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View Full Version : Inlaws & grandkids, how to deal with less than kind inlaws



allalone
Mar. 18, 2012, 09:23 PM
My husband & I are expecting our first child this Sept. we have not told his family yet as we were waiting until we were through the first trimester. Now that we're safely through the first trimester my husband has decided to tell his family next time we see them in person which will be the end of this month. I'm having near anxiety attacks at the thought of his family knowing. My husbands family has made it well known they don't like me, and although it's been extremely hard to accept I have learned to live with this. Now that a child will be brought into this whole drama I'm a wreck. I know they will love & accept this child, but me, not so much. I feel horrible but I'm already going into the protective mode & told my husband I don't want his family around our child unless I'm present. Anyone else having to deal with inlaws & husbands families that dislike you & how did you deal when you have a child now involved in the mix. Thank you for reading and for any suggestions or support.

ohrebecca
Mar. 18, 2012, 09:25 PM
That sounds like a tough situation, I'm really sorry :( I can't really offer any words of advice, but totally understand the protective mode (I'm also due in September). Sending you hugs and positive thoughts. Maybe this will bring them closer to you? Have they ever made it clear WHY they don't like you? That's so sad :(

saddleup
Mar. 18, 2012, 09:29 PM
How close are they to you geographically?

If they're close, can you move???? Just kidding, but you are the "gatekeeper" to your child. You have the power, so use it. No uninvited visits, no keys to the house, etc.

Deal with them on your terms. If they behave badly toward you, be less available to them. It's not mean. It's not petty. It's protecting yourself from hostile people.

Alagirl
Mar. 18, 2012, 09:30 PM
Time to unleash the moma bear a bit early.

Use the hormones wisely.;)

No, they don't have to like you.
You don't have to like them.

Distance makes the heart much fonder anyhow.

However, Make sure you set your ground rules. Smile and make a list of the potent potables you will consume in their honor once the youngon is weaned! :cool:

You are going t be a MOM!!!
You will be AMAZED at what all you can do! :yes:
Telling some snobbish in-laws to go to heck, pft, no big deal!

You are totally within your rights to be exeedingly b*tchy about who you let interact and how with your precious baby.
You should be perfectly alright as long as your DH is on board and supports you.

Oh glorious pregnancy hormones! :D

headsupheelsdown
Mar. 18, 2012, 09:48 PM
Congratulations!! Being a Mom is the best!!

allalone
Mar. 18, 2012, 10:01 PM
They are the type that enjoy being in everyone's business, enjoy gossiping about others, even their own family members aren't off limits, just basically are a miserable lot of people. My husband moved to my town when we got married which is two hours away from his family. This is basically when it all began 15 years ago & has just gone downhill from there. His mom made duplicates of our house keys for everyone in their family without our permission, I've caught my father in law going through my purse, mother in law went through my husband's checkbook when we were engaged to see what he spent on the ring then chastised him for spending so much. Don't even get me started on my husband's siblings, ugh!! One time I sat down to eat dinner with them and his sister ran from the room crying because apparently I was sitting in her chair, she was 40 years old at the time! His other sister has openly admitted to my husband she resents me for taking him from their family. My husband is free to come & go as he pleases, we have a farm and a life now here and can't always just drop everything nor do we want to, to go up there every weekend like they expect. His brother has no backbone and follows the rest of the families lead, I actually thought I had developed a good relationship with him until he defriended me on Facebook over another family tiff and then a day later wanted to refriend me. I didn't refriend him, I'm not into all the crazy twisted family drama they bring and prefer to keep my distance & now that a child is on the way they will expect us to visit them more or open our home to them and I actually want to vomit at that thought of it!! My husband takes friends up now when he goes to visit his family while I stay home to tend to our farm & I like it just fine this way, but I'm always amazed how his family is quick to welcome anyone my husband takes up there with open arms but can't give me the time of day. Once my husband's brother called me and asked why I wouldn't let my husband go to a baseball game with them, that their dad asked him to call me. I went off on him saying I'm sick & tired of the family believing I don't allow my husband to come & go as he chooses and make his own decisions that maybe just maybe he's a grown man that has his own life and other things he prefers to be doing that day! That went over like fart in a spacesuit. And his whole family is a bunch of Holy Rollers, so they're forever tooting their own horns about how much they do for everyone, each year their Xmas letter is two pages long brag about all they do for others, sigh, just wish they'd live like christians. I just know they're going to insist on throwing a big baby shower for us and I already told my husband he can go but I refuse to sit in a house full of people that dispise me just so they can make themselves look good in front of their friends and other family members. My mother in law is always playing the card to that we need to rush up there because someone is dying, that is getting old too. Sorry to go on and go, I could write a book, trust me. They truly are a great source of anxiety for me and use to cause much turmoil in our marriage until my husband began to see how they treated me. He's been great by standing by me but on occasion he'll still defend them and I'm worried he'll become soft on his stance with them once a baby is here. This is the whole reason I've waited until I was 39 to have a baby with my husband, I just never wanted to bring a baby into this mess. I want to enjoy this special time so badly but knowing what lies ahead with my husbands family is a constant dread in my chest.

