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View Full Version : The $700 Pony Goes Christmas Shopping (part 4)



Reynard Ridge
Dec. 20, 2004, 09:03 PM
A good friend of mine recently mentioned in a very off hand way that she thought I was a little on the anal side. I was aghast. I’m would be the opposite of anal. Anal people have their lives in ORDER! Anal people are not up until 4am trying to get a 14 year old printer to print out addresses on their Christmas Cards. An anal person would have realized that it would have taken less time to teach the cat to write and then have her address the cards.

No, no, I’m not anal. But I kind of wish I were, just a little.

Anal people can get places ON TIME. Not to mention CLEAN and TIDY. Or at least some relative version of clean and tidy. I am one of those people who always look disheveled and like they are running late. Usually because I am.

I did decide, though, that with the advent of the $700 Pony, that it was time for a fresh start. You know, one of those, “Today is the first day of your life” kind of deals. I could present myself a little better at the barn, tidy up a bit, plan better to be sure to be on time. Blah, blah. So I bought myself one of those charming little Ariat vest. Hey, you’ve got to start somewhere, and “A” for Ariat seemed like a fine place.

Having purchased said charming Ariat vest, it was time to bite the proverbial billet and scheduled a lesson with my trainer/therapist. People were beginning to ask me if the $700 Pony was some weird delusion that I had made up in order to get invited to the barn Christmas party.

I scheduled a lesson for a week away at 10am. And, with my new resolution of being the new improved pulled together me, I put together a plan for the new improved pulled together $700 Pony. I mean, I really like the $700 Pony, but the truth is, she looks a lot like a $700 Pony. She needed at least two parts elbow grease and 1 part Cowboy Magic to get her looking more like a, say $750 Pony. So plan as follows: (a) trace clip her (b) pull her mane (c) wash her tail and (d) clean my tack.

It goes without saying that none of this happened. I have two tiny children. For those of you who do not have experience with human children, imagine that you have four female dogs who have all whelped at the same time. Each bearing twelve puppies. The bitches have rejected the puppies and you have to hand feed each of the 48 puppies. And you have lost both of your hands in a combine accident and can’t afford prosthetics. This is a close approximation of life with two tiny children.

I gave up on the trace clip when it took me four weeks to get a blanket that fit. I FINALLY got the wight wug two days before my lesson. But, since the $700 Pony faints dead away every time I approach her with the clipper, I decided discretion was the better part of surviving to collect social security and left her fuzzy.

She also fainted every time I tried to pull her mane. So I pulled a little bit every day. I figured a couple of hairs here and a couple of hairs there every day and before you knew it, she would have a tidy pulled mane. And probably by Easter, she will. Okay, so her mane looks a little shaggy, not the end of the world.

As for washing her tail, well, given her reaction to clippers, I decided that fighting the great water battle in the dead of winter might not be such a great idea. A little Cowboy Magic and a brush, a quick bang (which is not exactly the same thing as the ‘quick bang’ that would do my poor husband a world of good right now) and her tail looked pretty spiffy.

So now we are down to the things you can accomplish the night before: clean pony and clean tack. Feeling that hefty burden that all mother’s shoulder (that would be “guilt,” people), I decided that my 48 orphan puppy equivalents needed more attention than the $700 Pony, so I skipped the barn the night before and added an extra hour on the morning side for Pony Prep.

Are you ready for some higher math?

Lesson is at 10:00am. Add 1 hour for cleaning Pony and tack + 1 hour trailering + ½ ‘bonus’ hour because I am a moron and cannot possibly stick to a time schedule. I decided that I needed to leave the house at 8:30. That would be am, not pm. Anybody out there scratching their head?

Yeah, so here’s what happens. 8:30am comes and goes as I am patting babies on the head, trying to locate a missing file for my husband and shouting out last minute instructions to my mother in the proper care and feeding of tiny children. She raised me so clearly she has no idea what she is doing.

I finally hop in the truck around, say 5 minutes to 9, thinking “Good thing for that bonus ½ hour!” I go into abrupt cardiac infarction when I see that the clock in the truck reads FIVE MINUTES TO TEN!! Where’s the fruitbat!!?? I resume normal pulse and respiration when I realize that I never bothered to change the clock in the truck for daylight savings time. And then return to previous state of cardiac infarction when I realize that I have screwed up big time.

There will be no clean tack, no clean $700 Pony and it is possible there will be no lesson.

With one eye pasted to the rearview mirror, I scream to the barn. Officer McGinley and I had a business meeting a couple of years ago. His business, alas, which would be dealing with miscreants, not mine.

Specifically, it was 6am and I was 5 minutes into my hour and 15 minute commute to work and I had had no sleep the prior night since child #1 was not at that point sleeping through the night. Officer McGinley pointed out to me, the picture of legal politeness, that he had clocked me doing 61 in a 40mph zone.

I, the picture of blithe foolishness replied, “Well, could be worse! I was only in fourth gear and about to shift up when I saw your lights!” After that episode, my husband and I decided it might be safer if I stayed at home with the children.

Arriving at the barn and thanking the higher power that the Fancy Schmancy Facility people had read my note and left the $700 Pony inside, I broke all landspeed records for hitching up the trailer and fled down the aisle toward the $700 Pony.

Luckily, the $700 Pony took pity on me and got right on the trailer. The list of stuff you need to take with you for a lesson is actually tattooed on my palm (so I forgot a girth ONCE, um, and a bridle, well, maybe twice, oh and there was that one time I left my saddle back at the barn. Well, it’s not like I drown kittens, for crying out loud!) so I did head out the driveway with hat, bat, gloves, saddle, girth, and bridle as well as the Pony.

