OT... depression help?

[sadalter]

This is not directly riding related, but from some of the posts I've read on here in the past, I think there are some people here who could offer me some words of encouragement or advice...

I am having a hard time lately with depression. (It has to do with horses in that it has become hard to drag myself to the barn and ride). I had a short term relationship with a guy who was kind of messed up, and it sent me into a tailspin. I am doing all the things I think I am supposed to do--seeing a therapist, trying to stick to my routine, going on antidepressants--but it's been a month and it's still really hard to get up in the morning.

This is the third time this has happened to me, and it's really scary. My friends don't really understand, my self-esteem is plummeting... I'm finding it hard to be with people but also hard to be alone.

does anyone here have experiences they can share? i feel like my light has gone out.... i know i will get through this, but it's really hard right now.

i know i'm a mess when i don't even want to see my horse, and i dread my lessons because I am riding terribly.

I'm sorry if this is inappropriate to post here, I just have the feeling that there are many wise and kind people here who might understand.

thanks.

[sadalter]

This is not directly riding related, but from some of the posts I've read on here in the past, I think there are some people here who could offer me some words of encouragement or advice...

I am having a hard time lately with depression. (It has to do with horses in that it has become hard to drag myself to the barn and ride). I had a short term relationship with a guy who was kind of messed up, and it sent me into a tailspin. I am doing all the things I think I am supposed to do--seeing a therapist, trying to stick to my routine, going on antidepressants--but it's been a month and it's still really hard to get up in the morning.

This is the third time this has happened to me, and it's really scary. My friends don't really understand, my self-esteem is plummeting... I'm finding it hard to be with people but also hard to be alone.

does anyone here have experiences they can share? i feel like my light has gone out.... i know i will get through this, but it's really hard right now.

i know i'm a mess when i don't even want to see my horse, and i dread my lessons because I am riding terribly.

I'm sorry if this is inappropriate to post here, I just have the feeling that there are many wise and kind people here who might understand.

thanks.

[Rockford]

I've never dealt with depression or anything like that, but maybe it would be easier to get up in the morning and start the day if you set some sort of goals for yourself that you can work towards. I've also heard that jogging/exercising is good for people with stress because it releases endorphins I think. What kind of music do you listen to? I think sometimes if you listen to people sing about being depressed or angry, they will put you in that mood as well sometimes. Maybe you could try listening to "happy music" with a more upbeat tune.

Anyway, I hope you start to feel better soon! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[Louise]

An antidepressant that works for some people won't work for others. If the one you are on isn't working, go back and have them try something else. You may have to try several to find one that works for you.

Keep talking to your therapist, he/she is the one who can help you the most. You can deal with depression, but it takes time and effort. It is not surprising that you are still feeling depressed after only a month.

It's hard for we who are on the outside to give you any kind of concrete advice, because we don't know your situation. I have dealt with depression all my life, and a large part of that time I didn't even know that was what was wrong with me. You have taken a giant step already in identifying the problem.

Just keep trying, look at the positive things and please don't be too hard on yourself, you will feel better in time, especially since you are getting the help that you need.

[Erin]

I haven't dealt with depression personally, but I have several very close friends who have struggled with it... it's something that's very difficult for others to understand, I think.

One of my friends did start taking antidepressants, and then stopped because he didn't think they were helping. He started again later, and stuck with it a little longer, and they did start to help. So maybe it just takes some time for them to kick in.

Maybe a slight change in your routine would help? I know it's almost impossible to have time for anything else outside of horses, but the suggestion of exercise is a good one. Of course, it's hard enough to motivate to go to a gym when you do feel upbeat and energized, /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif so that might be even harder to do in your case.

It does sound like you are doing the right things... it might just take some time to find the right combination of things that works for you.

I'm sure there are others who have some more personal experiences that they can share. I just didn't want you to feel lonely without many replies to your post! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[Colin]

....it is very effective for my depression. It essentially stabilizes my moods. No drastic swings on way or another (except when horse shows roll around and I VERY excited!!!).

Anyway, I found it extremely helpful. I jump out of bed at 5am to clean stalls before work! Ask your doctor. What may be right for some isn't always for others. I honestly have had great success with it though! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

[sadalter]

thanks for your replies... it does help to hear that there are others out there who have felt similar, (even if they are only your friends, erin...)

[Robby Johnson]

In your heart you know what it is that is bothering you. You may not have the courage or the insight yet to verbalize it, but with any recovery, acceptance is the first step. I'm convinced that depression is something that most definitely can be beaten, but you've got to want to get better and you have to take responsibility for your recovery. No one can do it for you.

Don't blame your relationship for your depression now, unless there is something you need to say to him in order to let it go. Sometimes things you think are neatly sewn up and put away are actually what need to be addressed most.

Live for small goals. Set the smallest goals for yourself. If it's 5 minutes of inspiration at first, then make that your goal. Do something for others that will give yourself a sense of accomplishment. Go volunteer at an AIDS or cancer hospice. Go volunteer at a local handicapped riding program. Do something to force yourself to interact and to take your mind off of things.

Dwelling on things over which we have no control can drive us beserk. It's so not worth it. At the end of the day we put ourselves to bed and raise ourselves in the morning. We have to take charge of our lives and our health and happiness.

Best luck,

Robby

[rockstarr]

... Depression is just like any other condition - it can be chronic, depending on the sort, and sometimes people who are prone to it must take special care to be certain that their head, emotions and feelings are always (for the most part) in the right place, and take steps to correct it when it is not.

It sounds like you're doing all of those things. It's great that you are seeing a therapist, and also good that you are taking medication. However, if it's been 4 weeks on the meds, and you haven't seen much improvement yet, you may consider telling your doctor, and possibly altering your prescription.

I have found that the best thing to do during a low period is spend time with the people who understand and are patient with you. People who don't have problems with depression don't always understand, and you mention that your friends don't "get it." That's not uncommon. And it's not their fault. They're very lucky if depression has never touched their lives.

That said, you need to find some peers who can understand you (aside from any at this board). Find an anonymous support group in your hometown if you don't have a friend or two who's "been there, done that."

Also, I would suggest looking deep into your mood right now and finding something ... anything ... that gives you a bit of pleasure. If it's not the horses, that's okay. Maybe it's a book, movies, or even the silliest TV show. You need something to look forward to every day, even if you have to force yourself. It's likely that you still feel numb and a bit purposeless. That's completely normal. Once your meds get into your system, you'll see a difference, bit by bit.

I'm not sure your age or stage of life, so I can't tell if you work or go to school. But maintaining normalcy in those realms can be a challenge, as well.

Obviously, this is something I know a lot about. I've been through it for my own set of circumstances. One of the things I work for in my adult life, during my free time, is greater Depression Awareness. I know, it's oh-so-very Tipper Gore, but when I went through it myself, there was a lot of shame and second-guessing ... and it kept me from getting the help I needed right away. I wasted so much time worrying about the fact that I was "defective" or "weak" instead of getting right to the point and addressing the causes and effects. That's why I'm so open about it today. I'm a grown up, I'm actually a really strong woman professionally and personally, but I will always ... ALWAYS ... have to stop and check my head and make sure I'm on the right track. Like some people check their blood pressure.

Life is hard sometimes ... for everyone. I just want to say keep at it, day by day, and continue to watch your progress and consult your doctor and pretty soon I'm willing to bet that you'll see a difference. And, hopefully pretty soon, you'll feel stronger, and going to the barn will become a pleasant high-point in your life again.

Best of luck to you! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[Sleepy]

Besides going to therapy and taking your meds, you need to turn the focus outward. Volunteering is a great way to do that. Helping others has always been one of the best ways to help yourself.

[Robby Johnson]

I, too, meant to include a paragraph in my post about forgiving yourself for not feeling fantastic right now. Life is hard. When I was depressed the smallest, simplest things were so overwhelming to me. It literally took me 30 minutes each morning to get out of my apartment and I would have 3-4 anxiety attacks during that time span. When I started letting go of the control that I so desperately craved (and even now people who know me say, "my God, you were REALLY intense back then!") things got much better.

Depression is chronic for some. I'm thankful that I'm not one of them. And that's totally by choice. Sometimes I feel blue, and think "God, what if I get depressed again?" and I immediately say, "you know, tomorrow is a brand new day ... quit taking yourself and things so seriously and enjoy the day that you've lived today."

