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MeanieBO_Alter
Feb. 28, 2011, 03:48 PM
I have known my BO for a very long time. I used to work for them as a kid, and moved in with a new horse a couple years ago at their request. It's a very fancy, but very private farm and they just wanted some company. I am the only boarder. We have, up until now, had a very close relationship. Still refers to me her "long lost third daughter".

Horse has a very sweet, lovely personality. She has been a doll up until about a month ago when she started giving me big big problems under saddle. Without getting into too many details about it, we know it's some kind of physical issue, but the vets can't figure it out.

BO thinks horse is just a neurotic piece of $#it. Says she's not worth fixing. That I should just sell her, and that I can get a way nicer horse than the one I have now. Says I should send her to the trainers to get her "fixed", but that it wouldn't even be worth it because horse isn't worth it.

BO is, in simple terms, kind of a spoiled brat. Typical millionaire husband, doesn't have to work (has never worked), her life is her teenage daughters, her puppies, and her horses. Just went horse shopping in Europe with trainer, and bought a Grand Prix mount to play with- she doesn't show. I don't think BO understands the blood, sweat and tears I have to put in to make my horse-hobby "work". I don't think she has any idea how utterly offensive, condescending and rude she is when she speak to me about my horse the way that she does. Horse is broken? It's terrible- just throw it in the garbage.

It makes me feel like such a failure that she is so adamantly pointing fingers that *I* did this to the horse, riding wise. That I'm not a good enough rider to fix her issues, that I should ride with her trainer on their horses (at almost $200/hour and an hour away!). She feels that her trainer is the only one who knows what they're doing. I have spoken to her about taking my mare to some clinics with other BNTs in the past, and was scoffed at. I've tried explaining to her that I've done everything I can think of US to "fix" her, and that the vet(s) insist that it's something pain-related, and it goes in one ear and out the other.

Before it's suggested, I'm moving out tomorrow. BO does not know that I feel the way that I do, and thinks I'm moving mainly because horse isn't in full work anymore.

I don't want to leave feeling this terrible and beat-down (and like a really terrible rider), and want to tell her without creating any hard feelings (did I mention BO is EXTREMELY sensitive and super intimidating?? Must speak to her like you're walking on eggshells. I'm not a wimpy person, either!). Part of me knows that no matter what I say will make a difference, and I'm temped just to get outta there and pretend nothing ever happened.

Another problem is that I often barn sit for her and her family when they go on vacation. Which is often. So it's not as simple as leaving and never seeing/speaking to her again.

What would you do?? :(

oldenmare
Feb. 28, 2011, 03:53 PM
I'd act like a professional. I would move my horse, keep my mouth closed, realize that she has some issues and NOT make them my issues.

Which is exactly how I think you should handle this. There is nothing you can say to improve the situation, now is there? Only create more hard feelings, right?

So - realize that you are the only one who can make your situation better - and that you are doing so by moving your horse out.

Then, in the future, when asked about your horse by this BO, smile, tell her the horse is "just fine", and firmly change the topic to her kids/horses/lifestyle, etc. Just keep redirecting until you wish to do otherwise.

FWIW - this and $5 will get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks.

katarine
Feb. 28, 2011, 03:53 PM
What is it-exactly - and in ONLY 2-3 sentences:) that you want?
For You
For Her
and for your relationship.

What do you want?

Eclectic Horseman
Feb. 28, 2011, 03:54 PM
Never burn your bridges. The horse world is a very small world, and you never know when you will cross paths again.

Just be courteous, and keep your negative feelings filed away for future reference so that you can decide whether and how much you ever want to have to do with this person again.

alibi_18
Feb. 28, 2011, 04:09 PM
As weird and rude as it might seems, she is probably just trying to 'help' you...in her way.

You don't like what she has to say about your horse, your training, your ambition and you ideas on how to handle your horse's problem, fine. Just ignore that and talk about other unrelated stuff that you will both enjoy!

Friendship can be hard! :)

And if you no longer want to be her friend then...you can always speak your mind but would this really change anything?

dalpal
Feb. 28, 2011, 04:18 PM
A wise trainer from my childhood years was once in a conversation with her daughter who was complaining about her friend and how she "made her feel"....Mom looks at daugther and says.."No one has the ability to make you feel but yourself". Wise words.

Sounds like there's some issues on both your parts. She wants to tell you what to do and reading your post..sounds like you have resentment issues towards her because she is rich.

Move your horse and find a situation that makes you comfortable and happy....life is really too short to sit around and stew because of what someone else says/does.