So there I am now flying down the road and I reach for my cell phone to let trainer/therapist know I am on my way, which, by the way, is technically illegal in the state of NJ, and luckily for me, (whew!), my cell phone is on low battery. Ah, well probably not a good day to stop at the Verizon store to get that car charger I have been talking about buying for the past decade. Could probably get the handless thing, there, too, but who the heck has time for that kind of stuff?

So what is the damage? Well the 1 hour I blocked out for trailering is really too much. It is less than a ½ hour driving in my car, so figure 40 minutes, tops with the trailer. And it is only 9:33 and it is only a ½ hour lesson and my trainer/therapist doesn’t have another lesson until 11:00. So it’s going to be fine. I’m going to be a little late, and the $700 Pony is going to look like a $700 Pony and I am going to look exactly like I usually do, except with a charming little Ariat vest on, so what the heck. All is well.

But pride cometh before a fall, does it not? Because as I am trucking along, I realize I am making better time that I thought. So much better in fact, that I am beginning to believe that I will pull into the driveway REALLY CLOSE to 10:00am. So it will be like I am not late at all, mostly. And maybe with the charming vest on, I can pull it off!

But you know that is not the case. And you are not going to believe what I did next, because I can barely believe it myself. But believe it. It really, truly happened this way.

And to clarify, I have lived in this general vicinity for YEARS. I have driven these roads for the past decade and a half. But let us not forget that I cannot add 1 hour + 1 hour + ½ hour properly.

So there I am at the stop light, ready to make the turn onto Route 78, counting the seconds as they tick off on my truck clock, thinking, “Maybe, maybe, I will not be TOO late…” when I accidentally turn into the Wal-Mart parking lot.

Well, shoot! you say. How in the heck could anyone mistake a WAL-MART PARKING LOT FOR A MAJOR NEW JERSEY STATE THOROUGHFARE??????

Well, no matter HOW it happened. It happened. And there I am, in the Wal-Mart parking lot. With my rig. And here’s the kicker, folks. THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS!! Bad time to get caught in the Wal-Mart parking lot. It was a bit like an Escher sketch. You could get in, BUT THERE WAS NO WAY OUT!

I went left – there was a monster Hummer blocking my way. I went right, there were a flock of mini-vans disgorging their human cargo. I feint, I jab, I punch and I am stuck in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

It was with an air of desperation and that I finally gave up on the seemingly simple task of turning my rig around in the Wal-Mart parking lot to duck out down a small side road with the ominous sign “Dead End.” Why would anyone do this, you ask? Because in my rose colored glasses world, I am thinking dead end = cul-de-sac = nice turn around area.

Okay, raise your hands, anyone who actually passed Geometry in High School. Remember all those bloody logic theroms? Well here is a new one for you: while all cul-de-sacs are all dead ends, NOT ALL DEAD ENDS ARE CUL-DE-SACS!

It has been years since I regularly squired my horse around. Pondering this as the sweat marks formed under my less and less charming Ariat vest, I had a flashback to the 2000 Presidental Election (where the h&*l is THIS going, I can hear some of you wondering), when I hauled my old mare over to the local horse park for a dawn, pre-work gallop. The date rings so clear in my mind because on the way back to the barn, The Princess and I stopped to vote. Well, she didn’t actually vote, not being of voting age, of course, but I did. And then neatly turned the very self same rig I was currently driving around on a dime and handed back $0.06 change! But that was a very long time ago.

And now, at this very moment, I am hauling the $700 Pony down a lonely dead end road, stopping every hundred yards or so to try and turn around. I tried a 43-point turn here, moved on the next relatively wide swath of dead end roadway to try a 37-point turn. Anyone watching would have thought the rig was being driven by an idiot. They would have been right.

Of course, it all worked out in the end. Despite my moronic miscalculation of the Wal-Mart parking lot as a major NJ thoroughfare and an equally village idiot move to leaving the wide open spaces of the parking lot for a dead end road I was eventually able to by sheer force of will turn the rig around and get going in the right direction.

I did get to my trainers barn in time to squeeze in a ½ lesson. And because she knows me so well, she didn’t even ASK why I was late. Which is good, because telling her I had gotten ‘lost’ would have been more humiliating than being lost. She did, however, mention that she though my new vest was just spiffy.

Anti-climax: The pony had a lovely lesson. For those of you who don’t know me in person (which would be every single one of you, I think) I have been known to take a bit of, shall we say, literary license with the facts. I DO actually ride the pony and it is possible, although not necessarily probable that she will be ready to event this spring.

Reynard Ridge
Dec. 20, 2004, 09:03 PM
A good friend of mine recently mentioned in a very off hand way that she thought I was a little on the anal side. I was aghast. I’m would be the opposite of anal. Anal people have their lives in ORDER! Anal people are not up until 4am trying to get a 14 year old printer to print out addresses on their Christmas Cards. An anal person would have realized that it would have taken less time to teach the cat to write and then have her address the cards.

No, no, I’m not anal. But I kind of wish I were, just a little.

Anal people can get places ON TIME. Not to mention CLEAN and TIDY. Or at least some relative version of clean and tidy. I am one of those people who always look disheveled and like they are running late. Usually because I am.

I did decide, though, that with the advent of the $700 Pony, that it was time for a fresh start. You know, one of those, “Today is the first day of your life” kind of deals. I could present myself a little better at the barn, tidy up a bit, plan better to be sure to be on time. Blah, blah. So I bought myself one of those charming little Ariat vest. Hey, you’ve got to start somewhere, and “A” for Ariat seemed like a fine place.