It's sappy and new-agey and such, but I swear, it works. I used to be a big antagonist of all of the positive thinkers. I thought, "they're so brainwashed." But I've now come to realize that I still hadn't gained enough strength then to be really honest with myself and identify why I was masochistically denying myself the happiness that I so desperately wanted. It was very much a subconcious thing. I didn't want to be happy because I secretly felt like I didn't deserve to be happy. That wasn't true.

Now, Wellbutrin not only helped me quit smoking, it did wonders for my mental state. I took it 5 months then transitioned to an anti-anxiety medication which I took for 2 years and then stopped taking 2 years ago.

Turning 30 was also the best thing that ever happened to me. I know it's just a number, but I swear, on my 30th birthday I peered through my sunburned corneas at Mass. General's ER in Boston (long story, freak tanning bed incident) and said goodbye to the boy I left in his 20's. I don't have time for bullshit, nor do I want to mire myself down in it anymore than I have to.

I really do wish you the best. It's hard, but keep talking about it and don't you EVER be ashamed to admit that you're depressed. You cannot help it and no one holds you responsible for it. But do really think about things and identify what you honestly consider your "cores." Live your life in a such a way as to grow your core. When you do that you will be happy, and it will last!

Robby

p.s. I also subscribe to www.beliefnet.com (http://www.beliefnet.com) and get their "Daily Buddhist Wisdom" quotes. So inspirational!

Hey~
I def. def. know what you are going through! If you'd email me crazymisspriss@hotmail.com I'd love to talk---I know exactly where you are....

**Elizabeth***
Disgruntled College Students Clique ROCKS!!!!!
Proud Bubblehead for 8 years
"Who can say when your heart sighs, only time" --Enya

[sadalter]

Rockstarr and Robby (and everyone else)--

Thanks for your replies. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I am trying to set small goals for each day, and be happy that I can complete them. I know that it will pass,and that I will be stronger for it, it just sucks for now. I feel like I am no fun to be with, that I can't think of anything to do....

It is hard to face this stuff. You're right, Robby... I know it has nothing to do with the relationship that ended, but what the relationship represented.... I am 33, and have a great job, many friends, and a great horse, but have had trouble with intimate relationships all my life. I am sad and embarrassed about that... I feel like it's something everyone else somehow knows how to do but I don't. I have to get to my "core," you're right, but right now I don't feel much like I have one. I am trying to be patient and kind to myself, and beleive that a core will emerge...

thanks again for your support. i think you guys are great.

[Nikki^]

I know what you are going through. The very best thing you can do is be around POSITIVE people. When I started hangin out with my brother again and seeing my friend, Brian (who is VERY positive) I felt awesome. I know how you feel about the guy things too. I spent 4 years in a long distance relationship and then after that dated two guys (not at once) who treated me like T-total CRAP. Now with my new guy I feel so much better. Get out, go to clubs and hang out with positive people.

You can make it babe! If I can do it, so can you!!!!!! Be thankful you have your horse. My self esteem was ROCK BOTTOM and now it is climbing back up because I stopped seeing negative people. Well I'm about to go with my honey.......

http://www.dmtc.com/dmtc98/Pedigree/ you can look up you Thoroughbred's Pedigree with photos 9 Genrations back!
Men come and go, but my horse will always love me!

[rockstarr]

I'm 30 so I'm right there with ya. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

I thought it was a pain in the keister when I had other people's weddings to go to every weekend. Now, it's other people's baby showers.

I tell people, who pester me with annoying questions that are none of their business:

"I'm skipping my first bad-marriage and inevitable divorce. But thanks for asking!"

But I agree with Robby ... something clicked in me this year when I turned dirty ... I mean, thirty. You'll start to click again, too. Don't worry about not being fun to be around. You can't be "on" all the time. Now is the time to be selfish. Especially about your own mental and emotional health. Everyone else can stick it if they don't like it.

You're the most important person in this whole equation, and sometimes it's hard to remember that. Regarding finding the right person, some people get it done early in life. I know I'm much more complicated than that. So I'm taking my time. Screw the social mores and other people's timelines, that's what I'm sayin'.

And, like some others, my email is in my profile. You're welcome to contact me any time you'd like! In fact, anyone who ever struggles with this kind of situation is welcome, as well. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[sadalter]

rockstarr--you're my hero today!
i may take you up on that email offer...
(btw, great picture in your profile...)

[Heidi]

I think we all, to varying degrees, go through periods in our life when the shit hits the fan and we become enveloped in an emotional torpor.

There's usually a trigger (in your case the end of a relationship), but it's not uncommon to succumb to, and become overwhelmed by, a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness; to be crippled by the memory of all the pain that you've ever experienced.

For me, at a time when I should have exhalted in the excitement of an engagement to my soul-mate, a successful academic career, a carefree existence in the city, I slept -- for three months. At a time when I should have looked forward to the future, I felt paralyzed by my past. I never did seek therapy, though probably should have, and it's thankfully never recurred since.

What helped me immeasurably was Hans' daily mantra that things would get better and the realization that I didn't have to control the entirety of the universe. Like Robby, I am actually thankful for that three-month period as it enabled me to psychically clean house - and let go of an imperfect childhood. I dealt with my 'core'.

At the very least, sadalter, know that you are not alone and that I am not the only one on this BB who'd offer a helping hand, shoulder to cry on, or an ear to gab into.

Continue with your therapy, speak to your doctor about other possible meds., set yourself up for small daily victories; and please do not isolate yourself from your friends and family.

Take care of yourself.

[poltroon]

I know this month has FELT like forever, but from my external experience, it seems that often the drugs take longer than that (6 weeks) to kick in. Or maybe one of the other drugs will work better for you.

As for riding, you don't need to tell all to your trainer if you don't want to, but you might mention that you're feeling discouraged and untalented and unconfident, and ask if maybe she can have you work on some exercises you're good at. I know that sometimes going back a step helps me remember how far I've come.

Take care of yourself. Maybe try to find some really good rollicking novels to pass some of the time - when I was sick and every minute was a torment, Harry Potter and some old juvenile/young adult horsey novels helped brighten my perspective.

[TrakHack]

What's great about this board is all the differing perspectives you get. I guess mine is a little different from others, in that when I'm really, really depressed there is *nothing* in life I look forward to, and just going through the motions of a day-to-day routine can be hard. What I've found is that finding an anti-depressant that works is a bit of trial and error. Zoloft made me happy, but also made me not care about anything important. Celexa was good for my mind, but I gained 30 pounds on it, and THAT depressed me even more! I'm taking Wellbutrin now, and it seems to ward off the depression while still allowing for normal emotions.

I guess I don't have any great advice here, but I know when I'm depressed the idea of never waking up again doesn't seem so bad. What keeps me going is thinking of the people and animals who care about me, remembering that I do make a difference in their lives. Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm not good enough for my horse, that I don't deserve her, that I'm short-changing her by my limitations, but then I think "Heck, she doesn't give a hoot such things. She loves me because I know just where to scratch her ears and I keep they hay coming." Similarly, when I feel like no one cares about me, I come home to my meowing cat and remember that at least SOMEONE missed me that day.

One thing I like to tell myself is "Well, things could be worse. And if they couldn't be worse, then they can only get better." I know this isn't the happiest of thoughts, and a bit trite, but just keeping it in mind seems to keep the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel shining for me.

Hang in there, and e-mail me any time you want.
Jill /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Proud member of the bull snap haters clique!

[ClemsonGraduateRider]

I am on Prozac and it does wonders for my mood, keeps me eating (sometimes too much) and makes me pleasant to be around. Not to mention it allows me to get up and go to class. Most anti-depressants take weeks to kick-in and if you miss doses or take a week/month off because you feel better you will relapse into the old ways. Continue doing what you are doing, take to heart some of the suggestions here and never never never think that its not worth working through the hard parts. IT WILL GET BETTER - it may take time but DO NOT GIVE UP!!! find little things that make you happy and focus on that part of your life not the negative parts.
Best of luck -
I can also be a sounding board if you would like - my email is in my profile as well.

[InWhyCee]

I'm really touched by the number of people who are responding to this and the things they've written. One of the worst things about depression is the thought that "No one knows what this is like," even though there are millions of people who do.

