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dudleyc
Apr. 8, 2012, 06:26 PM
So I just came home from a lovely easter lunch, held at my best friends country home. I have recently moved to NY state and am meeting new friends. At the lunch there were 3 couples, a married gentleman who's wife is in FL and myself. (this was an upscale affair, they employee a full time cook and the food and house and company and wine - it was fantastic)

It was very fun and at one point everyone was surprised that I have not yet been to NYC (weird as I do live close to the city and everyone else has apartments in the city).

The married gentlman, admitedly drunk, offered to show me NYC - and then it started to get a little crazy...he would hire a driver for the day so we wouldn't have to bother with taxis. He would take me to lunch at the best restaurant in NYC. Maybe it would be best if we went the night before and he'd arrange for me to stay at his club and he would stay at his apartment....

I kept drifting off to other conversations and there were a lot of great discussions.

When we left, I texted my hostess - my best friend in the area and asked if the gentleman was just drunk and hopefully not serious and got a text back that he was just drunk but THEN (like immediately after my text so he was probably still there?) I got 2 phone calls from the gentleman who wanted to confirm so he could make the arrangements...drivers, reservations, etc.

YIKES

I'm not comfortable with the plans - might be different, but I've never met the wife and I just moved to the area and don't want anyone to think I'm scamming. And frankly, I'd rather spend my not - working time riding....BUT I don't want to offend anyone.

So what is the best way to politely decline?

Megaladon
Apr. 8, 2012, 06:29 PM
Just say you already have plans/are busy or you're going to be out of town (like in the movie "Yes Man" LOL!).

dudleyc
Apr. 8, 2012, 06:37 PM
Just say you already have plans/are busy or you're going to be out of town (like in the movie "Yes Man" LOL!).

Crap, that won't work - as I'd initially (at a time it was just come to NYC) said that would be fun and that I'm not working Tuesday. Then I couldn't seem to stop his momentum.

Ajierene
Apr. 8, 2012, 06:46 PM
What is the problem, exactly?

If it is that you don't want to seem to be 'using his money', then get over it. If they have money like you described, then it is likely a drop in the bucket for him. Compare it to someone saying they will buy you McDonald's and a movie ticket to the latest movie that you haven't seen. Would you be upset by that? If even that would bother you to the point where you would insist on paying for yourself, tell him that you are uncomfortable spending his money.

If you are worried that he may want more than just a night on the town, tell him you would be more comfortable making the trip after you meet his wife. You can also tell him you would be more comfortable if his wife went on the trip as well.

dudleyc
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:02 PM
@Ajierene - not worrying about $ - he is fabulously wealthy with horse estates in NY and FL, an apartment in NYC and a house in France. (Although he doesn;t really ride anymore, he played polo and fox hunted and also had a passion for mountain climbing)

I'm uncomfortable as - he was drunk - and his enthusiasm was not that of a happily married man who had a platonic interest in showing a divorced professional woman around.

BUT.... he is very very interesting, and his wife is a dressage rider and I do not want to offend him.

twotrudoc
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:10 PM
Tell him of course you would love to be shown the city and are very excited about meeting his wife too. How exciting all three of you have a love of horses and they can be such wonderful host and hostess for you.

The response will tell you all you need to know ;)

SAcres
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:11 PM
Do you have a friend or a boyfriend or just a guy-friend you could bring along? Any "third wheel" would do, assuming you don't think it would be rude to invite someone else. If his intentions are truly just to show you around the city then he shouldn't have a problem with it. You could just say you would be more comfortable if someone else came along.

If you really don't want to go, tell him you need to ride, or that you're sick, or be honest and say you appreciate the offer but you wouldn't be comfortable in the situation.

CatOnLap
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:15 PM
Tell him of course you would love to be shown the city and are very excited about meeting his wife too. How exciting all three of you have a love of horses and they can be such wonderful host and hostess for you.

The response will tell you all you need to know ;)
THIS!! :winkgrin:

dudleyc
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:25 PM
Hmmmmm - the only reason I had Tuesday off, is that my surgeries got rescheduled (I'm a doctor) - this was discussed at the table.

He was drunker than he should have been prob. had some wine before he came to the lunch.

Its weird that he called me twice, (from two different phone numbers - left two voice mails).

I am thinking that I will wait till tomorrow - hopefully I can talk to my hostess - and tell him that I DO have to work after all. And that in the sober light of day he will be looking for a way out??

I really do not want to offend him at all as I know I'll see him at other social gatherings and he is a blast! BUT I HAVE NO ROMANTIC INTEREST IN MARRIED MEN.