ACP
Mar. 18, 2012, 10:12 PM
You have a problem. Actually, I think you have two problems. One is your husband's family. The second problem is your husband. He should have handled this by now. He's got to stand up to them and tell them that there are limits.

I have a question. How did his mom get keys to your house, anyway? Did he give her a key, or did she steal one? This is an important question for you to consider.

Marengo
Mar. 18, 2012, 10:19 PM
Hey OP, boy do I know where you're coming from. I also have close relations with people of this sort and I'm expecting as well. I stressed a lot over telling them too, I'm still not sure how it will all play out but I do know that no one has a right to be in my life. It sure sucks having family relations that add stress instead of being a source of support, especially at a time like this.

I found the blog below helpful in understanding what might make these negative, energy draining people tick. PM me if you ever would like to.

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.co.nz/2006/08/narcissists-suck.html

Alagirl
Mar. 18, 2012, 10:19 PM
Start a brewing business and do write that book.
Maybe you can sell it to make a TV show, drama or sitcom, either way.

And do change the locks on the house, plus get a really big dog. :lol:

allalone
Mar. 18, 2012, 10:21 PM
We let his brother have our keys to stay at our place while we were away because he had an interview near by. This was years ago while we were living in an apartment, anyhow, we said we'll get the key back from him when we get back. Well when we got back we come to find out hubby's mother took it upon herself to make a set of keys for everyone. My husband insisted she was trying to be helpful but I said she overstepped boundaries & should've asked first. I was not raised like this but my husband said his family is "close" and I'm just not use to the way he he grew up. He use to always make excuses for them but he has eventually come around to see their behavior is NOT normal. I told him go to work and ask your coworkers if they thought it was normal & he began to see it's not. I realize they're still his family & I treat them with respect out of love for my husband but that's as far as it goes.

Alagirl
Mar. 18, 2012, 10:27 PM
I am sorry, I am very inapropriatly skickering at your blight while drinking the good stuff you can't have for another 6+ month...:lol:

But yeah, you should indeed write that book.

I mean, I can generally think myself very well into another person. But some people I just look at them after the :eek: has worn off, nothing but the :confused::confused::confused: remains.

What a dolt the brother is for giving mother the keys to your house!

Good gawd, make your will and appoint a guardian for your child that is not from his family! The poor worm deserves a fighting chance in life!

Ok, I am overstepping it right now.

But you have my fullest sympathy...
(and I thought my MIL was bad when she insisted on unpacking my kitchen junk when we moved to our last house...)

RoseBud143
Mar. 18, 2012, 10:33 PM
First, Congratulations!!!!

2nd, I know exactly where u are coming from, and it had gotten to the point that I told my DH that I was not comfortable ever having kids with him with his mother and brother in the picture... This may sound harsh to some, but there is a lot of history there and she is an absolutely morbid person. I am thankful every day she wasn't the one that has tje influence on him and raised him.

My husband and I are deeply in love and cannot wait to start a family, which ee hope to do in the next year or two. I never thought I would be that person who said me or them... And I was fine with contact with them as.long as I didn't have to be in the same room with her... But a few.months ago it got out of hand, and unfortunately he made the decision to cut off contact before I had to even bring it up.

Anyway you look at it, its hard, and really sucks. You want that extended family, but its not worth the heart ache- I'm not sure yout exact situation or how the inlaws treat their son, bit my MIL- no Father in law is a horrible selfish person who treats her son like sh*t and I can't be around it cuz I wont stand for it....

Before communication stopped, I even looked up grand parent laws in my state.... B.c as you mentioned, the mear thought of her touching anything I love makes me see red, and as much as you would want to think they would never treat the child any differently or say something inappropriate, their personal feelings are still there. I just would never want that person around to influence my child.. and if you can't treat me with respect, you have no right to see my child. Errhhggggg.

Very emotional topic...

Ad my mother has said, (after a recent event where said MIL made a surprised and obviously in invited trip to my barn to see my horse, telling the BO that she was meeting me there and just wanted to know which was mine.... Um NO! Thank god BO knows about crazy lady and that i had already discussed with them I had to work that day...so she was obviously up to no good.. I went bat poop crazy to say the least....so as my mom said... She goes on the no pick up list for all schools and events.

Sorry. I probably wasn't much help, but I fully understand where you are coming from and it sucks...but at least you are not alone and there are people who empathy.

Posted with my cell phone so please excuse the typos ot auto corrects I may have missed....;)

Trying2Event
Mar. 18, 2012, 10:48 PM
Move. FAR, FAR away.

Hopefully you married a man with a backbone, and hopefully you discussed (and agreed) about not having these people around your child loooooong before you got pregnant.

