View Full Version : My horse died last night - I don't know what to do. I posted this also in OC, but again won't hurt. Pictures now posted.

Jul. 30, 2003, 06:20 AM
I was on my way to dinner with my boyfriend and I get a hysterical call from my friend from the barn telling me to go there right away, something had happened to Sebastian. There was a huge thunder storm with lots of close lightening, the horses had been running around and lightening hit a tree close by - Sebastian ran into the fence and broke his left hind in 3 places. I got there and he was standing in the dark, in the pouring rain, with lightening all around, with his leg hanging off, covered in blood and sweat. I went and held him and cried on him in the rain - telling him I didnt want him to die and that it wasnt fair and he was going to be some kids new favorite horse and was going to teach them so much - I wanted to badly for him to be ok, for him to live, but the vet got there and took one look and said there was no possible way for him to survive. She put him down and he just laid there, in the rain, with his head on my lap, giving me sad looks because I know he didnt want to go away - and I layed there in my dress clothes and just cried long after the vet and everyone had left. My poor sweet horse had to spend the night in the middle of his feild in a thunderstrom all night long, with only a fleece cooler over him. This happened 12 hours ago - its just not fair. How can I be driving to dinner at 7:26 and then be holding my dead horse's head in my lap at 8:43. Its just not right, its not fair. I dont know what to do - I work at the barn so I have to go out there, but I dont know if I can. I will drive my the pasture and see the big pile of fresh dirt where they buried him, I will go and feed the pasture horses and he wont be there - I was supposed to have a lesson this morning. I know many of you have gone through this - how did you do it, how did you move on. Its all I can think about, I dont know who to talk to, I feel like there is one person I can call and it will make eveyrthing better but theres not. I am mad at God for doing this to my horse and I am so extremely upset - nothing anyone says of does makes me feel any better. Also, I work at this barn and I am supposed to go out there today and ride my friends horse and possibly feed tonight - I want to go out there but I dont know if I can - I dont want to see where my baby was buried and where he died and suffered and see his blood on the ground. Can someone help me? My mom's out of town and my dad hs never been sensitive about my horses or anything else so he doesnt say to much - just, I dont know, any advice? anything?

[This message was edited by Lammie on Jul. 30, 2003 at 10:18 PM.]

Jul. 30, 2003, 06:20 AM
I was on my way to dinner with my boyfriend and I get a hysterical call from my friend from the barn telling me to go there right away, something had happened to Sebastian. There was a huge thunder storm with lots of close lightening, the horses had been running around and lightening hit a tree close by - Sebastian ran into the fence and broke his left hind in 3 places. I got there and he was standing in the dark, in the pouring rain, with lightening all around, with his leg hanging off, covered in blood and sweat. I went and held him and cried on him in the rain - telling him I didnt want him to die and that it wasnt fair and he was going to be some kids new favorite horse and was going to teach them so much - I wanted to badly for him to be ok, for him to live, but the vet got there and took one look and said there was no possible way for him to survive. She put him down and he just laid there, in the rain, with his head on my lap, giving me sad looks because I know he didnt want to go away - and I layed there in my dress clothes and just cried long after the vet and everyone had left. My poor sweet horse had to spend the night in the middle of his feild in a thunderstrom all night long, with only a fleece cooler over him. This happened 12 hours ago - its just not fair. How can I be driving to dinner at 7:26 and then be holding my dead horse's head in my lap at 8:43. Its just not right, its not fair. I dont know what to do - I work at the barn so I have to go out there, but I dont know if I can. I will drive my the pasture and see the big pile of fresh dirt where they buried him, I will go and feed the pasture horses and he wont be there - I was supposed to have a lesson this morning. I know many of you have gone through this - how did you do it, how did you move on. Its all I can think about, I dont know who to talk to, I feel like there is one person I can call and it will make eveyrthing better but theres not. I am mad at God for doing this to my horse and I am so extremely upset - nothing anyone says of does makes me feel any better. Also, I work at this barn and I am supposed to go out there today and ride my friends horse and possibly feed tonight - I want to go out there but I dont know if I can - I dont want to see where my baby was buried and where he died and suffered and see his blood on the ground. Can someone help me? My mom's out of town and my dad hs never been sensitive about my horses or anything else so he doesnt say to much - just, I dont know, any advice? anything?

[This message was edited by Lammie on Jul. 30, 2003 at 10:18 PM.]

Jul. 30, 2003, 06:24 AM
I'm so sorry for you and for Sebastian. I know there is nothing that can be said to make it better when you lose your best friend, but just know I am thinking of you and holding you close in my heart.


Jul. 30, 2003, 06:25 AM
Oh God, Lammie, I am SO sorry! http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif I can't begin to imagine what you're going through... http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/no.gif Wish there was something I could do or say to help ease the pain http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif

"KICK ON, AIDEN!" http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/winkgrin.gif
http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/yes.gif*SC'er's Clique*http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/yes.gif*http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/uhoh.gifGroup W Bench Clique*http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/uhoh.gif

Jul. 30, 2003, 06:31 AM
That is dreadful, truly dreadful. It was just a freak accident, and nobody could have stopped it, even if they wanted to. I am SO sorry, but keep in mind that Sebastian has joined his friend Willem over the Rainbow Bridge and he "loffs" you.

"More than a few runners she had retired showed up in The Chronicle of the Horse, their necks arched and their knees neatly folded over the impressive obstacles." --Horse Heaven

Jul. 30, 2003, 06:33 AM
I am so sorry for your loss - slow down, take a deep breath and think of all the wonderful times you had with him. It's okay to cry, and it's okay to take some time off to reflect on this; I don't think anyone would expect you to be up to feeding/caring for the other horses right away. Remember that you gave him the best that you could in letting him go quickly, and not adding to his pain while trying to find a miracle that unfortunately was not meant to be. Try & find your mom while she's out of town - I'm sure she wouldn't want you going through this alone. Hang in there, honey - if you want someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. Thinking of you, and your wonderful horsey http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif

Jul. 30, 2003, 06:42 AM
Oh Lammie, I am SO SORRY http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif! Like you said there is nothing anyone can say right now to make this better. Just know that we are here for you. As far as you having to go to the barn, I'm certain no one is expecting you to come to the barn today, tomorrow or the next day. This is an impossible thing to deal, especially at this moment in time. Just know that Sebastian is in a wonderful place (all be it way too soon).
Sending you a huge cyber hug from SC http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif.

http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gifNatalie http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif

"A horse is a horse of course of course"...This person obviously never met MY horse!
*Who Knew*
*Frosted Flakes*

Jul. 30, 2003, 06:43 AM
http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif I am so sorry for you. It is so hard, nothing really makes you feel better. Just keep going out to the barn, the other horses will make you feel better. It's ok if you don't take your lesson today, wait until your ready. Hope you feel better soon http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

Jul. 30, 2003, 06:44 AM
Oh Lammie, I am so very sorry for you loss. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/no.gif

I agree, try to get ahold of you Mother, men are pretty useless at times like this.

((((((((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))))))))

"Do not underestimate a horse's pride, or he will dent yours.

Roxy Redhead
Jul. 30, 2003, 06:46 AM
Oh my goodness ... I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. It wasn't anyone's fault that it happened, least of all YOURS. It was a freak thing and you did the right thing in stopping him from being in pain and suffering, which is the hardest decision for you to make - I know, I had to put my dear old friend of almost 20 years down a few years ago. It was the most difficult thing I ever had to do in my life.

It's okay to hurt and it's okay to cry - but slowly, the pain will ease up enough so that you will begin to remember your dear old friend with a smile rather than a tear.

Just remember - it was an ACCIDENT and it was in NO WAY your fault. You were with him at the end, and he slipped away with his 'person' with him; that is the best gift you could have given him.

My thoughts are with you, hang in there - remember you always have horsey friends here that do understand what you are going through.

Katy, owned and loved by Feather, the Spotted Wonderhorse
** Member of the Appaloosa Clique **
** Get Spotted on an Appaloosa **

Jul. 30, 2003, 06:52 AM
OMG! I'm almost in tears now! I can't even begin to imagine how you feel! If you can, I would take a few days off from the barn. Maybe do some stuff for yourself. Spend time with friends. Even if they aren't horsey they will probably understand you loss and be very compasionate for you.
Again, I'm so so so sorry!


*Tapestry* 2000 Dutch WB mare by Contango

Jul. 30, 2003, 06:54 AM
I'm so sorry for you and this terrible thing that happened. I lost my horse last fall and know it takes a long time for the pain to subside. Know that everyone is thinking about you and caring about you at this time.

Jul. 30, 2003, 06:56 AM
I'm truely sorry that you and Sebastian had to go through this. It is so hard to lose the ones we love.

