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mysaygrace
Apr. 7, 2012, 02:17 PM
My husband & I are 17 weeks & 6 days pregnant. We wanted to wait until we safely through the first trimester to tell his parents. His parents go to Florida every winter & come home right before Easter, so my husband decided to just wait to tell them our news until they came home so he could tell them in person. The remarks that were made were not the ones we were expecting. I felt horrible for my husband, he's been waiting & waiting to tell them our happy news. We met his parents for lunch & after we ordered my husband announced they were going to be grandparents again, this is our first child. After a pause his mother looked across the table at me & took a deep breath & said "If this is something you wanted I hope you're happy" then she turned to my husband & put her hand on his arm & said "I'm happy for you, I know you wanted this a long, long time" then that was it. The rest of the conversation was about their property taxes, his father's CPAP machine & my husband's one sister & her family. I know my mother in law is not very fond of me but I never in a million years expected her to react this way. I felt like she feels this pregnancy is a mistake or unplanned. I'm more angry than hurt by her behavior, what she did to her son was wrong & very cold. He said he's been dreaming of this day for years & years then to have this parents behave the way they did just crushed him.

twotrudoc
Apr. 7, 2012, 02:20 PM
His mother is a turd. The problem with a turd is you can never pick it up by the clean end. Don't let that woman affect you.

Heck, I want to congratulate you and make you a cake!!!!!!!

sdlbredfan
Apr. 7, 2012, 02:20 PM
Yikes! What a dragon-lady, with emphasis on the dragon part and not much of a lady.

Blugal
Apr. 7, 2012, 02:21 PM
Congratulations on the baby!!

Sorry to hear about your MIL. I don't really have any good advice. As long as you and your husband are on the same page, you will be OK.

As for his parents (or was it just his mother) - maybe she is reacting as, "I am losing my son to this other woman" and the baby makes that a permanent thing (whereas before, she could cling to being nasty to you & you might leave)?

My own reaction to her - if someone shows you their true colours, believe them.

saddleup
Apr. 7, 2012, 02:24 PM
My dear mom always told me I have a choice when dealing with stupid or rude people. I can be mad or I can feel sorry for them...sorry that they're stupid, mean, obnoxious, uncaring, clueless, etc.

Makes it bearable. Puts it in perspective. Makes it easier to dismiss them and their awfulness.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. It's a wonderful thing.

Alagirl
Apr. 7, 2012, 02:25 PM
Darling.
Sweetheart.

You are having hormones now. The really good kind that let you get away with nearly anything!

Use them wisely.

Yes, it sucks. But you and your husband are happy. Give the old bat the one finger salute!

Or go into a crying fit right there in the restaurant....how she so hates you! :winkgrin:

I feel for you.
While I get along with MIL, she has her idiot moments. And since my kid was only No 7 on her grandkid list....there was not a lot of exitement (while he was No1 on my side of the family! :cool:)

think duck and water......have a milk shake, make note of what beverage to imbibe once you are done nursing and such....

many hugs, this, too shall pass!

TheHorseProblem
Apr. 7, 2012, 02:25 PM
More important is how your husband deals with his mother's attitude. I hope he takes your side and doesn't try to deny how your MIL is treating you.

mysaygrace
Apr. 7, 2012, 02:28 PM
Awww, thanks twotrudoc, I appreciate the congrats & cake would taste really good right now, lol!!! I'm just glad to know we're not out of line by feeling offended & hurt by their behavior. I'm trying to not let their behavior rain on our parade.

stolen virtue
Apr. 7, 2012, 02:30 PM
Sometimes people don't react the way we expect, please don't let your inlaws take the joy out of such a special event.

There may be more back story than you know, and really who cares about them. When I got pregnant with my daughter my sister who was not able to get pregnant and who adopted, was angry. I felt very hurt and we have basically never connected after that. I was thrilled and if someone could not be happy for me, that was their problem.

