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CatOnLap
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:09 PM
keeping in mind our general audience, please don't mention intimate details.

But how does one deal with friends who are having affairs with married people?

I've had more than a few good friends date married people or date others while married. I don't know what to make of it. I figure if you want to date, get out of your marriage. I don't have any particular love for the married state, but I figure, if your make the vow, honour it or get out before you begin dating. Otherwise you are an adulteress/adulterer. Its not a pejorative, its just a fact.

The reason it bugs me is because these friends want to socialize with me with their paramours, bring them to my house, etc for parties or invite me to come out in a group for dinner or a hike or whatever.

I have a hard time feeling civil to a married woman dating my single guy friend or to the married man my single girl friend is dating. I have a hard time being civil to my married woman friend when I know she is "cheating". But yet they are still my friends. I don't blame my single friends for dating married people so much- I figure the onus is on the married person for putting themselves out there, but it ain't easy. I did talk to my married girlfriend and asked her not to bring her dates to my place because her husband is also my friend.

When I talk to these folks, none of them is "open" about their affairs: this is not a case where the spouse has given them permission to date others or an open marraige. But most of them say they haven't had sex with their spouses for years and they live separate lives in the same house.

What do others think and do in these situations?

Tapperjockey
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:31 PM
I dump my friends that date married people, or whom are married and cheat. I don't like cheaters and don't want to be around them. Plenty of people out there to be friends with that aren't morally bankrupt. And while I appreciate your sentiment on it being on the onus of the married one, I find it equally as reprehensible.

Bogey2
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:41 PM
I am with Tapper, I don't and won't be party to such behaviour.

danceronice
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:42 PM
I dump my friends that date married people, or whom are married and cheat. I don't like cheaters and don't want to be around them. Plenty of people out there to be friends with that aren't morally bankrupt. And while I appreciate your sentiment on it being on the onus of the married one, I find it equally as reprehensible.

Yep. Unless the "single" partner is being deceived and doesn't know the person they're dating is married, they're just as guilty. Wait until the divorce is final or find someplace else to hang out. (Speaking as someone whose friend was the cheated-on spouse.)

Canaqua
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:44 PM
I dump my friends that date married people, or whom are married and cheat. I don't like cheaters and don't want to be around them. Plenty of people out there to be friends with that aren't morally bankrupt. And while I appreciate your sentiment on it being on the onus of the married one, I find it equally as reprehensible.

Same here. It is important to me that I respect my friends and I don't respect people cheating on their spouses or those whose self-esteem is so low that they'll accept a paramour who is married to someone else. I completely agree with OP...if you are unhappy in your marriage, leave BEFORE you even consider getting involved with someone else. It's best done when there is no one even remotely on the horizon, so you know you are leaving for the right reason. Been there and done that. It's not easy and takes some courage to know you'll be alone, but that's the way to do it. I've dumped two female friends who thought I should be hanging out with them and their married boyfriends. No thanks. If they want to do something like that, I do not want to know about it and I most certainly don't want to be involved.

twotrudoc
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:44 PM
I have also dumped cheater friends. I SUCK at keeping my big fat mouth shut when something offends my sensibilities that much.

Last time I dealt with that I lost/dumped the wife, husband and mistress as friends. I only miss the wife. The husband I saw out a while later with yet another female and I loudly said "Ah, out whoring without the usual whore today, are we??"

He hates me. I really don't care.

lilitiger2
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:49 PM
Agree agree agree! I do the same thing! I don't hang out with people who I don't respect and that is behavior I totally don't respect, let alone want to support. Good for you.

On a slightly different note, I was amazed a friend of my husbands wanted him to write some sort of note to the Catholic Church in support of annulment of his marriage, that would be his 22 year marriage which produced 4 kids. My husband didn't do it and I was glad.

sketcher
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:57 PM
It's not always so simple.

My best childhood fried was quite miserable in her marriage and getting ready to divorce but was just stuck in such an energy sucking rut it was awful. Her husband is an alcoholic and was an extremely heavy drinker. She had the whole co-dependence thing going on so even though she was miserable it was very, very tough for her to walk away because she still loved this guy despite the booze.

The whole situation as kind of sickening but a guy she has worked with for 20 years totally took advantage of the situation. He was her exercise buddy but then turned into her "consoler". He would come out with us for a drink and see to it that she got a lot to drink. Enough that he would then offer to give her a ride home, that sort of stuff. Then he told her how beautiful she was and how his life had been on hold waiting for her to be free for 20 years and in her weakened and semi delusional and extremely stressed out state she bought it hook line and sinker.

This may have been a positive thing in one way as it did seem to give her the energy to be serious about proceeding with her divorce and she acknowledged that she was using the impetus from this jerk to motivate her to move on.

It's a whole, long convoluted story. I do not judge her. Her husband got treatment and has been sober for over a year. She tapered off with her friend but they still work together and it is a sticky situation as she is still quite messed up. Apparently when the drinker gets clean the sober one often has more issues.

So, there are often very complex reasons that people cheat. I don't condone it and I did anything to avoid socializing with the jerk who not only took advantage of my bestie but also encouraged her to behave in some dangerous ways(drinking and driving). Ultimately she is 100% responsible for her actions and has to live with herself but I still do not have to like the guy. But my friendship is important enough that I wouldn't have shunned her because of him.

People who are just cheaters in general? I don't currently have friends like that. I have in the past had a female friend with a married boyfriend who sort of became part of her family and group of friends. I figured if this guy could be gone 7 nights per week until 4am and all of his weekends then his wife could not possibly have cared. In fact, the more I got to know him I decided she was probably glad to be rid of him without having to financially disrupt her family and finances after 30 years of marriage.

twotrudoc
Apr. 8, 2012, 08:00 PM
LIFE is convoluted and complicated. That in itself is not an excuse to be a cheater.

I understand you want to stick up for your friend but she is an adult, yes? But she is still your friend and everyone needs a good friend. It sounds like she regrets her horrible behavior.

The decision to cheat is just that, a decision. Some are made during easy times, some during hard times. Those of us that can remain honest and mature during the hard times should be commended.

Southernlawyer
Apr. 8, 2012, 08:04 PM
Well, I would never want to be friends with any of you. You're narrow minded, sanctimonious, judgmental and ultimately boring. I think it's mean that you treat your friends so badly that you impose your own pious little values on them like that. However, for your unfortunate friends the sting of the end of your relationship could but be a pale shadow to the pain of its continuation.

sketcher
Apr. 8, 2012, 08:09 PM
Those of us that can remain honest and mature during the hard times should be commended.

You can't really understand another person's experience until you've walked a mile in their shoes. So until you've done that I don't think you can call someone else's decisions, no matter how seemingly poor at the time from a rational persons point of view, dishonest or immature.