MeanieBO_Alter
Feb. 28, 2011, 04:38 PM
What is it-exactly - and in ONLY 2-3 sentences:) that you want?
For You
For Her
and for your relationship.

What do you want?

Ideally? I want an apology for what she's said. She needs to understand that the world isn't black and white, and that there are more than one way of doing things. I want our relationship to remain relatively the same, although I will never feel quite the same way about her. All of those things are not going to happen.

Dalpal- No, no resentment issues about her financial comforts. They have always been wealthy, and it's not really flaunted. I mentioned it only because she pretty much sees the world through rose-tinted glasses.. having not really "earned" anything in her life. Maybe I do resent her a bit for feeling like everything that isn't perfect is disposable.

You're right that I should not take what she says to heart, but after so many years of looking up to her and asking for her advice about stuff, it's hard not to get squashed a bit when stuff like this happens. I think she also feels like I'm still 13 years old.. early 20's now, but it doesn't feel like that sometimes!

snbess
Feb. 28, 2011, 04:41 PM
I completely agree with Oldenmare. And then, perhaps in order to boost your own confidence in yourself, do something with a trainer you trust...lessons on your horse (when she's better), on their horses...just something that proves to yourself that you ARE the good rider you know you are. But don't feel any need to tell former BO about it. This is for you. Just keep your relationship with her cursory and professional.

atlatl
Feb. 28, 2011, 04:52 PM
Ideally? I want an apology for what she's said. She needs to understand that the world isn't black and white, and that there are more than one way of doing things. I want our relationship to remain relatively the same, although I will never feel quite the same way about her. All of those things are not going to happen.



You're right, none of the above is going to happen. Everyone's perception is their own reality. She isn't going to apologize because, as was mentioned, she's trying to "help" you. If it makes you feel any better, she's probably frustrated you won't do it her way.

Anyway, if your feelings are so hurt by what she's said, then don't barn-sit for her and move on with your life. If you're still going to barn-sit, and I'm guessing you're being compensated, then you need to decide if it's worth putting up with her comments.

CHT
Feb. 28, 2011, 04:55 PM
She might be worried the horse is going to hurt you, and doesn't know how to verbalize her concerns. Even great riders get hurt by horses that are off in some way.

I wonder if she has seen someone badly hurt by a horse acting in the way your horse is.

She may not know of a better way to keep you safe than to either sell the horse or send it to a trainer.

Perhaps if you consider it from that point, you may appreciate her concern and not feel so much as she is condescending despite the innappropriateness of her comments.

Invite
Feb. 28, 2011, 04:58 PM
First of all, my feelings would be hurt and I would be moving. The BO seems disrespectful.
The following is the advice my father would give to me:
The big BUT here is the BO is entitled to her opinion, just as everybody is entitled to their opinion. While you dislike her opinion about your horse, she dislikes your opinion regarding your horse. The two sides will never meet.
Very harsh, but very true:yes: I hate to sound unfeeling, for if I were in your position, I would feel as though I had been punched in the gut! I definitely feel for you :)

jenm
Feb. 28, 2011, 05:00 PM
I'd act like a professional. I would move my horse, keep my mouth closed, realize that she has some issues and NOT make them my issues.


Good advice and perfect timing. If your contract requires you give 30 days notice, do it today!

mzm farm
Feb. 28, 2011, 05:01 PM
Here is what I have done in a situation I felt was extreme for me and very emotionally charged. I wrote all that I felt down in a letter. Re-read and corrected/clarified a few times, sat on it a week, and thought as to whether I really need to give it to the person intended for or not.

Well, you could try to point out to her that your horse is more like your child and while financially and riding wise it may be "smarter" to give up on this animal and move on to the next, you are committed to doing what you can within your financial and riding abilities to make your relationship with THIS PARTICULAR "CHILD" work. You can also mention that you are awfully sensitive to criticism of your "child managing" abilities and that you would really appreciate any support she can muster as your "long lost mom".

She may very well be trying to help you see the "truth" as she sees it, she may or may not have a point. Sometimes what is logically correct and financially sound are not the things we want to hear or intend to follow due to emotional or other thoughts. It is your horse and your decision.

I agree with others about not burning bridges; sometimes writing it down and not saying it is best.

katarine
Feb. 28, 2011, 05:08 PM
ahhh, 2-3 sentences, not paragraphs :)

If you think it can't be gotten, an apology I mean, then just let that goal go. Poof, gone. Done.

You can have a professional, polite relationship. Just move the horse, and go on with your life. If she's never had to work, never had to negotiate the real world and the real workplace, she has no idea (possibly) how to bend and yield and not speak her mind w/o regard for her job or her paycheck. If she asks about the horse, you can just say she's fine, thanks. And drop it. If she tells you to drop her with a bullet, just say I'd rather not, thanks. She wants to make it better, in her own bizarre way, and make the pain go away by making the horse go away. So in a twisted way, she is trying to help. It just isn't, and it's unfortunate. But ...just move the horse and be a total pro about it.

Very best wishes, from the bottom of my tiny little rat heart :)

LauraKY
Feb. 28, 2011, 05:22 PM
Never burn your bridges. The horse world is a very small world, and you never know when you will cross paths again.

Just be courteous, and keep your negative feelings filed away for future reference so that you can decide whether and how much you ever want to have to do with this person again.

This is so very true. You'll only be hurting yourself, and it's true for business as well as the horse world.

Calhoun
Feb. 28, 2011, 06:19 PM
It sounds like the BO is a know-it-all and from my experience with this type of personality she will never see your side of the situation. She will always think your horse is worthless, with the exception of her BNT saying otherwise. Just move on, don't say anything, because she will believe there is no wrong. You've mentioned she makes you feel badly, so get out of there before she tears your self esteem to shreds. In her weird way, she does like you since you're her only boarder and thinks of you as a daughter.

If you need the money, then farm sit for her. Good luck with your horse!

TrotTrotPumpkn
Feb. 28, 2011, 06:39 PM
Agreed, you are never going to get her to see your side of things. Just be polite and leave. Don't burn any bridges.

My favorite quote for these situations: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Eleanor Roosevelt

Bogie
Feb. 28, 2011, 06:53 PM
Thank her for letting you board at her fancy barn, pack your stuff and leave.

Don't say anything negative to her or to anyone else.

Decide if you still want to farm sit for her but keep it separate.

You will NOT get an apology from her. She won't even understand why you want one. It will just mean that you leave with bad feelings on both sides.

You could say something if you think it will make YOU feel better, but most of the time the pleasure that comes from that is short lived.

coloredhorse
Feb. 28, 2011, 07:09 PM
OP, if you just want to avoid the bad feelings, I echo the advice from those who recommended a quiet departure and strict avoidance of the topic of your horse.

On the other hand, if you want a particular relationship with this person, you have an opportunity now to start training people how to treat you. It's really quite simple, and I wish I had learned it at your age instead of 20 years later! You simply use open, honest communication and a bit of sensitivity to your BO's feelings. (And, given your brief description of your past with her, I suspect the poster who said she may be concerned for you and believe she is helping by offering valuable advice.) The horse is not the issue; the way you felt when she said and did the things she did is.

Your script -- for after you move the horse and have some cooling-down time -- would go something like this.

"BO, I have something important to tell you. Please humor me and let me go through the whole speech without interruption.

"BO, you have always said I am like a daughter to you, and please know these feelings are returned. I have looked up to you and cared for you for years. This is great! But I need you to know that the respect and affection I have for you means that your words and behavior have great power over me.

I need you to hear that I feel very hurt when you question decisions I make regarding, for instance, my horse. I realize that we have different perspectives, and I respect yours. But you express your opinions so strongly that it feels like criticism of my opinions, like you feel I am wrong or unworthy. I hate feeling like that! And when I feel that way, it is very hard for me to hang onto all that love and respect I have for you. I don't want to lose that.

I just wanted you to understand how I feel when you say things like "XXX" or "XXX." I feel criticized and feel that you don't respect my ability to make decisions or any opinions that might differ from yours. To me, that feels like you don't respect me as a person. BO, thank you for hearing me out. I feel better having told you how I feel."

I would also let her know that her comments are a part of the reason you are moving your horse. She needs to know she has hurt you, particularly if she truly did not mean to do so.

There may be protestations, there may be additional discussion or argument, there may be actual productive conversation. It is certainly possible the BO has no idea of the impact her words have on you; as you said, she sees the world quite differently.

But if you want her to treat you in a particular way, you have to tell her what you want and then enforce it. If she really cares for you, she will come around. If not, well, at least you know where you stand ... and I guarantee, in the long run, you will be happier with that.

Good luck to you, both with figuring out what is bothering your horse and with your relationship with the soon-to-be-ex-BO.

Carolinadreamin'
Feb. 28, 2011, 07:50 PM
You said your horse just recently started acting up? Did your your BO like her prior to this or has this been an ongoing issue?