Having purchased said charming Ariat vest, it was time to bite the proverbial billet and scheduled a lesson with my trainer/therapist. People were beginning to ask me if the $700 Pony was some weird delusion that I had made up in order to get invited to the barn Christmas party.

I scheduled a lesson for a week away at 10am. And, with my new resolution of being the new improved pulled together me, I put together a plan for the new improved pulled together $700 Pony. I mean, I really like the $700 Pony, but the truth is, she looks a lot like a $700 Pony. She needed at least two parts elbow grease and 1 part Cowboy Magic to get her looking more like a, say $750 Pony. So plan as follows: (a) trace clip her (b) pull her mane (c) wash her tail and (d) clean my tack.

It goes without saying that none of this happened. I have two tiny children. For those of you who do not have experience with human children, imagine that you have four female dogs who have all whelped at the same time. Each bearing twelve puppies. The bitches have rejected the puppies and you have to hand feed each of the 48 puppies. And you have lost both of your hands in a combine accident and can’t afford prosthetics. This is a close approximation of life with two tiny children.

I gave up on the trace clip when it took me four weeks to get a blanket that fit. I FINALLY got the wight wug two days before my lesson. But, since the $700 Pony faints dead away every time I approach her with the clipper, I decided discretion was the better part of surviving to collect social security and left her fuzzy.

She also fainted every time I tried to pull her mane. So I pulled a little bit every day. I figured a couple of hairs here and a couple of hairs there every day and before you knew it, she would have a tidy pulled mane. And probably by Easter, she will. Okay, so her mane looks a little shaggy, not the end of the world.

As for washing her tail, well, given her reaction to clippers, I decided that fighting the great water battle in the dead of winter might not be such a great idea. A little Cowboy Magic and a brush, a quick bang (which is not exactly the same thing as the ‘quick bang’ that would do my poor husband a world of good right now) and her tail looked pretty spiffy.

So now we are down to the things you can accomplish the night before: clean pony and clean tack. Feeling that hefty burden that all mother’s shoulder (that would be “guilt,” people), I decided that my 48 orphan puppy equivalents needed more attention than the $700 Pony, so I skipped the barn the night before and added an extra hour on the morning side for Pony Prep.

Are you ready for some higher math?

Lesson is at 10:00am. Add 1 hour for cleaning Pony and tack + 1 hour trailering + ½ ‘bonus’ hour because I am a moron and cannot possibly stick to a time schedule. I decided that I needed to leave the house at 8:30. That would be am, not pm. Anybody out there scratching their head?

Yeah, so here’s what happens. 8:30am comes and goes as I am patting babies on the head, trying to locate a missing file for my husband and shouting out last minute instructions to my mother in the proper care and feeding of tiny children. She raised me so clearly she has no idea what she is doing.

I finally hop in the truck around, say 5 minutes to 9, thinking “Good thing for that bonus ½ hour!” I go into abrupt cardiac infarction when I see that the clock in the truck reads FIVE MINUTES TO TEN!! Where’s the fruitbat!!?? I resume normal pulse and respiration when I realize that I never bothered to change the clock in the truck for daylight savings time. And then return to previous state of cardiac infarction when I realize that I have screwed up big time.

There will be no clean tack, no clean $700 Pony and it is possible there will be no lesson.

With one eye pasted to the rearview mirror, I scream to the barn. Officer McGinley and I had a business meeting a couple of years ago. His business, alas, which would be dealing with miscreants, not mine.

Specifically, it was 6am and I was 5 minutes into my hour and 15 minute commute to work and I had had no sleep the prior night since child #1 was not at that point sleeping through the night. Officer McGinley pointed out to me, the picture of legal politeness, that he had clocked me doing 61 in a 40mph zone.

I, the picture of blithe foolishness replied, “Well, could be worse! I was only in fourth gear and about to shift up when I saw your lights!” After that episode, my husband and I decided it might be safer if I stayed at home with the children.

Arriving at the barn and thanking the higher power that the Fancy Schmancy Facility people had read my note and left the $700 Pony inside, I broke all landspeed records for hitching up the trailer and fled down the aisle toward the $700 Pony.

Luckily, the $700 Pony took pity on me and got right on the trailer. The list of stuff you need to take with you for a lesson is actually tattooed on my palm (so I forgot a girth ONCE, um, and a bridle, well, maybe twice, oh and there was that one time I left my saddle back at the barn. Well, it’s not like I drown kittens, for crying out loud!) so I did head out the driveway with hat, bat, gloves, saddle, girth, and bridle as well as the Pony.

So there I am now flying down the road and I reach for my cell phone to let trainer/therapist know I am on my way, which, by the way, is technically illegal in the state of NJ, and luckily for me, (whew!), my cell phone is on low battery. Ah, well probably not a good day to stop at the Verizon store to get that car charger I have been talking about buying for the past decade. Could probably get the handless thing, there, too, but who the heck has time for that kind of stuff?

So what is the damage? Well the 1 hour I blocked out for trailering is really too much. It is less than a ½ hour driving in my car, so figure 40 minutes, tops with the trailer. And it is only 9:33 and it is only a ½ hour lesson and my trainer/therapist doesn’t have another lesson until 11:00. So it’s going to be fine. I’m going to be a little late, and the $700 Pony is going to look like a $700 Pony and I am going to look exactly like I usually do, except with a charming little Ariat vest on, so what the heck. All is well.

But pride cometh before a fall, does it not? Because as I am trucking along, I realize I am making better time that I thought. So much better in fact, that I am beginning to believe that I will pull into the driveway REALLY CLOSE to 10:00am. So it will be like I am not late at all, mostly. And maybe with the charming vest on, I can pull it off!

