View Full Version : My Non-Horse Husband

Oct. 30, 2009, 10:17 PM
Mr. SLW’s extensive equine background includes “have fun fox hunting today honey”, “do you need more money for the trail ride today?” or “the Miami Dolphins game starts at 4:00 so take your time coming home, I’ll be just fine, really.” :p The understanding during our 28 year marriage has been- he never questions the money or time requirements with equines IF I never ask him too actually *touch* a horse. He admires the strength and grace of horses but always prefers a stout fence separate him from a horse here at home. :cool:

I needed help from Mr. SLW in the barn this evening with our 2 ½ year old gelding. The gelding is *modest* and I needed to take his temperature which required a second set of hands. :no: Such is life on the small farm when the last horse kid has moved away to the University. Being part human Golden Retriever, kind and helpful, Mr. SLW happily came out to the barn during evening chores to assist me.

I told him “I need to take Spanky’s temperature. Do you want the head or the tail?” He looked at me and angst began to cover his usually happy expression. I said “really, I’ll back his rump up to the stall door, head or tail?” The angst drained from his face and was replaced with the cold fear a young child feels when they *think they heard Mr. Eyeball Plucker in the bedroom closet in the middle of the night.” :eek: Mr. SLW, an IT guy for a Top 10 Fortune 500 company, was being asked to work on an “ass*et of a different kind- just about as far away from his daily reality as he could ever hope to be.

He paused weighing his options methodically, the Dolphins play the Jets at 1:00 this Sunday….hunting is at 1:00 this Sunday. If Spanky is sick I might end.up.staying.home. :mad: So it’s in “our” interest to make sure he is not ill. He said “tail” and so I took the leadrope, handed him the thermometer, backed Spanky up to the stall door and said “go ahead”.

First, he randomly picked up the tail at the base of the tail bone and then tried to lift it. Not gonna work. I said “Honey, go ahead and grab the tail bone about half way down, then lift it up.” He did that and then stated “Honey, it is dark and I can’t tell where to put the thermometer!” :no: Spanky is a black colt and the lighting in that stall isn’t the best. I described to him what he should aim for and he tried again getting a lil reaction from Spanky, a scoot if you will.

He said “I just can’t do this because I am outside of my comfort zone.” :sadsmile: I said “fair enough, you come take the head”. We switched ends and by now, modest Spanky is a lil bit concerned about us being concerned about his back end. Mr. SLW backed the colt up to the door like a pro, I inserted the thermometer and Spanky scooted forward and Mr. SLW jumped. Tried it again with the same result. We stopped with that. Hated to not get the temperature but more importantly, I knew Mr. SLW, who had already declared “outside my comfort zone”, had gone above and beyond the marriage vows.

But it got funnier…..we closed up the barn for the night and walked to the house. Then he quietly confided in me- “I had NO idea a horse had a tail bone. All these years I thought a horse’s tail was all soft hair. So back there, the first time I picked up Spanky’s tail and felt something hard mixed in the tail hair I thought ‘oh my gosh, did I also grab *that*, his wee-wee??”. :cool:

God I love him!! Non-horse husbands are the best!! We laughed about that at dinner tonight at our favorite Mexican eatery. :D :)

Oct. 30, 2009, 10:33 PM
There is so much about that story that made me laugh!!!

Had a similar incident last night-- sent non-horsey Mr. FG out to change the horse's sheet. While doing the belly straps he came face to face with horsey's man bits... my gelding has a tendency to let it all hang out. Apparently it was a traumatic incident for Mr. FG! Guess he'd never seen them up close and personal before. :lol:

Oct. 31, 2009, 09:26 AM
I also have a non-horsey hubby and although he fully supports MY need for the beasts, he is constantly challenged by the dirt, hair, and disgusting things we must deal with. It's hysterical to go into a sheath cleaning or other such topic.

Oct. 31, 2009, 11:52 AM
My lovely hubby relented 3 years ago & we added a molly mule. This year he thought he was being very thoughtful when he bought me a saddle from a guy at work.