Good luck

allalone
Mar. 18, 2012, 11:23 PM
Hey Alagirl, glad there's some good entertainment coming from all of this, lol! Sometimes when I sit back & think of all the things that they've done over the years I think there's no way this can be real but it is. And as far as you being upset your MIL insisted on unpacking your kitchen, I had that happen too when we moved in our first place. We got in a heated discussion whether I could unpack my new plates or her son's duck dishes she had gotten him when he was in college, I ended up getting to keep my dishes but she huffed & puffed the rest of the day. When we first got married they showed up every weekend at our tiny apartment with their overnight bags & slept in our bed while we slept on the floor, talk about the honeymoon period being way over!! Hubby never wanted to rock the boat with his family but has finally grown "a pair", praise the lord!! Somedays he has relapses and I have to ask him to look a certain situation from the outside. Trust me, I'm counting down the days until I can have a drink, lol!! I've talked with my mother and she's already on patrol duty at the hospital when it's time for us to deliver. My parents know everything that has happened & try to be supportive without interferring. I am really worried about my mother in law coming down while I'm at work in the summers because my husband is off, he's a teacher. I can just see her using that time to come in & take over my wee one. My mother is retiring to become our daycare & has tried to reassure me my mother in law will not have contact with our child unless I'm there or have given permission. Last summer I came home to find my mother in law had been at our house all day with my husband & she made herself right at home. Funny when I'm home she won't even get out of the car or even think about coming in the house, she acts so stupid about things. While I was at work she redid my whole bathroom to match theirs, she even went as far as to replace my toothpaste with the brand she likes! My brother in law has a bedroom permantmently set up for his parents complete with his mother's high school picture on the night stand, no wonder the man's still single!!!

Alagirl
Mar. 18, 2012, 11:26 PM
Move. FAR, FAR away.

Hopefully you married a man with a backbone, and hopefully you discussed (and agreed) about not having these people around your child loooooong before you got pregnant.

Good luck


yep.

Have hubby take a job teaching english to kids in Japan or something!

OP, I am jingling for you! :)

You can do it Charlie Brown! ;)

allalone
Mar. 18, 2012, 11:28 PM
Thanks Alagirl!! I appreciate the jingles!!

Hampton Bay
Mar. 18, 2012, 11:36 PM
I am in the process of divorcing my husband with the family that's similar to yours. I just couldn't do it. The difference was that he also had some meth addicts, etc added in there, that we lived next to for 1.5 years, and he would always side with the family over me. I finally had enough of it, among other things.

No advice, but I know how much it sucks dealing with awful in-laws.

Alagirl
Mar. 18, 2012, 11:47 PM
Thanks Alagirl!! I appreciate the jingles!!


Somehow your story reminds of this one lady I met a while back.
"My MIL was like marie from Everybody loves Raymond" she told me one time "just not as nice" :eek::lol::eek::lol::eek:

Many hugs!

allalone
Mar. 18, 2012, 11:59 PM
Hampton Bay, I am sorry to hear you had to deal with awful in-laws & are going through a divorce, my heart goes out to you. I literally pray each day that our marriage is strong enough to take on this new challenge with a little one on the way & his family. I'm not overly religious so I feel guilty doing it. My husband has come around & tries but sometimes he does fall back into his old ways of telling me to "let it go" and brushing off his families behavior. I have made a hard decision that I if he doesn't stand by me concerning the welfare of our child that I will leave him, it's not healthy for me or our child. Although it's a no win situation, because if we would divorce, when my husband would have our child I'm sure it would be around his family more than if I were still in the picture. I just don't want our child to see us fight and have to live like that. For the past few years though my husband has been supportive and understanding and has stood up to his family, I just hope he continues to be the husband & father I need him to be.

laskiblue
Mar. 19, 2012, 12:00 AM
Your husband's family is not "close," they are up each other's butts in an intrusive and unhealthy manner. Definitely change the locks and keep up the reminders with your husband when he starts to slip a bit into their crazy ways. Best of luck to you and congratulations on the baby.

allalone
Mar. 19, 2012, 12:28 AM
Yes, Laskiblue, my thoughts exactly!!! I never met such a suffocating group of people! My husband likes watching reruns of The Waltons, I kid him & say he thinks thats like his family, I've never liked that show, LOL. While we were dating I had dinner with his family it should've given me clues to run & run fast & far. His mother popped a pimple in my brother in laws ear at the kitchen table, I kept waiting for the camera crew to come rushing in and say you're on candid camera, but it never happened! Their behavior doesn't change in public either, mother in law reached over & cut my husband's meat while we were at a restuarant. Again I could go on and on and on.....

