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View Full Version : Does this e-mail sound good? (response to someonelooking for someone to show a horse)



Beau Cheval
Aug. 3, 2009, 09:44 PM
Hello,
I saw your post on _____ and I would be thrilled to have the opportunity to ride and show your horse. I have been riding since I was 5, and I am now 15. I currently train with TRAINER at BARN, but I just returned from a working student position with BARN. A private show barn in COUNTY. I got the opportunity to ride my boss's adult jumper in a lesson, as well as the opportunity to ride a former Big Eq horse and show him in modified childrens hunters at A HORSESHOW(we planned on Novice but due to the weather I ended up showing in the Modified's.) We got two fifth places out of almost 30 riders in torrential rain. I had only ridden him 3 times before we went into the show ring. I trained with TRAINER while I was at my job. Recently, I have been riding a challenging small horse who is not capable mentally or physically of jumping the 3'-3'3, so I can't claim to be currently doing that division. I have done lower jumpers on difficult horses, so with a little time, experience and patience I am confident I could make the leap, so to speak. Due to finances, I have not had the opportunities to show many riders have, however, I am extremely dedicated to improving my riding and horsemanship. I genuinely love horses, and I would be thrilled to get the opportunity to move up in my riding. Please e-mail me back or call me at PHONE NUMBER to further discuss the possibility of me getting to show your horse.
Thanks so much for your time.
NAME

ETA: They are looking for someone to show their 3'-3'3 jumper.

I have, in the past, jumped a small, challenging horse that height, so I feel confident that in a short period of time I could move up to that level with a horse that is seasoned at that height. I felt comfortable jumped 3' lines while schooling at my working student job, and I really understand the way a jumper goes and feel like it's what I'm meant to do. That sounded sappy, sorry.

*JumpIt*
Aug. 3, 2009, 09:57 PM
It sounds good to me but I would try and see if you could section it off into 2 or 3 paragraphs instead of one giant paragraph, just looks neater and more professional.

make x it x so
Aug. 3, 2009, 10:10 PM
It's probably just a typo but in case you didn't notice,

" I currently train with TRAINER at BARN, but I just returned from a working student position with BARN. A private show barn in COUNTY. "

should be

I currently train with TRAINER at BARN, but I just returned from a working student position with BARN, a private show barn in COUNTY.



Other than that, sounds good, although I second the idea of dividing it up into smaller paragraphs.

dghunter
Aug. 3, 2009, 10:12 PM
Hello,
I got the opportunity to ride my boss's adult jumper in a lesson, as well as the opportunity to ride a former Big Eq horse and show him in modified childrens hunters at A HORSESHOW(we planned on Novice but due to the weather I ended up showing in the Modified's.)

Due to finances, I have not had the opportunities to show many riders have, however, I am extremely dedicated to improving my riding and horsemanship.

I felt comfortable jumped 3' lines while schooling at my working student job, and I really understand the way a jumper goes and feel like it's what I'm meant to do.

English major here so I have a few nit picky things. Bolded things are mine.
I really do not like the use of the word "got" in formal writing when avoidable. In your case I would use the word "had" as in "I had the opportunity..."

The second one I bolded was because it seems like you left out a word. To me it should read "to show AS many riders have."

The third part I bolded because "jumped" should be "jumping" as in "I felt comfortable jumping 3' lines."

Also agree on separating into paragraphs.

ETA: I would also start off your letter/e-mail by introducing yourself by name.

BabyGreen
Aug. 3, 2009, 10:17 PM
With the grammatical issues resolved, and other suggestions implemented, I think it will be a pretty good letter. Good luck to you. (I'd give you a try).

Beau Cheval
Aug. 3, 2009, 10:22 PM
Hello,

My name is _________. I saw your post on _____ and I would be thrilled to have the opportunity to ride and show your horse. I have been riding since I was 5, and I am now 15. I currently train with TRAINER at BARN, but I just returned from a working student position with BARN, a private show barn in County. I trained with TRAINER while I was at my job. I had the opportunity to ride my boss's adult jumper in a lesson, as well as the opportunity to ride a former Big Eq horse and show him in modified childrens hunters at SHOW(we planned on Novice but due to the weather I ended up showing in the Modified's.) We got two fifth places out of almost 30 riders in torrential rain. I had only ridden him 3 times before we went into the show ring.
Recently, I have been riding a challenging small horse who is not capable mentally or physically of jumping the 3'-3'3, so I can't claim to be currently doing that division. I have done lower jumpers on difficult horses, so with a little time, experience and patience I am confident I could make the leap, so to speak. I have, in the past, jumped a small, challenging horse that height, so I feel confident that in a short period of time I could move up to that level with a horse that is seasoned at that height. I felt comfortable jumping 3' lines while schooling at my working student job, and I really understand the way a jumper goes and feel like it's what I'm meant to do.
Due to finances, I have not had the opportunities to show that many riders have, however, I am extremely dedicated to improving my riding and horsemanship. I genuinely love horses, and I would be thrilled to get the opportunity to move up in my riding. Please e-mail me back or call me at NUMBER to further discuss the possibility of me showing your horse.
Thank you very much for your time,
NAME

*JumpIt*
Aug. 4, 2009, 07:27 AM
Looks good, just be sure to space between each paragraph and indent at each new one.

:)

3eme
Aug. 4, 2009, 08:22 AM
I would make it shorter and punchier, maybe with bullet points of your achievements. It's too wordy, and someone might not want to read all the way through. Also, the part where you talk about 'taking a lesson' with your employers horse would do nothing for me, if I were looking for someone to ride my horse. Kind of makes me think "so what?".

Am I harsh? I don't mean to be. Good luck. :)

BabyGreen
Aug. 4, 2009, 10:04 AM
I might also remove the phrase "due to financial reasons" and somehow rephrase it to look less desperate, maybe say something about finding opportunities to show while working to advance your professional goals.

tyedyecommando
Aug. 4, 2009, 10:23 AM
I might also remove the phrase "due to financial reasons" and somehow rephrase it to look less desperate, maybe say something about finding opportunities to show while working to advance your professional goals.

Is this like a fee lease situation where you would be expected to pay entries, training fees etc. If so, I think the finances thing would set off a red flag.