Jul. 30, 2003, 07:05 AM
I understand what you're going through, 2 years ago I lost my favorite stallion, Orka, to colic surgery, and after a month of keeping him alive, we had to put him down due to laminitis.
There aren't any magic words your can say to make the pain go away. I also thought that it wasn't fair, why did this happen to me? Why am I being punished? Don't think like that, it won't take you anywhere.
It helped me more to think about this... Everything happens for a reason, and a door is never closed without a windown being opened.
I cried for a long time, then stopped crying altoghether.. Finally 3 months later I wrote him a letter to say good bye, and that was the closure I needed.
If you ever need to talk, Email me.
I am very sorry.

- Luisa
"As the Europeans say - No Scope, No Hope!"

Jul. 30, 2003, 07:07 AM
What an awful thing to have happened!

Things happen sometimes which are unexplainable - and that we have no control over. Those are the hardest to accept and understand.

You should take some time off to gather yourself, to take the time to reflect on the happy times that you have spent there and how much joy Sebastian has given you. Yes, it will be hard, hard to think about, hard to get past, hardest to go on. But if he were here, and could tell you, he would say thank you - thank you for your care and attention, your love and annoyance, and every moment with you. And he would thank you most of all for being strong enough to be there when he needed you the most.

It is OK to cry, to scream, to be angry - all of that is normal. And it will lessen with time, and be replaced by the good memories. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/sadsmile.gif

Glimmer and I send cyber hugs and thoughts your way. Hang in there - and that is the beauty of this board. You can come here anytime and talk to people who can sympathize - the virtual cyper shoulder. I have used it a time or two....

Hopeful Hunter
Jul. 30, 2003, 07:10 AM
I lost a horse to colic, and I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. I don't know that you ever "get over" it -- time makes the better memories more prominent, but that loss does remain. It doesn't mean another relationship with a horse is out of the question, but it never takes away the one you've lost. If it helps at all, this quote gave me some solace my horse died.

"We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than our own, live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached. Unable to accept its awful gaps, we still would live no other way. We cherish memory as the only certain immortality, never fully understanding the necessary plan."

Irving Townsend

Jul. 30, 2003, 07:13 AM
I am so, so, SOOOO sorry about your loss. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif I can't imagine losing a horse of mine like that. It'll be hard, but eventually you'll feel better. In the mean time, you've got the whole COTH community here for you.


Jul. 30, 2003, 07:21 AM
I'm sure many of you have seen this but I'm going to post it. I lost my first foal I bred last week. She was only seven, we buried her a week ago today and I'm still crying. This was sent to me by my vet and a Dear friend. Maybe it will help you too. I'm so sorry for your loss and feel your pain. It is so hard, my heart will always have a scar from the hole left by Pearl. But the hole will heal and scar in time.

Don't Cry For The Horses

Don't cry for the horses that life has set free,
a million white horses forever to be.
Don't cry for the horses now in God's hands
as they dance and they prance in a heavenly band.

They were ours as a gift, but never to keep;
as they close their eyes forever to sleep.
Their spirits unbound, on silver wings they fly,
a million white horses against the blue sky.

Look up into heaven, you'll see them above;
the horses we lost the horses we loved.
Manes and tails flowing, they gallop through time.
They were never yours-they were never mine.

Don't cry for the horses, they'll be back someday.
When our time is gone they'll show us the way.
Do you hear that soft nicker close to your ear?
Don't cry for the horses, love the ones that are here.

Author unknown

Jul. 30, 2003, 07:31 AM
I'm so sorry for your loss Lammie. Just remember that Sebastian will always be grateful for the life that you gave him. He's in Heaven running and jumping. He loves you for letting him go so quickly.
I lost my horse, Lady, in November to cancer. I know how hard it is to lose a horse. I owned Lady for 6 1/2 years.
It's always sad to lose a young horse.
Call your mom. PM me if you need to talk.

Kathi, Sail Away (Sally) and A Gift for Jenny (Joe)

Jul. 30, 2003, 07:42 AM
Oh Lammie,
I am SO sorry. What a nightmare. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I know you loved Sebastian and he loved you. You had wonderful times together. Let those memories live in your heart and he will always be with you.

Member of the Baby Greenie Support Group

Jul. 30, 2003, 07:42 AM
You poor dear! My hugs and sympathy join everyone else's.
And, as others have said, remember the good times, know that this was a freak accident and that bad things happen for no specific reason and with no one being at fault.

www.ayliprod.com (http://www.ayliprod.com)
Equine Video and Still Photography in the Northeast

Jul. 30, 2003, 07:53 AM
Reading this brought tears to my eyes - what a terrible thing to go through. And dads sometimes just can't understand these things. Definitely get hold of your mom as she will understand no matter what!

It is a sad, and traumatic, thing to go through - cry as much as you need to, and don't push yourself. You are going to be sad, and you are going to grieve, and that's to be expected. I can imagine that if I had to go through anything near what you went through, I wouldn't feel like doing much of anything right now.

So sorry for your loss. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif

~~GA Clique, BGSG (though very close to graduating!)~~


Jul. 30, 2003, 08:02 AM
I am so sorry, http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif Hugs for you. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif

Tara owned by Boo the wonder pinto

Jul. 30, 2003, 08:02 AM
Aw, sweetie, I am so sorry to hear about this. That is such a tough loss to take. I am sending you big cyber-hugs, and I will keep you in my prayers. There is not much I can say to add to what others have said. Just know that this board is a wonderful support group, and they all share the same love you have for your Sabastian.

I'm just the mom.

Proud Member: Thoroughbred Clique, Danish Warmblood Clique, & Support Your Servicemen Clique

Jul. 30, 2003, 08:04 AM
Similar thing happened to me...lost my favorite mare to broken hind leg (compound fracture). She did it out to pasture in the evening as well. I owned and operated the barn...so I had no choice but to continue to work the next morning. I was able to because my mom was standing there saying "you have to feed the other horses. You can't let them suffer because of this". I did get over it...problem was, I didn't really grieve then (I just got busy and got to work) That wasn't the best thing, because a few years later I had to go through the process. So, I guess the best thing is to go ahead and grieve now. The other thing is that if you have to work there, put your mind on the other horses that need your attention.

Jul. 30, 2003, 08:16 AM
((Hugs your way)) i am so sorry!

Why they call it falling, now I know.

Jul. 30, 2003, 08:25 AM
This is just horrible. I wish we could all be there with you, to hold you, and to cry with you. We love our horses so much and people outside our horse world just don't get it.

I am glad that you could be with him at the end to somehow comfort him in his remaining time. I am sure he knew how much you loved him.

Hugs,hugs, and hugs. We are all thinking of you.

Jul. 30, 2003, 08:31 AM
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. just try to think that you did the kindest thing by putting him down. he can now rest in peace. his suffering is over. you will be sad for a long time. i know. i lost my trainer's wonderful 26 year old jumper and i still miss him. what life would be like with him still in the world. but the horses are not suffering now. i wish you the best.

Jul. 30, 2003, 09:27 AM
I know exactly how you fee. Last fall I sent my horse to a barn to be sold. The person selling the horse decided that she wanted to buy him a month later. Two days after we made the deal we get a call from her telling us to come to the vet's clinic immediately and that he had been hurt. We didn't know exactly what happened until we saw the x-rays. He had slid in the mud, fell, and shattered his knee into about ten pieces. We and the vets decided that the most humane thing to do was to euthanize him. I cried so much during that time and still get upset when I talk about him. He was the greatest horse ever, and my first horse, and taught me so much. After the accident, I kept on thinking to myself,"He would have still been alive if I didn't move him." It was such a freak thing and just a horrible experience. It took me a while to get over it but I know he is in a better place and is happier.


