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LittleblackMorgan
Apr. 7, 2012, 10:03 PM
Mother in law refuses my wishes of a small baby shower and will be throwing a big fancy affair separate from my family.

She has begun harping on dh about baby's religious upbringing (me-atheist and strong believer in nature only, dh non practicing catholic or Christian or whatever it is at the time). She's gone so far to say we should baptize the baby "just incase something happens" (baby will be stuck in purgatory apparently).

She also wants me to name him after my father in law. Who I despise. Baby has a name and we aren't sharing.

My sister in law got none of this and I'm the outspoken one who is firm in my beliefs and wishes.

Help me not take my family and move to the south pole.

Equine Studies
Apr. 7, 2012, 10:07 PM
Easy enough to avoid the shower-you'll just have to feel sick that day.

Good luck with the rest................

Tapperjockey
Apr. 7, 2012, 10:38 PM
Well, it's pretty tacky to dictate your own baby shower. It's a party that someone else is throwing and you are the guest of honor at. Hopefully, they take some of your preferences into account, but it's pretty rude to dictate anything that isn't medically necessary (i.e. if you are allergic to lilacs.. the local "Garden of Lilacs" would be quite rude of the host. If you are having a poultry aversion ala Rachel on Friends, then a heads up to the host so they don't pick KFC, etc). Your job in a baby shower is to show up, much on cake, open gifts, and if asked, give a guest list before hand and to send out thank you cards after wards.

Trakehner
Apr. 7, 2012, 10:44 PM
"Though shalt have no gods before a pregnant mother"

Show up, be classy, say thank you and collect the booty.

As far as naming the baby...a smile with a "Thanks for the suggestion" always works. Then name the critter whatever you desire. If MIL makes things uncomfortable, tell her baby boy to deal with her...it's his mom. She raised him, so she did something correct.

Bluey
Apr. 7, 2012, 10:50 PM
You better take a deep breath, sight, sight again and ignore MIL.
Our mother drove my brother's wives crazy most of the time.
There is a reason two of us kids moved to different continents.
Some mothers and MILs are just like that, sorry you got one of those.:(

Learn to understand it is HER problem and go on with your life, ignoring her when what you want conflicts with what dear obnoxious MIL wants.

Good chance right now to practice standing your ground, when you can blame it on pregnancy hormones.:lol:

GraceLikeRain
Apr. 7, 2012, 10:50 PM
Someone wants to throw a lavish party in honor of you and your baby? Sounds like a blast to me.

RedMare01
Apr. 7, 2012, 11:01 PM
Enjoy the baby shower and the loot it involves. Hopefully it's good stuff though and not a hundred hand knit booties... ;) :lol:

As for the rest..."Well, bless your heart, we will take it under consideration...what's that? Oh, God has given us other directions...kthxbai."

littleum
Apr. 7, 2012, 11:25 PM
"Though shalt have no gods before a pregnant mother"

Show up, be classy, say thank you and collect the booty.

As far as naming the baby...a smile with a "Thanks for the suggestion" always works. Then name the critter whatever you desire. If MIL makes things uncomfortable, tell her baby boy to deal with her...it's his mom. She raised him, so she did something correct.

QFMT.

Long Spot
Apr. 7, 2012, 11:33 PM
My in-laws had a nice little pout when I picked my dad's name for my kiddo's middle name.

I sweetly reminded them that he DID have FIL's name. His last name. That was the last I heard about it.

Be glad you have folks who want to throw you showers. Not everyone does.

Capall
Apr. 7, 2012, 11:40 PM
A good friend of mine's MIL told her she was planning a lavish baby shower for her... 2 states away... when she was 7 1/2 months pregnant and her doc told her not to travel far/fly. MIL had a FIT of epic proportions when she was told she couldn't make it and why. It was awful.

Personally, I think it's tacky when people throw massive showers for people against their wishes. Not everyone is into that sort of thing, and making someone step way out of their (pregnant) safety zone is IMO rude and inconsiderate. Honestly, I'm so sick of the "miss manners" mentality, but I'm a rebel ;)

ETA: Lest anyone think I have no clue what I'm talking about, I am the mother of twins, and I had a lovely, low-key and very fun shower thrown by some friends of my mom. They did it exactly in my taste and I got everything I needed and more. It was nice and low stress.

Griffyn
Apr. 7, 2012, 11:43 PM
Trust me (with an 18 month old) take all the loot thats being offered. Take it back to the stores from whence the offending objects came, and buy stuff you like. You will need stuff. Its NICE to not have to pay for all that. Or if you have no financial need, put the cash in a bank acct youve set up for the wee one. And wait and see what you might like, if you have the storage. I thought the wipe warmer was a total crock, but turns out the little man likes his butt wiped with a warm wipe! I even regifted some lovely but not really my taste stuff to my new mamma friends. Im not really a shower person, or even a party person, but it was great to be at a party. It will be the last time for a long while! Plus while the focus is on you, its really your belly getting all the attention.

thatmoody
Apr. 8, 2012, 06:52 AM
"Though shalt have no gods before a pregnant mother"

Show up, be classy, say thank you and collect the booty.

As far as naming the baby...a smile with a "Thanks for the suggestion" always works. Then name the critter whatever you desire. If MIL makes things uncomfortable, tell her baby boy to deal with her...it's his mom. She raised him, so she did something correct.

Yup, there's a lot to be said for doing as you damned well please, and with a smile to boot. It's good practice for when you get old. You need to already have that reputation in place.

S1969
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:52 AM
Show up, be classy, say thank you and collect the booty.

As far as naming the baby...a smile with a "Thanks for the suggestion" always works. Then name the critter whatever you desire. If MIL makes things uncomfortable, tell her baby boy to deal with her...it's his mom. She raised him, so she did something correct.

Exactly.

It might seem *tacky* to throw a shower against the mother-to-be's wishes, but it is equally tacky to dictate the terms of your own shower. It's sort of unfair to expect the MIL not to be able to share in the excitement of a new grandchild.

This isn't really the kind of battle you want to pick....there will be many more in the course of raising your kids. Be grateful that you have people who want to throw you a shower. :)

As far as the name, she will get over it. Sounds like dh might want to chime in as well. It is HIS mother, after all. ;)

bumknees
Apr. 8, 2012, 08:24 AM
Hey be glad your MIL is even aknowleges your child it only took mmm 16 for mine to do that... Then she had to as she reconized him over her own son waiting at the airport after she insisted we bring out the entier family for a funeral with 48hrs notice...

rmh_rider
Apr. 8, 2012, 08:25 AM
Sounds like you best get some more thank you cards and stamps. At least she cares.

I would have loved if ANY body in my family had thrown me a party of most any sort in my life time. Feeling sorry for myself, yes. Ok, moving on.

LittleblackMorgan
Apr. 8, 2012, 11:35 AM
It's not that I am ungrateful and unappreciative. But my mil will invite people I don't know. I don't like being stated at by strangers.
I have 8 aunts on my side only, plus cousins and friends.
That's already too many people.

I'm a jeans person, mil is dressy jewelry lavish flashy and showy.

I asked my mom to keep it small and casual which is fine. Mil freaked out , fil called us selfish and they said they will have their own shower (they know my mom will keep it simple like I want) to do what mil wants.

I actually hate baby showers and find them incredibly boring and forced. I don't want one at all, I don't care about the gifts, buy neither mom will go for that.

LittleblackMorgan
Apr. 8, 2012, 11:41 AM
And might I add, my mil tries to force her ways on me all the time. 10 years now.

Dh has been standing up to her every time. Im on a phone and didn't want to type all that.

My sister in laws shower was huge, very formal and stuffy. I was very uncomfortable And so was she. She remembers opening things from people she didn't know.

And I have to have the invites state "no perfume" since I have a violent allergic reaction pregnant. That is going to be a problem with all the Italian relatives.

IneedanOTdayAlter
Apr. 8, 2012, 11:48 AM
You sound bitchy and unappreciative.

As one poster said above, pick your battles. This isn't really a hill to die on. Really.

Accept graciously, in the excited spirit that was intended, then go home and roll your eyes around in your head as much as you want.

Alienating your MIL for being excited about your child is..... so short sighted, on so many levels.

Bluey
Apr. 8, 2012, 11:56 AM
You sound bitchy and unappreciative.

As one poster said above, pick your battles. This isn't really a hill to die on. Really.

Accept graciously, in the excited spirit that was intended, then go home and roll your eyes around in your head as much as you want.

Alienating your MIL for being excited about your child is..... so short sighted, on so many levels.

It seems to me that there is more than just this shower event to come.

I think the OP is trying to figure how to set boundaries for this one obnoxious MIL and this is just one of those situations she needs to figure to do so.

I don't think she is trying to antagonize MIL, or she would have told her off long ago.

I think she has enough now to kind of work out some strategies to stand her ground, without needing to get rude to fend of the rude, pushy, domineering and perhaps clueless MIL.

This seems to be one more skirmish of many to come, in a possible lifetime war with those kinds of relatives.

Good luck and do play the allergy card to the hilt, no one can resent you for that "excuse" to get your way.;)

TheJenners
Apr. 8, 2012, 11:58 AM
Sounds like the relationship between MIL and OP is already strained if not downright pugilistic. OP, why care? If they are having fits over this, calling you names etc, then tell them quite calmly that it has ended, no more, you are done.

I did this recently with a family member. Wasn't easy, kinda sucked, but way less hate in my life. I get enough of that at work.

Mara
Apr. 8, 2012, 11:59 AM
You sound bitchy and unappreciative.

As one poster said above, pick your battles. This isn't really a hill to die on. Really.

Accept graciously, in the excited spirit that was intended, then go home and roll your eyes around in your head as much as you want.

Alienating your MIL for being excited about your child is..... so short sighted, on so many levels.

If you've read her past posts, LBM's in-laws are proof that Hell is full and demons walk the earth. They're petty and demanding and everything is all about them.

LBM - go. Wear what you want - you are pregnant and deserve to be as comfortable as you can manage (stopping short of pajamas). If the atmosphere is saturated with perfume and you have a reaction - hey, there's your excuse to bail early.

Kidding aside, you and your husband are going to have a serious come-to-Jesus meeting with his parents before the baby's born, because these controlling people are only going to escalate their level of intrusion after the birth. They'll be in your grill round the clock telling you how to raise YOUR child.

fargonefarm
Apr. 8, 2012, 02:00 PM
I guess I'm having a big issue with those posters who think LBM is being bitchy and unappreciative. I think I'm right in assuming (reading between the lines and all) that this is more of a boundry issue than a "I don't want a shower issue." While it's true that it is incredibly nice of a loved one to throw a baby shower for you, it's not OK to NOT respect that person's wishes and beliefs - family or not. If I were throwing a shower for a family member who was anti-religion I CERTAINLY would NOT force any sort of religion into the shower. It would be like throwing a barbeque for a vegetarian and only serving beef :confused:

I think perhaps the OP needs to have a firm heart to heart with dear MIL and say "While I appreciate your wanting to throw me such an elaborate shower, there are certain things that I am not comfortable with and ask that they be respected." And this is important especially when it comes to religion. No need to be nasty - but set boundries NOW before you foal otherwise later on it's going to be a nightmare.

Tapperjockey
Apr. 8, 2012, 02:12 PM
I guess I'm having a big issue with those posters who think LBM is being bitchy and unappreciative. I think I'm right in assuming (reading between the lines and all) that this is more of a boundry issue than a "I don't want a shower issue." While it's true that it is incredibly nice of a loved one to throw a baby shower for you, it's not OK to NOT respect that person's wishes and beliefs - family or not. If I were throwing a shower for a family member who was anti-religion I CERTAINLY would NOT force any sort of religion into the shower. It would be like throwing a barbeque for a vegetarian and only serving beef :confused:

I think perhaps the OP needs to have a firm heart to heart with dear MIL and say "While I appreciate your wanting to throw me such an elaborate shower, there are certain things that I am not comfortable with and ask that they be respected." And this is important especially when it comes to religion. No need to be nasty - but set boundries NOW before you foal otherwise later on it's going to be a nightmare.

