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HalfArabian
Mar. 18, 2012, 01:56 PM
Hi, not sure how you would deal with this; have some male horse friends(and that is what they absolutely are!) SO is just very suspicious of them. Long story short-heart horse passed and HF's(and wives, etc) were helping me look for another horse because I was having a SUPER hard time. How have others dealt with this? I kind of wanted the HF to maybe help me train new horse when the time comes?

tia,

KH

HelloAgain
Mar. 18, 2012, 02:04 PM
If he is suspicious of you* every time you are near a person of the male gender, dump him. Seriously, he has problems that are not yours to fix. Such people cannot be pacified and eventually you will become a hostage to his unchecked emotional needs.

And, as a side note, cheaters think everyone cheats, so IMHO there is a fair chance his suspicions are based on his actions, not yours.

*No matter how much he says he is suspicious of them, he is suspicious of you unless he thinks a penis falls into a vagina by accident, or that your male friends are likely rapists.

Windsor1
Mar. 18, 2012, 02:10 PM
Hi, not sure how you would deal with this; have some male horse friends(and that is what they absolutely are!) SO is just very suspicious of them. Long story short-heart horse passed and HF's(and wives, etc) were helping me look for another horse because I was having a SUPER hard time. How have others dealt with this? I kind of wanted the HF to maybe help me train new horse when the time comes?

tia,

KH

Don't let him make HIS trust issues YOUR problem. If he is bothered by the fact that you have male friends, he needs to get into therapy or otherwise find some way to resolve HIS trust issues. I don't even think he should be particularly bothered if he found out they were flirting with or hitting on you. He either trusts you to be faithful to him or not. If he does, great, if he doesn't, then the relationship is doomed anyway.

CosMonster
Mar. 18, 2012, 02:10 PM
I'm inclined to agree with HelloAgain. The only times I've felt jealous in a relationship were when I didn't trust my partner. It's disrespectful and hints at bigger problems in the relationship IMO.

That's assuming, of course, that you're behaving reasonably. If you're spending all your free time with this guy and hanging him all over him, you should probably reconsider that. ;) Also, sometimes jealousy can be a sign that your SO is feeling neglected, so it's probably a good idea to make sure you're spending quality time with him. However, if you're spending plenty of time with him and this friend is just helping you horse shop and he's still jealous, might want to consider whether he'll be jealous of any male friend you have, and that's just tiring.

LexInVA
Mar. 18, 2012, 02:14 PM
Jealousy is always a sign that someone isn't getting enough hugs or that there is a cat somewhere in the mix. :p

rodawn
Mar. 18, 2012, 02:17 PM
Jealousy in a relationship eventually will result in an ended relationship.

As long as you are behaving honorably around these male horse friends, maintaining appropriate social boundaries, and are mostly in public areas with other people around, you are doing nothing wrong. Your partner should be able to trust you if you are worthy of trust.

However, you should not be spending too much alone time with male horse friends as that is just not respecting your partner's feelings. You have an obligation to behave in a way that respects your partner's feelings, and emotional health and balance. Similarly, your male friends should know their own personal boundaries and show deep respect for their own spouses' feelings and emotional health. Any male friend who steps out of line is a friendship that needs the boundaries firmly reiterated... and if they still persist, that friendship should be terminated.

So, it goes both ways.

If, however, your partner is so entirely jealous that even in public situations even perceived looks in your direction by male people upsets him, then his jealousy and trust issues are out of control. This can lead to domestic violence. In these cases, he needs counseling. If he won't trust you and won't get over being jealous and gets in any way the least bit aggressive surrounding his jealousy issues, it is a relationship that needs to be terminated.

Everyone needs to have friends and maintaining friendships is healthy. But, nobody should be controlled.

You need to decide what category your current partner fits in and behave accordingly.