Jul. 30, 2003, 09:48 AM
Thank you for your symathy and compassion - it is greatly needed and much appreiciated. I went out to the barn this morning, I just felt like I had to. Sebastian had been buried where he fell before I had gotten there - I just wanted to dig him up and hug him - I miss him so much - I just sat on the ground over him and cried for a very long time. I feel bad that I wasnt there to see him be buried, it would have been bad for me to have been there, and it would have been too graphic to see him dumped into a hole, but I just feel like he was alone and I wasnt there for him. I gave an apple to his best horsie friend but it didnt make me feel any better. I went into the barn and talked to my trainer and my freind for a while and I still didnt feel any better. I decided to help the PM feeder by dishing out tonights food and Sebastian's feed bucket was sitting apart from all the others and I just cried harder. I wish he was still here, being fat and happy in his pasture - I can't get away from it. His boots are in my car, his bridle needs to be cleaned and I have tons of extra medicine and shots that he was going to need in the future. I just feel lost- I dont know where to go or what to do, every time I have had something bad happen, I've wanted to go to the barn. Now, I dont know. I want to go to the barn, but I want to go to see my boy -but he's not there. I talked to my mom but she wont be home til Sunday. My friends are calling me and asking me to do stuff and I appreiciate their concern but I wish they'd just leave me alone. This is going to be a really hard thing. I keep getting flashbacks of him last night - of him standing there with his leg dangeling, him shaking and sweatly. I found out, though, what he actually did. During the storm, he and 5 other horses were running around because they got spooked with lightening hit a close tree. They ran Sebastain into the metal gate - I guess he tried to stop but couldnt and slid and broke the gate and the chain holding it closed and then ran still, with a broken leg, to the other side of his 40 acre feild. They are now breaking up the feild into smaller paddocks because its obvious that horses in big herds arent very safe. Anyway, thanks for your support.

Jul. 30, 2003, 09:50 AM

I am so sorry to hear about this. Just remember you were with him to send him on his way over the rainbow bridge. That will eventually be a special (albeit bittersweet) memory. Chin up.


Jul. 30, 2003, 09:51 AM
Losing your horse this way is just the most awful thing! http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif There is no making sense of it; it's really easier for me to think that things actually DO happen for no particular purpose. But it really sucks. I'm so sorry!

my buddy's blue
Jul. 30, 2003, 09:54 AM
I am so sorry for your loss. I cried when I read your post. It is so hard to lose someone you love so much. I read all of the other post and I know that your horse is in a better place, but to you that is not much comfort now. It wasn't for me anyhow. I don't care how many times you hear it. Try to get in touch with your mom, they know how it fix alot of hurts(no matter how old we get). I lost a horse this year, it was a freak accident. Please grieve for your horse, I didn't and now today I realize how much I miss him. Your friends at the barn will understand. I wish I could do more to help you. Many non-horse people won't understand, they just see a horse. They do not understand that you have lost a friend, a partner, someone that listens to you on bad days and doesn't judge, and someone that holds all of your hopes and dreams. Time will heal things.

Jul. 30, 2003, 10:12 AM
I am so very sorry for your loss. My daughter went through a similar traumatic loss summer before last (arrived at the barn to find her horse with a horrible leg injury after a freak accident, and he had to be put down.)

Please let your friends help you if they can. The only way my daughter got through it was because of the kind attention of her pals at the barn. It will take a long time for this to get easier for you, take the support of those who care about you. As for going to the barn or not, only you know what's right for you, but if you have friends there, think about spending some time there with them.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif

I'm just the mom....

Jul. 30, 2003, 10:15 AM
You are correct, Lammie, it isn't fair. It isn't fair to you or to Sebastian. You have every right to feel grief, anger, and emptiness. The fact that you do feel so strongly is an honorable testament to how much you loved Sebastian and how greatly he deserved that love and affection.

I'm afraid that nothing anyone can say will make your loss any easier to bear, but please know that we all feel for you and for Sebastian.

I thank heaven you were able to be with him at the end. Through the pain and the shock I am certain that he recognized your love and was comforted by your presence.

It is because of my animals and the importance they have in my life that I know there must be some refuge for them beyond this life. I take comfort in knowing that I will, some day, be with them again.

My sympathy and prayers are with you and your sweet Sebastian.

A person is prohibited to eat until he first feeds his animals.

- Babylonian Talmud, Berakhot 40a

Jul. 30, 2003, 10:18 AM
i am SO sorry. i have never lost a horse before. all i can do is express my deepest sympathies. this was not fair, but usually life isn't. it's tough. i'm sorry http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/sadsmile.gif (((((BIG HUGS))))) hang in there http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif


-A canter is the cure for all evils - B. Disraeli
-if you feel like you're under control, you're just not going fast enough - mario andretti


Jul. 30, 2003, 10:19 AM
I want to plant a tree where he is buried, but I dont know what kind. I want it to be fairly small but really pretty - any ideas? I dont even have a peice of his tail and I have pictures but I cant post them because Im not a premium member. I have talked to my mom only twice, I wish she was here - my dads an ass who doesnt understand or really seem to care - hes walking around like nothing happened -he didnt even go out to the barn when I called him last night. I got there and no one was there except for the girl who called me, my poor horse died with only myself and the vet holding him, I'm just 18, I wish I had my mom. My dad told me I was being a brat and I didnt have the right to treat him badly (I just asked him to leave me alone and to not talk to me because I was upset because my horse died in my lap0 and he told me, yeah, your horse died, see if you can move on. God I wish I had someone here - you are all helping a lot, thank you.

Jul. 30, 2003, 10:21 AM
Oh Lammie how sad for you http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif
I went through a similar experience with my boy, he injured his leg and then cast himself in his stall, when I found him, he was up, but his hind left was swaying, the tibia completely fractured. We had to drug him to get him outside where the vet put him down. It was horrific!
And I was devastated for a long time.
I was angry with God too, but I soon learned that God doesn't close one door without opening another. Take care and grieve as long as you need too..

Jul. 30, 2003, 10:22 AM
I'm very sorry for your loss, Lammie. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

Planting a tree is wonderful idea. Blooming Cherry or Weeping Cherry are both really pretty trees -- both bloom each spring (but don't actually produce cherries). You might want to fence them after planting to protect them.

NYHR (http://www.nyhr.org)

Jul. 30, 2003, 10:23 AM
It was just horrible, I mean the only thing holding his leg together where his tendons and ligaments, all the bones where broken straight through, in 3 places. I am just mortified, I miss him, and I have little support at home - I'm just a kid, I need help, but can't seem to find it anywhere. I miss my Bastian.

Jul. 30, 2003, 10:28 AM
I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you.

Perhaps speaking with someone at one of the following pet loss grief groups would help. The loss of an animal is tremendous & you shouldn't go it alone.



"Of course he's got a brand on his hip - he's a Sonoran Warmblood."
Horse Box Lovers Clique

Jul. 30, 2003, 10:44 AM
Why don't you plant an apple tree? That way Sebastian will always have apples.

"Some people need to buy the winners, others make them."

Jul. 30, 2003, 11:51 AM
Oh Lammie, my heart goes out to you! I too lost a horse, but it was after two years of her being ill and my never knowing when the time would come to let her go. I don't know if being prepared makes it a whole lot easier.

It doesn't sound like Sebastian suffered for very long. He was probably so full of adrenaline that he wasn't hurting too bad, and it sounds like you ended his suffering quickly. You are a WONDERFUL MOM for letting him go when his time came!

You will find peace. Not right away, but you will. For me it took about two weeks. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Go to the barn and spend time with your other favorite horses. They will bring you more comfort than any human can! Sit by Sebastian's spot and talk to him. Say all the things you feel like you need to say. Cry as long and as hard as you need to. ALLOW yourself to mourn; it is your right. It feels like hell, but you need it. The mourning process is what will allow you to eventually move on.

Also, remember the good times. TALK about the good times with your friends who knew Sebastian. Look at pictures and remember how happy you both were. Remind yourself that you could not have given him a better life, even at the end. Know that he is galloping around in Heaven now, where there are no scary thunderstorms. His leg is all better now. And when you meet him there someday, you'll get to ride him again.

Hang in there! I promise it will get better. We are ALL here for you, always!

I like the apple tree idea. The "Rose of Sharon" is also beautiful and stays pretty small. Plus it blooms at exactly this time of year, with gorgeous pink/purple flowers. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/sadsmile.gif

Jul. 30, 2003, 12:08 PM
Please keep posting here, Lammie, we are here for you.

Ignore your father. I am close to 50 and my father STILL doesn't understand my feelings towards my horses.

We do understand. Please post anytime you feel you need to talk. You are in our thoughts.

chrissy mackris
Jul. 30, 2003, 12:17 PM
a similar thing happened to me when i was 13. I had gotten my first horse, and i loved him, and he was out in the field and thunder scared him so he reared up, and because he was old and his bones were brittle, when he came down, he broke his leg. I was at school and my mom called hysterical at school and came to pick me up, but by the time we got there it was too later they had to put him down cause he was in too much pain.

i lied down in his stall and i cried until my eyes were swollen shut, but the next day i woke up and went to the barn and rode another horse, and honestly, if i hadn't FORCED myself to go back to the barn the next day, i probably never would have gone at all. It was hard, but i started riding other horses, which kinda of gave me something else to think about.

