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Whinny83
Mar. 18, 2012, 09:18 PM
Yes, another one of these threads.

MY DH will not "let" me buy a horse because he sees it as a waste of money. He constantly complains about horses, even me looking at this forum. He says horses are like "crack" to me, and I have to get my fix. True story, but I don't see it as a bad thing. I feel he is just being controlling.

I work full time and actually make more money than he does, although we share accounts. I've been trying to figure ways to change his mind, such as letting him know how much it means it to me, etc. How horses are to me what sports are to him....No dice.

I've leased a few horses since becoming a re-rider, but leasing is okay until the owners decide to sell the horse out from under you. He knew I loved horses before we married, and I told him I would be buying a horse once I finished my MBA and got a higher paying gig. So I did all that, and once he realized the cost of horse ownership, he changed his mind. Anyway, I guess the question is, How have other people dealt with this? He feels leasing is good compromise, but I clearly disagree.

littleum
Mar. 18, 2012, 09:29 PM
He's willing to go as far as leasing? I think that's a pretty big step forward.

Your argument about the potential sale of a horse sounds more like an excuse to me. You can find "locked in" leases where the horse isn't for sale at all. You can get a contract stating you have the horse for X weeks/months/years. Plenty of situations where a kid is at college, someone is preggars etc and the horse isn't for sale but clearly won't be used for an extended period of time.

Why not lease a few horses, take your time, let him get his head wrapped around it all and see it's not really going to be the end of the (his) world?

If he's willing to go along with the $$$/time commitment to a lease horse, that's actually a pretty big step. Ratchet down your expectations/desires a notch or two for a little bit of time.

If you do the leases, all goes well (no trainwrecks), the money is still there, and he STILL digs in and balks, THEN it's time for the fight. But for now I say it's time for some slow and patient man training. ;)

katarine
Mar. 18, 2012, 09:32 PM
Sit down and plan a budget for yours, mine, ours, and retirement.

If he wants to spend his on X, that's his business. Same goes for you.

He married you, he didn't buy you.

atlatl
Mar. 18, 2012, 09:36 PM
I'm in a similar financial situation and katarine is right on. Since doing the "your, mine and ours" budgeting there is peace in the valley. Do you "let" him spend money on whatever? Yes, he is being controlling.

It was hard for me to come to terms with not being able to just have "ours" after 20+ years of marriage, but I was getting so resentful about the finances that I'm convinced it saved our marriage.

Good Luck!

Trying2Event
Mar. 18, 2012, 09:41 PM
Get yourself a new husband, or give up on your horsey dream (leasing or not). Period.

Any man who is that hell-bent against you having a horse is going to make your life ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE, once you have one.

Disagreers (sp?) may flame away, but I know I'm correct.

giantpony
Mar. 18, 2012, 09:55 PM
To me, this isn't a horse issue at all. This is a control issue. Even if you reach an agreement about horses, I predict there will be a new problem stemming from him wanting to control you, your actions, your decisions, your money.

You can try splitting the finances as mentioned above, but I'd be suspicious that he'll just try to control you some other way.

Personally, I'd run... far far away.

Best of luck.
GP

lovey1121
Mar. 18, 2012, 10:29 PM
He's willing to go as far as leasing? I think that's a pretty big step forward.
Your argument about the potential sale of a horse sounds more like an excuse to me. You can find "locked in" leases where the horse isn't for sale at all. You can get a contract stating you have the horse for X weeks/months/years. Plenty of situations where a kid is at college, someone is preggars etc and the horse isn't for sale but clearly won't be used for an extended period of time.
Why not lease a few horses, take your time, let him get his head wrapped around it all and see it's not really going to be the end of the (his) world?
If he's willing to go along with the $$$/time commitment to a lease horse, that's actually a pretty big step. Ratchet down your expectations/desires a notch or two for a little bit of time.
If you do the leases, all goes well (no trainwrecks), the money is still there, and he STILL digs in and balks, THEN it's time for the fight. But for now I say it's time for some slow and patient man training. ;)

This.

dangerbunny
Mar. 18, 2012, 10:39 PM
My guy really doesn't get the horse thing, he comes from a farm family and I think he really just thinks of them as "hay burners", that being said he has never told me I couldn't keep horses, made me feel bad or guilty over it. His first priority is making sure I am happy, just like mine is making him happy. Part of that is respecting our financial situation and not blowing money, it means I have to readjust my riding goals to fit with reality but that is okay.

I think having it set down into a budget could really help you, you have your horsey fund, he has his fishing (or whatever) fund. There are generally bigger problems in a relationship when one partner doesn't have any interesting hobbies that they are enthusiastic to spend time and money on.

littleum
Mar. 18, 2012, 10:45 PM
To me, this isn't a horse issue at all. This is a control issue. Even if you reach an agreement about horses, I predict there will be a new problem stemming from him wanting to control you, your actions, your decisions, your money.

You can try splitting the finances as mentioned above, but I'd be suspicious that he'll just try to control you some other way.

Personally, I'd run... far far away.

Best of luck.
GP

Wow, got some angry women here!