My rules of dating have been whittled down to:
1. the boy needs to weigh nore than I do
2. the divorce needs to be final

She's Pure Gold
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:26 PM
Tell him of course you would love to be shown the city and are very excited about meeting his wife too. How exciting all three of you have a love of horses and they can be such wonderful host and hostess for you.

The response will tell you all you need to know ;)

Yep, I agree- this is a great response! Either you get a great day out and possibly a new horsey friend (his wife) or you confirm your suspicions without any negative consequences.

MunchingonHay
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:33 PM
honestly, I would go. Enjoy The City. I love it! I prefer to walk it rather than being driven around.

you are a big girl, you can handle some man showing you around town and if he gets fresh just tell him.

Canaqua
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:37 PM
Yep, I agree- this is a great response! Either you get a great day out and possibly a new horsey friend (his wife) or you confirm your suspicions without any negative consequences.

Yep, I agree with that approach...tell him you'd like to meet his lovely, horsey wife, too, so you'd love to go when she is available too. If he's on the up and up, he'll like the idea. If he doesn't like the idea...well HE has no business being offended, he's the one trying to spend time with a woman who is not his wife.

dudleyc
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:42 PM
@Munching....really??

This is a small upscale town. I just moved here 8 months ago. I am JUST starting to get invited to events and while I have friends it is unusual that I come with out my "plus one". I'm not so worried about him getting fresh - but about his wife getting pissed and then everyone talking about it.

I feel that being divorced I could potentially piss off the wives.

In general, I am easy going to a fault, but obviously not so comfortable with this.

lilitiger2
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:43 PM
I like your idea of in the light of day you do have to work, etc. as that will give you an out.

I gotta say, I guess I'm old and its a brave new world, but he's married, and drunk, and wants you to come in to town the night before...I can say if my husband was in that situation and extended that offer to another woman, I would not be happy. And this guy sounds like someone who knows exactly what he is asking!;) I like the idea of asking about his wife's schedule as you'd love to meet her, and Im sure, unless he is an idiot, he will get the point from that.

I am a cynic, based on MY experience so may not apply to anyone else. I like your criteria (I'd probably add a few more:cool: but I like those for sure!)

lilitiger2
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:44 PM
[QUOTE=dudleyc;6243834 I am easy going to a fault, but obviously not so comfortable with this.[/QUOTE]

for good reason ;)

redhorse5
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:55 PM
Tell your hostess of your concerns. She might allay your fears and say, Oh don't worry about him, he's harmless or she might say she agrees with you and help you out of the situation. Honestly, as long as it's during the day and you have an excuse to get out of there early, I wouldn't worry so much about it. Go, keep it completely professional and dress like a nun. He's probably just trying to be nice.

Otherwise just be honest with him and tell him you are concerned about how it looks and explain that you greatly appreciate his offer but since you are new in the area that you want to make sure that you don't offend his wife. The truth shall set you free.

dudleyc
Apr. 8, 2012, 08:06 PM
I like your idea of in the light of day you do have to work, etc. as that will give you an out.

I gotta say, I guess I'm old and its a brave new world, but he's married, and drunk, and wants you to come in to town the night before...I can say if my husband was in that situation and extended that offer to another woman, I would not be happy. And this guy sounds like someone who knows exactly what he is asking!;) I like the idea of asking about his wife's schedule as you'd love to meet her, and Im sure, unless he is an idiot, he will get the point from that.

I am a cynic, based on MY experience so may not apply to anyone else. I like your criteria (I'd probably add a few more:cool: but I like those for sure!)

You are making sense to me. His wife is driving back from Florida with their dog. He flew back. Now that I am thinking back on this, he said she wanted to make the drive in 2 days but he was hoping she'd take it slower and safer. Maybe the marriage is not so perfect - but even more of a reason for me to stay away.

MunchingonHay
Apr. 8, 2012, 08:21 PM
@Munching....really??

This is a small upscale town. I just moved here 8 months ago. I am JUST starting to get invited to events and while I have friends it is unusual that I come with out my "plus one". I'm not so worried about him getting fresh - but about his wife getting pissed and then everyone talking about it.

I feel that being divorced I could potentially piss off the wives.

In general, I am easy going to a fault, but obviously not so comfortable with this.


you may have been misreading his intentions. If it was discussed openly that he would show you around town and your best friend did not warn you that he is a sleazy cheat, then I would enjoy the day in the city. If its unusual that you come without your 'plus one' then he knows that you are in a relationship.

He may just be a nice guy that enjoys showing off the city and enjoys throwing around his money.