I think there are a lot of lazy and dishonest people who cheat. Probably 99% of cheaters come in this category. Like my other friend with the guy whose wife just did not seem to care. Too lazy to change his life and his wife didn't look to hard at the situation. It seemed to work for them. Whatever.

lilitiger2
Apr. 8, 2012, 08:09 PM
Sketcher, yes, I agree that life is complicated and presents us with situations for which we are unprepared, and most of us do the best we can as we trudge our path to happy destiny. But, as trudoc said, its a choice. Lots of people have been in lousy relationships, marriages, etc and have NOT made that decision. they get themselves OUT before starting something new. I am not suggesting that I would run my friends over with a bus, but I also don't have to support behavior/values with which I am uncomfortable.

sketcher
Apr. 8, 2012, 08:12 PM
but I also don't have to support behavior/values with which I am uncomfortable.

I never said I supported it. I told her I didn't really want him around. I told her not to use me as an alibi. I told her I thought she was making a big mistake. But she is my best friend and I love her. So, yes, I will always support her even through stupidness. Just like she would do for me.

Tapperjockey
Apr. 8, 2012, 08:18 PM
Well, I would never want to be friends with any of you. You're narrow minded, sanctimonious, judgmental and ultimately boring. I think it's mean that you treat your friends so badly that you impose your own pious little values on them like that. However, for your unfortunate friends the sting of the end of your relationship could but be a pale shadow to the pain of its continuation.

It's narrow minded to expect my friends to not honor the vows they made, and to not deal with people who would not honor that? I like respecting my friends. I am not friends with people I don't respect. That includes people who cheat others (in marriage as well as in other aspects), liars, and abusers.

sketcher
Apr. 8, 2012, 08:20 PM
Well, I would never want to be friends with any of you. You're narrow minded, sanctimonious, judgmental and ultimately boring. I think it's mean that you treat your friends so badly that you impose your own pious little values on them like that. However, for your unfortunate friends the sting of the end of your relationship could but be a pale shadow to the pain of its continuation.

Thank you.

lilitiger2
Apr. 8, 2012, 08:20 PM
It sounds like she was in a bad spot and was lucky to have a friend like you. The individuals from my experience entered in to affairs with very little regard for the partners (and were together in one case while the wife of one was delivering!). And for me, just no. Another was very sad and ANGRY at the wife (!!!) for not "supporting" her husband in this...?? I guess I don't know examples where it all worked out well and all parties were happy. If I did, or if I knew couples where all parties knew and were agreeable, I gues I'd feel differently. But in my experience, someone is getting betrayed and its a trainwreck. And even for couples that opt to stay together, recovery is a formidable task.

twotrudoc
Apr. 8, 2012, 08:26 PM
Sketcher, I have had the opportunity to be in your friends shoes. I just did not take that particular opportunity, KWIM ;)

A few things though, southernlawyer (are you a divorce lawyer??? LOL!!), a friend who makes one mistake, regrets it and moves on, that is different. The particular gal I am no longer friends with slept with about 5 of my friends husbands and also pretty much anything that looked at her. The garbage man for the place we used to work at had to call the owner and ask him to ask her to stop following him around (because the idiot had, of course, ho'd around and now was afraid his wifey would find out!!) for petes sake.

Everything in perspective.

danceronice
Apr. 8, 2012, 08:26 PM
Well, I would never want to be friends with any of you. You're narrow minded, sanctimonious, judgmental and ultimately boring. I think it's mean that you treat your friends so badly that you impose your own pious little values on them like that. However, for your unfortunate friends the sting of the end of your relationship could but be a pale shadow to the pain of its continuation.

Sorry, I don't condone lying, cheating, stealing, and deliberately inflicting pain on others. I hope you get to experience what my friend did when she found out how seriously her now-ex-husband was taking the marriage vows (ie ignoring them completely.) People who engage in that sort of behavior don't deserve support and friendship until they atone and make amends, if it's even possible.

CatOnLap
Apr. 8, 2012, 09:09 PM
I like those who say you have to walk a mile in those shoes and that life is complicated.
In all cases, I knew these friends before they were involved in affairs or with married people and they were all good friends. People I otherwise trust and have enjoyed and have treated me well. And they are " in love" well, I would call it lust, but perhaps it is a kind of love when they are dating the married people who act as if they are single. And I've heard the stories of the married paramours- marriages where things are not happy, but there are kids to parent or financial reasons, or even one where the kids are grown, but they stay together to enjoy the family social circle and grandkids and even are active in achristian church, but they both have lust affairs. Its a weird world. It makes my stomach churn a bit for those folks, but yet I still love my friends and hate to lose them over a simple judgement on a complicated situation.

Because I would not act as an alibi for my married girlfriend, I lost her and her husband as friends. They ultimately made up with each other but are not friends with me.

The others, I am not sure what to do. I think Southernlawyer was brave to speak up but their statement is pretty judgmental on the rest of you, so its kind of the pot calling the kettle black.

For now I continue to socialize with my friends, but it is less and less frequent as they become more involved with their married paramours and I don't join them for that, so I guess these friendships will just naturally fade away.

And I know the other side of it. My husband had affairs and left me after 11 years. I did notknow about the affairs until after our marriage ended. But many of our mutual friends knew and allowed the woman and my husband to attend their houses for poker nights, dinners, etc, while I was away or at work. It hurt a lot when I found out, but after a while, I was glad he had the guts to eventually leave, even if he didn't have the guts to tell me why until much later. I am no longer friends with any of the folks who condoned the behavior, but that is more their embarassment and choice than mine.

clanter
Apr. 8, 2012, 09:13 PM
Well, I would never want to be friends with any of you. You're narrow minded, sanctimonious, judgmental and ultimately boring. I think it's mean that you treat your friends so badly that you impose your own pious little values on them like that. However, for your unfortunate friends the sting of the end of your relationship could but be a pale shadow to the pain of its continuation.

boring... humm never thought of myself that way

TheHorseProblem
Apr. 8, 2012, 09:18 PM
Why not just MYOB, CatOnLap? I know that would be really difficult for you, but try testing yourself just this once.

Tapperjockey
Apr. 8, 2012, 09:18 PM
I like those who say you have to walk a mile in those shoes and that life is complicated.
In all cases, I knew these friends before they were involved in affairs or with married people and they were all good friends. People I otherwise trust and have enjoyed and have treated me well. And they are " in love" well, I would call it lust, but perhaps it is a kind of love when they are dating the married people who act as if they are single. And I've heard the stories of the married paramours- marriages where things are not happy, but there are kids to parent or financial reasons, or even one where the kids are grown, but they stay together to enjoy the family social circle and grandkids and even are active in achristian church, but they both have lust affairs. Its a weird world. It makes my stomach churn a bit for those folks, but yet I still love my friends and hate to lose them over a simple judgement on a complicated situation.