My husband trusts me in all my friends...but then again, I am very clear about my personal boundaries and social behaviour, so he never has issues with jealousy. I remember one situation where a woman was hitting on my male friend right in front of me... but HE was already engaged to my best friend. He was being polite but rebuffing her advances which did not make her stop, until I told her in no uncertain terms that her behaviour was inappropriate and to back off, and that my male friend here was engaged to be married to a beautiful woman. People who have little social control and like to flirt with anyone and everyone should be avoided. You might think it's harmless but your partner might not... and vice verse. That's just my opinion - because those types of people can unwittingly set off a very serious problem in your otherwise stable relationship.

JanM
Mar. 18, 2012, 07:43 PM
If you're not giving him a real reason to worry about you and other men, then he's probably projecting his own cheating feelings, or he's a control freak. Don't look back ten years from now and wonder why you're still with someone who doesn't trust you. If this is the first sign of jealousy, then maybe things can be worked out, but if this is only part of the problem then ask yourself the classic Dear Abby question: Are you better off with him or without him? And when you come on here and ask, you usually already know the answer you want to hear.

danceronice
Mar. 18, 2012, 08:14 PM
That's assuming, of course, that you're behaving reasonably. If you're spending all your free time with this guy and hanging him all over him, you should probably reconsider that. ;) Also, sometimes jealousy can be a sign that your SO is feeling neglected, so it's probably a good idea to make sure you're spending quality time with him. However, if you're spending plenty of time with him and this friend is just helping you horse shop and he's still jealous, might want to consider whether he'll be jealous of any male friend you have, and that's just tiring.

I would think a lot about the above. WERE you spending more time with them and on the horse-hunt than with your SO? Were you talking about it a lot and about the male HFs helping you? I'm guessing SO is not horsey...if you were really in the horse-buying zone and going on about it and the people helping you look, that may be putting him on edge. It gets to a point of "Well, if you have so much more fun horse-shopping with Jim-Bob than hanging out with me, why don't you date HIM?"

There's an important difference between his being jealous/uneasy with THIS one particular situation (ie, you don't usually spend all day at the barn with these guys and now you were), and his being constantly suspicious of all male acquaintances no matter how public or casual. The former is, IMO, a reasonable thing for an SO to be annoyed/jealous about, the latter is a potential sign of a very troubled relationship.

gdolapp
Mar. 18, 2012, 11:24 PM
In my opinion Love with out trust equals No releationship. Jelousy in my opinion is trust related.

My hubby is awsome, as my Bestfriend of 43 years is a guy. We have known one another since preschool bibleschool at the ages of 2 - 3. Now my Hubby and him have become great friends. It was actually really great and made my heart smile watching their friendship grow.

meupatdoes
Mar. 19, 2012, 11:16 AM
Don't let him make HIS trust issues YOUR problem.

Yep.

Jealousy is a total and complete deal breaker to me.
I don't care if other men are blatantly throwing themselves at me in front of him, the point is that he needs to be secure enough in himself and in our relationship to not feel threatened or start to behave in an obnoxious, controlling, or manipulative manner.

The end.
Or it's THE END.

BoyleHeightsKid
Mar. 19, 2012, 01:03 PM
I can relate to you HA. I was in a relationship with someone for 7 years that sounds like your man. Only I think mine may have been worse. He was never physical but wow could he yell and spout some very insulting things. It got to the point where I was always walking on egg shells around him because I never knew what was going to set him off. The best advice I can give you is to get out and get out now before you waste anymore of your life on this guy. It will never ever get better. Never. No matter what you do, no matter what you say will help him. He is the one with the problem, so he is the one that needs to deal with it, not you.

With me it wasn't only men he was jealous of. He was jealous of everyone else in my life. My father, brother, son, girlfriends and EVEN my horse. He was jealous of anyone or anything that took time and attention away from him. The only time he was not jealous was after my car accident and I was stuck in the hospital or at home and couldn't go anywhere. Don't be me and do what I did. I kept him around because it was easier to deal with him than to break up. I broke up with him twice before I finally made it final about 2 years ago. It took me meeting someone else before I finally had the balls to break it off and make it stick. I haven't looked back and I couldn't be happier. If I could have looked into the future to see how happy I am now I would have broken it off with him a long long time ago.