Sadalter, I suffered from recurring depression and anxiety attacks for nearly a decade; you are NOT alone in how you in how you feel. There were days when I couldn't be bothered to get out of bed and wash my hair, let alone ride; some of the feelings I had were, in retrospect, incomprehensible. While I can't "see" how you are, I can tell you that it will pass.

HOWEVER, I would encourage you to SEEK A SECOND OPINION FROM A PSYCHIATRIST, OR ANOTHER PSYCHIATRIST. While therapy can be wonderful, the roots of clinical depression are NOT in outside events or in other people. Depression is increasingly being shown to begin as a physical/ neurobiological condition. As others have said, the RIGHT antidepressant can be the key to getting past it. For me, it was Effexor.(Patients who do respond to Effexor generally show improvement within a month.) I have a friend who responds only to Paxil. Don't give up on finding the right thing for you.

Keep us updated; I am pulling for you.

*** "Any ride is good ride provided you dismount voluntarily." ***

[JustJump]

I can only add that as you go about your day, resolve to try to do good deeds, no matter how minor, along the way. Even the smallest thing, like being pleasant to a cashier who seems stressed, or thanking the postal worker (now THERE is job stress!), or picking up trash will give you a feeling of accomplishment. Even giving way to someone who is waiting to enter the roadway can give you a tiny nice feeling. It may not last all day, it may not be world altering, but it is something positive! Even if the rest of the day was rotten, you can look back and know that you did good in the world. After awhile, you might feel like figuring out something even more significant (I've always thought that I might like becoming a literacy volunteer) that will give you even more satisfaction. But start small, you will certainly feel the benefits right away, maybe even before those antidepressants kick in!

[Another Alter]

Another alter present. And, another situation for you all. I thought about bringing this up once, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. After several years of being depressed and not knowing it, I finally realized that depression was indeed my problem. I don't remember exactly how I came to that, but I did.
So, what's the problem? It's been over a year since then, and I haven't told anyone. You see, I'm not 18 yet and my parents openly express their dislike for psychologists, and really do think it's all in your head. I can tell when I am getting down, and I have good days and bad days, on some days I don't think about it at all, but on others it consumes me.
I've waited so long, it seems like a little longer won't hurt. But I have no friends in my high school, and I'm worried the same will happen in college.
I have everything I could want and more, yet I can't stay happy, I don't enjoy spending time with 99% of the people I know.

Is there any help out there for people under 18?

I've never told anyone partially because I don't believe I will ever physically hurt myself or anyone else. I've thought about it, yes, but I don't have the conviction to do anything.

So, guys, can anyone help me too?

I've listed an e-mail address (albeit not my normal one) that I will check if anyone feels like e-mailing.

God, I can't believe I actually got this all written down.

[Seven]

I just want to add something regarding drugs.

Someone mentioned that therapy is the most important aspect to getting better. However, while therapy is an important part feeling better, there are very important reasons to ALSO take medication.

The depressed mind produces certain chemical changes. During talk therapy, the patient makes emotional and social changes that help the body rebalance these brain chemicals on its own. (So you really can think and talk yourself well.) Still, if the problem that brought on the depression is complex (and almost all are) the chemical changes that occur in the brain continue and compound with prolonged depression. Thus, the illness that begins as pysho-social becomes medical. The drugs on the market today are targeted to rebalance these chemicals to a normal level. Research shows that both talking therapy and drugs, either alone or together, can return these chemical levels to normal, but just talk therapy alone takes much longer than using both together. In other words, find a competent psychotherapist you like, and take your meds (once you've found one that works). Its extremely important to your long-term well being.

It is also important to know that just like many other physical illnesses, depression left untreated can become chronic (meaning that the chemicals in the brain can no longer rebalance themselves without medical/prescriptive intervention). Don't ignore depression. Treat it just as you would any other medical condition.

=^+^=

[Heidi]

Another Alter, if it helps, you can relay to your parents the tragedy suffered by my parents -- who for years, due to shame, suspicion, and incomprehension, ignored by sister's clear signs of 'mental distress'.

While everyone pretended that all was well in the household, and my sister attended McGill on full scholarship, she had a complete breakdown. My parents had to fly to Montreal to bring her home.

For the last 20+ years she has been in and out of hospitals, on various meds, through a turnstile of psychologists.

Had she been seen by a psychologist when the first obvious symptoms presented themselves, I do wonder how differently her life would have turned out -- not to mention my parents', who've reconciled themselves now to the fact that they must take care of her for the rest of their lives.

Is there a family doctor, a school counsellor or teacher you can speak to? Perhaps the parent of a friend, your trainer - an adult that you trust who can perhaps speak to your parents to explain to them the gravity of the situation.

The last thing I'd want to do is doubt your pain; but self-diagnosis is often a self-fulfilling prophecy. I, for one, was convinced that I had MS in my '20's and used to hyperventilate myself into numbness - post EEG, weekly visits to neurologists, it turned out to be an overactive thyroid.

I know that there's pressure when young to be popular and surrounded by thousands of friends but my theory as an old fart has become, if you have two friends in life who would doubtlessly and unconditionally rush to your side should something happen, you're luckier than most.

You are more than welcome to email me should you wish to 'talk'.

[Nirvana]

A few years ago, I was an elite sprinter with sights set on the Olympics. My world revolved around running, training, dreaming of singing the National Anthem. Little did I know that at the same time as my personal best was a mere .03 seconds from the Olympic Trials qualifying standard that I was about to suffer what I thought was a fate worse than death- being forced to give up running. It happened in an instant...one minute I was practicing block starts in my garage, the next, I was on the floor, clutching my left ankle in pain. (The same ankle that I had had a ligament reconstructed in just 2 years before). I limped and hobbled around for 2 weeks, even qualified for league finals, then it took a turn for the worse and I could barely walk. Finals were out, Olympic trials were out, and, after a bone scan, running was out...for good. With my history of ligament reconstruction, plus this injury (I fractured the tibia and fibula), I would never be able to fully recover enough to safely sprint again. It was over.

I was beyond depressed. The thing I had lived and breathed for was suddenly a part of my past. I found it hard to motivate myself to eat healthy, do my exercises, even wear the leg supports. Why should I, I wondered, I'll never run again. Everything looked so awful, and the world seemed to be against me in every way. So, I, being a naturally positive person normally, decided to retrain my mind the same way I had trained my body.

It worked like this: every day, before getting out of bed, I made myself think of one thing that I had to look forward to that day. It could be small...like "Today's turkey sandwich day in the cafeteria" or "Today it's supposed to be sunny." It could be something big like a birthday or a celebration. It could be ANYTHING so long as I had something positive to look forward to. It worked wonders...soon, with one thing looking good, the rest of the world started looking better, too. I eventually reclaimed my happy-go-lucky personality and put running behind me as a very special part of my past. Thank goodness I still was able to ride; going to the barn and just snuggling up with the horses I loved made so much difference. I was soon able to take that energy I had channeled for track and focus it elsewhere.

I have since reccomended this to everyone, whether they be suffering from depression, having a bad day, or just need to find something to smile about. Every day, think of something special that's going to happen that day and then look forward to it all day like a kid at Christmas. With one thing looking bright, the rest of the world will hopefully begin to shine again for you.

I wish you all the best, and if you ever want to chat, my email is on my profile and my IM name is speedybeetle3417. <<<<<<<hugs>>>>>>>

PNW Clique: Fuzzy Horses, Frizzy Humans!

[Robby Johnson]

Heidi,

I so cannot wait to meet you! /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif You just totally put into words so much about my life too.

AA, I came from a family that also looked down on mental illness. God forbid anyone admit to being physically and mentally flawed. We were warriors. It was hard.

My problems started after I moved away and when 175 pound Robby came back from Christmas, four months later, at 148 pounds, everyone started whispering. When I told my mother what was happening she said, "just get over it."

Oh. Well why didn't I think of that? Boy, that's an easy solution.

Well, I did get over it. But not instantly. I did it by realizing that my parents - as much as I love them - aren't me. My life is mine to live. My depression was my battle. I remained a warrior, but a warrior of a different kind. One who was compassionate to mental illness and who knows what it's like to have dark days.

I will never forget, as long as I live, standing in front of a 3-way mirror at Prada in a $1500 outfit (which I bought) and having 3 staff members fawning all over me saying things like, "this is the body Miuccia Prada designs clothes for." I literally had this out of body experience almost, and was staring at a person I didn't even recognize.