Because I would not act as an alibi for my married girlfriend, I lost her and her husband as friends. They ultimately made up with each other but are not friends with me.

The others, I am not sure what to do. I think Southernlawyer was brave to speak up but their statement is pretty judgmental on the rest of you, so its kind of the pot calling the kettle black.

For now I continue to socialize with my friends, but it is less and less frequent as they become more involved with their married paramours and I don't join them for that, so I guess these friendships will just naturally fade away.

And I know the other side of it. My husband had affairs and left me after 11 years. I did notknow about the affairs until after our marriage ended. But many of our mutual friends knew and allowed the woman and my husband to attend their houses for poker nights, dinners, etc, while I was away or at work. It hurt a lot when I found out, but after a while, I was glad he had the guts to eventually leave, even if he didn't have the guts to tell me why until much later. I am no longer friends with any of the folks who condoned the behavior, but that is more their embarassment and choice than mine.

I couldn't do it. I would never be able to not tell someone if their spouse is cheating on them. My friends all know my views on this. If they ever cheated, and told me, or I found out.. by the time they got home, there spouse would know it. If they have an open relationship (which I do have friends that do have this), then their spouse will be fine with that I imagine. If not.. they now know.

CatOnLap
Apr. 8, 2012, 10:18 PM
Why not just MYOB, CatOnLap? I know that would be really difficult for you, but try testing yourself just this once.

OTOH, I know it is difficult for you to not get in digs at several of us on this board when you can.

And it becomes my business when friends use me as their alibi, or when they want to bring their paramours to my house. I thought I had explained that but perhaps you didn't understand.

The horse is almost never the problem.

Your serve, THP.

Fred
Apr. 8, 2012, 10:20 PM
However, for your unfortunate friends the sting of the end of your relationship could but be a pale shadow to the pain of its continuation.

Good enough to be a line from The Princess Bride.


carry on.....

Cielo Azure
Apr. 8, 2012, 10:24 PM
I dump my friends that date married people, or whom are married and cheat. I don't like cheaters and don't want to be around them. Plenty of people out there to be friends with that aren't morally bankrupt. And while I appreciate your sentiment on it being on the onus of the married one, I find it equally as reprehensible.

Yep!!!!

Griffyn
Apr. 9, 2012, 04:54 AM
I have been in an affair with a cheater. I dont think my otherwise single status exempted me from the moral chasm I apparently dropped into. I knew the other parties spouse and kids as well. Eventually I got wise and got out. Paying the price in heartbreak and misery. My friends thought I was a moron, but thankfully were there for me when I "came to". I wouldnt do it again, not to myself, for one. The healing process was tortuous. As repulsive as you find your friend's actions, they may yet realize what they are doing to themselves and others. I would just let them know where you stand COL and dont be a party to a "crime". Without the support of my true friends I dont know that I would have had the strength at the time, to make the abrupt departure required. I dont even recognize myself as I look back, but my friends (who never condoned my actions) made it possible to regain solid footing. Dont lie or cover, but dont necessarily abandon them, unless they begin to treat you as terribly as they are treating themselves!

spotted draft x filly
Apr. 9, 2012, 07:24 AM
I'm going through this now with my husband. Now he's living with his girlfriend and we haven't started the process or even agreed to divorce. He said he wanted to try it out to see if it would work. He's helping her financially but left me with nothing but $1500 in debts that needed to be paid within a week. So I shut off his phone, i'm selling the rings today, and my neighbor gave me the name of a very good divorce attorney.

SaturdayNightLive
Apr. 9, 2012, 07:47 AM
Well, I would never want to be friends with any of you. You're narrow minded, sanctimonious, judgmental and ultimately boring.

:lol::lol::lol: No, really. I wouldn't want to be friends with you, either.

I'm with whomever it was that said they won't spend time with the morally bankrupt. I find people who cheat (or who help others cheat) completely abhorrent.

My SO works with a man who cheated on his then pregnant wife with a coworker. He was out with her when his wife was giving birth to their child. Then the girlfriend got pregnant.

Classy with a capital K.

dressagetraks
Apr. 9, 2012, 07:54 AM
I would not socialize with friends and their married affairs, and I would tell them that is why I refused. I would never be an alibi. I will not condone disrespect of marriage, either by those in it who took the vows or by those outside who pursue those whom they know are married.

Have known far too many cheaters. Have also known bad marriages who had the opportunity and refused; it isn't inevitable. Divorce is tough, but to me, cheating is far, far worse. If your marriage is unhappy, exit before pursuing others.

Soft exchange I overheard (unintentionally) at a gathering between Mom and somebody else.

Aspiring Affair: Moral considerations aside, what's wrong with it?

Mom: Moral considerations aside??? You CAN'T just toss moral considerations aside when you like. Moral considerations are EXACTLY what is wrong with it. (Mom walks away)

Go, Mom! I realize not everybody agrees, but I do, and I will not support in their cheating other people who do not.

Best of luck, spotted draft x filly.

solara
Apr. 9, 2012, 08:20 AM
Just . . . no. I would not remain friends with cheaters, but I'd probably confront them first, because there can be some horrible mix-ups (a friend's father thought a friend and I were cheating on our respective so's with each other . . . but he asked his son and got a "WTF DAD? NONONONONO!" response, and a :lol: from everyone else who heard).

And, for anyone staying in a loveless marriage "for the kids" or with a friend doing so? I was the child of a loveless marriage. My parents only divorced when they realized that I thought their relationship was *normal* and *loving* because they presented it like that publicly. They realized it would probably be the kind of relationship I sought out, instead of a healthy, love-filled relationship with someone who genuinely loved and respected me. Telling yourself, or letting anyone else tell you, that "I'm staying for the children!" is just cruel. Those children see you as their guide to how to live, no matter how messed up you are, and will repeat your mistakes as adults if they're allowed to. I'd probably be with someone who hit me, called me ugly, and cheated on me, if my parents hadn't gotten divorced when they did, because that was exactly how my dad treated my mom. But my parents decided they loved me enough to divorce, and EVERYONE was/still is way happier than when they were married.

Just my $.02

petesperson
Apr. 9, 2012, 08:29 AM
Hate the sin, love the sinner (unless the sinner is a sociopath).

carolprudm
Apr. 9, 2012, 08:39 AM
Sorry, I don't condone lying, cheating, stealing, and deliberately inflicting pain on others. I hope you get to experience what my friend did when she found out how seriously her now-ex-husband was taking the marriage vows (ie ignoring them completely.) People who engage in that sort of behavior don't deserve support and friendship until they atone and make amends, if it's even possible.