Now it was super thoughtful (and I can't exactly return it) - but I've told him before saddles are like people shoes and not every saddle fits every horse! However the man at work assures him that my girl will "grow" into it.

Men, gotta love 'em, right?

Oct. 31, 2009, 08:08 PM
My non-horsey boyfriend's first experience with my pony definitely set the tone of their relationship. I had finished riding, untacking and was taking the pony back to his paddock when he decides to stop....pee forever....fart louder than I've ever heard and then glance back at my boyfriend who is ROFL. Pony made his statement.

Kindred souls from the start.

Oct. 31, 2009, 11:18 PM
OMG! Too Funny at the end!!!! This is my laugh for the day, for sure!
My spouse is a little better at handling the horses than yours, but he too
"prefers another sport"! Your story is way too good not to share!
Thank you! :) J

Oct. 31, 2009, 11:26 PM
What is so funny is that he does know horses, horse management, etc. so he uses great equine analogys to explain a server, program or software problem. Such as "expecting this program to manage "X,Y,Z" data is like having the hay supplier for a farm know which broodmares are bred to which stallion." Or "this software doesnt match our needs- your asking us to use a roping saddle on a TB race horse." Sometimes I love to overhear his conference calls. :)

Nov. 1, 2009, 08:57 AM
I just LOFF it when NHHs try to tell you how to ride/fix a problem/buy a horse. Its like telling a brain surgon how to operate. Seriously.

She's Pure Gold
Nov. 1, 2009, 02:55 PM
LMAO!!!! That was priceless :) Thanks for the needed laugh

Nov. 1, 2009, 04:03 PM
This story is definitely making me feel better. My fiance is completely non-horsey. I got him on a horse to trail ride in Tennessee (one of those tourist things - horses looked to be in good health).

He said he remains uninterested in horses.

Prior to that, we were dating for about six months when I was using my tax rebate to buy some much needed new tack - two saddles (I event, so one cross country and one dressage), two new bridles (because close contact saddles don't come in black and dressage don't come in brown...of course...), new saddles pads, girths, etc.

When he found out my saddles alone cost #1K each, he about fainted - I reminded him that these were mid-range type saddles - they can get up to $4K and more...not to mention custom.

I keep thinking I need to get him interested in horses and am slowly realizing he will love me anyway and I should just be really happy that he comes to shows sometimes.

Last show, he surprised me by bringing my non-horsey brother, non-horsey sister-in-law and 4 month old niece. My dressage and stadium jumping was video taped by my brother, along with a lot of commentary about why the dressage judge was in a car and how wrong they think that is. My brother hasn't gotten it converted yet, but I can't wait to hear the 'expert commentary' that follows dressage and stadium.

Jessi P
Nov. 1, 2009, 04:39 PM
LMAO - your hubby is a gem. REALLY. A gem! But you knew that already. :):yes::winkgrin::yes::winkgrin::yes:

Nov. 2, 2009, 11:32 AM
On our first date I told my (now) husband that I would have to be picked up late because I had to go by the barn and infuse a broodmare with antibiotics when I got off work. He volunteered to pick me up and then go by the barn.....which I gladly accepted cause I could use the help. I wrapped the mare's tail, handed him the syringe while I inserted the pipette and after asking for the syringe (with my arm in the mare up to my armpit) and NOT getting the syringe or a response, I looked back over my shoulder to see him backed into the corner of the stall with sheer fright on his face. He is an ER physician. I asked him, "this is not how you do pelvics?" Poor fella. After 16 years or so, he is better at helping and loves the horse shows but he still leaves the breeding chores to me. When I told him I wanted to go to Colo St to the breeding seminars years ago, he GLADLY agreed. At least he knew what he was getting into from the very start! It has been an adventure.

Nov. 2, 2009, 12:15 PM
Thanks - that was hilarious!!

Left my non horsey husband in charge of 1 horse while I went to a clinic with the other for 3 days. Came back to a horse blanket laying on the deck... Hubby wasn't home so I called to make sure everything was okay. I was picturing him taking the blanket off, forgetting to undo some straps, getting kicked or having the horse run around the pen dragging said blanket.
I was only partially right as he had indeed "not realized there were strappy things for the legs" - but everyone was fine (I have good natured horses...)
Of course I had to thank him profusely for doing that, even though the reasion I hadn't asked him to begin with was that I was afraid something like this might happen...

Nov. 2, 2009, 12:32 PM
SLW - Thank you so much for posting that! Really enjoyed reading it..and yes - I too have a NHH!

I tell everyone that before he met me - he wanted the biggest house on the smallest lot with plastic grass! Now we live on a farm and raise horses and sheep!

Nov. 2, 2009, 12:39 PM
OMG. Thank you for sharing this very very cute story. It made my day:D:D

tabula rashah
Nov. 2, 2009, 01:22 PM
My non-horsey husband is slowly becoming horsey (not that he'll ever reach my level I'm sure). He does now have a horse (which he said he wanted for trail riding with me, but I'm not convinced it wasn't just to have something that was his to feed ten million treats a day LMAO:D )
I think the funniest thing is that when does come on a ride with me- he pretty much refuses to steer- rides with reins on the buckle and hands on the pommel- he wants the horse to be able to choose his way and he just wants to enjoy the scenery- LOL! Thankfully his horse is a saint who thinks his purpose in life is to follow my mare wherever she goes

Nov. 2, 2009, 01:25 PM

Nov. 2, 2009, 04:54 PM
Priceless - even from the perspective of this HH who has a NHW

Nov. 2, 2009, 06:46 PM
Gosh that's funny!!!

The not-so-new BF was aware this week that I was really down about having to rehome one of my horses and offered to come with me for my "first" visit back to the barn w/ her gone--and to meet my other horse.

He grew up w/ cattle and fully admitted in advance that he knows nothing of what constitutes a "well put together horse". To which I said, "Good, because you're about to meet a conformational Mr. Potato head.

His response after we had slogged through the mud and met the mare? "She has the most beautiful eyes."

Okay. Good. They all do, don't they? At least he picked one of her best assets.

Got to love 'em. They try.

Pony Soprano
Nov. 2, 2009, 08:03 PM
Ha this was a great story. Mr. Pony Soprano is very similar, including his ultimate motivation being the football game. He is very generous about fixing fences and mowing fields though.

In seven years I have gotten him on a horse three times. He did inform me this summer that if he really put his mind to it and tried, he could be jumping in a month :eek:. Ha My horses aren't going to be the ones going through that learning curve being that the walk is currently a challenge.

Nov. 2, 2009, 08:23 PM
I married what I thought was a NHH, a couple of months after the 'I do's' I began to suspect I was his 'in' to horses. Within a year we all had horses, mine, DH and SDD (step:)) He had always wanted to ride, but his family thought it was a rich kids sport. Your story had me howling..

Lori B
Nov. 2, 2009, 08:49 PM
Love this thread, very funny. My honey is completely non-horsey. He is barely 'animal-ready', let alone horsey. He is afraid of the slightly noisy but completely harmless barn dog, and was flummoxed by the request to hold my mare's lead rope for 2 minutes. (Mare has demeanor of Bambi, completely chill and gentle, but quickly figured him for an ammy and was ready to wander off with him....)

I haven't told him about sheath cleaning, I think it would stop his heart. Since I have a mare, not currently an issue, but still pretty funny to contemplate.

Nov. 2, 2009, 09:15 PM
Since I have a mare, not currently an issue, but still pretty funny to contemplate.