Otherwise, leave on a good note. If you love your horse so much, who cares what someone else thinks?! It is the horse world, after all!

Stacie
Feb. 28, 2011, 08:11 PM
did I mention BO is EXTREMELY sensitive and super intimidating?? Must speak to her like you're walking on eggshells.

:eek: Red Flags :eek:

This is the sign of a person with real issues that go beyond being spoiled and it is unlikely that she will ever be able to empathize with you. There is nothing you can do except realize that *it has nothing to do with you*.

Good for you for moving on. Try to appreciate what is good about the relationship and just ignore the rest. When the rest becomes too much, then just end the relationship (but you don't tell HER :lol: ) There is really nothing else you can do,

Good luck with your horse. I hope you can to the bottom of her issues. If your BO has the same effect on horses as she does people suspect ulcers :yes:

Mrs.ChickenBritches
Feb. 28, 2011, 08:31 PM
I hope you are able to get to the bottom of your horse's problem.

I personally have a hard time dealing with high maintenance people, it seems like those friendships only flow in one direction. The BO may be a nice person but she sounds like she has a bit of a toxic personality. Do you really want that in your life?

No offense intended.

Invite
Feb. 28, 2011, 09:32 PM
I have a horrible migraine, so I really just skimmed the post. After my reread of the issues, I wouldn't walk, I would run!

That thinking of you like a daughter stuff is crap. Or maybe she treats her daughters as though they are inferior beings? If my daughter had a horse with issues, I would be by her side helping her figure out the issues. I would be supportive. I would not be critical and negative.

It sounds to me as though this woman has issues and having money to throw around has just made her issues more visible. She pays trainers, etc. to tiptoe around her and treat her like a princess.

Unless you truly need the money, be unavailable next time she asks you to farm sit. She sounds like the type who may completely end your relationship because you "abandoned" her, so she might not ask you to babysit the horses. Remember, this woman has a fantastic relationship with you when things are going her way. She becomes a beast when she is unable to control and manipulate you. I agree it is unwise to burn bridges, but sometimes it is best to slowly fade away and remove yourself from the picture,

Best of luck!

mg
Feb. 28, 2011, 09:48 PM
Why did you used to like her so much if she's apparently ultra sensitive and neurotic? I'm going to venture a guess that you are being a little unkind about her personality because you are upset about the comments she is making about your horse. It sounds like you are friends and she just recently started making these comments about your horse (around the same time the horse starting acting up badly, from the sounds of it). Because of that, I have to agree with those who said she might just be trying to "help" with her comments. Are they rude? Yes. But that doesn't mean she meant them that way.

Instead of getting angry about things like this, I find it easier to laugh in those situations. If she makes a comment on how you should really sell your horse and import a fancy one instead, laugh and say, "Oh man, if only!" If she presses further, just shrug and say, "I don't know, I've put a lot of time into misspony and I'd like to keep trying to get through this."

I honestly can't imagine someone who enjoys your company (obviously she does, she could easily hire someone else to do barn chores if she's that wealthy and she didn't have to invite you to come to her barn) making comments like that with an intent to upset and be mean. At least not someone sane.

hundredacres
Feb. 28, 2011, 09:56 PM
The BO sounds like a PITA...sheesh!

I say leave on a good note so you don't look like a bad guy - because you aren't. Just let it go because she is the way she is because it makes her feel better about herself, and you can't change that. Just get on with what is important to you, without her input.

More importantly, I hope you figure out what is wrong with your mare. If you're near NC, there is a trainer I'd highly recommend for mysterious issues and some great confidence coaching (it sounds like the current BO has beat you down) - PM me if that's your area. But good luck either way.

Kryswyn
Feb. 28, 2011, 10:42 PM
ColoredHorse suggested a nice rational scenario in which you get to get everything off your chest, albeit in a nice way. Let me tell you, it will NOT happen that way. You may talk calmly, she will view it as the thinly veiled attack that it is and start screaming.

Clearly she thinks that as your 'other mother' her opinion should count for more. Believe me, all the time you've spent feeling hurt, she's been feeling angry that you just.won't.do.as.she.says. She may in fact want the best for you. But only YOU know what's best for you.

Move your horse. Thank her for the opportunity to board at such a fabulous facility. Tell her you'll miss her, because you will miss the relationship you had prior to the mare going off. Don't speak a word against her ANYWHERE in your town. You're safe here, and that's what we're here for.

