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Chardavej
Apr. 8, 2012, 10:11 AM
I've been waiting for Off Topic to open, I've posted this on the UDBB but wanted to post this here too for my COTH friends.

I don't normally do this, but I don't know what to do, and I'm depressed and a nervous wreak and so is my poor sweet husband.

Fast forward to June of 2010, his mom called us and said she has lung cancer and it doesn't look good. So we start making time in our busy lives to visit her more often (she lives 3 hours away). Hubby and I both work and we also have a boarding barn. She has a sister that lives about and hour and a half away. Years ago she made her will and a power of attorney (2003) that her sister takes over finances if she (MIL) should ever become where she couldn't. She told DH you can trust her sister (his aunt) she would do right.

Well, as mom started to get to where she wasn't hungry so wouldn't eat, but was still able to get up on her own and make her way to the bathroom. couch and bed, it was decided that she is ok to stay alone, but someone needs to come one a day and bring her lunch and take her meds. So between hubby, some nieces and the next door neighbor, she was being cared for. But it got to where hubby needed to just be down there, he asked his aunt if she could help some (she retired, but does help her daughter some) and she pretty much said he needed to care for his mom. His mom told him if he would close his business, she would give him money to pay bills. So he closed his business and would go down on Wed morn and come home on Sun evenings. I took care of the farm and worked my full time job. Her niece would come in on Mon and Tue, bring her food and have her take her medicine.

Every other weekend or so I would go down and care for her and give DH a break.

Again, she was ambulating on her own, and didn't need full time care, just someone to make sure she ate and took her meds. But because of the distance, it was decided that DH would just stay there as much as possible. He would sit around and watch TV or drive around some while she slept or go to the marina where a friend of his has a boat.

Well, about three weeks ago, her sister called hubby and said she was going to give him a break, and she would come down and care for her for a week. He came home Sun, and I was to go down Fri after work and take care of her that weekend. I called on my way in and her sister answered the phone, I said I was now in town and wanted to see what mom wanted to eat and I would pick it up. Sister (aunt) said she already ate and she's now in bed. She said she was leaving and we would probably pass on the highway.

I got there and checked on mom, she was sleeping. I had bought a baby monitor that weekend to set up in her room and one in the guest room in case she needed someone in the middle of the night since the guest room was upstairs. I don't know why, but I couldn't sleep, and I kept thinking about her sister and why now did she decide to come and relieve hubby? Why?

8 times during the night (between 11:00 pm and 6:00 am) she called out for me, I went in her room, she needed to go to the bathroom but was to weak to even sit up. I had to lift her to a sitting position, then move her legs off the bed and slide her feet to the floor, and practically carry her to the bathroom the first time. I barely got her back to the bed, and then had to "fireman" lift her into the bed and then climb in the bed (one of those tall 4 poster beds) and stand over top of her and adjust her into the bed. The second time I got a handicap porta type potty out of the attic and put it beside her bed. And each time she was thirsty, so I would bring her a drink with a straw. 8 times I did this.

By morning I was a nervous wreck, I called hubby, her sister and hospice. I told hospice to get someone out here now. I really thought it was the end! I was so scared and crying and trying so hard to keep it together. I told hubby he needed to get here now. He called me back and said that her sister (his aunt) has cleaned out the checking and savings account. I was in shock!

Hospice came, I asked for blood work but they said they couldn't do it, that it had to be ordered, but all her vitals checked out fine. I told her we needed a hospital bed as I can't maneuver her in that big bed, they rushed the order and was able to have it delivered on Sat. Soon the neighbor arrived after hospice left and was saying things like "WE have it all planned, WE'VE decided she needs 24/7 care, WE have it all figured out how we're gonna work it..." I asked who "WE" was since hubby nor I were told of ANY plans. She said sister and I.

Also came to find out that she took her to the doctor Friday, in a wheelchair, got her declared incompetent, went to the court and recorded the POA, closed out checking, savings and I guess the CD's and took everything out of her safe deposit box, forwarded her mail to her house, took the car keys to his moms car and went back home.

By Sat she was lucid again, still unable to go to the bathroom, but was able to sit up right and put her legs over the edge of the bed. By Sun she was able to walk to the bathroom on her own and today she was dressed and actually standing washing dishes.

I truly believe she withheld her medicine in that week she was here to get her so weak and then have her claimed as incompetent. Can't prove it and it's only a theory, but why was she fine when hubby left and so weak when I got there and in a few days better? I know that she can have good days and bad days, but really?