goneriding24
Mar. 19, 2012, 12:52 AM
They are the type that enjoy being in everyone's business, enjoy gossiping about others, even their own family members aren't off limits, just basically are a miserable lot of people. My husband moved to my town when we got married which is two hours away from his family. This is basically when it all began 15 years ago & has just gone downhill from there. His mom made duplicates of our house keys for everyone in their family without our permission, I've caught my father in law going through my purse, mother in law went through my husband's checkbook when we were engaged to see what he spent on the ring then chastised him for spending so much. Don't even get me started on my husband's siblings, ugh!! One time I sat down to eat dinner with them and his sister ran from the room crying because apparently I was sitting in her chair, she was 40 years old at the time! His other sister has openly admitted to my husband she resents me for taking him from their family. My husband is free to come & go as he pleases, we have a farm and a life now here and can't always just drop everything nor do we want to, to go up there every weekend like they expect. His brother has no backbone and follows the rest of the families lead, I actually thought I had developed a good relationship with him until he defriended me on Facebook over another family tiff and then a day later wanted to refriend me. I didn't refriend him, I'm not into all the crazy twisted family drama they bring and prefer to keep my distance & now that a child is on the way they will expect us to visit them more or open our home to them and I actually want to vomit at that thought of it!! My husband takes friends up now when he goes to visit his family while I stay home to tend to our farm & I like it just fine this way, but I'm always amazed how his family is quick to welcome anyone my husband takes up there with open arms but can't give me the time of day. Once my husband's brother called me and asked why I wouldn't let my husband go to a baseball game with them, that their dad asked him to call me. I went off on him saying I'm sick & tired of the family believing I don't allow my husband to come & go as he chooses and make his own decisions that maybe just maybe he's a grown man that has his own life and other things he prefers to be doing that day! That went over like fart in a spacesuit. And his whole family is a bunch of Holy Rollers, so they're forever tooting their own horns about how much they do for everyone, each year their Xmas letter is two pages long brag about all they do for others, sigh, just wish they'd live like christians. I just know they're going to insist on throwing a big baby shower for us and I already told my husband he can go but I refuse to sit in a house full of people that dispise me just so they can make themselves look good in front of their friends and other family members. My mother in law is always playing the card to that we need to rush up there because someone is dying, that is getting old too. Sorry to go on and go, I could write a book, trust me. They truly are a great source of anxiety for me and use to cause much turmoil in our marriage until my husband began to see how they treated me. He's been great by standing by me but on occasion he'll still defend them and I'm worried he'll become soft on his stance with them once a baby is here. This is the whole reason I've waited until I was 39 to have a baby with my husband, I just never wanted to bring a baby into this mess. I want to enjoy this special time so badly but knowing what lies ahead with my husbands family is a constant dread in my chest.

Yep, been there, done that. Hubby's fam doesn't like me either. I had the nerve to come in and marry thier son/father/ex-husband!! How dare I!! For a long while I believed my hubby when he said they liked me, only to go to, say, MIL's house and everyone was so hateful to me. I also caught my MIL with her hands in my coat pocket (which was lying on the bed) and things in my purse had been moved around. MIL also went through some old mail of mine that had already been moved out to the burn pile. She had it brought in and was going through the bag!

The females on his side are like the movie "Mean Girls". I fell into the trap for quite a while but several years ago, I'd had it. I would tell hubby all the things they would say to me, behind his back. He didn't believe me because he never heard anything! They are that clever! But, when I finally got so ticked off I cussed them all, he knew I was serious. I 'fessed up and told him just about everything they had done/said to me and he was/is still somewhat floored. So, I've successfully avoided them for a couple of years now. It was my birthday a couple of days ago and I never heard a thing from any of them. Wasn't expecting it, either.

The best advice I can give you is to tell hubby you are going to treat his hateful fam just like you'd treat any person off the street who'd be snotty to you. If they don't like how you answer the phone (oh, yeah, that one happened to me too), then you have to have your wits about you and throw it right back at them...at that moment!! If you hear a lie about yourself, you have to take on all comers and ask for date and time you did/said so-and-so. They will back off. When they think you'll be the nice one, they'll come at you. When you put your foot down, they'll back off.

Hubby may be in denial but you have to take care of yourself and child first.

rodawn
Mar. 19, 2012, 01:22 AM
Hmmm. I can relate. My MIL is beyond belief. Hubby never realized how dysfunctional his family was until he spent some time with my family who behaved like normal human beings.

Have some fun - buy a copy of Monster-In-Law. Jane Fonda. Excellent movie.

The good news is your pregnant! Congratulations.

The other good news is - you are the gate keeper for all who get to be around your children. Nobody enters your home without the right attitude. Dysfunctional dynamics do not belong around your child. Oh, and you don't need to have a baby shower held by people you don't like. Life is very short. Surround yourself with people who respect and love you.

Does your husband have some backbone? He needs to stand up to them. They either treat you with respect, or they don't get access to his home and his kids. You need a heart-to-heart with your husband.

Trying2Event
Mar. 19, 2012, 01:54 AM
For the record: My guidelines for dating a man are his parents have to either be dead (preferably), or live VERY far away.

Being married to a man with insufferable parents turned me into the bitter women I am today... :)

WingedPanda
Mar. 19, 2012, 03:17 AM
No specific advice beyond what's already been said here - but I thought I'd post that you might find this group helpful: http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dealing_with_the_inlaws_and_foo_family_of_origin

Long Spot
Mar. 19, 2012, 03:36 AM
I've walked a mile in your shoes. Sending you a PM.

Long Spot
Mar. 19, 2012, 03:40 AM
Huh. For some reason COTH isn't letting me send you a PM.

At any rate, first and foremost, congratulations on your little one!!!

Secondly, my in-laws don't necessarily dislike me, but they are overbearing, rude, gossipy, and just not folks I'd pick to spend time with. let alone leave my baby with. Aaaand now we live in the same town as they do.

Would love to chat with you about your feelings privately. If you can send ME a PM, hit me up and hopefully I can reply to it. I have no idea why Chron won't let me send you one.