I am terribly sorry for your loss, because i know exactly how you feel. i think that my experience just made me appreciate my horses even more.
good luck, and be strong


Jul. 30, 2003, 12:50 PM
Lammie, I am so sorry for your sudden and unexpected loss. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif Hugs to you, Dear. Know that we are here for you any time. We understand because some of us have gone thru this before. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif Allow yourself to grieve as this will take a very long time to ease your pain. But "get right back on" as we say and cuddle with other horses. You have much love to give and there are plenty of shoulders for you to lean on. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/yes.gif Sincere condolences.

Jul. 30, 2003, 03:19 PM
A few pictures of sweet Sebastian....


"If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame."

Jul. 30, 2003, 03:19 PM


"If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame."

Jul. 30, 2003, 03:20 PM
yet another....


"If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame."

Jul. 30, 2003, 03:20 PM
Rest in Peace, Sebastian....


"If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame."

Jul. 30, 2003, 03:35 PM
What a pretty boy... http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/sigh.gif I was going to suggest an apple tree as well...they're so pretty when they blossom... http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/yes.gif You've been in my thoughts all day, Lammie~ hope things will get better for you soon~ sorry your dad's being such an ass~ typical man for ya... http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/no.gif

"KICK ON, AIDEN!" http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/winkgrin.gif
http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/yes.gif*SC'er's Clique*http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/yes.gif*http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/uhoh.gifGroup W Bench Clique*http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/uhoh.gif

Jul. 30, 2003, 04:13 PM
Oh God! I'm so sorry... I can't even imagine. Yes, plant an apple tree, and around the base, plant carrots.


x (http://community.webshots.com/user/supercal427) marks the spot

Jul. 30, 2003, 04:21 PM
I am so sorry. Something like this happened to me about a year ago. I was out somewhere one day and my pony was getting a day off. He was running in the field and he fell and shattered his right knee. My trainer immediatly took him up to the UGA Vet School, but there was nothing they could do. No one even told me until the next day when i got home. Be glad you got to say good bye and share the last moments. Just remember that you love horses and nothing will stop that. Keep riding and remember what he taught you. I know how you are feeling and i know it will take a long time to get over the feeling. But you will. You dont have to ride right away, but keep riding and lovig horses.
I am so sorry.

Large green ponies! http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Jul. 30, 2003, 04:27 PM
This accident sounds soooo horrible. amber (above) is my best friend, and I remeber her ponys accident. It was really awful, and its still sad. But we just learned 2 remember the good times. Its hard, but itll get better with time. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

~*Caroline and Eddy*~
~*I was normal... then I
bought my first horse*~


Jul. 30, 2003, 04:47 PM
Time heals all wounds...I don't think you can do anything to make yourself feel better except wait...and try not to wallow in it too much.

"Freedom is nothing but a chance to be better." - Albert Camus

Jul. 30, 2003, 05:12 PM
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. While reading your story and looking at the pictures I began to cry because they brought back so many memories of when my horse died, which was only in December. Two of my horses were being shipped out West to a show, and they stopped at a farm overnight. Someone set the barn on fire. I don't really know all of the details except for that one of my horses crashed through the stall and barn door to get out (which he did safely), while the other didn't. He was SO severely burned...when we got there he was still alive, but not doing too well. His usual happy, mischievous face was filled with pain and fright, and a look of defeat. 80% of his body was burned. We trailored him back home, and the next day he went to Guelph(horse hospital in Ontario). By the time we got him there, he was in really bad shape. He had kidney failure and severe lung and throat damage from smoke inhalation. He had pockets of water forming on his body from the proteins seperating (as a result of kidney failure). He was in so much pain he could barely keep his head up; his nose touched the ground when he walked. The worst part was that it was freeeeezing cold, and we had no choice but to put a blanket over him to stop him from going into shock. I still have the blanket which is black from his charred skin . Even his mane was burnt right off. He passed away that night, and I didn't even get to say goodbye. They wouldn't allow us to visit him(unless they believed he was going to die) because a very serious virus was being spread through the hospital, and they wanted to get rid of it. And although he wasn't doing well, they thought he would make it through the night.

I want you to know that I experienced the same feelings. I asked myself questions like "why didn't I send him with our usual shipping guy?","why wasn't I there to help him","why can't I make his pain go away?" etc. I saw him suffering, I watched him so weak and vulnerable.

I also want you to know that as hard as it may be (and trust me I know how hard it is), you will get through it. The pain of the loss will probably never go away, but with time it will become easier to cope with. You will always love your guy, and he knows that. Don't be scared if you DONT want to go to the barn, or if you DONT want to work. That's very normal. But as the days go by, and the pain becomes easier to deal with you will want to go to the barn, you will want to ride, you will want to work, and one day, maybe sooner than, later you will want another horse. And finally one day, you will be at the barn with your new horse, and you will stop and think about Sebastian, and a huge smile will come across your face because you will remember all the sweet, special things about him that made him the Sebastian, the horse that you loved and would do anything for.

royal militron
Jul. 30, 2003, 05:16 PM
Lammie- there is nothing I can say that everyone else hasn't. You're posts brought tears to my eyes. What a horrible accident. Cyber hugs for you and hang in there. Time will heal your heart. And like everyone else said, get pictures of him and remember all the good times you had. Also know he's in a good place and he knows he was loved.

Jul. 30, 2003, 05:27 PM
Thank you Adelita for posting some photos for Lammie. What a cute pair and they looked like they were having fun in that thick grassy field. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif A happy memory for her. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/yes.gif

Jul. 30, 2003, 05:39 PM
Lammie- This post has almost brought me into tears. It must be awful. But with time, everything will return to be normal again. Definately plant that apple tree, everytime you see it, think of all the good times you and Sebastian had together.

Lots of hugs,

~Ocean Blue~
~Woodland's Gabriella~

Jul. 30, 2003, 05:48 PM
Lammie, I'm so sorry. Just a terrible accident, not fair, just an accident.

All the pain you are feeling is because you cared for Sebastian so much. A lovely tribute to Sebastian. The pictures are wonderful.

You have friends around you who want to take care of you, let them. Perhaps you are close to a horsey friend's mother, could you talk to them?

Take care, you have touched many here, myself included, who only wish they could reach out and help you through this.

Jul. 30, 2003, 05:49 PM

I am so sorry! When I was 14 my best show horse who I loved dearly coliced. My dad was in London on business and would not authorize the vet to do the surgery, and my horse got so bad, that 3 days later when my father returned, it was too late to even try the surgery and we put him down. You can PT me if you want to.

*In Your Dreams*
Jul. 30, 2003, 05:58 PM
What a beautiful horse. Remember the good times. Take time off from the barn if you need to, or go back. Only you know what feels right. So sorry for your loss.


Jul. 30, 2003, 05:59 PM
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I hope Sebastian is running free on the other side with all the others who have left us. You will get through this but it will take time. May your memories sustain you.

Roxy SM
Jul. 30, 2003, 06:24 PM
What a tragic accident! I am so sorry. Just this April we had to put my horse, Alaska, down because of a tumor in his head. I got to go to Cornell (he was at the equine hospital there) to say goodbye. It was really hard to leave because I knew that I would never see or ride him ever again. I have a new horse which I absolutely love, but I still think about Alaska everyday. The people at my barn were really helpful. My trainer had me skip school and come ride lots of horses and she would call me at night so we could talk.I just don't think he deserved it and I'm sure your horse didn't either. He was the sweetest, kindest, most forgiving horse. The first time I did the Low Junior Jumpers, I was half falling off (losing my stirrups, lying on his neck, flopping all over the place, etc) and he went around that course and ended up with only one rail. I chipped into this in and out and he jumped out over a 4'3" vertical clean after squeezing two strides in a 1 stride with me on his neck. He was just the best. Although I've moved on, I still get really upset sometimes when I think about him. I don't think that will ever go away.
You just have to remember that it was not your fault and that you did the right thing by ending his suffering.


Jul. 30, 2003, 06:28 PM
Oh, Lammie, how I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a great big hug. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif

You mentioned that Sebastian's boots are in your car. As strange as it sounds now, leave them there. When my beloved Beezer died, I carried around his halter in my car trunk for, yes, years. I just couldn't bear to touch it long enough to take it out. As the grief eased, I could bring myself to look at it -- and rub my fingers over the letters on his brass nameplate -- without that horrible rush of pain and let the happier memories come through. So it will be for you, too, and Sebastian's boots. I promise.

And I think the idea of an apple tree to honor him is a wonderful idea. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/sadsmile.gif

I truly believe that the hole the loss of a beloved horse leaves in our hearts is a tribute to them. It sounds like Sebastian has a wonderful tribute indeed in your heart.

***Dear Sam: OK, you win. Flying changes, flying schmanges. You are now officially a trail horse. Happy now??***

Jul. 30, 2003, 06:48 PM
My deepest sympathies ... I just laid my horse to rest @ the ripe young age of 19 after having her for 14 yrs back in November ... I know what it is like to need a friend right now, and even though we are complete strangers, I am opening myself to you ... Email anytime or if you need someone to actually speak to, just drop me an email and I'll email you back with my number ... Its nice to have friend, new or old.


To Remain Anonymous
Jul. 30, 2003, 06:50 PM
Totally got me teary eyed. I hate stories like that. I am so sorry for your loss. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif

Jul. 30, 2003, 06:50 PM
my thoughts are with you. mourning the loss of a family member is absolutely terrible. and explaining to non-horsey people what that gorgeous animal meant to you is near impossible, but each and every one of us at COTH understand at a level so deep.... well, it's just special.

keep all of his belongings. i have my first horse's leather bridle and nameplate hanging up in my entry. i think about him everytime i enter and leave the house.

with time lammie, with time...

Jul. 30, 2003, 07:16 PM
I am so sorry. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif I feel horrible, how traumatic. I can't even imagine...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
Love my boy...1999 17.1h, Dutch Warmblood (Rubinstein/Ladykiller/Vosmaer).

Jul. 30, 2003, 07:17 PM
Lammie, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

I've never lost a horse, but quite a few dogs and my parents. It is terribly hard to lose a loved one. Eventually, time will make it easier to remember all the wonderful times, tho you will still miss them.

For now, cry if it makes it easier. We horse lovers all understand.

Jul. 30, 2003, 07:17 PM
Oh Lammie I am so sorry for your loss. The pictures and your words show was a great horse Sebastian truly was, and how lucky he was to have you for a mom. You have been so brave, but this must be such a difficult time for you.

When ever I have had an animal die the hardest part was not having them physically there any more. It does get easier and eventually the tears will be fewer and will give way to the fond rememberance of all the good times you had together, and then at some point you'll be glad that you had an animal you loved so much.

I'm glad you shared your story and offer you my sincerest sympathies and hope that you feel better soon.http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif

Jul. 30, 2003, 07:28 PM
Well I am not going to say its geting any better. I went to the barn this morning and sat on his grave and cried for a long long time. My trainer came and talked to me but I wasnt really listening. I came home and slept for forever, I just couldnt stop thinking about it, but then I'd wake up and see his poor sweet face looking at me like, help me mom, and I remember wispering in his ear to play nice with the other ponies in heaven - I'm still very upset and right when I start to not think about it, someone calls me or I get a flashback of last night. I found out an hour ago that his leg was held on by 2 pieces of skin alone, even the tendons were severed. So ive been laying around all day - my wonderful boyfriend brought me tulips and teddy grams and a movie so that helped. I am working at the barn in the morning but unfortunatly my friend cant help me, so I am bringing my dog. Thank you all again for your support, it means so much.

Jul. 30, 2003, 07:49 PM
Lammie, it shouldn't be getting any better. what I find hard to explain to non-horsey people about losing a horse is that it's almost more tragic than a person, because these animals allow us to interact with them, they allow us to control their lives to a very great extent, and trust us completely to do the very best that we can for them, and it is that unconditional selflessness about horses that makes us love them so much. The only thing that I can say is that, from what you've said and the beautiful pictures, he was a very smart horse for picking you to love him. I am so very, very sorry.

BoR--resident Stupid Child

Willem FAN CLUB!

Jul. 30, 2003, 07:53 PM
I think the suggestion to plant an apple tree is wonderful! That can be a very healing thing for you, and a great way to always remember your horse.

Jul. 30, 2003, 08:16 PM

http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/sadsmile.gifI’m so very sorry for your loss. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you in these difficult days. I’m also sorry your Dad isn’t able to understand the depth of your loss. Keep in close contact with your Mom and anyone else who is able to understand and support you during these days.

There is such a depth of wisdom on this board, I won’t repeat most of it, but you’ll do well to make use of whatever seems most helpful to you in any given moment.

Please do take good care of yourself. Eat well, sleep well, and be with friends who offer support; swim, read, see a movie, or whatever non-horse related activities are appealing to you. Cry, scream, or just zone out, go to the barn and cry or talk or just sit and feel horrible. Let your friends surround you, and get the alone time you need.

Know that the pain will diminish over time and that you will begin to heal. Also know that a part of you will always feel this loss and that that’s OK. Those parts will make you a stronger person, a better friend and, when the time is right, an even more compassionate horse person/owner.

Please know I’m not just talking out of my hat, I’ve lost my parents, three children, four dogs and two horses.

Friedrich Nietzsche, 19th C., Existentialist Philosopher, said it best (though it’s most often remembered from the movie “Steel Magnolias”): “That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” This statement is true and will serve you well.

When you’re feeling a bit better, and if you are still asking the “Why” questions, you might want to read and reflect on (even if you don’t agree with all of it), When Bad Things Happen to Good People, Rabbi Harold Kushner.

I’ll give a way a bit of the ending—he concludes that it doesn’t matter why but what you do in your life in the wake of your pain that matters (and this man knew pain).

Many thoughts and prayers to you,
hounds http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/sadsmile.gif

Jul. 30, 2003, 08:25 PM
im sooo sooo sorry Lammie! i guess it must be part of the great experience of having horses, the fact that they are sooo wonderful, and it hurts so much when something happens to them. just remember what great times you had together, and how wonderful for him it was to have someone he knew and loved there with him in his final moments. i'm by no means an emotional person, but i cry when anything small happens to my horse, and just reading your post and everyone else's posts about their horses passing, has made me cry. anyone who says crying doesn't help is crazy. crying is the best release. I agree with Beezer, keep his boots in your car as a reminder of how wonderful he was. My deepest sympathies, and all my tears


[This message was edited by ckh on Jul. 30, 2003 at 11:56 PM.]

Jul. 30, 2003, 08:30 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss and send my deepest sympathies. There is an old saying, "...God does not give us more than we can bear..." Take each day as it comes, be kind to yourself and keep the memories of Sebastian close to your heart. He is in heaven smiling upon you. He wants you to be happy.

Jul. 30, 2003, 08:56 PM
Im VERY sorry to hear about your loss, my hearts with you at a time like this! Hang in their, everything happens fo a reason. Very sorry hun!

Jul. 30, 2003, 09:27 PM

So sorry for your loss. I know what it's like, I lost my beloved pinto a few years ago to founder...


Ladies and gentlemen, you might want to shield yourselves with your dessert menus, I might be dangerous!

Jul. 30, 2003, 09:29 PM
Lammie, I am so sorry, I am crying right now for your sad story. I will say a prayer for you and Sebastian, he is in Heaven right now waiting for you.

Poindexter, may he rest in peace.
Certified Thread Killer
www.melodicfarms.com (http://www.melodicfarms.com)

Jul. 31, 2003, 05:45 AM
I am soo sorry for your loss! http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif My thoughts and prayers are with you! http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif


~Jenna & Beethoven~

Jul. 31, 2003, 08:42 AM

Sebastian is with his Creator again. As tough and lonely as this is for you, know that Sebastian couldn't be happier. Pray to the Lord and ask Him for his comfort and strength. I assure you that He will listen and be there for you as no one else can. Remember Who Sebastian is with...

"Blessed be the God and Father
of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of mercies
and God of all comfort,
Who comforts us in all our tribulation,
that we may be able to comfort those
who are in trouble,
with the comfort with which
we ourselves are comforted by God."

2Corinthians 1:3-4

"The world needs Dreamers and the world needs Doers;
But above all, the world needs Dreamer's who Do."


Valkryie Warrior Woman-- Proud Member of the Thread Killers Clique!!!

Jul. 31, 2003, 11:03 AM
Well I went to the barn this morning to work - its getting a little easier. It took me twice as long to do everything today, I just couldnt go any faster - and every time I would pass Sebastian's halter hanging on the stall door I would have to stop and touch it - I didnt cry too much though - I think I am all teared out. I took my dog out and he was a comfort, he didnt leave my side once - I think I just needed something out at the barn that was mine and was dependent and loyal to me since the animal that previously filled that spot is now gone. People keep asking me to ride but I really dont want to, I dont even think I could. I dont know what to do with his bucket or his bridle, I dont want to move them because it will be like hes officially gone because all of his everyday stuff is gone. While I want to keep things where they are, I hate looking at them. His halter is hanging in the middle of the barn, his bucket and other things are sitting on my trunk - I just dont know what to do with them. The Vet came out today, the one who put him down, she had to see another horse, and she pissed me off because she talked to me like nothing ever happened. I dont know why, but it really peeved me - she wasnt even upset about it. I am just rambling now I guess - my mom is coming home tomorrow, not Sunday, so I will have her here with me soon. I asked the owners of the farm if I could possibly plant a tree for Sebastian and they said they didnt know -they are pretty anal people. But anyway, thanks for listening and for helping.

