What do I do?

[Not So Practical Horse(WO)man]

I just recently moved to a new barn. Our previous barn was just falling apart. The horses rarely got fed, got turned out once a week, the woman was a crazy psycho biotch. I moved with one of my friends and are doing dry stalls at a BEAUTIFUL facility that is home to some very expensive and fancy horses/ponies. I never went into this expecting to be a favorite. I just wanted to blend in and make a few new friends. The barn owner/manager said she would like us to exercise her horses and teach some lessons, saying this before she saw us ride. Then we did come and ride and I rode for her twice. The other girl who came rode once. I told her in person that we were not incredible Olympic-bound riders but we did have a considerable amount of experience, I trained my own horse who I am planning to move up to the 3'6" jumpers with next year because we have been very successful in the 3' jumpers this year and I show mainly for the fun of it and never do rated show because they are too expensive. We had to wait a month alter than we expected because our previous BO would not let us out of our 30 day contract (even though she did not hold up her end of the contract).

We took one lesson with the BO/BM and she hasn't called us back since then. Now that we finally have moved in, she barely even acknowledges me. I'm not upset that I'm not getting rides because she did just bring in a second full-time girl who rides some of the horses everyday and she did have a few other people riding for her. I never wanted to teach lessons. But it really really hurts that she won't say hi to me and every time I try to strike up a conversation she walks away like she's very busy.

Now here's my dilemma. My previous BO has a history of calling up whatever barn you are moving to after you leave and spreading lies about you. When I was looking for a new place to go to, several places that had her old boarders asked me not to tell her where we were going if we were to go there because my previous BO had called them up and harassed them for weeks about the boarders she had lost. All the people I talked to said everything she was saying about those boarders proved to be completely false. Now, before I left(we left a week before the month was up) I took 5 bales of hay with me to offset the move in costs a bit. I took them gradually over a period of 2 weeks. I didn't take any grain. I didn't take any shavings. I took only 5 bales of hay(which is 2 less than what my horse goes through in a week). I did not tell my previous BO that I did this because she was neurotic and never would have let me. Noone I told that I did this views it as stealing. They said I was taking what was owed to me. I agree. Well, my previous BO noticed that hay stopped disappearing. Another boarder told her that she had seen me put a bale in my trailer one day. I know for a fact there are many boarders who will throw their horses hay when the BO is not there and then feed the rest of the bale to the barn so she doesnt notice an open bale, the horse were that thin that they needed it. Now that I was gone, all that missing hay got blamed on me.

I am 90% sure my previous BO called up my current BO/BM and told her a plethora of lies about me and one truth that I "stole" hay, although my previous BO was crazy enough to make it sound like a was a constant thief and I wouldn't put it past her to say that I was always stealing other boarders stuff and taking things without permission. I am not a thief. I took 5 bales of hay that I believe were owed to me. I have never nor will ever take or borrow something that belongs to someone else unless they give me their explicit permission to do so. In my opinion, I paid for that hay when I paid my $600 October board check.

What do I do? My current BO/BM won't even talk to me. She seemed so friendly and nice when I first met her. She also never leaves me alone in the barn and goes out of her way to keep everything that mine of my friends separate from her stuff. I think she thinks I'm a thief and a bad person. She treat my friend much better than me even though I'm there more than my friend, do more work, and am considerably more knowledgeable than my friend. Should I approach her? I'm only 90% sure and I make it a point in my life to never make decisions based on speculation. A friend from my old barn is going to ask around and find out if my previous BO did call up my current BO/BM. I am also friendly with the woman that teaches lessons there and a woman that works there full time.

If I do find out that my previous BO called up my current one, what do I do? I really do not want my current BO/BM thinking bad things about me. And if she thinks I'm a thief, those kind of impressions never fade. She won't even talk to me as it is. My dad, who goes up and turn out the horse Mon-Thurs while I'm in school, was going to casually bring it up to her but even that scares me.

Tell me what to do COTH.

[Alagirl]

Seems like your ex BO has a well known history.

And frankly, if you don't care what other people think of you, you live much easier.

Say hello, mind your business and leave it at that.

be known by your actions.

And FWIW I'd justify taking the hay to ease the horse into the new feed, should ahve taken some grain, too...

[Bluey]

I don't think you should have taken the hay or anything else, especially not without letting the BO know.

That place was better left without any hint of any questionable actions by you, the baggage too large already.

Now, all you can do is do everything right and prove that you are a good boarder.
Actions will trump false accusations, if they really were made.

Or you could just ask the current BO if the former BO called her and tell her that she does that regularly and badmouths former boarders, if you can give examples, is not just gossip.

I still think leaving well enough alone on your end probably will be best in the long run.

[coloredhorse]

Just ask! Really, open and direct communication solves a lot of real and imagined problems. If you can't grab her for a casual, spur-of-the-moment conversation, make an appointment for a meeting. I'd say something like: "Hey, New BO, it may be my overactive imagination, but I'm getting a rather tense vibe from you, not at all like the friendly and welcoming feeling I got when we initially agreed I would fit well with your clientele here. Have I unwittingly broken some barn rule or offended you in any way? What can I do to relieve this tension?"

Open the door for her to tell you what she is thinking. It may be that she feels she was too gushy at first and is trying to pull back to a more professional demeanor. It may be that she has other things on her mind and is just distracted and focusing on the needs of the business. It may be that you are overly sensitive to nothing. Or it may be that she did talk to your old BO.

And let's be clear: You took hay that belonged to the old BO without her knowledge or permission, correct? Whether you thought it was "owed" you is irrelevant. You stole hay. Cop to it. Maybe you were justified, maybe not. But you did not discuss it first with the person who purchased the hay, therefore you are, in fact, a hay thief. You say it's a one-time thing; fine. And be clear on this when/if it comes up with the new BO: "New BO, I'm sorry to hear you have had bad reports about me. I can assure you the bulk of the accusations are simply not true. Ask around -- here are the names of some other BOs who have boarders who used to be with Old BO -- she has a reputation for trashing old clients. I will be honest: I took 5 bales of hay without discussing it with Old BO. Because of the problems with feeding, I felt this was fair. I did not want to try to reach agreement with Old BO because she had previously stuffed spiders in the ears of another client who asked about a similar arrangement, and I am deathly afraid of spiders."

If you are unwilling to open the doors of communication, you're just going to have to suck it up, and wait for time and consistently "good boarder behavior" on your part to prove to your new BO that you are a suitable and trustworthy client.

