View Full Version : Supporting Older family members?

Nov. 25, 2009, 09:56 PM
Anyone else here living with older parents or in-laws, to help them make it economically and/or physically in their "golden years"?

My in-laws live with me, we bought this farm and had them move in with us because they were not going to be able to live on SS and their rapidly dwindling investments, and the mental decline of my father in law was also a contributing factor.

It is a challenge, and not for the faint of heart or thin of skin.

I was just wondering if anyone else has had to do this, and what your coping techniques are?

Nov. 25, 2009, 10:15 PM
I can't offer advice on it since I'm not in that situation but have tried a few times to talk my MIL into moving into the state here and either move in with us, buy a home close by or else into a retirement community nearby.
She's in FL where she moved to for her retirement. Her children are in SC, NE and we're in CT. She's lonely now that she doesn;t like to travel often and few of her children have time to travel there and arthritis and other issues are starting to make it hard for her to love without some help. She's financially stable and can afford to move easily but she hates the idea of living where there are cold winters again and doesn't get along well with the daughter or son in law in SC. *sigh* I'm trying to convince her CT is better than Nebraska for weather and it's not different than FL because there she doesn;t go outside 3-4 months esch year because it's Hades Hot and here she can stay in 3-4 months to avoid the cold.
Now she can be a real pita...but it is out of caring. Hubby has a demanding job so I'd be caring for her when she needs it and she can drive a nun to drink but she's family and needs help. Not sure how I'd cope..
Do you get along well with your in laws? Do they have a separate in law apartment situation? Am wondering how we'd do it if it does happen for us.

Nov. 25, 2009, 10:25 PM
Misty-maybe one of the nicer, single apartment retirement communities with dining facilities if they need it would be good? Like the one Shirley MacLaine lived at in the movie "In Her Shoes"--something big and with transportation available and lots of activities. There are so many nice choices these days and there may be something nice like that near you, plus one with transportation would free you from driving her around, and make her feel more independent.

Nov. 25, 2009, 10:25 PM
Good topic... We moved in with my mom in 2008 when I was very sick. I've since regained my health and life has returned to normal for us, and we've been house/farm hunting.

The irony is that while we originally moved in so I could recover and she could help hubby with our daughter, it now seems as if the tables have turned a bit. Over the last 12 months it has become clear that my mom's situation is going to be unstable in the near future, and without us to help her maintain the house both physically and financially, I'm not sure how she is going to do it.

It is hard on all of us having 3 adults in the house sometimes, but we make it work. Thankfully the house is quite large and she has her own suite, though we do share common living spaces.

Hubby and I are worried about how she is going to manage on her own when we leave. She is quite stressed about it. So now we are trying to figure out how to proceed.... puzzling, for sure.....

Nov. 25, 2009, 11:43 PM
JanM...I've already looked into a couple of those. They are a good workable idea...there's a couple on the shore about 20 minutes from our house. Close to major shopping and quaint seaside towns and all sorts of stuff. She lives on the shore now...in Naples where there's apparently a lot of shopping and restaurants and all that stuff she loves. Has a full medical staff too. Same kind of places near her place too, but it's not the same as having family around.
It's a rough situation all around. She's tried to convince us to try moving there...I'd rather have my fingernails removed slowly than live in a hot muggy climate and it's 10x worse for me to live in a tourist type resort area with tons of people. Plus hubby can't leave his job and we have kids up here we're not leaving.

Nov. 25, 2009, 11:59 PM
It is a tough decision. We moved here to Ocala so that my in-laws could stay where it is warm. I had to leave my mother behind up in MA, she won't move here. The in-laws moved from south Florida (Boynton Beach) to Ocala with us.

I get along great with my mother in law, who is very active, she does volunteer work at the hospital and at the theraputic riding center, works two jobs (Curves and a western wear store) and does the majority of the grocery shopping, laundry and cooking. It is my father in law that is the challenge, he has the failing memory, poor health, etc. So we try to never leave the house with him alone if possible.

We put additions on an already large ranch style house, so they have their own living room, giant master bedroom, bath and two walk in closets, and we built our master bedroom on the other end of the house.

Years ago when I got divorced, I moved in with my mother in MA, but I had my own apartment downstairs, so we didn't have to interact and get on each other's nerves very often, and back then it was easier. As her health is declining, even phone conversations can be painful when all she has to talk about is her ailments and doctor's appointments. Which of course make me worry now that I am so far away.