Sounds to me like the husband is willing to go as far as leasing, but is reluctant and afraid of getting in way over his head.

It may not be a control issue but a TRUST issue. He sees how passionate she is and doesn't TRUST her to "know when to say when" and is afraid they're going to get into a big $$$ mess. Hell, he's willing to go as far as leasing. Not like he's stonewalling her. Not like he's saying "one lesson a month and no more". He's saying "lease, don't buy"

This is totally reasonable and I HAVE BEEN THERE MYSELF WITH MY OWN HUSBAND! Mine is not a horsey SO (and never will be) but he sees I'm all about steering clear of $$ ruin, so big sigh of relief, carry on wife, carry on.

I wish the old women crew on this board would stop acting like every non-horsey SO that doesn't shut up and sit down is a controlling jerk. The bitterness well just overflows on posts like this. Maybe he's got legitimate concerns and just wants to make sure it's not going to fly off the rails. One or two good leases may easily ease all his concerns and situation solved.

Sometimes I wonder if a lot of the failure of horsey/non-horsey marriages are because the female part of the equation is really just a spoilt bitch who wants what she wants when she wants it.

dangerbunny
Mar. 18, 2012, 10:48 PM
Littleum- I see your point but the OP said she was feeling controlled and her husband has a problem with her even spending time on horse forums, that sends up red flags for me.

PiaffePlease
Mar. 18, 2012, 10:50 PM
My husband has his hobby, I have mine. We both encourage each other to enjoy it. Does he have something he likes to do? Golf, video games, beer making or something he can enjoy while you have the horses?

All Ive ever done is leased too, and I swore after my last lease went badly that I would never lease again. Its just too hard.

vacation1
Mar. 18, 2012, 10:54 PM
[QUOTE=Whinny83;6203894]MY DH will not "let" me buy a horse because he sees it as a waste of money. He constantly complains about horses, even me looking at this forum. He says horses are like "crack" to me, and I have to get my fix. True story, but I don't see it as a bad thing. I feel he is just being controlling.QUOTE]

At the risk of being a spoilt bitch:rolleyes:, this is the bit that makes me inclined to wonder about OP's hubby. Maybe there should be a lot of LOLing in there, maybe DH is laughingly saying "Honeybuns, this horsie thing is like crack!" but as written, it looks nasty. Having someone who's close to you hold your hobby/passion/interest in such disdain that they kvetch about it endlessly is exhausting and at some point, it does become a control ploy, even if it started out as something else.

littleum
Mar. 18, 2012, 11:01 PM
Littleum- I see your point but the OP said she was feeling controlled and her husband has a problem with her even spending time on horse forums, that sends up red flags for me.

I MIGHT agree with you BUT...

The red flag for me was her saying "I don't want to lease because the horse can be sold out from under me" excuse. Anyone who's read these forums longer than a month will know 1) leases come in many colors and 2) LOTS of people have NO desire to sell but need to place a horse in a lease situation. To zero in on the sales angle makes no sense to me. I think she wants to own, not lease, and she's angry her husband will only go as far as leasing, especially when it's "her" money and she said that's what she wanted for a reward for this and that.

We also don't know how she is acting. She might be making all these big plans, the husband just sees dollar signs, and she's acting like she's going to do it, come hell, high water or $$$ ruin. He might just be spooked out of his mind and has proposed a solution that he hopes will let her get what she wants while being in a position to pull the plug if they're in too deep.

Could we consider the angle that the OP promised this to herself, has spooked her SO with intimidating plans and now is in a twist? Can we *consider* that angle?

I'm not sure why asking her to lease the first time out of the gate with him is such a big honking deal. To me his position seems way more reasonable than hers.

giantpony
Mar. 18, 2012, 11:01 PM
Wow, got some angry women here!

Sounds to me like the husband is willing to go as far as leasing, but is reluctant and afraid of getting in way over his head.

It may not be a control issue but a TRUST issue. He sees how passionate she is and doesn't TRUST her to "know when to say when" and is afraid they're going to get into a big $$$ mess. Hell, he's willing to go as far as leasing. Not like he's stonewalling her. Not like he's saying "one lesson a month and no more". He's saying "lease, don't buy"

This is totally reasonable and I HAVE BEEN THERE MYSELF WITH MY OWN HUSBAND! Mine is not a horsey SO (and never will be) but he sees I'm all about steering clear of $$ ruin, so big sigh of relief, carry on wife, carry on.

I wish the old women crew on this board would stop acting like every non-horsey SO that doesn't shut up and sit down is a controlling jerk. The bitterness well just overflows on posts like this. Maybe he's got legitimate concerns and just wants to make sure it's not going to fly off the rails. One or two good leases may easily ease all his concerns and situation solved.

Sometimes I wonder if a lot of the failure of horsey/non-horsey marriages are because the female part of the equation is really just a spoilt bitch who wants what she wants when she wants it.

Interesting that you found my post angry. I am not angry, bitter and I am certainly not spoiled. LOL! Nothing could be further from the truth!

I was only responding to the OP who actually said she felt he was being controlling.