This.
I know someone who was sleeping with a married coworker while his wife thought they were friends. Cheating H (CH) even fathered a child with his then wife.

I always thought "With friends like that who needs enemies"

alterhorse
Apr. 9, 2012, 08:53 AM
My friends are all people of good character so if one were to disclose to me that they were having an extramarital affair, I'd talk with them about it in an effort to see if I could be supportive for them, so they might have someone to express the feelings that they must be having that led them into the situation.

LexInVA
Apr. 9, 2012, 09:05 AM
Well, I would never want to be friends with any of you. You're narrow minded, sanctimonious, judgmental and ultimately boring. I think it's mean that you treat your friends so badly that you impose your own pious little values on them like that. However, for your unfortunate friends the sting of the end of your relationship could but be a pale shadow to the pain of its continuation.

If they are willing to lie, cheat, and probably even carry out some theft in some form or another against someone they love, what do you think they are capable of doing against someone they like? I've seen quite a few cheaters do things that get them years in prison simply because they felt it was what was needed to continue their machinations to their satisfaction. If someone you supposedly "love" can't trust you, then it's probably safe to say that nobody can trust you.

alterhorse
Apr. 9, 2012, 09:29 AM
If someone you supposedly "love" can't trust you, then it's probably safe to say that nobody can trust you.

It's also probable that there're having difficulty trusting themselves.

Which in an individual with the capacity for healthy introspection, usually signals the existence of some sort of emotional crises at the root of it all.

But then there also exists those without the capacity for healthy introspection, and associations with such people are typically self serving to the detriment of the more introspective individual.

west5
Apr. 9, 2012, 09:35 AM
If someone you supposedly "love" can't trust you, then it's probably safe to say that nobody can trust you.

I respectfully disagree.
I had a very good long term friend who cheated on her husband. She was completely honest with me about it from the start, depressed and a total emotional wreck.
I did not "cover" for her. I also did not shun her.
She ended it, told her husband and tried to discover if they could work out the issues in their marriage.

sometimes decent people do bad things --

If you can't be party to it, I think this is a good way to handle the situation:
One of her friends chose to not speak to her during this time. Her friend sat her down and said I don't condone what you are doing and so I cant be party to it, or support you in any way. When it stops lets talk. My friend called her after it had ended. They are now still friends.

Chester's Mom
Apr. 9, 2012, 09:59 AM
I dump my friends that date married people, or whom are married and cheat. I don't like cheaters and don't want to be around them. Plenty of people out there to be friends with that aren't morally bankrupt. And while I appreciate your sentiment on it being on the onus of the married one, I find it equally as reprehensible.

^^

If you don't have the same base core values (cheating is a form of lying) then I have to assume you also are not honest with ME. Therefore you move to acquaintance category...

AND I do not want to hear about your "dates".

CVPeg
Apr. 9, 2012, 10:00 AM
I lost a very close friend who did this, and miss her to this day. She was a talented artist whose CW Anderson type portrait of my old show horse still hangs in my den. But I was used as an excuse including dragging the boyfriend to a party in my home - and even if her husband was abusing her (her justification), rather than move out, she carried on blatantly with a more openly abusive co-worker. I frankly don't know how to handle constant lies. Just not in my nature, and we couldn't remain friends.

It's not a religious, or sanctimonious, or socially unacceptable thing. Cheating hurts. Period.

I've been at the end of it with a cold fish, pocket protector wearing ex-spouse - our son suffering the worst as a result. It affects so many more people than those who characterize themselves as sophisticated, or have other justification to do it. I've been no victim - moved on just fine. But the backlash is often not even seen by those so self-involved (who then themselves often cry "victim" during the divorce).

If one is too selfish to see what it does to others, then don't knock on my door.

Chester's Mom
Apr. 9, 2012, 10:18 AM
Sorry SouthernLawyer, my friends know & agree and would do the same for/to me.

I kicked my BROTHER to the curb for cheating, and his wife was a drug addict who also cheated on HIM. Sorry, 20 years of staying with her, can't use history as a reason to cheat NOW. Leave her, then do as you wish. His excuse? He didn't want to be alone so had to be sure the new relationship would work out before he cut loose the old one.

Amazingly his son turned out the exact same. Left wife and year old baby to move in with his girlfriend, then tried to keep the wife waiting for him..... hmmm guess who was FURIOUS? His dad. Where do you think he learned it dude?

I would be there for ANY person who came to me for help after realizing they were doing wrong and wanted to change. I will not condone, even implicitly, your cheating.

Half the reason these folks cheat IMHO is that people accept it. What if we all expected our circle of friends & relatives to behave morally? And called them out on it when they didn't? I don't mean public shaming but I do mean informing them of its unacceptableness (I just made that up I think) and not allowing them to practice it in our homes?

jumpingmaya
Apr. 9, 2012, 10:41 AM
I've got standards... and don't associate with people that don't share them.

That goes with people that use drugs as well... It's your life, you do what you want with it. Not trying to change you, what you do or anything else... but if I don't agree with it- nowhere does it say I HAVE to be friends with anyone...

Keep your standards up... and communicate. I've had friends that I just straight up did not agree with what they were doing... voiced it... some changed, some kept on doing their thing...

We're all entitled to our morals/values/standards... that simple!!!

nhwr
Apr. 9, 2012, 11:23 AM
See the thing about a situation like sketcher's friend is she is trading one bad situation for another. Being married to an alcoholic loser and being depressed about it would suck the energy out of a lot of people. But she needs to think about how she got there. The solution looks like getting help so she moves away from that kind of choice. Instead she chose use another compromised situation that was obviously going to be problematic. As somebody's friend, I'd have a hard time supporting a choice like that.

In general, when I have had friends that cheat, our relationship just kind of falls apart. When my friend is the one who is married, I have a hard time separating their behavior from their impact on their spouse, family and the rest of their lives. I won't lie for them and I won't be around their "paramour". I have had friends who get mad at me for that. But it is their thing and I do everything to avoid getting drawn into it. I have learned things just kind of fall apart then. And it makes me sad to see friends chose an obviously dead end situation over our relationship. But ultimately it is their choice. It is hard to look at a friendship the same way after that kind of revelation.

halo
Apr. 9, 2012, 11:25 AM
Well, I would never want to be friends with any of you. You're narrow minded, sanctimonious, judgmental and ultimately boring. I think it's mean that you treat your friends so badly that you impose your own pious little values on them like that. However, for your unfortunate friends the sting of the end of your relationship could but be a pale shadow to the pain of its continuation.

"your own pious little values"??

No one is imposing any values that the cheaters didnt sign up for. If you get married, you dont cheat. Thats what you sign up for. So if you want to cheat, fine, but its not others imposing values. Its you lying and cheating on the values that you promised your partner.

CatOnLap
Apr. 9, 2012, 11:36 AM
it is interesting statistic though that something like a third to half of all married couples cheat at some point. So if everyone was as black and white thinkers as some here, there'd be an awful lot of friendless people around.

Treading the middle ground here I think. Avoiding the affairs and staying friends until things change one way or another.

Thanks to everyone, its been most helpful.

EqTrainer
Apr. 9, 2012, 11:38 AM
My friends are all people of good character so if one were to disclose to me that they were having an extramarital affair, I'd talk with them about it in an effort to see if I could be supportive for them, so they might have someone to express the feelings that they must be having that led them into the situation.

This. I am loyal to a fault. If I love you, I love you and that is it. I am going to help you, not shun you. There will be boundaries and rules so that I am protected but no, I would not dump someone over an affair on principal.

I am the kind of friend who someone would call to help them dispose of the body ;)

Timex
Apr. 9, 2012, 11:57 AM
While I don't condone cheating, I've got to say, it's sure nice to see how bloody perfect some of you are. You must never have done a thing that anyone else could find fault in. Bully for you. Me, I try to be as good a friend as possible, so when my friends are having issues (of any sort, and whether I agree with their behavior or not) they feel comfortable coming to me to talk things out. Not condemning them out of hand, just because you *think* you know what is going on.

Neigh-Neigh
Apr. 9, 2012, 12:03 PM
I dump my friends that date married people, or whom are married and cheat. I don't like cheaters and don't want to be around them. Plenty of people out there to be friends with that aren't morally bankrupt..

I second this. Just dumped a dumb friend who cheats on her bf.

Neigh-Neigh
Apr. 9, 2012, 12:05 PM
While I don't condone cheating, I've got to say, it's sure nice to see how bloody perfect some of you are. You must never have done a thing that anyone else could find fault in. Bully for you. Me, I try to be as good a friend as possible, so when my friends are having issues (of any sort, and whether I agree with their behavior or not) they feel comfortable coming to me to talk things out. Not condemning them out of hand, just because you *think* you know what is going on.

Timex, you have to understand, this is 2012, not 1930. This is about more than just morals. You can drag DISEASES back to your unsuspecting partner, by cheating. Sorry, but that dog won't hunt. Cheating is waaaay worse now, than it was 50 yrs ago. It's gone beyond morals, and into heath risks. FTR, a friend of mine cheated on his wife and got a VD.

magnolia73
Apr. 9, 2012, 12:08 PM
It seems like one thing to sneak around and have affairs. But it seems like something else to have an affair with someone and be public to the point of being social. I've actually never seen that happen.

A friend of mine has a neighbor whose husband continually cheats- and there is no socializing with his ladies.... he doesn't bring them to n'hood events. That just seems ballsy. If I was so unhappy with my SO that I needed to find a new man to take to parties at my friends houses, I'd just leave him. I certainly would not expect my friends not to mention to my SO that I brought some random guy to their house...

jetsmom
Apr. 9, 2012, 12:11 PM
Considering that cheating can be a symptom of a problem in a marriage (excluding serial cheaters/players), and that often, once found out, the spouses get counselling and can work on their issues, and end up in a strong marriage, dumping a friend who cheats, may not be as black and white as you'd think.

I'm all for not allowing yourself to be an alibi, or even associating with the cheater/paramour, but completely breaking off the friendship is probably more of an individual type situation to me. If they are randomly having multiple affairs, then I probably wouldn't like them enough to be friends with them. If they ended up in an affair after an otherwise monogamous life, I'd let them know I don't approve of it, don't want to be around them as a couple, and will not lie for them if I am ever asked by the spouse about it. But beyond that, it's not really any of my business.

Neigh-Neigh
Apr. 9, 2012, 12:16 PM
Sorry SouthernLawyer, my friends know & agree and would do the same for/to me.

I kicked my BROTHER to the curb for cheating, and his wife was a drug addict who also cheated on HIM. Sorry, 20 years of staying with her, can't use history as a reason to cheat NOW. Leave her, then do as you wish. His excuse? He didn't want to be alone so had to be sure the new relationship would work out before he cut loose the old one.


Ahhhhh...the good ol' "Monkey Bar" relationship type. Can't let go of one person, until they'll grabbed onto another. AKA: Cheating. Lol. Paaaaathetic. Mostly I've met women like that...never a guy. Good on you for taking a stand!

BabyGreen
Apr. 9, 2012, 12:22 PM
Back in my "dating" years (a long, long time ago, children), I had affairs with married men. These were men who had no intention of leaving their marriages, and were, in general, happy. I had no desire to get married or pair up--and married men aren't normally going to stalk you or whine about moving in. They go home when you're done. They don't want to know where you are every minute. Less likely to have STD. Not a bad deal. And, since I wasn't the married one, it wasn't me that was cheating.

As for friends, I would say this: if I'm friends with both husband and wife and found out one was cheating, I'd probably limit contact with the cheating one. If I knew only one party as a "friend", I would still be friends with them, but stay way out of the drama. No alibi-giving, no being a "beard", no letting them use my house for trysts. And definitly, no "telling".

Remember, the cheated-on one could knock on your door one day with a shotgun.

Neigh-Neigh
Apr. 9, 2012, 12:37 PM
[QUOTE=magnolia73;6245434]It seems like one thing to sneak around and have affairs. But it seems like something else to have an affair with someone and be public to the point of being social. I've actually never seen that happen.
[QUOTE]

The friend I dumped, did. She brings her flings into work (we both work in a popular restaurant.) Talk about awkward for everyone else who works there. :eek:

Beam Me Up
Apr. 9, 2012, 12:41 PM
Everyone is free to decide what to dump their friends for. There are many moral tests in the world, fidelity is just one. Someone else mentioned drugs, I'm sure others use religion, drinking, etc.

Personally I wouldn't necessarily dump a friend for not sharing all my beliefs/choices. I do think life is very complicated, and the older I've gotten the more strange and complicated relationships I've witnessed.

BUT, whether or not you dump your friend, you are absolutely entitled not to be dragged into situations that make you uncomfortable. If you don't want to see the boyfriend, don't. If you don't want to talk about him, don't. If you want to end the friendship, that's your choice too.

CatOnLap
Apr. 9, 2012, 12:43 PM
...dumping a friend who cheats, may not be as black and white as you'd think.

I'm all for not allowing yourself to be an alibi, or even associating with the cheater/paramour, but completely breaking off the friendship is probably more of an individual type situation to me.... If they ended up in an affair after an otherwise monogamous life, I'd let them know I don't approve of it, don't want to be around them as a couple, and will not lie for them if I am ever asked by the spouse about it. But beyond that, it's not really any of my business.