Jul. 31, 2003, 11:12 AM
truly sad to hear about your horse. What an awful way to lose a friend adn partner. BUt you know is happy where ever he is and you know that your horse would upset to see you sad. Mourn for the loss of your great horse but remember life is full of ups an downs and it will turn out all rite http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/sadsmile.gif http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/yes.gif


Jul. 31, 2003, 04:17 PM
Once again sorry. Today a horse from my stable died of colic. He was a great horse. I rode him on tuesday and he was perfectly fine, but died this morning. What an awful thing to experiance.

R.I.P tacks!

Jul. 31, 2003, 05:55 PM
I am SO sorry to hear of your loss. That is terrible for you to have had to experience. A barn friend of mine went through the same thing (her horse slipped on ice) - it was awful. I believe that Tufts Vet Hospital in MA has a toll-free pet loss hotline where you can call and talk about your feelings with a grief counselor. I can get the number if you'd like.

Please let us know if there is ANYTHING we on this BB can do, please. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Jul. 31, 2003, 08:29 PM
I'm so sorry Lammie http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif
After reading your story & Hexel's poem...I'm bawling. It is amazing how much these horses can effect & mean to your life. There have been too many losses this year... I share your pain. If we can help in any way, please ask.

"Crystal Acres"
Home of Major Fox, All Dressed Up, and Foxen the Pony Princess!

~In Loving Memory Crystal Acres Tribute In Light~
www.underthepinesfarm.com (http://www.underthepinesfarm.com)

Aug. 1, 2003, 07:55 AM
Well I worked agin this morning but thankfully my friend came out and helped me. Its been a rough week - I went out last night with my boyfriend to get my mind off things but I just ended up crying in the car and I went home early. Well I didnt go home, I went to my good friends house to cry to his mom because they ride and they know what its like. I felt like such an idiot, I just busted through their front door in tears and collapsed on thier couch and cried for like an hour.This morning wasnt mush better - I woke up and the ribbons I had won this weekend showing Sebastian had fallen off my wall and onto my floor. It was only those two, none others. It felt like a sign, but I dont know what it means. I turned the horses out today back into the pasture where Sebastian is buried and for a long time they stood in the grass right next to the dirt that he is under and just stared at it. They are all very sad, his pasture mate is now all alone and stands at the fence line looking into the barn, like maybe his buddy is just kept in a stall during the day. I still havent moved any of his stuff, and someone erased his name from the dry erase board in the feed room but I wrote it right back - how dare them. When its ready to be erased, I will do it. I still dish out his food out of habit but I cant do much with it so it just sits there until someone pours it back in the bag. This is really sucky - but my mom is coming home this afternoon and I want to see her but I dont want to cry anymore and I am sure I will when I see her. I just want to not be sad anymore but thaty wont happen unless he miracuously comes back to life. It makes me sad and sick to think of him being under that dirt, his body wasting away when it should be beautiful and playing in the pasture. Anyway, thats my update for right now, I will post later - thanks a lot.

Aug. 1, 2003, 08:49 AM
Don't be ashamed if you cry. I cried too when I read your messages.

Keep talking to us; we will try to help you through this terrible tragedy!

Aug. 1, 2003, 11:30 AM
I am so sorry...

someone here posted this for me when I too had suffered a great loss, and I keep it with me at all times...

"I was chosen today
I'm learing to fly
the world took me away,
but please don't you cry

And I chose you today
to try and be strong
so please dont you cry
and dont say that I'm gone

When you're feeling alone
just remember our love
I'm up near the stars
looking down from above

Remember our love
In a moment you'll see
That I'm still here beside you
when you're thinking of me."

Aug. 1, 2003, 11:33 AM
You are strong, Lammie, and will make it through this. Sebastian is up in horse heaven right now, running and eating to his heart's content. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif (And I'm sure Rainy and Willem and all the other COTH BBers' past beasties are right alongside him. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_smile.gif


"They can make me do it, but they can't make me do it with dignity." -Calvin and Hobbes

Member of the Tall People Clique

Rainy's Page (http://shakti.trincoll.edu/~kchurch/rainy.htm)
Photos! (http://community.webshots.com/user/outatime257)

Aug. 1, 2003, 05:26 PM
Lammie Dear, you need so many hugs. I am so glad your Mom is coming home tomorrow. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/sadsmile.gif

You are devastated about losing Sebastian. You loved him more than anyone else in this world. You had a special bond. It will take a long time before you will even feel close to normal. Please allow yourself to grieve. You have every right too. I am so sorry that you've had such trauma at a tender age.

That being said, I want to make a few comments that you brought up. The vet wasn't attached to Sebastian like you are. She has to deal with emergencies all the time and can't be emotional. You are so sensitive right now and will take everything personally. You are afraid to take his halter off the stall door and deal with his bucket and bridle. You are afraid of closure and I don't blame you Honey. HUGS. Whoever erased his name from the feedroom chart has closure; but you don't yet. MORE HUGS. If the owners of the property don't want you to plant a tree there, then plant one in your own yard. If you don't have a yard, make a plant arrangement or a flower garden in a container. Maybe use his bucket as the container! I just thought of that. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif Maybe hang his halter and bridle in your bedroom for a while. That way his things are close to you when you're alone. You can hug them if you need too and they smell like him.

I hope that I have helped you a little bit anyway. I'm sure your Mom can help comfort you the most. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/yes.gif http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/yes.gif http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/yes.gif

Best wishes.

Aug. 1, 2003, 09:00 PM
Lammie sweetie, I carried Lady's halter, lead rope, and cooler in my car for almost a YEAR after she died. It took me that long to cover up her name on my tack trunk...and longer still to move all the unnecessary "horse stuff" to my basement. I remember looking through everything and nearly crying at the thought that I wouldn't need to buy any more Tuff Stuff, Bute, fly spray, etc. How sad that was! http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

GOOD FOR YOU for writing his name back on that board! Right now I am sure you need all the little things to stay the same while you adjust to this gigantic loss. There is a stall in my barn that still bears the nameplate of a mare lost to cancer 4 years ago. Many other horses have been in that stall, but no one will take down that plate. It's a small, silent tribute to a horse we all adored. It's almost sacred.

I remember when another girl at my barn lost her horse to a bad colic one night. She went to the stall and started packing up all her things. A couple of us went over and stopped her, and told her she didn't need to worry about those things right away. Like her, you just need to give yourself some time.

It may sound silly, but after Lady died, I took the double-end snap off the gate chain of the field she lived in. I replaced it with another one. I just had to have that ONE, the half-broken one, that had held that gate shut for so many years, the one I had opened and closed every day for the two years I cared for Lady in her illness. It is a small, simple, seemingly insignificant thing...but it has such meaning. I let her in and out of that gate countless times. I had to have that snap. I keep it in my tack trunk now, sort of like a rememberance. It's a weird little thing, but grief does that to you. IT'S NORMAL.

So if Sebastian's name needs to stay on that board for a little while longer, keep it there. You don't owe anyone an explanation. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/sadsmile.gif

Hang in there, sweetie. We're all right here with you.

Aug. 2, 2003, 10:30 AM
Oh Lammie... http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif

Its not fair. I'm so, so sorry. I have never been through what youre going through, but since I consider my horses to be as much like my family as my human family, I can tell you that, after losing my father in march of this year, time is the only thing that makes it easier. Surround yourself with friends that understand, and dont be ashamed to cry for him. You'll know when you're ready to move on.

If the people that own the farm where hes been laid to rest do not allow you to plant a tree, which I am not sure I understand but I'm sure they do have a reason, plant one in the yard at your house, or sponsor the planting of one at a park you've been to before, and have a plaque put there in his memory.

The remembrance doesnt have to be right there where his body has come to rest. I am sure his spirit will be with you wherever you go.

Aug. 2, 2003, 10:50 AM
Lammie, I am so sorry for your loss and your grief. While I have never lost a horse, two months ago I lost my best friend in the world, my dog Ashley. I used to call her when I was away at college, and when I was gone she would sleep in my room like she used to when I was home. Losing her was the hardest thing in the world. Even now, two months later, it is so hard. My dad made some comment about the dog that was kind of insensitive the other night, forgetting how hard it has been for me, and I was a mess all over again. I guess these things just take time. Our precious animals are more than pets...they are family, they are friends, they are confidantes. Count yourself as blessed for having had such a special friend in your life. I know I do. (Now I'm crying all over again)

Hang in there...do whatever you need to...cry, scream, even laugh. Hug your mom, your boyfriend, your other friends. Don't be afraid to grieve or to feel the pain...it's kind of like climbing a steep mountain...the journey is difficult and often painful, but there's only one way to the top. If you ever need to talk, instant message, pt, or email me. We are all here for you.