Also, the OP states "He constantly complains about horses, even me looking at this forum. He says horses are like "crack" to me, and I have to get my fix." That just sounds unreasonable and controlling to me.

I just would not tolerate a PARTNER who dictated what I could and could not do with money I earned.

Just as I would hope my partner would not tolerate me telling them what they could and could not do with money they earned.

I don't ask my spouse for permission and don't expect to be asked for permission by my spouse. There might be discussion and negotiation, but never dictatorship.

Of course this is all assuming there IS disposable income and they are not scraping by, barely able to feed and house themselves.

GP

Bugs-n-Frodo
Mar. 18, 2012, 11:44 PM
My feeling is that you can have an SO/hubby that is non-horsey but still supportive. I had a husband who was like the OP's husband. He complained about the horses, CONSTANTLY blaming EVERY BAD THING THAT EVER HAPPENED on my horses (not on what turned out to be his expensive cocaine addiction) and constantly gave me grief over having the horses, being on horse boards and my time spent riding. That being said, our schedules were such that I worked early in the day, he worked later in the day, and while he was at work, THAT was when I rode, not when he was home. I tried very hard to make sure I was around when he was home, not at the barn.

I now have a non horsey SO who is supportive. He knows how important this is to be, and, while he knows how expensive it is, he would never think of asking me to quit. He understands my dedication and desire to be successful. We do not have a lot of money but he knows that this is what makes my world go around, as does he.

You are married, I would never say run, but this would be a huge red flag to me, having been in your shoes.

Trying2Event
Mar. 19, 2012, 12:09 AM
Wow, got some angry women here!

Sounds to me like the husband is willing to go as far as leasing, but is reluctant and afraid of getting in way over his head.

It may not be a control issue but a TRUST issue. He sees how passionate she is and doesn't TRUST her to "know when to say when" and is afraid they're going to get into a big $$$ mess. Hell, he's willing to go as far as leasing. Not like he's stonewalling her. Not like he's saying "one lesson a month and no more". He's saying "lease, don't buy"

This is totally reasonable and I HAVE BEEN THERE MYSELF WITH MY OWN HUSBAND! Mine is not a horsey SO (and never will be) but he sees I'm all about steering clear of $$ ruin, so big sigh of relief, carry on wife, carry on.

I wish the old women crew on this board would stop acting like every non-horsey SO that doesn't shut up and sit down is a controlling jerk. The bitterness well just overflows on posts like this. Maybe he's got legitimate concerns and just wants to make sure it's not going to fly off the rails. One or two good leases may easily ease all his concerns and situation solved.

Sometimes I wonder if a lot of the failure of horsey/non-horsey marriages are because the female part of the equation is really just a spoilt bitch who wants what she wants when she wants it.

You're the one who sounds angry. Lol. We're just being somewhat realistic.

The OP is not describing a run-of-the-mill resentment about a hobby. Let's be honest here, for a moment. When women get into horses, they GET into horses. It always starts with the best of intentions, but costs can fluctuate due to injury, goals, etc. Even if she lays out a well laid plan of finances, one hiccup in the financial structure will likely send him into a fit. Then its going to be the "Its the horse, or me" senerio. Well, she'll prolly pick the horse; so it's best to get rid of him now, or she'll pick him, which means horsey goes bye-bye.


"To the curb you must kick him"- Yoda

Ok. I made up that part. :)

Forgive my spelling errors. Im CoTH'ing and FB chatting at the same time. Badly.

giantpony
Mar. 19, 2012, 12:11 AM
"To the curb you must kick him"- Yoda

THAT made my night :) Thanks! :lol:
GP

Trying2Event
Mar. 19, 2012, 12:12 AM
[QUOTE=Whinny83;6203894]MY DH will not "let" me buy a horse because he sees it as a waste of money. He constantly complains about horses, even me looking at this forum. He says horses are like "crack" to me, and I have to get my fix. True story, but I don't see it as a bad thing. I feel he is just being controlling.QUOTE]

At the risk of being a spoilt bitch:rolleyes:, this is the bit that makes me inclined to wonder about OP's hubby. Maybe there should be a lot of LOLing in there, maybe DH is laughingly saying "Honeybuns, this horsie thing is like crack!" but as written, it looks nasty. Having someone who's close to you hold your hobby/passion/interest in such disdain that they kvetch about it endlessly is exhausting and at some point, it does become a control ploy, even if it started out as something else.

Geeeeenious!!

Trakehner
Mar. 19, 2012, 07:30 AM
We are only hearing one part of the story...pity the posters never get their SOs on the board to give their side of the story. There was a mag that had articles called, "He said, She said" showing both sides of the argument.

Maybe he's heard from other friends whose wife had "gone off the deep end" with horses. My ex-sister-in-law wanted just a nice cheap horse to play with. Her mother warned her daughter's husband, "Don't let her get a horse!!!" He wanted to be supportive and a nice simple horse was bought...and a truck and trailer to head to shows and a ton of other stuff. Soon, she'd leave for the barn when he was going to work (no kids, no job) and she'd stop for take-out on her way home, not always beating him home. A divorce followed a year later. Don't think he doesn't tell friends the story of his ex-wife.

