Things to Not say in Public while talking on the Phone

[Hey Mickey]

Well, I was waiting for one of my classes at school to start, so I was standing in the hallway talking on my phone to one of my horse friends.

She was asking me how last horse trial went.
So I was telling her things like:
He felt fantastic.
Best he's ever been.
Went really well when I rode him right
He's never felt that good before.
He was jumping me out of the tack.

Of course I'm talking about my lovely horse Mickey... and I could not figure out why all of these guys were staring at me. (think college age guys)
Until I got off the phone, and realized.. Oh, normal people have no idea.... opps. I
Ohwell.


Share yours!

[shea'smom]

In the line at Subway, "I have to get the semen from the airport", while talking on the phone.....

[TheHorseProblem]

In the line at Subway, "I have to get the semen from the airport", while talking on the phone.....

I have to say that beats the usual, "I'm standing in line at Subway..."

[lesyl]

Sigh - I had a great ride and just wasn't thinking..

Me - "I rode the new guy this morning. Loved it once I figured out what he really wanted from me was to take a bit more of a feel. He really has a great mouth."

Just a couple raised eyebrows from the shiney shoe guys.

[Brown Horse]

omg! Yall are cracking me up!
I have probably done this so many times and I have NEVER thought anything of it. Now I'm wondering if anyone overheard and was like whaaa?

[Haalter]

A friend of mine once said something like this to me while we ate dinner at a restaurant:
"I hate Arabs. They are just idiots - they're so high all the time. And they're so ugly!" My response: "I've known some nice Half-Arabs; if you breed one to something quiet, it can be really cute." Whether or not one likes Arabian horses, this isn't an uncommon line of conversation among H/J folks. However, it was TOTALLY out of place at a non-horsey setting and the people next to us probably thought we were total racists, and began giving us really dirty looks, especially after we both realized what was going on and couldn't stop giggling :uhoh:

[JoZ]

My friend recently adopted a mustang yearling filly fresh off the range. I was talking to her on the phone tonight and she was telling me that she was able to clean the filly's udder for the first time tonight. As with many mares, the filly found this to be a very pleasurable experience. My friend -- the owner of seven other mares -- said "So I have ANOTHER boobie ho!"

I said "please tell me you just said that in the privacy of your car..."

[Luckydonkey]

One of my daycare mom's, was coming in the door to pick up her child at the end of the day, and i was on the phone with my youngest brother, whose dog had just cut his foot really bad at the beach. She overheard me telling him to go the store, buy corn starch, maxi pads,a pair of socks, and duct tape. As a total non-farm person, she gave me the strangest look, until I told her what it was for-lol.... Also when I was in the store one day the vet called me to discuss how my horse's crytpo procedure had gone- a 9 yr old draft cross. So I was walking through the grocery store..
me : Did you get both testicles then?
vet (whah whah, whah whah whah whah)
Me: You saved them for me? That's great- of course i 'd like to see them!
vet: (whah whah whah...)
me: Haha, yeah I know some people like to eat em, maybe i'll cook em up for my husband and show him who's boss, lol!:lol:

[dressagetraks]

Me discussing a possible tack purchase some years ago:

"No, that's the wrong kind of leather. It needs to be black - black leather just looks so much more appealing on him."

[nuts4cowboybutts]

In a restaurant talking on the phone with my hubby, I explained,

"I rode my little guy today. He was half asleep until I showed him the whip a couple of times. When he saw the whip he woke up and started working for me. He did great after that. When we were finished, I had to give him some treats."

After that, the people at the next table were really ogling me.

[Tilly]

I get funny looks sometimes when mum and I are in public and I'm talking about how I just didn't like how so and so went in spurs today, and maybe I'll switch back to the whip, since he's happier with that :lol:

[TrueColours]

Wow! :eek:

Nothing to add but these are hilarious!!! :lol:

[skykingismybaby1]

I was in the elevator lobby of a Manhattan office building with the head of marketing, who innocently asked me how my horse was. We entered the elevator and I told him that he had been running like a fool in the field all day and when I tried to jump him he had nothing left for me. He told the other men in the elevator that I had a horse.:o

[Rhyadawn]

These are just too funny!!!