[AnotherRound]

It sounds like having taken the hay makes you seem like a thief - in YOUR mind. You're the only one calling yourself a thief, right now. You're the only one justifying the hay you took, which in a sense you paid for, I agree. You're the only one I have heard about yet who doubts yourself.

Do your work and forget about what people think of you. You're making up all this that the new BO "thinks" of you. You haven't heard it from her - until you hear it from a person themselves, its only rumor, remember that.

You can slouch around based on what your imagination tells you or decide to live your life based on what you want to do and say and how hard your work for yourself, not for how other people see you. Pick yourself up and be whoever you are. If anyone says difrerently, that's their problem.

The sooner you learn this lesson in life, the happier you will be, and the less blown this way and that by the winds of gossip you will be. See what I mean?

Goodluck.

[mvp]

Do nothing but be a good boarder.

Wait.

Don't rip off hay or anything else.

Pay your bills on time.

You can see how the old BO would consider this stealing, right? If she didn't think she owed the horses in her care enough food, why would she concede that she owed you anything?

You can't worry about "evening the score" on your own terms and in a less-than-direct way, and then worry about your reputation as a good boarder in the same breath, IMO.

[TheHorseProblem]

Do nothing but be a good boarder.

Wait.

Don't rip off hay or anything else.

Pay your bills on time.

You can see how the old BO would consider this stealing, right? If she didn't think she owed the horses in her care enough food, why would she concede that she owed you anything?

You can't worry about "evening the score" on your own terms and in a less-than-direct way, and then worry about your reputation as a good boarder in the same breath, IMO.

ditto

It was wrong to steal.

[dacasodivine]

I agree with MVP. Once new BO sees that you are a good boarder, she will forget what old BO said. Unless old BO didn't call and say anything and then, I don't know.

[Come Shine]

Although you say that what you did was right, if you felt that in your heart you wouldn't have written asking what to do. Have you thought about sending the BO a cheque for those 5 bales?

"Flywheel".

[Not So Practical Horse(WO)man]

The problem is, I'm being blamed for 20 bales of hay missing over the last month. I'm sure the other 15 were fed out by other boarders trying to sneak their horse some more food and I was the easiest one to point the finger at since I no longer resided at that barn.

AnotherRound- how many times did I say I am not a thief in my OP? I don't think I'm guilty. Sorry for giving you the whole story.

I'm not at all gonna get myself worked up over what happened at the last barn. What I'm concerned about is the here and now. Maybe I'm just too used to getting along with everyone. But to me, your barnmates are like family in a way and I want to fit in with my new family. Maybe its growing pains but I can definitely tell you I am not imagining things about her wierdness towards me. My friend has noticed it too.

[TheJenners]

I say you have two options:

Option 1 (my choice) is to ignore it. She wants to be whatever around you, fine, it's her prerogative. As long as the riding and lessons you were planning on doing wasn't something you need to offset board, don't even worry about that.

Option 2 is to ask her. Say hi and when she blows you off, ask, "Jane...have I done something wrong?"

[Bluey]

The problem is, I'm being blamed for 20 bales of hay missing over the last month. I'm sure the other 15 were fed out by other boarders trying to sneak their horse some more food and I was the easiest one to point the finger at since I no longer resided at that barn.

AnotherRound- how many times did I say I am not a thief in my OP? I don't think I'm guilty. Sorry for giving you the whole story.

I'm not at all gonna get myself worked up over what happened at the last barn. What I'm concerned about is the here and now. Maybe I'm just too used to getting along with everyone. But to me, your barnmates are like family in a way and I want to fit in with my new family. Maybe its growing pains but I can definitely tell you I am not imagining things about her wierdness towards me. My friend has noticed it too.

I think that you have talked yourself into believing that taking the hay and in a way the BO would not notice is right.
Sorry, looking at the big picture, it was wrong to take that hay without confronting the BO about it, no way out of that, in the situation you described.:no:
Even in a court of law, you would have to prove that the hay was really yours and that would be hard to prove, because you didn't have an agreement that that hay was yours to take with you when you left.

Now, that you are blamed for 20 bales, that is not your fault, you are right, but no one is asking you to pay for them or you are confronted by the BO about it, just have heard that somewhere, maybe.

I don't see how you can make friends there, if they don't want to be friendly, for whatever reason.
Maybe you ought to look for another place and try for a better start, if you don't want to give this some more time and see if they come around eventually?:confused:

[Huntertwo]

I say you have two options:

Option 1 (my choice) is to ignore it. She wants to be whatever around you, fine, it's her prerogative. As long as the riding and lessons you were planning on doing wasn't something you need to offset board, don't even worry about that.

Option 2 is to ask her. Say hi and when she blows you off, ask, "Jane...have I done something wrong?"

Agree....

[ex-racer owner]

I had a somewhat similar experience happen to me and a couple of other boarders, at our old barn. We became increasingly concerned about the care, or lack thereof, that our horses were receiving, and decided to start barn shopping. Somehow, the BO found out about it and took it upon herself to call around and trash us. To this day, I'm not sure how many barns she might have called, but she did call the BO of the barn we did eventually move to. It was kind of funny, because old BO while trying to bolster her case against us, confirmed why we were unhappy at her barn. She flat out told new BO that we would count our Smartpaks to make sure they were getting fed everyday and she told new BO that sure, she didn't always feed them. She also said how we expected our stalls to be cleaned everyday, but that she didn't always get to it, but that we were being excessively picky about them getting done everyday.

I'm not sure how cold calling barns and complaining about your boarders is supposed to help yourself, when you in fact do want those individuals to move out. Kind of hard for them to find other arrangements when you are throwing obstacles up in front of them....

Anyhow, despite what our "new" barn owner heard, she still took us in, and is very happy with at least the two of us, because we don't constantly bother her about petty stuff, like some of the other boarders do. Of course, coming from the barn we had just left, we were, and still are, thrilled with the care our horses get. That is to say, all their basic needs are met and we don't have to worry about them having water, getting hay, supplements, or grained appropriately, and their stalls are cleaned daily and usually picked several times throughout the day if they are in for some reason.

Oh yeah, that "old" BO, she was very similar to what the original poster described of her new BO. This person was so friendly and excited for us to move to her barn, and even wanted me to teach dressage lessons to the barn brats that were there and help train one of her horses. It wasn't until she got lazy/burned out, that we started having issues....