BetterOffRed
Feb. 28, 2011, 10:56 PM
In my experience....
there is your side of the story, her side of the story and the truth is somewhere in the middle. But assuming what you say is the truth here is what I've learned from being the one without the resource; on the receiving end of the crazy:
1. you will never get an apology from her.
2. you can't reason with crazy, narcissistic or self centered people.
3. take the high road, say as little as possible, treat her as you would want to be treated in return regardless of how she acts or behaves.

At the end of the day, you will sleep better and be able to have the self satisfaction and pride knowing that you behaved professionally.

MeanieBO_Alter
Feb. 28, 2011, 11:45 PM
Huge huge thank you for all these replies. They are absolutely the reassurance I needed. Thank you!

Many of you hit the nail on the head. I'm definitely going to keep this all to myself, as much as I want to talk to her about it. I can't imagine a scenario where it would end well. Thankgod for this place, because I can't talk to anyone else about it.

I have expressed to her many times that I really can't afford her suggestions. She doesn't understand the word "budget".

BO has a very solid reputation in my area, and it's not a good one in terms of her obvious people skills. She tried boarding for a while, and it ended fast. Has had dozens of employees, and fired most of them- the rest ran out of there almost as soon as they arrived. Whenever people ask me where I board, their reaction is usually, "Seriously?!?". For whatever reason she took a strong liking to me. I babysat her little girls as they grew up, sat with her when her favourite broodmares died of old age, looked after their farm during month long vacations and she always had complete faith in me (and I was in my mid-teens! Yikes!). I guess it's meant a lot to me that she's given me so many opportunities to learn, ride, and grow. She's pretty normal if we stay on the topics of work/boyfriends/shopping, but things change once you head into equine territory.

She has ALWAYS been touchy. You never know which BO you're going to get on a day-to-day basis. She wears her emotions on her sleeve, and if she's not in a good mood, hide the pitchforks and stay out of her way. To mg- I actually do laugh the comments off. Always. I am nothing but a smiling ray of sunshine around her. Usually because I don't know what to respond with in case it's taken as some sort of a retaliation. Maybe that's a reason why she likes me so much! :lol:. Seriously though, it's definitely been a smile and nod sort of relationship with her. She takes very good care of the horses, and really does know a lot, she's just kinda crazy...

Notes taken. Distance from her, keep things civil, accept her possible and probable insanity.

Huge thank you, again!!

Valentina_32926
Mar. 1, 2011, 11:10 AM
I'd act like a professional. I would move my horse, keep my mouth closed, realize that she has some issues and NOT make them my issues.

Which is exactly how I think you should handle this. There is nothing you can say to improve the situation, now is there? Only create more hard feelings, right?

So - realize that you are the only one who can make your situation better - and that you are doing so by moving your horse out.

Then, in the future, when asked about your horse by this BO, smile, tell her the horse is "just fine", and firmly change the topic to her kids/horses/lifestyle, etc. Just keep redirecting until you wish to do otherwise...

great advice - follow it. Bo is self centered and will not change. When you find out what physical issue was (and IF she asks how horse is doing/if you still have horse) tell her, otherwise let dead dogs lie.

cheektwocheek
Mar. 1, 2011, 01:35 PM
Here is what I have done in a situation I felt was extreme for me and very emotionally charged. I wrote all that I felt down in a letter. Re-read and corrected/clarified a few times, sat on it a week, and thought as to whether I really need to give it to the person intended for or not.

I wish I could have done this same thing, on many prior occasions. This would be the best form of a filter, which you don't need to "take back"

jevousaime
Mar. 1, 2011, 02:19 PM
Ideally? I want an apology for what she's said. She needs to understand that the world isn't black and white, and that there are more than one way of doing things. I want our relationship to remain relatively the same, although I will never feel quite the same way about her. All of those things are not going to happen.


From my experience, you cannot go around the world wanting apologies from people that you think you should get them from. Most of the time you won't get them, and trying to get them most of the time breaks friendships. It's much better to "live and let live" and go on your way. Seems like your BO has been significant in your life, so it is best not to create harsh feelings. Maybe things will be different once you're out of there. Stay in contact. Whenever your horse gets sorted, move back in if you wish, if not then don't.

Normally people only take their time to give people advice because they really care, so you either take their advice if you like it or just leave it be. Don't blame them for advice that you don't like. Your BO doesn't really know any better because of her life experiences (or lack of), so you cannot blame her for your hurt feelings. If she were younger, it would be different. However, you cannot really change the opinions of fellow adults, because each of us "know best."