I'm so glad it's over. And what I took from the entire experience is that I would never want anyone to go through what I went through.

My parents always told me to tell the truth. I sometimes think they probably regretted that when I told them I was gay. When I told them I was depressed. You get the picture.

Never sway from the truth. It's the only thing that is real.

To saldalter ... I have numerous thirtysomething single girlfriends who are going through what you are going through. Ask yourself this question. Is it worth the misery to achieve a social ideal? So you're not married. Big deal. Madonna wasn't either. Sharon Stone wasn't either. You get the picture.

Relationships aren't always hunky-dory either. It's hard work. You go be fabulous at 33. You go be fabulous at 43. As Sharon Stone said in Basic Instinct, "I don't make any rules Nick ... I go with the flow." Being a little hedonistic is always healing!!!!!

Robby

[agedbayhunter]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Louise:
An antidepressant that works for some people won't work for others. If the one you are on isn't working, go back and have them try something else. You may have to try several to find one that works for you.

Keep talking to your therapist, he/she is the one who can help you the most. You can deal with depression, but it takes time and effort. It is not surprising that you are still feeling depressed after only a month.
__________________________________________________

Louise is right. Your therapist may have to fiddle with medication a bit to find the one that works for you. And it will take time to climb back up out of this. Be patient. Just realize that you have taken the important first step -- recognizing the problem and then getting outside help -- and that there are a lot of us out here who have dealt with depression successfully.

This board seems to provide a great support system. When I first realized I had a problem -- 20 years ago -- I was embarrassed, ashamed and timid about getting help. I had only my husband and a close friend to give me the encouragement I needed. People are much more willing to share their own experiences today. Let them cheer you on! Good luck and hang in there; we're on your side!

[hunterested]

Once again I am thinking what good ideas and advice this bb has to offer.

May I add that some of my best "life lessons" and realizations have come from reading. I just go to the bookstore (my second favorite place) and wander around letting the book almost "pick me"!

One of the most fascinating subjects I have found this past year involves Chakras (the energy centers) of the body. In my reading, I have found that what I "thought" was my problem may have started in a totally different chakra and because that energy center has been blocked or shut down, it affected the surrounding centers as well. My entire system may have been running in a compromised state. It amazes me that through meditation exercises and visualization, I can feel energized and/or peaceful and/or open. I highly recommend it as an interesting study. I believe there's a lot to be said for its philosophy.

There are some really good books out there that might help you open up your energy centers. Trust me.... I am not a new age fanatic but the subject seems to make sense.

If Chakras don't interest you, I still advise going to the library or bookstore; maybe even research the internet. There is vast information out there and if all else fails, pick up a good novel and get lost in that!!! Just peruse the good book threads on this bb....that ought to keep one intrigued for a while.

Try to smile and compliment others if you can. I know this probably sounds ludicrous at this time but it has a huge reward. The good feeling in your heart when smiling or encouraging others to smile is contagious. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon. /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[nhwr]

After my first child was born, I found myself depressed. I don't think this was your garden variety post partum thing, it was stress induced. I had been on bed rest for months, he (my son) was 3 months premature and very sick. I had been this woman who had it all (nice horse, big job and paycheck, etc) and then suddenly for no reason, nothing was the same and nothing was working out at all. I couldn't go back to work because the baby was so sick, I felt like a reproductive failure because I hadn't carried him to term and I wasn't getting a paycheck anymore. I didn't know who I was. I went to counseling and that did help. But what helped the most was the knowledge that what happened in my life was up to me. And also, "humming a few bars and faking it". I used to play this little game with myself I called "What would I do today if I felt like it?" Then I would do that. Some days the goals were as simple as putting makeup on or making my bed. Other days I was more ambitious. But I learned that you develop self esteem by doing things you can feel good about.

The longest journey starts with a single step. So every step counts, just take one.

Good luck.

[Heidi]

Sadalter, Another Alter, visit this most wonderful site -- and read the profile of William Styron, one of the best American writers (ever!!) and a survivor of depression.

http://www.familyaware.org

[Dry Clean Only]

What a timely topic...

I myself had issues as a younger teen got treated for depression and 'sutting' with Zolaft, and I agree that it makes it better but makes you not care about anything, which discouraged me from attempting to go back for treatment the next time I had a relapse /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

After that I decided I was just fine, which I was for a while. Everytime I started to feel 'it' coming on I just ignored it, because I decided that feeling bad once in a while was better than not feeling anything at all (which is how it was for me on zolaft).

Now a lot of things have added up in my life to make me realize that I need to go back into treatment. It runs in my family, and I agree with the others who say that it truely is a physiological condition, not just 'all in your head'. My body just doesn't function on the same level as the "normal"/non depressed person. Always tired and bored, but having ZERO motivation to do anything but sit around /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif My hormones aren't helping either - on and off BC I now have major PMS triggered mood swings where I simply hate everything for a week out of every month.

I wonder if I had just accepted and done something about this earlier I wouldn't be where I am now - on academic suspension from school (sleeping was MUCH more important than chemistry) with no motivation to return, my long term relationship in serious trouble (it's hard to be happy with someone else when you aren't happy with yourself, and looking to someone else to 'fix' you or make you feel better is not going to work), and very few friends for support (going out and being social is just too hard, and can you really trust anyone anyways?)

The worst part is that I no longer have health insurance (not a full time student? no insurance for you!), which makes the medical care I now need prohibitively expensive.

So now it is just going to have to be the 'chin up' approach for me for a while, which is just going to have do it until I start school again in the fall. Lucky for me I have never been one to sink so far as to be a danger to myself (watching my best friend lose her first love to suicide at the age of 15 showed me to never let yourself sink that far without asking for help:()

Any other non-medication suggestions from anyone to help me pull myself through the next 6 months would be greatly appreciated.

And thanks for the vent to everyone on the thread!

[ponygrl]

one word - celexa.

i got tired of feeling like crap, my mom wasn't supportive. so i made an appointment with my primary care physician (patient confidentiality) and talked to him for about 2 hours, came out with a bottle of orange pills and a followup in 6 weeks.

Within a week my mom said I was another person. I haven't had that follow up yet, but drugs work. Don't deny that, I know people don't want chemicals ruling their lives, but I will take it over being miserable anyday.

Laura

[starlady]

I think Another Alter's family must be related to mine..thou shalt suffer horribly rather than let anyone know that we are not perfect. I was mad about that for years, now I feel sorry for all the generations that had to struggle not only with depression but with feelings of shame and stigma.

Anyway, yes you can get help without your family knowing. Start by telling the therapist or counseler that you want this kept secret. They will probably respond by telling you the conditions under which they will break confidence, as for instance if you report child abuse (just a legal example). If the problem is that you can't pay full fare for a therapist without your parents' help, call a hotline for referral to a free/cheap clinic, or, and I personally had very good luck with this option, look to the clergy. Most ministers/pastors/rabbis/whatever have serious training in counseling, they are free, and they usually don't care if you go to their church or any. They just can't prescribe medication.

If anyone still needs to hear that depression is nothing to be ashamed of, look at this thread: the posters who have talked about their own depressions include some of the nicest people, the best riders (SEE, A HORSE TOPIC) and the most reliable friends in the BB. Good for us!!--s.

[dogchushu]

A while back a close family member was treated for depression, at the same time my then roommate was treated for an anxiety disorder. I'll just add my two cents about the medication: hang in there, it takes TIME to find the ride kind AND the right dosage.

My roommate started on Paxil. Had bad side effects (sever diarrhea) and fatigue. The side effects started in a week. The doctor said the side effects can start right away, but the benefits can take 4 weeks to kick in. So (I know you hate to hear this) be patient. My roommate switched to Celexa. No bad side effects (none she couldn't live with) but a small amount of fatigue which she dealt with by taking her pill before bed. She was over it if she got a full 8 hours of sleep. However, the first dosage wasn't strong enough. I think they raised her medication twice (if I can recall correctly) and EACH TIME it took the full four weeks for the benefits to kick in. So it took 3 months to get it straightened out for her. But don't despair! It did work in the end.

My family member started out on Paxil and had no serious side effects (it's all different for different people) but, like my roommate, had to have the dosage increased. For her, it took three weeks each time for the meds to really kick in.

