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View Full Version : Wonderful SO That Doesn't "Act Like A Colt"



ElfDr
Mar. 18, 2012, 06:03 PM
I know the Mod's are rather picky about any threads referencing intimate relations. So in the interest of being PC, I am interested if anyone else has had a long-term successful relationship/marriage with a partner that isn't particularly motivated to be intimate? We are both still in our youth (well under 40) and have lived together for two years. We manage a large farm together and work hand in hand every day. He is a wonderful rider, a very kind person, affectionate on a day to day basis, and meets my emotional needs on a day to day basis. The first 6 months of our relationship were physical to a degree that I would consider "normal". Of course, there is to be an expected decline but in the 2011 calendar year, I can use my fingers and toes to count how many times my SO was "coltish". I really think therapy would help but he is absolutely against it. He thinks that psychiatrist/psychologists are quacks and that we can work thought any issues that we have ourselves. He is not a very good communicator, however, and while his communication skills are improving they aren't to the point that we can calmly and productively discuss this major issue. I have no interest in being a broodmare but I would like for my SO to be "coltish" once a week, which I don't think is so much to ask. Aside from this though, I am very happy with him. Any thoughts or insights, success stories or failures, are appreciated.

HelloAgain
Mar. 18, 2012, 06:12 PM
Well, it sounds like counselling is out for the near future. Consider reading "The Sex Starved Marriage (http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Marriage-Couples-Boosting-Libido/dp/0743227328)". You may feel alone but I assure you that ladies wanting a frolic in the pasture (so to speak) more often than their menfolk is EXTREMELY common contrary to myth/stereotype.

Another book that is helpful in general at getting people on the same page for talking is "The Five Love Languages."

Both these books should be available at any community library or bookstore.

Dazednconfused
Mar. 18, 2012, 06:29 PM
I'm not sure what you would do about this if he refuses to communicate. I suggest checking out Dan Savage/Savage Love for some very blunt, sage advice.

Matched libidos are a an extremely underrated/unexamined part of long term relationships that so many people don't even think about, or don't consider important. It IS.

Calvincrowe
Mar. 18, 2012, 06:36 PM
I hear you--Mr. CC and a I are a bit older than you and your "colt", and we seem to have the same issue. He's perfectly happy to perform, but I need to behave in a "hussy mare fashion" to get him to er, the breeding shed, most times. We've gone months without hitting the shed, but we, too, are best of friends, work together, etc. I am actually ok with it now...he answers the call when needed, it is more than satisfactory, he's been gelded, too, so no issues on um, issue.

I think you need to come to grips with the whole package--do you get enough satisfaction to be satisfied? Do you want a raging stud horse after you all the time or are you happy with the occasional roll in the hay?

Melissa.Van Doren
Mar. 18, 2012, 06:46 PM
Perhaps a testosterone issue... ? Something to ask your doctor about.

Rhyadawn
Mar. 18, 2012, 07:20 PM
Though few talk about it, this is actually a very common issue. Perhaps at the next doctors visit he should get a full physical done, just to make sure nothing is up.

Tuesday's Child
Mar. 18, 2012, 07:25 PM
Not being married, I have no input myself (if a prospective suitor isn't "coltish" enough for me, it's game over!) but I just wanted to say that the horsey spin on this topic is hilarious :) It does seem to be a common issue though from what I've heard through the grapevine, so you're not alone!

Calvincrowe
Mar. 18, 2012, 07:58 PM
Perhaps you need to be trained to the "Phantom"?:lol::lol: Sorry...couldn't help myself...there are a world of gadgets and such to make your little mareish self happy.

I would suggest a physical, as well, but if he doesn't talk to the doctor about his, um, reluctance in the breeding shed, then it won't do much good--they don't test for low T.

Keep discussing things with him, go slow, bring it up gently, don't nag. Mr. CC hates when I nag him. It does sometimes effect my self-esteem, but I know Mr. CC isn't looking anywhere else, so I'm okay for now. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have a raging stallion chase me down at times:cool:

Ravencrest_Camp
Mar. 18, 2012, 08:30 PM
Denial is not a river in Egypt. :lol: ;)

allikat819
Mar. 18, 2012, 10:02 PM
I'm kind of glad to see this thread. It's an issue that I'm currently dealing with my SO, and been frequently frustrated. I can count on one hand the number of times we have been intimate since 2012 began. It's an issue I find very frustrating, it's been brought up a few times, and he's been to a general practitioner once to discuss the "problem". His testosterone levels were checked at an afternoon appointment, and were considered low to below normal, and had another blood draw a different day in the morning. Those values were considered more normal. We've considered the idea that we need to get to some kind of specialist, but his insurance doesn't cover much and quite frankly, it's been kind of low of the financial priority list when we're trying to get back on track financially.

