depressed and trying to remind myself I love horses

[europa]

So 2009 ended with having to put one of my beloved mares down after a serious inury and then an onset of a terrible colic at age 24. That was horrible enough but I just found out that my baby child has a fractured greater trocanter. Sometimes you just need to cry.....the weather is not helping with my depression. I am soo in love with my baby that I am going to go back and hopefully rebreed the same cross again. I am just trying to get myself back in the game after taking a horrible blow to the chin. My vet seems to think that she will be fine as a broodmare which is what she is supposed to be but I also planned on taking her around the circuit. I just feel soo sad about everything and I can't take anything ELSE at the moment. You guys are always soo good at making me feel better even if it is to put pen to paper and speak about it.

[Jane Honda]

This too shall pass. I have had the most horrible year for 2009. I got through just telling myself that in a month or so, what was stressing me out beyond belief would pass, or a solution would be found.

Hang in there, and lots of good thoughts are going your way.

[Home Again Farm]

I am so very sorry, Europa. Some years can be just terrible. My horrid year was 2005 when I lost a beautiful mare to a twisted colon 20 horses after she foaled and then a month later lost a lovely 3 week old filly from my other mare. I was ready to throw in the towel and never breed again, but already had a mare that was bred back. This bulletin board's kindness and support, along with the kindness and support of close friends, my hubby, my son and my vet kept me going. Sending hugs and understanding for where you are right now.

[Wayside]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It can take a long time, but eventually you'll find yourself remembering the good times with a smile, and it won't hurt so much. :sadsmile:

Hopefully your younger mare will heal and become a great broodmare, and give you foals to look forward to. Not the same, but they are sure good at putting a smile on your face.

[NancyM]

$hit happens when you own horses, and breeding them exposes them to high risk activities that sometimes can not be avoided. With a serious injury to an old mare, the risk of subsequent related injuries and problems is always there, sometimes they will happen sometimes they won't. Don't be surprised when they do happen and you have to deal with it. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose and the horse dies or has a long term problem that is going to be deletarious to their future. But if you are flexable and resiliant, you can deal with these things, and still enjoy owning your horses. And breeding your horses. Sometimes you think you are producing a performance champion, but it turns out you are producing a broodmare prospect, and count yourself lucky to have that from what happened.

Try to remove yourself from the emotion that threatens to overwhelm us all at times. Think in terms of risk and percentages. Of failure and success, and know that these things will balance themselves out over time. And that all things (both horses and people) come to an end eventually, and sometimes we have no control over these things.

Good luck.

[GGStables]

Yup, what Nancy & Jane Honda said. We can all relate in some way or another. It will pass, and it's very tough to remove the emotion - haven't quite mastered that part myself - so I just breathe, and stay the course.

Please, go to my website and read the "About Us" page. See the last few paragraphs. That's why you love horses.:)

Hang in there,

Linda
GreenGate Stables
http://ggstables.webs.com/

[YankeeLawyer]

$hit happens when you own horses, and breeding them exposes them to high risk activities that sometimes can not be avoided. With a serious injury to an old mare, the risk of subsequent related injuries and problems is always there, sometimes they will happen sometimes they won't. Don't be surprised when they do happen and you have to deal with it. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose and the horse dies or has a long term problem that is going to be deletarious to their future. But if you are flexable and resiliant, you can deal with these things, and still enjoy owning your horses. And breeding your horses. Sometimes you think you are producing a performance champion, but it turns out you are producing a broodmare prospect, and count yourself lucky to have that from what happened.

Try to remove yourself from the emotion that threatens to overwhelm us all at times. Think in terms of risk and percentages. Of failure and success, and know that these things will balance themselves out over time. And that all things (both horses and people) come to an end eventually, and sometimes we have no control over these things.

Good luck.

Respectfully, I think I will stick to having a bit more emotion. If I wanted a hobby without heart I would race motorcycles.

Hugs to the OP.

[Edgar]

It is always hard when we lose a friend and always happens unless we sell them young enough which is also hard but keep your head high 2010 is going to be grrrrrrrrrebetter..... I feel it.

[Edgewood]

Hugs to you Europa:no:. Life with horses can be really hard at times, ask me how I know:sadsmile:. I lost my very best mare 3 years ago tomorrow (Jan 7th), she was only 4 1/2 years old. Last year I had a mare abort at term with a terrible dystocia, lost the colt and almost the mare. I wanted to completely quit after that, feeling like I was jinxed.

Tragic events happen and make you want to quit (initially), but the love of the horse always brings you back.:)

[hansiska]

Life with horses can be rough, but it seems breeding them can be even tougher. Breeders see horses through so many risky times in their lives.

In 2006 the last foal I bred had a torsion colic and died at 5 months old. It really threw me. I had only halfheartedly tried to breed my mare back because she'd almost died of infection (due to a retained placenta) after foaling him. The next spring I tried hard to breed her back but she had a persistent yeast infection. Can't tell you how many times I lavaged her. It was futile. The following year, she died.

So now, four years later, I'm ready to get back at it. I hope to breed two mares this spring. It takes a while, but the pain you feel now will subside. The part of you that loves horses WILL win.

[Kareen]

Poor you. We too had an awful 2009 with more downs than ups and more than a fair share of grief. But these times shall pass and the new year has a notion of renewing (sp?) so let's try to think positive. It'll go up in 2010 for sure!!
Interestingly I know sooo many people who had a horrible 2009 it must be something wrong with the year. People lost their jobs, fell sick, lost good friends, lost beloved horses left right and center. There's no way one can go through such times without feeling depressed sooner or later. The good news is: Days are already on the upswing so we'll have more light shortly that'll help. Plus the benefit of being really down is that any improvement will mean a big step forward again right?

Keep a stiff upper lip!! You'll go through it and be even stronger once this is over!

[europa]

Thanks guys....I am just thankful that my baby will hopefully be a great broodie!!! She was conceived the day my Mother passed away and she is my forever girl. In fact I just put an E in front of my Mom's name for her. I adore her to pieces.

I remember Edgewood about Ghylcerine (sp).......I cried when I read about her. In fact there are soo many times I read stories from all of you and get choked up.

And lastly, thanks Edgar for being soo easy to deal with. I will be breeding to Escudo II again this spring. I am thinking about breeding 2 or 3 this spring. Hopefully all of us will have a great spring.

[DownYonder]

Yeah, we just had a thread about how awful 2009 was for a lot of people, with losses of beloved humans, equines, canines, etc. Sorry to the OP that your 2009 was also not so good and wishing you a much better 2010.

[Equilibrium]

Europa,

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I think all of us have been through something similar in the breeding game.

In 2008 after I lost my 2nd foal in 2 breeding seasons (the first one killed herself while playing and running into a gate), I thought no way can I do this anymore. I had a foal born 3 days after Daphne died and I could have cared less. It was a horrible feeling. Now that foal is a lovely just turned 2yo TB colt. He will be gelded but his manners are amazing. I am very thankful and he is some of the reason why I keep going.

Terri

[mtngirl]

Hugs and condolences. I lost my 10 month old filly to colic New Years Day. She was the second baby I've tried to raise...but I have lost both to colic. Vets assure me there is nothing lacking in my care, but I still wonder. I'm not sure I'm brave enough to try again. But then, perhaps it's simply to soon to rationally think about it.

Unlike some, I have not learned how to distance myself and understand only too well the need to cry and grieve. I'm still cryng...I'll share the tears with you. I'm told it's part of the healing process, but right now...it sure doesn't feel that way. :no:

[Edgewood]

But then, perhaps it's simply to soon to rationally think about it.

Unlike some, I have not learned how to distance myself and understand only too well the need to cry and grieve. I'm still cryng...I'll share the tears with you. I'm told it's part of the healing process, but right now...it sure doesn't feel that way. :no:

Mtngirl, I am so sorry for your loss:sadsmile::sadsmile::sadsmile:. Colic was how I lost my mare Ghlycerine 3 years ago today. You are still so close to the event that surely it is time to cry and you cannot be rationale about it. I know that I was distressed and sad when I lost my mare for at least 8 months. If anyone would ask me about her, I would choke up and cry. So give yourself time, you will eventually heal, but not yet, it is still too soon.

Hugs to both mtngirl and europa.

[NancyM]

Respectfully, I think I will stick to having a bit more emotion. If I wanted a hobby without heart I would race motorcycles.

Hugs to the OP.

I think that you may have misunderstood my post. It is not that the emotion is not there with a loss, it is, just as with a victory. By explaining to yourself about the inherent risks and dangers and realities in life, knowing that these things are present and unavoidable sometimes, that they happen to you and those around you that you care for and without regard to your emotions helps to cushion the blows. One battles the negative emotion, the constant crying, with rationalization, with thinking about the victories that you HAVE made rather than dwelling totally on the losses to the point that becomes completely unmanagable and directs your life. A victory is saving a horse or foal that was teetering on the brink, that vets have given up on. A victory is extending a life past what others thought was possible. A victory is raising a good foal, training and riding a good horse, or selling a nice one to a good home with an appreciative new owner. Some crying is healthy and necessary, feeling of loss is inevitable, if you care about the individuals that the tragedy has happened to, but to let it consume you entirely, direct your life and effect your decisions indefinately, is a pity IMO. Man, I STILL shed a tear about a few very special horses that I have had the unbelievable luck to have been associated with, and some have been gone from this world for decades. But I don't let it ruin my life or deter me from owning other horses or breeding other horses, I feel fortunate to have had the opportunity to spend time with them, and benefit from what they taught me about horses, and life in general, and apply experience that daily.