Neither drug changed their personalities or made them apathetic. I think my roommate's doctor told her if she felt apathetic about things that was a sign the dosage was too high or the drug was the wrong type.

Sadalter, you mentioned that you have a hard time getting out of bed. That could be the depression, but it could be a side effect of the meds. Be sure to talk to your perscribing doctor. He/she will be able to help you figure out which it is.

Both were in talk therapy, but the meds helped bring them to a point where they had the right frame of mind to participate in therapy (particularly my roommate who was such an anxiety ridden mess that she couldn't effectively participate in her sessions, she was kind of trapped in a bizarre mental feedback loop).

Moral of the story: it takes time, but there IS light at the end of the tunnel. Both my roommate and my family member had great results from their meds.

[JustJump]

to you through your school or church- either will surely be sensitive to your situation.

And don't worry--college and high school are NOTHING alike!!!!

At college, you will discover you are NOT the wierdo you think you are!! You will find yourself free to pursue your own interests on your own terms, and suddenly you will find yourself surrounded by kindred spirits; colleges are gathering places where former outcasts find themselves part of the most stimulating, interesting communities...there are so many opportunities for expression and interraction that aren't available in HS that is is like night and day. In high school you are trapped by your own assumptions and expectations as well as everyone else's and by rigid social codes...if you ask me HS is a total den of evil (just my opinion-based on horrible high school experiences and wonderful college ones that amazed me, as I had become convinced that I was condemmned to a lifetime of nerdity). Anyway, DO take advantage of whatever counseling is available to you at school...and in the end, your parents may surprise you as well, by being more open than you think they are.

[Erin]

LOL... wow, Just Jump, did we go to the same high school and college? My experience was just like that, too. Night and day.

[InWhyCee]

I was only able to open up to my therapist when the medication improved my outlook to the point where talk therapy made sense. It is not the cheapest route (and how insurance companies hate to pay for talk therapy!) but both are essential; there are reams of studies that suggest "either-or" treatments rarely work.

To the Alters: If you haven't already, please consider getting a full physical from your primary care physician. (AnotherAlter, this is something your parents should be willing to consider before you head off to college!) Sometimes depression is triggered by, or exacerbated by, another condition, such as underactive thyroid, chronic-fatigue syndrome, or severe PMS.

*** "Any ride is good ride provided you dismount voluntarily." ***

[hoodoo]

EMAIL ME!!
hoodoomule@yahoo.com

[DMK]

Another Alter, I too must add my praises of school counselors. I am pretty sure it is the reason why a friend of mine is alive today (her family had similar attitudes towards psychologists - or she believed they had similar attitudes - sometimes one's perceptions may not be totally accurate, but it really doesn't matter, it's our perceptions that govern us in most instances).

I also spent a lot of time with the counselor. Initially I went as support to my friend, but as my own family started a tailspin into Really Special Dysfunctionality, the school counselor (and my English teacher) were probably the most important people in helping me cope with my life at that time.

Also, your parents may have a what is known as an ESP (Employee Services Plan) as part of their company benefits. This is an anonymous number you can call to get access to counseling services, legal services, etc., and they MUST preserve your confidentiality. You may be able to find the number from the corporate website.

Sadalter - please don't feel as if you are the only one who can't seem to make a relationship work (or start). You are so not alone. In fact I think I have just officially adopted rockstar's statement about avoiding a bad marriage and inevitable divorce.

I can't say that I suffer from depression per se, but I have certain been a victim of profound mood swings, and by nature I have always been a bit of a loner, so when the downward swing hits, it can be very hard to find ways to drag yourself out of it. Robby and Rockstar are right about small steps. Even if you have to write them down to give yourself visible proof of progress.

Another thing to at least consider is hormonal balance (assuming you are female). Even though I am not old (5 precious months until the death watch of 40 hits /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif ), I started experiencing all the symptoms of premenopause. Worst of all were the violent mood swings (sort of like a factor of 20 on the old mood swing). They were truly awful, and I couldn't do anything to correct them - I have never felt so out of control in my life, and sadly, control is kind of an issue with me. I talked to my regular doctor and my OB/Gyn, and both agreed that I should go on the pill 24/7 (there were also other physical symptoms present), and since that point in time, the really violent shifts in mood have stopped. All this happened at a point when I was laid off from my job, and somehow I have managed to escape major depression, so I have to believe that hormonal imbalance was a serious part of any depression I was dealing with.

[DMK]

Hmmm, InWhyCee - we must have been on the same wavelength there... /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

[Patsducky]

Dear Sadalter: I have been in that bottomless pit, twice - when it is an effort to roll over in bed, let alone get up...when it seems that the whole world is painted in grey and black....when you feel you are hanging onto the wall of a deep, bottomless pit and you are loosing your grip...when it hurts to think, it hurts to LIVE, and you see no hope.... and I have something very, very important to tell you: I am here - I made it, and so can you...I'll help you - let me try to help you!!! I have been through two long, severe clinical depressions. Numerous medications, numerous combinations of medications, seemingly endless months of waiting for the meds to work, then changing meds, and waiting again....uncounted therapy sessions - and finally, each time I resorted to ECT (which worked), but the point here is that I made it back - I never thought I would...but I did. And I know that you feel no one can understand, but I can...hang on, hold tight, and please let me try to help you !

[Patsducky]

This is Pat again - I forgot to give you my e-mail address: patsducky@AOL.com Contact me if you want to "talk"!

[sadalter]

gosh, everyone. i'm so touched by everyone's responses. i just got into work and saw how big the thread had gotten, and was amazed.

I did get up and go to my lesson today (and stayed on a couple of HUGE bucks my horse threw at me for being so wobbly). So I am trying to have that be my accomplishment for the day... I will get through the work day, go home and have a bath, and try to be pleased with myself for that much. The rest can come later...

thanks again, everyone.

and to Another Alter, I agree with all the posters who say to try to get help. It's scary, but it will be OK...

[heelsdown]

Thought this was interesting, one more reason to wear an approved helmet.

Tuesday January 15 10:27 AM ET

Head Injury Linked to a Risk of Future Depression

By Melissa Schorr

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - People who suffer a traumatic head injury may be at increased risk of developing bouts of depression over their life span, a team of researchers reports.

``The risk of depression does not end a year or two after head injury,'' senior author Dr. Brenda L. Plassman told Reuters Health. ``Clinicians need to be aware and watch for symptoms of depression,'' said Plassman, who is head of the program in epidemiology of dementia at Duke University Medical Center, Durham, North Carolina.

Plassman and colleagues studied World War II veterans who had been hospitalized either for head injury, pneumonia or wounds during the war. The researchers compared 520 veterans with head injuries to nearly 1,200 veterans hospitalized for other reasons. Both groups were evaluated for their lifetime risk of depression 50 years after hospitalization.

Head injury was defined as a trauma to the head that caused either a loss of consciousness or amnesia. The head injuries were caused by events such as car crashes, blasts, fights with peers, falls and sports injuries.

The investigators found that the lifetime prevalence of major depression in veterans who had suffered a head injury was almost 19%, compared with about 13% of veterans who had not suffered a head injury.

The researchers also found that the more severe the head injury, the greater the lifetime risk of depression. For example, those who had the most severe head injuries had nearly double the lifetime risk of depression, according to the report in the January issue of the Archives of General Psychiatry.

``It's possible there's either structural or functional changes caused by head injury in parts of our brain which may be associated with depression,'' Pressman explained.

With more than 1.2 million Americans experiencing head injury each year, a possible link to long-term risk of depression would be a critical public health issue, Pressman said. ``Depression is a condition which has a great cost to individuals across a life span, a decreased quality of life and a medical cost,'' she noted.

These findings also suggest that prevention and treatment of head injury needs to be taken more seriously. ``We may need to look at technologies for helmets when playing sports, or any situation where head injury is a risk,'' she said. ``Our findings should also encourage clinicians to look at ways of most effectively treating head injuries right away, to hopefully prevent these long-term effects.''

In an accompanying editorial, Drs. Robert G. Robinson and Ricardo Jorge of the University of Iowa College of Medicine's psychiatry department suggest that a randomized treatment trial of depression in patients with acute traumatic brain injury (TBI) should be conducted. ``The growing evidence that depressive disorder plays an important role in the long-term course of TBI emphasizes the need for such a trial,'' they noted.

