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View Full Version : Etiquette for bridal shower/wedding gift giving?



huntereq1991
Apr. 7, 2012, 10:58 PM
Just like the title says....

Trakehner
Apr. 7, 2012, 11:05 PM
Gift within your budget

Don't get drunk and embarrass yourself or your SO/date

Send in your RSVP

Do not demand your fiance comes...we really hate demands we attend, and it's a chick thing anyway.

Don't regift.

Carrera
Apr. 7, 2012, 11:08 PM
I was told that it depends on a lot of things, open or cash bar? Single or couple?

I spent $65 for a shower gift planing on $200 for wedding. But less if it's a cash bar.

huntereq1991
Apr. 7, 2012, 11:15 PM
Forgot to add- single and no mention of a cash bar....

Carrera
Apr. 7, 2012, 11:25 PM
I forgot to out the $200 figure is for a couple

Tapperjockey
Apr. 7, 2012, 11:43 PM
Give what you feel comfortable with. There is no right or wrong. I know in some areas, they suggest "covering your plate".. but imo that's dumb. 1. Because the couple should not expect to recoup the expense of the wedding via the gifts. 2. Because how the hell do you know that? It's pretty rude to say "hey, Sarah.. how much per person is your wedding costing?".

Slewdledo
Apr. 8, 2012, 02:08 AM
One of my FB friends (she bought a horse from us)is apparently getting married in a few weeks. She just posted the following the other day:

We are registered at XXX under fiance's name!

What should we register for for our wedding gifts?

Last chance to RSVP for my wedding!

She is not one of my favorite people in the world, based on what happened after she bought the horse. I checked out her registry. They registered for a $500+ Ipad.

Etiquette for brides-to-be? Just don't do that.

Alagirl
Apr. 8, 2012, 02:40 AM
hey, they can register for the Taj Mahal.
Maybe somebody loves them enough to buy it for them.

My Mom and I had this discussion a coupe of years ago when my cousin got married.
"I can't give as much as your Dad"
so what. We give what we can.
So we bought a bottle of the good local champagne, tied a funny card on it and put some money in it. Our combined gift. (BTW, she already had a fully stocked household)
It was generous for our means but did not cause us to have to result to eating Ramen for a month.

Also, I don't think there needs to be shower and wedding present. I am sure Ms Manners disagrees. But to me it's the one event (and aren't showers supposed to be so you don't have to do the present thing on the wedding day, as guest. Or for those who can't attend but like to give?) I only have money for one, not both.

Blugal
Apr. 8, 2012, 03:12 AM
I've decided to do whatever I want, because all those "miss manners" things are so outdated.

The best weddings I've attended have been run by people with the same philosophy.

The worst, was being asked to be a bridesmaid to a "simple beach wedding without fancy clothes or accommodations" which turned into a full-blown botanical gardens/hall wedding, expensive dress, flight, time off work, helping decorate & clean up, etc. That wedding cost me about $1,500 and they were divorced within 2 years.

That wedding was my turning point on what I was comfortable with for other people's occasions. Now, I decide if I want to attend or not - if I go and it costs me $100 or more to attend, no gift. Last time I checked, "presence is better than presents."

I figure I have about 5 more years until I can hold a "I'm fabulously single & child-free, I deserve a shower and some gifts, don't you think" occasion. :winkgrin:

Tapperjockey
Apr. 8, 2012, 03:46 AM
hey, they can register for the Taj Mahal.
Maybe somebody loves them enough to buy it for them.

My Mom and I had this discussion a coupe of years ago when my cousin got married.
"I can't give as much as your Dad"
so what. We give what we can.
So we bought a bottle of the good local champagne, tied a funny card on it and put some money in it. Our combined gift. (BTW, she already had a fully stocked household)
It was generous for our means but did not cause us to have to result to eating Ramen for a month.

Also, I don't think there needs to be shower and wedding present. I am sure Ms Manners disagrees. But to me it's the one event (and aren't showers supposed to be so you don't have to do the present thing on the wedding day, as guest. Or for those who can't attend but like to give?) I only have money for one, not both.

That's a great way to do it.

Blugal, I don't think it's ever not tacky to host a gift giving event for yourself. No matter how child-free, single and fabulous you are lol. If someone chooses to host an event in your honor, you can accept of course, but it's not very polite to host an event so people can give your presents. While the bounds of convention have stretched, and now family members occasionally host (that used to be a huge faux paux), I don't think they've stretched that much.

seabreeze
Apr. 8, 2012, 06:09 AM
Always RSVP...yes or no will do. You don't have to provide any details about why you are unable to attend.

If you were invited, purchase a gift whether you attend or not.

BlueEyedSorrel
Apr. 8, 2012, 08:31 AM
Always RSVP...yes or no will do. You don't have to provide any details about why you are unable to attend.

If you were invited, purchase a gift whether you attend or not.

But what to do if the bride ISN'T registered anywhere? I just got invited to a college friend's wedding (which I won't be attending because it's the same weekend as my Missouri to Ohio move). Said friend is also relocating shortly after the wedding (we're both in grad school), and so has decided not to register anywhere and requests "no boxed gifts" on the invitation.

:confused::confused::confused::confused:

Does this mean cash? Gift card? Send a nice vase or bowl after they move? I always thought cash was considered tacky...

BES

Alagirl
Apr. 8, 2012, 10:32 AM
Cash is easy to carry.

I don't think it's tacky. Just sometimes it's more practical than stuff.

Blugal
Apr. 8, 2012, 12:13 PM
Blugal, I don't think it's ever not tacky to host a gift giving event for yourself. No matter how child-free, single and fabulous you are lol. If someone chooses to host an event in your honor, you can accept of course, but it's not very polite to host an event so people can give your presents. While the bounds of convention have stretched, and now family members occasionally host (that used to be a huge faux paux), I don't think they've stretched that much.

Oh, I was joking. (I was taking a page out of Carrie Bradshaw's book... how single people are expected to attend bridal showers, weddings, baby showers, and then baby birthday parties and give gifts for all of these... and yet there is no "you are awesome" party for those single people. Don't even try to tell me their birthdays count. Those fall under the "tacky to host your own event after you turn 16.")

But... I do believe for many young people out there, weddings are seen as occasions where you host your own event so people can give you presents.

Tapperjockey
Apr. 8, 2012, 02:05 PM
Oh, I was joking. (I was taking a page out of Carrie Bradshaw's book... how single people are expected to attend bridal showers, weddings, baby showers, and then baby birthday parties and give gifts for all of these... and yet there is no "you are awesome" party for those single people. Don't even try to tell me their birthdays count. Those fall under the "tacky to host your own event after you turn 16.")

But... I do believe for many young people out there, weddings are seen as occasions where you host your own event so people can give you presents.

I haven't been to a wedding yet that has been hosted by the couple, it certainly would give me pause. I haven't read any books by Carrie Bradshaw, so no idea what she would say about anything. I do agree that it is not fair that there is no "you are awesome" party for single people, but I can't figure out how/when would be appropriate at all.

Chief2
Apr. 8, 2012, 02:06 PM
We were married in the day when there wasn't a gift registry. Usually the bride's mother had a list of things she was hoping to get, and relatives called in to get some ideas for a gift. Or they gave checks, cash or savings bonds.

I actually like registries. It tells me if there is anything I can afford to get for a gift and allows me to shop from home, have it shipped, and I'm done. And, if it is too outrageous, it tips me off not to go to the wedding in the first place. I don't go to bridal showers. If you're a close friend or relative, then I would say one shower and the wedding would be sufficient to purchase gifts for.

Tapperjockey
Apr. 8, 2012, 02:07 PM
Does this mean cash? Gift card? Send a nice vase or bowl after they move? I always thought cash was considered tacky...

BES

Cash isn't tacky. Telling someone giving you a gift what to give you is, but that is neither here nor there and this was their way of saying "we want moola" it sounds like. I can't believe she had the balls to write "no boxed gifts" on an invitation. Wow. In that situation, I would get her no boxed gift, and nothing else.

Blugal
Apr. 8, 2012, 02:24 PM
It is not about the etiquette of gift registries, how much $$ for the gift or whether it's cash etc. etc. I'm protesting the expectations of some people.

I feel that gifts should not be expected, and it is my choice whether to give or not. Invitations should be about wanting to have that person's attendance - they should not have some underlying expectation of a gift. (True, when I accept the invitation I should not whine about what it cost me.)

And no, I do not expect my married friends with kids to host a party for me and give me gifts. I really was joking about that.

