTHER interests in common or like spending any time together, it sounds like he has driven you towards spending all your free time with the horses!

FirstCry

Aug. 14, 2001, 11:35 AM

I'm back!!!!!

KT / Learner- yup, we need to learn new training techniques, if we want to stay in our respective relationships. (if salvageable) /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

When I got married (7 years ago August 20th), my hubby was totally supportive of my riding. Then after about a year, he turned into this possesive person. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Whenever he starts drinking, he stays out until 10pm or later. Me and my son are home. He comes in and wants to know who was in the house, what guys were there etc yada yada. Now, mind you, I have never given him any reason to doubt me. Aside from staying at the barn for hours, which he cannot comprehend. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

I'm hoping, now that he has his boat, it may get a little easier. who knows. I can only hope. If I could leave him, I probably would, but financially I can't right now. I starting to put my ducks in a row. I have decided to sell my horse (one less expense) Of course, I still have lots of greenies to ride and show at my trainers barn. And I figure once my son is older and requires less of my time (5 more years) I will be able to purchase another horse. But until then, I am saving my $, and preparing myself for the enevitable (sp?) big "D".

I given up almost 10 years of my life to my hubby. I can no longer take it emotionally. The horses are the only thing that has saved me and my sanity thus far.

I feel it is time for me to move on. KT, you said you've been married 2 years?? The only thing I can say is give it all you've got to make it work, and you will know when you can do no more. Communication is a BIG thing, if you can get your hubby to sit and listen, and also listen to him. I have tried with my hubby, but to him it is black and white no gray areas, no comprimising at all. His way or no way. /infopop/emoticons/icon_mad.gif

Ok, I'm rambling here. You will all know when I finally make the break. I'll have a big party and invite ya'll. Hopefully sooner than ya think. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 14, 2001, 05:56 PM

No, sweetie. I've been with Bozo 15 years. I've been RIDING for two and a half. :-)

More later, I hear his footstep on the stairs (quick hide.) And don't forget to delete all those entries in Ctrl H (history).

Just a thought...
KT

FirstCry

Aug. 15, 2001, 10:31 AM

KT - 15 years?? /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif egads thats twice as long as me. OK, how have you survived so long??
So you call yours Bozo?, hehehe , me and my friends call my hubby the big prick. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

Get this one, hubby grandfather is basically going home to die. (He is 80 years old and would not survive another open heart surgury, he has had several mini stokes in the past few months)He lives in Flordia, I told him he better go down to see him. Hubby's grandmother has offered to pay for flight and expenses. Hubby says he'll go when he is ready, maybe in Sept sometime. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif What a complete A$$ /infopop/emoticons/icon_mad.gif God forbid, he can't leave me home alone, God knows what I'll do when he is away. Now hes telling his grandmother he wants me to go too, I wasn't informed of this or even asked. /infopop/emoticons/icon_mad.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_mad.gif

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America

Lucassb

Aug. 15, 2001, 10:40 AM

I will tell you KT & First Cry, that my first hubby was *very* enthusiastic about the horses when we were dating - and we dated for FIVE years. He even bought me my current horse when I had to donate my last one. For the first year or so that we were married, he would even come out to the barn once in a while, came to shows etc. However, as time went on, he became more and more annoyed at the time I spent at the barn (which hadn't changed) and he grew really cranky about the money I spent (all of which I earned myself, mind you - he never paid a penny.)

While I am sure it was not the only factor in the demise of our marriage, frankly, the horses were a major issue. And I got really tired of fighting about it all the time - all the snide comments and dirty looks that I got every time I went riding or even picked up a copy of PH. This from a man who traveled 5 days out of seven and was frequently gone longer - not like he was sitting home alone! (Actually he wasn't alone on the road, either, as it turned out, but that is another story... )

My current SO is a world of difference, and I was *very* upfront about the whole horse thing with him - as in, this is not negotiable, it is very expensive, it is very time consuming and did I mention it is not negotiable??? His comment was "thank you for sharing your horse with me; I know how much he means to you." The day I put his name with mine on Chester's stall plate, I thought he was going to cry. He treats Chester like a beloved child and is constantly doing little things to support my riding and showing. (Along with not so little things-)

The difference this support has made in my life is indescribable. Such joy to have someone eagerly ask "when is the next show, how did the lesson go, or do you want that fancy new pair of breeches? They would look great on you!!"

There was a time when I thought the D experience was impossible to get through. Now, I can't imagine going back to that miserable existence!

Aug. 15, 2001, 10:42 AM

coco - interesting POV on the link you posted. Soooo - guess that means my SO(s) better get themselves interested in horses PDQ! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Of course, I did have one SO who said he wanted to learn more about horses to share my interest. We went to the barn and the first thing he saw was a stallion dropped down. SO last seen running not walking for his car....

Heidi - "We horse-women are all fabulous - any man would be damned lucky to have us in their lives. Get what you deserve and please do consider that life is too short to be with mean, selfish, stupid, insecure and domineering men."

AMEN!

FirstCry

Aug. 15, 2001, 10:55 AM

Unfortunately, by hubby wants nothing to do w/horses, they smell. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif He'll make a annual visit to the barn maybe once a year, touch the horses nose and leave. He actually did come to my first horse show this year /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif . Stayed for 1 hour and left. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America

Lucassb

Aug. 15, 2001, 11:26 AM

Just had to chuckle when I saw your post... my friends used to refer to my ex as the LITTLE prick! (And yes, he *was* short... napoleon complex, anyone?)

Seriously, I have been where it sounds like you are. If you ever need a shoulder, or a chat or whatever... email me anytime. Hang in there!

I am living proof that things can and DO get better when you take action.

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 15, 2001, 11:48 AM

But I'm so relieved I'm not alone.

And I'm so A-N-G-R-Y /infopop/emoticons/icon_mad.gif I've put up with this... and all you others too, especially YOU FirstCry. At least mine doesn't drink (he doesn't work, but that's another thread.)

TuxWink, I don't spend a ton on clothes... I don't buy anything (except underwear) anywhere else but e-bay (great for Ferragamo shoes!!!!) The only jewelry I have was given to me by my Mother (no engagement ring) including my wedding ring.

FirstCry, I am so close to just 'bolting' (hahaha I forgot it was a horsy word.) Think Atlanta and Lucassb's SO's 3 brothers (or attorney) or even better, Virgina (whoop, whoop, whoop.) Cheap land, jobs in DC and great horseflesh! We could start a home for emotionally abused equestriennes. Children of all ages welcome. Men are allowed to visit ONLY with a court order, or if they've been vetted by the 'Board of Directors' (and let's get some real b*tches for the board LOL)

Lucassb you can be a charter member as long as you bring your acceptables along. <leer>

pt - LOL - I'm still trying to catch my breath from laughing so hard...

Just a thought...
KT

[This message was edited by KT 1900 on Aug. 15, 2001 at 04:38 PM.]

Lucassb

Aug. 15, 2001, 12:37 PM

All I can say is "GO for it." You only live once.

And I will happily serve on the BOD... Would you like a B*tch reference from my ex? I can send you several pages of the court transcript where he repeated that description in great detail more than once!

<sigh, such happy memories... he was soooo MAD!>

And of course I am happy to introduce my friends to any of the acceptables that I've vetted... though in fairness as far as "the brothers" are concerned, I got the cutest one...

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 15, 2001, 01:16 PM

I can't stop laughing... I'd love to see the b*itch reference from your ex. In fact, let's FRAME it for the entrance way to the EAEq's home to scare off any potential troublemakers. And right next to it we could have a picture of pt's dropped stallion. I think I'll start a new thread for the caption... (LOL)

As far as getting the cutest one goes, WHO CARES? If the others are even half-way as tolerant of horses as your Mr. Wonderful, they'll be snapped up in no time.

As far as bolting goes, don't push. I'm so close now it's not funny.

FirstCry --- where are you????