Be happy, it is all good and allow others to react anyway their heart desires, but don't let anyone make you feel bad. Some people will disappoint you but other people will support you more than you expect.

mysaygrace
Apr. 7, 2012, 02:34 PM
Yes, Blugal, I thought that too, that she's been hoping he'd leave me & one day return home & now that a baby is going to be in the picture she doesn't see that happening. She really did seem more sad than happy. My husband's families true colors about how they feel about me has been coming out over the past few years but I think this one takes the cake in my husband's book.

mysaygrace
Apr. 7, 2012, 02:38 PM
Saddleup - yes I'm trying very hard to be the better person here & handle this with diginity & grace. I have a feelling I'll be doing a lot of that in front of our little one in the years to come when dealing with my husband's family.

Alagirl - Yes, I thought too about using the Hormone card, lol!

The horse problem - Yes, thankfully my husband is on my side, hope he remains that way.

laskiblue
Apr. 7, 2012, 02:41 PM
Congratulations to you and your husband on the baby!

My condolences on the MIL -- she sounds like a mega-wench.

JanM
Apr. 7, 2012, 03:06 PM
Congratulations on the baby!

About grandmaMIL-she's a total witch, showed her true colors and has shown you exactly what she's like. In the future she might try to hide that she doesn't give a rat's patootie (or however you spell that) for you or the grandchild, but for today she showed her true feelings. And you didn't say how future grandpa reacted, but I bet she's the one who manipulates and controls so he's not going to do anything to oppose her.

It's like my mothers mother (who was a very bad mother, grandmother, and person) who favored one set of grandchildren over the other, because she knew the one mother would her dictate all kinds of things,and control things. We grew up knowing that she didn't care about us, because none of us were her religious persuasion (devout whack jobs was the sect), care about her opinions, and didn't care about her opinions. Children know how adults feel, and it will be your job to protect your kid from her. Grandpa will not interfere, and your husband will have to fight for your relationship and for his child against her. It's sad to grow up knowing someone doesn't care about you, and never will; but your child will have to be protected from his or her grandma emotionally, and either your parents will have to set up their involvement, or you'll have to 'adopt' grandparents, because you MIL showed her real feelings today. There is zero point in trying to get someone to care who obviously doesn't, so you'll have to be strong and firm with the whole in-law side. I know you'll do the best for your future equestrian.

There's an old saying about 'When someone shows you who they are believe them' (Maya Angelou maybe?), and you need to. Maybe in the future your MIL will try to convince everyone she cares, but she showed you what she is.

LauraKY
Apr. 7, 2012, 03:11 PM
Congratulation on the baby!

Sorry about the MIL. I have one that hates me too. We had a truce of sorts for years, but for the last 8 years or so, she has refused to speak to me. I like it this way just fine. Her loss, not mine.

She came to "help" when my daughter was born. Wouldn't cook because she doesn't like to, wouldn't wash dishes because she just had her nails down, wouldn't vacuum because it was too hard to push the vacuum. I told my husband she goes or I go. He took her to the airport. She didn't talk to me for a year. She got over it, but thankfully she lived 1,000 miles away. We had to limit her visits (I used to be able to stand 3 days at the most), which pissed her off. I don't remember what happened to set off the grand finale, but it works just fine for me.
<edit> I do remember...she had a big old hissy fit at my daughter's high school graduation party at a friends house, for the life of me I can't remember about what. My husband took her to the airport 6 hours early and left her there. It's my fault, of course.

Alagirl
Apr. 7, 2012, 03:32 PM
Congratulations on the baby!

About grandmaMIL-she's a total witch, showed her true colors and has shown you exactly what she's like. In the future she might try to hide that she doesn't give a rat's patootie (or however you spell that) for you or the grandchild, but for today she showed her true feelings. And you didn't say how future grandpa reacted, but I bet she's the one who manipulates and controls so he's not going to do anything to oppose her.

It's like my mothers mother (who was a very bad mother, grandmother, and person) who favored one set of grandchildren over the other, because she knew the one mother would her dictate all kinds of things,and control things. We grew up knowing that she didn't care about us, because none of us were her religious persuasion (devout whack jobs was the sect), care about her opinions, and didn't care about her opinions. Children know how adults feel, and it will be your job to protect your kid from her. Grandpa will not interfere, and your husband will have to fight for your relationship and for his child against her. It's sad to grow up knowing someone doesn't care about you, and never will; but your child will have to be protected from his or her grandma emotionally, and either your parents will have to set up their involvement, or you'll have to 'adopt' grandparents, because you MIL showed her real feelings today. There is zero point in trying to get someone to care who obviously doesn't, so you'll have to be strong and firm with the whole in-law side. I know you'll do the best for your future equestrian.

There's an old saying about 'When someone shows you who they are believe them' (Maya Angelou maybe?), and you need to. Maybe in the future your MIL will try to convince everyone she cares, but she showed you what she is.


It's been atributed to Dr Phil, but who cares, it's age old wisdom.

In any case, there are plenty of benevolent people out there who would jump at the chance to be adoptive grandparents. :yes::cool:

ohrebecca
Apr. 7, 2012, 04:01 PM
Congratulations to you and your husband! As for your witch of a MIL, time to cut her off. I don't know if you're on the babycenter boards, but there is a "dealing with the in-laws" forum that is VERY good for venting ;)

Pussy Cat
Apr. 7, 2012, 04:04 PM
Congrats on the baby. What wonderful days are ahead of you!

As for MIL? I can't tell you what I think of her since we need to consider the Children of CoTH when replying... ;)

Alagirl
Apr. 7, 2012, 04:04 PM
isn't there something about 'the broom you rode in on'?

BuddyRoo
Apr. 7, 2012, 04:07 PM
Congratulations and best wishes for a happy and uneventful pregnancy and delivery!

I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt. She was very inappropriate with those comments.

That said, I think that there are a lot of women (more than we'd like to admit) who, as another poster said, really want to hold on to their "little boys" and no matter how old the man is, they take offense to the idea that another woman might be more important to him.

I ran into this with both my MIL and SIL. My husband said that they contributed to issues in his first marriage. Very controlling, very much thinking they should and can run his life. But I've been very assertive and in spite of some bumps in the road, I think we're all on better terms now. I think sometimes, especially in very matriarchal families, you kind of have to "pee on" what's yours and get a little mama bear before they respect you as one of them.

Does that make sense?

Again, best wishes!

IdahoRider
Apr. 7, 2012, 04:42 PM
Congratulations to you and your husband on the baby!

My condolences on the MIL -- she sounds like a mega-wench.
Exactly!
Sheilah

hastyreply
Apr. 7, 2012, 04:58 PM
I only had two compliments from my MIL. One was "I always thought it would be my DILs that would be a problem, not the SILs". She said this in front of me, and at the time I was the only DIL. The other she said to my eldest child. Something like "You and your brother and sister aren't screwed up, your parents did the best with ya'll".

We were always polite and I'm one of the few people who never had a spat with her. She's just realizing she's stuck with you now. Even if you divorce your still the mother of her grandchild. As mom you have all the power if she wants to have a relationship with that grandchild too.

Kill her with politeness.

Unfforgettable
Apr. 7, 2012, 05:29 PM
I'd have politely said thanks for the good wishes, as I took a notebook from my purse and wrote the comments down. Then I'd have explained why I wrote them down...."We're putting together a memory book for the baby and want to record all the events before he/she is born as well as after. This includes the delighted responses from our family....thank you for adding yours to our baby's memory book. I'm sure it will be fun to read through when the baby is old enough."

Alagirl
Apr. 7, 2012, 05:52 PM
I only had two compliments from my MIL. One was "I always thought it would be my DILs that would be a problem, not the SILs". She said this in front of me, and at the time I was the only DIL. The other she said to my eldest child. Something like "You and your brother and sister aren't screwed up, your parents did the best with ya'll".

We were always polite and I'm one of the few people who never had a spat with her. She's just realizing she's stuck with you now. Even if you divorce your still the mother of her grandchild. As mom you have all the power if she wants to have a relationship with that grandchild too.

Kill her with politeness.

LOL, awesome advice!


I'd have politely said thanks for the good wishes, as I took a notebook from my purse and wrote the comments down. Then I'd have explained why I wrote them down...."We're putting together a memory book for the baby and want to record all the events before he/she is born as well as after. This includes the delighted responses from our family....thank you for adding yours to our baby's memory book. I'm sure it will be fun to read through when the baby is old enough."

I would love to see the face! :lol:

mysaygrace
Apr. 7, 2012, 08:23 PM
Thank you everyone for confirming I'm not nuts thinking the remarks my MIL made were out of line & insensitive. These days I'm more aware my hormones make me mire sensitive but when I told a few of my closest friends what MIL said to us they were horrified as well. I already told my husband I will not attend a baby shower hosted my his mother should she have a change if heart & he's fine with that. MIL is the type that enjoys putting on a big show for everyone to be the center of attention & be told how wonderful she is, I refuse to play into this fake show of affection, especially now. I'm trying to release my anger because it's not worth it, nor healthy but it seems to consume me right now. If anything her true colors were loudly presented for her son who at this point doesn't even want to talk to her. As far as his father, we honestly don't even know if he heard us, he made no comment whatsoever, amazing!!! Going to take a relaxing soak in the tub & try to forget this twisted family my poor husband belongs to, looks like a long unpleasant road ahead of us.

Alter of the month
Apr. 7, 2012, 09:05 PM
My mother disliked every woman I ever brought home, married or lived with, and would have hated the most recent in line, too, except death claimed her before she had the opportunity to say much of anything unpleasant.

When I phoned my parents to tell them that my first future wife and I had gotten engaged, they were at a location without two extensions available. My mother was on the phone first, and after I shared the news, there was a long pause.

Then, after a sigh, she said, "Alright, when is it and how far do we have to go to get there?"

I spoke briefly to my father who seemed very pleased. Unlike my mother, he liked every woman he met that I ever brought home, lived with or married. (Maybe he worried I was gay. Yeah, right.)

stolen virtue
Apr. 7, 2012, 09:14 PM
My mother disliked every woman I ever brought home, married or lived with, and would have hated the most recent in line, too, except death claimed her before she had the opportunity to say much of anything unpleasant.

When I phoned my parents to tell them that my first future wife and I had gotten engaged, they were at a location without two extensions available. My mother was on the phone first, and after I shared the news, there was a long pause.

Then, after a sigh, she said, "Alright, when is it and how far do we have to go to get there?"

I spoke briefly to my father who seemed very pleased. Unlike my mother, he liked every woman he met that I ever brought home, lived with or married. (Maybe he worried I was gay. Yeah, right.)

I have a MIL who has disliked me as well and who set out to make my wedding day a living he##. I also have a son who is very special to me. I really hope I can be the MIL I always wanted. Maybe I needed the crazy MIL to be a better one for my son. We can hope...

Trakehner
Apr. 7, 2012, 11:00 PM
Oh for Pete's sake...your husband isn't pregnant, you are. "WE" are going to be parents, you are preggers.

When you said, "We met his parents for lunch & after we ordered my husband announced they were going to be grandparents again, this is our first child. "

So, grandkids are not new to them...so you having a kid is not the high point of their lives (or anyone else's besides you and your husband's--and maybe your parents if they don't have grandkids already). It's just not that big a thing to other people.

"After a pause his mother looked across the table at me & took a deep breath & said "If this is something you wanted I hope you're happy" then she turned to my husband & put her hand on his arm & said "I'm happy for you, I know you wanted this a long, long time" then that was it. "

Did you expect handstands? Dancing on the table? It really isn't earth shattering news or something that's never happened. You really have to get over yourself and your importance to the world...it's a kid, not the saviour being born in a manger. Were you expecting to be the center of conversation all meal? The lady has has kids, she's already a grandmother, this just isn't that amazing an happening. The lady isn't a mega-wench, evil, controlling or a witch...

I'm a guy, when a parent is passing around photos of their ghastly-looking meatloaf of a newborn, I do my best to avoid looking at the photo, don't make cooing noises over the luvly BCP failure and really don't care. I ask, "Is it healthy?" and don't feign interest in the kid. Now if it was a new filly, well, that's different.

mysaygrace
Apr. 7, 2012, 11:27 PM
Wow Trakehner, thanks for your post, it reallly helped me understand things & put things in a new perspective.

I guess I was way out of line when I thought it was inappropiate for my MIL to say "If this is something you wanted I hope you're happy", seriously, even a comment like "really, you're pregnant" or even "okay, that's nice" would have been more kind. I don't believe in my post I said I expectd handstands, dancing on tables or that our child is the savior, could you be so kind to point out where I said these things? Telling me to get over myself & my importance to the world, why do you feel the need to be mean to me, did I personally do something to you? I certainly did not expect to be the center of conversation, I guess it was wrong to expect my husbands parents to be happy for him, I thought that's what parent's do. As for my MIL not being a mega-wench, evil, controlling or a witch, did you see anywhere in my post I called her such things? You need to take a deep look at yourself & why you feel the need to lash out at me with such anger, I feel sorry for you.

Griffyn
Apr. 8, 2012, 12:20 AM
My Mom was a little stunned when I told her. She immediately went into this strange "how are you going to handle XX, YY,ZZ" and daycare and on and on. She was more on the order of "im not going to be a part time nanny". I was pretty upset. NOW with the boy here, she couldnt be more granny-ish. She can hardly WAIT to retire. She dies if she cant see him for the week. Hopefully, she just didnt know what to say to your SO, her son. Maybe they assumed you guys couldnt have kids or something... It may be an indicator of her feelings, but maybe not. The good thing about having a little one is that once they are here, you and your husband will be catapaulted into your own little world. As long as they arent overtly rude, or hostile or mean, it may matter less down the road, as you will be totally enchanted with the little being in your arms, and your own lil family. Congrats!

vacation1
Apr. 8, 2012, 12:34 AM
What a lovely reaction. "If this is what you wanted..." I could understand if she'd had an awkward, flat, obviously false "Oh.... congratulations" reaction - I mean, it would be wrong, but sometimes people don't like who they're supposed to like, and their true feelings come out when they're startled. That response, though, was awfully well-designed, and aimed to wound. Interesting that she a) said it in front of the men instead of being subtle, and b) that she appeared to have no compunction about wounding her own child as well as her (aparently) disliked in-law.

Tapperjockey
Apr. 8, 2012, 12:54 AM
My mother disliked every woman I ever brought home, married or lived with, and would have hated the most recent in line, too, except death claimed her before she had the opportunity to say much of anything unpleasant.

When I phoned my parents to tell them that my first future wife and I had gotten engaged, they were at a location without two extensions available. My mother was on the phone first, and after I shared the news, there was a long pause.

Then, after a sigh, she said, "Alright, when is it and how far do we have to go to get there?"

I spoke briefly to my father who seemed very pleased. Unlike my mother, he liked every woman he met that I ever brought home, lived with or married. (Maybe he worried I was gay. Yeah, right.)

Until the last part I thought maybe you were my ex. But his dad died when he was young. He was his mom's only child. He tried not to be a mama's boy, but she tried equally as hard to make him one. She was 89% of the reason we split up. Ironically.. she died 8 months later. But the damage had been done by then.

mysaygrace
Apr. 8, 2012, 12:55 AM
Even just a small fake smile & maybe the words "that's nice" wouldn't have been as hurtful. I didn't expect much knowing her feelings before hand of me but when she said "if this is what you wanted" at first confused me like what was that suppose to mean then the more I thought about it I took it as this was a mistake or unwanted pregnancy. They've been after us for years for grand kids, we've been married 15 years and are both 39, I just wasn't all that interested in having children, then one day I woke up & realized my clock is ticking & yes I would like to share my life with a child. Truly can't figure it out, probably better that I stop trying & just move on, life's too short as it is.

Tapperjockey
Apr. 8, 2012, 01:02 AM
Even just a small fake smile & maybe the words "that's nice" wouldn't have been as hurtful. I didn't expect much knowing her feelings before hand of me but when she said "if this is what you wanted" at first confused me like what was that suppose to mean then the more I thought about it I took it as this was a mistake or unwanted pregnancy. They've been after us for years for grand kids, we've been married 15 years and are both 39, I just wasn't all that interested in having children, then one day I woke up & realized my clock is ticking & yes I would like to share my life with a child. Truly can't figure it out, probably better that I stop trying & just move on, life's too short as it is.

Maybe she was just very startled. If you've been married for 15 years, and are now pregnant.. she probably didn't know what to say. I must admit when I have heard some people tell me they are having a child, sometimes my first reaction (that I thankfully have never acted on) has been "You? A baby?". but after a few days it settles in. They just got back from a trip, and that is big news to be broadsided with. They probably won't be as excited as your parents it sounds like, but that's okay too. I'd give it a little time.