Tapperjockey
Apr. 8, 2012, 02:34 PM
It is not about the etiquette of gift registries, how much $$ for the gift or whether it's cash etc. etc. I'm protesting the expectations of some people.

I feel that gifts should not be expected, and it is my choice whether to give or not. Invitations should be about wanting to have that person's attendance - they should not have some underlying expectation of a gift. (True, when I accept the invitation I should not whine about what it cost me.)

And no, I do not expect my married friends with kids to host a party for me and give me gifts. I really was joking about that.

I do agree with you there, mostly. Obviously if you accept an invitation to a shower (which is an event based on gift giving) then it is appropriate to bring a gift, but I don't think one is required for just about any other reason. And I abhor gift registries personally. If you are inviting someone to share a life changing event with you (wedding, birth of a child), surely you know them well enough that they know what you'd like, or know someone else close to you (mother, sister, mil) that they can call and ask for ideas if stumped.

BuddyRoo
Apr. 8, 2012, 02:42 PM
Got married last September. Now husband and I both had our own homes, were pretty well established older-ish people (me 33, him 41) and I kind of thought it would be tacky to register for gifts because we don't really NEED anything. I just wanted to have my favorite people there! That was gift enough!

BIG MISTAKE. It resulted in lots of phone calls and emails asking us what we wanted because by golly, they were going to buy us something. I think that generally, people fully expect to give a gift even at the 10 or 20 dollar level and they want ideas because they want to make sure they get you something you want/will like.

As for expectations of the bride at a shower or something? I guess it depends on the person. I actually paid for a dear friend's travel expenses to get her up for the shindig. I didn't want or need anything other than her presence--no presents. I felt very blessed by the gifts I did receive, but I didn't expect any or really want any to be honest.

Bottom line for me was that since so many (okay, all but maybe 4) of my guests were coming from out of state, some from the opposite ends of the country, I just wanted them there, I didn't want a gift. Their gift was showing up and supporting me on my happy day.

As I reread my post now, I'm realizing that I'm probably no help on this matter, am I? LOL

Tapperjockey
Apr. 8, 2012, 02:48 PM
Got married last September. Now husband and I both had our own homes, were pretty well established older-ish people (me 33, him 41) and I kind of thought it would be tacky to register for gifts because we don't really NEED anything. I just wanted to have my favorite people there! That was gift enough!

BIG MISTAKE. It resulted in lots of phone calls and emails asking us what we wanted because by golly, they were going to buy us something. I think that generally, people fully expect to give a gift even at the 10 or 20 dollar level and they want ideas because they want to make sure they get you something you want/will like.

As for expectations of the bride at a shower or something? I guess it depends on the person. I actually paid for a dear friend's travel expenses to get her up for the shindig. I didn't want or need anything other than her presence--no presents. I felt very blessed by the gifts I did receive, but I didn't expect any or really want any to be honest.

Bottom line for me was that since so many (okay, all but maybe 4) of my guests were coming from out of state, some from the opposite ends of the country, I just wanted them there, I didn't want a gift. Their gift was showing up and supporting me on my happy day.

As I reread my post now, I'm realizing that I'm probably no help on this matter, am I? LOL

No, because it seems that you remembered the purpose of the event, and didn't treat it as a gift grab like so many do now :)

Blugal
Apr. 8, 2012, 02:51 PM
BuddyRoo,
Friends of mine obviously saw a situation like yours forming, so their wedding invites had a (nauseating) little poem that said: please come, we aren't expecting gifts. At the bottom it also had a little note for "if you really want to give us something" and their gift registry. I assumed this was for family!

BuddyRoo
Apr. 8, 2012, 02:59 PM
I haven't been to a wedding yet that has been hosted by the couple, it certainly would give me pause.

Really?

Maybe it's an age thing?

We paid for/hosted our wedding, our rehearsal dinner, etc. I'm not close to my father and my mother was in no position to help pay for a wedding and for my now husband, it was wedding #2 and given our age, it seemed silly for us to even *hope* for help.

Though I will say that my DH's folks were awesome in that they let us have the wedding at their farm. I think they were pretty tickled that I asked for that. I love that place and have so many happy memories of being out there. It we just PERFECT and that was such a nice gift from them.