But you know that is not the case. And you are not going to believe what I did next, because I can barely believe it myself. But believe it. It really, truly happened this way.

And to clarify, I have lived in this general vicinity for YEARS. I have driven these roads for the past decade and a half. But let us not forget that I cannot add 1 hour + 1 hour + ½ hour properly.

So there I am at the stop light, ready to make the turn onto Route 78, counting the seconds as they tick off on my truck clock, thinking, “Maybe, maybe, I will not be TOO late…” when I accidentally turn into the Wal-Mart parking lot.

Well, shoot! you say. How in the heck could anyone mistake a WAL-MART PARKING LOT FOR A MAJOR NEW JERSEY STATE THOROUGHFARE??????

Well, no matter HOW it happened. It happened. And there I am, in the Wal-Mart parking lot. With my rig. And here’s the kicker, folks. THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS!! Bad time to get caught in the Wal-Mart parking lot. It was a bit like an Escher sketch. You could get in, BUT THERE WAS NO WAY OUT!

I went left – there was a monster Hummer blocking my way. I went right, there were a flock of mini-vans disgorging their human cargo. I feint, I jab, I punch and I am stuck in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

It was with an air of desperation and that I finally gave up on the seemingly simple task of turning my rig around in the Wal-Mart parking lot to duck out down a small side road with the ominous sign “Dead End.” Why would anyone do this, you ask? Because in my rose colored glasses world, I am thinking dead end = cul-de-sac = nice turn around area.

Okay, raise your hands, anyone who actually passed Geometry in High School. Remember all those bloody logic theroms? Well here is a new one for you: while all cul-de-sacs are all dead ends, NOT ALL DEAD ENDS ARE CUL-DE-SACS!

It has been years since I regularly squired my horse around. Pondering this as the sweat marks formed under my less and less charming Ariat vest, I had a flashback to the 2000 Presidental Election (where the h&*l is THIS going, I can hear some of you wondering), when I hauled my old mare over to the local horse park for a dawn, pre-work gallop. The date rings so clear in my mind because on the way back to the barn, The Princess and I stopped to vote. Well, she didn’t actually vote, not being of voting age, of course, but I did. And then neatly turned the very self same rig I was currently driving around on a dime and handed back $0.06 change! But that was a very long time ago.

And now, at this very moment, I am hauling the $700 Pony down a lonely dead end road, stopping every hundred yards or so to try and turn around. I tried a 43-point turn here, moved on the next relatively wide swath of dead end roadway to try a 37-point turn. Anyone watching would have thought the rig was being driven by an idiot. They would have been right.

Of course, it all worked out in the end. Despite my moronic miscalculation of the Wal-Mart parking lot as a major NJ thoroughfare and an equally village idiot move to leaving the wide open spaces of the parking lot for a dead end road I was eventually able to by sheer force of will turn the rig around and get going in the right direction.

I did get to my trainers barn in time to squeeze in a ½ lesson. And because she knows me so well, she didn’t even ASK why I was late. Which is good, because telling her I had gotten ‘lost’ would have been more humiliating than being lost. She did, however, mention that she though my new vest was just spiffy.

Anti-climax: The pony had a lovely lesson. For those of you who don’t know me in person (which would be every single one of you, I think) I have been known to take a bit of, shall we say, literary license with the facts. I DO actually ride the pony and it is possible, although not necessarily probable that she will be ready to event this spring.

LoriO
Dec. 20, 2004, 09:17 PM
Ok, if you are not a writer in your real life them you should be!!!! Your posts are always a hoot.

Toadie's mom
Dec. 20, 2004, 09:41 PM
Thank you, thankyou! I had a lousy day, but this helped to cheer me up! Of course, I've never gotten lost pulling my trailer and had to drive 11.3 miles farther down a 2 lane highway to find a place to turn around. I wouldn't have had to go quite so far if I'd found a house sooner that looked empty. Some people don't like it when you drive a truck and horse trailer through their perfectly manicured yard.

sfrider
Dec. 20, 2004, 09:57 PM
Thank you so much for the latest installment. I have two tiny children also and love the description.

sian
Dec. 20, 2004, 10:12 PM
I've also done the 37-point turn with the trailer, dead late and panicking! Good for you -The $700 pony sounds like a doll! I'm eagerly awaiting the next installment! Your posts are wonderful :-) and I really hope you will both be eventing this Spring (just please avoid Wal-Mart and mini-vans in the meantime!)

Beezer
Dec. 20, 2004, 10:15 PM
Bravo! From a hunter person who was always too big to ride a $700 pony. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif

Alibhai's Alibar
Dec. 21, 2004, 12:12 AM
i really love reading about your $700 pony adventures!

i lost it when i read the part about the Ariat vest- i *just* bought one on sale not even 2 months ago and i have been feeling quite charming myself http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

PalominoMorgan
Dec. 21, 2004, 01:43 AM
Look on the bright side... at least the $700 pony didn't manage to convince any kidlets that she deserved some of their $1 cotton candy or a sip of their 25 cents Sam's Choice Cola. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

frugalannie
Dec. 21, 2004, 05:34 AM
OmGih! I think that either you are channeling me, or I'm channeling you in the lesson preps, except there is no Wal-Mart between me and my lesson farm.

And the "quick bang" comment still has me chuckling and wiping tea off my keyboard.