I feel that it's something that needs to be addressed... because quite honestly... it hurts to not feel wanted.

ElfDr, I probably could have written your post word for word about me feelings and the way my SO behaves/acts etc.

You're not alone!

ElfDr
Mar. 18, 2012, 11:33 PM
Go go gadget iBooks! I will definitely be downloading some of the books listed here and searching for further advice and suggestions. Counseling is something I have had success with in the past from a personal standpoint, if only because it gave me a better understanding of emotions from a scientific and practical standpoint and a better understanding of human nature. My SO was raised in a very religious family and while neither of us are religious at this age, he received not medical, dental, or psychological care before the age of 16 and, in his opinion, if he survived that long he can keep on keepin on. He knows that I have left men before who lacked significant stallion impulses but those men didn't meet my needs in other ways and I really do want to make this work but we HAVE to 'roll in the hay' more. From a self-esteem standpoint, I am a pretty confidant person in every day and life but most of my friends consider me to be "intense" and "larger than life" as they say. I think that, in some ways, including financially, I emasculate him without meaning to and I can't say if this has an effect but I fear that it does. Any men want to weigh in here? I try to wear my fanciest stable blanket at every opportunity and have a wide array of stall toys to stave off boredom but they are no substitute for a good gallop through the field and any day now I'm going to start weaving and cribbing and pawing til I'm sold down the road lol. Allikat and CC: I try not to nag, pester, or...um...hobble the unwilling participant, but I feel the same way, Allikat. Not being wanted sucks. While it might be an issue with him, I can't help but think it's an issue with me. It's a girly, stupid thing to do to think I'm not skinny enough/pretty enough/seductive enough whatever and while I know that's probably not true when I step back and look at things, it still saddens me to be rejected repeatedly. Sigh.

dangerbunny
Mar. 19, 2012, 12:09 AM
Is he under a lot of stress? most guys don't have as much bedroom ambition when stressed.

Totally normal to feel insecure when your partner isn't lusting after you as much as you would like, not girly or stupid. Can you talk about it at all? like in a non judging kind of way, like " I would really like this, or I miss you doing xxx", I usually get all emotional over how rejected I feel and that always gets immediate results because sometime boys are dumb and don't realize how they are acting.

jetsmom
Mar. 19, 2012, 12:15 AM
Though few talk about it, this is actually a very common issue. Perhaps at the next doctors visit he should get a full physical done, just to make sure nothing is up.

Apparently nothing being up IS the problem...:lol:

Have you tried saying "CMon War Emblem...it's time"?

danceronice
Mar. 19, 2012, 12:20 AM
Apparently nothing being up IS the problem...:lol:

Have you tried saying "CMon War Emblem...it's time"?

:lol: How about a stallion chain over the nose?

mackandblues
Mar. 19, 2012, 12:22 AM
he needs clicker training

goneriding24
Mar. 19, 2012, 12:34 AM
Well, I feel for you. In my case, it was a previous marriage. After a while, I didn't care and was happy he went off (double entendre) on his own.

This marriage, holy cow, I wished he slow down! He does get stressed but somehow that doesn't put a, er, damper on things. Something I did think of, though, current hubby has a high self worth. Nothing drags him down (not a double entendre). Everything is centered and normal for him, all the time. Ex was all the time trying to pull me down and thwart me at every move. Current is so supportive I feel guilty somethings. I'm too lucky in every sense of the word. Sounds weird, but I want to die before he does because I don't want to live without him. He knows this. I can't seem to do enough for him, he's never asked me to do anything for him! He is my light and shining star!! My total hero!!

Now, that I'm out of the mooshy stuff, I think there is more going on than low testosterone. Something in his head. Maybe he thinks he's supposed to act this way or it's an age thing. Sort of like older guys aren't supposed to get frisky. Unless you guys can talk and he can articulate what is 'wrong', you just won't really know.

twotrudoc
Mar. 19, 2012, 12:51 AM
Clicker training my rear, this needs the Big BK Parelli complete with kohlrabi stick. The OP needs some deerskin britches too with essence of.....the helmetless picnic table hopping one.