*Formerly known as LeapOfFaith*

Aug. 2, 2003, 10:18 PM
I remember soaring, flying
Near defying gravity
As all the dreams I’d ever known
Took shape and life in you and me

Inconsequential faith, a poem
Two souls merging, speaking rhymes
And I recall our finest hours,
Lived a hundred thousand times

I remember floating, dancing,
Higher than I’d ever been
Six legs, one mind, twelve jumps, one goal
A game I couldn’t help but win.

A blur of color flashing by
All eyes are watching me and you
And as the clock ceases to tick
All colors melt to shades of blue

I watched the world from sunkissed perch
So safe, so high above it all
Impervious to darker times
And feeling only love’s sweet lull

And even coming down was sweet
For I always knew upon descent
That time would surely hold its breath
Till I could take my throne again.

And once again with you I’d soar
Exploring a world all our own
With each new day discovering
A beauty I had never known

But no such flight can be eternal
Cruel time severs wings of youth
And now is only memory
What once was life’s most perfect truth.

Body grounded, dreams adrift
Like airborne dandelion seeds
Scattered, lost in space and time
To land wherever harsh fate leads.

Blue dissolved to shades of grey
Devoid of something so devine
That flight of wind itself cannot
Compare to what was yours and mine.

But just as no flight lasts forever,
Lack there of must surely end
And that which time has torn apart
Perhaps still further time will mend

Thus life marches on, dear friend,
But my heart shall forever more
Await the day, on angels wings,
When you and I again will soar.

Thinking of you through this horrible time... I've been there, and I wish there was something I could say to make this easier. But I think the poem says it all. Hang in there. http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/sadsmile.gif

Aug. 2, 2003, 10:48 PM
I am so sorry!!!

Hang in there, it can only but get better. Take it slow. There is no emotional schedule. Just go with your gut. Keeping busy usually helps, but if slobbing out on the couch with a tub of Ben & Jerrys will help allow yourself a day off to blob out. It's ok!!

It will get better!!


Finnegans Wake
Irish Sport Horse x Hanoverian

Aug. 2, 2003, 10:57 PM
Dear Lammie,
You are going through a great deal and only you know what it's like because Sebastian, I'm sure, was unique. I think the best we can do is to listen to your thoughts and lend you a cyber-shoulder for when you need support. We're all here for you. I wish I didn't live so far away...I would drive there and give you a big hug. What I am sure of is that Sebastian would love you to take care of his buddies: I would want nothing else than someone as loving as you to take care of my best friends if I were gone. You love Sebastian and, obviously, love horses...that love will help you through all this.
My heart is with you.

Aug. 3, 2003, 12:18 PM
Luckily I am starting to feel better - ok, maybe not better, but I am able now to think of other things besides Sebastian and his death all the time. It still makes me sad to go out to the barn but its good for me, in fact, I am forcing myself to ride today. I dont really want to but I think it will help to just walk around where I used to ride Sebastian, maybe if I close my eyes I will feel like I am riding him again. I hung the cooler that I layed over him out to dry today - I only touched it or even moved it because it was in my trunk and mildewing. I refuse to wash it though - eventhough it is covered in sand and muck and some blood. I also have 2 trashbags full of horse laundry, but I dont want to wash those either. I dont even want to touch them because the saddle pads have his hair on them and I dont want his hair to leave - isnt that dumb. Thats also why I wont touch his bridle cause I was lazy and didnt rinse his bit off so it has his dried grassy slobber on it and I dont want to wash it away because its things like that that you can never get back. I am getting sad now, I just feel like I lost this huge part of me and I miss it. The only up side to this, I guess, would be that he was for sale and maybe this happened because he was going to be bought by some mean ignorant psyhco who would have hit him, or ridden his legs off, or not fed him.. I dont know, just trying to make myself feel better. But if he had been sold to someone far away he would have been gone and I would have never seen him again - so I try to tell myself that hes just been sold, but the memories of his head on my lap, and the still wet clothes I wore that are still laying on my floor, and the vetwrap that was on his leg that is now in my trunk - those serve as constant reminders of what I saw and what happened to him. i am trying to find the double ended snap that he broke when he ran into the gate, but I think my trainer (or whoever also erased his name from the board) threw it away. Well, I am off to the barn now, I will post later http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/sigh.gif

Aug. 3, 2003, 05:34 PM
<BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lammie:
I also have 2 trashbags full of horse laundry, but I dont want to wash those either. I dont even want to touch them because the saddle pads have his hair on them and I dont want his hair to leave - isnt that dumb. Thats also why I wont touch his bridle cause I was lazy and didnt rinse his bit off so it has his dried grassy slobber on it and I dont want to wash it away because its things like that that you can never get back. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

NO, Lammie, that's NOT dumb at all! I remember having those same exact feelings. In fact, I never washed Lady's halter fuzzies for those very same reasons. Her halter, lead rope, fly mask, hoof pick, and favorite brush are in a bag in my closet, and I have not touched them since she died. I haven't washed her cooler, either, because that is what I covered her with when she died. I will never use it, or any of the other items I mentioned, on another horse. The hair and dirt are still there, and I intend to keep it that way.

Here's what you do: Pick a few things, whatever they are, and save them. Then clean the rest.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You're doing a good job. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_wink.gif

Aug. 3, 2003, 05:57 PM
Oh no, I feel so, so bad for you. I went through a similar situation with my large pony in 1998. I went to go jogging with a friend in the morning after feeding and she was fine and dandy, and then 2 hours later I returned home and she was severely colicking and kept going down. She even went down in the aisle while I was on the phone to the vet. A few hours later we were on the way to NC State vet school. The next day she passed away on her own, with the vets stumped as to what was killing her. They even volunteered to do an autopsy because they were so anxious to find out what it was. They found NOTHING. Even though it happened slower than yours, my heartbreak was devistating. I had owned her since I was 10 and was then 20, and had won hundreds of ribbons with her. She was literally my best friend since I was an only child. I did talk about it A LOT, and watched video after video of her. This helped me come to terms with the situation and made it so that I could talk about it without tearing up. Then the weirdest thing happened. I was laying in bed about 4 days after her death, and broke out bawling histerically. About 3 minutes later, all of a sudden I felt 1000000 times better, and felt as if (this sounds corny) her spirit had visited me and told me not to be upset, that she was ok now. I literally have not cried about it since. My good friend had the same thing happen to her after they had to put her 30 yo pony down due to severe heaves. Maybe he will make a visit to you too. Unfortunately I was so traumatized by her death that I have been unable to form a close attachment to another animal or person since, even though I've tried. http://chronicleforums.com/groupee_common/emoticons/icon_frown.gif

Take care, make sure you talk about it a lot, and remember the great times you had with him. Then go out and do things you know he would be proud of - he wouldn't want you to stop living because he did. Even though you don't know me, feel free to email me if you need to just talk about it. I can certainly relate. &lt;hug&gt;

A/O Jumper
Aug. 3, 2003, 08:27 PM
That is such a horrible thing to go through...no one should have to go through that kind of pain. I am very sorry for your lose.

As for the pain you are going through and the resentment you are feeling about going out to the barn and to the pasture....it will heal and go away. I know it doesn't seem like that now, but time will heal.

I lost a horse myself....i didn;t have the experience quite like yours, but I did have to make the decision to put him down, but I did not see him once he was out down. I was at the mall shopping when I got my phone call. Afterwards, I didn't want to go out to the barn, go to his stall or anything. I cried all the time...even the tiniest little things would set me off.

My parents were there for me and supported me through the whole thing. My dad even called my trainer the next day with my knowledge to start searching for a new one so I could get back on my feet again. About three months later i found a new horse...one that I love more than anything. I have had him for seven years now and I know that I would have never found him if my other horse hadn't died. Don't get me wrong...I still miss my old horse and love him so much, but I have learned over and over again that everything happens for a reason.

My heart goes out to you. You have been through a traumatic experience. Your story brought tears to my eyes, so I know that you must be destroyed. I would say to wait about a week before you go out to the barn or until the initial shock is over. But don't be afraid to go out there and don't be afraid to ride another horse...it will help you get through this. Keep us updated on how you are doing.

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

Aug. 3, 2003, 11:17 PM
So sorry to hear that Lammie. We all have pets that mean the world to us and for some people who don't have pets or are not fond of pets it's something they don't and will never understand. The bond all of us have between our horses' is something that cannot be easily explained. Our horses are mercanaries from heaven sent down to help us reach our heavenly dreams and Sebastian was your mercanary and he is still with you in spirit wanting and waiting for you to reach your dream whatever it may be! Heads Up!

