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reluctantalter
Nov. 26, 2009, 12:08 PM
So I found an email from my husband (he had asked me to get some info for him, he's working out of town) that piqued some suspicion. Boy did I open Pandora's box. It was an email from a co-worker, and after reading it, I had to read all to/from this woman. Many emails (she works a traveling job, too), many signed "miss and love", "missing you", "can't wait to see you", etc. Content talks about back rubs, a planned trip together, eating dinners out, etc.

I confronted my husband with this info, and he said it was NOT an affair, that she was a co-worker and friend. When I read some of the more choice letters, he downshifted to being sorry, because it was an "inappropriate relationship" and he was so sorry, etc. He wanted to wait to discuss this in detail when he returned from his trip in January.

Well, I didn't buy that, and got out the computer, our cell phone records, etc. and started to dig. Turns out he's known this girl at least 3 years, and has called her when she's out of the country, etc.

I also found another number, called 55 times in the last 6 months. Calls were all at night, up to 45 minutes. All these calls are made on nights I was working. A reverse look-up revealed this was a SECOND woman.

I emailed him with that info--and got a one line response: I'm on my way home, be there Friday.

To me, that response speaks volumes to me as well.

My husband is 39, both these girls are in their late 20s.

I don't know what to think--devastation? anger? hurt? what next? We have a 3yo son together.

I don't know what I'm looking for--advice, help, thoughts-any words to help me try to make sense of my apparently now defunct marriage.

Thanks!

Polydor
Nov. 26, 2009, 12:11 PM
*big hugs*

P.

JanM
Nov. 26, 2009, 12:17 PM
You have to decide what works for you and your child. But first get to a gyn for tests for everything since the most important thing is your health.

Sport
Nov. 26, 2009, 12:21 PM
First off, hugs to you and I can't believe the shock you must be in.

Second, take time to figure out what you want, unfortunately when there are 2 women, I think he will have a hard time justifying it. If you decide to work on you relationship, insist on councelling.

Kat the Horse
Nov. 26, 2009, 01:08 PM
Sounds to me like your hubby is a 'thrill' cheater. It's hard to compete with endorphins...and it has nothing to do with you.

Keep your head, and lean on your friends. That is the 'cure'.

(((hugs)))

tle
Nov. 26, 2009, 01:12 PM
Big hugs. As others have said, take some time to digest it mostly in terms of what YOU want to happen. What's done is done. You have to decide what is best for you and your son. HE (hubby) doesn't get to choose, IMHO. You're in this together. Sure he can tell you what he is missing that he decided to pursue in other women instead of you, but you get to decide if you want to try and work within that area or not. HE screwed up. He could have done a million different other things... the most effective and choice would have been to COMMUNICATE with you... but he didn't. He made a choice. Now he has to live with whatever YOU choose. I'm not saying automatically jump to divorce or even separation. I'm saying that you get to decide that. Whatever you decide, you and he will HAVE to have some serious, blunt and honest communication... either by yourselves or via a therapist. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

enjoytheride
Nov. 26, 2009, 01:14 PM
I think the fact that he is coming home speaks volumes of his attidude.

It's possible he got caught up with a woman that was very emotional and flirtatious and uses sweetie, honey, and babe as a friendship moniker and not as a relationship moniker.

It sounds like the two of you spend a lot of time seperated and that you are very suspicious. I wonder if there have been any problems going on between the two of you? How is the rest of your relationship? How does he feel about your relationship?

It is possible that he is cheating, it's also possible that he has struggled to remain faithful but is. He might make friends with women easier, need someone to talk to while you are away, or just have a different opinion. Or he could be cheating. It's really hard to tell.

I think you need to keep an open mind and avoid being accusatory, listen to what he says and ask him to be truthful. If he has been faithful what both of you do at this point is very critical. It's ok for him to have female friends, it's not ok for you to be untrusting (which can make him resentful if he has been faithful), but the communication has to be there for that to work.

Obviously if he is having a relationship that changes things.

Pocket Pony
Nov. 26, 2009, 01:18 PM
Wow. I'm so sorry to hear that - you must be in shock. It will be interesting to hear how he tries to backpedal out of it or make excuses. As much as it would hurt I would rather hear brutal honesty about the affair than listen to lies lies and more lies.

You have a lot of things to consider - what kind of life do you want? Can you trust him again? Do you want to try to trust him again? What kind of impact will it have on your child if you stay with him but don't trust him and hate him? What about if you leave him? So many factors...

I wish you the best. Regardless of whether or not he joins you, I think that therapy is a wonderful thing.

Equilibrium
Nov. 26, 2009, 01:22 PM
No advice, just big hugs.

Terri

reluctantalter
Nov. 26, 2009, 01:52 PM
Thanks to who have replied.

I was not snooping, I was retrieving information and saw a message titled "Missing you more and more". I couldn't resist. When I searched on that email address, the correspondence spans almost 3 years, so clearly if I was the jealous/suspicious type I would have known long ago.

He initially denied, then amended to "inappropriate relationship", and eventually something about a friendship that went too far. There are just as many emails initiated by him as her, and the cutesy talk and discussion of a trip and back rub were both initiated by him. Only after this "discovery" and final admission (but he still won't call it cheating, as he asserts there was no sex) did I rabidly start checking out other things. Still, he said he could not get a flight (he's overseas in a remote location) because they were all booked until January, but wanted to work this out then.

The frequently called number was not unlisted, and the owner has a facebook page, so it was easy to find information. When I emailed him with her name, and that clearly there must be 2 (at least) "inappropriate relationships", all of a sudden he was able to make it back here in 2 days.

I have no doubt he was "cheating", regardless of sex. I guess it'll just be one day at a time while I figure out my feelings, and decide best how to move forward. I have not decided divorce or not, and I'm not sure what will be the "thing" that makes me think divorce. On the advice of a close friend I am going to speak to a lawyer, so I just have all the information. Another close friend is my Gyn, and as soon as I'm back in town I will call her too.

Shock. Gobsmacked. I have never been, or had reason to be, suspicious, so this is really a rug pulled out from under me. I thought we had a non-traditional (since he travels overseas a couple months/time for work), but I thought it was good and strong. You never know, I guess.

suz
Nov. 26, 2009, 02:03 PM
oh ow----you must be stunned. breathe, and ((((((hugs)))))). i'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Kinsella
Nov. 26, 2009, 02:09 PM
Hugs to you and your son. Whomever said that you and he (your son) will be better off if you are happy is absolutely right. So whatever decision you make regarding your future with your husband, make sure it is one that you can live with happily.

Again, hugs, and I hope you come out of this well and whole, no matter how long that takes...

deltawave
Nov. 26, 2009, 02:28 PM
I don't know what to think

Lawyer. Maybe a counselor. I'm sorry. :(

omare
Nov. 26, 2009, 02:28 PM
I am so sorry, I would talk to a lawyer-even briefly before he gets back if possible.

For two reasons I would talk to a lawyer now -- protecting your self financially and the legal ramifications of letting stay under the same roof with him after finding out about the adultery. It mayalso not be good to assume he has not talked to a lawyer yet.

One thing I would make sure of is that you have enough money- assets in your sole control--if at all possible that is, If you have a joint account make sure you get enough money for you and your daughter from that account under you sole custody and control.... if he is rotten enough to cheat on you he might be rotten enough to clean out the accounts. You can talk and make up but make sure you and your child are protected financially first. And make sure you want to let him back in the house before he shows up.

I really hope things work out for you but just make sure you are protected.

buschkn
Nov. 26, 2009, 02:28 PM
Hugs and jingles to you. I am sorry this is happening to you. I can't imagine how you must feel. Whether you choose to stay together and work it out, or go your separate ways, I certainly suggest you find a counselor you like and trust to help you get through this tough situation.

And kudos to you for keeping an open mind about everything. Certainly nobody on a BB can tell you what the right thing to do is. People are always quick to say "leave the cheating bastard!" but only you and he can know what you have together and if it is salvageable.

My thoughts are with you.

MunchkinsMom
Nov. 26, 2009, 02:41 PM
Hugs to you. Good advice to not make any rash decisions, especially when there are children involved.

But I can give you the child's eye view of living with parents when the father cheats, and the mother stays with him because she either feels trapped, or get's told by her own mother - "you made your bed, you lie in it" (yeah, my grandmother was a pip, and not always a nice one). It was hell, and even harder on my brother than it was on me.