ACP
Mar. 19, 2012, 08:08 AM
My daughter's FIL corrected her when she mentioned "My horses are ...." and told her, "They are not your horses, they are his horses, you were not working when you got them." Her husband didn't have the balls to correct his dad. And the facts were that my hubby and I bought and supported the horses. My SIL is a spinless whimp where his parents are concerned.

Why are people so incapable of speaking up for their spouses? Sheesh.

bumknees
Mar. 19, 2012, 08:11 AM
Did you marry into dh's family? seriously did you?

I only had to read 2 of your posts to know exactally what you said. There is a reason I live almost on the east coast ( Ohio) and they live in california which is almost far enough away... If I lived in lets say England Or they lived in the middle of the Pacific we might be far enough apart.

The highlites of my early marragewent down hill from there, when due to dh's job we had to live in the same state ( navy)...MIL informed me of the following:
1)That she had already contacted the church to see what she could do to annull(sp) the marrage as we were not married in the church.
2) That she would do her best to make sure HER son left me and divorced me so he could marry what ever her name is *multi million $$ heirest* so she can keep her in the way she wish to bcome accustom to
3) That she would mke sure that noone in HER family would never accept me or any child made by the marrage. and they pretty much have not
4) that any contact would have to be made by dh as she would not even write down any important dates such s any childs bdays etc.
5) IF I ever convinved dh to move out of calif she would write dh out and never contact him
6) she would make out lives miserable
as long as she could while I was around and with in reasonable distance of her house. Ie when dh returned after being gone for 6mths by the time I returned from picking him up at 7am the day after his ship docked we had no less than 25 messages on our answering machine asking why I was keeping her son away from her she knew he returned yesterday.. And hte phone was ringing when we unlocked hte door...
Like I said it went down hill from then...

We due to military trasnfer moved to the east coast( which was my fault dont ya know I had the power to make the navy do that).

She met our youngest ds when dh's aunt died when youngest ds( she did not know he existed) was mmm 10 or 11... she knew oldest existes because he was born in calif and she insisted we take him up to meet grandma when he was a week old.. That is a whole other thread...
She has seen oldest ds 5x's in his life yongest 3x' mostwith oldest all with youngest due to funerals. other than that no contact not even bday or xmas cards... And it has been wonderful.

to say she is a 2faces female dog is putting it nicely she is lovey dovey when ds' are around but as soon as we returned home it went back ot some ol same ol according to sil's and bol.. So I am happily far away from her and her haterid of me and my kids.. And they dont miss her and they ''likelove'' her..

If dh's and your jobs allow move to make life better for your family...

JanM
Mar. 19, 2012, 08:30 AM
I agree with others on here. Change the locks, make a will leaving the child to normal people, and don't live in a state with grandparents rights to visitation. And talk to your doctor's office and the hospital about visitor lists, or you'll look up and see you-know-who right in the delivery room, or coming to visit her grandchild at the nursery.

Trakehner
Mar. 19, 2012, 08:35 AM
It's not time to release the Momma Bear. It's time to release the Poppa Bear.

Guy sounds like a real Puss. He tolerates his family treating you this way? He should kick any or all of them that dare to badmouth his wife to the kerb. It's not acceptable to whine to mommy that his mean wife won't let him come to family things. What a load of manure.

You need to nail him right now and tell him to support his wife. Once he married you, YOU were his family. Mommy, Dad and all the siblings are Relatives. You are now his family.

Jeeze I hate wimpy no-balls guys who don't support their wives.

allalone
Mar. 19, 2012, 09:00 AM
Yeah, I thought moving would help but these people think nothing of driving to FL in 18 hours with maybe two potty breaks, they're nuts I tell you, plain nuts. If we moved away they'd see it as an excuse to just come visit for extended stays. Right now with us being two hours away they don't have an excuse to even consider asking to stay over. I finally put my foot down after a month of them sleeping our bed & us sleeping on the floor when we first got married so they got that message loud & clear that no more overnight visits. That's when they began tellling everyone they weren't welcome by me in our home, ugh!! It has always been their way or no way. I refuse to get a sleeper couch just because i don't want hubby to cave. Mother in law gave me hell for keeping our bedroom doors shut in our home, first off it's none of her business what I do in our home & second we have cats that I don't want in certain rooms. Oh, there's another one, they dislike animals!!! Right there speaks volumes what kind of people they are. Grrrr, yes, I am a very bitter & angry person and I really wish I wasn't, life is too short and I can't seem to escape the way they make me feel. My hackles go up every time they call or visit. I'm allowed to pick my friends & whom I want to spend time with but for some reason society believes because they're family I need to put up with them. His family is so sweet to all my husband's friends that still live in that area & when my husband told them why we don't make weekend treks up there together they thought it was awful on my part & especially now that we're having a kid that I need to "grow up" and make amends for the kids sake and after all they are family. Makes me want to just bawl.

allalone
Mar. 19, 2012, 09:15 AM
I apologize Long Spot, I had disabled my account awhile back to not allow private messages but I have reactivated it, I've sent you a message! It'd be good to be able to talk to others that are going through the same thing, some days just a shoulder to lean on is so appreciated.