If you are uncomfortable touring the city without his wife, ask him when she comes back and make a rain check for when she is home. It should be soon if she is in WEF showing the dressage circuit.

dudleyc
Apr. 9, 2012, 07:08 AM
OK, so he left me 3 voice mails last night - hoping I could confirm.

I don't want to go to NYC this Tuesday. I may be a horse nerd, but I'd rather spend the day riding and my coach is coming for lessons on Wednesday.

I DO want to be friends with this guy - he is incredibly interesting, fun etc.

I DO NOT want any one thinking I am "big game hunting" and out to gather someone's husband.

lilitiger2
Apr. 9, 2012, 07:50 AM
So, that's FIVE phone calls? (even three is a lot but I thought there were two earlier) That would certainly validate my discomfort.

you seem very clear that you do not want to go. As far as what I would do, i'd call back, say sorry I missed him but I'd had plans, and that looking at my calander Tuesday just didn't work. I would be brief. I don't like lying but if he asked, would tel him I had commitments I couldn't get out of (horses sure count there!!) If he suggested another day I would be warm and friendly and vague and noncommital and say that I hoped whenever his wife and dog got back I'd love to meet her. And thank you. And then I'd have to go.:

thatmoody
Apr. 9, 2012, 07:53 AM
I wouldn't tell the hostess, etc. I'd go the route about asking about the wife - it gives the guy an "out" and makes you look better. Like he OBVIOUSLY couldn't be thinking what he looks like he's thinking. I've used that one before quite successfully - I am typically ignorant of intentions anyway. I would have asked about his wife automatically. :cool:

Linny
Apr. 9, 2012, 08:23 AM
I would simply explain that you would prefer to wait until you can meet his wife. Blame it on your "small town" upbringing, that you are uncomfortable with spending the day with a married man, who you have met only once, without his wife, in a strange (and very large) city.

Can you enlist the aid of the hostess in this case? It is possible that in this circle of friends that the men and women are all friends enough to do "daytrips" etc without spouses and the gentleman in question might just be being friendly. OTOH, it is possible that he's got a less innocent interest and hopes to "lure you in" before his wife gets back.

Canaqua
Apr. 9, 2012, 09:23 AM
I feel that being divorced I could potentially piss off the wives.


This is a legitimate concern. After I was divorced from my first husband, I moved back in with my parents for a while until I could get my act back together. They lived in an upscale town, in a fancy part of it...lots of the neighbors were very wealthy men with wives who did not work. The wives did NOT appreciate having me around, even though I didn't even talk to their husbands...I was there for the short term, my friends and work were in the city, etc...I was not interested in getting involved in the social life of that town. Didn't stop some of the wives from resenting my mere presence. Maybe they though divorce was contagious, or maybe they thought I was after their meal ticket because they couldn't conceive of NOT being dependent on a man.

Toadie's mom
Apr. 9, 2012, 09:44 AM
Do not go. I guarantee the wife doesn't know about this plan. If you've only lived there less than a year, you'll have plenty of oppurtunity to see the city. Call the hostess of this dinner and tell her you'd like to get a couple of women together to "do lunch", or something, in the city.

TheJenners
Apr. 9, 2012, 10:11 AM
Yep, married women generally do not like divorced woman. When I went through my divorce, my married/long-term relationship friendships foundered badly. The women got distance or down right dropped me and/or spread lies, and the men were confused because they didn't understand why their wives were suddenly telling them that even emailing me about mutual interests (like, hey there is a 5k coming up, you in?) was now a no-no. One couple I was excellent friends with, very close with both, almost ended their marriage because the guy tried to stand up to his wife and tell her she was being silly, I hadn't changed and why should they stop being friends with me...:no:.

The only female friends I retained was a woman whose DH I had never met, and a long time female friend who was married but I had met her DH like...once...ish...as he was only social when it came to motorcycles.

Don't do it. Don't. Not if you don't want at least SOME suspicions about you to be aroused in a new community where you aren't well-known yet.

jetsmom
Apr. 9, 2012, 12:24 PM
I would simply explain that you would prefer to wait until you can meet his wife. Blame it on your "small town" upbringing, that you are uncomfortable with spending the day with a married man, who you have met only once, without his wife, in a strange (and very large) city.

.

THIS^^^.