Oh crap, now I feel like blowing some time and looking at wedding photos. LOL Most awesome day ever. I most of my friends and family there, great food, great music, a bonfire after. I had always hoped that my wedding would be one of those where everyone had a blast--a great party--not just something they felt obligated to be at and suffered through.

Anyway, if any bridezilla freaks because of lack of a gift or thinks that a gift at X isn't enough? She's missing the point. And hopefully, she'll get over it.

The point is to be supported by your friends and family on a special day. Not to win the house hold goods lottery.

Buy your own towels. Having people stand up for you and support your choice is way more important.

BuddyRoo
Apr. 8, 2012, 03:00 PM
BuddyRoo,
Friends of mine obviously saw a situation like yours forming, so their wedding invites had a (nauseating) little poem that said: please come, we aren't expecting gifts. At the bottom it also had a little note for "if you really want to give us something" and their gift registry. I assumed this was for family!

I see that as kind of tacky too...but it's a tough spot to be in I guess.

I think that I would've left it at "your presence is gift enough, please join us!"

But I can guarantee, they still would've gotten calls asking for what they wanted.

Alagirl
Apr. 8, 2012, 03:14 PM
Cash isn't tacky. Telling someone giving you a gift what to give you is, but that is neither here nor there and this was their way of saying "we want moola" it sounds like. I can't believe she had the balls to write "no boxed gifts" on an invitation. Wow. In that situation, I would get her no boxed gift, and nothing else.


Well, as described, the couple is in for a big move, so asking for gifts would be cumbersome. Yes, have it seen, BIL's first marriage, they got lots of stuff and were not yet settled into a place of their own, MIL's guestroom looked like a warehouse for months!
(then again, the couple could postpone the wedding til after the move...)

RE. Wedding gifts though:
In the past it was assumed that the bride had little more than her linens and such, the Groom mostly nothing, so the wedding was also an occasion to give the couple the stuff to start off their household.

These days most couples already have a full house of junk.

Tapperjockey
Apr. 8, 2012, 03:17 PM
Really?

Maybe it's an age thing?

We paid for/hosted our wedding, our rehearsal dinner, etc. I'm not close to my father and my mother was in no position to help pay for a wedding and for my now husband, it was wedding #2 and given our age, it seemed silly for us to even *hope* for help.

Though I will say that my DH's folks were awesome in that they let us have the wedding at their farm. I think they were pretty tickled that I asked for that. I love that place and have so many happy memories of being out there. It we just PERFECT and that was such a nice gift from them.

Oh crap, now I feel like blowing some time and looking at wedding photos. LOL Most awesome day ever. I most of my friends and family there, great food, great music, a bonfire after. I had always hoped that my wedding would be one of those where everyone had a blast--a great party--not just something they felt obligated to be at and suffered through.

Anyway, if any bridezilla freaks because of lack of a gift or thinks that a gift at X isn't enough? She's missing the point. And hopefully, she'll get over it.

The point is to be supported by your friends and family on a special day. Not to win the house hold goods lottery.

Buy your own towels. Having people stand up for you and support your choice is way more important.

Could be an age thing. Most weddings I've been to have been hosted by the parents. I just turned 31 (I keep saying/typing 30.. and I'm not anymore .. ack). I have been to A LOT of weddings the last 6 years or so. The majority of my friends in my age group are married now and most of the family in my generation is. I don't know the finances involved in any of that though. Perhaps the couple paid for most themselves, but the parent's names were hosts in name only. I'm not curious enough to ask lol.

BuddyRoo
Apr. 8, 2012, 03:30 PM
Could be an age thing. Most weddings I've been to have been hosted by the parents. I just turned 31 (I keep saying/typing 30.. and I'm not anymore .. ack). I have been to A LOT of weddings the last 6 years or so. The majority of my friends in my age group are married now and most of the family in my generation is. I don't know the finances involved in any of that though. Perhaps the couple paid for most themselves, but the parent's names were hosts in name only. I'm not curious enough to ask lol.


Most of my friends were getting married right out of college. And most divorced and remarried before I ever did it for the first time. Maybe it's a regional thing. It never occurred to me really. (as far as who was paying for it)

I still go to several weddings per year, but most are being paid for by the bride and groom.