Husband could have also read COTH forum and the lots of complaints about, "horrid controlling husbands, stealing her joy away and if he LUVVED her he'd get out of the way of her happiness with horses...etc. etc. etc." That'd sure scare him off.

Need both sides of the story. Complaints about "controlling" behaviour might also be, "he's the adult and is getting in my way of having what I want".

bumknees
Mar. 19, 2012, 07:53 AM
Or she can tell her husband well Im going to buy a horse like it or lump it. Im over 18 an adult I do not need your approval. We can afford it ( assuming they can). BTW already bought one so get over it. Im off to the barn have a nice afternoon. the proceed ot walk out the door to vehicle( lock doors) and drive away.

If he blows defend self. If he stand there with jaw on ground oh well continue to walk to vehicle and go to barn have fun with horse.
If he tries to harm when you get home and be prepaired for somethign to occure if he is that type of person. be ready to defend self and ready to make calls needed.

Bu yeah we do need both sides of story. But the above is what I would do.. Actually even with my semi horsie dh is what I have done.. though i do not fer my dh would ever think of even raising hand or anything to me. He jst shakes head and says have fun... and gives me a kiss on forehead..

Whinny83
Mar. 19, 2012, 09:02 AM
Wow, lots of replies. I appreciate everyone's input. I'll attempt to respond to everytthing...

As for the lease being an excuse, of course it is. :) I do want a horse of my own, and dealing with sharing a horse can be frustrating at times. (I'm sure I just haven't found the right lease.) That, and the leases I picked up were half-leases, on a month to month contract. Again, my fault for not getting a specific timeframe in contract. Lesson learned there. I don't mind leasing for another year or so, but for him to give me a "NO, you will never have a horse" speech is a little much.

For the finance part, I would never put our finances in jeopardy. We both grew up really poor (I was a working student to afford horses then), and have since become relatively successful. We're not rich, but we have no debt other than a mortgage; we have savings and retirement funds. I suspect his fear of becoming destitute is part of the problem, even though it is not a threat on the horizon. We would also be fine if one of us lost a job.

Also, the controlling part started when I began with the once a week lessons. I would take a lesson after work, and he would text asking where I was 30 min after lesson concluded. He made me feel guilty for being at the barn so I started taking lessons early in the morning on weekends so it wouldn't disrupt our time together. The the lease came along, and three days a week at the barn became an issue. I get out of work at 4:30 and would be home by 7 (after going to barn), which I felt was a reasonable compromise.

I need a new helmet and half chaps..so I said I was going to purchase them after bills were paid. He asked why I need them and generally fussed about it. Mind you, he is not controlling in any other area. If i wanted to go spend $300 on clothes or whatever, he wouldn't say anything. It's just with horses. I have never said he couldn't buy anything. He asks if i care if he makes a purchase, and I say, Of course not.

Oh, I'm not a spoilt B***h either, but I could see how people would think that. Veruca Salt comes to mind, "I want a golden goose, and I want it now!" I actually cut back on my personal frivolous expenses (hair, clothes, lunches, etc.) so that the lease expense would go unnoticed from our account. I am definitely trying to compromise, but I become disheartened when he is so dismissive about my passion.

Thanks for all your responses. :)

johnnysauntie
Mar. 19, 2012, 09:12 AM
I was in your boat ... and am now on horse number 3. :) Like you, I pull a lot of financial weight in the household budget

After taking lessons and volunteering at a rescue, as I neared 40, I decided it was time to finally make good on that childhood dream of owning my own horse.

However, I knew that "Hey, I want to buy a horse, Honey" would never ever fly.

So I did thorough research on costs (start up and ongoing) of horse ownership. Against those costs, I ran a very thorough analysis of our budget, breaking down our savings, investments and household expenses very thoroughly. Finally, I thought through as many of the "what if's" as I could. What if the horse is injured? What if the injury is career ending? What if I lose my job? etc.

I then put every thing together in a "business case" type document. Laid it all out there so he could see, understand and question. Costs, our budget with and without horse (so he could see at the end of the day that the impact was minimal) risks, etc.

He bit. I got a horse! After a few years, when horse #1 had to be retired, I leased another, and eventually purchased the one I have now. He is not thrilled but knows it makes me indescribably happy. He' is afraid of horses, hasn't even met the newest one, and thinks that that what I do (poor attempts at low level dressage) is dangerous. But he's as supportive as I need him to be, which suits me fine.


I do try to be very respectful of our time together. He travels a lot for work. I never ride on Fridays - that is "our night" and I make a point of not coming home late for dinner and filthy on Fridays. On the weekends, though, when he's lounging around watching sports, I have no problem taking off to ride. He's accepted it.

Regarding the controlling behavior (e.g. texting you 30 minutes after your lesson is over) were I you, before I even broach buying a horse, I would tackle that. Is he jealous you have a hobby about which you're passionate? Can you encourage him to pursue an interest of his (and be relentlessly supportive?) I would ask him point blank what's going on. Or, tell him "I'm going to watch another rider have a lesson," or "I'm hanging out with the other women here cleaning tack and gabbing." Maybe if he understands it's social too that may help? Just some ideas.