I think it's pretty obvious the guy is a player, looking for his next toy. The only thing he DIDN'T do is hold up a sign stating that.
You can hire tour guides to NY. They do this for a living, and don't have strings attached.

alabama
Apr. 9, 2012, 12:40 PM
My rules of dating have been whittled down to:
1. the boy needs to weigh nore than I do
2. the divorce needs to be final

You have yourself a perfect out right there if you are still going through your divorce. Tell him what my sister's attorney told her, "You can't be alone with any man until your divorce is finalized or you will put yourself in what could be a bad light whether you are guilty or not." Just tell him you can't for fear of divorce repercussions.

thatmoody
Apr. 9, 2012, 01:07 PM
See I wouldn't even explain that much, or say anything about being uncomfortable or anything. I would just sidestep the whole issue, tell him you are SO looking forward to meeting his wife in New York, and make him think that you think it's BOTH OF THEM issuing the invitation. Make it crystal clear that you think that he couldn't possibly be thinking anything untoward of YOU, because of course neither of you do those types of things. I am Southern enough to think that giving BOTH of you a clear out is a good idea - saving face is big down here :). Of course if he backs you into a corner you may have no choice, but I've had to disarm a couple of these situations with an "oh, I'll call Mary-Alice to firm up the hotel arrangements; I'll reserve a double for you two and a single for me - won't it be such fun?" (Mary-Alice being the wife and all).

Linny
Apr. 9, 2012, 11:22 PM
The Jenners, I didn't have trouble with my friends when I divorced, but since my son was enrolled in his school's "banana splits" program, I guess folks got to noticing. Suddenly at school functions the Moms didn't talk to me and none of the Dads would get within 10 feet of me. I found that for field trips many times girls brought mom as a chaperone and boys brought dad. I liked to volunteer for such things but ended up alone most of the time.
I don't get the idea that a divorced woman is somehow "on the prowl, looking to steal a new husband." All I kept thinking was "trust me hon, the one I just divorced is way better than yours." The real irony is that one of the moms who ignored me, who is married suddeny started hitting on my ex!

Backstage
Apr. 10, 2012, 12:01 AM
I would call and say the following:

Bob, it was so lovely to see you again/meet you the other night. I'm so appreciative of your generous offer to show me around but I completely forgot about my dentist appointment. It's right in the middle of the day too, such a waste but it's so hard to fit these things in with my work schedule. I'd still love for you and Alice to show me around NYC sometime. I'll give you or Alice a call once I figure out my next free day. Hope to see you soon and thanks again for the offer.

Long Spot
Apr. 10, 2012, 12:13 AM
Dudley, have you talked to him yet?

dudleyc
Apr. 10, 2012, 06:44 AM
Well I got out of it in a VERY lame way. I have my own little issue about letting people down which is probably a large part of how I got into this mess in the first place.

So this is how it went down. I was at work yesterday and the clinic was VERY busy.

I texted the hostess "------- left 3 voice mail messages for me last night. If I call him and tell him that I do have to work after all will he be offended?"

Her reply: "No, maybe see if he calls today when sober"

He called left voice mail re. plans

I texted him (I know I'm lame): "Good morning! It's really busy at the clinic today. I need to make sure I don't have to operate tomorrow. I think they added a surgery. I'll call within the hour."

Him: "OK"

Then me (still to chicken to call): "I have the worst F-ing luck. They added a surgery to my schedule an 11:00 which is going to nix the NYC trip (and ruin my whole day). Rain check?"

Him: "Sure!"


Not sure if the "rain check" was a good idea, but it made things friendlier. I am betting it will be months before I run into him again and his wife will be back this week....

lilitiger2
Apr. 10, 2012, 07:17 AM
I think thats great! You got out of it (and I do think you dodged a bullet). When you see him again, no reason to be any awkardness. I bet its a huge relief!

SaddleFitterVA
Apr. 10, 2012, 07:47 AM
On the whole, I would be worried about his ulterior motives.

But, if it is this Tuesday, as in, today, and he was going to hire a car, I can see calling to get confirmation, since ostensibly, hiring a car for a day would be easier with at least a day's notice.

I will say, if it were my husband who offered to take someone around the city, even a divorced woman, I would not mind so long as he'd shared his plans with me. Believe it or not, I have full trust that he is true to me, as he does in me.

I'd have no problem showing someone around, and providing the transportation and dinner.

CVPeg
Apr. 10, 2012, 08:06 AM
Glad to read the end result.

I think you'll be much better able to gauge his intent upon some day meeting the wife.

And yes, there are so many ways you can enjoy NYC. I'm sure there are others you'll meet very shortly who would be glad to have adventures with you that don't feel quirky.

Also much better for your being part of the community to not make your own intent questionable. Even though you know you're sincere, better not give them something to make tongues wag right off the bat! :eek:

Congratulations on your new position. Welcome to NY State! And explore further sometime. There are some beautiful locations up here (upstate!) as well. :yes: