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greenapples
Mar. 22, 2010, 03:44 PM
Ok, the thread about "lovingly letting your trainer go" got me thinking a little bit (ok a lot), about the boarding/training situation that I am in and afraid that is not going to end as graciously.

I have been with my current trainer/barn owner for quite awhile (nearly 10 years) I have learned so much from her, and I'm very grateful for the care and guidance she has given me and my horses. However, things have become less than pleasant and they have been this way for awhile. She has started being extremely picky about little things, she has made comments that are less than flattering about other trainers, riders, etc. Every time I talk with her, she is asking me do to something more at the barn. She has started making snide comments about my job and my husband (even suggesting that I quit so I can ride more), and this is just the tip of the iceberg. I have become afraid to go to the barn while she's there because I just never know what mood she will be in, and I'm afraid I'll get her bad one. I dread my lessons and the worse part is that I have a new horse, that I'm not being encouraged to ride (she wants me to ride the lesson horse instead) even though she is telling others around me that he is the perfect fit.

I know I have to leave...after speaking with a trusted friend who knows the trainer also, she said that she has seen this pattern before with her, and that it's only going to get worse. I have seen it too, and had thoughts that the relationship I had with her was different somehow. How blind was I? Said trainer has lost several students since last year. I also do a lot of barn work for this woman, without much compensation, because I like being involved in my horses' care. Enough has definitely become enough.

My plan is to give the barn owner 30 days notice. I have my name on the waiting list of another facility and I'm checking into yet another in my area, along with some private barns.
I would like to try and keep the departure professional and amiable as possible, however, I know that she's going to take it personally and be hurt. How do you let someone down easily? I have only discussed the situation with a trusted friend.

This is more of a vent than anything else. I have been on edge for two days because of some things that transpired over the weekend and I am really dreading the next conversation that I'm going to have with her.

angel
Mar. 22, 2010, 04:04 PM
I suggest that you say nothing to her until the stall for which you are waiting is yours. Then, move the horse and give your old trainer the 30 days notice, paying her for that empty stall that you have vacated for those 30 days. It is never good to leave a horse in such a situation after the barn owner knows what you are about. Sometimes, the barn owner is honorable, and sometimes they are not in regards your horse's care. I guess I have lived too long with horses and seen too many things in those years to ever trust to chance.

Zu Zu
Mar. 22, 2010, 04:10 PM
I suggest that you say nothing to her until the stall for which you are waiting is yours. Then, move the horse and give your old trainer the 30 days notice, paying her for that empty stall that you have vacated for those 30 days. It is never good to leave a horse in such a situation after the barn owner knows what you are about. Sometimes, the barn owner is honorable, and sometimes they are not in regards your horse's care. I guess I have lived too long with horses and seen too many things in those years to ever trust to chance.
This exactly and do not tell anyone you are leaving - be careful !:eek:

NOMIOMI1
Mar. 22, 2010, 04:14 PM
Ive had a trainer go sideways to this point and then some.

You can be courteous and give thirty days. OR, you can do what many do when paying for a service, and helping out, and then gets shafted for their trouble.

Pack up and leave. Say in response to her mean comments, "Im sorry YOU feel that way. Ill stop that problem for you and be outa here in a minute."

LauraKY
Mar. 22, 2010, 04:20 PM
Does she have a history of treating horses badly once she's given notice? If not, I would give the notice. Sounds like some people have been burned by bad BO/BM's, but that's not been my experience, nor do I treat my boarders like that. Actually, I'm afraid I tend towards bending over backwards so the DON'T think I'm treating them badly because they are leaving.

greenapples
Mar. 22, 2010, 04:21 PM
Definitely ZuZu.

I have been extremely careful about who knows and who doesn't. The barn owner that I am on the waiting list has taken in a couple of her past students/boarders, so I know that she wouldn't say anything, and she knows the sensitivity of the situation at hand.

Thank you for the advice on the notice. I had thought about giving the notice ahead of time, only to be fair to the barn owner so that she could find someone else to do the feedings that I have been doing. However, I wouldn't be surprised if there is a letter in the barn tonight asking me to leave, as things went pretty badly Saturday, resulting in my losing my cool over several things and blowing up. Not mature on my end, I fully admit and I'm also embarrassed by it, however, my husband was happy that it happened, saying how I have needed to do it for months now.

I feel like she's lost her mind. I keep trying to go back and analyze when everything started to sour, and I just can not. Sigh, I'm exhausted from it, and torn up that I'm not just losing a boarding situation but a friend as well.

greenapples
Mar. 22, 2010, 04:24 PM
Ive had a trainer go sideways to this point and then some.

You can be courteous and give thirty days. OR, you can do what many do when paying for a service, and helping out, and then gets shafted for their trouble.

Pack up and leave. Say in response to her mean comments, "Im sorry YOU feel that way. Ill stop that problem for you and be outa here in a minute."

I have been using a little of this approach for awhile now. When she starts to say something crass or snarky, I have been retorting back with a nice comment in return, or a questioning comment so that she knows I'm not appreciating it.

Leaving is happening. That I have decided, it's just the when and where at this point.

blackhorse6
Mar. 22, 2010, 04:29 PM
Ditto..Having moved all over the country and boarded at many barns, I have to tell you that you can not trust anyone...Pay the extra month board at the facility "when you leave" for the new one.. May be a little expensive but I can only tell you it will be well worth it..So sad but so very true:no:

Zu Zu
Mar. 22, 2010, 04:32 PM
Jingles for you and your horse ~ just plan your exit and work your plan. Leave in good form but not endangering your horse - feed til you leave if you have to but I would pay the thirty days as you load up ~ cashier's check maybe to make it clean. Good Luck ! If she asks you to leave ~ do you have a place to go til the other barn has an opening?

LauraKY
Mar. 22, 2010, 04:33 PM
Ditto..Having moved all over the country and boarding at many barns, I have to tell you that you can not trust anyone...Pay the extra month board at the facility "when you leave" for the new one.. May be a little expensive but I can only tell you it will be well worth it..So sad but so very true:no:

Really very sad.

NOMIOMI1
Mar. 22, 2010, 04:46 PM
It is sad, but sometimes you never know.

We left from the show and went to a different barn altogether.I didnt even bring him home again after the blow out. "SOME" of my stuff went missing by the day I went to pick it up...

Was glad my horse was outa there before it got to the point :(

dotneko
Mar. 22, 2010, 04:54 PM
In 30 years of running big barns, I have had exactlly 3
boarders leave immediately. I just can't understand why
people are so distrustful of their farm owners - I am sure
no one has seen me not feed, turn out, or abuse a
horse in my care. In fact, most of my boarders that
leave have given me two months or more of notice.

greenapples
Mar. 22, 2010, 05:00 PM
Thank you guys, and thank you for the jingles. This has been one of the most difficult things I've ever had to go through. I feel like I'm in the middle of a divorce.

Someone asked about having a place to move to in an emergency. That's what I have been working on today. I have the trailering lined out, just need to find a place that can take both horses immediately. If I have to drive aways that's fine and I'm willing to do it until something more suitable opens up. The main goal is to have the exit strategy.

I have been on edge for 2 days. I will be at the barn tonight, and I'm not sure what will be waiting for me. I have had no communication with her since Saturday, and I don't know if she's just waiting for me to cool off or if she's so royally P.O'd that she doesn't want to talk to me right now. Either way, my blow-up cleared the air and the ball is in her court now. I'm sure she has been bad-mouthing me to the other boarder and the barn worker.

I don't believe that she would ever do anything to the horses. She treats them all very well, and doesn't have a history of viciousness with them, just their owners. I think she would be happiest if she never had to communicate with another human being, and could just live her life with only the horses. I'm so weary from it all, and it has just drained me for the past two days. Hopefully, I can find someplace soon. I'm leaving here in just a minute to check out the board at the tack store. There are usually some boarding listings there. If I have to seperate the two horses, then that's not a big deal.

Zu Zu
Mar. 22, 2010, 06:21 PM
In 30 years of running big barns, I have had exactlly 3
boarders leave immediately. I just can't understand why
people are so distrustful of their farm owners - I am sure
no one has seen me not feed, turn out, or abuse a
horse in my care. In fact, most of my boarders that
leave have given me two months or more of notice.
I will simply never give notice again burned :eek: too many times~ I will pay the extra 30 days!
My horses have been boarded and trained at so-called BNT barns. I have given 30 day notice and I have had feet cut off and/or :eek: tails cut off so the horses can not be shown for a season or longer as well as:eek: tack swapped and exchanged for "trash" :eek: - I always paid on time and filled in feeding when needed ~ like when they left at 4am for a horse show or if their "hired help" did not show up...These people were professionals and friends and they completely changed and became dangerous. I saw it happen to other boarders first and thought it would not happen to me because I was responsible & dependable and a "friend" ~ that theory was proven wrong many times. The last time I left a barn ~ we arrived with trailer and tack inventory ~ which we waited to be handed over ~ paid up and said thank you.BTW :eek: (When we arrived we found only one other boarder/training horse left there ~ everyone else had had enough also.:yes:So I say when things go south ~ be careful and tell no one and plan your exit ~ be polite & paid up but do not trust anyone until your horses and tack are out ! IMHO

shawneeAcres
Mar. 22, 2010, 07:52 PM
It really surprises me at all of these people who advocate just up and leaving. I mean, yes, in THIS situation it could be a VERY uncomortable 30 days so might be worth it. But in all the years I ahve run boarding facilities and taught and trained I only ever had one person that told me they were leaving that coming weekend, all others were at least 30 days notice and stayed that time. I would NEVER treat the person or the horse badly or rudely. Althoguh the one person that gave me just a few days notice came totally unexpectedly and out of left field, I was very amicable to them right up to the end. Subsequently when she decided to sell her horse, she sent the horse to me to market and sell for her. Things will come back to you, good or bad!!