Oh honey, you have a NHH Virgin right there!! Does he know about a mare *winking* ???? :cool: ;)

I've giggled at the stories you all have shared. These NHH guys are super special aren't they?? :D

And all is well that ends well.....yesterday I went Fox Hunting and the Dolphins won their game. :winkgrin:

Nov. 2, 2009, 09:33 PM
My NHH will *try* to help but fails miserably at it. Now, keep in mind her grew up with horses. His dad always has one. It is clear now that he never set foot in that barn...I recently had my gallbladder removed and needed help with my horse. I asked him to pick out his hooves and got a look of shock. First, they were muddy and that is a no go for hubby. Second, he has no clue where to start. I asked him what happens if I die. I was very quickly told that "someone ELSE is going to have to deal with this". Nice. I better not croak.

Nov. 2, 2009, 11:10 PM
I TOTALLY busted hubby clucking at the puppy tonight! It was hilarious! I guess after twenty years of marriage you pick some things up.

Nov. 3, 2009, 12:39 AM
In seven years I have gotten him on a horse three times. He did inform me this summer that if he really put his mind to it and tried, he could be jumping in a month :eek:. Ha My horses aren't going to be the ones going through that learning curve being that the walk is currently a challenge.

Oh, ROFL :lol: :lol: :lol:

Nov. 3, 2009, 12:52 AM
My BF is very horse, seeing as he grew up on a working ranch in Wyoming. He never learned how to ride a bicycle and had basically taken over the "colt starting" when he was 14. He's done it all, and has his way, which is not always my way. But he is willing and VERY tactful. When Pink arrived and got off the trailer, about 150 pounds underweight and looking very...well, icky...he said, "she has a nice head." He likes her more now, even though she's a bit of a hunter diva at times and dwarfed by his two cow horses...

Nov. 3, 2009, 12:34 PM
My fiance is non-horsey. For the past 3 years, I had a BIG, ornery TB mare and he came to see her once a year. That's it.

She was PTS in June and I now have a mellow, easy going, slightly smaller TB gelding. His first comment after meeting the new horse: "Oh, I would ride this one, this one's not scary like Lily." :lol:

So, he has been out to see the gelding several times. Last time, after we came home, he blurted out--"Okay, well, the deal is that I would ride your horse but I don't want you to BE THERE when I ride him because you will yell at me or something." :lol: I had to be very careful in my response as he's NEVER shown interest in riding and I sure as hell don't want to discourage it, but at the same time there's no way he'd be able to ride my horse alone.

We compromised by saying that he could ride WITH me on one of the barn's school horses. ;)

Nov. 3, 2009, 01:26 PM
Although we don't see eye to eye on horse related issues, my dh is very horsey (and he rides so much better than me without trying half as hard that it is just sad to contemplate:).

But with 2 horsey people, we don't end up with nearly as many cute stories as that one in the OP. Made me smile!

Nov. 8, 2009, 10:23 AM
Ha this was a great story. Mr. Pony Soprano is very similar, including his ultimate motivation being the football game. He is very generous about fixing fences and mowing fields though.

In seven years I have gotten him on a horse three times. He did inform me this summer that if he really put his mind to it and tried, he could be jumping in a month :eek:. Ha My horses aren't going to be the ones going through that learning curve being that the walk is currently a challenge.

The joke in our marriage is that "Fairly" unhorsey but naturally athletic hubby did just this. He had ridden western a bit before I inherited him, and perhaps english half a dozen times. I bought a broodmare back from her competitive career, I had bred, raised, trained and sold her previously. She had been shown in the hunter divisions across North America, she was brilliant. 16.2 hands, half TB appaloosa mare, her competitive career over with tendon problems. But she was servicabley sound for light riding, and hubby suggested that he might ride her a bit. Within a few days, they were jumping around 2' or so. Hubby's response... "This jumping stuff isn't so hard, I don't know why all these horsey women think it is so difficult". With great amusment, I pointed out that he was sitting on one of the best horses in North America, that she could do it without him if someone would tell her the course.

Nov. 8, 2009, 02:23 PM
My decidedly non horsey sister came for a farm visit, she along w/ my DH wandered down to admirer new foals just as vet arrived to check status of ovulation.
I pulled a teaser out of the stall and proceeded to see what the girls had to say. One older mare who was very non plussed by teaser had to be evaluated from the rear end reaction. As the vet exclaimed "I see her winking"...my sister goes, Dam shes good I never saw the horses eyes move.
Then came the sleeves, n KY which caused a whole other reaction :)

Nov. 8, 2009, 06:35 PM
Who won the game by the way? Hubby is a Jets fan, and since we aren't speaking right now, I can't ask him.

Of course we are fighting over a horse issue. I'd like to get a inexpensive horse trailer to do all the things I've always dreamed of doing, now that I have the perfect steady eddy mare. Hunter paces, Organized Trail rides, beach rides, but he insists that I don't purchase one.

Lucky you - It sounds like you have a very good marriage. :)

Nov. 8, 2009, 08:05 PM
The Dolphins won the game mentioned in this original post. :)

Huntertwo, if you all own a horse trailer remind hubba of all the times you can be gone while he enjoys his guy time whether it's a football game or sport of his own. Otherwise, vacuum during the game, cook a pot of cabbage, clean the ceiling fan or paint the room. ;)

When we empty nested three years ago Mr. SLW went into a panic. He was faced with having me HOME on the weekends. For years he had quietly enjoyed guilt free weekend days as I hauled our youngest daughter to her shows and rodeos and did a few horse things for myselft. That first weekend that kiddo was gone he basically said "now, be gone, go find something horsey to do with yourself. You should take up fox hunting again!" When he found out we only hunt one day each weekend he said "well join XXXX hunt so you can go out both days." ;)

All jokes aside he is a super guy. He spent today putting up another row of lights in a new barn we built this fall.....but the Dolphins lost today. :(

Dreaming Luke
Nov. 8, 2009, 09:01 PM
Well, funny I found this thread, as I just have a story of my own from yesterday!

Well after having Luke for a few years now, and husband coming to the barn and helping out, I assumed he had been paying attention, at least once. :no:Nope. Today I am again not feeling well, so I asked him to go out to the barn and do Luke. So he had to get him out of the pasture with the other horses around, take him into his stall, feed and blanket him. He seemed so confident that he wouldn't have a problem. I get the first phone call, describing a 16.2h sorrel Thoroughbred, as he is leading him in, asking if he had the right horse.:no: Nope, Luke is a 15.2 QH, right color but wrong horse. So he puts horse back and gets the right one. Calls again, can't figure out how to put the rope halter on, he gets it, everthings ok. He calls to confirm his feed, even though it is on the white board in front of his face, feed is done. I ask him to put his stable blanket on him, which is hanging over his stable wall. Doesn't call back...and I ASSUME everything is OK. He comes home, and I ask him how the blanketing went. He asys he criss crossed the leg straps between the legs, so I think ok good. Then I ask him what hole he put the buckle. He tells me the last one as it was tight otherwise??? Huh?? Then he says he had a hard time doing them up as LUKE'S TAIL KEPT GETTING CAUGHT~!!!! :eek: OMG! He is sure lucky Luke is as easy going as they get! I quickly called the barn, and got a barn mate to put it on properly. Everyone there had to check it out and had a huge laugh. They said Luke was standing there looking embarrassed about the whole situation. I don't think my husband will be showing his face around there for awhile. :lol:

Nov. 10, 2009, 02:55 PM
Dr. Mr. Grataan grew up showing cutting horses but I guess he never was around much during the breeding aspects (I think they sent their broodmares out) so when we were dating I asked him to hold a mare for me because I had gotten a shipment in late and the mare was ovulating and needed to be bred asap. Since he is an MD, he was all gung ho to prove he could do it. He watched quietly while i sedated the mare (even asked smarty pants questions about my 'cocktail') and cleaned her up. Then his eyes got bigger when I opened up the "man in a can" and pulled out the sleeves and pipette. He looked a little green and all of a sudden blurted out "YOU're going to put your arm WHERE?!?" I suggested he might just face the same way Princess was facing and try not to think about it.

But we ended up getting married a year later so I guess I didn't scare him off :)