Tapperjockey
Apr. 8, 2012, 03:42 PM
Most of my friends were getting married right out of college. And most divorced and remarried before I ever did it for the first time. Maybe it's a regional thing. It never occurred to me really. (as far as who was paying for it)

I still go to several weddings per year, but most are being paid for by the bride and groom.

That could be. I think, at our reunion a few years ago, out of 80 students that came to the reunion (class of 99 people). 5 of us were single. of those 5, 3 have since married. I don't think there have been any divorces yet (at least none mentioned on our fb page). Almost everyone stayed within 50 miles of the town too. My best friend from HS went to New Orleans, I moved 1200 miles away and two guys moved out East (one to NYC where he is a lawyer), and one guy is in the Marines. (You have to love small towns lol). The lawyer is the other unmarried person right now. There are 19 I don't know anything about though that didn't attend the reunion, and aren't fb fans of the page, etc.

vxf111
Apr. 8, 2012, 04:50 PM
But what to do if the bride ISN'T registered anywhere? I just got invited to a college friend's wedding (which I won't be attending because it's the same weekend as my Missouri to Ohio move). Said friend is also relocating shortly after the wedding (we're both in grad school), and so has decided not to register anywhere and requests "no boxed gifts" on the invitation.

:confused::confused::confused::confused:

Does this mean cash? Gift card? Send a nice vase or bowl after they move? I always thought cash was considered tacky...

BES

UGH, "no boxed gifts" unless followed by the sentence "we request you donate to charity $X if you would like to make a gift to celebrate our union" is TACKY TACKY TACKY. I'd buy some sh*tastic household doohickey, take it out of the box, wrap it in a plastic grocery bag and send it along.

NO BOXED GIFTS?!

These stories get worse and worse every OT day!

jrzeqrider
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:49 PM
Does this mean cash? Gift card? Send a nice vase or bowl after they move? I always thought cash was considered tacky...

BES

I think asking for cash is tacky, but giving it isn't.

One of my good friends is getting married in June, I'm planning on a boxed gift for the shower and cash for the wedding. I think they're doing the honeymoon registry thing too, so I might give money online specifically towards the honeymoon instead of just writing a check or putting cash in a card.

Tackpud
Apr. 8, 2012, 10:16 PM
Got married last September. Now husband and I both had our own homes, were pretty well established older-ish people (me 33, him 41) and I kind of thought it would be tacky to register for gifts because we don't really NEED anything. I just wanted to have my favorite people there! That was gift enough!

BIG MISTAKE. It resulted in lots of phone calls and emails asking us what we wanted because by golly, they were going to buy us something. I think that generally, people fully expect to give a gift even at the 10 or 20 dollar level and they want ideas because they want to make sure they get you something you want/will like.

As for expectations of the bride at a shower or something? I guess it depends on the person. I actually paid for a dear friend's travel expenses to get her up for the shindig. I didn't want or need anything other than her presence--no presents. I felt very blessed by the gifts I did receive, but I didn't expect any or really want any to be honest.

Bottom line for me was that since so many (okay, all but maybe 4) of my guests were coming from out of state, some from the opposite ends of the country, I just wanted them there, I didn't want a gift. Their gift was showing up and supporting me on my happy day.

As I reread my post now, I'm realizing that I'm probably no help on this matter, am I? LOL

I'm getting married in May and we are in the same boat. We are paying for the wedding and, honestly, we just want to enjoy the day with our friends and family. Our house is full enough already. We're an older couple and are capable of buying anything we might need in the future. This is causing a real issue with my mother - her friends are from the age of giving. I certainly understand their etiquette and appreciate their wanting to send something, but our house is small and we just can't fit anything else in it! I'd really rather they just come and celebrate with us or think of us on that day if they can't make it to the wedding.

I finally suggested to my mother that gift cards to Tractor Supply or Southern States would be good...

Tapperjockey
Apr. 8, 2012, 10:55 PM
Another thing I miss.. is the date of the thank you card. Apparently that has fallen by the wayside. I attended one baby shower, where not only was I asked to write my address and name on an envelope, I was asked to put a stamp on it. I have no idea why I should put my name, envelope and stamp on it.. they obviously have my address.. they sent me an invite! And when I received the TY card.. It was a rubber stamp they'd made of the woman's signature. No personal greeting or thanks or anything. But hey, at least I got one.