Good luck!

katarine
Mar. 19, 2012, 02:34 PM
I'm not angry at all. My marriage is sound and our finances are blended.

This is about respect. If you didn't tell him you were going to fiddle around at the barn after the lesson, the text of "hey where are you" can also be read as "just checking in...I hope you are ok, and aren't in a ditch somewhere" I don't know which one it is but if you feel guilty about time you spend on yourself, only you know if that is in your head, his head, or both.

You seem to consistently guess at how to please him. Why not sit down, no tv, and discuss a horse plan that suits everyone. Collaborate and document what the budge is (meaning you get a HORSE budget and he gets his own PLAY budget and there's nothing to discuss inside those numbers, it's your $$) vs compromising and guessing and hoping it's ok.

Again I'm not angry, heck I was the one who had horses when I met DH and now he owns two and I only have one :)

Tapperjockey
Mar. 19, 2012, 03:02 PM
Wow, lots of replies. I appreciate everyone's input. I'll attempt to respond to everytthing...

As for the lease being an excuse, of course it is. :) I do want a horse of my own, and dealing with sharing a horse can be frustrating at times. (I'm sure I just haven't found the right lease.) That, and the leases I picked up were half-leases, on a month to month contract. Again, my fault for not getting a specific timeframe in contract. Lesson learned there. I don't mind leasing for another year or so, but for him to give me a "NO, you will never have a horse" speech is a little much.

For the finance part, I would never put our finances in jeopardy. We both grew up really poor (I was a working student to afford horses then), and have since become relatively successful. We're not rich, but we have no debt other than a mortgage; we have savings and retirement funds. I suspect his fear of becoming destitute is part of the problem, even though it is not a threat on the horizon. We would also be fine if one of us lost a job.

Also, the controlling part started when I began with the once a week lessons. I would take a lesson after work, and he would text asking where I was 30 min after lesson concluded. He made me feel guilty for being at the barn so I started taking lessons early in the morning on weekends so it wouldn't disrupt our time together. The the lease came along, and three days a week at the barn became an issue. I get out of work at 4:30 and would be home by 7 (after going to barn), which I felt was a reasonable compromise.

I need a new helmet and half chaps..so I said I was going to purchase them after bills were paid. He asked why I need them and generally fussed about it. Mind you, he is not controlling in any other area. If i wanted to go spend $300 on clothes or whatever, he wouldn't say anything. It's just with horses. I have never said he couldn't buy anything. He asks if i care if he makes a purchase, and I say, Of course not.

Oh, I'm not a spoilt B***h either, but I could see how people would think that. Veruca Salt comes to mind, "I want a golden goose, and I want it now!" I actually cut back on my personal frivolous expenses (hair, clothes, lunches, etc.) so that the lease expense would go unnoticed from our account. I am definitely trying to compromise, but I become disheartened when he is so dismissive about my passion.

Thanks for all your responses. :)

That could very well be....

Maybe he feels less pressure with the lease. Buying a horse is a 30-40 year commitment.. no matter what. If both of you lost your jobs tomorrow, or were in a car accident and can't work, etc.. it's a lot less pressure if you can return the horse (which with a lease you can).. And I can definitely see where that would appeal to someone, especially if they've experienced financial struggles before.

SmartAlex
Mar. 19, 2012, 03:43 PM
Also, the controlling part started when I began with the once a week lessons. I would take a lesson after work, and he would text asking where I was 30 min after lesson concluded. He made me feel guilty for being at the barn so I started taking lessons early in the morning on weekends so it wouldn't disrupt our time together. The the lease came along, and three days a week at the barn became an issue. I get out of work at 4:30 and would be home by 7 (after going to barn), which I felt was a reasonable compromise.


This gives me the creeps. Sounds just like how the end of my first marriage began. JUST like it. I remember one time my horse pulled a shoe when I was riding. I called my husband, explained what happened and that I needed to drive to my mother's to pick up an easy boot to put on the horse until the farrier could come. I told him I would be half an hour late getting home. His reply "Then don't do it."

And of course I told him it wasn't negotiable, the horse needed proper care. I was simply going to be half an hour late and he would have to wait that much longer to get his supper. It only got worse from there.

Those of us who have been subject to control and emotional manipulation come by our anger and resentment pretty honestly.

Monica67
Mar. 19, 2012, 04:10 PM
You say it is only about horses he has control issues over? I am willing to bet if you take a closer look at other aspects of your relationship you may find other areas where you have compromised to keep the peace.

The fact that you already compromised on haircuts, lunches etc. to HIDE the cost of the lease raises some red flags.

Whinny83
Mar. 19, 2012, 04:59 PM
That could very well be....

Maybe he feels less pressure with the lease. Buying a horse is a 30-40 year commitment.. no matter what. If both of you lost your jobs tomorrow, or were in a car accident and can't work, etc.. it's a lot less pressure if you can return the horse (which with a lease you can).. And I can definitely see where that would appeal to someone, especially if they've experienced financial struggles before.