Canaqua
Mar. 19, 2012, 09:17 AM
You have a problem. Actually, I think you have two problems. One is your husband's family. The second problem is your husband. He should have handled this by now. He's got to stand up to them and tell them that there are limits.



I agree with this. Your husband needs to be the one to stand up to them on your behalf. I can understand why he might be reluctant to get into it with them, but, if you want your marriage to last, he needs to be firm with them. The fact that they are calling and saying you need to "allow" him to do things implies that he might be avoiding confrontation with them by letting you take the heat.

Karosel
Mar. 19, 2012, 09:29 AM
For the record: My guidelines for dating a man are his parents have to either be dead (preferably), or live VERY far away.

Being married to a man with insufferable parents turned me into the bitter women I am today... :)

Yes there are no problem's with the SO's family. His mom has passed away :( and the rest of his family lives about a 24 hour drive away. Mine, on the other hand are the crazy dysfunctional ones. They're two and a half hours away, but it's still too close for comfort.

allalone
Mar. 19, 2012, 09:29 AM
Canaque, that's what I thought too & I actually called my husband on it and asked why his family thought he wasn't allowed to do anything. When we were first married I think he did use me as an excuse to make himself look like the good guy which did nothing to better their views of me. But the past two years he has stood up to them and told them straight out that no he has plans or doesn't want to go up there, etc. That's when it became worst because in their eyes I don't think they want to believe their dear son would NOT put them first. They were so use to saying jump & he'd say how high. I'm proud that he has finally found his backbone & can say no to them & stand up for me but now they have begun treating him like the black sheep of the family. I know that hurts him deeply because all his life he lived to just please them. It wasn't healthy and he sees that but it doesn't make it any easier for him to live with. Sometimes when they're not so nice to him I can see him wanting to try harder to do what they want but I'm always there to remind him they're manipulating him. Some days I think he holds some resentment or anger towards me because I know he wishes things were all rainbows & unicorns between his family & me. When we first got married we did go up there every weekend or they came down every weekend but I quickly became very angry & bitter that this was what my life had become & I realized no matter how hard I tried to please these people there was no making them happy. That's when I withdrew myself from their lives just to save myself from their hateful ways.

carolprudm
Mar. 19, 2012, 09:31 AM
The females on his side are like the movie "Mean Girls". I fell into the trap for quite a while but several years ago, I'd had it. I would tell hubby all the things they would say to me, behind his back. He didn't believe me because he never heard anything! They are that clever! But, when I finally got so ticked off I cussed them all, he knew I was serious. I 'fessed up and told him just about everything they had done/said to me and he was/is still somewhat floored.


SIL graduated from college and started teaching HS and her mind has stayed there ever since. Now the mean girls wear red hats. I put up with her catty comments for years while avoiding her as much as possible and now only interact with her when I am with Mr P. She got careless and Mr P knows the score.
The word NO is your friend

JGHIRETIRE
Mar. 19, 2012, 02:07 PM
:eek::eek::eek:
All I can say is WOW
I agree with Alagirl - pregnancy gives you a great excuse to REALLY speak your mind and you can just blame it on hormones.
Or not........whichever you prefer. Definitely write the book - it will give you a way to vent and you'll have a bestseller.
They sound like people who work really hard at blaming everyone else for their problems - nothing is ever their fault. I know it's difficult to be in the middle of this but if you can sort of detach and just watch, it can be very entertaining.
No great words of wisdom -- just you certainly have my sympathy!!!
Please keep us updated as much as you can.

BLBGP
Mar. 19, 2012, 02:08 PM
Assuming you talked about your concerns with your husband before you tried for a baby, what did he say?

Alagirl
Mar. 19, 2012, 02:38 PM
Yeah, I thought moving would help but these people think nothing of driving to FL in 18 hours with maybe two potty breaks, they're nuts I tell you, plain nuts. If we moved away they'd see it as an excuse to just come visit for extended stays. Right now with us being two hours away they don't have an excuse to even consider asking to stay over. I finally put my foot down after a month of them sleeping our bed & us sleeping on the floor when we first got married so they got that message loud & clear that no more overnight visits. That's when they began tellling everyone they weren't welcome by me in our home, ugh!! It has always been their way or no way. I refuse to get a sleeper couch just because i don't want hubby to cave. Mother in law gave me hell for keeping our bedroom doors shut in our home, first off it's none of her business what I do in our home & second we have cats that I don't want in certain rooms. Oh, there's another one, they dislike animals!!! Right there speaks volumes what kind of people they are. Grrrr, yes, I am a very bitter & angry person and I really wish I wasn't, life is too short and I can't seem to escape the way they make me feel. My hackles go up every time they call or visit. I'm allowed to pick my friends & whom I want to spend time with but for some reason society believes because they're family I need to put up with them. His family is so sweet to all my husband's friends that still live in that area & when my husband told them why we don't make weekend treks up there together they thought it was awful on my part & especially now that we're having a kid that I need to "grow up" and make amends for the kids sake and after all they are family. Makes me want to just bawl.

No, you are not bitter and angry, just cornered.