LovelyBay
Apr. 8, 2012, 11:18 PM
Another thing I miss.. is the date of the thank you card. Apparently that has fallen by the wayside. I attended one baby shower, where not only was I asked to write my address and name on an envelope, I was asked to put a stamp on it. I have no idea why I should put my name, envelope and stamp on it.. they obviously have my address.. they sent me an invite! And when I received the TY card.. It was a rubber stamp they'd made of the woman's signature. No personal greeting or thanks or anything. But hey, at least I got one.

What?! That's horrible! I think it's incredibly rude too!

I rarely get thank you cards for gifts that I send out, and then I never send a gift to them again.... I hated writing them as a child, but now I realize how important they are. Even the 6 year old at the barn drew/wrote me a card after I gave her a present.

ohrebecca
Apr. 8, 2012, 11:29 PM
BuddyRoo,
Friends of mine obviously saw a situation like yours forming, so their wedding invites had a (nauseating) little poem that said: please come, we aren't expecting gifts. At the bottom it also had a little note for "if you really want to give us something" and their gift registry. I assumed this was for family!

I know someone who sent out a pretty detailed gift wishlist - for their one year old's birthday party. My reaction? NO. I am happy to buy gifts for my friends' and family member's children, and I'm happy to go to their special days, but... it's a one year old. With no real desires or wants. A list might have been appropriate for the grandmas/grandpas of the child, but NOT the general populace.

Tapperjockey - I'm actually excited to personally write out thank-you cards after my baby shower :) I've always liked doing that!

Tapperjockey
Apr. 8, 2012, 11:34 PM
I know someone who sent out a pretty detailed gift wishlist - for their one year old's birthday party. My reaction? NO. I am happy to buy gifts for my friends' and family member's children, and I'm happy to go to their special days, but... it's a one year old. With no real desires or wants. A list might have been appropriate for the grandmas/grandpas of the child, but NOT the general populace.

Tapperjockey - I'm actually excited to personally write out thank-you cards after my baby shower :) I've always liked doing that!

YAY. And remember to teach the baby too! Maybe we can keep this alive!! lol

supershorty628
Apr. 8, 2012, 11:52 PM
This is slightly off-topic, but... I'm getting married next May (right after SO and I graduate) and am trying to keep the wedding as low-key as possible. I would honestly be happiest if people just wanted to celebrate this special day with us - I don't want it to be about gifts or anything like that... I just want to marry the man I love :). That said, people have already started asking the two of us what we would like for gifts! Is it bad to request no gifts? I'm not well versed in wedding etiquette at all...

Slewdledo
Apr. 8, 2012, 11:56 PM
Couldn't you ask them to donate to your preferred charities? his favorite and yours?

if I ever get married (ha! like that'll happen!) that's what my request will be. I hate "stuff." Most people close to me, who are likely to be invited, know that.

ohrebecca
Apr. 9, 2012, 12:40 AM
YAY. And remember to teach the baby too! Maybe we can keep this alive!! lol

I plan on it! My mom and grandma always stressed the importance of writing thank-you cards and letters, and I will be sure to instill it in the wee one, too!

Tapperjockey
Apr. 9, 2012, 02:54 AM
Couldn't you ask them to donate to your preferred charities? his favorite and yours?

if I ever get married (ha! like that'll happen!) that's what my request will be. I hate "stuff." Most people close to me, who are likely to be invited, know that.

Oh I hate that. I really do. Mainly because charitable giving is so personal. What if the only two charities they choose are ones that the guests are opposed to.. Like PETA maybe. I wouldn't donate to PETA if I was on fire and they were the only ones with water. Plus, who gets the deduction then? The giver, so really it's not a gift. I'd much rather give someone cash and then they can use it however they see fit.

bumknees
Apr. 9, 2012, 07:07 AM
Dh and I solved the gift problem.. We went down town and stood infront of a judge. It was just the two of us the Judge and his sec.

As he was on leave the judge waived the iirc 5day waiting period normally reqired by law. While wedding cost 25$ and that included the bus fair for the both of us round trip...

No fuss no muss... No gifts to worry about no regestries to worry about...And above all not people meddeling into the plans that they think the thing should be like...

kris578
Apr. 9, 2012, 09:20 AM
after several years of multiple weddings, showers, bridemaid dress hell, DH and I eloped . . . Family got over it it (it did help we didn't return home for a week after we told them), just wanted us to be happy. Mom did throw a small "welcome home party" when we got back (thankfully sister called me with a heads up).