ElfDr
Mar. 19, 2012, 02:00 AM
Oh my goodness. Literally laughing out loud so hard I'm crying. Clicker training! Kohlrabi sticks (heck, any kind of 'stick' is an improvement!)! He is not stressed at all that I know of, other than the fact that he probably feels pressured to keep up with my financially which I have just accepted will come in time (probably a few years). While I spent that better part of my young adulthood squirrling away money and am the luckiest person I know in terms of the successes that I have enjoyed, he...um...did not do that. He has had some bad luck though and I do not hold it against him at all. He had a joint account :yikes: with a former fiance and when she left she took the money with her. I guess legally there isn't much you can do if its a joint account. Anyway, he's working his way back up and I am proud of how hard he is trying. So other than money, we work for ourselves, manage our own farm, and make our own schedule. Not too stressful if you ask me! My show horses have wonderful owners and the racehorses we train together have all been successful and we have many happy, repeat clients. Goneriding: is your DH just THE ONE and you knew it immediately? Does that still happen? I have been a long wolf most of my life (boarding school as a kid, left home at 15, moved all around the country ridind and showing by myself, that's just me) and entrusting someone with my heart and soul is just something I cannot do. Neither here nor there. Sorry, it's late and I'm getting tangent-y. Jetsmom- Sometimes I do just knuckle down and lead him to the breeding shed but then it really sort of feels a bit like I'm hobbling a mare and getting the deed done. It shouldn't be work, it should be fun. Right? Dangerbunny- we talk and he knows there is an issue and I articulate what I want but he can't articulate why he can't provide it. I think denial, in his opinion, IS only a river in Egypt and I think that, deep down, he thinks that this is just normal. Gotta change that. Thanks for listening, everyone. Books are a great start, a Doctor visit is in order, and perhaps therapy will become a viable option in the near future.

jetsmom
Mar. 19, 2012, 02:55 AM
Get a Dr's checkup, and try to get to counselling. If he won't go with, go without him. He will at least realize then, that you take it seriously and may join you. If he doesn't, at least counselling will clarify things for you, and maybe give you some ideas for things to try to narrow down his reasons.

You don't need to respond to this here, but there can be different things going on depending on if he well, lets say, "does hand collections" often, vs none. And if he likes to look at "the breeding forum" online or in magazines. His behavior about those things can tell you a lot. And sometimes there can be things you can do to get him out of his head, if there is just a mental block causing his lack of coltish behavior.

My ex used to be very stallionish until we got married, then everything changed. He would do his duty when led to the shed, but it really seemed like he was just "servicing" a mare. Finally he admitted, he never liked Palaminos, and he just married one, because he had certain things he wanted to accomplish at certain ages, and the Palamino (me) happened to be in the right place at the right time. I was devastated. We separated, then he said he wanted me back and had no idea why he ever said that. So we yo yo'd back and forth, but nothing ever changed. I went to counselling, and eventually felt good about getting a divorce. My DH and I have been together 22 yrs, and he still gets coltish, and there is a huge difference in my happiness in the whole relationship.
The issue you are having will wear on you, and kill your self esteem, so do get it figured out.

goneriding24
Mar. 19, 2012, 10:52 AM
Goneriding: is your DH just THE ONE and you knew it immediately? Does that still happen?

Believe it or not, it does still happen. I was at a truck company terminal and not looking for anyone in particular. Trying to get out of a bad marriage (see above). A bunch of guys were sitting around a table out in front of the dispatch office and I got up the nerve to sit down with them. I sat down opposite of hubby at the table, took one look into his grey eyes and KNEW. He has said the same thing. We just looked at each other and that was that! Except for the two week period after that (going different places but finally meeting back up) and a stretch where he was ill for a couple of weeks and I had to run solo, we have been together 24/7, never been apart. We do everything together. Nothing separate.

To me, if a marriage is work, it's not working.

allikat819
Mar. 19, 2012, 04:41 PM
I know in my situation, my SO does not do any *ahem* hand collections and if he does, it's very rare, and to my knowledge is not using any other breeding forum materials. At least according to a frank discussion I've had with him.

So it's my belief his drive is super low, and it's something we need to address. Because while he is wonderful in SO MANY other ways, this is a problem.