If you can get your husband to agree to counseling, and see if "this marriage can be saved" that might be a good first step. A call to a lawyer might not be premature either.

I have to admit I did wonder if these 2 other women know about each other. That might really make the fur fly if they don't and somehow or other they find out about each other, with hubby as the monkey in the middle.

Linny
Nov. 26, 2009, 02:42 PM
You have gotten good suggestions here already.
Get a GYN check for certain and contact a lawyer. Print out emails with dates etc and get a printout of phone records. ("I only spoke with her 2 or 3x" means nothing when you have a history of communication.)
Be sure that are are positioned financially. There was a time when if the man cheated, he had to pay up to his wife via alimony etc. With so many more women working it doesn't always go that way any more.
Also, if it does come down to a legal matter and you do opt for divorce (and there are other options) be sure that YOUR record is clean. I have no idea who you are so I am not accusing you, but divorce attorneys are the piranhas of the legal world. Your husband's attorney will find out about every waiter you've smiled at or co-worker with whom you've shared "inside jokes."

I wish you well, I cannot fathom how hard this must be for you.

arghhalter
Nov. 26, 2009, 02:54 PM
Hugs to you.

I wish you all the strength in the world as you confront this. No matter what you decide, it will be a difficult road.

Lone
Nov. 26, 2009, 03:34 PM
I have no advice at all, but I'm sending hugs your way.

JanM
Nov. 26, 2009, 03:47 PM
If you haven't already then you need to make sure you have separate accounts for banking and credit cards. If a separation or divorce happens the first one to the bank may end up with everything initially, leaving the other person without access to funds. And you separate the credit card accounts so you are the only one with access so you don't end up with thousands of dollars in charges you don't know about until it's too late to stop them-believe me that happens a lot.

Kestrel
Nov. 26, 2009, 04:16 PM
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think sometimes it's worse if sex isn't involved, because that means its not just a physical thing but an emotional one. And many people don't get how much it hurts, because to them, "since there wasn't any sex, it isn't really cheating". Bull. It is cheating, and it hurts like %*##. He's also not just cheating on his wife, he's cheating on his family.

If you do decide to try to get through it, keep in mind that it can be a long term project to get the trust back. It is possible to come out the other side (eventually) with a better relationship than before you found out (after all, it can't get much worse). I would say that a therapist is essential in the process - she/he can help to keep everyone honest and keep things focused.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat/vent/cry.

JER
Nov. 26, 2009, 04:46 PM
Well...

You could simply inform Girl #1 that there is a Girl #2 and vice versa.

Then when DH comes sloping back to you, quiz him about the fall-out.

But seriously, this can't be easy for you. If it were me, I'd pop him a quick email saying it's over but I know that in real life, there's never one right solution. The question is, do you want someone in your life who has these values? If not, then end it now, so you can salvage a cordial relationship as co-parents of your son.

Eleanor
Nov. 26, 2009, 05:54 PM
(((((hugs)))))

If you want to talk you can PM me, I have been in your shoes and know all the things you are going though. :no:

brightskyfarm
Nov. 26, 2009, 07:47 PM
Been there myself..........
someone gave you the advice to financially secure yourself..
do that.... protect yourself fully... and the advice for you to make
the decisions for your best interests now apply.
and....... you'll never know who you married until you divorce them.
prayers for you.

Zwarte
Nov. 26, 2009, 07:50 PM
This is about trust.

paw
Nov. 26, 2009, 08:27 PM
More hugs.

Not everyone is cut out for a life apart from their spouse - this might have started innocently enough, but (obviously) got *way* out of line. Perhaps the fact that there are now 2(!) is an indication that he's more emotionally serious about you and may be willing to work to save the marriage...

If you decide you want to try to remain married, I strongly suggest that (among everything else) one of the conditions be that he finds a job that doesn't involve so much travel.

Good luck, and very sorry this happened.

Go Fish
Nov. 26, 2009, 08:48 PM
There are several divorce lawyers in my firm. Where there's smoke, there's fire, from what I've seen. You really need to get to the bottom of this and everyone that's told you to get legal counsel is right on the money.

sid
Nov. 26, 2009, 08:55 PM
Yes, I had one.