One of the after affects of being with someone like him is you get used to this kind of behavior and tend to gravitate towards the same type of person or when you find someone who is not controlling and not jealous you feel like something is wrong in the relationship. I felt this way for a while in my new (now 2 year old) relationship. That's why jumping right into another relationship after a bad one is not a good idea. Mine just happened to work out and we are both very happy.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide.

Amy

Heinz 57
Mar. 19, 2012, 01:12 PM
That's assuming, of course, that you're behaving reasonably.

This is what I was wondering... rather than immediately jumping down his throat about being jealous, it might be wise to first re-examine if what *you* are doing is appropriate. Then, if it is, talk to him about it. If he's important to you, reach a compromise that will make you both happy.

Jealousy doesn't have to mean "I think you're cheating". It may just mean "You're doing something I'm uncomfortable with".

sketcher
Mar. 19, 2012, 01:45 PM
As long as you are behaving honorably around these male horse friends, maintaining appropriate social boundaries, and are mostly in public areas with other people around, you are doing nothing wrong. Your partner should be able to trust you if you are worthy of trust.


What does being in public areas have to do with anything? I have close friends (some of them ex's) that I like to do things with whether it is just to sit with them and watch a movie or go on long hikes. Most of those activities are one on one activities where we could be humping like bunnies if we wanted to - but my spouse trusts me implicitly. I am pretty much not a 'group activity' kind of person. I enjoy the emotional intimacy I experience with my friends and would not be in a relationship with someone who would want to deny me that out of insecurity or mistrust.

Without trust you really have nothing. A person should not have to verify that trust by only being seen in public.

meupatdoes
Mar. 19, 2012, 01:53 PM
Jealousy doesn't have to mean "I think you're cheating". It may just mean "You're doing something I'm uncomfortable with".

Except, since when does one person get to limit another person's activities to only things the first person is "comfortable with"?

"I'm not jealous, I'm just uncomfortable with the fact that you went on a trail ride with another guy."

Sooo...woman is now supposed to limit her activities so that she is never going on a trail ride with another guy, to make sure that significant other is "comfortable"?

DieBlaueReiterin
Mar. 19, 2012, 01:58 PM
i personally could not deal with this kind of thing. i want to be able to hang out with who i want when i want...as long as it's not taking away from my SOs time with me. luckily we are both very understanding and trust each other entirely...i'd say once every month or 2 he goes out with his best friend (a woman) and they party, go to bars and end up crashing back at her place. i have zero problems with this bc i know he would never do anything with her! it wouldn't matter if she were naked and throwing herself in his lap. that's the kind of trust you need in a relationship, i think.

Bacardi1
Mar. 19, 2012, 02:02 PM
I could never understand jealousy in relationships, & can only guess that it's due to a serious lack of maturity.

Frankly, I have more male friends than female friends, & my husband has several female friends. Neither one of us feels threatened in any way.

Think about it - in the long run, if something is going to "happen", it's going to happen, whether it's with a friend or someone else. Working yourself into a lather thinking about what "might" happen is stupid, fruitless, unproductive, & ultimately destructive. You either trust your spouse/SO to love you & be honest with you with their feelings, or you don't. And if you don't, that's a whole nother ball of wax.

Heinz 57
Mar. 19, 2012, 02:16 PM
Except, since when does one person get to limit another person's activities to only things the first person is "comfortable with"?

"I'm not jealous, I'm just uncomfortable with the fact that you went on a trail ride with another guy."

Sooo...woman is now supposed to limit her activities so that she is never going on a trail ride with another guy, to make sure that significant other is "comfortable"?


IMO/E, every relationship has different boundaries as far as what each partner is comfortable with. Woman and man need to agree on those. There is no set "rule".

Clearly, Woman and Man in OP's scenario aren't in agreement.

Tapperjockey
Mar. 19, 2012, 02:54 PM
Except, since when does one person get to limit another person's activities to only things the first person is "comfortable with"?

"I'm not jealous, I'm just uncomfortable with the fact that you went on a trail ride with another guy."

Sooo...woman is now supposed to limit her activities so that she is never going on a trail ride with another guy, to make sure that significant other is "comfortable"?

Not necessarily.

But it's something that needs to be discussed. I would be uncomfortable if my SO showered with another woman.

Now, it may be totally platonic, but I would not be okay with that. So he doesn't shower with other women. I have no problem with him showering at the gym however, and there are other guys there using the shower rooms and sauna and stuff.

He would not be okay with me showering with other men. So I don't shower with other men. He would be okay with me showering with other females I'm sure.. (hell, he'd be thrilled that I was at the gym and actually using my membership instead of wasting the money).

See. it works both ways. We know this, because we've discussed it. We have open lines of communication.

danceronice
Mar. 19, 2012, 06:32 PM
Not necessarily.

But it's something that needs to be discussed. I would be uncomfortable if my SO showered with another woman.

Now, it may be totally platonic, but I would not be okay with that. So he doesn't shower with other women. I have no problem with him showering at the gym however, and there are other guys there using the shower rooms and sauna and stuff.

He would not be okay with me showering with other men. So I don't shower with other men. He would be okay with me showering with other females I'm sure.. (hell, he'd be thrilled that I was at the gym and actually using my membership instead of wasting the money).

See. it works both ways. We know this, because we've discussed it. We have open lines of communication.

This. For me, you'd have to be a HUGELY trusting person to have an SO where you could say "Go wherever you want with whomever you want and do whatever you feel is all right, and I will never question you and will trust both you and the people you're with completely no matter what the situation." It's a little self-centered to say that you can be in an relationship and do whatever you want with whomever you want, and if the other person is uncomfortable with it they're obviously an evil controlling jerk who's a heartbeat away from becoming a domestic abuser.

If I were in the OP's shoes, assuming that the SO hasn't already explained what he objects to specifically and assuming this hasn't been going on for as long as she's known these male HF (ie this is a recent thing) I would examine what I'd been doing differently, and I'd ask what is specifically bothering him about them.

Beam Me Up
Mar. 19, 2012, 06:57 PM
If he is jealous of the horse hunt with the HFs and their wives I wonder if the issue is just jealousy of time spent with horses and the related bonding over your horse loss, rather than romantic jealousy? He's upset that he doesn't share your horsey bond?

If it is just your HFs he is worried about, here is a story of unreasonable jealousy which may or may not relate . . .
I used to date a guy who was unreasonably worried about one of my (totally platonic) roommates. No idea why, roommate had a gf, we weren't even that close, but since we lived in the same house I couldn't exactly reduce contact, and the bf was lame, I dumped him. 1 week later ex-bf announced relationship with his roommate, and only 2 months later they married. I believe it was he who had roommate relations on the brain the whole time . . .

Trakehner
Mar. 19, 2012, 08:43 PM
OK, I'm a guy and look at it a bit differently.

I grew up with girls as my best friends at the barn...I see females as capable of being friends. Most guys were never around girls with shared interests. Girls were for dating. They don't understand why a guy would be friends with a girl unless he was trying to sleep with her. A limited viewpoint but the only one he's been exposed to.

Also, a guy who only sees his girlfriend/wife as a sex object and not an interesting person with all sorts of talents and interests won't see her as offering anything valuable except for sex...once again, a limited and very sad viewpoint.

I'm very careful at the barn to not cause "an appearance of impropriety"...don't want any husband/boyfriend to have any "real" reason to be jealous.

This also makes barns a bit lonely for the male rider...we really can't call the females to go riding or go out for something to eat after riding except in larger groups...again, the appearanc of impropriety. I also would never do anything to make Mrs. Trak concerned about my friendships with other riders.

Canaqua
Mar. 19, 2012, 08:46 PM
I won't tolerate undeserved/unreasonable jealousy from a partner. It's a poorly disguised attempt at control and I won't have it, period. My ex-husband tried some of that BS at one point, being jealous and questioning me about every male I interacted with. I told him that his shitty behavior was going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy...if I were going to "do the time" anyway, why not just commit the "crime"? He got it and shut up.

Some women find jealousy flattering, I've never understood that, I find it insulting. I'm trustworthy, if you don't trust me, get lost.