You are the best RR. I hope you, your monastic husband, the 48 puppies and the $700 pony have a great holiday season.

maplebrook
Dec. 21, 2004, 05:38 AM
Thank you!
I laughed out loud - it made my day! http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

gully's pilot
Dec. 21, 2004, 05:47 AM
Honestly, I'm a writer, and it is damned hard to write anything this funny, and you are damned good at it! I am feeling really depressed this morning--my mother-in-law and her husband are due soon--I can't complain to my husband because he is way more depressed about it than I am (those are half his genes, after all)--logging on and getting a new $700 pony installment was exactly what I needed! Thanks.

JSwan
Dec. 21, 2004, 05:50 AM
I LOVE to read your stories. I hope you are printing them out for your scrapbook. Because when your kids are older and they ask why Mommy is in the loony bin, your husband can pull out the scrapbook and reply, "You see, there was this 700$ pony...."

Halfhalting
Dec. 21, 2004, 06:13 AM
Oh you are funny! My life with one 6-month old is crazy (no sleeping through the night for me either yet), so I can only IMAGINE two... I'm impressed you were even able to fine the fancy vest in your house - surely a baby bomb has exploded in your house too!!!???!!!

XCountry
Dec. 21, 2004, 06:33 AM
Why do you call her the $700 pony???

Reynard Ridge
Dec. 21, 2004, 06:45 AM
Because I paid $700 for her http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

http://chronicleforums.com/groupee/forums?a=tpc&s=6656094911&f=2096094911&m=688207344&r=688207344#688207344

rebeginner
Dec. 21, 2004, 06:57 AM
RR, I can't decide whether you've made an inadvertent typo (the familiar reference to "biting the bUllet") or have created a fabulous new turn of phrase, which not only has a basis in fact (I HAVE bitten a BILLET, when my hands are too slick with sweat or covered with Cowboy Magic to tighten a girth and teeth are the only remaining tools), but has instant resonance for riders.

Well done! As usual!

(WalMart parking lot and dead end notwithstanding, I also don't recommend taking your rig through the drive-through at McDonald's for a quick snack after a long, tiring trail ride. What was I thinking? I wasn't. We were hungry. It was my companion's idea. Working through the 23-point turn, the 27-point turn, the 32-point turn, the 38-point turn, all with intermittent help from various cowboys, some of whom spoke English, solidified my resolve never to do it again.)

I can hardly wait for "The $700 Pony Goes to An Event."

JanWeber
Dec. 21, 2004, 07:04 AM
Last time I was racing for a lesson (pony in tow and daughter beside me looking at wristwatch), I decided she REALLY should eat something before her lesson. Ever try to go through the drive-through at the Burger King in Hillsborough (NJ) with a trailer? It's impossible to do with a TRUCK, let alone one attached to a trailer. Everyone, including the trainer, got a good laugh that day. Wait until your two tiny children are told enough to tattle on you!

kt
Dec. 21, 2004, 07:30 AM
Once again, I can't stop laughing..... http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/lol.gif

Fence2Fence
Dec. 21, 2004, 07:35 AM
http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/yes.gif http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Go to Walmart often? LOL

DillansMom
Dec. 21, 2004, 07:54 AM
RR...great, again!

Thanks and Happy Holidays!

eventer4ever
Dec. 21, 2004, 07:56 AM
Absolutely hilarious......just what I needed to lift my spirits this morning~

texang73
Dec. 21, 2004, 08:51 AM
RR... Lovely, fantastic and funny as always! I got funny looks from my students when they hear me laughing from behind my keyboard! (I'm a high school teacher)

Have a wonderful holiday season!

Cannot wait until the next installment!

SaddleFitterVA
Dec. 21, 2004, 08:57 AM
RR,

You have made my morning with that post!

I am giggling uncontrollably and while I bet you are more timely than I am, you make me feel like a paragon of organization and a very timely person by reading your stories.

And, Sarapony probably is going to post that she wasn't aware I had another child and a new horse...since that obviously could have been my story!

Mel

SimpleSimon
Dec. 21, 2004, 09:02 AM
RR – your story cracked me up…and unfortunately reminded me of one of my more embarrassing moments with the truck, trailer and horse.

Let me set the stage by saying at the time this occurred I was living on a shoe-string budget and had a rig that resembled something the Beverly Hillbillys would have been proud of. The truck was a 1969 Ford that had originally been turquoise and white but along the way had earned a new hood that was oxidized navy blue and had also acquired a silver’ish tailgate. I had managed to obtain a free canopy for it – and by looking at it you could tell why it was free. The truck was about 25 years old but through the fate of the Gods (or maybe the devil himself), the trailer I purchased matched the turquoise parts on the truck. Needless to say, you could see and hear me coming from a hundred miles away.

So, I’m heading off for an event – one that I hadn’t been to before – with my girlfriend following behind me in her much more stylish and newer rig. Not surprisingly, I manage to miss the turn for the driveway which was the width of a toothpick with shrubbery on each side. Mild moment of panic ensues as I am really bad at backing up and since the truck doesn’t have power steering all of my turning has to take place while the rig is moving (unless you have the strength of Superman – then you can turn the wheel while the truck is still). So, I continue cruising on down the state highway and see a cemetery. I think to myself this is a WONDERFUL place to turn around because it will have the much appreciated loop driveway. And since we’re in no-mans land, nobody will be there to witness our brief trip around the loop – of course, I’m thinking that I’ll be appropriately solemn and reflective as I drive through.