When I found out, I took a scissors and cut the crotch out of all of his $1,000 Armani suits (that I had basically paid for over the years we were married). Then, I called him to tell him to come pick up his "clothes".

When he found them on the front lawn then noticed the crocthes were cut out, he literally wept.

It told me where is "heart" was.

Did me a world of good and I've never looked back....:lol:

Pelican Bay
Nov. 26, 2009, 09:25 PM
I am so sorry you are going through this. The pain you are feeling is like no other. There seems to a lot of this going around, there was some kind of expose involving board members on COTH this summer wasn't there?
I have also been through this and if you need someone to talk to I am here. I do have to say in my experience, your husband is likely having relations with these women. Unfortunately where there is smoke there is usually fire. There are likely more that you do not know about too. Especially if he is gone for months at a time in other countries. You have received some great advice from the folks on here. No one can tell you to leave or stay that is a decision you will need to make but either way it will be very very difficult. Counseling will help tremendously.

reluctantalter
Nov. 26, 2009, 10:15 PM
Thanks for all the advice, hugs, etc.

Still reeling. Just spent dinner with his whole family. You look great, how's "hubs"? When's he back in country? Ugh, so hard to keep it normal.

My friend's husband told me to start hiding money. I took our entire savings and put it in my mom's savings account, and put most of our joint money in my personal checking account. We do share a couple CCs, but all the utilities are only in my name. I also remotely changed the alarm code on the house, and the passwords on all the major accounts. Another friend is getting me a lawyer's #.

I'm willing to listen, I'm not willing to give up, but in the meantime, I'm gonna protect my ass(ets).

Thanks again.

buschkn
Nov. 26, 2009, 10:57 PM
Good for you OP. Obviously this is a horrible thing to stumble upon but it is wonderful that you have the presence of mind to protect your ass(ets) immediately before he even gets back in the country and can muddy the waters even more. I wish you the best and I am so sorry this is happening to you. Nobody deserves that. I am not an "absolute" sort of person, and it sounds like you really love him, so I hope that it is fixable, but if not you have put yourself in a good position to leave if you so choose.

steelerino
Nov. 26, 2009, 11:23 PM
Sorry, but it's time to say good bye. He clearly doesn't respect you. It's never ok for somebody do that. There are plenty of guys in the world & you deserve better.

RainyDayRide
Nov. 27, 2009, 12:33 AM
My friend's husband told me to start hiding money. I took our entire savings and put it in my mom's savings account, and put most of our joint money in my personal checking account. We do share a couple CCs, but all the utilities are only in my name. I also remotely changed the alarm code on the house, and the passwords on all the major accounts. Another friend is getting me a lawyer's #.

I'm willing to listen, I'm not willing to give up, but in the meantime, I'm gonna protect my ass(ets).



smart girl ... it occurred to me he might be hurrying back to start fiddling with your assets himself.

In my experience - and in all but one case of friends with straying husbands - if they've strayed and done it over a prolonged period of time, they're not going to change and the wives are left to continually wonder "where is he?" "who is he with tonight?"

Miss Motivation
Nov. 27, 2009, 12:45 AM
Been there myself..........
someone gave you the advice to financially secure yourself..
do that.... protect yourself fully... and the advice for you to make
the decisions for your best interests now apply.
and....... you'll never know who you married until you divorce them.
prayers for you.
Best advice I never understood until it was too late:

"Marriage is about love, and divorce is about money."

Let that guide your every action.

AiryFairy
Nov. 27, 2009, 12:47 AM
Thanks to who have replied.

I was not snooping, I was retrieving information and saw a message titled "Missing you more and more". I couldn't resist. When I searched on that email address, the correspondence spans almost 3 years, so clearly if I was the jealous/suspicious type I would have known long ago.

He initially denied, then amended to "inappropriate relationship", and eventually something about a friendship that went too far. There are just as many emails initiated by him as her, and the cutesy talk and discussion of a trip and back rub were both initiated by him. Only after this "discovery" and final admission (but he still won't call it cheating, as he asserts there was no sex) did I rabidly start checking out other things. Still, he said he could not get a flight (he's overseas in a remote location) because they were all booked until January, but wanted to work this out then.

The frequently called number was not unlisted, and the owner has a facebook page, so it was easy to find information. When I emailed him with her name, and that clearly there must be 2 (at least) "inappropriate relationships", all of a sudden he was able to make it back here in 2 days.

I have no doubt he was "cheating", regardless of sex. I guess it'll just be one day at a time while I figure out my feelings, and decide best how to move forward. I have not decided divorce or not, and I'm not sure what will be the "thing" that makes me think divorce. On the advice of a close friend I am going to speak to a lawyer, so I just have all the information. Another close friend is my Gyn, and as soon as I'm back in town I will call her too.

Shock. Gobsmacked. I have never been, or had reason to be, suspicious, so this is really a rug pulled out from under me. I thought we had a non-traditional (since he travels overseas a couple months/time for work), but I thought it was good and strong. You never know, I guess.

Cheating emotionally even without sex is still cheating. He's a liar as well. He got caught. He's trying do to damage control, for HIS sake, not yours. Definitely speak to a lawyer, it will give you the strength to do what you need to do to save yourself any more misery. Nothing like a good betrayal as a wake-up call. :(

Go Fish
Nov. 27, 2009, 12:56 AM
Thanks for all the advice, hugs, etc.

Still reeling. Just spent dinner with his whole family. You look great, how's "hubs"? When's he back in country? Ugh, so hard to keep it normal.

My friend's husband told me to start hiding money. I took our entire savings and put it in my mom's savings account, and put most of our joint money in my personal checking account. We do share a couple CCs, but all the utilities are only in my name. I also remotely changed the alarm code on the house, and the passwords on all the major accounts. Another friend is getting me a lawyer's #.

I'm willing to listen, I'm not willing to give up, but in the meantime, I'm gonna protect my ass(ets).

Thanks again.

Good for you. You have a child to think about...

MunchkinsMom
Nov. 27, 2009, 01:23 AM
I would also recommend saving the emails if you can (forward copies to one of your email accounts perhaps, or something. You might need them as evidence if he tries to fight a divorce if you decide to go that route.

I have heard of some men with a "sexual addiction" problem, not that I think that is any sort of excuse, but I personally would not be able to live with someone that I didn't trust, and if it is a true addiction, it might take some intensive therapy to work past it.

Wishing you the best of luck,and it sounds like you are doing a great job of protecting your assets also.

JanM
Nov. 27, 2009, 01:31 AM
Get the credit card situation fixed to separate your accounts now. What happens during a divorce in most cases I've seen is that you decide who pays for which account, and in two cases I know of the other spouse put thousands of dollars on the account after the agreement was signed and before the next monthly bill was sent out. Keep checking your credit card statements online every day. You deserve to be treated better than this, and my heart breaks for you.

vacation1
Nov. 27, 2009, 03:01 AM
Oh, my. Doesn't sound very nice. For God's sake, try to relocate your son out of the house for the big homecoming. Even if you manage an impossible level of ladylike calm, your husband is probably going to go ballistic when you mention what you've done with the money. Good luck with everything.


It sounds like the two of you spend a lot of time seperated and that you are very suspicious.

I respect the attempt to not go with the flow and jump into a group hug, but come on. If the OP's story is remotely accurate, she's suspicious because he's f'ing around.

Mach Two
Nov. 27, 2009, 03:11 AM
My heart aches for you, and many of us have "been there"
You sound smart..and good for you for getting money put away to take care of yourself. They ALWAYS deny the sex. Always.

But no matter, it is hurtful to you in so many ways. Please do take care of yourself. Print out everything and make copies, and get copies into a safe place. And don't agonize over knowing any more about his partners, it will only make you feel more awful, and as you come through this, you will realize you don't WANT to know.

Surround yourself with friends you trust, and get some legal council. None of us here can tell you what to do, but we can keep reassuring you that you are going to come out of this better off. Hold your head up, it is not about you or the relationship, it is about him having a huge problem, and I don't know of any cheaters who've changed just because they got caught.

Mach Two
Nov. 27, 2009, 03:12 AM
Oh, my. Doesn't sound very nice. For God's sake, try to relocate your son out of the house for the big homecoming. Even if you manage an impossible level of ladylike calm, your husband is probably going to go ballistic when you mention what you've done with the money. Good luck with everything.



I respect the attempt to not go with the flow and jump into a group hug, but come on. If the OP's story is remotely accurate, she's suspicious because he's f'ing around.