I do think that is part of it...the commitment to a horse, the potential for injury/illness (me and horse), the general costs, what if we lost our jobs and the fact that I don't get anything out of it. For example, I would never make money riding, therefore it is a wasted activity. He asked what the end goal is--I said to be a good rider and have a partnership with a horse, the same thing most riders want.

Whinny83
Mar. 19, 2012, 05:01 PM
I will also the approach of laying out all expenses in a cost/benefit analysis type of presentation, and see where that goes. :)

SmartAlex
Mar. 19, 2012, 06:52 PM
I will also the approach of laying out all expenses in a cost/benefit analysis type of presentation, and see where that goes. :)

This is a good approach. He needs to know you have your head in this and that you won't let your "addiction" lead to financial ruin. In the recent economy, you can't blame him for stressing over the "what ifs".

Even my husband has attacks of the "what ifs" What if my health detiorates? What if you lose your job? What if we can't afford health insurance? What if the Mayans were right and the earth is ending 12/21/12?

Then he'll balance it with a nice run of "you can't take it with you" let's spend it.

rodawn
Mar. 19, 2012, 07:13 PM
. . . . .

He knew I loved horses before we married, and I told him I would be buying a horse once I finished my MBA and got a higher paying gig. So I did all that, and once he realized the cost of horse ownership, he changed his mind.

This is the part that got me.

The OP clearly told her husband - I'm a horse nut, I will have a horse again.

He agreed because he married her.

Now that she's kept her own promise, he wants to reneg on the deal.

Sorry, I side with the OP.

She's making good money. It's her hobby. He can get his own hobby if he wants one, but he can stop controlling her or preventing her from having a hobby.

Mayaty02
Mar. 19, 2012, 07:46 PM
I have a non-horsey husband as well, and he met me because of horses and I flat out told him from the get go, I would have a horse again and that this was part of my life. I went a good 15 yrs knowing him and not being involved in horses and then after my kids were born, it became important for me to have MY thing again, some away time for me. He had no issues with it. Now our 9 yr old daughter rides and while he will never say, no she cannot, or no you can't do this, he does not want to know anything about it. he doesn't want to hear about it, he wants to ensure that when we are all together as a family (i.e. not at horse shows), he gets some quality time with us. He knows I work my butt off to pay for my daughters riding and it does not negatively affect our finances because of it.

That said, he never asks me about it, has only been to one horse show of my daughters in 2 yrs and has no idea what pony(ies) my daughter rides. That is his choosing and I'm fine with it because he told me he doenst like horses from the get go, and I told him I'd have one. We've both held our side of the bargain.

Reading OPs story, I definitely feel like there is a control issue there, and a jealousy. I'd be sensitive to that aspect. It is something you do entirely on your own and it makes you very happy, it's easy for a man to feel inferior or jealous in that situation.

ACP
Mar. 19, 2012, 08:33 PM
Oh boy, this situation raises a bunch of red flags for me.

The first one is your choice of verbage. "He won't let me...." Sheesh, woman, this is 2012, not 1912. You don't have to have his permission to go ride a horse. Woman up, and hold him to his promise. Enough said.

SMF11
Mar. 19, 2012, 08:47 PM
Or she can tell her husband well Im going to buy a horse like it or lump it. Im over 18 an adult I do not need your approval. We can afford it ( assuming they can). BTW already bought one so get over it. Im off to the barn have a nice afternoon. the proceed ot walk out the door to vehicle( lock doors) and drive away.


This is along the lines of what I would do. My husband does not get to decide how I express my horse passion -- I am a responsible adult and would not do anything to cause financial harm, and that being said, *I* get to make that decision.

(And he gets to make decisions that affect his passion/interests).

No one is letting you or not letting you except yourself.

I think if you do the spreadsheet/numbers thing and he still objects that will tell you that his objection has little to do with money and a lot to do with another issue (like controlling you).

Dr. Doolittle
Mar. 19, 2012, 09:38 PM
Agree with the posters who are supporting the OP, your requests are completely reasonable, he is being an intractable ass about it. JMHO.

Off to hug my wonderful, horse tolerating, supportive hubby--I had NO idea he would be this way when I married him, 21 years ago (I had been out of horses for awhile), but he has stood by me with this horse thing, all the way. He actually encouraged me to get *back* into it when I was given an opportunity to teach again (and encouraged me to buy a FOAL, of all things), even after I warned him about what he was getting himself into. REPEATEDLY. VIGOROUSLY. With vivid, ugly stories (silly stupid man, he wouldn't listen.)

All of this revealed a great deal to me about what kind of man he was.

Marriage is never easy, even on its best day; it's about acceptance, compromise, and encouraging the spouse to live life in a way that will make him/her happy, while shoring them up (in tough times), and supporting them. Is he accepting you, encouraging your passions, and behaving like a mature partner? Or is he trying to control the situation (in a rigid and parental way) by telling you what you are and are NOT allowed to do with your time and money?