StrawberryFrosted
Mar. 22, 2010, 10:34 PM
ZuZu had an aweful experience when she left her former boarding facilities. I am actually appalled that a large boarding facility would do that to a horse (cut feet/tails etc) but "horse people" can't be trusted (I've been burned alot too) and it seems that when a boarder leaves, the barn owner just flips out.
I'm not saying ALL barn owners are like this. There are people like Shawneeacres that take great care of a horse even after the boarder says they are leaving. Too bad there aren't more people out there like Shawneeacres!
I was at a large boarding facility and I gave them my 2 week (per contract) notice. I did not leave early. I later found out that they shanked my young horse and he freaked out and was running loose on the property (next to a major road-55mph). Thank god nothing happened to him other than marks on his nose but I should have left that day. The small private barn that I gave notice to, I did pay my board but left early. She was not feeding my horses and cost me a lot in vet bills and extra hay/grain/fat supp in the long run.
I have not been in the horse industry long, just four years, so I am learning the ropes of how things work.
It's very sad to me how bad "horse people" treat each other.
I think you have to choose who your friends are, trust only the ones close to you and use your gut instinct when it comes to protecting your horses :)

DressageGeek "Ribbon Ho"
Mar. 23, 2010, 01:27 AM
Oh, so sorry. I hope you find a stall at a great barn and can leave as soon as possible, for your own peace of mind.

TheParisienne
Mar. 23, 2010, 02:12 AM
So sorry this has to happen to you. It's happened to me before as well.

There are a lot of nutty people out there. And there are a lot of good barns out there. But you have to watch your own back. Start moving your stuff out now.

Will keep you in my thoughts, keep us updated.

FifteenOne
Mar. 23, 2010, 05:36 AM
It's ALWAYS important to have the back-up plan in place in case your BO does not wish to have you stay for the 30 days after you give notice. I was in this situation not long ago. I gave 30 days and was told by the BO that if I had decided to go she would prefer that I go ahead and leave now. I must admit, it was a bit of a relief as I would not have been especially comfortable for the last month, but if I hadn't had a stall to move him to right then and there I would have been in a bind. (There was never any question that my horse would continue to receive great care, it was simply less emotionally stressful all around for the barn owner & myself.)

myvanya
Mar. 23, 2010, 10:12 AM
jingles....from someone who has been there and will be again...

Zu Zu
Mar. 23, 2010, 10:27 AM
Jingles continue for you and your horses ~ to make a quick and smooth transition to your new barn. :yes:

staceyk
Mar. 23, 2010, 10:37 AM
Hi,

I'm afraid it's an all too common dynamic and I think it stems from burnout. The people who choose that line of work are not always rolling in money, but they deal with clientele who generally have a good amount of disposable income. The job is not glamorous, they feel unappreciated, animal care ties you down, etc., etc.

Years ago, I was in a situation where a barn manager's attitude went totally south -- and it was truly like two different people. A few of us who went through the experience together would warn each other about what to expect at the barn -- whether we'd encounter to "Early Elvis" or "Vegas Elvis" that day (the latter was bad news).

Rather than wait around for the return of Early Elvis, my advice is to bail.

accolade
Mar. 23, 2010, 10:55 AM
I was once in a situation where I boarded at a place for years and was happy with it. The BO's semi-retired and went to Florida for the winter, and left their SIL in charge. As soon as I heard that was happening, I made "emergency arrangements"

The first day they were gone, we had a set-to about his dogs chasing my horse through a fence (near a two lane highway!) . His over-reaction was that if I didn't like it, I should leave. The sooner the better.

The next morning I went to my instructor's barn, hitched up the trailer and went to get my horse.
"Soon enough?" I asked him, when I got there at 8 am.
He was shocked, and asked me to stay. I often wonder what he told his mother and father in law about why I left so suddenly.

I certainly wasn't giving him and his temper any 30 days to take care of my horse after that little display the night before.

Make a plan, and get out with ALL your stuff. Pay the 30 days if it is the right thing to do. In my case, I was told to leave, so I didn't feel I needed to. If you decide to leave, you should pay the 30 days. I wouldn't leave my horse there any longer than necessary.