Just a thought...
KT

FirstCry

Aug. 15, 2001, 01:25 PM

I'm here, I'm in. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Virgini here we come, ready or not. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif But now I must go home for the day. (only access to computer is work) soooo, must pick up son and go get McDonalds for dinner. yea!!!!! The A$$ wont be home until atleast 10 ish, so Its a beautiful day, cause I'll be in bed sound asleep. ahhhhh, no altercations tonight. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif But tommorrow is another story, as tommorrow is HORSEY night for me. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif My son stays over and his Grandmas tommorrow night. yea. Have a good evening all and I will check back in tommorrow.

Thanks for all your support. I feel so much better knowing its not just me or my fault for this mess I made. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America

Lucassb

Aug. 15, 2001, 01:39 PM

<grin> I told my lawyer at the time, that those 20 minutes I got to watch my ex squirm and rant and rave were worth *every penny* that I'd had to pay for the divorce (which for various reasons cost me a fortune PLUS three years of my life.)

It was especially fun since it happened in front of his new "wife" (the former girlfriend who he married a year and a half before we were divorced /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif)

As she watched, the judge asked him "So, can you explain to the Court why you have not paid your former wife ANY of the money which the Supreme Court ordered you to pay?!" Oh yes, we went all the way to the (state) supreme court.

And there he was, pounding his little fists on the stand saying "Because it is JUST NOT FAIR! She's a B*TCH and I DON'T WANNA!!!!! This isn't over! That's why I came to court today, I want JUSTICE!"

And so my lawyer says, very calmly, "So it is your position, Mr. ___, that this divorce is not final? That you are continuing the legal process here? You're here because it's not over?"

And The Dummy responds "Absolutely! It's not FAIR! She's lied! She's a B*tch! It CAN'T end like this!!! I'm not gonna write her that check!"

And (I swear my lawyer winked at me at this point) my lawyer stopped for a second, looked puzzled, turned back to the "audience" part of the courtroom... and says "I'm confused here, Mr. ___. I understand that you have gotten remarried. How long have you been married to your current wife?"

Dead silence. I thought my ex was going to pass out. Couldn't decide which was more fun to watch, him or HER. And there she was ... not only freaking out that she was NOT LEGALLY MARRIED but as it turned out... also pregnant.

I kid you not.

I thank God every day I am no longer married to that jerk. And actually, I feel pretty sorry for her. She obviously thought she was getting quite a prize... he can be a real charmer when he wants to. It is only afterward that you see his slimy, self centered true character.

Anyway...

I am thinking we could auction off "the brothers" to raise money for the EAEq house...I will have to tell J. that I need some "conformation shots" of his siblings; he'll be thrilled...

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 15, 2001, 04:58 PM

To quote Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" "I liked it so much I almost peed in my pants."

I'm so hysterical laughing I can't type... Hahahahaha... oh please. You don't have a TAPE of this do you ... hahahahahaha Oh. Whooo. Boy. <KT wipes tears away along with Tammy Baker smears of mascara> Let me draw breath. Oh goodness. I'm gonna die... <KT slowly recovers, having to explain to Bozo why she's laughing so hard.>

Moving right along,...

We're waiting for the conformation shots of the brothers (do any of them read CotH?)... or have you listed them under the "Sport Horse Breeding" topic, hmmmm? Oh heck. Just list the ebay numbers right here...

Thanks for sharing, I'm still smiling. Oh, and I don't think I could beat that story in a million years.

Just a thought...
KT

[This message was edited by KT 1900 on Aug. 16, 2001 at 12:02 PM.]

Heidi

Aug. 15, 2001, 05:21 PM

FirstCry, you and Louise weren't able to make the trek to Toronto but I'm thinking that y'all need to make the drive up shortly.

Leave dinkus behind, bring your son if you need (he'll be more than happily occupied by my video-game-playin' 9 year old son) and come and have a girlie weekend and reclaim yourself. After all, Louise is still holding my Puckers captive. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Email me with a good date - but do know otherwise that you are more than welcome to cross the border and retreat at my house.

Non-smoking incentive: I must, I must, I must, I must increase my butt!

Pat

Aug. 15, 2001, 06:13 PM

The horses are his! Mike does think I'm a little obsessed, but at least he can understand why.

He's truck obsessed. He should have been helping me pack today and instead he was tinkering with the tractor trailer. You know, the one that hasn't been down the driveway in 2 months and won't again until we move! Sometimes the tractor and the 6-horse seem like the "other women", but they do make thier own way.

Try to get more involved with something he likes and that might help. I now can tell the difference between a dually, an International straight truck, a Kenworth tractor and an International tractor by the engine sound alone. Sad, but true.

TuxWink

Aug. 15, 2001, 06:41 PM

KT...it definitely sounds like the problem is his, not yours. You are certainly not jeopardizing his money, time or sports with your committment to the horses. I wish you the best of luck. Just remember that life is too short to be unhappy!

Flash44

Aug. 15, 2001, 06:42 PM

/infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif Give him what he wants a least 3 times a week and he'll leave you alone. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

subk

Aug. 15, 2001, 06:46 PM

But what do you really want?

I consider my husband very supportive of my hobby, he only grumbles when he sees the check book or when I ride on a weekend. He has seen one lesson in 10 years and has never been to a show. I make a point of getting out of my britches and dirt before he comes home. I rarely have horsey discussions with him--in fact I make a point of NOT bringing up the latest on the horse. I avoid horsey home decor and socializing on the weekends with other horsey people.

Obviously he does not ride. But he pays the bills, gives me the freedom to persue my hobby AND watches the kids when I'm gone on the weekends. I consider myself pretty lucky. And having a part of my life that does not involve horses is kind of nice.

He would love to have 3 hours a day to persue his hobbies. I do and make a point of not throwing that in his face. Is it manipulative? Maybe. I also make a real point of being able to at least talk about his hobbies and occassionly do those with him. Although when he bought me a shotgun for Christmas I just smiled--then got him a painting for Father's Day. He's a quick learner.

I suppose I've lied too. He was dramatically bemoaning some business problem. I told him if he wanted to sell the house for start up capital for a new business I'd sell the horse because I was sure I could get enough for him to buy a double wide and maybe even a few acres to put it on. It really threw him for a loop and I was safe knowing he'd never agree to living in a house trailer. But I sure scored some points!

My suggestion: your horse is your hobby, why be dissapointed if it's not your husband's. If the horse is #1 fine, but you've got nothing to gain by flaunting that in your husband's face, so don't.

It all works for us because I know that he knows as much of a pain and expense the whole horse thing is I am a more interesting companion and a better person because I have this passion. (Passion being his word.)

Hope this helps. sbk

Lucassb

Aug. 15, 2001, 07:38 PM

I am glad I could make you laugh. It really was priceless - I would give *anything* for a video... well, I can laugh about it now. At the time when I was getting dragged from court date to court date, it was much *less* fun.

However, I look back now and could *kick* myself for staying with him as long as I did and for letting him change how I felt about myself and my abilities... he did a number on my self esteem, although I couldn't see that then. It took a while, I can tell you!

Anyone in that situation is welcome to email me anytime - I have been there, and I am a good shoulder to lean on if you need it. And did I mention I have a terrific (and very sharp) attorney?!?!?!

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 16, 2001, 06:29 AM

Been there, done that. Doesn't work. Kinda fun though... <grin>

Just a thought...
KT

beameup

Aug. 16, 2001, 07:48 AM

to be so miserable. i learned that a long time ago. when my ex and i went to court he behaved like such an a-hole his own lawyer asked the judge if he could be excused from the case. The judge allowed him to leave then turned to me and said "Okay, little lady, now what would you like me to do for you?" my ex died 2 years after our divorce (i think it was the results of a curse i put on him - oh no! is that considered murder? oops!)
the point is my new hubby is a great guy, so there's hope. good luck!

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 16, 2001, 08:59 AM

I have my own $$$, and I have my own v. well paid job... this is where the funds come in. He's got nothing to complain about there.

What I really think it comes down to, aside from all the jokes and wiseguy remarks on this thread, is that although I am married, I am not a servant to him... or to anyone, including my job, or my family. I am a PERSON. I have hopes, dreams, and desires. And sometimes, these do not coincide with his wants/needs.

So. Who comes first? Well, he wants to come first and that just isn't going to happen. At least not all the time. I've picked up this sport after dabbling in it for YEARS, and my trainer (God bless her!) has told me I actually have a lot of talent. So you know what? I've only got one chance left to throw myself into this and see how good I really am (I'm an aged rider LOL.)