By now, I’m sure you can guess where this is headed. With the Beverly Hillbilly rig leading the way we head around the loop…and find the loop blocked by a funeral IN PROCESS. It appears that one of the town’s 50 residents has passed away. Crap and other similar words were the first words that sprang to mind – not exactly reflective and solemn or particularly appropriate for attendance at a funeral - nor was I dressed for the moment. So now, I have to back up which I am not the best at and certainly not in this particular truck. But not only do I have to back up, but I have to do it in a loop that was designed for one-way traffic, dodge headstones and graves all while under the watch of those attending the funeral…who suddenly found the appearance of two horse trailers to be much more interesting than the graveside services. Topping this all off, my nickname in elementary school was Tomato Face given my incredible ability to blush at the drop of a hat and between my red face and the bright turquoise rig, anyone that looked at me would need sunglasses or they would be risking permanent damage to their eyes.

After multiple attempts, at jockeying back and forth a few of the attendees of the funeral took pity on us or perhaps got tired of listening to my rattling exhaust and breathing leaded gas fumes and guided us around the headstones and graves. I must say I was beet red and completely mortified and will never again use a cemetery to turn around in.

Keep up the $700 pony stories - they always bring a smile to my face and I'm sure to many other faces as well!

Reynard Ridge
Dec. 21, 2004, 10:23 AM
Hoot!!!!!!!!! I LOVE that story!

savvy
Dec. 21, 2004, 10:33 AM
So RR, I took your advice and decided to save time by trying to teach our cats to address the xmas cards that still haven't been mailed. Let me tell you I am not having much luck. They keep batting the pen around and chewing on the end. Plus, they seem to have no aptitude for reading the addresses.

Love your stories. Keep them coming.

SillyHorse
Dec. 21, 2004, 11:05 AM
I have to come back another time to finish reading this. I totally lost it at the "quick bang" comment. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/lol.gif http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/lol.gif

sarapony
Dec. 21, 2004, 12:23 PM
RR - I am here to tell you that it is entirely possible to be anal without be neat and timely. SaddlefitterVA is a living example of this contradictory creature. The only thing she will ever be on time for is lunch and the only thing that is ever clean is her tack.

Her truck, kitchen and car are disaster areas and I managed to ride 2 horses between her scheduled arrival and actual arrival time this past weekend http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_redface.gif http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/lol.gif However, if you want to see her anal retentiveness in action, ask her about designing her farm, saddlefitting, or researching any particular subject. She will spend hours becoming the newest expert in a given field, but considers it a miraculous feat to clean off her kitchen island. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

So being anal will not help you on your quest for timeliness or neatness but at least the Ariat vest will make you well dressed for your fashionablly late arrival

Reynard Ridge
Dec. 21, 2004, 12:34 PM
Hhhhmmm. Maybe SaddlefitterVA is my secret twin! Maybe we were separated at BIRTH!! At least I don't feel quite so alone any more. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

To the MAX
Dec. 21, 2004, 12:47 PM
Aww, great story! It was very well written and really funny. Who do you train with? (I go to Del Val!) Oh, and even funnier because I know exactly the WalMart you did this at and what road you turned into..I'm sure you had fun with that one http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

jherold
Dec. 21, 2004, 01:18 PM
Great story! Reminded me of my first experience trailering. My best friend and I were trailing our horse to be bred. We were going from Illinois to Ohio with a borrowed truck and trailer. It was a dark and stormy night; literally. Unfortunately, we didn't believe the "bridge out" signs until faced with the obvious. Namely, a physical barrier right before the bridge. (To our credit, we were expecting to reach our destination at any moment and had thought that the stud owner would not have failed to mention something quite so obvious. Turned out, we had made a wrong turn earlier, so we really were on the wrong road). Anyway, neither one of us had ever backed up a trailer. The only option was a very narrow dirt road heading into a field. Did I mention that it was a dark and stormy night? Did I mention that it was a dirt, now very muddy road? Did I mention that it was not our truck? Thank God for owner's manuals! I looked up instructions on putting the truck into 4 wheel drive, and even found instructions on how to back up with a trailer! We managed to get unstuck from the mud and turned around with no damage to the truck or occupants and with a new found belief in the power of prayer!

SaddleFitterVA
Dec. 21, 2004, 01:43 PM
While I'm not in the same category as RR, my long lost twin, when it comes to writing funny homilies....I will attempt to contribute to the humorous aspect of the thread.

One of the things I've learned while dealing with construction that some terms just have different meanings...you get along better if you can learn these terms. And better yet if you can say them with a straight face.

There are the common terms that everyone knows about. Such as male and female connections in plumbing and electrical. Males fit into females...guy talk eh?

First off, if you ever start talking about building a metal frame arena or barn, you get lots of "erection" talk. And this is from guys, said with a straight face.

Then, you get into plumbing parts. Ah, the vocabulary. When I started building the farm, I never would have imagined that guys would call me to tell me the nipples I ordered are in.

You see, I wanted to build blanket bars, like the ones that are at a barn I frequent. I like the bars, and realized that they were made from plumbing supplies. I also realized that there was little chance of finding those items at Lowe's or Home Depot, and this means going to the plumbing supply store to attempt to communicate in a foreign language.

I go, because I have to buy 4 new frost free yard hydrants to replace the POS ones that Tractor Supply sold me. But, this was a good chance to get my blanket bar supplies. I stammer my way through an attempt at describing what I want....

SF: "What I'm trying to do is find pipe, that has a wall mount and an elbow and is about <this big>, so that I can fit a closet rod sized dowel inside as a bar, I think it is cast iron or something"
Salesguy: "Are you sure it is cast iron?"
SF: "no, it has a bit of a pebbly texture though, like it could have been cast"
Salesguy: "probably steel pipe"
SF: "Sure, it could be steel"
Salesguy: "would pvc work?"
SF: "Oh no, that wouldn't be anywhere sturdy enough"
Salesguy: draws a picture, explaining that an elbow gives no clearance and I'd need a flange, a nipple and an elbow....
Salesguy: "Let me go into the back and see what I have"

So, Salesguy brings out stuff, I look and it is a 2 male end nipple, and a female end elbow. They have no flanges, but can get them in.