My philosphy now when I attend weddings, showers, or parties . .is to buy something meaningful to the person. Something you think they'd enjoy .. there is no reason to "cover your plate" or adhere to Miss Manners quota.

One thing I did learn was that often the couple will get a discount on anything from their registry after the wedding that was not purchased . .so that Ipad or washer/dryer may be on there for other reasons.

AliCat518
Apr. 9, 2012, 09:27 AM
Just recently went to a wedding out of state. Cost us about $1000 including travel, hotel etc, so bride sent an email saying that in NO WAY did she expect wedding gifts from us. She considered the trip and our presence our gift.

I still ordered a small, cheap gift from her registry. I think it came to about $50 total. But I really appreciated her considering our travelling down there. We are all recent grads, with decent, but not high paying jobs.

I also just had it sent to her house, and it arrived there about a week after the wedding, which I was told it totally fine.

Alagirl
Apr. 9, 2012, 09:50 AM
My philosphy now when I attend weddings, showers, or parties . .is to buy something meaningful to the person. Something you think they'd enjoy .. there is no reason to "cover your plate" or adhere to Miss Manners quota.




reminds me of another cousin getting married...we had them a plaque made with the wedding date on it and I gave them a set of hand embroidered napkins.

HydroPHILE
Apr. 9, 2012, 10:16 AM
Said friend is also relocating shortly after the wedding (we're both in grad school), and so has decided not to register anywhere and requests "no boxed gifts" on the invitation.

I can kind of understand this. On the other hand, it seems borderline tacky because they're expecting a gift and in passing it sounds like "we want money."

Proper etiquette is vastly different from what people actually do. For example, it is considered poor etiquette to include places where the couple is registered. Apparently, their presence at your wedding and reception is supposed to be a gift.

Thank You notes for our shower (or any gift) went out that weekend or the following week. Thank You notes for our wedding went out the week we returned from our honeymoon. My mother raised me to write Thank You notes for a variety of things :)

BlueEyedSorrel
Apr. 9, 2012, 10:36 AM
I was the one who semi-derailed this thread into a discussion of the etiquette of "no boxed gifts." :) A little more background info.....This is a friend from college who I have been in facebook/email/phone contact with for a long time, but only see maybe once a year (around xmas or thanksgiving) due to living in cities 6 hours apart.

To be honest, the wedding caught me off-guard, mainly because a year ago she was seriously dating a different guy (like talking marriage serious). Then after sorta disappearing off the face of the earth for several months, all of a sudden her facebook status changes to "engaged" and it's not to the guy she was with before (I didn't even know she broke up with guy #1!). Then she emails me to ask for my current address, and I'm assuming she's sending save the date cards, but it turns out she's sending invitations....for a late May wedding, only 3 months after the engagement. I have not met the guy and he could be the nicest guy in the world, but I worry she's rushing things. She was never the impulsive type, so I'm left going huh?:confused:

I understand the motive behind "no boxed gifts". I'm in the process of moving too, and am brutally purging my place of unnecessary crap. I just wondered what the heck it means in terms of a gift....cuz if she were registered somewhere, I would send a gift even though I can't attend the wedding. I'm starting to think that the new etiquette is anything goes....

BES

sketcher
Apr. 9, 2012, 11:48 AM
This is slightly off-topic, but... I'm getting married next May (right after SO and I graduate) and am trying to keep the wedding as low-key as possible. I would honestly be happiest if people just wanted to celebrate this special day with us - I don't want it to be about gifts or anything like that... I just want to marry the man I love :). That said, people have already started asking the two of us what we would like for gifts! Is it bad to request no gifts? I'm not well versed in wedding etiquette at all...

We had a very small wedding but huge party the night before and asked on that invitation that no one bring gifts. Most people honored that, some brought wine or other small gifts, a few brought gift cards. We had around 120 guests and maybe 15 small gifts/bottles of wine. But we really would have been happy just to have the people.

We did receive gifts for our wedding against our will. ;) We did not register or specify anything. You just can not win no matter what you do. To me, registering for anything after having lived together and 100% establishing a household is a bit of a grab.