This is probably really the issue, for ALL of us... and for married women involved in sports/businesses across the country. And there is no easy answer. Do I want a divorce. No, of course not. What I want is for Bozo to stop ACTING LIKE A BOZO! That may not happen. And you know what? If he doesn't stop, well, I guess I'm heading off to Virginia (or Atlanta Lucassb-get ready!) And the sad part is he'll be the loser because he just couldn't back-off.

Try to "walk a mile in my mocassins", Subk. Someone tells you you have a great deal of natural ability in *whatever*. How far do you push? What sacrifices do you make? It's a tough call no matter which way you go... and I don't think I'm the only one trying to make it.

Just a thought...
KT

FirstCry

Aug. 16, 2001, 01:44 PM

No KT, you are not the only one.

Its a very tough call. Why can't our hubbies just accept us as is and not try to change the person that they married. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif

There is no easy answer and no quick fix. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif Just keep riding.

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America

Heidi

Aug. 16, 2001, 02:14 PM

I suspect the problem with some men ranges beyond their discomfort with their wives' chosen 'hobby'.

A selfish, unsupportive man also fails to help around the house or assist with the children, they're irresponsible, small-minded, lazy, and generally miserable people who leave one wondering, 'why the hell did I ever marry you?'.

Their lack of support for equestrian pursuits is representative of their general selfishness within the marriage.

Non-smoking incentive: I must, I must, I must, I must increase my butt!

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 16, 2001, 07:04 PM

You and me, Pard. When I get down, you just remind me:

Keep Riding!

And, I'll do the same for you.

BTW, can you tell I've just come back from the barn? My lesson was GREAT, my trainer is outstanding. Bozo is asleep on the sofa (watching a football game no less) ... and to quote Randy Newman...

My life, is GOOD. (that may be getting a bit carried away, but at least for right now, my life doesn't suck.)

Just a thought...
KT

FirstCry

Aug. 17, 2001, 11:52 AM

You got it KT.

I am also in a pretty good mood. Horseshow weekend!! Wooo Hooo, All day Sat and Sun, nuthin but horses. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif My son will help me Sat with the preparations, and he will stay overnight at Nani's (his greatgrandmother) and she will bring him out Sunday to watch Mommy ride. Hubby doesnt have to lift a finger. But the sad thing is that I have to do this in order to spend the w/e at the barn without hubby havin a fit. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

Oh, well. I can't wait until the show. This is the third show in a series of 4 and the last 2 I was reserve in the 1st show and Champion in the 2nd show. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

KT- our new motto that must be tatooed upon our chests. "Keep Riding". ahhhh wait a minute maybe not the chest. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Around our wrists like a braclet. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America

Bumpkin

Aug. 17, 2001, 05:07 PM

but sometimes I think I love my horse more.
Especially when my husband gets very abusive about what I do in my time or with my money.
My mother has been very ill for the past year, and I lost an older brother very recently.
I found Elliot when all this was happening, and my time with him is like the most valuable time I have anymore.
I cherish every moment I have riding him, and I would just die if I did not have that.
When I was pondering on if buying a horse was the thing to do my dear mother from her hospital bed, told me to go for it. So I did /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Lucassb

Aug. 17, 2001, 08:11 PM

And Keep Riding!

When I was in the depths of despair over pretty much my whole life (Divorce will do that to you!) my horse was my sanity.

Everybody said "you have to sell the horse; you can't afford it right now. Later you can get another horse."

I decided to keep the horse. Therapy was just as expensive, not half as much fun, and I liked my horse better than the therapist anyway!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

Sooooo glad I did.

Glad to hear that there will be a fun weekend for all!

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 18, 2001, 04:46 PM

Welcome to EAEq thread... (see above)

I'm sorry about your Mom, especially since I am so close to mine; losing your brother must have been so difficult on top of your Mom's illness.

FirstCry... Go get 'em, Tiger. I've got a weekend lined up that's not quite as wonderful, but at least for the time being Bozo is off my case... even though I slept all afternoon!

And Lucassb ... We all know the answer to these "unmentionable" people at home: buy the t-shirts that say "I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you." (LOL)

Just a thought...
KT

FirstCry

Aug. 20, 2001, 12:25 PM

WOW, what a awesome weekend I've had. Champions at the show. woo hoo.

Then of course, reality must set it. Hubby expected something last night, with my son in the next room, because it is our 7 year anniversary today. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif What a complete and total a$$. I was so bone tired from the show and now this argument again. hmpf. grrrrrrr /infopop/emoticons/icon_mad.gif Needless to say, I slept on the couch. (Trust me the couch is much more comfortable than the bed.) /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

But I am still really elated from the show yesterday. We got 3 1sts and 2 2nds. Stanley was such a good boy, I posted pics on the Green Horse thread if anyone wants to see him. /infopop/emoticons/icon_cool.gif

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America

Miniwelsh

Aug. 20, 2001, 01:10 PM

I don't know how you guys do it. I would have a stomach of ulcers dealing with that stress. My SO used to throw a fit about the animals and what we spent (and the only reason I work is to pay for my horsey extras). I finally told him that if he wanted to be with me, he would pay for the horse stuff - if not, I would find a nice texas oilman to support by habit. The most recent episode involved him throwing a fit because I was getting my long awaited puppy. He has very high blood pressure and claimed the dog would push him over the edge and would cause him to have a herat attack. I laughed and bought the puppy - this past weekend, he admitted that it has actually lowered his pressure already and that he loves the dog.

A man worth keeping will realize that a real horse or animal person is miserable without them. My SO is a workaholic and realizes that I would go stir crazy without being able to ride.

I think that probably most of us horse people are a bit mental - I mean, there have even been threads on here where we admitted to it. But as Heidi so eloquently put it - any man is lucky to have us horsewomen around.

Good luck to KT, FirstCry and Bumpkin. Do what your heart tells you to do (although I hate to say it, but I never want to work 75 hours a week to afford my horse again - I'm no gold digger, but if a man wants to support me so I have time to play with my horses, more power to him - he'll get breakfast in bed every day)

*Behind every good woman lies a trail of men*

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 20, 2001, 01:11 PM

Yipee! Congrats & I'm off to the Green Horse thread to see you and your hoofed darlin'

IGNORE hubby. If yours is anything like mine, he doesn't know what to do with it anyway (LOL). /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Virginia is looking more and more attractive... think we could split the rent on a house/barn? Heck, I'll even take the barn... you can have the house!

Just a thought...
KT

BustersMom

Aug. 20, 2001, 01:12 PM

Wow, I must have been in a fog the last week. This is a great thread. Like Lucassb I had to find the ultimate solution to my non-horsy husband. After 22 years he decided I wasn't paying enough attention to him. Now what was attention? Watching him work a crossword puzzle was his favorite hobby. He was actually my biggest supporter when I got my first 'adult world' horse. I even was content to ride him as little as 3x per month. Then came the horse crazy daughter who he encouraged to take riding lessons when she was 8. I was apprehensive because as I pointed out to him, this is a lot of time and a lot of $$ if she really gets started. And she did. In the middle of our negotiations he sited that she had been to horse shows 1/3 or all the weekends in 1999. Well, there were three of us and I figured 1/3 was reasonable allocation for her activities. The property settlement was really easy and he is supportive of all her activities except he won't pay for a durn bit of her horse activities. His loss and my gain. I have a wonderful daughter and we ride together. I am happy to spend my vacation mucking stalls and hauling trailers to shows. Mr BustersMom turned out to be the big loser.

If I ever have another realtionship, I want to make sure that he understands the committment and dedication that my horse hobby commands.

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 20, 2001, 01:29 PM

After this weekend I don't know how I do it either. Hey FirstCry, beat this one, I dare ya.

Get this: so I have a small cash flow problem. Bozo has $,$$$ in the bank.

KT: Dear, lend me $$ for my lesson until Monday.
Bozo: No, sorry I can't.
KT: I'll give it back to you tomorrow.
Bozo: No can do.
KT: If you don't lend it to me, I can't take my lesson.
Bozo: Sorry.