JanM
Mar. 19, 2012, 02:49 PM
I don't care how far you live from the in-laws, they have no right to stay with you. They can stay at any hotel they want, and then you don't have to put up with them disrespecting you in your own house.

And my guess is that when you were first married, that they thought if they got the bedroom at your place, and you had to visit them often enough that DH would come to his senses and dump you.

goneriding24
Mar. 19, 2012, 03:46 PM
SIL graduated from college and started teaching HS and her mind has stayed there ever since. Now the mean girls wear red hats. I put up with her catty comments for years while avoiding her as much as possible and now only interact with her when I am with Mr P. She got careless and Mr P knows the score.
The word NO is your friend

Yeah, hubby knew I was serious when I said his female relatives (all of them) were b*tches, that this was a game they played with his ex-girlfriends/wife. I even got so ticked off that when he was on the phone to his mother trying to tell her to accept me (and getting flak) that I grabbed the phone and laid it ALL out for her. No holds barred. His female relatives have done their best to run everyone off from him, and somewhat succeeded. His sister once said she only wanted what was best for him! Hello?? His daughter once said the fam didn't care about me but as long as I made him happy, she would keep quiet. I was flabberghasted to the point of not being able to say anything...just handed him the phone, where she became the sweet daughter. That wouldn't happen today, though.

Now, the trick is to stand up to them, don't shy away or looks weak. That's what they prey on. I was prepared to lose it all because I wasn't going to live the rest of my life with them hanging over my shoulder and running him. Honestly, he never heard anything from them or saw it. They would wait till he was out of the room and then make snide remarks and then turn sweet as soon as he came back. Then be perplexed why I was always wanting to leave and/or never visit. Oh, and if we do visit now, we always get a motel room and I leave all personal info either in the pickup or the motel room. I don't take anything personal into their homes, such as a purse or coat.

You have to be up front and brassy. They aren't going to like you anyway, no matter what you do. Might as well make your life easy and let them tough it out.

lilitiger2
Mar. 19, 2012, 03:47 PM
Wow. Well congrats on the baby!

I agree with the poster who said you sound cornered, it really sounds awful. And, as far as I know, he can take the baby anywhere he wants,whenever he wants as it is HIS child too. So, yes, your in-laws will likely pressure him a LOT, and he may cave. And you have to be comfortable that your child could be spending plenty of time with them, whether or not you like it.

Yes I like the idea of moving, so at least you are not so close (and they would have to pay for a hotel if they came for visits), but even if that is not possible, at least finding a counselor of some sort so you get support, because you need it! You need your own cheering section to help you hold on to what you know is true (of course it is NOT okay for someone, even an inlaw to make copies of keys! It is not okay that they stay with you unless happily invited! It is not okay that they treat you like dirt, go through your stuff? :eek: crying because you sat in a 40yo's chair???). Sadly, though, it seems to be okay with your husband.He is going to need to grow some serious cajones and set his family straight, and pronto, before the baby is born. He needs to see that he has some hard choices to make;either he stands up clearly for his wife and child, or he doesn't (at which point, I'd leave). Sure, his family will be upset (but they are already so no loss there) and blame you (again, they don't like you anyway) and you will need support to hold firm to your own truth.

His family sounds totally toxic. And it does not sound like you want to spend the rest of your life in fear, wondering if they'll drop in, take the kid, pull some other crap.

I think you need a good safe place with a warm, caring safe person to sort things out, to 'get your own" back so they don't run over you. Never hurts to get legal advice either, so you know where you stand.

Marengo
Mar. 19, 2012, 07:58 PM
I hate to burst everyone's bubble about the idea that you can just move farther away. Have you noticed my location is New Zealand? So 'somewhere in the south Pacific'. Its still not quite far enough away, true it helps but I still get 'phone bombed' and 'email bombed'. If you're not familiar with the terms its when someone contacts you relentless, calling every half an hour or emailing as frequently asking 'why have you not responded?' The toxic family members are mine and I still haven't come up with a solution, ignoring them just makes them contact my husband. Putting them in their place results in better behaviour but only until the next time. I"m thinking the moon is looking pretty sweet as a place to relocate.

spurgirl
Mar. 19, 2012, 08:11 PM
I might have missed it, but first thing, change the locks if there is any chance any of his family members still have keys to your home.

You need to have a serious talk about rules with your husband, about the baby, who is allowed to be with him/her, etc., and his seemingly "wishy washy" attitude about what he says/does when you are present, and not present...It seems some of their attitude toward you has been caused by HIM making you sound like "the bad guy".

One thing that will help you immensely is to really learn to be a no nonsense *itch, unfortunately....My MIL used to try to control everything when hubby and I were first dating, and also try to break us up...The horrors! I was a waitress, and a BARTENDER (which must be close to a prostitute, right:lol:), by the way she carried on...

But anyway, things became easier, when I learned to say NO...

No, My kids aren't going to your churches' Christian school (They are Born Again/Baptist like the OP's relatives)...

No, Crazy Auntie is not taking over my house for a weekend when she visits, we will be glad to assist her in hotel reservations, have her call us....

No, I'm not naming our son after Great Uncle Nestor, or daughter after Aunt Ethel...