SOURCE: Archives of General Psychiatry 2002;59:17-24.

[Blue Devil]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Heidi:
Sadalter, Another Alter, visit this most wonderful site -- and read the profile of William Styron, one of the best American writers (ever!!) and a survivor of depression.

http://www.familyaware.org<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Heidi, thanks for posting that site.

My parents are good friends with the (now-ex) president and his wife of a fairly prestigous college and they got to eat dinner (just my parents, Mr. Styron, and the president and his wife) with him.

I don't know if this is public knowledge, but my father told me recently (this happenned years ago) Mr. Styron talked about attempting suicide.

Other resources:

www.wingsofdarkness.com (http://www.wingsofdarkness.com)

**~~Emily~~** proud
member of the junior clique!
Emily@catchride.com

[avatar]

In addition to your medication and therapy, you may also want to make sure your diet is nutritionally balanced. I would talk to your doctor or a nutritionist about taking a mineral supplement (preferably colloidal minerals or other readily bioavailable minerals), look into taking enzymes with meals to assist in digestion, look at taking a calcium magnesium supplement, look into taking blue-green algae as a supplement and perhaps do a colon cleanse. (Oh, and drink lots of water.) You are currently blocked and while you are treating your mind, it can't hurt to also focus on your body. All of these things will help free your body of toxins and help bring your ph levels back into balance. This can also go a long way in improving your mental state.

Also, has your physician done a CBC? I had a bout of depression a few months ago (mainly b/c of stress at the job and also probably from the remnants of an ex-mistake that I broke up with a few months prior). I didn't get out of bed for a week. I had been so tired for a while too. The tests my doctor ran showed that I have iron-deficiency anemia, so now I'm working to replenish my depleted iron stores. Just an idea.

Anyway, I wish you well. This too shall pass.

[Heidi]

Who's among the greatest living American writers, he wrote a book in '90 entitled Darkness Visible, which recounts his own experience with depression - a condition he compares to an overwhelming sense of 'suffocation or drowning'.

[Trixie]

I was diagnosed in fourth or fifth grade, and I've been on drugs essentially since that time. I've seen numerous suicidal depressed friends, etc, etc, had plenty of my own issues too. If you ever want to talk, it's trixie@erols.com or editorial@georgetowner.com

[Halo Effect]

I was depressed for a while right after I started high school, my problem was that I was switching from a private school to a public school and I knew absolutely no one!!! But we did go to a doctor and he recommended Zoloft, we never did try it b/c after a few weeks I actually started getting my perkiness up, that is after talking to various people and just telling them everything... what a great thing! I don't really know what to say, but talking to other people about it really helped me alot, and also doing things with my old friends helped a ton too

Catherine the former *bennet&bailey*
~Unapproved Princess Clique~
The perfect hunt horse should" 'Ave the 'ead of a duchess an the arse of a cook"
Ridin Horses is what I love, that's why my Bailey is from heaven above!!

[Blue Devil]

I searched "Depression" and "Equine" and I found a list-serv on YahooGroups! for "equine enthusiasts who suffer from depression."

Here's the link: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/horses_depression/

I have no idea if it's good, but it's worth a try!

**~~Emily~~** proud
member of the junior clique!
Emily@catchride.com

[shiloh]

I'll add my two cents worth here, sadalter - I have been thru the same thing. It was not until recently that I discovered that I was suffering from clinical depression and that I had in fact, been suffering from it all my life. At one time, I stopped eating - dropped down to 90 lbs. I was a walking talking stick. I was told to quit being stupid, get over it, that all I wanted was attention - ugh, it was awful. The last time I lost a job over it, could not get out of bed, could not see my horse, when I rode I cried - I was paralyzed. I got on meds and they helped. I still have panic and anxiety attacks - I find there is a difference between them. I get by, though.

What I have to say is that you will get past this - it will get better. Do what you have to do, whatever that may be. Take meds, talk to a therapist, stay in bed - whatever. Be a little self-indulgent, a little selfish and don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Keep in mind these two things - (1) the first step to solving the problem is recognizing that you have one and (2) Be here now. I am giving you a hug and a hankie and my thoughts are with you. If you want to talk, email me shilohsmom@yahoo.com

Robby, I totally connected with what you were saying. I went thru the same thing - less the expensive suit hee hee hee, but the same anyway. You speak the truth.....

Heelsdown - very interesting about the connection with head injuries and depression. In my life I have had several bad blows to the head and your information intrigues me and has certainly made me think about the tie between my injuries and when they occurred and when I got depressed. Thanks.

[This message was edited by shiloh on Jan. 16, 2002 at 07:56 AM.]

[Robby Johnson]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shiloh:
I'll add my two cents worth here, sadalter - I have been thru the same thing. It was not until recently that I discovered that I was suffering from clinical depression and that I had in fact, been suffering from it all my life. At one time, I stopped eating - dropped down to 90 lbs. I was a walking talking stick. I was told to quit being stupid, get over it, that all I wanted was attention - ugh, it was awful. The last time I lost a job over it, could not get out of bed, could not see my horse, when I rode I cried - I was paralyzed. I got on meds and they helped. I still have panic and anxiety attacks - I find there is a difference between them. I get by, though.

What I have to say is that you will get past this - it will get better. Do what you have to do, whatever that may be. Take meds, talk to a therapist, stay in bed - whatever. Be a little self-indulgent, a little selfish and don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Keep in mind these two things - (1) the first step to solving the problem is recognizing that you have one and (2) Be here now. I am giving you a hug and a hankie and my thoughts are with you. If you want to talk, email me shilohsmom@yahoo.com

Robby, I totally connected with what you were saying. I went thru the same thing - less the expensive suit hee hee hee, but the same anyway. You speak the truth,sistah.

Heelsdown - very interesting about the connection with head injuries and depression. In my life I have had several bad blows to the head and your information intrigues me and has certainly made me think about the tie between my injuries and when they occurred and when I got depressed. Thanks.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

This is very true, and probably the most important thing I can say ... if you want to get better, and you want to quit feeling like you feel, you WILL get better ... it will just take time. Everyone told me that when I was so messed up and it was so hard to believe. I couldn't see how I could ever feel better. But I did (with the help of a TB mare who'll go un-named here!) and it's true.

Robby

[diKecnadnuS]

i wrote this really long reply, telling my story and it was full of things that helped me...but i didn't have the nerve to post it bc i am sure someone on these boards knows me. actually i know for sure that my trainer posts here, and so do people i ride with. i deleted it right before i could press post now. i'm sorry. i will say that making yourself happy is a key thing that has helped me. don't wait around for other people to make you happy. for instance i sent myself on flowers, if someone else had sent me flowers then i would've been thrilled...but i was happy bc i got flowers(even if they were from myself). also, keep seeing your therapist. and you aren't a bad person for not going to the barn and wanting to see your horse (had i not deleted it i would've talked about that more specifically)...im sorry.

[Hopeful Hunter]

Feeling depressed, clinically depressed, is one of the loneliest feelings in the world and I'm SO sorry you're there. It's a pit I don't wish on anyone.

I've dealt with depression and a mild form of bi-polar disorder my whole life. I don't get really manic, but there have been times when my mood can swing in literally 30 seconds (try explaining to an acquaintance why you were happy and chatting one moment and changed the radio station and decided that song was too sad and burst into tears). And I've had very serious bouts of depression where not only was I not sure I'd come out, I wasn't sure I wanted to try.

For me, doing the "I'm not as bad as X is" comparisons are deadly. That just makes me feel like I have no right to feel depressed (uh, yeah, I do have other issues with oh, self esteem and such, too, thanks for noticing /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif ). But everyone is different.

I do think having a good therapist is important. And the drugs may help -- but you will need to keep discussing your reactions with your doctor to find the right one.

Some other things to try may be finding a place to explore or express your spiritual side, re-reading favorite comforting books or going to visit an old friend. I didn't want to see anyone in my darkest days, but the last time this happened (a car accident that resulted eventually in spine surgery - the pain, fear and drugs put me in a very dangerous place) I pulled on what nearly 20 years of therapy had given me and forced myself to reach out and let people know I was miserable, a b&tch to be around and I really needed them to come help me. And they did! I still don't believe it. And it helped so much.