[Come Shine]

It doesn't matter how many you are being blamed with. Pay for the ones you took. Who cares what anyone else says after that? You have owned up as a responsible adult.

Then if the issue of your trash talking old BO and the hay comes up, you can come clean rather than trying to justify what you did. You can honestly say that despite knowing you really were owed those bales as per the board agreement, the BO may have felt you were not entitled. Since you had not asked the BO in advance because of the dynamics of the situation, you felt the most appropriate way to address the how the old BO felt, was to pay her for the 5 bales.

Put your self in the new BOs position, how would you like the situation worked out?

[barrelchick00]

I would just be up front and ask. If she states things I would explain anything and everything to her. Then after the conversation just continue to be a great boarder and let it go.
Good luck!!

[nightsong]

You can honestly say that despite knowing you really were owed those bales as per the board agreement,
Really? The board agreement said, "Lessee may take as much of Barn Owner's feed as she wishes"?

Honey, you're a THIEF. If word got to the new barn owner/manager, no WONDER she watches you like a HAWK.

[slc2]

You only should have taken hay after discussing it with the previous barn owner. Just because she is annoying, doesn't give you the right to take hay. 'Offsetting the cost of the move'? Come on. It's wrong. You stole hay.

Now you need to prove to the new barn owner that you're reliable and honest. Good luck.

[mvp]

You can spend as much time as you want telling anyone who will listen that you aren't a thief.

The BO may be unfair to blame you for the missing 15 bales. But if you were the only one who was caught with your hand in the cookie jar, why not lay all blame on you? I agree that reason ought to tell anyone that you alone didn't stuff 20 extra bales of hay into your single horse. The BO, as wack as she may be, psychologically needs to make you the bad apple. Otherwise, she must admit that the stealing problem will go on and on in her own barn. Don't worry, she probably knows it is and, if it is any consolation, is having a really bad time thinking all of her boarders suck.

The sooner you can drop it, the happier you will be.

If I were feeling very mature and brave on one particular day, I'd swing by my old barn and leave some cash for the 5 bails I took and a short note of explanation (not justification!) and apology. Then, knowing I had kept my side of the street clean, I'd let the rest of the chips fall where they will. In your position, however, it might take me some time to get so bold as to venture back with my nice note.

[weproceededon]

If the old BO does this all the time then others will realize she likes to spread rumors and likely dismiss her statements. People don't respect gossips. You shouldn't have taken the hay - that was stealing, send her a check for it or it will bug you the rest of your life. I agree with several of the others, the best way to prove you are a good boarder is to be one. Be friendly and helpful, don't gossip about other boarders, follow the rules, take good care of your horse and always leave the barn cleaner than you found it. The best mistakes are the ones we can learn from!

[TalkIsCheap]

In the end, does anybody really listen to others making those phone calls trashing their clients? Does anybody really trust what others say anymore? I'm a firm believer that unless I see it for myself, it's just another opinion, and another trainwreck cycling thru the system.

This will go away, just keep up with your current demeanor, pay your bills, take care of your animal and subscribe to whatever lesson/training program is in place (assuming that's why you are there). These actions speak louder than the former BO and her phone calls and the toxic grapevine.

Send this woman a check paying for the cost of the hay. If she cashes it, then it's a done deal. You're free of that place.

And as far as the "family" thing....sometimes you may not want a bunch of these people as "family". However, the silent treatment from the current BO who I assume is now cashing your checks is rather juvenile. She should ask you straight up what is going on.

[Coreene]

OP, you could dress your justification in Chanel haute couture but it's still stealing. And people who steal are thieves.

[Not So Practical Horse(WO)man]

Hmmm well I'm going to pick up my friends horse from the old barn in a few weeks and bring him to our new barn. If I encounter previous barn owner and she feels the need to bring up the hay I'll see what happens.

I'm sure the barn owner is just pissed because me and my friend leaving is causing a domino effect(inadvertently) and now 50% of her boarders are looking for a new barn.

And for those of you saying I'm a criminal, thats not the feedback I was asking for. I could care less about what the old BO thinks of me. I was asking for advice on the new BO/BM. But I guess I should have known that going on a public online forum only sets you up for people running their mouth because they can hide behind their keyboards. But thanks guys next time I want an online spanking I'll come here first.

[Coreene]

Hint: no one knew you stole until you posted that you did. So next time you don't want people to cal you a thief, don't tell the world wide web that you stole five bales of hay. :dead:

[Bluey]

Hmmm well I'm going to pick up my friends horse from the old barn in a few weeks and bring him to our new barn. If I encounter previous barn owner and she feels the need to bring up the hay I'll see what happens.

I'm sure the barn owner is just pissed because me and my friend leaving is causing a domino effect(inadvertently) and now 50% of her boarders are looking for a new barn.

And for those of you saying I'm a criminal, thats not the feedback I was asking for. I could care less about what the old BO thinks of me. I was asking for advice on the new BO/BM. But I guess I should have known that going on a public online forum only sets you up for people running their mouth because they can hide behind their keyboards. But thanks guys next time I want an online spanking I'll come here first.

Hey, don't blame us, YOU took the hay and, in the way you told it, that was not right, in some eyes here.

All of us have been there, done something with our reasons, later realized maybe that was not really the best way to go about it and learned from it.:yes:

I would say that barn drama happens here and there, for what I read and that is just more of it. I don't think you will escape some of it in your new barn, sadly.:no:

[mvp]

Call me big-balled, but I didn't say anything here that I wouldn't say to you in person. I could be wrong, but I don't think you can infer cowardice from anything your average CoTHer types here. Not having met them, how do you *know* that they spank harder on the 'net than they do in the flesh?

Also, I don't think it's the mention of hay that made anyone cry thief, but the elaborate rationale for it. No, you didn't ask for that opinion. Just a few of us chimed in on the point, you (understandably) defended your point of view and the thing got bigger.

If you don't care about your reputation with the old BO than just go forward and be a sterling boarder.

[pj]

The problem is, I'm being blamed for 20 bales of hay missing over the last month. I'm sure the other 15 were fed out by other boarders trying to sneak their horse some more food and I was the easiest one to point the finger at since I no longer resided at that barn.

.

If the bo was told that you'd been seen loading hay into your trailer then OF COURSE she thinks you took the rest of it.

Taking that hay without permission was a very bad choice on your part.