Sweet guy, eh?

Miniwelsh - "I think that probably most of horse people are a bit mental..." Well good gracious, dear, of course we are, thank goodness! I'd rather deal with an animal than the majority of people I know... they (the animals) have a much higher intelligence. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Hey BustersMom... you're braver than I am. If I ever get out of this relationship with my hide intact, I don't think I want ANYTHING to do with men EVER again.

Just a thought...
KT

P.S. FirstCry... saw your snaps! You guys are GORGEOUS!

Miniwelsh

Aug. 20, 2001, 02:20 PM

you are married and you have to ask him to lend you money??? And he says NO???

Sorry, but that'd be the day.

If I were you, I would spend every free moment at the barn until your husband either apologizes and gets with the program or moves out. Why stay with someone who wants you to be miserable, which is quite obviously what he wants?

*Behind every good woman lies a trail of men*

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 20, 2001, 02:45 PM

Oh, you're so right.

And your reply really made me laugh. Yup, you're right... it's time to get a grip.

Now, where did I put that Tack Shop freebie on Virginia?????

FirstCry, c'mon. Where ARE you? Still mooning over your snaps???? We've got to get moving and find a barn err house. <KT sighs and wistfully looks again at the beautiful Virginia countryside>

Just a thought...
KT

Heidi

Aug. 20, 2001, 06:27 PM

I'm starting to find this thread unbearably sad because it is clearly obvious that you are all wonderfully intelligent women with passion and conviction -- who suffer through unfortunate marriages with a$$holes.

You know the old adage, 'can't teach an old dog new tricks', same applies to a$$holes; don't know if they were born this way, but dollars to donuts, they will go to their graves as a$$holes.

I have a close friend who married a man Hans used to work with. We've always known that he was an a$$hole but had no idea the extent to which he controlled and dominated his wife.

-He typically refused to look after their son but on those rare occasions that he'd allow her to venture out to ride her horse, he'd punish her if she was even 5 minutes late.

-She'd never worked, once married, so relied upon him to support her. She had to justify every singular expense - including her annual purchase of new underwear. He was an avid cart racer and would spend endless thousands on dollars on his hobby. She, on the other hand, scrimped, saved and relied upon the generosity of her family to support her horse.

-After they purchased a new country property, she asked that he hang some pictures up (as she wasn't 'allowed' to take a hammer to the walls) - he complied on the condition that she have sex with him. She did and ended up pregnant with their second child.

-When she was seven months pregnant with this child, he threw a glass coffee table at her. In front of their toddler son.

That for her proved to be the last straw; and finally reaching her pain and humiliation threshold, she filed for a legal separation.

Get your legal and financial ducks in order and please do move on. Whether you find it independently or with another man (or woman, for that matter), claim the joy and pride that you are so fully entitled to.

FirstCry, you're not that far from me and I'd restate the invitation to drive on down for a weekend respite - where Hans and I shall devote an entire weekend to getting you happily drunk and imploring you to declare, "I have my own, thank you very much, I don't need a second a$$hole!". KT1900, hell, you come on down too.

You all deserve so much more than you currently have.

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 21, 2001, 06:20 AM

What's your address? I'm checking the train schedules right now... (LOL)

I'm dismayed by your comment that you find this thread unbearably sad. I've actually found a great deal of support (and relief) here... but you're right it's sad we have to go through this bullsh*t in the first place. It's pathetic that we have to play games with our partners to get what we want. They're supposed to be our P-A-R-T-N-E-R-S. That means, give and take; sometimes it's more give than take (like me for the past 15 years.) And now it's my turn to take. Well, guess what, Bozo. If you don't want to give, I'm going to take ... and go.

The difficulty really comes down to effectively throwing away 15 years of marriage. This is not easy, nor is it to be entered into lightly. As my dear sister would say, (she lives out west) it's "big medicine." (Love that expression.) What makes it worse is that Bozo is not a bozo ALL the time... he is an intermittant bozo (all you computer geeks should appreciate that one!) If he became physically abusive, I'd be gone in a heartbeat. But refusing to lend me $$ for my lesson... well, where does that fall?

I don't know... it has to do with horses and men. If this was ice-skating I don't think I'd have the same problem. I really don't. My Trainer has heard this story before too... maybe that's why her personal life is a mess too.

Just a thought...
KT

P.S. I haven't a good blow-out since COLLEGE, 20 years ago. I could probably use one...

Miniwelsh

Aug. 21, 2001, 07:05 AM

KT, didn't you say this guy doesn't work? I am still floored that he would "lend" you money rather than just saying "here's $50 for your lesson honey." After 6 years with my SO, he still takes me out to dinner and insists on paying, he still treats me to shopping sprees whenever I want and I have control of the joint bank accounts. We each have our own separate account and one joint account for checking (which is mainly "his" money) The things that make him happy are getting foot rubs, looking at cars and music. Not too expensive. The things that make me happy are horses, dogs and occasional shopping. A tad more expensive. If it makes me happy, and it is of reasonable cost, he wants me to have it. End of story. In return, I take care of his daughter, who he has sole custody of, and make sure dinner is usually on the table and the house is relatively clean - and yes, I put my riding skills to good use too, hey it never hurts!

The thought that he would ever "lend" me money and expect repayment, let alone that he would REFUSE to lend me money is unfathomable to me and we are not even married yet. Although this not abusive behavior, I think it says a lot about he charachter of the individual you are married to. Let's just say I would have blown that pop stand long ago. Why ride a downtown bus when they make Jaguars /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

*Behind every good woman lies a trail of men*

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 21, 2001, 07:38 AM

don't beat me up. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

Bozo is a "consultant" after losing his long-time job (20+ years) about three years ago. His income is not steady... but he DID have $$ I could have borrowed. He just wanted to be a prick, and he was.

As we all know, the 99.99% of marital arguments are about two things: money and kids. And don't get me started about the stepchildren (two) that Bozo has custody of, that adore their mother (who dumped 'em) and only tolerate me.

Like I said before, this is not simple, straightforward stuff; if it were, all of the posters on this thread would have nothing to contribute! And I don't have any answers... that's why I started this thread. To see if anyone else had 'solved' the problem. Bozo DOES have good qualities... they're kind of hard to see at the moment, but they're there.

Just a thought...
KT

P.S. You do make me laugh with your choice of language, MiniWelsh... blow that pop stand... Great!

Miniwelsh

Aug. 21, 2001, 07:56 AM

definately not beating you up at all - in fact, I admire you for sticking with this as long as you have - you must have the patience of a saint. And I am sure he has good qualities, probably the majority of the time. It is just frustrating to see someone who has the talent that you seem to have not be able to have a partner who supports that. I'm not saying he needs to cheer you on at horse events, but getting on your case for spending time at the barn is just not cool.

Maybe you could sit down with him and have a conversation (I know, I know, easy for me to say) but explain in detail and a calm voice how important riding and the horses are to you. There are so many men out there who have wives who cheat, lie, drink, do drugs, and this guy wants to complain because you like to spend time at the barn? Tell him that many men would prefer to have their wife at the barn with horses then out at the bars with her girlfriends picking up guys.

My SO is the one who long ago pointed out to me that he was so glad to be with someone who had her own interests, was independant and yes, instead of hanging out at clubs and parties like many people my age, I preferred to spend my free time with animals. I think you husband really needs to take a look around and see what other guys have to deal with. He may not think he has it so bad after all.

Hang in there KT - I think that Bozo will wake up and smell the coffee without having to resort to the big D...although a little trial separation to give him a taste of life without you may bring about that change in a hurry!

*Behind every good woman lies a trail of men*

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 21, 2001, 10:36 AM

because I'd never come back! (Many a true word spoken in jest.)

<<Maybe you could sit down with him and have a conversation>>
Been there, done that. With utmost patience. The problem is he does not understand PASSION. And as we all know, passion has nothing to do with sex... although it can.

<> Yeah, he might... but I might not... or even worse, I don't think I want to. Scary, scary, scary.

Where in the heck are those pictures of Virginia?