Acco

greenapples
Mar. 23, 2010, 11:06 AM
Wow...

Thank you guys. I didn't realize how common this is. I had a previous boarding experience years ago, that didn't go well, but it was easy to leave in that situation because the horses care was compromised. Not so, in this case.

I went to the barn last night, and the barn owner had left a note thanking me for doing the barn. I also received a short email from her this morning, in response to the one that I sent last night, so there is hope that things will end peacefully. She's not a malicious person, regards herself as a professional, and I really don't see her mistreating the horses at all. She cares for them too much and it's just not her way of being. She will however, be cold and callous in her dealings with me. I have left the door open for communication, and I apologized for "blowing-up", but not for what I said.

I'm still calling barns around to see if I can move to a new location at the end of April before I give any sort of notice at all. I do need to allow her the opportunity to find someone to take over my responsibilities at the barn, if that means that I move horses and still go over and tend the barn, then so be it.

katarine
Mar. 23, 2010, 11:19 AM
I think running a barn ruins some people for the rest of the world and interacting with the people that pay to keep the lights on and the feed room full. Their day to day is horses, horses who tell the truth, can't talk back, and can't spread gossip or participate in it WITH the BM, and generally wake up on the right side of the stall. The horse doesn't question, second guess, make silly small talk, etc. They also never rake or pick up the aisle, but we don't expect them to, either They just eat and poop and get turned out and in, woohoo. It's pretty zen in that regard, that interaction with horses. They love that part of their life.

What they get sour on is people.

They don't like people, they like horses.

People, they tolerate. Over time, depending no how skilled they are at realizing who the customer really IS (ps it's not the horse LOL) and who they are their to serve as a supplier/vendor, they either hold it together and maintain a very professional face, or they flounder and resent the owner's very existence, not matter how good the owner's behavior is. The owner's can't put a foot right, period.

So you line up your escape route and give 30 and if you can, leave a bit early. Be lined up to have ALL of your stuff out in one trip or less. Sure, it's fine to continue to feed for her, etc, do the conscienable thing to do. But just understand that it's horse people, babe, it's not 'you', your mistake was being a horse owner LOL

Nojacketrequired
Mar. 23, 2010, 11:22 AM
Well, kudo's to you both for leaving lines of communication open. That is not always an easy thing.

Keep looking and keep enjoying your horse.

NJR

blackhorse6
Mar. 23, 2010, 12:18 PM
move my 5 yr old to a new barn last yr...We located to a different city.. Talked with the owner but never the BM..Signed a contract and arrived at the barn on that day.. BM was giving a lesson.. I approached her and told her I wanted to put my horse in a stall as we were both "exhausted." She yelled at me, "I put another horse in his stall because we didn't know when you were coming!",.. Well HELLO...contract read.....geezz, So she takes said horse out and we go to my trailer to unload my horse. I put the ramp down and she yells again, "We don't feed alfalfa hay at this barn!!".. I politely told her that I keep hay in my trailer for shows, clinics and the like...no problem...Horse goes to stall, I unload and tell BM that I need to unpack and that I would be out later in the week.. She had all the instructions..

Go back out later in the week.. My 5 yr old who couldn't even see another horse from his stall had been left in.. He was a "mess".. I mean to tell you he had walked a circle through the mats!! Did I mention this horse had OCD and stifle surgery as a 4 yr old? That did it!! He had lost at least 100lbs and looked "crazed".. I approached the BM and her resonse was "well, I didn't know what group to put him out with yet".. That was it.. Took less than 5 days to know that this freaking "funny farm" was no place for me.. Did I mention that two boarders approached me with in my first 10 min of unloading to inform me that the BM was an idiot(they used other discriptive words) Also, later on I was told by another boarder that the BM was complaining because a "high maintance dressage rider" was coming in to board.. Seriously, I am the most laid back of people...All I want is good care for my horse and what is offered in the boarding contract.

So what do I do? I get on CotH.. Put out a shout out and have the most amazing woman PM me about her barn in the area..She doesn't advertise...doesn't need too!! I haid already paid the next month board but left within the first few days of the beginning of the new month..I was afraid of the BM and her reaction.. Owners of this "barn" are worthless so I found out...I mean "worthless" when it comes to horse mgmt.. This was a large hobby farm...If I had only known.. I packed my horse and what little stuff I had put in the tack box(knew I wasn't staying) and moved to my new barn.. Two weeks later, owner calls me wanting to know where my horse is...2 weeks later? Told her I felt his health was severerly compromised and decided not to bring him back and felt BM would retaliate.. In stead of asking me what they could have done differently? How they could have corrected any problems, She went off on me. Mind you.. I had paid for the entire month.. She said they had a waiting list and my stall could have been filled. I told her that my stall was paid for for the month and no one was entitled to use it!