[CatOnLap]

Notsopractical:
You gotten a lot of good advice to "man up". ( or "woman up" as the case may be)

I could understand if you're a new horseowner who hasn't had much experience before, but you say you have had success and experience. You just got some more good life experience.

It was wrong to take the hay without informing and/or asking your BO. It could have been so simple: "Since I am leaving a week early, I am taking a couple of bales to transition my horse at the new place."

A couple of bales.
Not five.
And what horse eats an entire bale a day? My 17.3 hh 1600 lb-er eats half a bale a day and he's fat. Little 50 lb bales- he gets 25 lbs.
So no, not five. That was wrong, you did it because you were pissed off, maybe rightfully so, but accept that your actions were also a bit over the top.

Accept that the norm , when leaving a boarding stable almost anywhere, is to give proper notice, leave any time in advance of the last day of your notice, and not take anything that doesn't belong to you. You horse gets fed the BO's hay only when he's there or expected to return, or a reasonable amount- a bale, or perhaps two, to transition when moving, plus a few days worth of grain.

Address the tension with your new BO as coloured horse suggested on page 1. If she answers that she's heard the rumour, you acknowledge to her that yes, you took 5 bales, and now you know that was a mistake and not etiquette...without further rationalizing. No more buts. If she asks further, acknowledge that you were angry and upset, then, and have listened to sage advise and changed your feeling, now. You might not have to go that far. Most people, knowing of the old BO, would understand what it is like to be in your situation, and would understand the feelings that led to your actions. Most of us would not have taken your actions, now, however. Learn.

[Aimee Thanatogenus]

A BO, psycho or not, tends to take theft, or perceived theft, of things seriously.
I did, in the past, board at a barn with a manager who was similar to your current one.
She'd behave very much like the juvenile and huffed around over the silliest things. Then you ignore her for a while and she'd come around, write a big long note/newsletter with new rules.
I often would go out of my way to say hello, what else to do?

As far as the hay? I wouldn't have touched it, and I bet you would have been accused of taking the other bales, BUT you took the 5 and therefore you don't have a leg to stand on.
IF you wanted 5 bales, you should have marched the BO out and had her sign something to say that part of the final deal was 5 bales. Otherwise, man-up and walk away.
I could tell you about walking away from some "borrowed" tack, "borrowed" bags of feed and "borrowed" blankets.

New barn owner may not think old barn owner is a complete crazed fool. She may view her as a sort of peer and might rely on her as part of her network of fellow barn owners.

And so, yes, you've taken, stolen, whatever 5 bales. Now it appears you are a thief.

Once a kid stole a full set of boots I left out. I put notes up and no one found them. Suddenly, this girl who had been doing stalls "found" them. Funny, they weren't in the lost and found, but in her truck. From then on I steered clear of her and her reputation was, in my eyes, forever tarnished. She still works around local barns, she worked as an assistant for the equine dentist and I told her I wouldn't be able to use the dentist's services any longer if she brought that girl onto my property.

It's just that easy to become known as a thief, and there isn't much you can do now, but pay for the bales, grow up and sit down with your new barn owner to clear the air.

And, no offense, you've got no formal instruction as a riding instructor, so why would you want to teach? Perhaps it's the USA, but why isn't there a program like the BHS, some self taught h/j rider is an instructor? I'd give pause about your new barn owner's judgment. Or maybe she saw you ride, and thought otherwise. I mean, this could have nothing to do with the bales, but to do with the teaching.

Unless you talk to your new BM you'll never know. :yes:

[nightsong]

A
Unless you talk to your new BM you'll never know. :yes:
Yup. You don't know what's going on, and you're there. How can total strangers divine what's in the barn owner/manager's head?

[Dreaming Luke]

Taking the hay, and I understand that you thought you were owed it, as you paid for it in your board fee, was probably not a good choice. As you said, and knowing that your ex-BO calls barns and talks trash about previous borders, taking the hay was going to add fuel to whatever fire had been started. I have been at a barn where I felt uncomfortable, BO wouldn't say hi, wasn't friendly, and I did get to the point where I would come later/earlier to avoid her. Later, I found that other previous boarders got the same treatment, so I didn't take it personally. The woman wanted money for boarding, but obviously didn't want other people around. I didn't enjoy going to the barn anymore, so I moved to a small private barn.

I think you have two options, 1) Prove yourself to her, be friendly, pay on time, help out around the barn as much as you can with extra chores.


2) Move.

[cloudyandcallie]

Trouble is, if something is stolen at your new barn, the first suspect will be you. (or if something is lost or misplaced.) I've been at barns where people sneaked hay and grain to their horses, and where boarders who were cheated by BOs on hay/grain/shavings deliberately trashed the BOs possessions before moving. And I paid extra for hay for my 2 horses (and bought my own hay at some barns.) I do think OP was entitled to take hay for the last week of her board, but since she's being blamed for hay used by other boarders, no need to try to explain it.
I think OP should just ask BO what is wrong, and if BO says previous BO called her and told her OP was stealing hay, OP should say she took enough hay for the last week of her board. Period. But now OP must be very careful not to use one flake of unauthorized hay or one scoop of unauthorized grain at the new barn.
ETA: When you pay for a month's board and move early, you are legally entitled to the grain and hay that your horse would have eaten. And the stall should not be used without your permission. Usually the BO ignores this and therefore reaps a benefit. I once moved my 2 horses, gave notice and left a check for the next month's board, so BO got 2 stalls and hay and feed and shavings for one month for 2 horses.

[Not So Practical Horse(WO)man]

And, no offense, you've got no formal instruction as a riding instructor, so why would you want to teach? Perhaps it's the USA, but why isn't there a program like the BHS, some self taught h/j rider is an instructor? I'd give pause about your new barn owner's judgment. Or maybe she saw you ride, and thought otherwise. I mean, this could have nothing to do with the bales, but to do with the teaching.


In my original post, I do say that I do not want to teach. I never have wanted , nor will ever want to. Its just not for me. I am also not upset that I am not getting any rides. She just hired a full time girl who teaches lessons and rides most of the full service horses. She has no need for me right now. I'm fine with that, I have a separate job that is reliable and guaranteed income. My other friend who moved with me is qualified to teach and has years of experience teaching. When we were moving, my friend was the one the teaching offer was made to, not me. I think my friend is doing 1 up down lesson a week right now...not sure though.