Salesguy: "Do you want 5" or 6" nipples?"
SF: <who has mastered not snickering at female anatomy parts being used as names of hardware> "I think the 5", how far does the flange stick out?"

So, today, I get a call. The cell phone is crackly and I hear "Hello, shsla;lkjf ;alsjasdfie shhshsh at adfasdf in Leesburg", I say "where?" I hear "from asshshsre, your akfsig, nipples and elbows are in".

Oh...nipples, must be the plumbing supply store! I ask "oh, my stuff is in? Thanks. I'll come by tomorrow morning to pick it up".

So, when you get ready to build, and are a petite, female acting as a general contractor, you must learn the poker face. Also, it is important to know how to nod, and repeat back so that you sound really more educated in such things than you are! Driving a cool, red dually is also going to get you some contractor brownie points. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif.

Mel

Reynard Ridge
Dec. 21, 2004, 02:53 PM
ooooooo SaddleFitterVA, we ARE long lost twins (and you are tres funny, do not sell yourself short)...only my contractors are AMISH! Makes it EVEN FUNNIER!!

'Course, my Amish contractors were out running the skid steer and chainsaw, WHILE smoking, WHILE eating popcorn they popped in my microwave, WHILE knocking on my door to borrow TV and DVD player. What IS this world coming to??

SaddlefitterVA, glad to meet 'cha, long lost twin!

Reynard Ridge
Dec. 21, 2004, 03:23 PM
Ms Marley! You must know my old mare, Sally! Gosh, I miss her! The plan is to retire her back to my farm (assuming the Amish guys can get the barn done between cigarette breaks) when she has jumped her last jump!

I cannot divulge the identity of my trainer. She does not know about the tales of the $700 Pony. As she referred to me as "delusional" in her last email to me (and if you think I am kidding, I AM NOT!), so I fear this thread might be the last straw.

Interestingly, in the past few days I am starting to connect with people who either actually know me or live near me. These tales WILL come to and end, soon, alas, as I will at some point be outted for the tall taler that I am. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

LostFarmer
Dec. 21, 2004, 04:18 PM
What could be better than a $700 pony? 2 $700 ponies. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif

Proud Owner of 2 $700 ponies.

Laur
Dec. 21, 2004, 07:39 PM
I'm completely hooked on the adventures of the $700 Pony! Please keep em coming RR http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif They're fantastic!

LAD
Dec. 21, 2004, 09:09 PM
http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/lol.gif http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/lol.gif http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/lol.gif http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/lol.gif

Please, please, please keep the updates coming! I check every day to see if you have written another edition. I don't know when I have laughed so hard. My family thanks you for putting me in a better mood. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

annikak
Dec. 22, 2004, 07:43 AM
delightful as usual! THank you! Tall stories or not, I luv um!

Therese
Dec. 22, 2004, 11:56 AM
I have SOOO been there!

I had to drop off dry cleaning last night. The dry cleaners we patronize (I don't think that's really the word I want to use...but it will do for now) are in the same small plaza as a Best Buy, PetSmart, Starbucks, and a Maggie Moos (the BEST ice cream around here I've found!) along with a few other "minor" stores. Needless to say the lot was quite full.

I know exactly what you mean about turning left and seeing a Hummer blocking your path. I drive an F-350 crew cab long bed (not well, I will admit), and it took me over 15 min of cruising around a VERY small parking lot before I could find a spot that I could back into it. It had to be on the perimeter so that I could back in, an preferably without a car hugging the white lines so I could fit in. I held up traffic for only a short while to back the beast into the spot. Only had to pull forward once, I was so proud of myself! http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif Drop off the drycleaning, pick some up, and back to the truck to leave.
Getting out of said small parking lot only took 20 min. The $#*%(&^ mini cars kept going around me when I was trying to make a left turn into the exit lanes because I was actually waiting for enough room not to block 3 lanes of traffic. They (the &%$^ mini cars) couldn't wait that long, so cut around me and made me wait even longer. I finally had to say to hell with it and block both incoming lanes and the outgoing lane. I'm sure there were more than a few curses thrown my way!

Best of luck with the $700 Pony! I love reading your stories!

desilu
Dec. 22, 2004, 06:30 PM
Well done. I am so hooked on the $700 pony Chronicles. Can't wait for the next installment.

As someone who actually works at Wal-Mart and face that parking lot on a daily basis, you're discription is unfortunately all too true.

What will be the next big adventure?

jhodkin
Dec. 23, 2004, 02:41 AM
RR - I haven't laughed out loud at something so funny in a long time http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif. Thank you. I really think you have a talent and really should compile a book - it would definately be a best seller in the horsey world! http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/yes.gif

Julia
Future Sport Horses - Event Horse Breeders (http://www.futuresporthorses.co.uk)

Candle
Dec. 23, 2004, 09:17 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sarapony:
RR - I am here to tell you that it is entirely possible to be anal without be neat and timely. SaddlefitterVA is a living example of this contradictory creature. The only thing she will ever be on time for is lunch and the only thing that is ever clean is her tack.

Her truck, kitchen and car are disaster areas and I managed to ride 2 horses between her scheduled arrival and actual arrival time this past weekend http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_redface.gif http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/lol.gif However, if you want to see her anal retentiveness in action, ask her about designing her farm, saddlefitting, or researching any particular subject. She will spend hours becoming the newest expert in a given field, but considers it a miraculous feat to clean off her kitchen island. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

So being anal will not help you on your quest for timeliness or neatness but at least the Ariat vest will make you well dressed for your fashionablly late arrival <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

YES!!!!!!! there are others like me! I just explained to my boyfriend last night that the cleaner my barn is, the dirtier my apartment is. After i arrived an hour and a half late for our movie night date. but i did look really cute and i matched my snowpants to my fleece http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/lol.gif and I do consider myself an anal person. I really am. I just have to have the right motivation.