I know this is off course a bit but I can only tell you this was a horrible experience. The positive note is that I found the most amazing barn and BO/friends at my new barn.. My horse was immidiately seen by a vet who found him very underweight, stressed and also injected his stifles because he was sooooo sore from turning circles.

There are really good barns/owners/BM's out there.. But unfortunately there are those who certainly give horse people a very bad name:cry:

Good luck to you in your new facility.. :yes:

stryder
Mar. 23, 2010, 01:21 PM
I went to the barn last night, and the barn owner had left a note thanking me for doing the barn. I also received a short email from her this morning, in response to the one that I sent last night, so there is hope that things will end peacefully. She's not a malicious person, regards herself as a professional, and I really don't see her mistreating the horses at all. She cares for them too much and it's just not her way of being.

As others have said, some people get into the business because they love horses, but can only tolerate people. From what I've read so far, it seems your horse won't suffer.

I would attempt a "staged leaving," rather than pull the plug all at once. She probably is relying on you for the chores. I'd send a note, explaining that your time schedule has gotten tighter, and you'll no longer be able to help out. Give her a couple weeks to find someone, and offer to train your replacement. Or whatever would be best for her. But give a date certain when you'll no longer be available to help out, because you want to preserve whatever time you have for riding.

In the meantime, keep looking for another place. Then if the care does go south, you'll be ready to leave immediately.

Good luck.

kch7238
Mar. 23, 2010, 01:33 PM
When you leave a boarding facility, the barn owner is faced with lost income (lessons/board/show fees/etc.). Some of them also take it as a personal rejection, more especially if you are friends or socialize.

I have had to leave two barns, the first one (I had been there quite a few years) I gave notice and my next 30 days board check as I was loading up the trailer. I had slowly been removing tack so that the last day I would not have much to load. It went as well as you could expect. The second time, I gave my 30 days notice (and paid) and said I would be leaving in one week (three weeks early). After I gave notice, my horses were not allowed out of their stalls for that week except when I came to work them (and I did so twice daily when I figured it out), and the day I was to leave all of my tack was thrown out of the tack room onto the barn floor!!! This from someone who I thought was very professional and would never have guessed this would be the reaction.

Better to be safe than sorry, it was expensive to pay double board (one time I left in December:eek:) but worth it to get out without damage to the horses or missing tack. It is sad that it has to be this way. Best of luck to you in your new place and with the move.

greenapples
Mar. 23, 2010, 01:58 PM
blackhorse6---that is terrible!!! I would have done the exact same thing. In my situation, the care is not an issue, which is good, but also doesn't give me an easy out for leaving.

Stryder-thank you...that is a very good plan, and one that I will try to implement. I really am trying hard to leave this in good terms, but we will have to see. I still feel bad for venting and doing it in the manner that I did, but I couldn't take it any longer, and for the sake of my sanity, I just needed to let it out. I'm looking forward to a new perspective as well as reconnecting with some old friends and making new ones.

greenapples
Mar. 23, 2010, 02:08 PM
Ok, so....if I give Barn Owner 30 days notice..when do I pay the 30 days. I currently pay around $1000 a month for the 2 horses, which is a hefty chunk of my income, and makes it difficult for me to pay double board.

If I pay like normal on the first of the month, and include a 30-day notice am I covered? Then I can move said horses at any point in time...is that correct?

TheParisienne
Mar. 23, 2010, 02:37 PM
Yup! If you want to do it that way you sure can.

Personally, I'd give her notice today and pro-rate the board check but that is me. Save your self a week of board. Round the number up.

Let's see... I am doing this math for me. lol.

$1,000/30 days = 33.33333333 per day. So go with 33.34. 30 days -8 for the end of this month: 22 days x 33.34 = $733.48.

Put the math in. Leave the door open and say "Here is my 30 day notice. I will be out by April 22."

The contract says just 30 days, not 30 days from the 1st of the month.

Also, when you are done there, you are done! She'll find someone, she'll train them. You do your thing for the next 30 days and take the high road. But gosh durn it, take care of yourself!!!!!!! Stop helping her out.

greenapples
Mar. 23, 2010, 03:31 PM
Well...some good news!

I just contacted a boarding facility that is close and found out that they have openings for both horses.

All they do is board. No training, no sales, no lessons, which for right now, is exactly what I am needing. I need to decompress, get reaquainted with my horses in a no-stress enviroment, ride without a critique, then I should be able to get back to where I feel like I want to train again.