Brush this off of your shoulder and move on with things and act like a professional like Oldenmare has said. Don't make other people's problem your problem. Her motivation wasn't to hurt your feelings.

coloredhorse
Mar. 1, 2011, 02:32 PM
ColoredHorse suggested a nice rational scenario in which you get to get everything off your chest, albeit in a nice way. Let me tell you, it will NOT happen that way. You may talk calmly, she will view it as the thinly veiled attack that it is and start screaming.

Kryswyn is right, there is a VERY good chance that BO will respond with anger.

However, this approach is most certainly not a "thinly veiled attack." It is the OP expressing how she feels and how she wants to be treated by someone who is supposed to be a friend. If the OP can quietly persist in repeating herself through the hystrionics ... possibly through a series of hystrionic events ... one of two outcomes will result:

1) The message will eventually sink in and the BO will allow herself to consider and respond to the OP's needs. The relationship changes to a mutually beneficial one and survives.

2) The BO "dumps" the OP as a friend and the relationship does not survive.

Either outcome is acceptable. For the OP, what is important is learning how to train people in the ways that she may and may not be treated/spoken to. The very worst case scenario is that she gets to say her piece, the BO is pissed, and the OP never has to deal with her or even think of her again. That's still an OK result.

The initial post sounds like she does feel a degree of attachment to this individual, current anger notwithstanding. If that is the case, this approach is the only way that has any hope salvage the relationship. Anything else will have resentment simmering under the surface ... this is toxic to everyone.

And it does actually work; I can speak from personal experience.In some cases, my confrontation and refusal to engage led to the demise of the relationship. That is fine; regardless of the loss, when I encounter these people in professional or social situations, they now treat me and speak to me in an appropriate way. Misson accomplished. In one notable case, the relationship has survived and is now a positive force in my life. Mission accomplished and the bonus of gaining someone who is now a long-term mentor and close friend.

On the other hand, if the OP doesn't mind just ending the relationship now, that is also fine and a perfectly reasonable course of action. It all depends on whether you want to put the effort into attempting to salvage the relationship.

Carolinadreamin'
Mar. 1, 2011, 03:01 PM
You know, after rereading your posts, I think I know your BO, and I'm not kidding. Just walk/run away with a nice goodby -she will never ever see anyone's side of things because in her opinion, there are no other sides...just hers.

Chalk it up to experience and go someplace where you'll be happy. You'll be amazed at the relief you will feel!

Gloria
Mar. 1, 2011, 03:35 PM
Ideally? I want an apology for what she's said. She needs to understand that the world isn't black and white, and that there are more than one way of doing things. I want our relationship to remain relatively the same, although I will never feel quite the same way about her. All of those things are not going to happen.

You're right that I should not take what she says to heart, but after so many years of looking up to her and asking for her advice about stuff, it's hard not to get squashed a bit when stuff like this happens. I think she also feels like I'm still 13 years old.. early 20's now, but it doesn't feel like that sometimes!

Wait a minute. You obviously was OK with her advices once upon a time and now she say something you don't like and you want an apology from her?

I'm not saying she isn't a piece of cake - she probably is, spoiled and self-centered - I have known plenty, but dear, if you want advice from someone, be prepare to hear something harsh, and since you are in the habit of listening to her advices, you can't expect her to suddenly realize you don't want her input any more. Not everyone is good at giving advices while keeping diplomatic. That is simply the way of life.

Life is too short. If she makes you so unhappy, simply quit the friendship.

If you still value her input in some way, and want to keep her friendship, then it is you who need to learn to be diplomatic, not her, because you can't expect others to change their ways for you.

When she badger you with her advices, I would not hesitate to respond, "dear xxx, $200/hour of lesson is outside of my budget, do you want to pay for it?", or "dear xxx, a new horse is way outside of my budget, do you want to buy one for me?", or "dear, I can't let my fluffy go because I simply love him too much... oh by the way, do you want to help pay for his vet bill?"

If she really thinks you are her third daughter, she might just jump in, and if I were you, I would simply take the ride. If she doesn't, which I expect to be the case, simply repeat the same line over and over whenever she offered advices you can't accept.

These rich folks know how to buy stuff with money. And funny part is, if they aren't willing to pay for what you ask, they might just shut up.

MeanieBO_Alter
Mar. 1, 2011, 05:42 PM
Maybe I should elaborate the "advice" thing.. just for some clarity.