Aug. 4, 2003, 11:29 AM
Lammie, as all have said before, let yourself grieve all you want. Do not feel odd or ashamed EVER. Grief for a loved being is okay! Give yourself time. So hard to lose a loved one but in time, you will recall all the pleasure you two had together and feel lucky that you had that time!

From Mudsville, USA

Aug. 4, 2003, 07:23 PM
My sincerest sympathy. All of us on the board know how you feel. This past year I lost my dog of 15 years and got an unexpected call from my barn that my 15 year old horse (who I had owned for 7 years and was my first horse) was down with colic. They told me she had 15 minutes to live and I was 40 minutes away. So I gave the vet permission to put her down and didn't get to say good bye in person. Although it was very painful for you, know that your beloved horse was lucky to have you holding him and loving him at the end. Take all the time to grieve you need. We all understand. A woman at the barn told me that there will be another horse out there who badly needs to be loved and cared for. She was right. Three months later I found a new horse to love. I hope someday you will find one too. You will never forget Sebastion and all the wonderful memories. And he will be happy if you have another horse to love also. He will want you to ride again as that way you will honor him by doing all the things he taught you. It will give his life meaning.

"The older I get the harder the ground hits."

Aug. 5, 2003, 07:09 AM
Sorry to hear this, I hope you are OK. I know in time the hurt will lessen. I suffered a similar accident - I had just retired by show hunter at the young age of 18 - five days after I got a call from the farm where he was and they told me that my horse has a bone chip in this right knee and I asked them what the vet said and they told me that they have not called the vet yet. So I drove to the barn and to my absolute horror - here was my best friend standing in the back of his stall on three legs, his right leg was so swollen that he could not stand let alone walk to me. I screamed in anger. Once the vet did get in the see him there was nothing that could be done - he had fractured his right cannon bone in three places and the only humane thing was to put him down. The day before I went to see him and he seemed to be his old self but that was only becauase of the extreme meds he was on. So after 10 years together it was over in a matter of minutes. So I can say they hurt heals but the pain does not. It is ok to be angry, it is Ok to be sad - grieve because your horse would not want to see you sad.

Take care!


Aug. 5, 2003, 09:07 AM
I am so sorry, what a horrible experience to go through. My first horse colicked badly and had to be put down after it was determined that surgery would not do any good. I was only twelve at the time and I was devastated. For two weeks I could barely function. I put all the pictures I had of him in a notebook and stared at him, crying my eyes out, for hours a day. Even now, many, many years later, I still feel intense sorrow when I think of the last time I saw my horse, dull coated and bloated and nose practically on the ground. It does get easier, but the pain never goes away completely.

Aug. 5, 2003, 09:27 AM
I lost my big hunt horse last august, he was the only horse I ever had that was never going to be for sale, mine forever. Even after years on the racetrack and in the vet clinic, I was not prepared for the devastating pain in my heart. After a year, I found "junior", a big loveable 4 year old draft cross, who, while nothing like "The Big Horse", stole my heart. I hadn't realized how much until last thursday at 3.am. we had a violent thunderstorm with killer lightning. It wasn't even supposed to rain, so my boy was out in his pasture. By the time I got out there, the rain was blinding, the lightning was so close I could see the dirt and rocks spark as it hit the ground near us. He was terrified, it was pitch black, pouring rain, and slippery grass straight uphill. He came with me, shaking at every lightning strike, but didn't spook or step on me,and followed me into the pitch dark barn to his stall. Stood next to me with his head bowed around me until the worst had passed. All I could think of was I couldn't lose him, not after losing my best friend. Our capacity to hurt in only exceeded by our willingness and capacity to love. Your horse was well loved by you while he was here, and some other devil will leave his hoofprints on your heart as well. Just don't rush and give yourself time to get over it. I cried for two months as the smallest things, and the day after the thunderstorm, finally through away the old broken halter my horse had worn on the last day of his life. It was time to give my "new love" a change to be my best friend. Cry often if you need to, everyone who has loved and lost will understand completely.jc

Aug. 5, 2003, 01:26 PM
How are ya doing Lammie?

Aug. 5, 2003, 03:54 PM
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am thinking of you.



Aug. 6, 2003, 08:04 PM
YEsterday was a week since he died and for some reason, I am doing ok. I feel terrible, but I feel almost back to normal. I miss him terribly and it is still hard to look at anything of his - the saddle pads, polos, etc arent washed and his bridle is covered in mold but I can't touch it. I rode his brother on Sunday and it was a tough thing to do but I made myself get on. It made me sad because I missed Sebastian. I miss the little things like how everyday without fail he would pick up the trashcan and dump it over since I would just leave him standing in the aisle, or how he'd prick his little ears up when I wistled and then how when he died, his ears were still pricked forward. I am engulfed in sadness, but I am fortuatly now able to make myself think of other things. But this past week has been hard. I didnt have any of his tail to keep when he died but as I was feeding I found some chestnut tail stuck in a board and because he was the only chestnut on the farm, I knew it was his. I grabbed as much as I could and wrapped it in the vet-wrap that his leg was wrapped with when he died, the vet-wrap I found next to his grave. I also found the snap he broke - it was broken straight through the middle, right between the double snaps. I keep looking for shoes laying around, but none of them match his size. I got a letter from his insurance people today and I have to provide proof of purchase and proof that he died and it was hard filling it out -I couldnt finish it so I am getting my trainer to help me. I am going to the beach tomorrow so I hope it will help. Of course then I have to go to a a show and help this girl who I will also be babysitting for nest weekend -oh yay, a show I was going to ride in - what fun for me. Anyway, I think that covers whats been going on with me these last few days. I dont think I can plant a tree at the farm because they are anal mean people and we dont have room in our yard. I am going to college in 3 weeks and I feel like I will be leaving him and forgetting him and not even leaving something as small as a tree behind in his memory, so when the grass grows back, no one will have known he ws there and he died there - I wish it wasnt the case and I dont know what to do, I just feel guilty http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/no.gif

Aug. 6, 2003, 08:23 PM
Glad to hear from you and that you are doing better. Good for you that you got on another horse! Sebastian would be happy about that. Remember what I said about giving his life meaning by using what he taught you. I'm also glad you found some of his tail. To be honest, I have a tooth from my first pony and learned to save a locket of hair after that experience. So I have a lock of my horse's mane from the first day I owned her 7 years ago and when I bought my new guy I also immediately cut a lock of mane. I am thinking of doing a shadow box to save all of the things from my deceased mare. Perhaps, you could do that for Sebastian also. Take all the things you have of his (including any pictures) and make a nice shadow box. You could take it to college and always have it with you. If not a shadow box, at least make a picture album to take with you. Best of luck in college!

"The older I get the harder the ground hits."

Aug. 7, 2003, 11:29 AM
Lammie I am very sorry about your horse. Very sad! I also live is SC. Is the show your going to be babysitting at Carolina Starz show? Hope things get better! http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/cry.gif

Heather Ann

Aug. 7, 2003, 07:38 PM
Just know we all care for you or else we would not be sending these messages. The hurt will always be with you forever but trust me it will get less with time. It just takes time- your time and no ones elses time. Take care!!!

Aug. 7, 2003, 09:18 PM

I’ve kept you in my prayers and feel so badly for you.

I posted earlier, but I want to add that ritual is important during any life transition. That’s why people have funerals and weddings, baptisms and Bar Mitzvahs.

Have you done anything to ritualize Sebastian’s death? Perhaps you could gather his friends, equine and human, around his grave and tell Sebastian stories? Someone could read something meaningful (perhaps from Chicken Soup for the Horse Lover’s Soul or some other volume?). Or you could hold a celebrate Sebastian’s life party with friends?
Or something else that’s meaningful for you?

In the spring you can plant the tree, if you really want to. Or you could do it over a fall holiday.

And/or consider a grave marker, you might have to save for it and shop for a great deal, but headstone makers do make mistakes on human grave stones. You might be able to get one your trainers approves for the pasture that’s flawed in some way that makes it unacceptable for a human client but affordable for you.

When a boy in my Senior High Youth Group committed suicide, the group purchased a tree and a plaque for the Habitat for Humanity site in Cairo, IL, where they had all donated their time the previous summer building homes for the poor. The following summer we had a lovely ceremony, planted the tree, installed the plaque and told stories about the boy on the first day of our work trip.

It was all the kid’s idea and even today, 15 years later, they mention that ritual in their Christmas cards to one another.

Just some thoughts from my experience:

hope they help,