The natural
Dec. 23, 2004, 10:30 AM
these posts are great. Thanks for spending the time to write them for us. There was a remark earlier about the undesirability of pulling a trailer through someone's front yard--unfortunately, I've done it. I was going off to pick up a horse to bring to our barn and we got lost. We ended up on a one-lane gravel road in the woods. Of course it was pouring. Suddenly, there was a house. They weren't too crazy about letting us use the phone, so you can imagine how they felt about the prospect of my Suburban and 2 horse bumper pull turning around in the only open space available. The house was fairly new, and the grass in the yard wasn't established yet. Besides, being in the Piedmont of NC, the dirt underneath was slimy red clay. All I know is that it took 4 wheel drive and a couple of back and forths to complete the turn and I never want to go back there again.

Reynard Ridge
Dec. 23, 2004, 12:00 PM
So the REAL book that needs to get written are the trailering horror stories that we all seem to have!

The very, very first time I ever drove a trailer, the trainer I had come to the x-c schooling with (an hours drive on a major highway, by the way) had an accident and got airlifted to the hospital.

Her boyfriend came running back to the trailer, threw me the keys and said "You can haul them home, can't you? I'm going to the hospital."

Um, yeah. Do you say "no?" in a situation like that? All turned out well in the end. She was fine, horses got home and I consquently got some quick trailering lessons for next time.

slp2
Dec. 23, 2004, 12:29 PM
That's what I was thinking RR! Maybe it could be something like: "Chicken Soup for the Trailer Hauling Soul" (ok, maybe that's a bit overused . . .) http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif "Zen and the Art of the 47-Point Turn"?

Yep, I was one of those "city folk" that always wanted a horse as a kid. As an adult, I got that horse--but found out that owning a horse meant I had to learn to drive a truck and trailer. Keep in mind that no one in my extended family had driven anything remotely related to agricultural equipment (not even a lawn tractor!!) With that genetic framework, you can imagine the learning curve *I* experienced . . . . . http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Shipsinator
Dec. 23, 2004, 12:36 PM
I just read this post, and then had to go back and read the previous 3. They are all hillarious and you are a fantastic writer! http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/yes.gif

Portia
Dec. 23, 2004, 03:48 PM
Duffy said we had to read the $700 Pony posts, and she was right. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/lol.gif

DillansMom
Dec. 26, 2004, 07:50 AM
Hey RR...when do we get to hear about Christmas with the $700 pony?

We're waiting...

Reynard Ridge
Dec. 26, 2004, 11:07 AM
Dillansmom, I think she probably had a very nice Christmas. She didn't have to deal with me - the best Christmas present a $700 Pony could ask for!

I'll let her know you were asking about her. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Synrgystyk
Dec. 28, 2004, 04:23 AM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sarapony:
RR - I am here to tell you that it is entirely possible to be anal without be neat and timely. SaddlefitterVA is a living example of this contradictory creature. The only thing she will ever be on time for is lunch and the only thing that is ever clean is her tack. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Sarapony, your assessment of Mel's anal retentiveness (idiot-savant-ness??) is most accurate! But don't forget the piles of clean saddle pads. While the entire trailer might be in complete disarray, Mel will be able to put her hands on at least three spotless saddle pads without even thinking about it.

Lorree

Synrgystyk
Dec. 28, 2004, 04:43 AM
Can I add to the trailering stories??? I have a good one from several years ago....Ok, so this doesn't involve any driving difficulties on my part, but I'll tell it anyway.

Background: We didn't have much money so our trailer was an old 2-horse with 3/4 doors (my horse liked to lean on them so I had to make sure his tail stayed on the *outside* of the door) and the truck was a 1973 Ford F100 (a big step up from the '69 Ford with "armstrong" steering -- the F100 had POWER steering!).

I was heading to Holland, MI with two horses to give rides at a camp for kids with Muscular Dystrophy (we did this every year). It was about a 45 minute haul, the last few miles on a two-lane highway. I talked the friend who was going with me into following me in her car to keep other traffic away from the rear of the trailer.

Most of the journey was uneventful but as we were driving down the two-lane highway I noticed a small sporty-type car tailgating my friend. Sure enough, he just had to whip around her and squeeze himself into the bit of road space she left between her car and the rear of the trailer. At this point I could barely see his car in my mirrors since he was so close to the trailer.

Luckily (for him I guess), we didn't have far to go and soon pulled into the camp area. As I got out of the truck, I could see that my friend was laughing so hard she had tears rolling down her face. Between gasps for breath she managed to tell me that my horse had taught the tailgater a lesson about driving too close to the rear of a horse trailer, especially one with a horse leaning against the back door.

Lorree

SaddleFitterVA
Dec. 28, 2004, 08:14 AM
LOL, me have clean saddle pads? When you have too many horses, you have to have too many saddle pads as well. And how can you assess saddle fit by dirt if the saddle pad isn't clean to start with?

I have a few trailering stories, but they usually involved being stuck through equipment failure or lack of traction...I guess you are bound to have a few stories if you haul as much as I do. Although, my mileage is dropping now that I live closer in.

When do you want to come see the new farm Syn?

You can see a sneak preview at www.terraoasis.com (http://www.terraoasis.com) but you should come see it in person.

Mel