I have never asked for her opinion or advice about anything related to my horse, because it never goes well. I learned a long time ago that you just can't discuss horses with her. Her opinions and unwanted advice come after watching me ride (which I can't prevent), chatting while I tack up/untack, and asking my how my horse has been doing through email/FB/phone (which I eventually learned to just lie about to avoid going "there").

When I mentioned going to some clinics, it was mostly in passing. She asked what I was up to that weekend, told her I was attending BNT's clinic, and got a sarcastic, "Oh, THAT'll be helpful... you're wasting your money."

I guess at this point, I was mostly feeling attacked by her and was unsure how to respond, if to respond at all.

As far as getting her to pitch in financially to my horsey activities or purchases- this lady gives second hand gifts for Christmas. One year she gave me a used sweatshirt, and it's totally a normal thing for her. She does it with her own family. I learned a long time ago not be be offended by her gift-giving. It is what it is, but do you get my drift? She is not a generous lady. If only!

I'm really painting a nice picture of this woman, aren't I? Writing it all out like this is a bit of a reality check. :lol:

CarolinaDreamin- It'd be funny if you also knew her. Maybe we can start a support group.

Gloria
Mar. 1, 2011, 06:56 PM
No. You are not painting her as a nice lady. It is very obvious she is NOT.

The point is you cannot change her, so don't waste your life, and don't expect an apology. You simply should not expect it because, she does not owe you.

As to ask her to pitch in financially, no, you are NOT expecting it - most rich folks will NOT pitch in regardless how darling they claim you to be. We knew that already. It wasn't the purpose - So why did I suggest you to make that request?so you can use that request to shut her up, got it?

Rich folks like her love their money. Ask them to part with their money is one good way to bump back to them without getting all nasty. Diplomatic, remember?

xrmn002
Mar. 2, 2011, 12:36 AM
You've gotten some great advice here. I would second that you take the high road and quietly move your horse out without bad-mouthing BO in the future. Nothing good will come of spouting off about her.

If you decide to confront the BO about your feelings (which I generally would recommend and think is healthy) remember to be fact-based with examples and to own you emotions as much as possible. Give examples and say things like "when you do X, it makes me feel Y". This may give you the peace of mind of knowing that you tried to salvage the relationship no matter how she responds. Just remember that no matter how it works out, you can only control your half of the conversation. It's ok to move on and decide that you don't need/want this person in your life if it doesn't work out.

I don't mean to pick on your age but I think it takes time to become comfortable with moving on and also the fact that not everyone has to like you or see your point of view (and often they won't no matter how hard you try). It's generally not personal or directed at you. People have so many things going on in their lives that make them say/react a certain way that has nothing to do with you. It's okay to stand up for yourself in a way that you can be proud of and then walk away if it doesn't work. I've struggled with all of these things and still do. It's hard but it helps to keep perspective. Good luck!

Poniesofmydreams
Mar. 2, 2011, 09:15 AM
This person is not a friend. Never has been and never will be. She is seriously lacking necessary skills in how to be a friend.
The faster you put this person behind you the happier you will be. And I certainly wouldn't farm sit for her either. Gosh forbid something went wrong....it would be your fault and she would trash your reputation. And she would never think twice.
A person like this is poison to your happiness and well-being.

alibi_18
Mar. 2, 2011, 09:54 AM
This person is not a friend. Never has been and never will be. She is seriously lacking necessary skills in how to be a friend.
The faster you put this person behind you the happier you will be. And I certainly wouldn't farm sit for her either. Gosh forbid something went wrong....it would be your fault and she would trash your reputation. And she would never think twice.
A person like this is poison to your happiness and well-being.

This is harsh! Remember we only have one side of the story and even if everything was 'true', how can you say that this person is poisoneous and would trash one's reputation?!?

As far as we know, this BO offered unsolicited advices when she thought Op had real trouble with her horse and was probably concerned about Op well being and safety...and even money wise...(taking care of vet and training for a difficult or suffering from an unknown pain horse can be pretty costly...) There is no need to be resentfull and being more mean than BO itself...

hoopoe
Mar. 2, 2011, 10:14 AM
you have shown us that this person has a big issue in and with life. You state it is a well known issue in the community.

You appear to need experienced eye on the ground and on top of your horse. Your own skills aside, you need a trainer to work with. The most elite riders still work with a trusted ground person. CLinics dont cut it, we all need consistency.

Fand that person and get working on getting to the cause.

questions.

has a solid trusted saddle fitter taken a look at this horse.

has some element in the diet or supplimentation changed

did someone do an ovary exam on her, including palpation and US

Is there a new barn worker at the barn. and does their arrival match the onset of issues.