The owners seem really nice (husband is a youth pastor and minister) and I am working to set up an appointment to visit them this weekend. I don't get paid again until the 31st, so I know I can stick it out until then. It will give me time to get my tack without her around. I have her schedule for the remainder of the month and if I need to move sooner, I have a feeling I can make the move to this place without issue. The best part is that the board for both horses will be a lot less and I don't feel like I will be scrimping on care. The wife emailed me back right away, and it just feels right.

blackhorse6
Mar. 23, 2010, 04:44 PM
Ok, so....if I give Barn Owner 30 days notice..when do I pay the 30 days. I currently pay around $1000 a month for the 2 horses, which is a hefty chunk of my income, and makes it difficult for me to pay double board.

If I pay like normal on the first of the month, and include a 30-day notice am I covered? Then I can move said horses at any point in time...is that correct?

If you feel comfortable leaving your horses there for the month, than yes, give your 30 days notice at the beginning of the month and leave the following month.. I would probably clear out all my belongings except for absolute necessities though. I think some of us have felt that our horses would not be cared for if we gave notice for the 30 days.. Good luck.. A very tough decision.

blackhorse6
Mar. 23, 2010, 04:45 PM
Well...some good news!

I just contacted a boarding facility that is close and found out that they have openings for both horses.

All they do is board. No training, no sales, no lessons, which for right now, is exactly what I am needing. I need to decompress, get reaquainted with my horses in a no-stress enviroment, ride without a critique, then I should be able to get back to where I feel like I want to train again.

The owners seem really nice (husband is a youth pastor and minister) and I am working to set up an appointment to visit them this weekend. I don't get paid again until the 31st, so I know I can stick it out until then. It will give me time to get my tack without her around. I have her schedule for the remainder of the month and if I need to move sooner, I have a feeling I can make the move to this place without issue. The best part is that the board for both horses will be a lot less and I don't feel like I will be scrimping on care. The wife emailed me back right away, and it just feels right.

Congrats!!! good luck and keep us posted. I hope your new barn is as wonderful as the one I found:D

dotneko
Mar. 24, 2010, 06:47 AM
To the OP
It is not *that* common that people need to leave their barn as soon
as they give notice.
When I was diagnosed with Crohn's and went to one of their chat rooms,
my gastroenterologist warned me that the people that did the posting
were usually the ones in the worst shape - the people who got along
fine did not have anything to post about.
I think if you surveyed the thousands of boarders out there, the actual
number who would say LEAVE NOW and pay board twice are small.
While some of these stories are terrible, I don't think they are the norm.

As a side note, my boarding agreement does say 'notice is due for the
first of the month - notice given in the middle of the month is for the
end of the following month' Incoming boarders need to give their notice,
so I need a month to fill the vacancy

staceyk
Mar. 24, 2010, 06:59 AM
I have only left b/4 the end of a months notice once -- I had only been at the barn a few weeks, had signed a boarding contract long distance, and when I arrived the facility was hock deep in mud. Absolutely nowhere I would have my horse outside. I gave notice and moved in a few days. To the credit of the barn owners, they offered several suggestions to "make things work" until the rains subsided and the ground dried.

Things have to go pretty far south b4 I would pay double board. In my experience the worst part is putting up with being a "lame duck," awkwardness, etc. I've never had my horse's care affected, but I don't doubt it happens.

greenapples
Mar. 26, 2010, 11:09 AM
Update--

I am touring a new barn tonight, and wondered what quetions I should ask and if anyone had any advice to offer. Obviously, there will be little said about why I'm leaving, but what questions should I ask in regards to care/services, etc. It's been a long time since I have been looking for a new barn, and when I moved to this one, it was because I was already riding with this person.

TIA

staceyk
Mar. 26, 2010, 11:18 AM
Check out...

http://www.behindthebitblog.com/2008/01/time-to-find-new-barn.html

It has a checklist...

stryder
Mar. 26, 2010, 11:26 AM
There have been a lot of threads about this, and some people have exhaustive lists.

I'd want to know how long people have been there, what kind of riding they do, when are the barn's busiest times, if there are any restrictions on the use of the arena.

How much turnout, whether it's singly or in groups, how horses are handled and by whom. (My barn, if you need to move a horse you just get a halter and move him, but I know that would freak people out in other situations.)

When was the last rate increase, what's included in the base rate, how much are additional fees and for what. I'd want to know the specifics of this, as in how much hay, how often, what kind of grain. Our barn furnishes a specific type of grain, but if I want something else, I just bring it in. Storage space isn't an issue, and they'll feed it if I mix in my own supplements.

Whether the barn has a preferred vet/farrier, or you're free to bring in your own.

And I'd look very intently at horses that have been there a while. Do they look happy? and in good weight? What's the vibe of the place?

good luck!

greenapples
Mar. 26, 2010, 12:17 PM
Thank you Stryder.