And shitting on your passions in the process?

Only you can sort this through, and act accordingly. Good luck to you!

Whinny83
Mar. 19, 2012, 09:41 PM
This is along the lines of what I would do. My husband does not get to decide how I express my horse passion -- I am a responsible adult and would not do anything to cause financial harm, and that being said, *I* get to make that decision.

(And he gets to make decisions that affect his passion/interests).

No one is letting you or not letting you except yourself.

I think if you do the spreadsheet/numbers thing and he still objects that will tell you that his objection has little to do with money and a lot to do with another issue (like controlling you).

That's gonna be the litmus test for me. I think men believe women make decisions based on emotions (generalizing here), and a logical/analytical approach from me will take that out of the picture. I put "let" in quotes because of how ridiculous it is to think that I am being controlled. Im trying not to be spoiled and demanding and take into account his feelings. However, it is getting old. I guess I need to find out if this is simply his insecurity over money or being a controlling ***. Either way horses will never disappear from my life again. It killed me to give them up when I was in the military and finishing school.

Tapperjockey
Mar. 19, 2012, 09:44 PM
This is the part that got me.

The OP clearly told her husband - I'm a horse nut, I will have a horse again.

He agreed because he married her.

Now that she's kept her own promise, he wants to reneg on the deal.

Sorry, I side with the OP.

She's making good money. It's her hobby. He can get his own hobby if he wants one, but he can stop controlling her or preventing her from having a hobby.

Yeah.. but she didn't tell him the costs. She said he clearly became against it, when he found out what the costs of horse ownership were.

It would be like marrying someone who says they like to occasionally gamble... and you you think they mean buy a few lottery tickets on payday..

and then finding out that to them occasionally is 3x week for 120.00, and additional 500 or so in one shot once a month, and once a year or so blowing a few grand.

Prime Time Rider
Mar. 19, 2012, 10:02 PM
Wow, got some angry women here!

I wish the old women crew on this board would stop acting like every non-horsey SO that doesn't shut up and sit down is a controlling jerk. The bitterness well just overflows on posts like this. Maybe he's got legitimate concerns and just wants to make sure it's not going to fly off the rails. One or two good leases may easily ease all his concerns and situation solved.

Sometimes I wonder if a lot of the failure of horsey/non-horsey marriages are because the female part of the equation is really just a spoilt bitch who wants what she wants when she wants it.

If the OP didn't work and didn't earn any of the money contributing to the household, I might agree slightly with your statement. However, that is not the case in this situation. The OP earns a good living, contributes more money to the household budget than her husband, and yet you're suggesting that she's "just a spoilt bitch who wants what she wants when she wants it"?:(

Suppose her husband wants to buy (not lease) an expensive boat? Do you actually think most husbands would ask their wife's permission to buy a boat? If the wife said no, would the husband be a spoilt SOB who wants what he wants when he wants it?

My best friend was in a similar situation. A few years ago she went ahead and bought a horse (relatively inexpensively, about 10K) despite her husband's objections. Last year my dear friend was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer and two days ago she found out that the cancer has come back and it's inoperable.

Thank God she bought the horse over her husband's objections. Lesson learned: life is short, go after what you want today because you don't know how many tomorrows you might have.

ThirdCharm
Mar. 19, 2012, 10:15 PM
You say it is only about horses he has control issues over? I am willing to bet if you take a closer look at other aspects of your relationship you may find other areas where you have compromised to keep the peace.

The fact that you already compromised on haircuts, lunches etc. to HIDE the cost of the lease raises some red flags.

At least he's honest about it. Better than a SO who just gathers ammo under cover of being supportive, then when you least expect it drops the whole bundle of resentment on you at once because there's no Pepsi in the fridge. I.e. "I'll bet if the GD horses wanted Pepsi they'd have it".

Real conversation and I run a boarding barn for a living and make enough between that, training, and shoeing, that SO pays less than half the household bills (particularly if you add in his 2 horses that I board for free), so it is like saying "I'll bet if your boss wanted you to DO YOUR JOB you'd do it".

Jennifer

Tapperjockey
Mar. 19, 2012, 10:15 PM
If the OP didn't work and didn't earn any of the money contributing to the household, I might agree slightly with your statement. However, that is not the case in this situation. The OP earns a good living, contributes more money to the household budget than her husband, and yet you're suggesting that she's "just a spoilt bitch who wants what she wants when she wants it"?:(

Suppose her husband wants to buy (not lease) an expensive boat? Do you actually think most husbands would ask their wife's permission to buy a boat? If the wife said no, would the husband be a spoilt SOB who wants what he wants when he wants it?

My best friend was in a similar situation. A few years ago she went ahead and bought a horse (relatively inexpensively, about 10K) despite her husband's objections. Last year my dear friend was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer and two days ago she found out that the cancer has come back and it's inoperable.

Thank God she bought the horse over her husband's objections. Lesson learned: life is short, go after what you want today because you don't know how many tomorrows you might have.

10k is Inexpensive?