And on an on...Today, my MIL is so glad I am direct, even headed, and has *gasp!*... managed to raise two lovely respectful, smart children almost to adulthood. We actually get along pretty well, and she only pushes things a teeny bit now, after 24 years...Hey, she's still got to try...

gully's pilot
Mar. 19, 2012, 08:23 PM
My relationship with my toxic in-laws/relatives (lucky me, got 'em on both sides) has only gotten worse with time, BUT I want to say, it doesn't take away one moment of the joy that my two children have given me. Honestly, I wish my extended family situation was better, but I can't control it. What I can control is my immediate nuclear family, husband, son, daughter. We have a lovely life together and I am grateful for every moment.

As you head into this pregnancy, don't worry. You will love your child, and do your best. God bless.

onelanerode
Mar. 19, 2012, 08:48 PM
Well, the way I see it, your husband has what, about six months before your baby arrives? That should give him plenty of time to start developing those parenting skills. How fortunate he is to have relatives who behave like children—they will be *such* good practice for him. :lol:

Seriously though, you and DH need to sit down and figure out how you are going to deal with this. Meeting with a counselor (neutral third party) might be very helpful. He needs to understand that being married means his wife and children are his primary responsibility, and the health of his marriage to you depends on his ability to effectively deal with his family's behavior. He needs to be the leader, because this is his family, but that doesn't mean you sit back all meek and quiet. You can point out rudeness as well; identify the specific behavior you don't like and ask them not to repeat it. If they throw tantrums, and they almost certainly will, you leave, telling them you will discuss the matter with them when they have calmed down. (A lot like putting a tantrum-throwing toddler in time-out.)

You need to present a united front as you retrain his family, and it will be hard. The more united you two are, the less chance they will have to make you angry and come between you. :yes: Your DH needs to learn how to say no and mean it, and if YOU say no about something, he needs to respect that and not undermine you by saying yes because he doesn't want to deal with the fallout or is tired of being pestered. (Your kids are going to try this as well ... here is your chance to tell kiddo no, you are not having chocolate fudge brownies for dinner, and asking your dad after I've already said no is not going to get you the answer you want.)

Change the locks, set the boundaries, and ride it out. They will pitch a b!tch, because hey, it's worked before. They may pitch several b!tches, because hey, that worked before too! Keep saying no, and refuse to engage in dramatic, immature behavior. They can behave in a civil manner or they don't get to be around you. If you show up for a family gathering and they start their crap, you leave. BOTH of you. (Kind of like taking a kid to a restaurant ... sometimes they just aren't going to cooperate that night, and you have to cut the evening short. Sucks, but that's life.)

Good behavior is rewarded by more of what they want. :yes: (It means you will have to suck it up and give them a chance to improve, and that is going to be hard!) Bad behavior results in the removal of privileges. :no:

Remember you're training these people to produce the behavior you want, so you'll need to be consistent. Good luck.

And heck, if after a period of time (maybe a year? Old habits die hard) there's been no improvement, I say cut them off. But I'm a b!tch like that. ;)

Gnalli
Mar. 19, 2012, 09:19 PM
It's not time to release the Momma Bear. It's time to release the Poppa Bear.

Guy sounds like a real Puss. He tolerates his family treating you this way? He should kick any or all of them that dare to badmouth his wife to the kerb. It's not acceptable to whine to mommy that his mean wife won't let him come to family things. What a load of manure.

You need to nail him right now and tell him to support his wife. Once he married you, YOU were his family. Mommy, Dad and all the siblings are Relatives. You are now his family.

Jeeze I hate wimpy no-balls guys who don't support their wives.

Trak, have I told you I love you??:winkgrin:

stryder
Mar. 19, 2012, 09:59 PM
Trak, have I told you I love you??:winkgrin:

I was thinking the very same thing.

Others have suggested counseling, and I think that's a good idea. Hubby needs to be on the same page. No wishy-washy, passive-aggressive crap. His family needs to know, and hubby must be the one to tell them, that the very first incidence of trash-talking you to that child will mean the absolute end of any visits or communication with the child. That's it. What to see the kid? Be pleasant to mom. It's simple enough. Hubby can't do that? Rethink your marriage. Seriously, because it's only going to get worse.

And get those locks changed.

Good luck to you.

mvp
Mar. 19, 2012, 10:26 PM
You have a problem. Actually, I think you have two problems. One is your husband's family. The second problem is your husband. He should have handled this by now. He's got to stand up to them and tell them that there are limits.

OP, I only read to the bottom of page 1. But this is the essence of your deal.

DH has to decide whether he is part of your family or his family of origin. You can't (shouldn't) play "the baby" or "mom" card. It's not fair and it won't work forever and all situations. DH needs to be part of the decisions about how to raise his kid and be loyal to his wife.

On the bright side, you guys have 6 months to figure this out. You and DH should do some serious talking (with a pro if you need it), and then do some practice with the ol' boundary drawing with his family.

But DH has to be on board. And then he needs to be strong and follow through with the limits you both decide. Chances are that he is exploiting your strength a bit. After all, he doesn't have to do the heavy lifting of telling his family of origin to back off if you do Mama Bear/b!tch.