If you can, go out or just be around those friends who are close and kind enough to handle it. They don't understand -- if you haven't been there, you can't -- but what you need from them is their acceptance and support. Just try to tell them that.

As to riding -- maybe you want to suspend lessons and just ride for fun, or talk to your trainer and tell him/her you're in a tough spot and need to work on familiar things that you can feel successful about. This is NOT giving up or giving in to the depression -- this is being smart and taking care of yourself.

And try to give yourself permission to both feel bad and to accept help. Let your hair down and rent the stupid movie; buy the National Enquirer; get a new box of crayons and a coloring book; visit your friend and do nothing but cry in your wineglass while you listen to sappy music by candlelight. It's ok. People won't think you're "weak" or "ill" if you do -- they'll feel proud that you chose them to help, and closer because of it.

Good luck as you go through this. And you WILL go through this. It only feels like it lasts forever.

[spoiledsweet]

I went into a horrible tailspin of depression a couple of years ago. It was one of those things where everything just came crashing down at once and I didn't know where to turn. I didn't want to get out of bed, didn't want to face my days. (Sometimes I still don't, but now it's related to immediate stressors rather than serious depression.) I did therapy for a while, and that helped pull me through the darkest part, but therapy's darn hard work. I needed more than that to get me back on track.

I hugged my cats alot. I watched a lot of sitcoms. When I could force myself to the barn, I cried into my horse's mane. I didn't make myself work him. But a large part of the problem was that my coursework was so demanding, I didn't have sufficient time to take care of myself. That was really tough. I just kept getting out of bed and forcing myself through the day. I excused myself for being a grump, and didn't pressure myself. If I just couldn't get an assignment done on time, I told the professor I was really struggling in my personal life and doing the best I could. They were remarkably understanding. I did my best each day, one day at a time, and accepted that that had to be good enough. My grades weren't great, but I pulled through. Part of the reason I made it through that year and a half was that I leaned heavily on a girlfriend of mine.

My girlfriend was kind enough to tolerate my incessant unhappiness. She had been there herself years before me, when she ended her relationship with her fiance. She told me a story about a morning that she woke up and did not want to get out of bed and face her day. She literally went down the stairs on her butt because she could not find the strength to stand up. Know what? She's great now. She made it. And so will you. Her story inspired me to keep going. I just kept picturing her in her pjs, on her butt, going down those steps one at a time. I think rockstarr's advice regarding finding a support group is great. Find strength in others when you don't feel you have it in yourself. You need to talk to other people who know what you're going through.

Another thing that helped me was forcing myself to go out and be social, even though my friends had never gone through what I was going through. It was so hard, but sometimes I forgot myself, and found myself laughing and having a good time. Even if only for a few moments. Those times increased little by little.

Another person suggested re-reading a favorite book. I must have read Bridget Jones's Diary a hundred times; ditto for Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. It's light, easy reading, really funny, and reaffirms that we all have things we wish were different. When we're depressed, we are not alone, and I think it's really important to remember that. Rockstarr also said indulging in a silly TV show might help. When I was really depressed, I watched the Golden Girls as much as I could. I still do. It seems stupid, but that TV show always made me feel better, and still does. I think it's a reminder that there are people in your life who will always love you, no matter what. And that, whatever life hands you, you can deal with it. We don't have to be graceful and perfect all the time - we just have to do the best we can on any given day with whatever we're equipped with at the time.

Forgive the rambling nature of the post. It's hard to organize my thoughts on this. I just wanted to share too. I think it's great that so many of us are willing to talk about our experiences. It always helps to know you are not alone. Best wishes.

[sadalter]

(esp. rockstarr.... /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif)

I was surprised, and glad, to see this thread resurface, because I wanted to thank everyone who took the time to be supportive and share their stories. It really, really helped me when I was feeling so awful. I printed out the thread and read it just about everyday for a while there.

I went through a very rough two months, but am feeling much better. The antidepressants definitely kicked in, and I feel like a different person. Not everything in my life is great, but I can absolutely deal with it. Everyday stress, sadness, and insecurity are a whole different ball game than serious depression.

I am afraid about a relapse, terrified that I will become undone again, but I think I have gained some strength and perspective from this. It's so lovely just to be able to enjoy simple things again... (like food; I've regained all the weight I lost on my depression diet, unfortunately, but I'd much rather be fat and happy, like my horse, than miserable and thin). I'm having a blast riding, and am planning a trip to the Yorkshire Riding Center next week.

I posted this under "sadalter" so people would know that I was the thread starter, but wanted to come out as myself... I usually post as "stephanie." I was in such a state when I started the thread that anonymity felt crucial; being ashamed of what was happening to me was a big part of how I was feeling. But I don't feel any of that now, and want to do my part for the "anti-stigmatization" of depression.

So, I will keep everyone posted, and thanks so much again. This board really is full of amazing people.

[Fred]

well said. This thread has been very touching - by the very fact that so many members have been willing to share the fact of their illness.
Depression, because it is considered a 'mental' illness - when in fact it is as physical as diabetes - always gets pushed aside, shoved under the carpet, or dismissed.
I have had bouts of depression for most of my adult life - probably earlier , just not diagnosed then.
and so many people have given such good, heart-felt advice on this BB! All I can do is reiterate: find the meds that work for you, take them (this coming from me, the worst patient ever), look after your health, set small goals, and feel satisfaction in achieving them.
When I am going through periods of not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to wash my hair, or get out my pyjamas having horses has always helped...at least I get out of bed!! (horses HAVE to be fed, turned out, stalls cleaned) .. even if I do it all in my pyjamas. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
Sometimes it helps to make a list. When you are depressed it's hard to accomplish anything, you often start many projects, finish nothing, feel all disorganized and disoriented - and then feel bad about yourself because you have accomplished nothing. I make a list, that sometimes starts, "get up" "and I check that off.
I remind myself daily how very lucky I am (although I know full well that that has nothing to do with clinical depression) - but nonetheless I remind myself of that. What beautiful horses I have. That whatever has gone wrong, "is not Bosnia"... and "when they write the History of the Universe, this mistake, failure, whatever, won't be in it..." and sometimes I do sing myself stupid songs, like that "pick yourself up,dust yourself off" song - foolish, but at least it makes me laugh.
and most important you are not alone. Often families, even when they love you dearly, are not a good source of comfort. I too had the British "stiff upper lip" kind of family. To them it was a failing, just not done, to be mentally ill. My aunt's suicide was a subject of shame and embarrassment to my parents. And when my illness first started to manifest itself, my mother told me "not to be so bloody foolish". So, you don't confide in your parents, and start to feel even more isolated and alone.
Sometimes it helps to just have a really lovely hot bubbley bath,go to bed early with a good book, and try to be forgiving of yourself.
ps re the Celexa - I found if I took it before bed, I could not sleep at all - and of course, that is not a good thing when you are depressed!
If I took it in the morning on an empty stomach, it made me throw up... so after breakfast seems to work.
pps: I think the line describing where I am from needs to be changed!! just too damn depressing!
good luck.

[Lisamarie8]

I've been there, am there and have erected the City limits and been elected mayor, Grand PooBah and General Care Practioner.

I won't go into the whole story, but I've tried EVERY medication out there. Paxil, Wellbutrin, Serzone, Celexa, Prozac...They helped! They made it possoble for me to leave the house (i wouldn't do that for DAYS at a time), for me to get through and entire day without crying hystercly for no reason (a day did NOT pass that this didn't happen). However THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART, IF YOU IGNORE EVERYTHING ELSE READ THIS!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif they didn't make what was making me sad go away. They made it possible for me to be MEDICALLY (yes it IS a medical problem) healthy enough to face my problems head on...with thanks to Lynn the Wonder Shrink /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif .

In the past 2 months, i've left my husband, moved and started a new job. Has it been hard? The hardest thing I've ever done. Have I been Sad? Unbelievably so. I wont go into all of my "issues" but i have a VERY good idea what you're going through. I'm getting better. I'm currently unmedicated and feeling great, so if you ever want to speak to someone who's currently on the lighter end of the long dark tunnel feel free to e-mail me. 8lisamarie@home.com

Tootles,
LisaMarie /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

-- Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

[This message was edited by lisamarie8 on Feb. 25, 2002 at 11:02 PM.]

[shiloh]

WooHoo! Glad to hear you are feeling better! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other - you are making it! I had often wondered what happened to you and hoped to hear from you - I am so happy for you! Please tell us about your trip to the Yorkshire Riding Centre when you come back - I would love to hear about your adventures.

LisaMarie - your signature line is great - it shows that you are feeling better! "Naked people have no influence..." ahahahahahaha - luv it!

x

[ponygrl]

well I wasn't sadalter or anything, but I'm still doing the Celexa thing and it has made definite improvements on my mood in general. Due to an, umm, rocky, we'll call it, relationship with my parents and the general mounds of stress involved with doing college, the horses, and working to pay for them all at once I am seeing a shrink, and really like that.

The only downfall is that the drugs do make me excessively tired. I can sleep a full 8-10 hours at night and have an impressive 3 or 4 hour nap, without it affecting my nighttime sleep. I have trouble staying up for a 16 hour day. Sure there are those "other" /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif side effects, but really, in the grand scheme, thats ok.

I wish the best of luck to anyone else out there getting treatments or looking into it. While drugs aren't always the answer I am currently pre-pharmacy, so feel free to pop them anyway /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif (JUST KIDDING.)

Laura

[armandh]

and back off the lesson presure for a while.

[friends4ever]

i am sorry that you have to deal at all with the issue of depression. i myself have never had to deal with it, but i used to get really sad a lot and feel very lonely. i always thought that i never had any friends and that no one liked me or wanted to be around me because i was so shy. it's hard to deal with that sort of stuff in high school (i'll be a junior this year) but the one thing that got me through was being with my horse. just knowing that he was my friend made me realize that i didn't need anything else to be happy...just him. so i think that as long as you have love and faith in your horse(s), you'll be just fine. and good luck!

[Oppok]

I haven't read all of the posts yet, but this is a subject that hits close to home. When I was 16 (I'm 18 now so it wasn't THAT long ago but feels like it) I suffered from depression. I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't get up in the mornings, I never felt like eating, I didn't find any enjoyment in anything that I normally would have been very passionate about, but I refused to believe that I was having mind problems. After many, many doctor visits and having my blood checked numerous times it was the only path left to follow. I was put on the medications (zoloft etc) and I found they made me worse. Having to take that pill every day made me feel like a failure and I no matter how much I ate with it I always seemed to get heartburn. I too lost interest in riding and felt discouraged. My coach was very understanding and never forced me to ride, instead I just spent lots of time brushing and bonding with my horse. Although at the time it didn't seem like it, I now believe that it was one of the greatest learning experiences of my life and I truely believe it made me a better person. Having that time to just sit back and take a look at everything helped me to understand what I needed to change to make myself happier and a better person. Now I just need to give myself a reality check every once in a while to get my mind out of the gutter and I'm A okay! Just because you have no motivation to ride does not mean that you have lost interest in horses. Maybe time away from the riding part and enjoying just being with your horse will help your soul. It's tough, but you're strong and you will overcome this /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif
I don't know why but eating vegetables helped me a lot... especially broccoli. I don't know why, it just did.

______________________________

[supafly1208]

I have delt with depression my entire life. I had a father who was in and out of my life untill he left it entirly when I was 18. He blamed it on me. Deadbeat dad. My brother was physicaly abusive, and all of the men in my life have only gone out with me for one thing, which i didn't give. Not to mention how poorly i did in school, having no direction in life, and councilors telling me i had no future. I used to have thoughts of suicide, and i would hurt myself. There is much more than that, but I am know 26 and single, lonely, no carrer, and little friends. Since I had to put my horse down last year, and losing two jobs in 6 month, I have become severly depressed. I don't go out anymore, I still go to work, but I only work half days, and I come home and sleep. I have developed an anxiety disorder and a borderline social disorder. My doctor has put me on celexa, and I am also in therapy. I have been on meds now for 4 weeks and they are just kicking in. I find it hard to wake up in the morning, but I am sleeping through the night now. I do have more energy when I get up though. People tell me I am not so quick to anger, and I don't seem to be snapping at people as much. I am going out a bit more with less anxiety. I have lost about 15lb, which is probably part depression and part meds. I know that this is going to be a slow process. But now I can see that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. With meds and talking to a therapist, i hope I can get well. I have been told by my doctor that I will most likely be on meds for the rest of my life. So coming from someone who knows what it is like to be depressed, keep your chin up, and try your best. Good luck to you.

[mizzwade]

wow, and I thought I was the only one out there, so I've just kept quiet about it... Thanks everyone for sharing....

mizzwade

[Casserlily]

I'm sitting here, online in the middle of the night because I cannot sleep, and I think: I wonder if anyone on the COTH board has posted about this?

Of course you have.

With truth, honesty, and a lot of soul bearing. I read all of these, and it helps so much to know that there is a way out, and that you have found it. Now I just have to.

Thank you all for your honesty.

[Portia]

I saw an article yesterday about a new study on the differences in the way mens' and womens' brains work in feeling and processing emotions. It seems women in general really do feel things more strongly than men do, and remember strong emotions and emotional enocounters more clearly than men do.

Relevant to this topic, they are studying whether the differences in how men and women process emotions may explain why women are more prone to depression than are men, since the chemisty of depression can be triggered by dwelling on emotional situations and being slow to process them and let go.

Here's a link to the article:
New Study Says Female Brain is Wired for Emotion (http://www.salon.com/mwt/wire/2002/07/22/female_brain/index.html)

Coming from a family history of depression and myself having been diagnosed with chronic clinical depression 10 years or so ago, all I can say is, thank God I live in the era of medical science that found the chemical source of depression and developed Prozac. I take it every day and it doesn't do a thing for me, except make me feel normal. /infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

"I'm designed for sitting. That's why my butt is covered in soft fur." Dogbert

[armandh]

so for all the bipolarites "this too will pass"

[Colin]

PROZAC is the answer. It's great. No side effects - just makes you feel "normal".

Well...maybe I should be taking more????

[Bumpkin]

I was having such bad anxiety attacks I honestly thought I was having a heart attack.
So turning 50 was not as much fun as I had thought it would be /infopop/emoticons/icon_frown.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_redface.gif

I went to my Dr and he put me on Zoloft, and it started working within hours.
I went through a Cancer scare with my mother, mins after taking the first tablet, emergency surgery on her, several days of her being in a coma....almost losing my little p/t job, my trainer quitting and raising our board and training.
And I did it all with a smile and no tears, (except the first day with my mother at the hospital).

My friends and family are amazed at my ho hum logical behaviour.
I love this stuff.
They should sell it in Tack shops!!! /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Thank you to all of you who after reading your stories gave me the mental push to do something and be happy again /infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif

[TrakHack]

The only side effect I still notice is tremors in my hands. This is only a problem when I spill my martini though! /infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif /infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

The Panchen Lama of DQs! (Second only to Velvet, the undisputed Dalai Lama of DQs.)

[Bumpkin]

And, I have lost 11 pounds so far!!!
Woohoo!!

[Pocket Pony]

Bumpkin!!

What is going on? How is your mother? What happened at your job? Your trainer left?

* I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. *

[Bumpkin]

My wonderful mother who is 82 and has had cancer more than once. Went in with a blocked intestine. They thought cancer, but it turned out to be a twisted intestine. Just like a horse. She was very ill and it was a big surgery. Because of her age the anethesia hit her really hard and she was in a coma for several days. It took a few weeks until she really has come around to beig mentally back to normal. /infopop/emoticons/icon_eek.gif

My job at the same time wanted me to work more hours or loose my job. (so far that is all ok)

My trainer, Farpoint Farm, who I adored, has decided to quit training and spend more time training her family and her own ponies.
She owns the stable and the new house on the property where she lives.
So she raised the board/training fees, and took away the turnout unless you pay extra. Per the new trainers coming in with their own client, Phoenix Farm, and what they charge for board and training I guess.

I am not mad, a bit sad to loose my friends and a trainer that Elliot and I really liked.

Perhaps now a days people just have to imagine that they will change stables every year or two.

So I am saying the Zoloft has made this all so much easier for me to deal with.


/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

[Pocket Pony]

Oh Bumpkin!

I'm glad your mother is recovering - that is the most important thing.

Big bummer about your trainer...especially raising the board! Guess she has to supplement her income somehow since she's not a trainer anymore, eh? Do you like the new trainer? Will you start working with them?

* I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. *