[Chall]

Or.. when you go to pick your friends horse up, you can drop off 5 bales of hay.
If I read correctly, the barn was falling apart, the horses weren't being fed. So maybe it would be helpful to the boarders left there . In any case it would settle the books so to speak, yes? Good luck to you and all concerned.

[slc2]

"thats not the feedback I was asking for."

It's the feedback you need.

Your current situation (nonspeaking barn owner) is very likely a result of your behavior, and nothing else. It's not the prev bo's fault.

And no, I don't agree with 'if she brings it up we will see what happens'. That's being a coward, and a cheap coward at that. Grow up, pay for what you took.

'I took five bales of hay, this should cover your costs for that. Take care, bye'.

You may be surprised.

'Hey, you know you took a lot more!' 'Well, actually a lot of the boarders were taking extra hay. I just took five bales when I moved. I just assumed it was alright since I moved before end of month. I should have asked you'.

Or....'Oh don't worry about it, it's covered in your board'...

or 'I thought you took more, but I saw three boarders taking hay and they said they don't feel their horses get enough hay. I can't provide more on my budget, so we sat down and talked, and they moved to another barn.'

Barns that feed smaller amounts of hay do well with smaller horses or easy keepers in light work. It doesn't have to be a big issue. Don't try to make a little place with a tight budget be the Ritz Carlton; move.

[equineartworks]

Every time I red one of these posts I am more and more grateful that I have my horses at home :)

OP, I would send a check with a note to your former barn and apologize for taking the hay without asking. In the end it is the right thing to do.

As far as the new barn? Maybe it is just a case of "you're new and paying me so I will be very nice for a week". Or, maybe someone told her/him that you post often on COTH and they are paranoid you will post something about them? The horse world is small....

[greysandbays]

Maybe it's like that politician joke were the dead senator gets to chose between Heaven and Hell, and based on what he sees in the tours, picks Hell.
When he actually moves in, he finds out it's not at all what it looked like it would be. He questions the Devil on that point and is told, "Ah, my friend, THAT was when we were campaigning; now you've voted for us".
Perhaps the early gushing was just "campaigning" and this cold shoulder business is "the way things are".

[katarine]

You can't just ASK the BO if there's something amiss between you two? Why is that so hard and what is this monkeying around about getting others to ask around? Is this jr high???

PS you stole that hay. Just so you know, 'justified' or not: you did. Own it.

[magnolia73]

Send the old barn a check for the hay. When I moved my horse, I took a week of grain (asked) and left a $20 check for it. You should have asked about the hay- "since my board is paid through the month and I am leaving on the 20th, can I take 5 bales of hay or would you cut me a deal on buying some?".

Call her up, humble pie and tell her you took 5 bales and ask about sending a check. I mean, you sneakily took it slowly. You knew it was wrong (or would be perceived wrong). Had it not been an issue, you'd have walked in and picked up 5 bales like I scooped up a week of grain.

At the new barn, quietly blend in and be nice to the BO and prove that you are not a thief. You need to ASK to a fault if you can feed an extra flake or borrow a longe line or a mist of fly spray.

[eclipse]

Do what others have advised & send a cheque with a letter stating that you took 5 bales without asking & that you are sorry for any misunderstandings. You are then clearing the proverbial slate.
Then man-up & face the new BO. You'll either get an answer you can live with and she has no idea that you took 5 bales and it's just the way she is; she's heard that you're a thief & how you have to convince her that you're not; she's really a royal beotch and you now either have to live with that or look for somewhere friendlier, or she's seen you ride and is now feeling like she made all these promises to you and doesn't know how to face you and tell you that really, she doesn't want you to ride for her anymore! (that would be a hard thing to hear, but you never know, it could be what is making her distant!)

[RoyalTRider]

So you're asking advice concerning the BO/BM, because things she heard about the fact might be affecting your relationship, but you don't want us to talk about those things from the past? Because whether or not you did steal hay is extremely relevant to how you should proceed. *If* you did steal hay, and the old BO told the new BO, you need to approach this entirely differently than if the old BO cooked up a batch of lies. If you did steal hay, and the new BO knows, you need to own up to/ explain that to have any hope of patching up things. If you didn't, things are different. If you want advise on "what you asked about," you're going to get comments about factors that change that advice.

ETA: Whoa, I just re-read the OP. It essentially says, "I left a barn and stole from it when I left. [Yes, you did.] Now, I'm afraid the old BO called and actually told the new BO that I have a history of stealing. The new BO is treating me differently, possibly based on a truth from my past being revealed... the recent past, and I don't admit to doing anything wrong. With out discussing the history that might have caused this treatment, tell me what to do."

[Pony Person]

And for those of you saying I'm a criminal, thats not the feedback I was asking for.
Are you serious? You're the one who brought it up. You can't expect people not to comment on it!

Maybe it's like that politician joke were the dead senator gets to chose between Heaven and Hell, and based on what he sees in the tours, picks Hell.
When he actually moves in, he finds out it's not at all what it looked like it would be. He questions the Devil on that point and is told, "Ah, my friend, THAT was when we were campaigning; now you've voted for us".

I never heard that one before. I like it!:lol:

[Cloverbarley]

And, no offense, you've got no formal instruction as a riding instructor, so why would you want to teach? Perhaps it's the USA, but why isn't there a program like the BHS, some self taught h/j rider is an instructor? I'd give pause about your new barn owner's judgment. Or maybe she saw you ride, and thought otherwise. I mean, this could have nothing to do with the bales, but to do with the teaching.

Unless you talk to your new BM you'll never know. :yes:
To be honest this was the first thing I thought when I read the OP. Maybe the OP is not a very good rider and the BO was disappointed in her lack of riding skills? Maybe that is why she is avoiding the OP as she doesn't want her riding her horses again?

[Cloverbarley]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that if I was you I would not send a check for the 5 bales of hay you took. By doing this you will solve nothing except fuel the fire. I'd just let it go.

BTW I am a BO and a hay farmer and us hay farmers do appear to have a photographic memory of our hay. As well as hundreds of large rounds, I have thousands and thousands of small square bales in my barn but I can assure you I know each and every time someone takes one. I personally don't see it as stealing though because my boarding customers are welcome to take hay as and when they need it. By this I mean, if they are competing or travelling or collecting a new horse etc. as they have no need to take hay for their horses whilst they are here because I feed free-choice to all horses.