I've done the usual, out with horsey friend at restaurant, talking about the new boy in the barn. How he was such a great ride, and how "of course you can try him!" and things such as that.

Oh, a good one! I was driving a couple kids home from camp (they didn't know I ride horses) and one of them was sleeping in the backseat. He woke up when we were stuck in traffic on the highway, and the first thing he sees is my whip and spurs at eye level beside his head. Freaked the kid out!!!

[egontoast]

Just reminds me of the time when i WAS at the front of a long line at the check out and buying a giant tube of preparation H . It's ..er.. for mmmy horse, i stuttered.

(and it was for the horse- itchy tail -but I wonder what they all thought.)

[mjrtango93]

Just reminds me of the time when i WAS at the front of a long line at the check out and buying a giant tube of preparation H . It's ..er.. for mmmy horse, i stuttered.

(and it was for the horse- itchy tail -but I wonder what they all thought.)

Yeah try doing that with a huge thing of KY Jelly when your, oh probably 15 at the time. Then try to explain that it's for the horse......well wait that probably didn't just help me at all. Please just take the money now so I can leave :lol:.

[sproonee]

(Let me preface this by saying I don't know if this is common practice or not, which is why I'm not a breeder!) but a friend of mine breeds quarter horses and she always gives the babies an enema after they're born. I happened to ride along with her to the drugstore one day to get them, but we couldn't find them, so we asked an employee where to find the enemas! He led us to a shelf and stood there google-eyed as we proceeded to dump like 20-30 boxes of them in the cart. =) Couldn't resist, we left him there wondering....

[Kate66]

This just reminded me of when I had a shipment of frozen semen sent. The USPS guy doing the delivery hands me the big cooler thing, that he had riding in this cab with him and said "hey what on earth is this?" My response "oh, it's sperm, thanks!" (with NO further explanation) - now, bear in mind this was delivered to a residence with probably no horse in sight. I don't think he could drive out of my driveway quick enough. Maybe I should have invited him in for a cup of tea just to see his face!!

[Schune]

The scenario - at a coffee shop, just chilling. Friend calls me to vent about her new mare and her bad habit of biting.

Me - "I don't care if she's only 3. Take whatever's handy and nail her with it, preferably right on the nose. Hand, brush, whip, whatever. She's a brat, and you let her be that way. You're the mom, you don't tolerate that crap."

Whoops. CPS anyone? :)

[Grataan]

I do this ALL THE TIME due to the nature of my job (I'm on the phone in between calls and run in to get lunch/coffee/drop off the mail etc)

most recently farmer called, thought bull had broken his penis

Me: "and Mr Jones, what did Mr Bigglesworth's penis look like?"
him:blah blah blah
Me: "is the swelling soft or hard?
him: blah blah blah
Me: And will he let you touch it?

Coupled with my one-armed coveralls I get some weird looks lol

[My2cents]

Years ago, sitting in my car with my friend at a full service gas station. We were discussing our riding lesson that we had both just had. Terms like, 'he likes it when I give him his head' and 'coming round' and 'feeling that ahh moment', seemed like innocent phrases, until I caught sight of the attendant in the rear view mirror. He had turned a bright shade of pink and was flustered when he came back to the window and asked for the money. When I looked up at the total $ and the gallons pumped, let's just say, he wasn't paying attention and I got about 4 gals. of gas that day for free.

[the lady of shalott]

These are great! I had totally forgotten this.

When I was in 8th grade we had bred our mare, so my parents and I had gone to the local drug store to buy an enema. I was being a typical shy teenage girl and just wanted to get OUT of there. So my dad decided to teach me a lesson and made me go BUY it all by myself. o.0 So I walk up to the two open lanes. One has a very cute college age boy in it the other a very old lady. So I walk up to the old lady and hand her the enema and my blush (which was already quite obvious) went about 10 shades more red. She gave me a quizzical look and I stammered out "Umm .. its err.. umm its... foaling season" she looks at me and says "errr. WHAT!?!?!? its bowling season???" And I step a little closer and say "no ... foaling season" She gets even more confused and says "Yes yes. bowling season. BUT WHY DO YOU NEED AN ENEMA FOR BOWLING?!?!!?"