Personally I am sure she can find professions barn sitters for when they travel,

I think you need ot move on ASAP and forget about your lifetime relationship.

She is never going to approve of you since she probably does not really approve of herself.

mg
Mar. 2, 2011, 01:40 PM
I guess I can't understand why you were friends with her for so long if she's apparently such a terrible person. Just seems like you're upset and exaggerating things. I'm not saying she's perfect and you're lying, but it seems like you got upset over one thing so others are becoming embellished.

katarine
Mar. 2, 2011, 03:01 PM
MG, the OP may have enjoyed the perks of running with the big dog til it bit her in the butt.

seriously-- this is how you deal with a rub between you and a long time friend? You create an alter, dog her publicly, call it therapeutic for you, then, perhaps enjoying the attention...you offer up more dirt about how cheaply she gives gifts. Offer enough dirt and chances are someone will key in on WHO she really is, alert her, then Katie Bar the Door, COTH will light up like a Christmas tree.

I am seeing two flaky friends, perhaps well met after all :confused:

Alpha Mare
Mar. 2, 2011, 03:54 PM
Dear OP, in my experience, every time I have held my tongue, not shared my anger or irritation, I have been grateful later that I did and every time I let my feelings leak out (usually less than 100% calmly) I was sorry later. You will burn a bridge if you attempt to critique a sensitive person who sees herself as older and more knowledgeable than you (even if that is not your view, it is likely hers).

I would also suggest that you have already taken the best step, to move, and in hindsight although her comments were upsetting they are small in the realm of BO issues. There are other threads here about feed, water, turnout, dangerous situations, etc. that would be of much more concern to me.

As you gain a little distance I hope you can think of the good old days (there must have been some) with the BO and take them as part of your shared history even as you move on to another situation. If it's possible to get your mare's issues resolved I bet that would be the most satisfying thing you could do.

I have left several boarding situations for more serious reasons (e.g. not enough water, dishonesty, dangerous turnout) and have found leaving on good terms had lots of benefits later on. It truly is a small community in the horse world.

In other words, don't let the turkey(s) get you down.

MeanieBO_Alter
Mar. 2, 2011, 04:30 PM
Oh my.

Well, we are not best friends by any stretch of the imagination, she is 40 years my senior, and I am truly not terribly concerned with anyone finding out about her true identity. Even if it was revealed, she would not care. She knows all of what's been said here (except for how I feel about her comments, obviously), and the details I've provided are not dirt. It's nothing new to her. She isn't the kindest soul in the world, but she's not an explosive terrorizing maniac either.

I've provided details in response to posters here, maybe with a bit of venting on my part, but mostly just to help people understand my situation a bit more specifically. Maybe a mistake, but it wasn't intentionally done in malice.

"Very close" by definition with this particular individual, extends not far beyond keeping in touch, farm sitting when needed, and the amount of time we've known each other. Perhaps I should have worded things differently.

Am I grateful for what I've learned while being involved with her facility since I was young? Of course, but she didn't make it easy. I learned because she was scary, I had no other options, and I was forced to learn. I was young, I badly needed a job and I needed the experience, and she offered both. Imagine my surprise when she didn't seem to hate me as much as everyone else and kept me around. THAT is being "close" to her. She burns bridges for a living, if people don't like her, to hell with them, it's no skin off her back. My tolerance and patience with her possibly has just come to an end once the unsolicited insults and comments towards my horse began and persisted. Maybe this has been a long time coming. I needed advice from impartial people who would understand my position more than my non-horsey friends would, and I got it. I still appreciate it. I needed to hear a lot of it. :)

You know how they say that if you put a frog in water, and bring the water to a boil, the frog doesn't notice until it's too late? That's kind of how I feel. I'm just jumping out of the water before it (the relationship) dies/ends on bad terms.

I'm am sorry to those who think I'm editing the story to my advantage. It's all quite true, unfortunately.

Horse is moved, all is well.

princessfluffybritches
Mar. 2, 2011, 05:07 PM
You said your horse just recently started acting up? Did your your BO like her prior to this or has this been an ongoing issue?

Otherwise, leave on a good note. If you love your horse so much, who cares what someone else thinks?! It is the horse world, after all!

Does the change in your mare's behavior coincide with your BO's current opinion?
5 years ago, my mare turned into a whacko ; found out the person cleaning the stalls was terrorizing her with the pitchfork.

Is she in season? Ulcers?