I do agree though that you need to speak to the new BO and simply ask her if you have done something wrong and I wouldn't even imply that you had considered the previous BO might have contacted her.

[EqTrainer]

because she had previously stuffed spiders in the ears of another client who asked about a similar arrangement, and I am deathly afraid of spiders."

Nothing else to say but I am ROTFLMAO over this.. oh god, wiping tears from my eyes... so funny, thank you..

[Not So Practical Horse(WO)man]

To be honest this was the first thing I thought when I read the OP. Maybe the OP is not a very good rider and the BO was disappointed in her lack of riding skills? Maybe that is why she is avoiding the OP as she doesn't want her riding her horses again?

and to this I respond again...

In my original post, I do say that I do not want to teach. I never have wanted , nor will ever want to. Its just not for me. I am also not upset that I am not getting any rides. She just hired a full time girl who teaches lessons and rides most of the full service horses. She has no need for me right now. I'm fine with that, I have a separate job that is reliable and guaranteed income. My other friend who moved with me is qualified to teach and has years of experience teaching. When we were moving, my friend was the one the teaching offer was made to, not me. I think my friend is doing 1 up down lesson a week right now...not sure though.

[Risk-Averse Rider]

Not much to add except that I, too, loffed the spiders-in-the-ears comment, and I am SO happy to have my horses at home.

So, so very happy.

[Chester's Mom]

And for those of you saying I'm a criminal, thats not the feedback I was asking for.

Oh well then that makes it completely different!

Oh wait, no it doesn't. You gave the whole story to justify your stealing the hay so you could explain why the new BO might have heard something that is true (except in quantity) and you want to know why we can't solve all your problems without addressing your thievery? :lol: Are you related to Dizzywriter??? LOL....

[Cloverbarley]

and to this I respond again...

Yes I read your further post, I was referring to your OP (original post), and as I said the riding skills was the first thing that I thought of when I read your OP :). The reason I thought this, was because I once did exactly the same as your BO. A number of years ago I had a new boarder who told me they'd done this and that, hence me being under the impression this person was a very proficient rider. I said they could ride some of my horses if they liked but when I saw them ride for the first time I knew fine well they would never be competent enough to ride the horses I had at the time so no way was I going to let them. There was an awkward few hours after that however I later went and spoke to the lady and said that mine were not quite the uncomplicated rides that her horse was and that it wouldn't be a good idea for her to ride them. Everything was fine after that. The point I'm making is that perhaps the BO feels a little awkward and doesn't quite know how best to deal with the situation?

Of course it could be absolutely nothing to do with your riding her horses and may indeed be something completely unrelated, however you will never know unless you ask her :).

[CatOnLap]

ETA: When you pay for a month's board and move early, you are legally entitled to the grain and hay that your horse would have eaten.

I'd like to see the law that supports this assertion.

ROFLMAO.

Even in residential tenancy acts, you are not "entitled" to any sort of refund for the unused portion of the rent/board should you decide to leave early after giving specified notice. You can stay until the last day of notice if you like, but taking hay and grain if you leave early, would consitute a refund, and you are certainly not entitled to that.

What twaddle appears on this board sometimes.

[Valentina_32926]

Just ask! Really, open and direct communication solves a lot of real and imagined problems. ....

Agreed - open communications give her a chance to voice any concerns she may have, try to alleviate them with words, and lastly tell her that you guarantee she won't have any problems - but if she has ANY questions/ concerns in the future to PLEASE come talk it over with you, as you don't want that to get blown out of proportion if it can easily be resolved.

Then prove to her she can trust you.

[TSWJB]

i think its a lesson learned for you. you took hay without the owners permission. even if you were entitled to have the hay for your horse because you paid board. you should have talked to her first before you took the hay.
i think if you are that uncomfortable then you should ask the new barn owner/manager if you did anything to offend her. if she says no. leave it at that. if she tells you about the old place and stealing hay i think you should talk to the old owner and if she feels really angry about it. pay for 5 bales of hay and be done with it.
i always ask the owners before i do something or take something. like i asked if i could have some hay for my trailer and how much would it cost. my barn owner said take as much as you want,it comes with the board. but had i just taken it, i would feel like i stole it.

[Long Spot]

I'd like to see the law that supports this assertion.

ROFLMAO.

Even in residential tenancy acts, you are not "entitled" to any sort of refund for the unused portion of the rent/board should you decide to leave early after giving specified notice. You can stay until the last day of notice if you like, but taking hay and grain if you leave early, would consitute a refund, and you are certainly not entitled to that.

What twaddle appears on this board sometimes.

THIS.

A boarding contract requires the BO to feed and care for the horse while it is on their property. Of course, there are some super nice barn owners out there who will let you take their hay and or shavings to a show or what not, but they don't have to let you do that. That's just kindness and good customer/BO relations.

If you had asked if it would be possible to take a few bales since your horse was leaving early, that's one thing. To just take it because you felt like you deserved it with out even asking, that's a whole nother Oprah.

If that idea in my first paragraph doesn't make sense to anyone, think about asking the farm you were leaving to come clean your stalls at your new place. Heck, you've already paid for it, right?

A huge lesson in why it's usually best to be the bigger person and behave with grace, even in less than stellar circumstances.

[PaddyUK]

I'd like to see the law that supports this assertion.

ROFLMAO.

Even in residential tenancy acts, you are not "entitled" to any sort of refund for the unused portion of the rent/board should you decide to leave early after giving specified notice. You can stay until the last day of notice if you like, but taking hay and grain if you leave early, would consitute a refund, and you are certainly not entitled to that.

What twaddle appears on this board sometimes.

How very true.

OP. You nicked the hay. End of. Personally, I think you should refund your old BO for the cost of the hay you took.

Paddy

[Ruth0552]

My two sense...

I would not worry about the hay. I do not think we can decide whether or not you stole without seeing your boarding contract. The contract might have said that board included, x, y, and z services and hay, grain and bedding for the month. Either way, it's five bales of hay. Tops, $50. I would not mail your old BO a check, because that would drag the whole situation out. If you are being blamed in social circles for stealing hay all month, just tell people the truth when they ask. At one barn I left, the BM shoved 3 bales of hay in my trailer and when I asked her about paying for them, she told me she didn't care and to just take it. If you really feel bad maybe you could mail her a check and a bill for your recent therapy session due to her insane behavior?

As for the new BM/BO, if they listen to anything that any old crazy BO (there are a lot of crazy horse people, I think the ratio of crazy BO's to crazy boarders is 1:1) tells them they aren't worth associating with anyways. Let her make up her mind about you and be yourself. If you don't want to teach lessons and don't care about riding other horses, don't even bother giving it another thought. You could always ask her, "oh, did you still need me to exercise some horses for you?" and see what she says, if you are really Paranoid and upset about the situation.

[philosoraptor]

You can't worry about rumors. You really don't know what Person A says to Person B. If you did indeed take hay without permission, make it right: send them a check for the hay with a note saying there was a misunderstanding.

You really don't know why the BO is not calling you back. Maybe it was about something your last BO said, truth or not. Maybe it was how your ride. Maybe she is having a personal emergency any not calling anyone back. Maybe her psychic advisor said to avoid doing business with your horiscope sign until the new moon. Maybe she's just having her period and she's at home with extra bad cramps. Who knows? My point is that you have no idea, so don't make yourself crazy trying to guess.

When she calls back, you could politely ask her if she got your other messages. Can you wait a week or two?

If it turns out she's just a flake who doesn't return phone calls some weeks, then she's just a flake and you need a new trainer. But in the meantime, stop over-analyzing. :)

[2foals]

OP, you put yourself in a bad situation when you took that hay. BO's aren't always out at the barn every second policing things, so I could see how the BO hearing that you had taken a few bales came to assume that you had stolen more (or even other things), even if other people were to blame. When BO's invite boarders into their barn, those boarders have access to feed, tack, horses, equipment, etc. There is a huge trust factor!

Who knows whether or not your new BO heard about you taking hay. But if she did, can you understand why she would be uncomfortable? All you can do is be a model boarder in every way that you can. Over time, perhaps you will get to know the new BO better and then perhaps you could have a conversation about the old BO and what may have been said. I think that if you talk to her now you might come across as paranoid or guilty. It is sort of hard to defend yourself when you did in fact take hay that wasn't yours--even if it was just a small amount.

[SFrost]

I find it interesting that the OP was mostly about you taking they hay. You went around your rear to get to your elbow to explain your problem. You are trying to defend yourself before anyone ever said a thing. Both those things make my believe that you feel guilty. Should you have taken the hay? No, probably not.

As for your current situation, I would behave, mind my p's and q's and hope for the best. Why rock the boat?

[OverandOnward]

I wouldn't assume the old BO calling around is the reason for anything. You said she has been known to pro-actively call numerous other barns. What would any BO/BM think of someone who called out of the blue to trash a boarder the person called may never even have heard of? If a BO/BM wants references from the last stable, the new BO/BM will do the calling. Any 'new' BO/BM who takes a crazed cold-call phone call from the previous BO seriously is not someone you want to board with. If your new BO got such a call it is possible her thoughts were more about the dottiness of the old BO than of you.

If we hypothesize that the new BO would not take the old BO seriously, and the new BO has not said anything to you about something you are doing around the barn she is unhappy about, possibly she is not unhappy with you personally. I would be inclined to try not to take it personally and just give things time. Unless she says something specific to you.

It sounds as if you don't really know your new BO/BM very well. Her behavior may have nothing to do with your old barn situation. It may or may not be personal about you, or a true reflection of her feelings. I would suggest trying to discreetly (very) find out how she normally behaves around new people, from those who know her better. Some people react with apparent coolness when in reality they are introverts by nature and just need time to feel comfortable with new people. In a sales situation they ramp up their energy and enthusiasm to win new business, but if they are not truly extroverted that energy has a short shelf life.

I have no opinion or judgment on the hay. In your shoes I might go ahead and pay for it, not because I thought I owed it or didn't, but to make sure my end was clean in the eyes of all the world. An excess of goodness, perhaps, to remove all possible valid ammunition from the loose cannon of the old BO. :wink

And, for the same reason, I would arrange for anyone else to pick up horses from the old BO's barn. It makes no darn difference if it is fair or reasonable for you to do it, or not. Just don't even open the door to the real or imagined appearance of being someone who is cleaning out the old BO's business, whether or not she deserves it. Help your friends find good places for their horses, but arrange for others to be the ones to appear on the old BO's property with a horse trailer. I don't think it's going to look well if any former boarder is visibly removing horses from their last stable ... unless the sheriff is also there shutting the place down for animal cruelty, or something. I really do think that if you do pick up horses there, you'll be posting again about more rumor-mongering.

Just imo. :)

[Not So Practical Horse(WO)man]

And, for the same reason, I would arrange for anyone else to pick up horses from the old BO's barn. It makes no darn difference if it is fair or reasonable for you to do it, or not. Just don't even open the door to the real or imagined appearance of being someone who is cleaning out the old BO's business, whether or not she deserves it. Help your friends find good places for their horses, but arrange for others to be the ones to appear on the old BO's property with a horse trailer. I don't think it's going to look well if any former boarder is visibly removing horses from their last stable ... unless the sheriff is also there shutting the place down for animal cruelty, or something. I really do think that if you do pick up horses there, you'll be posting again about more rumor-mongering.

Just imo. :)

I see where your coming from and I totally agree. But the horse I'm picking up is my best friends horse. I wouldn't do it for any other boarder at that barn unless it was a trip to the vet hospital. Old BO sort of expected her to follow us out when we left, she just didn't leave at the same time as us because she paid for a year of board in one lump sum. Old BO did not expect us to cause a chain reaction. If my friend could drive the horse trailer herself, it would be hers to use in a second. But I would be a rotten friend if I backed out on her now and she had to pay to get someone else to do it. But I completely agree with you. My friend gave her notice and will probably leave at a very quiet time of the day, so I'm not expecting any drama.

[RockinHorse]

she paid for a year of board in one lump sum.


:eek: I have never heard of anyone doing this before. That sounds very risky.

[Not So Practical Horse(WO)man]

:eek: I have never heard of anyone doing this before. That sounds very risky.

She got a discount this way, I guess. I would never do it. Her parents are wierd though and trust the BO blindly and thinks she poops diamonds.

[katarine]

LOL way to go, doing good works for your (in YOUR words) BFF while questioning the sense God gave her and her parents.

Aren't you just a gem ???

[Cloverbarley]

Gosh I'm almost afraid to admit that 2 of my boarders also pay every years board upfront in cash :(.

[cajunbelle]

You can modify your future behavior, but not the past. It stinks.. but either suck it up.... or leave!