I know there have been exhaustive lists on this, however, I'm going tonight to check out the facility and I just don't have a lot of time to day to do a big search.

That is a great list btw, and I'll copy that down and take it with me.

I'm still trying to work out the "friendship" aspect with my current bo, and smooth things over. I don't want to leave an 8 year relationship on a bad note. The choice is hers. Why do these things have to be so difficult???

stryder
Mar. 26, 2010, 12:38 PM
Because people are involved?

I've found that behaving as if things are normal yields great results. I don't expect weirdness, and so don't get it often. And I try to be as forgiving as my mare is.

good luck.

rodawn
Mar. 26, 2010, 01:27 PM
I suggest that you say nothing to her until the stall for which you are waiting is yours. Then, move the horse and give your old trainer the 30 days notice, paying her for that empty stall that you have vacated for those 30 days. It is never good to leave a horse in such a situation after the barn owner knows what you are about. Sometimes, the barn owner is honorable, and sometimes they are not in regards your horse's care. I guess I have lived too long with horses and seen too many things in those years to ever trust to chance.

Seems like you had quite a few pages with suggestions and honestly, I haven't read all the pages. I also feel you should just move your horse, but pay your soon-to-be-ex trainer her 30 days of board for your now empty stall. It means you will be paying double board for one month, but I also suspect your horse and you will be subjected to a living nightmare if you give notice that you intend to leave. Sad to say, but she sounds very angry and bitter, and has quite the mean streak in her.

It's not the right place for you if you're feeling anxiety or dread at stepping foot inside the barn. Clear signal that all is not well, and hasn't been well for a very long time.

Maybe one day she'll figure out her behavior is costing her a lot of money and clients.

Also, really, from the BO's perspective, you are a business client and that is how she would be looking at you for the most part, so that is how it needs to be with you.

A friend is someone you hang out with, chat on the phone with, confide in, do stuff together with (outside of the horsie thing). That's what a friend is. Unless you were people that hung out together, went to movies together, parties, whatever, she is not really your friend. An acquaintance, yes. Your trainer, yes. But not really a friend.

Wikipedia's definition of a friend: A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors, creating a friendship.

Friendship: It's a bond in which one has a feeling towards another one. Friendship is the cooperative and supportive relationship between people, or animals. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, affection, and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as the exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for some, the practical execution of friendship is little more than the trust that someone will not harm them.

This is not you and she, at least that's clear to me from your description. A FRIEND does not make you anxious or dread seeing them! So you are neither friends, nor have a friendship.

greenapples
Mar. 26, 2010, 02:09 PM
Rodawn,

Thank you for your very enlightening post.

Yes, we used to hang out, go to movies, chat, talk on the phone, and somewhere along the way, it all changed. Sometime last year, looking back. It's left me confused, bewildered and anxious, because I have tried to open the lines of communication and understand if there was something that I did or didn't do to damage the relationship. From all of my inner soul searching, I have discovered that it's not me, but her. The biggest flag was meeting her for dinner a couple of weeks ago. She came to dinner, angry and upset that I didn't return her email regarding car pooling. I honestly didn't read it in her message. She then went on to say that she thought that the request was "formal" and usually formal meetings are bad? WTF??? Then when I was trying to discuss my concerns with my riding, she was quick to be judgemental and demeaning. These are all things that led me to blowing up on Saturday. Enough is enough. Yep, moving barns quickly will be the best thing that I can do.

I'm feeling really good about the new barn. It will be very nice to see it in person, and I believe that having some time away from training and lessons, might be just the thing that I need to get my riding back on track and the enjoyment back with my horses. BO called me this morning wanting to talk, and I have yet to call her back. I'm hoping in a way that she will just kick me out and then I will have an easier way to leave and move on.

Zu Zu
Mar. 26, 2010, 02:23 PM
Jingles continue for you during this messy & uncomfortable time !!! :eek: You will be ssoooo relieved to get to a new barn !!! And yes, I agree you will once again love your riding and enjoy your horse activities.:cool: Hoping you get out sooner than later.:D

stryder
Mar. 26, 2010, 02:33 PM
BO called me this morning wanting to talk, and I have yet to call her back. I'm hoping in a way that she will just kick me out and then I will have an easier way to leave and move on.

I recommend the high road. Call her back, but keep it short. As in, "what can I do for you?" And then, "OK, thanks, gotta run."

