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Fanfara
Mar. 10, 2011, 08:25 PM
hello,
I had to write an ode for my writing class, I was wondering if you guys could read it and give me some comments and feedback.
Thank you very much.
its about the triple crown, here it is:

Crowned with Glory
You’ve come a long way,
You’ve beat the best!
You raced for the roses, and won them so red!
You flew down Pimlico Course,
ahead of the rest!
Now you are here-
The graveyard of speed,
the ultimate test.

Running and running,
Fast as the wind

Your heart beats like a drum,
it becomes the heartbeat of the world.
All hearts beating with yours,
they are beating as one!

Your hoofs pound around the bend,
let them carry you home!

Your heart is ready to break,
And it might just burst!

You fight and fight,
Nose by nose,
Length by length.
Finally you draw ahead!

Your hope, your pride, your fire and power
Combine to give you wings,
Down the homestretch you fly like a burning angel.

Sweat glistens on your coat as you
Starr in the Sport of Kings.

Every one, every thing is silent
No noise pierces the summer air.

You are arriving at the wire,
the gates of Victory are open before you,
And with another beat of your heart,
With another pound of your hoofs,


You are the Victor.
You have won!
All the strenuous work,
All the pain and
All the grueling endeavor
It has All paid off

You have achieved
What thousands have worked for,
And less than a dozen achieved,

You have won the
Triple Crown

Lostboy
Mar. 10, 2011, 10:39 PM
I am not familiar with the stylings of "Odes" but shouldn't it have a consistant rhythm? I am ot speaking of rhyming.. that's a whole different thing.. but rather the cadence when it is read..
just wondering

and since you mentioned the roses fromt he first race.. what about the black eyed susans and whatever for the other race ?
and other ways to balance out the 3 races that make the triple crown ?

Acertainsmile
Mar. 10, 2011, 10:43 PM
I'll point out spelling errors! Hoofs should be hooves, and star is spelled with one r. Kudos for writing that, and here's hoping for an A for you!

Fanfara
Mar. 11, 2011, 08:32 AM
I am not familiar with the stylings of "Odes" but shouldn't it have a consistant rhythm? I am ot speaking of rhyming.. that's a whole different thing.. but rather the cadence when it is read..
just wondering

and since you mentioned the roses fromt he first race.. what about the black eyed susans and whatever for the other race ?
and other ways to balance out the 3 races that make the triple crown ?

thank you very much, this is exactly what i am looking for. do you happen to know any of the other "names" for the races or the tripple crown itself?

and no it does not need to rhyme or have a rhythim.
thankyou,
Astrid v. R.

Fanfara
Mar. 11, 2011, 08:37 AM
I'll point out spelling errors! Hoofs should be hooves, and star is spelled with one r. Kudos for writing that, and here's hoping for an A for you!

Thank you, I really do need help with my spelling. English is not my first language, so I am still struggling with writing it.

danceronice
Mar. 11, 2011, 01:19 PM
And "whatever?" They're white carnations.

If you're going to do free verse, do free verse. Lose stuff like weak rhymes (best/test several lines apart) and do not use a very loose rhyme scheme unless you're really, really good with it. (The poem's...not.) There are rhyme schemes that don't require things like abab or aa bb verse. Like sestinas (but those are very hard unless you're using a language like Italian that has a LOT more rhymes than English.)

Honestly, reading it knowing English isn't your first language--that's good, because otherwise I'd assume you're in middle school and haven't written anything before. (Are you?) Bluntly, it's not great. It's choppy. The analogies are either trite ("beats like a drum") or kind of weird ("like a burning angel"--say what?) In fact it's just kind of a sting of analogies that aren't very descriptive or compelling, and the "imagery", such as is, is very repetitive ("hoof" and "hoofs"). Also, it starts off sounding like a completely different poem than it sounds like at the end--did you start out meaning to rhyme ("roses so red" is construction begging for a rhyme) and change your mind?

If you're going for minimalist, non-rhyming verse, I'd get something like Sylvia Plath's "Ariel" and read it to see how to do a lot with a little. It includes an example of a more nontraditional rhyme scheme as well, "Daddy." (Warning: Distrubing subject matter and Nazi imagery included.) William Carlos Williams is a good one for the far end of minimalism ("So much depends/upon a red wheelbarrow".)

Chief2
Mar. 13, 2011, 10:32 AM
I am a firm believer that one's poem is one's poem regardless of how much merit it does or doesn't have in the eyes of others. So, I've taken the liberty of copying your poem here, and begun making a few adjustments that you are free to consider, accept or discard. Perhaps others will pick up the lead here and help along the way as well.

Crowned with Glory
You’ve come a long way,
You’ve beaten the best!
You raced for the roses,
And won them so red!
You flew down Pimlico
Ahead of the rest
Now you are here-
The graveyard of speed...
The ultimate test.

Running, running
Fast as the wind
Your heart beats quickly
Our hearts beat as one
The heartbeat of the world!

Hooves pounding dirt
Pounding around the bend
Let them carry you home!
Your heart is ready to break
And it might just burst!

You fight and fight
Nose by nose
Length by length
Finally you draw ahead!
Hope, pride, fire and power
Combine to give you wings
Down the homestretch you
Fly like a burning angel
Sweat glistens on your coat as you
Star in the Sport of Kings.

Silence and hope hang in the air

The Gates of Victory open before you
With another beat of your heart
With another pound of your hooves
You are the Victor.
You have won!

All the strenuous work
All the pain
All the grueling endeavor
It has All paid off
You have earned
What thousands have worked for
Yet few have achieved

You have won the Triple Crown!
Fanfara

Okay, now it's yours again to revise, destroy, shred or enjoy.
Hope there is something in here that will help you with your assignment.
Good luck!

Kwill
Mar. 13, 2011, 04:01 PM
Kudos to you for posting your work here. I like Chief2's revision!

BladicusStables
Mar. 13, 2011, 04:29 PM
You’ve come a long way,
with gut's for this glory!
You raced for the roses,
And won them so red!

You flew down Pimlico strecth
Ahead of the rest
Now you are here-
At the graveyard of speed...
The ultimate test.

Running, running
Fast as the wind

Your heart beats so quickly
Almost together the sound
Feels like the heartbeat of the world in your chest!

Hooves pounding dirt
around the bend the dust fly's
Let them carry you home!

Your heart is bursting!

You fight and fight
Nose by nose
Length by length
Finally you draw ahead!
Hope, pride, fire and power
Combine to give you wings
Down the homestretch you
come like a burning angel
Sweat glistens on your coat as you are the
Star in the Sport of Kings.

Silence and hope hang in the air

The Gates of Victory open before you
With another beat of your heart
With another pound of your hooves
You are the Victor.
You have won!

All the strenuous work
All the pain
All the grueling endeavor
It has All paid off
You have earned
What thousands have worked for
Yet few have achieved!

The Triple Crown you have succeed!

Anyway, :) I hope you get an A!

Chief2
Mar. 13, 2011, 06:53 PM
Ah! I was hoping someone else would dive in here! Nice work with the lines.
One small thought: line 16, "fly's" should be "flies"?
I hope the OP has as much fun with this as I did this morning. I sat here with my morning cup of tea and played with the words. Lots of fun! Fanfara, thanks for giving us something fun to do today! :D