Just a thought...
KT

Miniwelsh

Aug. 21, 2001, 12:44 PM

but if VA doesn't work out your are always welcome to the cheese state (and we have much better traffic) /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

*Behind every good woman lies a trail of men*

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 21, 2001, 01:38 PM

I lived in Minnesota when I was a kid, so I know what to expect. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

And, as usual, you made me laugh... (dare I call you a cheesehead?)

Just a thought...
KT

Miniwelsh

Aug. 21, 2001, 01:41 PM

I was born and bred in Greenwich Connecticut and grew up in the Washington DC area (so I can vouch for the wonderous splendor of Virginia)

Just trying my best to get more people to move to Milwaukee so I can have a clique all my own (those DC area folks have so much fun .... if I could just reason with Moesha and MargaretF that the place to be REALLY is Milwaukee!!) /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

*Behind every good woman lies a trail of men*

anthem35

Aug. 21, 2001, 01:43 PM

...I've ben lurking on this thread for what seem slike forever...and I'm sorry some people are not quite as happy as they can be...everyone deserves at least that...
I'm sure, being the caring horsepeople that you all are, that you deserve to be cared for as well...but, first, you have to take care of yourself...Why put up with ANY of this? If it doesn't work out, and it ain't changing, move on. There is someone else in this world who will derive the utmost happiness from making you happy, and watching you grow, and will embrace your personal successes as if they were his/her own. There is someone in this world who will stand by the ring with a rubrag in hands, with tears of pride in their eyes, as you walk forward to collect your first ribbon ever...because they love you, and beam with pride, as you are overcome with your own happiness...that is a teaamate for life...not someone who will resent your attempts at personal fulfillment, and discourage your spending time/money away from him...that is just one thing...SELFISH...and selfish people seldom have the real ability to love anyone other than themselves...
Please, I have been there...you owe it to yourself...cut your losses...be strong...and set out on your own to find someone who is WORTHY of you...You will be surprised how wonderfulit CAN be!!!
.....(wow! that was waaaay heavy!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif )

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 21, 2001, 06:13 PM

Anthem35, thanks for your kind words of support. And thanks for not lurking anymore. You've written good words for everyone to remember.

I've tried about ten times to write a reply, but you know what? There just isn't one. I guess you've said it all.

Thanks.

Just a thought...
KT

BustersMom

Aug. 22, 2001, 05:58 AM

I had connection problems yesterday so I am a little slow.
After a while, I learned to think that I deserved better than to think that I was the scum of the earth for not waiting on my ex. He made it easier for me by saying he wanted a "trial separation." I didn't argue at all. I insisted on having all the paperwork done before he moved out which gave me some security in knowing where I was financially.
During the first 6 months apparently he dated a lot. I found out about his taking one girlfriend on a business trip to California when her husband called me. Let me tell you that was a wonderful Saturday. He used his email to send pictures of them to her children. What a jerk!!
While I was on my first mini vacation (only a wierdo can call a week mucking stalls at a horse show a vacation)he sent me very hateful emails about me, my family who has been nothing but kind to him, my friends....you name it. I particularly liked the part where he insisted that I must not understand my sexuality since I resisted his pawing. My doofy Golden Retriever had better technique. Later that month he called me after midnight to call me ugly names. Who could resist such a Romeo?

Now a year later, he seems to have forgotten all this and is trying to re-insert himself into our lives. He wonders why I am not interested. I do my best to remain cordial for the sake of my child but I can do without him. I have taken time to re-evaluate my situation. I am thrilled to say that I have recently purchased some land where I can retire and have my horses (we call it the Buster Retirement Center) I never thought I could do this. It has meant a lot of macaronni & cheese, and beanie weenies but they aren't so bad. Besides land is doing much better than stock these days. Having a dream and a goal is a good thing.

Be sure you do something for yourself and know you aren't alone. If I can ever help, please don't hesitate to email.

Been there, done that. My friends and horses were/are my lifeline.

What I learned was that 20 years of history was not enough to build the rest of my life on. When the divorce was final, I didn't celebrate but mourned the loss of MY intermittent Bozo. We grew apart and I learned that nothing I did or no changes I could make were enough. I did my best and that is all I could do. No regrets.

FirstCry

Aug. 22, 2001, 12:38 PM

Well, I am back after a hellish day yesterday.

Ya know, ya think your getting it together and BAM!!!! something stikes ya down again. Early yesterday morning got the phone call /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif Nani, my son's great grandmother (76 years old) who is really the other parent in my sons life, had a stroke. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif Nani is a major part of my life and my sons, he stays at her house 3 night a week (ironically those are the nights I horseback ride, Nani and I never trusted hubby to take proper care of my son on the nights I wasn't home)

Well, needless to say, she is doing OK, but has lost about 25% mobility on her left side. With Physical Therapy, she should make a full (crossing fingers and praying) recovery. But at the moment, she can't walk. /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif My son is taking it very well, we have explained to him in detail everything, so nothing scares him.

I will more than likely move into the house with Nani, so I can take care of her and my son in one place.

KT-glad ya liked the pictures, isn't Stanley, just the cutest thing??? I wish he was mine and not my trainers.

Well, I must leave work now, and begin the evening errands /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif . I guess I won't be riding tonight. (sigh) EVeryone please send all good vibes for Nani's full recovery and my mental sanity for the next couple of weeks as we begin the uphill climb out of the pit yet again.

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America

BustersMom

Aug. 22, 2001, 12:58 PM

FirstCry. My parents are my biggest equine cheerleaders and also the biggest help I have with my child. My mother has just had her 83rd birthday and my dad is 76. Sometimes I laugh that I have 3 children right now as they get confused easily.
I know how important that support can be. I hope that Nani regains her mobility and makes a rapid and complete recovery.
Hugs to you, your son, and your mother-in-law.

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 23, 2001, 06:33 AM

Oh, dear. I'm so sorry. You must be beside yourself with worry. I know that I'm far away, but if there is anything I can do, please e-mail me. It's the least I can do after you offered to lend me your Smith & Wesson...

If it's any help, my mother had a small stroke about two years ago... and she is now back to about 95%. It was difficult in the beginning, but the body & mind is a marvellous thing... be v. patient and don't get too discouraged. It has really taken my mom about a year and a half to get back to where she was before the stroke.

The good news is you're going to be moving into the house with her... which will relieve the anxiety you have over her recovery. And of course, there's that added benefit of giving you a break from doofus.

You, your son and Nani are in my prayers, sweetie. Keep everyone up to date on all fronts (Nani, son, horse & doofus... in that order.)

Just a thought...
KT

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 23, 2001, 07:08 AM

I read your post over my morning coffee yesterday, and I've been thinking about it ever since. You obviously put some serious thought into what you said, so I've taken the time to write a thoughtful reply, or at least I'm going to try to!

My original post had to do with men and horses... what is their (men's) problem? Why do they not understand, what is it they don't understand, etc. etc. The replies posted to this thread, putting aside all the sassy, hilarious and naughty ones, have been critical of SO's/husband's behavior in a relationship... and believe me, I'm the first to jump on that bandwagon. You bet! And Bozo is no exception and his behavior warrants the remarks I've made (wouldn't he be apoplectic if he knew. Ha!)

But you, and a lot of other people on this thread, have pointed out that there is a more profound problem here than just my spending time with horses... and the male petulance that apparently goes with it. And, I read each and every post carefully and thoughtfully. What scares me, and I'm being brutally honest here so don't beat me up, is it's no joy being on your own... at least I didn't like it much when I was single. And, I'm no spring chicken either. That's not to say I'm not a "Boomer Babe" (have you read the book? It's a side-splitter.) or that I'd be left single for the rest of my days. But it's a possibility that I have to consider. And this is one of the difficult, difficult, horribly difficult choices with enormous repercussions that has to be made: stay, be unhappy (and for heaven's sake, shut-up about it!) or go and be possibly unhappy. This is when I think again about your comment:

<<When the divorce was final, I didn't celebrate but mourned the loss of MY intermittent Bozo. We grew apart and I learned that nothing I did or no changes I could make were enough.>>

I think the issue here is I'm not there yet. I may very well be in 6 months, or even two days, but not yet.

So there... I've unzipped and spilled my proverbial insides (ok. Guts.) Don't post back that I'm a wimp,...

Just a thought...
KT

anthem35

Aug. 23, 2001, 07:30 AM

..I understand completely your fears...no, being alone isn't fun...but neither is being unhappy. You have lost a little of your strength, an independence as a result of this degenerative realtionship...it seems to have left you with a feeling a insecurity, and fear...that alone is a huge signal that something isn't right...A life partner should encourage you to grow, and feel beautiful...
Don't be afraid to ask for help in getting "you" back to the fearless girl you were when you met your partner, you need to like yourself enough to be alone...it seems someone has robbed you of that. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif
It is not going to be easy...it WILL take time. Doesn't mean you ccan't continueto have a relationship with him, just maybe not right now, or maybe not as a husband...I'm sure you love him, but are you still IN LOVE???
...ask yourselves that...

Lucassb

Aug. 23, 2001, 07:44 AM

Wow, somehow I have missed the updates on this thread, still a lot going on...

KT, my ex was like Bozo about money. At the time, he was making a lot - maybe five or six times my income. He "preferred" that we maintain separate accounts and so of course that is what we did. If I wanted/needed more money, he wanted me to ask him for it and provide an accounting and justification - not only of the money I was asking for, but of all my expenses for the month... so he could decide if I "deserved" it or not. A$$HOLE. The first time this happened I was absolutely floored ... it happened ONE other time in our marriage and after that everything was just separate; nothing was worth that kind of humiliation. I justified it to myself that he paid most of the "big" bills, mortgage, insurance etc...while I paid for "extras" (things that counted as extras would amaze you, but I didn't see that then.) I look back on it now in total horror.

I know all about the issues of "throwing away" years of your life and a commitment that you made and all the rest... honey, I am telling you - I promise you - so many good things can happen once you free yourself of someone so controlling. And don't kid yourself; a marriage where one partner has to ask for money from the other is NOT a partnership. (Not saying that there can't or shouldn't be discussions about what amounts are spent on what activities - but those are JOINT decisions between EQUALS.) Your relationship, however decent it might be in other respects, does not sound to me to be one of equals. And IMHO, that is the only marriage that should be acceptable to a smart and talented woman like yourself. The fact that he isn't physically abusive or nasty all the time is not enough.

"Been there, Done That..."

Bethe Mounce

Aug. 23, 2001, 07:58 AM

in laws. How do you handle it when inlaws think that your horses are a waste of time and make sure you know it with subtle remarks and never understand why you have to leave family parties a bit early to go feed?

Apologies to poster who initiated this thread...maybe inlaws go with husbands? Please?

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 23, 2001, 07:59 AM

I feel like throwing-up. Need I say more? Of course, you're right.

Bethe, (may I call you that) thanks for coming in and taking the heat off me! (LOL)

Come on, all you problem solvers out there: FirstCry, Lucassb, Amthem35, Learner... help this poor waif with HER angst.

Just a thought...
KT

Lucassb

Aug. 23, 2001, 08:07 AM

Soooo sorry to hear about your Nani. I send prayers and healthy thoughts to both of you, along with every wish for a speedy recovery.

My own Grandmother went through numerous strokes and while the recovery can be arduous, it definitely IS possible to make a full recovery and to retain a good quality of life. The advice you have been given to remain v. patient is excellent as it does take some time - and I would add, find some humor in it if you can! My Grandmother was quite good at this and would frequently have us doubled over in stitches with some comment or other about simple tasks which had become quite challenging. I am convinced her outlook was a major factor in her recovery and certainly lightened our perspective.

KT, just noted your observation about the single life and wanted to assure you that you may feel very differently about things once you get away from a man who diminishes your self esteem and self respect. I know I was desperately afraid of being on my own (not as brave as you were to admit it, though) and that kept me stuck for a long time, even though I would have told you otherwise back then - and believed it! However, when push came to shove and I left, I put myself into an entirely new environment, including a new job - possible because after all that time, I didn't need to be home at 5:15 with dinner on the table!!! <oh, the joy> Because I was on my "best new job behavior" <translation: trying to act smart> people responded to me very positively and it became a reinforcing cycle of doing well, having people appreciate it and recognize it, gaining more confidence, doing more, getting more strokes etc.

Shortly thereafter, my long time friends started saying "nice to see you back" and I realized the extent to which my self image had been rocked by the jerk I married (who never laid a hand on me, nor even raised his voice - it was just that subtle undercurrent of his superiority, controlling behavior and disrespect toward me.)

I can't TELL you what a difference it made. And interestingly enough, the day I woke up and realized I didn't even want to speak to him, much *less* want him back, or even around - he started falling all over himself to get back together with me. Like BustersMom, at that point I couldn't have cared less and didn't want to have anything to do with him. The more I made it clear I was "over" it, the more devastated and interested he was. Oh, he would do *anything*, sent flowers, presents, he would go to counseling... buy me a horse farm... take me on a trip. I was like "Ewwwww. Go away."

Human nature is a funny thing.

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 23, 2001, 08:15 AM

LOL Hahahahahaha

I can't see straight I'm laughing so hard... I've been wondering for ages how to spell it. Thanks, Lucassb, you've made my day! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Of course, you're right. I can say it over and over and over again. Yeah, it's EASY to say. The hard part is doing something about it.

Virginia... I keep seeing VA. I love DC too.

Just a thought...
KT

anthem35

Aug. 23, 2001, 08:25 AM

..a lovely in the fall.

BustersMom

Aug. 23, 2001, 08:32 AM

You are NOT A WIMP. See there you are with a self image issue.... and I am smiling as I type. There is no single answer to anyone's personal relationship. There are balances and tradeoffs. In the end, you have to live with yourself and that isn't necessarily by yourself. I just want to know there are survivors out here.

Lucassb, I am so glad to know that we share a common emotion when they try to sweet talk their way back. It is nice to know I am not alone.

When my ex initiated the separation, I told him that I wasn't sure if he left I could ever accept him back. The prodigal son is a biblical parable I just don't understand. He knew that. I put it in writing so he couldn't deny it and he took the risk.

In-laws.....I know where my husband got his ideas. A funny story is one day my mother-in-law was going on and on about something and I finally left the room(nicely....I just didn't see any point in arguing and I could feel myself reaching my limit). Nanny followed me and kept right on going. I finally told her the issue being discussed was really none of her business. Shortly she came back at me with her fangs extended. My husband came to my defense and said, "Look Mom, I am stuck with you, I chose her." That really took her back. See there really were some good times.

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group

Duffy

Aug. 23, 2001, 09:04 AM

I've just finished reading this thread and I have such mixed emotions going.

I knew I wasn't blissfully happy in my marriage, but there was no way I was going to end it. (I believe my father leaving when I was my son's age had a lot to do with that level of perhaps idiotic committment. /infopop/emoticons/icon_confused.gif )

Someday, perhaps, I will be able to honestly thank my former husband for walking out after 13 years and two children.

My thoughts are with all of you. I don't know if I can offer any constructive help, but please feel free to email if you would like. I will say that a visit to Heidi-ville is a most excellent plan. She and her family are incredible.

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 23, 2001, 09:22 AM

I just saw where you're from... VA!!!!!

It really is great there, isn't it. I mean, it's wonderful, right? Paradise? On earth... huh, huh, huh?

Just a thought...
KT

FirstCry

Aug. 23, 2001, 09:59 AM

Hello all!! Back at work. KT- I have been to VA and West VA and they are both stunning. Hey, I just had a thought (evil grin) My uncle lives in Manassas, and he has a very large house, lots of room, hummmm, I wonder if he would mind if we all decended upon him??? /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Nani seems to have lost alittle ground from yesterday. She can no longer move her hand or squeeze, but she has started PT this AM and will be staying at the hospital for 3weeks. Amazingly enough, hubby, (this is his grandmother BTW) is being very good and helping out. He is taking half days at work so I can get to work and he takes care of our son. I wonder how long that will last /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif I give it about 2 more days.

In-laws ( oy ) I could go on and on about them. They are just a tad bit more understanding about my horse craze. They actually come to my shows sometimes or at least ask how the horses are. But ya know what, we all just have to enjoy our horses, and not worry about the little comments all them non-horsey people have to say. As long as we pay our bills, take care of our families, we can spend any amount of time we find free with our horses and to h*ll with them. Right.??

Can ya tell I'm in a beligerent mood today? hehee /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif I havent ridden since Sunday and I am going thru withdrawl. I'm calling my trainer right now to schedule a lesson for Sat.

All set Im riding Sat at 10 yipee.!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 23, 2001, 10:00 AM

Where's Manassas? Quick. I'm beginning to seriously think about this... I mean REALLY seriously think about this.

BTW, the only reason why I'm calm today is I'm riding this evening. <KT draws in a slow breath, exhaling even slower and thinks, "This is even better than great, well, you know what.">

As far as Nani goes, stay with it kid. She's going to have good days, and bad days. It's ok, just go with the flow and accept it. As the Brits say, "It'll all come out in the wash."

Just a thought...
KT

P.S. Is your Uncle, well, eligible? Sorry, asked that wrong. FirstCry, is your Uncle eligible and does he like horses? Err. Sorry, I still got that wrong. FirstCry, does your Uncle like horses? Uh, well, is he eligible?

[This message was edited by KT 1900 on Aug. 23, 2001 at 01:09 PM.]

[This message was edited by KT 1900 on Aug. 23, 2001 at 01:10 PM.]

FirstCry

Aug. 23, 2001, 10:20 AM

KT-ROTFLMAO- hehehe, Yes my uncle is eligible sorta, he has a live in, but she is really pushy, and he went thru a nasty Divorce and really is not interested in getting remarried or having more children as he is 49ish??? But she wants kids, /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif and wont let up on the subject. He is retired from the AirForce and works in Washington. Manassas is near Leesburg, its about a 7 to 8 hour trip from Rochester, NY, where I am. and (drum roll please) he always asks about my horses, tells me all about the horses he sees in VA, and says the next time he is up here, he wants to go to a show with me, I warned him I would put him to work, and he said just show me what to do. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 23, 2001, 10:29 AM

Ask him if he'd be interested in meeting a "Boomer Babe" is DEFINATELY not pushy, (can't you tell?) loves VA, and has a thing about guys in uniform (whether retired or not) especially Zoomies. Oh, and is NOT interested in kids... but is willing to practice. <Down, KT, down.>

I can get to Rochester... NO PROBLEMO. Nope, nope , nope. CT is in the neighborhood.

Just tell him, 36-24-36 (ok. ok. I'm only 34-26-36, 135lbs) but I am 17hh... unless he's shorter, then I'm 16hh... 15.3?

Just a thought...
KT

FirstCry

Aug. 23, 2001, 10:34 AM

No need to worry on the height thang KT, I'm 5'8" and my uncle Chucky towers over me. One thing tho, he has no a$$, we are always mockin him out about that. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America

Bethe Mounce

Aug. 23, 2001, 10:43 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by KT 1900:

Bethe, (may I call you that) thanks for coming in and taking the heat off me! (LOL)

Come on, all you problem solvers out there: FirstCry, Lucassb, Amthem35, Learner... help this poor waif with HER angst.
Just a thought...
KT<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Of course, call me Bethe. I have had this problem for many years and this is the 1st time I have spoken about it publicly because frankly, this time I am super pissed and have stayed super pissed for several weeks.

A little background: First, I believe I am making a mountain out of a molehill. Second, the best thing to do would be to let it go and blow it off like I have done in the past. For some reason I don't want to.

Here's the story: My husband and I married back in 1987, I was not the woman his mother felt was the best choice, but he and I think no matter who he married, she wouldn't be happy with her. Same thing for my husband's sister. She dissaproved of my sister in law's choice in husbands. Despite all this, both of us have stayed married and are happy.

At my wedding, she refused to wear the corsage I had purchased for her and my grandmother and my mother because she said it didn't match her dress so my Mom took over exchanging corsages with my grandmother. I never knew about this little thing until after the wedding.

At my baby shower for my child, she told my mother that I would never have time to even have this baby because I was too busy with my horses. And after Andrew was born, they wanted to know when there was going to be another (I got bugged about this for many many months)-----there was only going to be one from the get go, finally had to sit down with her and tell her that Andrew was all I was going to do and I didn't have Andrew for their benefit which I know sounds so cruel, but being direct is the only way this woman listens.

When a family function is planned, such as Thanksgiving or Christmas (yes, both sets of parents live in this town), I usually leave early to go feed/water and hay and check on everyone. This has never sat well with her.

This Sat is their 50th wedding anniversary celebration. Instead of their children planning it, they themselves are planning it and giving it. It starts at 3 pm and is over at 8 pm. I have known about this party for several months.

My mother in law decided to purchase the clothes for my 12 year old son to wear to this party. My son goes over there, finds out about the clothes, and my mother in law says to my husband that "I know it makes Bethe upset when I buy clothes for Andrew." Hello? I don't like it one bit, I happen to be his mother and I get to decide these things. So why does she still buy clothes for him if she is aware I don't like it? Its as if I cannot dress my son appropriately for the occasion. Me myself, I am going in a starched oxford shirt, new Ropers and black jeans.....all the party clothes have long gone, I would think showing up would be far more important than what one wears.

At my son's birthday party last weekend, she told me about these clothes and said Andrew had to wear them, I told her he did not, because as his mother, I made those types of decisions and she was most unhappy with me. Andrew is going to wear the clothes, I told him he must please his grandmother. I also told her I would have to leave a bit early from the party to go feed which she didn't like because she felt I should stay until 8 pm.......sorry, not going to happen. My horses are not just a sport, they are a responsibility and part of my family which I know sounds syrupy and sappy, but I feel very responsible for them.

I am so sick of the insensitive remarks although I have been hearing them for 15 years. Usually I blow everything off and just forget about it, this time I got mad and I really am not sure why I have jumped up and down about this so much.

So sorry to have vented like this when the thread is really about husbands, ex's and boyfriends.

I plan to attend the party, be nice and social, smile alot, do what I am told and then be gone by 7 pm.

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 23, 2001, 10:45 AM

Like I care?

What's he think about horses, and what's your address, and when's he gonna be there?

Just a thought...
KT

BustersMom

Aug. 23, 2001, 10:47 AM

I have noticed that many of the those who have contributed to this thread are members of the Baby Greenie Support Group.
Does this mean we are willing to take on a work in progress?
Hope springs eternal.

BTW, FirstCry, I am only 15.2. Definitely shorter than your Uncle Chucky

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group

Duffy

Aug. 23, 2001, 10:55 AM

Hey, FirstCry...You've been holding out on us, girl! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

I hear you, Bethe...Been there, done that...Try dealing with an ex that resents those child support payments - when his mother still chooses to buy some clothes for the kids...OR have them spend time with her during "my" time...I didn't resent her purchasing outfits for the children for their father's wedding, however. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

FirstCry

Aug. 23, 2001, 11:23 AM

KT- He loves animals in general, but I repeat he does have a live in girlfriend, (of course nobody really likes her but...) And according to her (the girlfriend) he is very very good. hehehe (really didn't need to know that about my uncle Chucky). /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif I beleive he will be here in Rochester visiting on Turkey day. I let ya know if he comes up any sooner. /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Bustersmom- Isnt' that something? I think ya hit the nail on the head. Just wish the hubbys responded to training as well as the greenies. /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif hehehe /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Duffy - Sorry /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif hehehe, never even thought about it until we started talking about moving down to VA.

Bethe - Yep, been there done that too, I totally resent sending my son in one set of clothes and having him return home in something different. /infopop/emoticons/icon_mad.gif

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America

Aug. 23, 2001, 11:25 AM

I've started a new thread for those of us that are silent sufferers

[This message was edited by VA on Aug. 23, 2001 at 02:36 PM.]

BustersMom

Aug. 23, 2001, 11:30 AM

So what do you think of the MIL who buys her son's clothes?

I also particularly liked it when my ex first moved to the apt and she spent $14k for furniture and stuff. When he moved to the condo she spent another $22k. Jimminy Cricket.

Neither ever showed any interest in helping decorate the marital home. I had to save and scrape to recover old couches and augment with a few new pieces. Guess I know where I stand.

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group

Merry

Aug. 23, 2001, 11:33 AM

I'm in with the "your husband needs a passion in his life, too" (but preferably not the non-horsey blond he works with). /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

My hubby and I had some rough times until he totally got into his insect collecting/science studies abroad. Eh, so he goes into these 3rd World jungles twice a year. So he stores dead bugs in my refrigerator. So he has to be innoculated with Yellow Fever and Typhoid vaccines. At least he doesn't question my love of horses and competing anymore! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

"Charter Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group of North America"

hobson

Aug. 23, 2001, 11:35 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR>Originally posted by BustersMom:
So what do you think of the MIL who buys her son's clothes?

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Eeeeekk! Run away!!!

BustersMom

Aug. 23, 2001, 11:43 AM

Dummy that I was ......love was blind for a while. Finally recognized the pattern.

Apparently CONTROL is a big thing in that family.

Merry, we had the passion of the week. Weights ( we finally donated about 5000lbs of free weights to my daughters school), Scuba (this was fun to do together but he decided his asthma was an issue), windsurfing ( I still have the windsurfers at my house), French lessons (bazillions of self study tapes and books), Sailing (at one time we had 2 sailboats)....I could go on and on. I was at least consistent. LOL Bugs in my refrig would have been fine. (We did keep the parrot's body in the refrig until we could take it for autopsy during the bird phase.)

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group

anthem35

Aug. 23, 2001, 11:51 AM

Is there ANY chance this Mother-in-law is buying HER son clothes, because he's HER son??? her little boy?? not JUST to piss you off???
I don't have any kids...but my understanding is (especially w/Mother-Son+daughter-in-law) that you want to give your kids everything...always...doesn't end just because you've lost him to another woman in his life???

BustersMom

Aug. 23, 2001, 11:57 AM

Anthem35, I am sure she doesn't do it to piss me off. She just doesn't think. I don't think it is malicious, just insensitive.

My daughter and ex regularly gives to the local charity clothes they have gotten from the MIL that they don't wear. Sometimes she shops well but other times she doesn't buy apparel appropriate for either of them. I just keep quiet. I loved it when she called my Brother in Law and caught him having a yard sale of the clothes and ceramics she sent him. His name was mud for at least a week.

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group

anthem35

Aug. 23, 2001, 12:08 PM

its not that she doesn't think...maybe she just has bad taste!!!
have you tried just coming out and explaining to her that its hard to pick out clothes for them?? That you "appreciate the gifts, but they are just SO darned picky"..???
I was gifted for years by my own mother who thought that "leopard print leggings" were "chic"??
After many a Christmas, she gave up. and now just asks what I want...
Blundstone paddock boots for me last xmas...this plan is working!!!

Lucassb

Aug. 23, 2001, 12:08 PM

Welcome to the discussion; I am SOOOO sure that inlaw issues are welcome /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif of course! (so unfortunate that even wonderful partners can come with such "unwonderful" baggage!!)

And I don't think you are making a mountain out of a molehill, either. What you describe amounts to over a decade of disrespect and ongoing attempts to undermine the most significant and important relationship in your life (and perhaps more tellingly, in her son's life.)

It is my impression that MILs like this truly wouldn't be satisfied with anyone - and it is unlikely to be personal. My understanding is that they (consciously or unconsciously) cannot stand someone else taking center stage in their child's life.

The really sneaky ones (like your MIL) then do all the stuff that you describe - the incident with your son's clothes is a great example. She can then protest to all and sundry "well, you know I try to be kind to them and Andrew is my grandson blah blah blah, but Bethe is just so sensitive about my little efforts to help" Putting her squarely in the poor unappreciated victim role and you in the evil woman's... Yeah, right!!

You know what drives those people crazy? Exactly what you are planning... smile and be super nice. They get a kick out of making people uncomfortable and angry; I certainly wouldn't give this woman that satisfaction. It's not easy, but it does work. It is very sad, I think, that there are adults who behave like this, but they seldom change. If there is any type of confrontation about leaving the party early, I personally would probably be just a tad condescending..."Oh Mother, of course we are so sad to leave this fabulous little party a few minutes early, but you know for some reason those pesky horses just seem to need to eat EVERY DAY." All said in a bright tone the way you might speak to a particularly slow child.

If you get really fed up, I'll happily trade you for my SO's lovely ex-wife... /infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif

[This message was edited by Lucassb on Aug. 23, 2001 at 03:17 PM.]

BustersMom

Aug. 23, 2001, 12:22 PM

Anthem35, her taste is definitely spotty so we try to direct her. Results have been hit and miss. I have taught my daughter to graciously thank her for her efforts and to be really enthusiastic when she picks a winner. See everything has a purpose.

On her last visit she braved a few minutes of a horse show which was quite remarkable. She enjoyed that class and loved seeing my daugher's pony (17.2 TB). Have you ever noticed how non-horsy folks take dreadful pictures of horses. Well we have a roll of film to document the event.

As she left the show grounds, she admitted that horseback riding was almost as much of a sport as my niece's "cheernastics."

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group

Bethe Mounce

Aug. 23, 2001, 03:32 PM

for the understanding. My sister in law, her adopted daughter, and she do not get along and never have. In fact, this afternoon I called my sister in law for directions to the party.....little did I know what havoc had been already wreaked between the 2 of them over this 50th wedding anniversary party. I told Sarah, my sister in law, I was going to be pleasant to all if it killed me. Little did I know my MIL has also purchased clothes for Sarah's son, told Sarah that her husband had to cut his hair and shave his beard off etc.....it goes on and on.

A leapord cannot change it's spots and she is an old woman and my son's mother. I should respect her, but I am having a tough time with this latest incident.

The woman loves control, and I am not controllable and I know that makes her nuts. I do what I want when I want. But, controlling my son is not going to be on her agenda. She can try all she wants but it won't work again. She does buy clothes for my husband, which I don't mind at all---he doesn't either, she's been doing it for years. It's not that the woman is a total pain, she really tries to be gracious and pleasant, but EVERYTHING comes with strings and I hate that. A condition is attached to all gifts and I am always made to be the villian. In fact, Sarah and I, when chatting today, said the same thing, both of us are always the bad ones and she is always trying to be helpful......we do not want her help, when we do want it, we will ask, until then, she needs to butt out. In fact, she calls Sarah every day, thank goodness she never calls our house phone.

Another thing, my husband has his own construction business, and built a new north wing at my parent's farm, where the horses all are. At Andrew's birthday last week, she saw it for the 1st time, and had the nerve to ask my husband if his company really and truly built it. As if my husband is not capable of doing something on his own?

I love the statement about those pesky horses needing to be fed.....I'll use it! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif I also found out I would be leaving at the time the band stops playing, so many will probably be going out the door at the same time.

The party is from 3 pm to 8 pm on Sat afternoon; 240 guests are expected and I will be the dutiful daughter in law. This should be an Oscar winning performance.

Lucassb

Aug. 24, 2001, 11:26 AM

Good for you /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif At least you have a reinforcement in Sarah and you *know* it isn't just you!!

And if things get really annoying, you can use the REST of my little parting shot:

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote">quote:<HR> ...those pesky horses just seem to need to eat every day, not like kids where you can let it go for a day or two<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

You can then make a graceful exit while they pick their jaws up off the floor.

Gives you something to look forward to /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Oldenburg Mom

Aug. 24, 2001, 12:35 PM

Sorry to be so long in putting my two cents in (or maybe I should say sense, haha.)

I agree with everyone else: you are NOT making a mountain out of molehill. Especially since these are feelings, and feelings aren't right or wrong...ever!

If I'm not mistaken, and somebody jump in here if I AM wrong, what you're talking about here is called disenfranchisement: MIL is trying to remove YOU from a process (short & sweet: control.) From what you've said, this is a mountain that you've probably spent a lot of hours turning into a molehill.

Hey,... maybe these aren't easy words for you to read. Everyone else has done a number on me too! But you know what? I'm taking a better and closer look at things. And I don't feel anymore like I'm the Creature from the Black Lagoon! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Although it's been tough, I'm now starting to think a bit straighter about Bozo.

Welcome to the angst club, sweetie. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

Just a thought...
KT