My cousin is about to get married. They do not have a pot to piss in but I see they have selected a very expensive venue. The happy couple has lived together for a few years. I'm sure her registry list will be a mile long and there will also be an expectation of a decent check to help her cover the cost of the reception because she has "been waiting for this day her whole life and it is all about her so everyone just needs to suck it up and make her dream come true". Blech.

Tapperjockey
Apr. 9, 2012, 04:58 PM
I'm starting to think that the new etiquette is anything goes....

BES

Don't confuse new etiquette (the rules do change), with lack of etiquette lol.

ESG
Apr. 9, 2012, 06:32 PM
If someone is registered, I will usually buy a small gift from their registry. Hey, they said they wanted x, and I could afford $x, so here ya go. :D If they're not registered, I would make up a nice gift basket with a nice bottle or two of wine, some pretty napkins, homemade treats and wine glasses. If they're teetotalers, the wine turns to coffee and the treats change to match, but that's it. Most people don't remember/care/use what they get for wedding gifts, anyway, IMO.

Shower gift? If they're already living together, I'm apt to decline the shower invitation. As others have said, the purpose of a shower is to give the couple what they need to start out; not to shower them with nitnoy crap they think they want, or that they think they should want, and so put on a registry list.

Oh, and this whole "honeymoon registry"?!?!? :eek::eek::eek::eek::eek: Talk about tacky! "Oh, I want to go to Jamaica for my honeymoon but can't afford it. Wait! I know! I'll put out a honeymoon registry so my friends can help pay for it!

:confused::confused::confused: WTF?

Would give a lot to know Miss Manners' opinion on those! Even better, to be there to see the facial expression when the question is asked! :lol::lol::lol::lol:

jetsmom
Apr. 9, 2012, 06:50 PM
But what to do if the bride ISN'T registered anywhere? I just got invited to a college friend's wedding (which I won't be attending because it's the same weekend as my Missouri to Ohio move). Said friend is also relocating shortly after the wedding (we're both in grad school), and so has decided not to register anywhere and requests "no boxed gifts" on the invitation.

:confused::confused::confused::confused:

Does this mean cash? Gift card? Send a nice vase or bowl after they move? I always thought cash was considered tacky...

BES

I can't bring myself to give cash. It just seems tacky to give/or ask (even in an indirect way). I'd do a gift card, maybe for a home improvement store/ really nice restaurant. If I feel like they are hinting for cash, I donate to a charity they like in their name. Teaches them not to be tacky and helps someone.

supershorty628
Apr. 9, 2012, 08:20 PM
What is considered proper etiquette in terms of invitation timing? I've only gone to one wedding and I was 6, so don't know really when I need to send invites out...

Got my dress today (eeeee!!!), so excited!!

Alagirl
Apr. 9, 2012, 08:23 PM
What is considered proper etiquette in terms of invitation timing? I've only gone to one wedding and I was 6, so don't know really when I need to send invites out...

Got my dress today (eeeee!!!), so excited!!

make it as far out as you can.
some people need a lot of lead in time to arrange for days off and travel.

Tapperjockey
Apr. 10, 2012, 12:21 AM
What is considered proper etiquette in terms of invitation timing? I've only gone to one wedding and I was 6, so don't know really when I need to send invites out...

Got my dress today (eeeee!!!), so excited!!

If it's a busy weekend ( weekend near fourth of July, Memorial Day, Easter, Labor Day, Anything from a week before Thanksgiving to a week after New Years), I like it when people send a "save the date card" 3-4 months in advance, particularly if guests may need to make travel arrangements and book hotels, etc. The formal invitation I think 8 weeks before is still the appropriate.

jetsmom
Apr. 10, 2012, 12:50 AM
I haven't been to a wedding yet that has been hosted by the couple, it certainly would give me pause. I haven't read any books by Carrie Bradshaw, so no idea what she would say about anything. I do agree that it is not fair that there is no "you are awesome" party for single people, but I can't figure out how/when would be appropriate at all.

Our was. All of the family was coming into town for the holiday last Christmas, so we invited everyone over here for dinner a few days after christmas, and told people we'd take family photos that night, so they would dress up a little. My DH and I snuck into the bedroom, and changed into a wedding dress/tux, and our cousin (the fire dept chaplain) changed into a suit, and we came out of the bdm, surprised everyone and got married. No stress. Didn't want gifts since we'd been together for 22 yrs. Family was there, which is what we wanted, and it was wonderful!