I am thinking like this. :yes:

fordtraktor
Apr. 9, 2012, 01:09 PM
Where do all of you find all these perfect friends?

I'm too old to start interfering in the lives of others. Things change, people change and I have enough to do minding my own business. I try to be supportive without being enabling and leave it at that.

I will say one of my biggest regrets is that when I was a teen, a friend got pregnant, I did not approve of her action or the guy and I was not supportive when I am sure she needed it. That is my all-time suckiest friend moment and I have regretted it ever since. She did not hold it against me and was, by far, the bigger person. Never again am I going to let sanctimony interfere with a good friendship.

Beam Me Up
Apr. 9, 2012, 01:11 PM
Where do all of you find all these perfect friends?

I'm too old to start interfering in the lives of others. Things change, people change and I have enough to do minding my own business. I try to be supportive without being enabling and leave it at that.

I will say one of my biggest regrets is that when I was a teen, a friend got pregnant, I did not approve of her action or the guy and I was not supportive when I am sure she needed it. That is my all-time suckiest friend moment and I have regretted it ever since. She did not hold it against me and was, by far, the bigger person. Never again am I going to let sanctimony interfere with a good friendship.

Great post!

rustbreeches
Apr. 9, 2012, 01:22 PM
I guess we all have different interpretations of what 'friend' means. I have many people that I am friendly with, or I associate with, but my friends? They are a much smaller number. These are the people I would help cover up a murder for. These are the people I support 100%, no questions asked, because I have known them for years and they have always been there for me. If I needed to dump someone as a friend because I don't approve of something they are doing, they probably don't need me for a friend either.

There is an old quote that has stuck with me for years, it was written in the 1800s. "Be friendly with many, be intimate with a few (non-sexual, means like BFF) and speak ill of none."

That being said, when a friend cheats, I don't care, but when they ask you, or cause you to be in a position to have to lie, or lie by omission, then they aren't being a great friend either.

carolprudm
Apr. 9, 2012, 01:27 PM
While I don't condone cheating, I've got to say, it's sure nice to see how bloody perfect some of you are. You must never have done a thing that anyone else could find fault in. Bully for you. Me, I try to be as good a friend as possible, so when my friends are having issues (of any sort, and whether I agree with their behavior or not) they feel comfortable coming to me to talk things out. Not condemning them out of hand, just because you *think* you know what is going on.

FWIW, I saw how my former friend treated a woman who thought she was her friend. I found out that my former friend was very deceitful and deceptive. There were times when I unwittingly provided cover for her and her friend's husband. Sorry, that's not the kind of friend I want

spotted draft x filly
Apr. 9, 2012, 06:39 PM
My husband's friends and family want nothing to do with him not so much because he cheated but the way he handled the whole situation including hurting my kids. I'm glad people told me more then I knew about him. It does make thinhs easier in the end knowing that he's not who I thought he was. His friends and family are sticking by me for emotional support. Which is a blessing since now I have the sheriff involved because his girlfriend is harrassing me and threatening to kick my ass.

jetsmom
Apr. 9, 2012, 06:43 PM
I am the kind of friend who someone would call to help them dispose of the body ;)

Me too, but then I'd be talking them into turning themselves into the cops, or calling them myself...No way am I burying a body!

BuddyRoo
Apr. 9, 2012, 06:52 PM
Life is complicated.

I technically was in a cheating relationship. THough the man I was dating had a wife who had left him and was in another state with another man at the time we started our "affair".

Of course, it was all on ME. I was the tramp and all. BUt really? She left. She left to another state with another man. I didn't feel so badly for a bit.

But there's not a lot of comfort in a half relationship.

So I left it.

And when I Finally got happy, he left his wife (who had come back, no money in cheap dudes from Mexico) and begged me to end my engagement.

Moved out even.

Too late.

Cheating hurts EVERYONE.

Don't do it.

dalpal
Apr. 9, 2012, 07:30 PM
Here's a tale I'll share from my late 20s (I'm 41 now)

Met this girl when we were teaching out of the Same Private Music Lesson Academy. She was engaged and living with a very nice guy. She was looking for a public school job, which I helped her (since I was already in the system) get.

About six months into the teaching gig...she's calling me and telling me all about her secret escapades with the science teacher...we're talking under the desk in her office right after school.

She goes ahead and marries nice guy...but wait...they get married on Halloween and have a masquerade wedding. They dress as Scarlett OHara and Rhett Butler...Santa Claus married them. She can't understand why I refuse to go this "wedding". I guess if you have a masquerade wedding, it's pretty much doomed from the start.

She continues the affair with the Science Teacher....that eventually ends..

Oh but wait, next she starts having an affair with a married vocal teacher at the private music academy....they have wild parties after hours in the music building, spilling beer, etc...basically causing all of us to lose our privileges to use the building after hours. Oh but wait..this time she ends up with an STD. She blames the lover, the lover blames her. Basically because she has to..she comes clean with the husband. Keep in mind, husband has just been laid off on top of all of this....He still loves her, wants to go to therapy. They work things out.

She doesn't get tenure because she's a pretty lousey teacher at her public school job. Oh but wait, she manages to get another job at a different Middle School. Within 6 months, she's having an affair with yet, another school employee. This time husband says...enough.

She ends up marrying the new affair guy...only to stay married about a year and then gets divorced....

And now she's on husband number 3.

Needless to say...I think she's disgusting and will have nothing to do with her.

Canaqua
Apr. 9, 2012, 07:33 PM
It seems like one thing to sneak around and have affairs. But it seems like something else to have an affair with someone and be public to the point of being social. I've actually never seen that happen.


I have and those are the friends I "lose". I really do not care what people do in their personal lives, but their personal lives are just that, personal. To me, a friend telling me about her affair and trying to bring the other person around and socialize as if it were a normal dating relationship violates my boundaries...and I'm ALL about those. If I somehow found out a friend was cheating on her partner/seeing someone married, I wouldn't necessarily care...but if they want to shove it in my face and expect me to participate in the relationship, no thanks...that's disrespecting ME as well as everyone else involved.

The discrete kind of affair did happen recently...a friend at work has been seeing a guy engaged to someone else. She didn't tell me, even though we spend a lot of time together, I heard it from one of HIS friends. She kept it to herself, the way it should be...so I said nothing to her about it and don't particularly care. None of my business, but I'd have been pissed if she'd tried to make it my business...don't suck me into your drama, please!

naters
Apr. 9, 2012, 07:59 PM
If someone cannot respect their spouse and not lie (cheat) to them, then how am I to expect they won't lie to me?

People have the right to do whatever they want, but as a person, I also have the right to choose who and what I want to surround myself with.