[AnotherRound]

The problem is, I'm being blamed for 20 bales of hay missing over the last month...AnotherRound- how many times did I say I am not a thief in my OP? I don't think I'm guilty.

Yes you do:

I took 5 bales of hay with me to offset the move in costs a bit. I took them gradually over a period of 2 weeks.

You took hay over two weeks, during a month (four weeks) when hay was going missing?

Why did you take it over two weeks if you didn't think you were stealing? Why not just chunk the 5 bales into the trailer when you pulled out of the driveway, if you believed you were owed that? You sneaked it. Very thief-like.

I took only 5 bales of hay I did not tell my previous BO that I did this because she was neurotic and never would have let me.

Well, my previous BO noticed that hay stopped disappearing.

Hay stops dissapearing when you leave? I'd be suspicious, too.

Another boarder told her that she had seen me put a bale in my trailer one day. I know for a fact there are many boarders who will throw their horses hay when the BO is not there and then feed the rest of the bale to the barn so she doesnt notice an open bale, the horse were that thin that they needed it. Now that I was gone, all that missing hay got blamed on me.

But only over a month? I don't get it. This sounds like they've been doing it for a long time. So boarders used up 15 bales of hay and you used 5?

Or has hay been dissapearing for a long time? You story doesn't really add up to me.

I am 90% sure my previous BO called up my current BO/BM and told her a plethora of lies about me and one truth that I "stole" hay, although my previous BO was crazy enough to make it sound like a was a constant thief


Yeah, actually you DO call yourself a thief. You justify it, but you think you are a thief, you sneak the hay and lookfor reasons to justify it.

I'd think you were a constant thief too, if hay was dissapearing for a month beforeyou leave, people see you taking it and tell me, and when you leave the hay stops dissapearing. I wouldn't call and tell your next BO about it, unless she was a firend of mine, but lets face it, I think you're a thief too.

I don't know why you think its ok to have stolen it, and i wasn't sure about that when you first posted, but upon re reading, and seeing your denial about your behaviour and wierd deman that people not consider the stolen hay when you spent two thirds of your orignal post describing it so we would have it for context, I figure you are busy trying to re-write this episode in your life so it fits better and doesn't feel so bad. In fact, I think that's why you wrote to coth, to get more validation, only that's not what you got.

So that's what I think.

[OverandOnward]

I see where your coming from and I totally agree. But the horse I'm picking up is my best friends horse. I wouldn't do it for any other boarder at that barn unless it was a trip to the vet hospital. Old BO sort of expected her to follow us out when we left, she just didn't leave at the same time as us because she paid for a year of board in one lump sum. Old BO did not expect us to cause a chain reaction. If my friend could drive the horse trailer herself, it would be hers to use in a second. But I would be a rotten friend if I backed out on her now and she had to pay to get someone else to do it. But I completely agree with you. My friend gave her notice and will probably leave at a very quiet time of the day, so I'm not expecting any drama.

My friend, with all best wishes I am going to say what I would say gently to you in person over lunch, if I could. You are showing a bit of a flair for doing things that will put you in a bad light, fairly or unfairly, along with elaborate justifications. First the hay, now trailering. My point is that it does not matter if these things are right or wrong - I have no remark on that. I'm just saying that you can't control how it looks to others, or the consequences that you don't seem keen to deal with.

If this is a life habit then this post will make no difference as an encouragement to stop going out of your way to make your own difficulties in your horse world, over absolutely minor issues that have easy, low-cost alternatives. But if you were my sister I would find someone else to pick up your friend's horse and then tell you it was taken care of, put away the keys. And I'd explain why to your friend, who does not want to cause you unnecessary difficulties, either.

Do what's best for yourself, in the big picture, not the small one. :)

[Instant Karma]

You gradually took the hay over two weeks time so it wouldn't be noticed? That is SNEAKY. That speaks volumes:no:

So you sold yourself out for what?? $20-$30 worth of hay??? Yikes.

[Cloverbarley]

OverandOnward; I totally agree with you. I think if the OP goes back to the old barn it will serve only to resurrect the bad feeling.

OP - if you must be the person to trailer your friends horse, is there not somewhere that you can meet and load the horse off the premises or do you have an ulterior motive for going there?

[thatmoody]

Why not just pony up the price of gas and time to have someone else trailer said horse if you feel so bad for not being able to trailer your friend? Surely there are other people with rigs who might be willing to do it for a fee; friend gets horse trailered, you get to help like you said you would, everyone is happy.

Everything else sounds like justification for wanting to go back.

[Ozone]

You did steal the hay though... and honestly, I would be keeping my tack away from your stuff as well.

Sorry but I am not into sneaky tactics. If i was the new b/o I would probably stay away from you too, better yet, ask you to leave.

[Aimee Thanatogenus]

Wait a moment. You took the hay, sneakily, over a period of time?

And you don't think that what you did was thievery? What planet do you live on?

What happened to people who stand up for themselves to people and just say: "Hey, B/O, you owe me 5 bales of hay, get over here and watch me load it"

I really hate sneak-thieves who end-run morality and ethics and justify it in their minds, yet don't have the cajones to stand up for what they ARE owed to discuss it. That just makes me angry.

All this time I thought you openly took the bales. Now I am inclined to think you probably took more, but are modifying your story to make yourself look good on the message board. Even if your old B/O was loon-crazy, stealing hay is stealing hay. And sneaking it out in small quantities, then somehow behaving as though you've been unnecessarily burdened with the guilt of taking additional hay rings as false as tinfoil gold on a Christmas Tree.

Unconscionable. Unreasonable. Unbelievable.

Suppose for a moment that I put myself in the place of your new B/O and I hear that story. I'd kick your sorry butt out so fast your head would spin. I think getting the cold shoulder is a kindness.

And I still think the lack of communication is probably the large disconnect between how you portrayed your skills as a horsewoman and what she actually saw. I mean, if I knew you were basically a sneak-thief that justified it by saying you were "owed" something, I'd advise my current, long-standing boarders to lock their things up and ask you to be out of there.

Boarding is largely a public trust between yourself and the other people who board. Some barns have thieves. Some barns have people who won't touch another brush that doesn't belong to them. I've been at both sorts of barns. I can count on one hand how many months I've remained at a barn where there is a serious thief in our midsts.

I am terribly sorry, OP, you can sew it a cape, but the justification of your actions won't fly.