View Full Version : It's been a year...
Apr. 8, 2012, 12:34 AM
Alright. It's been a year since my Fiance left me. Obviously I am no longer writhing in pain, however, the pain is still there, immensely. It feels like a numbness- like your leg has fallen asleep- from both A. not using it, and B. cutting off the circulation. Nearly every night I dream about him, like REAL dreams- you know, the ones you wake up and feel like actually happened. Every little thing reminds me of him. Songs, movies, tv shows, other couples. I still love him the same as I did when he left me.
Honestly, I have done everything that you are supposed to do when you move on. I don't talk to him, I don't facebook creep him and I don't have problems seeing other people. I go to work, do my job well, and I hang out with friends and have hobbies outside of work. I go on dates with other guys that are fun and interesting. However, I can never seem to feel anything for the nice gentlemen that I do go out with. Everything is there, except the spark.
Am I doing something wrong? I don't ever expect to rekindle this relationship (although I would jump at the chance if I could), and I would like to continue on with my life. I am so tired of this.
Apr. 8, 2012, 12:38 AM
Be kind to yourself. How long were you with him? I think you should give yourself more time, especially if it was a long relationship. And because you were engaged, you are probably also mourning a future that will never be. It sounds like you are doing everything right except being patient.
Apr. 8, 2012, 12:40 AM
i was with him for three years. More time? I wasn't sure how much time this would take- I was under the impression a year would be fine. Mourning a future that will never be is EXACTLY it. I miss it. I miss him. I want to be done with this. :(
Apr. 8, 2012, 12:42 AM
It takes time and you have to put things into your life to fill the void, not necessarily another human being or a pet, in a manner of speaking. If you don't, there is just going to be a hole there.
Apr. 8, 2012, 12:48 AM
My ex-fiance walked out three weeks before our wedding, after we'd been together for seven years. OK fine, I get it, you're not happy, better to decide it before we're married than after and miserable. I was actually pretty OK and got along just fine by myself. Never asked mutual friends about him, didn't stalk him or try to find out where he was or what he was doing. And then a close friend of mine had a 40th birthday party for her husband, exactly two years after we had broken up. And guess who decided to show up, after he had specifically told my friend he couldn't make it (and she then invited me because she knew he wouldn't be there and the coast would be clear)? Yup, ex-fiance. With a wife and a 10 month old baby. I can do math - broken up for 24 months and I know how long pregnancies last - gee, that was fast!! I managed to avoid him the entire night but it immediately sent me into a funk that lasted probably a year. I basically felt like a worthless piece of sh*t and it was way worse than the actual breakup. I think it had to do with the fact that I "wasn't good enough for him" and he was the one who left but ended up the one with the "happy family" while I was still alone. Having plenty of friends and family around to keep me busy and showing me that I actually was worth something (even though I don't think they've ever realized how bad I felt about myself, I certainly never told them) was what eventually pulled me out of it. It takes a while, and I'm still single but I honestly am much happier without him than I ever would have been with him, so it is possible to get through it. It's a lot of effort but it sounds like you're on the right path. :)
Apr. 8, 2012, 03:55 PM
What you really need to do is get mad, or find flaws in this person, and your past relationship. Even if he was a wonderful person, etc, it is not healthy to continue to pine for "the one that got away". At least for me, that is how I have to handle it, is to start nitpicking at all the faults that I overlooked when I was "in love".
Going through that right now with an impending divorce after being with this person for 25 years total (18 years married). And he wonders why we can't be friends. Because it is too heartbreaking to be friends, at least for me.
And you need to love yourself more.
Apr. 8, 2012, 04:03 PM
I asked a professional this a couple of weeks ago. For me, it's going on two years. Nope. Not doing anything wrong. Sometimes things just take time. Give yourself permission to embrace the pain. It will get easier.
Apr. 8, 2012, 04:15 PM
DeucesWild11, try forgiving your ex.
I've been divorced for 5 years. I left him after his temper tantrums became physical to my son. I couldn't get him out of my mind for anything. I was angry about what happened and what I had to give up to get out. A friend suggested I work on forgiving him. WHAT? Why should I forgive HIM? He did US wrong! But forgiveness isn't for them. It's for YOU.
I started by doing my usual bitch about him, then amending it with "but I forgive him." It took some time, bu it worked. The anger melted away. I rarely think of him now. I did FB-stalk him the other day and saw he's got a new sucker, I mean, woman in his life. My first thought was, "Good for him!" then, "she looks like me" :yes: but I felt no jealousy or anger toward him for moving on.
I'm still working on forgiving him for coming out smelling like a rose financially while I'm still trying to dig out of the hole. But "I forgive him, I forgive him."