Southernlawyer
Apr. 9, 2012, 10:03 PM
Honestly I couldn't care less what other people, including my friends, do or don't do in their bedrooms, unless, of course, it is my bedroom or with me. :cool: Just because someone has an affair does not mean they are generally dishonest. Most people, including the self righteous, lie on occasion. FWIW here is my opinion:

1. Don't expect understanding or tolerance from others if you can't extend it.

2. Minding other people's business is exhausting, unless you have no business of your own to mind.

3. Feeling superior at other's expense probably means you have low self esteem.

4. Be assertive. Set boundaries. If something makes you uncomfortable, just say it does. If you don't want to talk about something or be in a situation, just say no. People, including your friends, should respect your feelings, even if they disagree.

5. If someone is flaming out - victim of domestic violence, drugs, suicidal depression, etc- then you will try to understand the issue and intervene to help the person, if you are their true friend. Otherwise, understand that people have the right to live their own lives. You do and they do. You may not agree, but diversity makes life interesting.

6. You are boring, if you wall yourself in a compound of your own circumscribed values and beliefs. People who have a wide range of intetests, friends, ideas and experiences are interesting. People who live in cloisters are interesting only to the guy in the cell next to them.

Kryswyn
Apr. 9, 2012, 10:08 PM
There are different types of affairs, and there are different types of cheaters. Serial cheaters like a couple of the women cited deserve all the contempt of the posters on the first page. I could see cutting them off. Ditto men who are chronic skirt chasers for whom the hunt and excitement mean everything.

Then there are people who are in the wrong marriage for a variety of reasons and stay in them for an even wider variety of reasons. Posters who blithely say get a divorce before stepping out aren't being realistic, or possibly don't know men as well as you think. It's a rare man who will leave a nest before he has another nest to move into. Women who kick husbands out upon finding out their husbands are cheating are smart to do so as finding an apartment, learning to shop and do laundry has brought more men back to the marriage bed than couples counseling ever will (though counseling is a good thing).

People who say once a cheater always a cheater are correct only SOME of the time. It really truly depends on why they cheat. If they are skirt chasers, or the female counterpart, yes they probably will. But if the person is unhappy or sexually mismatched, and they are searching for love and have found it with their next partner, then they won't cheat.

I had an affair with a married man when I was younger. When I realized I deserved more than he could give, I ended it. 25 years later he found me. He'd never forgotten me and his marriage (sexless when we were together) had only gotten longer (and worse). He had reached a point where he had begun asking "is this all there is?" and wanted more for whatever time he had left (he was 63). We were just 7 months into an emotional affair (separated by 300 miles) when he decided to end his 40 year marriage and moved out. I moved up to be with him and we've been together ever since. Will he cheat on me? Not in a million years. Because cheating on his wife caused HIM pain and guilt. Did our 2d affair (she never knew about the first until he told her he wanted a divorce) cause his ex wife pain? Of course, but ladies, if you have sex with your husband less than once a year for 15 years, you might want to consider there are consequences for that.

I was dropped by a long time friend because she disagreed with my decision to have this 2d affair (which will end in our marriage). I was sorry to lose her, but I could understand. Her husband had cheated on her and left her for another woman (whom he married and had the children my friend could not provide). She is still bitter and angry and has not moved on. My longest friend has been nothing short of wonderful. Her husband cheated on her with her best friend whom HE married. But after 15 years of marriage to this man, after just 2 years alone, she married her soulmate, who has given her the moon. My family sees the way my fiance' treats me and has had no problem welcoming him into our family. We all wish the circumstances had been different. He wishes he'd had the guts to leave his marriage during our 1st affair so we could've spend many more years together. I know I wouldn't have been the wife he needed back then, but I so wish we could have 40 years together, but it makes me value each minute we have together more.

So love is complicated and judge not lest ye be judged. If your self-righteous beliefs cause you to lose a friend here and there, well, don't be surprised if someday someone judges you (and that IS what you're doing) and finds you lacking.

fargaloo
Apr. 9, 2012, 10:28 PM
I have to agree with the "love the sinner, hate the sin" folks. My best friend had an affair a number of years ago. I had no problem telling her that I hated what she was doing, that I thought it was a mistake, it would end up badly for all concerned, but I couldn't imagine kicking her to the curb. How does that expression go -- "when people deserve our love the least is when they need it the most"? I had boundaries regarding MY actions -- I wouldn't lie for her or cover up for her; I didn't want to meet her "friend" or socialize with them as a "couple", and she accepted that. Her marriage ended, as did her relationship with the other guy, but we are still friends 20 years later.

nhwr
Apr. 9, 2012, 10:45 PM
When push comes to shove, some people will feel their cheating is justified and some won't. That is the truth.

Regarding friendship;
Don't expect honesty and respect if you can't extend it to everyone else.

Don't tell me your business if you don't want me to form an opinion about it because I am thinking all the time.

Withdrawing from a situation isn't a statement of superiority.

Cheating is an inherent rejection of established boundaries.

We can chose to be a victim or a survivor.

Move outside your comfort zone and associate with people who don't agree with your perspective. IOW, raise your standards.

twotrudoc
Apr. 9, 2012, 11:06 PM
If someone cannot respect their spouse and not lie (cheat) to them, then how am I to expect they won't lie to me?

People have the right to do whatever they want, but as a person, I also have the right to choose who and what I want to surround myself with.

This, exactly. There can be middle ground and people do make mistakes but cheaters and liars rarely do so just once LOL!!!

AllyandPete
Apr. 9, 2012, 11:33 PM
My best friend cheated on her boyfriend with a girl. She came to me one day and decided that she thought she may be bisexual/lesbian. She said she had kissed the girl in question on the cheek but that was it so far.

I said if you think you are a lesbian you need to explore that, but not by dragging your boyfriend along for the ride. I told her flat out it was rude and I would loose a lot of respect for her.

Well, she countered with she couldn't afford the house without him (they had been living together for 2 years...she was 27 he was 37) and that she didn't even know if she was a lesbian, she just had to find out.

I was super pissed at her, and told her that I was. Then when she called me a few weeks later to tell me that her boyfriend had walked in on her and her new girlfriend in bed I did not offer any sympathy. He is an AWESOME guy who would have never done anything to hurt her EVER.

Her boyfriend dumped her and moved out...then moved back in as friends...then they got back together...and now I am the maid of honor in their wedding next year, and no, she is not a lesbian (right now at least).


So I guess what I am saying is that I wouldn't necessarily dump a friend (she had been my best friend since highschool) but I sure as hell would verbalize my feelings! regardless of how well I knew my friend.

Rhyadawn
Apr. 9, 2012, 11:37 PM
I work in a small business with 5 other women (all of whom I consider my friends) and 3 of them are cheating on their spouses. 2 of them met their "boyfriend" while vacationing in Cuba, the other at The Royal.