If my SO spent 10k without my knowledge/consent.. I would not have a problem with it. I also would not have an SO any longer. He makes more than I, we split the bills. We also think about down the road.. vacations that we want to take, home improvements that need to be made, etc. If he were so selfish as to not discuss a major purchase like that.. I would not longer be able to trust him. And without trust, what's the point of being in a relationship. And I don't care if he had 3 months to live and it was his last wish... he damn well better discuss it with me and make sure we are on the same page before purchasing it.

Especially a horse.

That's like bringing home another member to the family.

Do people adopt kids without discussing it with their spouse? Get most pets? Of course not. If you agree to spend your life with someone, then you would (hopefully/ideally) have explained some of your lifestyle choices and burdens to them (including the money incinerator).. and if things change (or you want them to) you discuss it.

By not explaining how much she expected the horse to cost, and giving her husband the chance to opt out of that lifestyle, the OP essentially lied by omission.

Whinny83
Mar. 19, 2012, 10:18 PM
Yeah.. but she didn't tell him the costs. She said he clearly became against it, when he found out what the costs of horse ownership were.

It would be like marrying someone who says they like to occasionally gamble... and you you think they mean buy a few lottery tickets on payday..

and then finding out that to them occasionally is 3x week for 120.00, and additional 500 or so in one shot once a month, and once a year or so blowing a few grand.

I did tell him that its a pretty expensive sport, just never gave a dollar amount. He didn't seem too concerned, which is why I was surprised when I got so much pushback. And I would never jeopardize financial stability for us, hence the reason I held off until school was complete and I secured a stable, wellpaying job.-

Prime Time Rider
Mar. 19, 2012, 11:10 PM
$10k is fairly cheap for a WB hunter (which actually turned out to be a jumper). I didn't say that she lied to her husband, I said that she bought the horse (with her money, I might add) over her husband's objections.

Tapperjockey
Mar. 20, 2012, 01:19 AM
I did tell him that its a pretty expensive sport, just never gave a dollar amount. He didn't seem too concerned, which is why I was surprised when I got so much pushback. And I would never jeopardize financial stability for us, hence the reason I held off until school was complete and I secured a stable, wellpaying job.-

Expensive is relative.

Prime Time Rider thinks 10k is inexpensive for instance.

I don't agree. I think that's a lot of money.

He may have been thinking you were looking at a 500.00 horse and 50.00 lessons once a week... there are horses for giveaway all over the place after all. Economy is not the strongest, etc. That's would be very different than you buying a 10k horse and paying 1200.00/mo in board/training, etc. If someone is not involved in horses, or other hobbies that are expensive, then they don't get that until you lay it out for them. And unlike most hobbies where there are levels of expense (i.e. I can pay 20.00/week and shoot 20 games of pool with a bar cue.. or I can buy a pool table for 2000.00 and a stick for 2000.00 and play pool), horses are all expensive. Even at the cheapest/lowest levels, they are more than most people would consider discretionary spending for a hobby.

Coanteen
Mar. 20, 2012, 01:36 AM
Also, the controlling part started when I began with the once a week lessons. I would take a lesson after work, and he would text asking where I was 30 min after lesson concluded. He made me feel guilty for being at the barn so I started taking lessons early in the morning on weekends so it wouldn't disrupt our time together. The the lease came along, and three days a week at the barn became an issue.

This isn't about money at the core. He doesn't care if you spend $300 on (non-horsey) clothes because non-horsey clothes don't regularly take you away from him for hours at a time. He cared so bloody much about a weekly lesson even before you were leasing because it's time away from him. That's what he's really controlling - not finances, your time.

If you had another time-intensive away-from-home hobby, even a cheap one, you'd be running into the same issue.

bumknees
Mar. 20, 2012, 06:44 AM
Dh and I have been married for over 20 yrs. He had done his time in the military. He knows that if I need ( and yes we all know that to some if not most of us here horses are a need) a horse he can do little to stop that need from happening. He just says it is cheaper than a shrink...
something my parents could never understand..

The OP has served her time both figertivily and literally. In the service, in school sweat and tears working hard to get to where she is earning what she earns. The illness ''test'' for me doesnt hold water for many reasons that I will not go into ... TO me she has earned the horse she wants/needs. It will make her happy. And how dare her husband try to stand in her way.

I'd bet a dime( ask anyone who knows me I never bet more than a dime even if I have it) he would go out in a NY second if he had a passion and spend every cent he could on it in the hopes of leaving her home to clean home.

op I still say go out get the horse you find can rid fall in love with passes the ppe then inform not ask not anything other than inform husband of hte purchase...
lol my dh not my current horse but my last one he was not home when I got him called me on my bday before he said happy birthday or hello he asked how tall, what color, what breed, mare or gelding? and what age did I get you for your bday? That is how well he knows me.. I did not even tell him I was looking... The horse had arrived the night before at around 11 pm... and dh had not been home for almost a year.. So no way could he even have a clue I was even looking or thinking of looking let alone had gotten one...

But I have a history his first deployment he came home to a kitty, 2nd a dog, 3rd another kitty ( no we did not have all the critters at same time.. and no that particular horse was not the first horse either)...