Then you decline to attend the shower. There is nothing wrong with that. But if you accept the party that someone is hosting for you, you don't get to dictate how they throw it. Personally, I would decline it all together.

S1969
Apr. 8, 2012, 02:39 PM
I guess I'm having a big issue with those posters who think LBM is being bitchy and unappreciative. I think I'm right in assuming (reading between the lines and all) that this is more of a boundry issue than a "I don't want a shower issue."

I guess in my old age I just can't get behind someone who is unwilling to put on a clean shirt and let other people celebrate the upcoming birth of a baby for a couple of hours. How hard it is to just go along with a baby shower? Other people plan it, you show up, and they give you presents - things you will need, and things you will like, and some things you will cherish forever. And certainly some things you won't like and you can return them.

I think it's ok to say things like "I refuse to wear a bonnet of bows on my head" and "Please don't measure my belly with toilet paper", etc. But otherwise...really? How hard is it to let the future grandmother throw a baby shower?

There are obviously deeper issues here, but in THIS instance, I say go along. It's not just your baby - that's how families work. Other people are also excited too.

Once the baby is born, then mom & dad get to take control....don't want a big party for baby's baptism/1st birthday/1st solid food, whatever? Fine - because you will be the ones planning these events.

LittleblackMorgan
Apr. 8, 2012, 06:23 PM
Bitchy or whatever, I do not like being touched stared at or forced to make convo with people I don't know.

Id rather be a bitch.

LLDM
Apr. 8, 2012, 06:38 PM
Well, it's pretty tacky to dictate your own baby shower.

Apparently, and I just learned this yesterday from Miss Manners herself, it IS tacky for relatives to throw showers! Who knew? But it does make sense - showers should be thrown by the friends. This also avoids the problem the OP is having.


Honestly, I'm so sick of the "miss manners" mentality, but I'm a rebel ;)

ETA: Lest anyone think I have no clue what I'm talking about, I am the mother of twins, and I had a lovely, low-key and very fun shower thrown by some friends of my mom. They did it exactly in my taste and I got everything I needed and more. It was nice and low stress.

See above! Real manners solve a lot of these sticky wickets. ;) Real manners are real manners because they work, for the most part, to avoid clashes and make people comfortable. Real manners are not to be confused with what people trot out most of the time because it's convenient for them. :lol:


I think it's ok to say things like "I refuse to wear a bonnet of bows on my head" and "Please don't measure my belly with toilet paper", etc.

Um, no. Not really. Once they have you, you are at their mercy.


But otherwise...really? How hard is it to let the future grandmother throw a baby shower?

Well, there are showers and then there are control issues. Sometimes they are the same thing. Which is WHY Miss Manners knows they are for friends and not relatives to throw! :cool:

SCFarm

S1969
Apr. 8, 2012, 06:47 PM
Apparently, and I just learned this yesterday from Miss Manners herself, it IS tacky for relatives to throw showers! Who knew? But it does make sense - showers should be thrown by the friends. This also avoids the problem the OP is having.

Yes, but since no one actually knows this rule of good manners, family members very often throw showers anyway. So, rather than pull out Miss Manners herself and make them feel bad, most of the rest of the world simply goes along and is thankful that they have friends and relatives who are a) happy for them; b) want to wish them well; and c) give them things they need for their baby.

I refused to wear a hat made from bows at my (adoption) shower. I graciously held it on my lap and thanked everyone for coming and for their generosity. It wasn't that hard.

LBM, if it's that hard for you to make conversation for 2 hours, then I guess you should politely decline the shower. But, my advice to you as a mother to be: this will not be the first time (nor the last) that you have to go out of your comfort zone for your child. Might be good to get used to it.

Bogie
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:08 PM
I'm sorry that you feel so stressed about the baby shower. It is certainly insensitive of your MIL to go against your wishes.

It sounds like you are actually going to have two -- one hosted by your relatives, one by your MIL.

Could you bring a few friends with you to the MIL's shower? Then they can shield you from questions and create a protective barrier.

Personally (my MIL was a bit insufferable, but probably not as bad as yours) I would go to the shower. I would wait and pick a battle that you can fight privately (she will lose face if she has to cancel it) such as in what religion your child is raised or what his name will be. Those things are none.of.her.business and you don't even have to discuss them with her.

Guin
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:10 PM
Well, the huge faux pas is that the MIL and, apparently, the Mother, are *both* giving the OP showers. Baby showers are *not* supposed to be given by family members. I don't know why, but they're not.

In any case, since it's a done deal, the OP should show up for an hour and half and leave. The good thing about being pregnant is you can just say you don't feel well, and everyone will leap up and shoo you out the door. It won't kill the OP to sit for an hour and a half and be gracious to all the people who are giving her presents.

fargonefarm
Apr. 8, 2012, 07:36 PM
OK, so I'm going to expand on my previous post, since I've had a couple of glasses of wine and just had a whopper of family drama thrown on my plate.
I was raised by very tolerant, highly educated parents. I grew up going to both fancy soirees but also the local redneck barbeque thrown by Jim Bob down the street. I graduated from a fancy university, but my current occupation (horse trainer in the back woods) means that I mingle with the crowd that spits, swears, and thinks good grammar is something that granny wore on her head :eek: But some things are just plain universal, whether you are hoity-toity or are related to the Clampetts:
-Good manners are something that have to be practiced by BOTH parties. It is not necessarily good manners to sit there and swallow someone elses' ideas if they go against what you believe.
-While there is something to be said for keeping the peace in a family, especially when little ones, or little-ones-to-be are involved, standing up for what you believe should never EVER be NOT done. You should be treated the way you treat your family. If you treat your in-laws respectfully and with good grace, then they should do the same. There is no excuse for it to NOT be that way. Now - the caveat here is can you honestly say that YOU treat your in-laws respectfully? If not, then the OP needs to re-think her current position. However - family drama is no place to raise a kid. Period.
-Set an example for said kid. By setting boundries for yourself, you set boundries for your kid and they learn to do the same.
-If your family can't treat you with respect and honor your wishes, then take it from me - there is some family not worth having.

Look - like I've said, in the last few months I've had more than my fair share of family drama. I've had hurt, turmoil, and upheaval. I can honestly say that I've treated my family with respect and love. If they're not willing to do the same, then I am perfectly willing to board the bitch train and ride it as far away as it will take me. But the OP really needs to ask herself if she's really extended all the respect to her in-laws that she should. If not - then suck it up and wear a flippin' bonnett. But if she has and she keeps getting smacked around, then find the train my love....find the train :yes:

Good manners are a two-way street.

LittleblackMorgan
Apr. 8, 2012, 10:25 PM
I have no idea what this bonnet business is???

Wayside
Apr. 8, 2012, 10:35 PM
Mother in law refuses my wishes of a small baby shower and will be throwing a big fancy affair separate from my family.

Although you're carrying it, you're not the only one having a baby - your DH is as well. This is 2012, ditch the antiquated gender roles, stay home yourself, and have DH attend the shower held by his mother.

When I was pregnant DH's family wanted to have a baby shower for me, and basically just invite themselves. I was okay with going, but I felt sort of awkward about the idea of it being just me and the women in his family. I also loathe having people stare at me while I open gifts. So I insisted that the shower should be for men and women, so that DH could be the "guest of honor" and open the presents.

DH's family started out being obnoxious and tried to impose their ideas about family and parenting, and all sorts of things. Got really bad when my son was born, but I put my foot down right away. They didn't speak to us for two years, but eventually they realized that they needed to accept that this was our child, not theirs, and we called the shots.