Short, sweet, business-like. There are two sides to every relationship, and passive-aggressive often leads to more trouble.

greenapples
Mar. 26, 2010, 03:03 PM
Oh, I know Stryder. It's just the anxiety I have with talking to her right now.
I plan to call her back and keep it simple. I'm not thinking that I will be doing anything passive-aggressive, but more like she is calling to tell me to leave. I don't get that vibe, as she has more to lose right now that I do in all of this. Her tone was pleasant, so I may be anxious for nothing. I just don't want to deal with it right at this moment, but know that I will have to soon. I was hoping that I could go and see the new barn this evening before I talk to her, then I would have a clearer idea of my options and plan. I'm not a fly by the seat of my pants type of person, especially when my horses' care is at stake.

greenapples
Mar. 26, 2010, 03:04 PM
Jingles continue for you during this messy & uncomfortable time !!! :eek: You will be ssoooo relieved to get to a new barn !!! And yes, I agree you will once again love your riding and enjoy your horse activities.:cool: Hoping you get out sooner than later.:D

Thanks ZuZu! I wish my heart would stop pounding and the anxiety that I feel go away. Maybe after I talk to her it will.

Zu Zu
Mar. 30, 2010, 10:01 AM
Bumping this thread up ~ Jingles to greenapples and her horses ~ hoping no news is good news. How was the barn visit ? Travel/moving plans being made ? Good Luck ~ please update when you have a chance.

Zu Zu
Apr. 2, 2010, 08:30 AM
Bumping up for an update ~ Jingles for the greenapples family to have a quiet and peaceful holiday weekend ~ with some happy "moving to a new barn" planning going on too !:cool:

Zu Zu
Apr. 6, 2010, 08:24 AM
Bumping this up for a moving update ~ hoping everything has settled down for you and your horses.

narcisco
Apr. 6, 2010, 09:52 AM
An eight year relationship is hard to end OR change, so perhaps your expectations of being friends after are too great, at least right now.

When we have trainers who are also "friends" we've entered a dual relationship that is risky. The dual relationship is very common, because as a trainer, I have very little time to make friends outside of the business. Most of my friends are clients or horse related in some way. Dual relationships are always tricky, because of the power shifts. She's a trainer, she's in the power seat. You're the client, you pay, you have the power. She's a friend you don't want to lose, she has the power. Muddy waters.

It's natural and normal for people to grieve as the relationship changes. I know for me, when I have that liver slithering out feeling EVERY time I have to go to the barn and face the person, then I know it's time to leave, no regrets, no remorse, no second guessing.

So, you've said that treating clients this way is a PATTERN for the trainer. I know I've sat there and thought, "oh, the trainer won't treat me that way. We're friends." It's not that we're particularly stupid or naive. It's just that our expectations of friends are different than the trainer's. If she treats others that way, ultimately she will treat us that way.

Since it's a pattern, that's where I would look for answers to the outcome of the situation. If the trainer always ends with others on a negative note, I might expect that it might end that way with me and not stress too much.

Control what you can, your honesty, your ethics, your professionalism. It sounds like you let things build up until they got out of hand, then you blew. Perhaps it might be worth risking a little more confrontation when you are unhappy in the next boarding situation rather than waiting until it overflows into a big one. That's my nickle's worth, if you remember Lucy in the Peanuts cartoon.

greenapples
Apr. 6, 2010, 11:42 AM
narcisco-thank you for nickel's worth :) Very much true and very good advice. I loved your post and it really summed up the situation. She doesn't always let the relationship end badly, and that is what I'm trying to avoid in this situation. I would like the opportunity to leave the bridge in place and not have it burned behind me.

I did also want to update on the moving situation.

The barn I went to look at last week, just didn't give me a good vibe. The owner has a lot on her plate with an ill parent, and while the horses all looked great, and the facility looked great, there was really no place to ride. It might be a good option for my mare, and I'm still thinking about moving her there. After taking a step back this week, letting my emotions calm down, and reevaluating the situation. I believe that I can make a decent exit strategy without ruffling too many feathers and harvesting too much ill will.

I did speak with the trainer/owner last week. Lots of things going on in her life, and she wasn't angry at all over my blow-up. Actually acknowledged that it was a wake-up call that she needed, and that she had, in fact, been treating others pretty poorly. She didn't apologize for her behaviour, nor did I. Things are a little more pleasant at the barn right now and I can deal with it for the short while, until I have a decent plan in place that is not rushed or hurried. This is not a decision that I will be making lightly, because my horse's care is what is at stake.

Nacisco--I will definitely be more controlled at the next place. Not letting things build until I can't handle them. I feel that in this situation, I had a lot of personal things that occurred before all of this happened and it clouded my judgement. Those things are over and in the past, and I'm back to feeling a bit more in control. I should have expressed my dissatisfaction sooner, and I have not been holding back with things this past week, nor will I going forward.

I may not be very active on this thread for awhile, but will post more as things develop. I have lots of other things going on in my life, and I'm not on here a lot, so be patient.

ZuZu...thank you for all of your support :)

Take care!