Apr. 8, 2012, 04:19 PM
i agree that you need more time and yoy need to love yourself more. find a few flaws in him. do things youve always wanted, especially things you love that he didnt. im not saying hate him or be spiteful, just that no one and no thing is perfect and you cant keep him and your future together up on a pedestal. YOU are the only one who can make you happy, not him.
its been almost 2 years since i broke up with my ex. we were together for five years. we met when i was 17 and he was 28 and we were really in love. sometimes i think i was more in love than he was, but i think it really was that he was a poor communicator and ... was different, emotionally. now, i think we never should have gotten together, but we did and i do still love the good part of him. he was a huge influence in my life and opened my eyes to a lot of things. we made great art together, had great trips, had perfect best friend chemistry. he was a genuinely good person. i got pregnant and was afraid to tell him and when i did he cried with excitement. i was happy but also scared and a weepy mess for a few weeks but he was elated and so suportive. i miscarried the beginning of my 13th week and that was really when it started to get bad. we'd had rough spots before, but after miscarrying i was so destroyed. i cried for a week straight and got depressed and he was sad too but didnt ever want to talk about it. i felt like a huge failure and never had the chance to discuss it with him.
that was the end of april. i left him the day after thxgiving. we had grown so apart. we were both depressed in our own ways but he did nothing for it. i still loved him, but i couldnt live with him anymore. it was a grpund shattering breakup, really. but for the best.
so its been all this time and i still think about him every day. i still have dreams about him and talk to him in my head. my heart still aches a little bit when i think about our best times, our best moments when we were so in love you could practically see it in the air between us. but, it wasnt right. for some reason i was able to have those experiences and now im moving on.
now i do things for myself; i have started running, which i did briefly when i was with him but he was unsupportive. i adopted an adorable catahoula mix dog, and bought a horse. in my five years with him, i only did horses for the first year. he believed owning and riding horses was cruel, abusive , and robbing a beautiful animal of its free will. psht.
but really, live your life for yourself! im not ready for another relationship because i am not secure with myself enough yet, but im actively working on it. live for you, do things for you, and get to know yourself more. everything else will fall into place.
and yeah, it takes time.
Apr. 8, 2012, 04:24 PM
I just came out of something like this too and it has taken a year. Like someone said, you're not only mourning the loss of him but the loss of the future you thought you would have. For me, once I realized that I was going to have to paint a new picture for myself that's when I got over it. I started getting excited for the future I am going to make for myself. I am focusing on me and doing the stuff I love to do. I am spending more time with my horse and am so excited for her future, even if she did bite me today (crazy yearling). I am looking forward to seeing what the future holds and even though being alone is difficult I know I am going to be okay which in turn has let me see all the reasons he doesn't deserve me and we wouldn't have worked out anyway. Try your best to love yourself. Set some goals that you can work towards. You'll be so satisfied with yourself when you reach them. I volunteer with Hospice which gives me a perspective that is unlike nothing else. Remember, you make your future. You determine your destiny. You're better off without him. One day you will find someone that loves you more than anything. You meet that person doing the things you love to do. It takes time, it will eventually get better. Try your best to love yourself.
Apr. 8, 2012, 04:28 PM
One thing I read that has made a big difference to me was that "You can choose to be happy". When things start feeling rough, I repeat that to myself, and believe it or not, it does seem to help.
Apr. 9, 2012, 04:15 PM
It sounds dumb and I dont know how old you are but.....
You will wake up one day and just not care.
I had my heart broken once, granted I was young ( 19-20ish). I was non-functional for months. Put on meds and talked to a therapist, cried and slept. It was much more difficult for me as I worked with him and after we broke up he immediatly started seeing another co-worker. Seeing them together every single day was the hardest part.
It took a loonnnggggg time and I cant explain it but I woke up one day and just didnt care. It just happened. It will happen for you too!
We also got back together and ended up leaving him. And am so thankful I did :) You will realize it was for the best !!
Apr. 9, 2012, 04:26 PM
Two years. For me, after a true once in a lifetime heartbreak it was two years before it did not seem so immediate. Then about another year for it to be 98% over it.
Apr. 9, 2012, 04:38 PM
I'm into month 15, although we spent December together ... reconnecting and starting to talk about the future again. So twice in less than a year and a half. Finally started seeing a counselor and I hope that's helping. spring is keeping me busy, but it feels fake. I understand the sentiments written above... and I SO appreciate reading them. But when 1 person leaves and NOTHING is wrong with your relationship and you still think of the guy as your husband and best friend... it's hard to quiet the demon brain hamsters. Better off without him? Hard to think that's possible. Hugs to the OP. Hopefully we both get through this.