Anyway, we let it go, she said she saw that hubby had taken 14k out in 5 months. Well, some of that was the Christmas checks she gives us each year, so not sure why she would even count that, and some is to us to help us pay our bills, but the majority if for the gas for the drive there and back once a week (and sometimes there and back twice a week on the weekends I go down there) paying her bills, buying her groceries (like ensure, which isn't cheap, and those damn cigarettes), fast food (which is what she seems to only want, so that's what we get her, as long as she eats we're happy), handicap items like a hand held wall mount shower, shower chair, raised toilet seat, rails- etc...and just a lot of other stuff. We tried to explain, said we had receipts and you can't count Christmas gift as she gives it to us each year. But she just kept saying he wasn't taking good care of her, that he was gone "6 to 7 hours a day" and that he went to go "partying" at an oyster roast (hubby is painfully honest and open, and he had told her one time he was going to a oyster roast for dinner once.) I have to laugh, because if you know my hubby, "partying" and him can't be used in the same sentence, unless you said he left because people were partying. He can't stand that, he just wants peace and quiet, and he went to an oyster roast at the marina for dinner, looked out at the water and chatted with some of the old timers and went back to his moms. And the way she would say it... "PARTYING" like a dirty word.

And what gets me, is that she is acting like he has no right to EVER leave the house, and because he would, he was not taking care of his mom. But yet, she won't/can't help, and knows that he comes home on Sundays and her niece comes Mon and Tues to feed and give meds. Other than that, mom has been fine, and really didn't NEED 24/7 care. Until the week her sister came to care for her. She was saying "Look how weak she was under her sons care!!" I said she was FINE when he left, and she went down hill under YOUR care and came back once back under OUR care!!" She was like "What are you saying??" I told her you know EXACTLY what I am saying.

Well, mom got on the phone with her the other day and they had it out, mom told her she had no right to what she was doing, she wanted her money back and she did not no longer trust her or want her as power of attorney. Her sister kept saying "He TOOK 14k from you in 5 months!!" she told her she GAVE him the money, knew each time she did and it was her money, her son, and none of her (sister/aunts) business! Hubby did tell his mom each time he took money out, and he has receipts, and mom even told sister that she gave him money to finish a barn. Sister then said something about her loaning us 40k about 10 years ago and mom said yes, and he's paid it each month and again, that was HER business as it was HER money and HER son and has nothing to do with what was going on now. In fact, mom GAVE sister 10k to make a screened in room a sunroom! Of course I guess that was ok. Also money that she has given her here and there as gifts. Mom is very generous and kind to everyone.

What really chaps hubby and my ass is that for the last few months his mom has been trying to get him to go to the bank (and she would try to get me too) to change the beneficiaries on one of the CD's from her sister to son, said she wanted everything to go to son. But we both told her no, her sister cares for her and deserves it. Now I wish we had. Damn it not really, in a way I do but in a way I don't. I am hurt by what she has done. So is hubby.

Well now mom is upset, and she keeps crying and asking "Why?? Why did she do this?? Doesn't she realize I'm DYING?!?!" It is tearing hubby apart! And whats frustrating is we have no money now, I took some out of my IRA to pay bills this month, but her sister wont call us back.

And along in this time line, if you've even read this far, is this past weekend mom was DONE with people being in her house, telling her what to do (because sister had it planned who was gonna be there when...) and was beligerent and angry, which was understandable, she was doing wonderful, and while a few weeks ago needed 24/7 care, she didn't need it now and didn't want it. Sister called an ambulance and they hauled her away while I called hospice and hubby was on the phone to his mom listening to them drag her away screaming for him to help her, but he was 3 hours away. He drove down there and has been there since. Hospice nurse is angry, and gave sister and neighbor a talking to. She overrode everything they had to say, they kept trying to blame son, nurse said she's there three times a week and sees what goes on and he was giving his mom wonderful care and was obvious how much he loved her and how happy she was to have him there. Elder social services is looking into the incompetency paperwork as two doctors are supposed to sign and only one did, so I am hoping it will be overturned and we can revoke the POA.


Her best friend is listed as the secondary POA, but she doesn't want that responsibility, and we just want sister to ease up, we're not sure what the anger is, she hates hubby I guess and it's all coming to light now, there is a lot of resentment there to him from her. He is such a kind man, I just don't understand. We would just like to hire the attorney to be POA, and unbiased person with nothing to gain but the fees. Hubby doesn't want to be POA, and he was hoping he could trust aunt to be fair, but it's just weird. I really think she is trying to possibly keep the money, saying son wasn't deserving of it and trying to work up some "case". He has all receipts. She also seems to think he spent all this money on "his" boat, but what she doesn't know it's not his boat, it's his friends boat who he helped with advise on buying. Hubby has 152.00 in the boat, and again his friend and him have receipts on that too.

I don't know what to do, we're both so stressed and we're worried sick about his mom. Hubby is scared because she is so stressed, her short term memory is terrible, but everything else seems to be going good. She remembers, but has to ask a question, then it floods back. I can't believe her sister, who she loved with all her heart and soul, is doing this to her. This isn't the time for this! She is DYING!! Oh man here come the tears again... I don't know how much more we can take. When I started this I was shaking so violently like I was cold. But I'm not cold, just really in shock and sadness and depression. I don't know what she can do, we're talking about a good deal of money. I guess we'll find out more later what she can and can't do and what she's going to do.

I hope and I pray pray pray that she turns around and realizes what is going on, before it's too late. Her sister is dying and she's too busy "hiding" everything from son and being sneaky, when he's always been open and honest with her, only to bite him in the ass.

I don't know why I'm posting this, I feel a little better just putting it down, like a outlet for me or something. Right now we could use some prayers and hugs. He is going to bring mom here tomorrow and let her stay with us some. Let her enjoy the nice weather and sit on the swing and look at the horses. Hopefully she can relax and ease her mind some. Right now we're all wound as tight as a bass drum.

Thanks for listening, and a cookie for you.

fooler
Apr. 8, 2012, 10:21 AM
Can only say that death and money brings put the worst in humans. Good luck a d hugs to you and your family

onelanerode
Apr. 8, 2012, 10:29 AM
Please look into what resources your state offers for elder care/elder abuse.

Also, does your MIL have a social worker/case worker through the hospital where she is getting treatment? That person, or a patient navigator/patient advocate, may be able to help you sort through this and point you toward the proper professionals. Hospice may also have resources for dealing with this sort of thing; unfortunately it is not uncommon. :no:

You may need to retain the services of an attorney who specializes in elder care issues.

Meanwhile, make sure you and your husband are taking care of yourselves. Caretaking under any circumstances is stressful, and it is even more so in these kinds of situations. Do your best to get adequate rest, even if you have to talk with your doctors about short-term meds to help you sleep. No one makes good decisions when exhausted.

JanM
Apr. 8, 2012, 10:30 AM
OMG! I think it's another case of relatives revealing their true selves in the face of economic gain. The sister won't give up easily, and the mom's lawyer needs to get involved with the help of elder services and get everything back ASAP, as you are already doing.

It's tough for someone to realize that another person (the sister) doesn't care about them, never did and never will. The sister just wants the money, and if you wouldn't have returned when you did and tried so hard then your MIL would be in the cheapest nursing home you can find, the house and everything would have a For Sale sign, and the sister would have every penny.

And like the case of an older cousin of mine, the sister wouldn't even have paid for or attended the funeral, someone else would have had to do it or it would have been a pauper's funeral (Unfortunately, this does happen to people, and I saw it).

I think MIL will need to get a restraining order, and to notify everyone that this sister isn't to make any decisions or have any access to her or her accounts, and needs to file new directives for medical POA or the sister could file a DNR prematurely that could have horrible consequences.
The aunt/sister won't stop until she gets every penny. Change the locks immediately too, if you haven't already. And when the inevitable happens have someone (hire a security guard if necessary) in the house 24/7 or during necessary visitations/services the house will be emptied (you don't want to know how I know this one either, sadly through experience), and don't be surprised if some realtor drops in to plan the listing (not kidding about that either) on a house they think is being sold by someone who has authority.

It is horrible to see someone behave like the aunt/sister, but she has shown everyone what she's like, so believe what she's shown. Treat her as if she was a thief, because that's what she is.

TheJenners
Apr. 8, 2012, 10:46 AM
Just wow. What a sad situation :no:.

I've been (apparently) disowned, so while it was a shock at first when I heard it, I guess I'm glad I won't have to deal with this?? I have no desire to have a fight with family in a situation like this.

BlueEyedSorrel
Apr. 8, 2012, 11:06 AM
{hugs}

Death and funerals bring out the worst in some people. No advice, but my family has been through something similar.

My mother took care of my great-aunt (on my dad's side) for nearly 15 years. Great-aunt was a widow who didn't drive, had no children, no blood relatives in the US, only her husband's family. Many people in the family considered her "difficult" but my father was her favorite nephew and my mother found her spirited, feisty and funny. So Mom volunteered to take Auntie to the doctor, hairdresser, bank, grocery store etc once a week. Auntie was like a grandmother to me, like a second mother to my mom, included in xmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, weddings, graduations and all that.

Then Auntie develops dementia in her mid 80s and goes rapidly down-hill within a year. In her mental state, she turns on my parents and accuses them of all sorts of horrible (and completely untrue) things. There was much ranting about how my parents were stealing all her money, poisoning her food and that she wanted my mother (who was to inherit EVERYTHING) out of her will. At this point, she was also seeing dead relatives, so definitely NOT in her right mind. Then she passes away, having gone from living independently to being bedridden, incontinent and non-verbal in a little over a year:(.

When the will was read, my parents discovered that another family member had used the ravings of a poor, sick woman as an excuse to find a lawyer willing to change the will....completely cutting out my parents and making himself the heir:eek:.

We're not talking about some vast fortune here--my parents were advised that the worth of the estate is not enough to make contesting the will feasible. It's really not about the money, it's about broken trust. It truly tore me up to see my mother, a good woman who only ever wanted to help and do the right thing, so hurt. We can forgive my aunt, who was mentally ill and didn't know what she was doing, but the relationship with the dishonest relative is forever changed.

So sorry to hear about your MIL, Chardevej, and best wishes for peace and healing.
BES

Chardavej
Apr. 8, 2012, 11:15 AM
We have hired an attorney, and he is going to call the sister and send her a letter Monday. He is also going to call the hospice nurse and the social services worker.

I am really really hoping that he can't get her removed. She was shouting she was DONE! She wanted OUT! She didn't want or need the responsibility (of course she ALWAYS does that if things don't go her way or if she's not in control). But she's back at it.

Sis called mom yesterday, and was all "OMG are you OK?" Like she were kidnappers and not treating her right, withholding medicine and food and have to tied to her bed. Geesh!

It was while hubby was gone to get us breakfast, her sister called on her cell phone, I answered it, she asked if she could speak to mom and I said "Sure! Hold on a sec.." and handed the phone to mom "It's (sister) for you." all as pleasant as I could be.

Well, mom's phone volume was up so I could hear her side of the conversation also. She was like all panicked "Are you all right?? I didn't know SONNNN had taken you away from your home!! I had to hear it from your BFF (because we called her yesterday and asked her to call sister and let her know mom was here) mom told her well son told her to tell her, I heard her sarcastic reply "I doubt THAT!..." Grrrrrrrrrrrr! Well, also, nasty sister, YOU wouldn't return any phone calls, so how COULD anyone tell you? Moron...

Anyway she started in on the money, dear Lord! Just when mom was calm and "forgetting" here she goes getting her all upset! I could hear her "He took almost 15k from you!! He's a THIEF and a LIAR! I don't want to have anything to do with him or her (me)!" Mom started getting upset again, saying it's HER money, she wants it, she wants son to have it all anyway! And I would hear sister-- "you can't trust son, he took money out of your account using the ATM, I have proof!! You don't use the ATM!" Mom said no, no I don't (but son got money out of the ATM every week to put money in her wallet to pay her nieces for lunches they needed to buy, cigarettes for mom and money to pay them if they cleaned the house, 200 to 300 every week. But noooooo, sister wont acknowledge that!

So, instead of being worried about her health, she is so worried about the money. But has she offered yet to care for her? Nope. She says when you get home call me and I'll come see you (how big of you---now) but I wont come there if son is there.

Hubby came home and stood there listening, getting mad (and if you all knew my husband, he just doesn't get mad. He's everyone's calming source, there is a better word for it but I can't think of it). He went outside and went out with him and he was shaking mad and started to cry. He said " that woman (sister) is talking down the only thing that mom loves, ME! What is wrong with her?? How DARE she!! What is her PROBLEM!"

Mom loves him so much, she says all the time to everyone that hubby is her angel, and he is a fierce protector of her. I think sister needs to stop and watch out, I hope this attorney can do something. It has to STOP. If she can't stop upsetting her she just needs to GO THE HELL AWAY! She is doing NO good for her health!

I am trying to be nice. I do not want to cut off her sister from her sister (I do, but it's not my choice really, I don't think I have that right) yet she feels she has the right to berate and belittle her own son to her? Who has done nothing but love his mom?

She gets on my nerves with her "I'm so awesome look at me I am taking charge but not really doing anything" shit I just want to punch her!

I had a dream last night that her and I were outside at dawn talking, or she was, I finally just started crying and said "Forget the money! PLEASE! Just love your sister! Love her! She wont be here for much longer! Why are you forgetting that??" and she stopped, paused and started crying and said "You're right, you are right! Lets do this together!"

I wish it could come true. I really do, then it would be easier for us, her and mom.

OH! And mom asked how she could get her money back, sister said you would have to take me to court, mom said, well, I guess I will see you in court then.

Mom woke up this morning crying, saying her sister was going to burn in hell. I just don't get it. She was saying all she wants is peace and for her to leave her alone.

I have a video recorder and I am going to start (and have actually began) recording moms thoughts and activities. She (sister) is not going to say we influenced her, and it will show us saying to her that her sister is acting on her behalf, and not bashing sister (which we aren't, we want mom to not worry, so we bash sister between each other and not mom).

She wanted to call her again this morning, I asked her why, what did she want to accomplish? She said I want to tell her to give me my life back, leave me alone and put my money back. I said mom you already told her, and she said you have to take her to court. She said well I'll call and beg her. I said mom you've done that too.

I have her an anxiety pill and she is much calmer. Not crying or fretting.

I really, really dislike her sister doing this to her. There is a lot of money, if we were gonna take advantage of her, we would have paid off all our bills rather than taking just enough each month to pay the monthly payments. But we don't know how long she has or what kind of long term care she will need, so we only do a month to month.

She's strong right now, and doing well. She is eating better too. Walking and getting around great, she's just tired, she wants to sleep a lot (but stays up regardless) and hospice says this is normal. She is even going outside and sitting in the sun. Something we haven't been able to get her to do in a long long time.

Have to tell you something funny. Yesterday we got her one of those Jack in the Box breakfast platters (6 50 cent sized pancakes, 2 pieces of sausage, eggs and hash browns) and hubby got me a sausage egg and cheese biscuit. I wasn't hungry so didn't eat. Mom ate that WHOLE platter AND my biscuit!

Then at lunch I made her shrimp fried rice.

And at dinner she was hungry and wanted to know what was for dinner, I said I'm going to make spaghetti, she said well, I don't smell anything? I laughed and got up and said ok, let the smells begin! She ate three bowls of spaghetti (granted we feed her child size portions) and two pieces of garlic toast!

JanM
Apr. 8, 2012, 11:20 AM
BES-that's horrible! I don't know how someone can look at themselves in the mirror after pulling a theft like that.

I've heard of many cases over the years (including in my parents families) of longterm caregivers being screwed over in either the everything goes to my favorite kid routine (and it's not the person who gave up their entire life to take care of one or both parents), or everything was given to someone who never did a thing for the parent, doesn't need the money, and won't be decent enough to share with the person who now has nothing. I don't know why a person who had devoted their life and livelihood to take care of a parent would be screwed over like that, but it happens repeatedly in my experience. Sometimes the other siblings or heirs do the decent thing and financially share with the real caregiver, but a lot of times they don't and it's very sad.

Chardavej
Apr. 8, 2012, 11:35 AM
BES-that's horrible! I don't know how someone can look at themselves in the mirror after pulling a theft like that.

I've heard of many cases over the years (including in my parents families) of longterm caregivers being screwed over in either the everything goes to my favorite kid routine (and it's not the person who gave up their entire life to take care of one or both parents), or everything was given to someone who never did a thing for the parent, doesn't need the money, and won't be decent enough to share with the person who now has nothing. I don't know why a person who had devoted their life and livelihood to take care of a parent would be screwed over like that, but it happens repeatedly in my experience. Sometimes the other siblings or heirs do the decent thing and financially share with the real caregiver, but a lot of times they don't and it's very sad.

This is what worries me also, CAN she get the money after his mom passes? He's the beneficiary of everything, and it's in her will, and even if sister says she doesn't have the will, in SC if there is no will everything will pass to the immediate relative, which would be son.

I just really can't think of why else she is doing what she's doing, she says she's helping mom, but I don't see where she is doing anything but harm. The only thing she has done is take the money and go back home.

Heck, she lives about a little over an hour away from her, we live 3 hours away, and once when she wanted mom to stay with her, we took her there on the way home and had to pick her up a few days later and drive her back to her home.

She came down to get the money though...

Claddagh
Apr. 8, 2012, 12:17 PM
Chardavej, what is happening to your family is heartbreaking (to say the least). Unfortunately it happens all too often.

I believe that you are dealing with a true sociopath in your MIL's sister. She blatantly, through her actions, shows that she has NO CONSCIENCE whatsoever. She feels that she is entitled to do whatever she wants in order to get what she wants (whether that be getting the money that rightfully belongs to her sister, and secondarily to her sister's son, via her will or *getting out of* having to physically take care of her sister). Clear characteristics of sociopathic behavior.

The sister is also in violation of elder abuse laws, which hopefully in SC (where MIL lives?) are in place and strongly supported by the courts.

But the good news (if there is any) is that now that you have an attorney (hopefully he/she is well-versed in elder abuse cases), *sister dearest* will be held responsible by the courts for accounting for every penny of your MIL's money from the day she transferred it to her name (with POA or not). That money belongs to your MIL and hopefully that ownership will be restored. If sister has spent any of it, she will have to show an accurate accounting to the courts. If any of it was not spent directly for the benefit of her sister, than *sister dearest* will have to repay every cent (plus penalties hopefully).

Oh, and if it comes to a lawsuit against the sister, please have your attorney sue for court costs plus punitive damages! Make that SOB pay dearly for her disgusting behavior!

Best of luck to you, DH and MIL. What a horrible way for you all to have to spend what time MIL may have left. I am so sorry.

Coanteen
Apr. 8, 2012, 12:35 PM
Honestly, let the lawyers deal with this. The calls are upsetting you, mom, and your husband at a time when you have more then enough worries already - keep them to the bare necessary minimum, and let your attorneys handle the sister.

JanM
Apr. 8, 2012, 12:43 PM
Char-there is every possibility that the sister has been having your MIL sign things while she's out of it also. She wouldn't be the first to pull that, and with fake dates could very well have all kinds of wills, etc naming her as beneficiary. Apparently she's seen the will, and knows what the date is on it so she could very well get a will made up (like everything else they have software for this, and online templates), with a slightly later date, and take everything. Thieves are very creative, and she sounds as if she's thought this out throughly.

LLDM
Apr. 8, 2012, 01:59 PM
You all really need a mediator! Please don't take what I am about to say as defending your aunt-in-law. What she is doing is truly awful. That said, there is a possibility that from her perspective, she is trying to protect her sister - even if she is going about it in the worst possible way.

Some people simply can not handle death. They completely freak out and lose all perspective. (I have a sister like this, and a really fear the day our Mom passes. It will be ugly.) In this woman's mind it is not unlikely that she is terrified of losing her sister, desperately wants to DO SOMETHING, but can't do anything helpful because she is totally freaked out that her sister is dying and she can't make that stop. Part of her probably realizes that she is totally useless and feels quite guilty about it. If so, she may have seized upon this a way to feel like she is protecting her sister (even though it is ridiculous to protect her from her loving son). She is probably too inept to do anything really useful.

I only raise this possibility because by understanding this scenario may help you figure out how to diffuse the situation - or alternatively, how a mediator might approach it.

Because your MIL trusted her sister in the past and is shocked and surprised by her current actions, it might be that this woman is not completely evil and selfish (maybe she is just temporarily out of her ever-livin' mind). If this is even a possibility, then hopefully it can sorted out before your MIL passes with bad blood all the way around. It would be too sad for your MIL and your husband.

I think finding an amenable third party to handle all the finances would be great. If this doesn't appease this woman, then you all should probably just write her off. But how sad would that be.

Good luck and godspeed to all of you. It is so hard to go through the process of helping someone you love go through their final days (weeks, months, years). It sounds like you and your husband are doing so with love and compassion. I am so sorry this additional burden is on you guys, esp. MIL. HUGS!

SCFarm

mvp
Apr. 8, 2012, 02:04 PM
I didn't read all the replies, so this may be redundant. But my family went though something a tad similar last summer.

Is MIL clearly "herself" and competent to make decisions?

Does she have an attorney of her own?

If so, you need to have her do a face-to-face with that guy. She needs to get clear about what she wants and have him get it done.

Chardavej
Apr. 8, 2012, 03:03 PM
Char-there is every possibility that the sister has been having your MIL sign things while she's out of it also. She wouldn't be the first to pull that, and with fake dates could very well have all kinds of wills, etc naming her as beneficiary. Apparently she's seen the will, and knows what the date is on it so she could very well get a will made up (like everything else they have software for this, and online templates), with a slightly later date, and take everything. Thieves are very creative, and she sounds as if she's thought this out throughly.

OMG I never ever thought of that! Holy cow! And there would be nothing I can do. I hope the attorney can get this sorted out and the incompetancy reversed. If Vera doesn't come up with the will, or if she had a new one made and gives us the old one I can't be at peace. I think I will see if we can get a new will also. Thank you thank you thank you!!!

Chardavej
Apr. 8, 2012, 03:05 PM
You all really need a mediator! Please don't take what I am about to say as defending your aunt-in-law. What she is doing is truly awful. That said, there is a possibility that from her perspective, she is trying to protect her sister - even if she is going about it in the worst possible way.

Some people simply can not handle death. They completely freak out and lose all perspective. (I have a sister like this, and a really fear the day our Mom passes. It will be ugly.) In this woman's mind it is not unlikely that she is terrified of losing her sister, desperately wants to DO SOMETHING, but can't do anything helpful because she is totally freaked out that her sister is dying and she can't make that stop. Part of her probably realizes that she is totally useless and feels quite guilty about it. If so, she may have seized upon this a way to feel like she is protecting her sister (even though it is ridiculous to protect her from her loving son). She is probably too inept to do anything really useful.

I only raise this possibility because by understanding this scenario may help you figure out how to diffuse the situation - or alternatively, how a mediator might approach it.

Because your MIL trusted her sister in the past and is shocked and surprised by her current actions, it might be that this woman is not completely evil and selfish (maybe she is just temporarily out of her ever-livin' mind). If this is even a possibility, then hopefully it can sorted out before your MIL passes with bad blood all the way around. It would be too sad for your MIL and your husband.

I think finding an amenable third party to handle all the finances would be great. If this doesn't appease this woman, then you all should probably just write her off. But how sad would that be.

Good luck and godspeed to all of you. It is so hard to go through the process of helping someone you love go through their final days (weeks, months, years). It sounds like you and your husband are doing so with love and compassion. I am so sorry this additional burden is on you guys, esp. MIL. HUGS!

SCFarm

Yes you are right, I have thought that what she is doing she think she is doing for her sister.

The only thing that bothers me, is when before she got really sick, she could have come and cared for her some, she's only a little over an hour away and retired, but wouldn't but only so often. Now in her defense her daughter did have surgery so she ran her business for her while she was down and her daughters boy friend also had surgery so she helped a few days for that so daughter could be with him.

But she was told by the doctors she didn't have much longer in June. There has been little help other than armchair supervising.

BuddyRoo
Apr. 8, 2012, 03:14 PM
I'm sad to say that during the course of me doing home health/hospice care, I saw more of this situation than peaceful ones. To the point of one evening, I was with my patient and we were singing hymns while her family members were in the next room fighting over a Tiffany lamp and other items. She passed that night. I don't think anyone ever said goodbye to her.

People can get really really weird at times like this. My own family members no longer speak to each other after a particularly bad situation surrounding "stuff" and my Grandpa's death. It's whacky.

Attorneys are the best way to go I guess. If this sister has the POA and spends the money, there won't be any inheritance left, right? Not that it's the core of the issue, but it sounds like your MIL's wishes are not being met.

Someone has to advocate for her but I'm afraid it will need to be an attorney and not just you or your hubby.

I too think that if you have abuse concerns, you need to to follow that reporting path as well.

Best wishes during this difficult time.

LLDM
Apr. 8, 2012, 03:43 PM
Yes you are right, I have thought that what she is doing she think she is doing for her sister.

The only thing that bothers me, is when before she got really sick, she could have come and cared for her some, she's only a little over an hour away and retired, but wouldn't but only so often. Now in her defense her daughter did have surgery so she ran her business for her while she was down and her daughters boy friend also had surgery so she helped a few days for that so daughter could be with him.

But she was told by the doctors she didn't have much longer in June. There has been little help other than armchair supervising.

I think it might be less about what she can physically do for your MIL and more about what she isn't able to for her mentally and emotionally. Some people simply can not handle someone dying - or face them while they are dying.

You MUST know, since you are going through it now, how much inner strength is takes to be there, to be upbeat, supportive and unselfish. There are people who just can't get beyond themselves and their won feelings to truly be there, available and helpful for another person.

It doesn't make them awful (unless they ACT awfully), but it just is more than a lot of people can do. They can't get beyond themselves and their OWN feelings to be of any use.

Death makes some people feel very vulnerable, or abandoned, or just very aware of their own mortality (likely here since they are of the same generation).

I know how difficult this must be, but I'll bet you anything it isn't about you, your husband or even your MIL. This is about your aunt-in-law's inability to cope or even tolerate the impending death of her sister.

Hang in there and take comfort in the fact that your MIL knows she is loved by her son and his wife, even if her sister has lost her mind.

SCFarm

sdlbredfan
Apr. 8, 2012, 04:25 PM
Chardavej, what is happening to your family is heartbreaking (to say the least). Unfortunately it happens all too often.

I believe that you are dealing with a true sociopath in your MIL's sister. She blatantly, through her actions, shows that she has NO CONSCIENCE whatsoever. She feels that she is entitled to do whatever she wants in order to get what she wants (whether that be getting the money that rightfully belongs to her sister, and secondarily to her sister's son, via her will or *getting out of* having to physically take care of her sister). Clear characteristics of sociopathic behavior.

The sister is also in violation of elder abuse laws, which hopefully in SC (where MIL lives?) are in place and strongly supported by the courts.

But the good news (if there is any) is that now that you have an attorney (hopefully he/she is well-versed in elder abuse cases), *sister dearest* will be held responsible by the courts for accounting for every penny of your MIL's money from the day she transferred it to her name (with POA or not). That money belongs to your MIL and hopefully that ownership will be restored. If sister has spent any of it, she will have to show an accurate accounting to the courts. If any of it was not spent directly for the benefit of her sister, than *sister dearest* will have to repay every cent (plus penalties hopefully).

Oh, and if it comes to a lawsuit against the sister, please have your attorney sue for court costs plus punitive damages! Make that SOB pay dearly for her disgusting behavior!

Best of luck to you, DH and MIL. What a horrible way for you all to have to spend what time MIL may have left. I am so sorry.

I am echoing this, hoping you, Hubby and MIL all will live long enough to see Sister rot in jail/prison for a long time. Good luck and keep us posted!

sdlbredfan
Apr. 8, 2012, 04:26 PM
I didn't read all the replies, so this may be redundant. But my family went though something a tad similar last summer.

Is MIL clearly "herself" and competent to make decisions?

Does she have an attorney of her own?

If so, you need to have her do a face-to-face with that guy. She needs to get clear about what she wants and have him get it done.

Ohmigosh, yes! (Why didn't I think to say that...) Do that right away. MIL also needs to let the police know that she she has been taken advantage of and that Sister stole from her, theft by deception/coercion/elder abuse tactics.

Blugal
Apr. 8, 2012, 04:42 PM
Keep talking to your lawyer. Protect your MIL and yourselves by having her speak, independently, to a different lawyer.

JanM
Apr. 8, 2012, 04:49 PM
I'm getting more and more steamed about this. What a horrible thing to do to someone who has little time left. I think police charges should be filed about the theft, because of the illegal way the incompetency was handled, but filed in such a way that it will still be prosecuted after your MIL passes. Maybe the elder abuse authorities can do this. And if the MIL agrees the aunt needs to stop being allowed to call, because it doesn't help matters at all to upset your MIL, that will have to be the MIL's choice. Greed is an awful thing, and sometimes people will fight over the smallest things, let along bigger estates.

Chardavej
Apr. 8, 2012, 10:41 PM
I'm getting more and more steamed about this. What a horrible thing to do to someone who has little time left. I think police charges should be filed about the theft, because of the illegal way the incompetency was handled, but filed in such a way that it will still be prosecuted after your MIL passes. Maybe the elder abuse authorities can do this. And if the MIL agrees the aunt needs to stop being allowed to call, because it doesn't help matters at all to upset your MIL, that will have to be the MIL's choice. Greed is an awful thing, and sometimes people will fight over the smallest things, let along bigger estates.

It's killing us waiting around to find out. It seems like time is going to drag on this and I hope not.

One another note, we got mom out of the house today. :) Who needs a hoverround when you have a golf-cart? Pulled the golf cart up to the front door and took her for a ride out in the pastures. She got to pet some horse noses and look at all the beautiful horses. Then we drove her down the trails. Hubby has spent a good part of the past two days mowing all the trails and they look beautiful. Then they sat on the porch and watched me swing the badminton racket at the carpenter bees, LOL! I took videos from the back of the golf-cart, and then got off at one point once at the house and video'd him showing his mom the plum trees and crab-apple tree. They will be good memories after she is gone. She had a good day! Though she slept a lot today and didn't eat lunch, she had a big breakfast and ate two helpings of everything at dinner (white bass, mac and cheese and mashed potatoes.)

She rode in her nightgown, bathrobe and baseball hat, LOL! She said it's a good thing being here you don't have to get dressed to go out. :)

It was a beautiful Easter. Thank you God!

JanM
Apr. 9, 2012, 07:33 AM
Has the sister taken over her care for any other time periods? Because I'm suspicious that this might not be the first incident of her pulling stunts. And if she has been alone there before I wonder if any paperwork like updated wills were filed from any of those visits?


I'm so glad the three of you had such a wonderful time for Easter, and that there is still joy and happiness for the three of you.

Chardavej
Apr. 9, 2012, 09:26 AM
Has the sister taken over her care for any other time periods? Because I'm suspicious that this might not be the first incident of her pulling stunts. And if she has been alone there before I wonder if any paperwork like updated wills were filed from any of those visits?


I'm so glad the three of you had such a wonderful time for Easter, and that there is still joy and happiness for the three of you.

Unfortunately yes she has come for a day visit here and there. When mom was in a better state of mind. I hope that mom didn't let her do anything. Hubby seems to think that sister wont pull anything like that, and mom always said you can trust sister.

Hubby thinks that she is doing this to spite him, she is "taking care of mom" according to what she think is what mom wanted in 2003 when she made the POA to list sister to take over when she is no longer competent to care for herself. Mom has TERRIBLE short term memory! She remembers some things and other not so much, she is getting a little better, but we have to keep reassuring her everything is OK. She woke up again upset wanting to call her sister.

Her sister hates hubby, for what no one has any idea, hubby is the kindest, quietest person you will ever meet. Everyone who meets him is his new best friend, and he's the go to person when someone needs help.

She says that son doesn't take good care of her (good Lord he waits on her hand and foot, is so patient and caring for her, she loves him to pieces and he loves her more than anything in this world!) but I don't believe she believes that, I think she tells that to son to hurt him. Otherwise she wouldn't let him care for her. I think....

JanM
Apr. 9, 2012, 11:51 AM
DH needs to wake up and smell the coffee about Auntie Dearest. She already tried to have her sister declared incompetent, probably was trying to get her in the cheapest, nastiest nursing home around, and stole many thousands from her that you'll probably never see again. The sister is only in it for herself, and will say and do anything to get everything. And she doesn't care about you MIL or she wouldn't have done what she did to her, and will do again if she's not stopped.