I don't know what to say about it other than I liked life under the rock I was living and I desperately want to go back!!!!

Mozart
Apr. 9, 2012, 11:54 PM
Good enough to be a line from The Princess Bride.


carry on.....

Ah I knew it sounded familiar! Good call!

My take on this issue is that I pick my friends pretty carefully. I have about a million acquaintances, am friendly with a lot of people but when it comes to tried and true friends it is a small handful. Once you are my friend, you are my friend and that's it. If you are by nature dishonest, if you make a habit of hurting others for no good reason you won't have become one of my friends.

So if you are one of my friends, I will still be your friend even when you make a mistake. I stand by my friends as I hope they would stand by me if I did something stupid. I won't be an alibi and I won't be dishonest for you but I am not going to turn my back on you.

As I get older I see more shades of grey and less black and white.

jetsmom
Apr. 10, 2012, 12:58 AM
My best friend cheated on her boyfriend with a girl. She came to me one day and decided that she thought she may be bisexual/lesbian. She said she had kissed the girl in question on the cheek but that was it so far.

I said if you think you are a lesbian you need to explore that, but not by dragging your boyfriend along for the ride. I told her flat out it was rude and I would loose a lot of respect for her.

Well, she countered with she couldn't afford the house without him (they had been living together for 2 years...she was 27 he was 37) and that she didn't even know if she was a lesbian, she just had to find out.

I was super pissed at her, and told her that I was. Then when she called me a few weeks later to tell me that her boyfriend had walked in on her and her new girlfriend in bed I did not offer any sympathy. He is an AWESOME guy who would have never done anything to hurt her EVER.

Her boyfriend dumped her and moved out...then moved back in as friends...then they got back together...and now I am the maid of honor in their wedding next year, and no, she is not a lesbian (right now at least).


So I guess what I am saying is that I wouldn't necessarily dump a friend (she had been my best friend since highschool) but I sure as hell would verbalize my feelings! regardless of how well I knew my friend.

The boyfriend probably went home after breaking up with her and thought..."My girlfriend wants to experiment with other women, and I walk in, and kick her out?! How stupid AM I? Honey!!...Come back!"

fordtraktor
Apr. 10, 2012, 08:01 AM
I don't understand the fascination with people that never lie either. I've never met one. Cheating is an issue but not because the person might lie to you. All good friends lie. Honesty is too brutal.

I try not to lie about important things but I am constantly fudging the truth:

"I love your dress! You look great!" can = Well....I'm sure someone does and it looks expensive.

"I'm so glad to see you!" can =....I was enjoying listening to my book tape and I'm late

"Your horse looks terrific!" can = he hasn't dumped you in the last 5 minutes so I guess that's an improvement

"Of course, it is no trouble at all!" can = Heck yes, it was a lot of trouble but I did it because I like you

These and 1,000 others are technically untruths, but it is those little untruths that make the world pleasant and kind. So I fully admit to occasionally telling lies but I try to be a good person at the same time.

WW_Queen
May. 11, 2012, 03:57 PM
Loving this thread. Very eye-opening as far as some of the responses go. :)

spook1
May. 11, 2012, 04:25 PM
There are different types of affairs, and there are different types of cheaters. Serial cheaters like a couple of the women cited deserve all the contempt of the posters on the first page. I could see cutting them off. Ditto men who are chronic skirt chasers for whom the hunt and excitement mean everything.

Then there are people who are in the wrong marriage for a variety of reasons and stay in them for an even wider variety of reasons. Posters who blithely say get a divorce before stepping out aren't being realistic, or possibly don't know men as well as you think. It's a rare man who will leave a nest before he has another nest to move into. Women who kick husbands out upon finding out their husbands are cheating are smart to do so as finding an apartment, learning to shop and do laundry has brought more men back to the marriage bed than couples counseling ever will (though counseling is a good thing).

People who say once a cheater always a cheater are correct only SOME of the time. It really truly depends on why they cheat. If they are skirt chasers, or the female counterpart, yes they probably will. But if the person is unhappy or sexually mismatched, and they are searching for love and have found it with their next partner, then they won't cheat.

I had an affair with a married man when I was younger. When I realized I deserved more than he could give, I ended it. 25 years later he found me. He'd never forgotten me and his marriage (sexless when we were together) had only gotten longer (and worse). He had reached a point where he had begun asking "is this all there is?" and wanted more for whatever time he had left (he was 63). We were just 7 months into an emotional affair (separated by 300 miles) when he decided to end his 40 year marriage and moved out. I moved up to be with him and we've been together ever since. Will he cheat on me? Not in a million years. Because cheating on his wife caused HIM pain and guilt. Did our 2d affair (she never knew about the first until he told her he wanted a divorce) cause his ex wife pain? Of course, but ladies, if you have sex with your husband less than once a year for 15 years, you might want to consider there are consequences for that.

I was dropped by a long time friend because she disagreed with my decision to have this 2d affair (which will end in our marriage). I was sorry to lose her, but I could understand. Her husband had cheated on her and left her for another woman (whom he married and had the children my friend could not provide). She is still bitter and angry and has not moved on. My longest friend has been nothing short of wonderful. Her husband cheated on her with her best friend whom HE married. But after 15 years of marriage to this man, after just 2 years alone, she married her soulmate, who has given her the moon. My family sees the way my fiance' treats me and has had no problem welcoming him into our family. We all wish the circumstances had been different. He wishes he'd had the guts to leave his marriage during our 1st affair so we could've spend many more years together. I know I wouldn't have been the wife he needed back then, but I so wish we could have 40 years together, but it makes me value each minute we have together more.

So love is complicated and judge not lest ye be judged. If your self-righteous beliefs cause you to lose a friend here and there, well, don't be surprised if someday someone judges you (and that IS what you're doing) and finds you lacking.


........Perfectly stated. Love is complicated and until you've been in a bad situation whatever the reason don't be so quick to judge.

Trevelyan96
May. 11, 2012, 05:33 PM
As Krswyn said, there are many reasons for infidelity and I'm not about to judge someone else. No on knows what goes on in a marriage (including the 3rd party) except the people IN the marriage. Toyed with that notion when I was really unhappy, and just realized that I needed to decide whether or not I was committed to my marriage, because I did not like what cheating said about me as a person. Once I made the decision that I WAS committed, I've been much happier in my marriage. Strange how that works. But having BTDT in a sense, I can completely understand how someone can just have the feeling that they need more out of life yet aren't quite ready to give up on their marriage.

It does take a lot of work by two people to make a successful marriage, and a lot of spouses are so busy blaming the other man or woman that they don't take a hard look at what else might be contributing to their spouse's loss of committment.