I could've died. Everyone was looking at me (at least my 13 year old brain told me they were) And my dad was standing over by the doors laughing hysterically. I didn't go back into that store for close to 4 years!

[Czar]

The scenario - at a coffee shop, just chilling. Friend calls me to vent about her new mare and her bad habit of biting.

Me - "I don't care if she's only 3. Take whatever's handy and nail her with it, preferably right on the nose. Hand, brush, whip, whatever. She's a brat, and you let her be that way. You're the mom, you don't tolerate that crap."

Whoops. CPS anyone? :)

OMG :lol: Especially the "nail her with it" part :lol:

My sister and I were standing in line at a fast food restaurant a few years back and discussing our riding - her horse's name was Johnny and I was riding my mom's horse, George.

Went something like this:

"How was Johnny today?"

"Oh fine, I rode him forever, he just wouldn't give in..what about George?"

"He's a plug, the minute I get on he's already tired and takes all my leg strength to get him going."

:lol:

[Schune]

OMG :lol: Especially the "nail her with it" part :lol:

My sister and I were standing in line at a fast food restaurant a few years back and discussing our riding - her horse's name was Johnny and I was riding my mom's horse, George.

Went something like this:

"How was Johnny today?"

"Oh fine, I rode him forever, he just wouldn't give in..what about George?"

"He's a plug, the minute I get on he's already tired and takes all my leg strength to get him going."

:lol:

:lol:

I was going to say "beat the living shit out of her" but I didn't want to be offensive with my language, obviously. :lol:

[shawneeAcres]

At lunch one day I was with my ex-boyfriend. We used to stand four stallions at that time. So over lunch I ask him, "Do we need to breed two or three times tonight?" Some WEIRD looks from people next to us!!!

[x-rab]

Since my husband hunts, the vanity plate on his car says "Jump Ovr," for jumping over the fences. We drove out west one year in his car and were stopped for gas just south of Chicago when a very well dressed black lady approached our car. She wanted to thank us for giving her such a good laugh. We were clueless as to why she thought his license plate was funny until we found out that it is a custom in the black community to jump over a broom when they get married. It seems it dates back to the days of slavery when slaves were not officially allowed to marry, so they would jump over a broom together to marry themselves. So instead of jumping over a fence, we jumped over a broom and got married.

[kmp2707]

I had once brought in a picture to work of my gelding's sire. I was standing by the front reception desk, showing the picture to the receptionist. I said "This is my baby's father. He is huge and black and beautiful!" Little did I know there was someone waiting in the reception area to meet with one of our salespeople.:o

[katarine]

Tried a horse last weekend. Took a call from my trainer while at the grocery store.
My side:

yeah we went to check him out. It was a pitiful scene. I swear he was half dead. I felt so sorry for him, but he was just not for me, not my kind. Smelly, even- you know how they smell kinda funny when they're wormy? Yeah, that. yuck. Part of me wanted to take him and get him outta there but he's not right for me.

---

Wonder if the horrified onlookers thought I was a nursing home inspector , a piloting Obama's (mythic) death squads? I did get folks stepping wide to avoid me ;)

[Plumcreek]

I was in the 'Western Horseman' magazine offices once waiting for a female friend to go to lunch. Iwas standing in the doorway of the manager shooting the breeze about horse things, especially escalating (at that time) stud fees for different reining stallions. One of the non-horsey advertising account-type guys walked past, heard a few sentences, indicated the 60ish manager, and quipped "Isn't he a little OLD to be demanding a stud fee?"

For ONCE in my life I was quick: I replied "That's why we are haggling over price!" Manager did turn sort of red and laughed - hard to turn an old cowboy red.