If you do not find a way to manage the negative emotions when loss occurs, a way to get over it (time helps), you will no longer be able to own horses, or pets of any kind. And losses within your own human family will also be insurmountable, devastating, and probably not what the departed member would have wanted for you. Learn to manage negative emotions, or else be ruled by them.

My post and my intent had nothing to do with not having emotion or heart at all.

[YankeeLawyer]

I think that you may have misunderstood my post. It is not that the emotion is not there with a loss, it is, just as with a victory. By explaining to yourself about the inherent risks and dangers and realities in life, knowing that these things are present and unavoidable sometimes, that they happen to you and those around you that you care for and without regard to your emotions helps to cushion the blows. One battles the negative emotion, the constant crying, with rationalization, with thinking about the victories that you HAVE made rather than dwelling totally on the losses to the point that becomes completely unmanagable and directs your life. A victory is saving a horse or foal that was teetering on the brink, that vets have given up on. A victory is extending a life past what others thought was possible. A victory is raising a good foal, training and riding a good horse, or selling a nice one to a good home with an appreciative new owner. Some crying is healthy and necessary, feeling of loss is inevitable, if you care about the individuals that the tragedy has happened to, but to let it consume you entirely, direct your life and effect your decisions indefinately, is a pity IMO. Man, I STILL shed a tear about a few very special horses that I have had the unbelievable luck to have been associated with, and some have been gone from this world for decades. But I don't let it ruin my life or deter me from owning other horses or breeding other horses, I feel fortunate to have had the opportunity to spend time with them, and benefit from what they taught me about horses, and life in general, and apply experience that daily.

If you do not find a way to manage the negative emotions when loss occurs, a way to get over it (time helps), you will no longer be able to own horses, or pets of any kind. And losses within your own human family will also be insurmountable, devastating, and probably not what the departed member would have wanted for you. Learn to manage negative emotions, or else be ruled by them.

My post and my intent had nothing to do with not having emotion or heart at all.


Okay, I agree with that. Thank you for clarifying.

[Foxdale Farm]

So very sorry for your loss and your disappointment. Everyone's stories and encouragements are bringing tears to my eyes. What is it about these magnificent creatures that keeps us hopelessly attached even in spite of all these terrible difficulties? Everytime I want to give up (which can be fairly often), I go stand in Gatsby's stall, look at him, kiss his nose, and marvel that he is mine. How did that happen??? Then I just keep on going.

In 2008 we lost a baby o/o my #1 favorite mare after 6 days of an entire team of friends staying up with him and us 24/7 attempting to help him fight for his life. He was such a fighter and so incredibly sweet, that when he finally passed away it was absolutely devastating for all of us. I wanted to throw in the towel, but one of my friends, who had helped us with him during that week, encouraged me to try again. So I rebred the mare, and what came out in 2009 blew us all away. He is gorgeous, sweet, scored REALLY high at his BWP inspection, and now belongs to a mother/daughter eventing team who are head over heels in love with him. It makes me happy to know that he will bring them a lot of happiness (and hopefully competitive success) for years to come!

So I have to admit that this thread is bringing up a bunch of old emotions, but it's also kind of cathartic to share this stuff with people who totally understand instead of my non-horsey friends who will just, well, NEVER get it! I realize this is long, but here is the announcement I sent out to let everyone know what had happened:

Saying “good-bye” to Intuition (April 22 – April 28, 2008)…

His future registered name would have been Intuition, but we nicknamed him Rocky because he fought for his life. He put up a very good fight. He was the only foal we were expecting this year and as such, we expected great things of him. Rocky was Scooter’s 2nd foal, and based on the amazing quality and personality of her first colt, Hansel (a.k.a. “Hans”), we believed that Intuition would easily follow suit. In many ways, he did just that, although he did it in ways we never expected during the long, 11 month wait for his much anticipated arrival. He suffered through the myriad effects of Neo-Natal Maladjustment Syndrome, stemming from a lack of oxygen during the last several weeks of gestation (all the reasons why remain somewhat of a mystery), but when he was awake and alert he put every bit of strength he had into getting up on his own, nursing on his own, and stumbling up to his many nursemaids to say “hello.” Rocky never once displayed an ounce of mistrust or fear. He suffered the indignities of his illness with grace and the characteristic sweet demeanor of a Gatsby foal. He finally succumbed to his condition on Monday, April 28, 2008. In the end, we knew that during his short life there were many lessons learned and a whole lot of love given and received. He certainly knew the meaning of hugs & kisses from people and we are grateful that we had an opportunity to get to know him during the brief but precious time we had with him. Although Rocky’s purpose in coming to us may not have been to strive for success as a showhorse, he came to us for many beautiful reasons we will always treasure.


Keep your head up! It can be so hard and sad but it can and WILL get better....

www.foxdalefarm.us