Good advice about having your son staying somewhere else for a few days.

JanM
Nov. 27, 2009, 12:33 PM
I agree with Mach Two-make sure you have copies of all financials safety stored elsewhere. And you must have a consultation with the most successful LOCAL (I am shouting-you have to have a local attorney or you are toast) divorce attorney. The lawyer consultation with money changing hands means you hubby can't use them-a big point in your favor trust me. I wish I could help you more, but you seem very sensible and organized and will get through this whatever you decide.

Leather
Nov. 27, 2009, 12:43 PM
Get yourself this book ASAP: http://www.shirleyglass.com/book.htm


NOT "Just Friends" is the long-awaited, groundbreaking new book by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., whom the New York Times has called the "godmother of infidelity research." Full of astonishing revelations, NOT "Just Friends" draws on more than two decades of original studies and hundreds of clinical cases to document the new crises of infidelity. NOT "Just Friends": Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal reveals that, in this crisis, today's workplace is the foremost breeding ground for extramarital affairs. Good people in good marriages-men and women who say they're happily married-are unwittingly crossing the line between platonic friendship and romantic love. We are right to be wary when we hear our partners assert, "I'm telling you, we're just friends."

Alagirl
Nov. 27, 2009, 01:04 PM
So I found an email from my husband (he had asked me to get some info for him, he's working out of town) that piqued some suspicion. Boy did I open Pandora's box. It was an email from a co-worker, and after reading it, I had to read all to/from this woman. Many emails (she works a traveling job, too), many signed "miss and love", "missing you", "can't wait to see you", etc. Content talks about back rubs, a planned trip together, eating dinners out, etc.

I confronted my husband with this info, and he said it was NOT an affair, that she was a co-worker and friend. When I read some of the more choice letters, he downshifted to being sorry, because it was an "inappropriate relationship" and he was so sorry, etc. He wanted to wait to discuss this in detail when he returned from his trip in January.

Well, I didn't buy that, and got out the computer, our cell phone records, etc. and started to dig. Turns out he's known this girl at least 3 years, and has called her when she's out of the country, etc.

I also found another number, called 55 times in the last 6 months. Calls were all at night, up to 45 minutes. All these calls are made on nights I was working. A reverse look-up revealed this was a SECOND woman.

I emailed him with that info--and got a one line response: I'm on my way home, be there Friday.

To me, that response speaks volumes to me as well.

My husband is 39, both these girls are in their late 20s.

I don't know what to think--devastation? anger? hurt? what next? We have a 3yo son together.

I don't know what I'm looking for--advice, help, thoughts-any words to help me try to make sense of my apparently now defunct marriage.

Thanks!


Might be nothing, might be everything.

Having a young child can strain a good marriage.

get some counseling.

Hugs and best wishes!

reluctantalter
Nov. 27, 2009, 03:11 PM
I hear you, re: strain of a child. I'm suspicious based on one of her emails from 2007 that they met in 2004, 5 years ago, which makes me more sick than after our son. I only have proof of 2007 to present.

And he should be arriving here within the next few hours from his flight. Not sure how he will know at which hotel everyone is staying, but I suppose he'll just call his folks. I gave them the head's up that he had done something "very bad", enough so to cut his trip 6 weeks short, and that things could be a bit uncomfortable for everyone.

reluctantalter
Nov. 27, 2009, 03:11 PM
Get yourself this book ASAP: http://www.shirleyglass.com/book.htm

Thanks I will order it right now.

Sport
Nov. 27, 2009, 03:40 PM
I hope your discussion goes well. Only you can decide what you want. Hopefully it is a good sign that he was willing to come home to discuss things with you.

I can't even imagine what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

mswillie
Nov. 27, 2009, 03:57 PM
And he should be arriving here within the next few hours from his flight. Not sure how he will know at which hotel everyone is staying, but I suppose he'll just call his folks. I gave them the head's up that he had done something "very bad", enough so to cut his trip 6 weeks short, and that things could be a bit uncomfortable for everyone.

Document, document, document. If you have a few hours forward all that email to a secure account he can't get to (work, a friend, family). You may want to print hard copies later but for right now preserve the data, as much as you can as fast as you can.

You can always discard it later if you don't need it but if he makes it disappear it's going to be gone forever.