[ahf]

I was in my office - which opens out onto a hall. Talking on the phone to a friend (name changed to protect the innocent), who had just agreed to let me have a couple of breeding doses he had in his tank. I asked how much per dose.....he hemmed, then he hawed....and I said - rather forcefully:

"But Jim! You've GOT to let me pay you for your semen!!!!!"

People stopped lIterally in their tracks outside my office. It was like a Twilight Zone episode.

And Jim replied..."My God - I've waited my whole life to hear a woman say that to me."

[Twiliath]

A few years ago, when my son was in the 6th grade, he had the part of Marley's ghost in "A Christmas Carol." Being Marley's ghost, he need to wear chains and things that go clank. Bless me, I had several short lengths of chain (to hang water buckets with), locks, snaps, etc., that I could wrap him up in so he could go "clank." I told him to please not let anyone know that his mother had a collections of whips and chains!

[MerlynLover]

Oh, I have quite a few of my own... but most are repetitive, so here are some others:

I have a gray horse that I like to dye odd colors every now and then with Kool-Aid (No harm to the horse and is supposed to come right out with soap and water... second half, not so much). The first time I tried it, I was dying him pink with Cherry Kool-Aid and miscalculated how much I would need to get the whole horse. Keep in mind, the Kool-Aid temporarily dyes hands as well... so I go driving off to the nearest grocery store in search of more Kool-Aid and go up to the register with blood red hands and get some weird looks. So I quickly say "I promise I did not kill anyone... I am dying my horse pink!" I swear their looks only got weirder... :P

Also, I went walking in to a movie rental store with a friend to rent a few movies that we still weren't sure on. A few feet before the entrance I think of a really good horse movie I know, but my friend hasn't ever heard of it. So I begin describing it to her as we enter the store, but I'm sure the clerk only heard something like:
"It's an awesome movie mostly because it has this really cute white Arab in it and the man that rides him isn't too bad either... And they go riding really hard sometimes with a bunch of guys chasing them..." etc. I only figured out why the clerk was looking at me like I was nuts after we left the store... *cue hysterics*

There is also a webpage with a whole list of stuff like this...
http://ultimatehorsesite.com/fun/joke_dontsay.html
...including some like:
Do you like my breast collar?
He had a bad attitude, so we castrated him
We're breeding tonight, want to watch?
He didn't try to run away when we drove the nails in
...and my personal favorite:
Nothing like 17 hands between your legs!

[Absolut Equestrian]

A friend of mine breeds miniature horses. Apparently, they find that the best "AV" to collect the mini stallions is in fact an extra large human condom. He has multiple stallions who breed a lot of mares, so trips to the drug store to buy boxes and boxes of XL condoms are quite common.

[TrueColours]

Yeah try doing that with a huge thing of KY Jelly when your, oh probably 15 at the time. Then try to explain that it's for the horse......well wait that probably didn't just help me at all. Please just take the money now so I can leave .


The only thing better than this was my old barn manager (male) going to the drug store to get several tubes of KY Jelly with his farm hand (also male) and standing in the line up and the barn manager asking him if he was SURE he got the non spermicidal variety as that was very very critically important

I am sure the looks from the other people in line were amazing! Non spermicidal??? 2 men??? why??? how is THAT supposed to work??? never mind ... I dont even want to know ... :no:

[DancingQueen]

I saw this thread and saved it for a long time. Thank you all for making it this good! Most of these things ought to have a splatter warning on them!

I'm hardly ever out in publick (quoting Ron White here) so I don't have anything good to add but if I come up with something I'll post right away!

[rideagoldenpony]

I've gotten many a strange look loading up on "lube" at the drug store to AI my mares!!!! :lol:

Though my husband has the best story -- I was in Scotland this spring, and wouldn't you know it missed one of my mares foaling. He was handling things and decided she needed an enema. Well, I try to keep a good stock, but we'd run out, so he dropped by the small local grocery store and bought them out of all they had. And of course, being The Junk Food King, he just *had* to get a box of donuts......... and he proceeded to tell the surprised clerk "I always buy enemas with my donuts!" :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: