Going to a horse show but not showing...some drama and need some advice.

[RegentLion]

I would like to start by saying that no matter how stupid this situation sounds, I'm feeling a LOT of anxiety over it.

In 2007 and 2008 I showed my horse on a local open circuit. In 2007 I won multiple awards and great prizes. I had a fantastic time with my friends, hanging out, camping, etc. I was SO THRILLED by my experiences that I volunteered to be on the organization's board for 2008.

BOY was THAT a thrill. :rolleyes: It was not a fantastic experience, but I thought "hey, I'm helping out, I had a great year last year, I should put in my time...etc." Well in 2008 I had a similar showing record (we did great) and a great time with my FRIENDS. But the other people in the organization (both board members and individuals showing at the shows) made it less enjoyable. The reasons are not relevant. This year (2009) I am NOT on the board. My husband put his foot down..... :sadsmile:

This year, I decided I was sick of being the big fish in the small pond. I am teaching my horse a new discipline and decided in February of this year simply not to show at the open shows. No problemo. Then in May, my horse got sick and all my showing plans for the entire summer (in the new discipline) are scrapped. Hopefully he's on the road to recovery but at this time he is not being ridden. AT ALL.

The problem? In social situations when I see individuals from the organization, I'm given the 3rd degree. Not in a "hey we haven't seen you this year" type of way but a "WHY AREN'T YOU SHOWING AND SUPPORTING THE CLUB?!?" type of way. I am telling people the truth (I'm not showing this summer) and they always press me as to why.... being the weenie I am, I tell the truth ("my horse is sick") and invariably instead of asking how he is, they say things such as "WELL YOU CAN SHOW MY BABY HORSE!" (That is a quote. And the "baby" is an unbroken 5 year old. Yes she was serious.).

They always also hound me to volunteer as a ring steward/gate person, what have you.

Now I wouldn't mind going to be a steward/gate person or whatever, but I can't bear to face all the ridicule/questions/DRAMA about why I'm not showing... or the questions as to why my FRIENDS aren't showing here either. (They have limited money and decided to spend their $ on rated shows. They actually went to one show and were verbally accosted.... and quizzed as to where I was!!!)

The last two shows I've been out of town. This show, I'm going to be IN TOWN and actually am going to help out a friend of mine from out of town. She's got a new horse and needs an extra pair of hands to get him ready. Her daughter is also showing and (understandably) my friend is willing to sacrifice her own show experience to make sure her daughter has a great one. I'm going to go help so they can BOTH finally show. That and hang out and have girl time :D. To be clear; I am NOT their trainer, NOR am I being paid. I'm volunteering.

The problem is that at the show I'm going to be hounded incessently. I don't know what to say to get people off my back! I know that COTH has a great repitoire of sayings to SHUT PEOPLE UP. I'd love to use them. I don't want to ring steward or be a gate person or do ribbons. I just want to help my friends. If they weren't going, it would be different and I MIGHT volunteer. I just want to go and have a good time without drama.

I'm probably overly stressed about this situation. Any suggestions would be great. Even if it is to tell me to grow a back bone and stop being a weenie!

[Roan]

I've found that the magic words, "I don't want to" or "no thank you", repeated as necessary, usually shuts people up.

Don't give an inch, regardless of what they ask or say. It's none of their business and YOU don't need to make excuses.

Why aren't you riding/showing? I don't want to.
Why not? Because I don't want to.
WHY NOT? Because I don't want to. REPEAT.
Why don't you ride my horse? No, thank you.
Why not? Because I don't want to.

Don't make excuses and don't explain. Just say, "NO!"

Eileen

[MoonWitch]

It's your happiness - your decision and none of THEIR business why you choose to do!! No one can make you feel bad unless you give them permission to do so (thank you Dr. Phil).

I think the best approach is to smile mysteriously and just say "I had my reasons" or "I wasn't aware I'd be so missed" type of reply, without giving them the satisfaction of an "answer". Someone gave me a good bit of advice on how to reply to such a question - "why do you want to know?". It puts it back on them without making you come up with a long discussion or feeling like you have to defend your actions! Plus there is that aire of mystery and we could all use a bit of that!:cool:

Now, run along and be happy with your decisions! If you are at peace, then peace shall follow you! Blessed Be...

[bort84]

That's weird. I used to show a LOT on the local circuit when I was younger (my grandma was a trainer) and we also went to very big shows. We belonged to the local clubs, and this kind of stuff was never a problem. If we showed up to a show just to watch or had fewer horses on the local circuit from one year to the next, we never got hounded at club meetings or shows. People were always glad to see us and our customers and friends either way.

Perhaps you give off that "I just can't say no" vibe... You'll have to work on that = ) People can smell it from miles away. Just explain that your horse is sick but you really don't have the time to commit to any additional responsibilities right now. Be firm. If someone gets their panties in a twist, who cares? A lot of those people randomly blow up because they are stressed with all of the club responsibilities but calm down pretty quickly. If they don't, do you care? I know you want to keep the peace in the area, so just be diplomatic and polite, and nobody can fault you for that.

Don't make too many excuses, and don't say "well, maaaaybe next time." I have a friend who always does that and is always getting taken advantage of. Just be firm and polite, then drop it and swiftly change the subject - "You know, I just don't have time for any additional responsibilities right now, but I'm so flattered you thought of me. So, how's little Suzie doing?" Like that = )

[cnvh]

Might not be the advice you're looking for, but time to grow some thicker skin... "NO" is a complete sentence, after all...

Roan has given you the only two lines you're going to need. Repeat them over and over again in your head and out loud until your tongue hurts. If asked/quizzed/hounded, smile and repeat as often as necessary. :biggrin:

[Dispatcher]

I've found that the magic words, "I don't want to" or "no thank you", repeated as necessary, usually shuts people up.

Don't give an inch, regardless of what they ask or say. It's none of their business and YOU don't need to make excuses.

Why aren't you riding/showing? I don't want to.
Why not? Because I don't want to.
WHY NOT? Because I don't want to. REPEAT.
Why don't you ride my horse? No, thank you.
Why not? Because I don't want to.

Don't make excuses and don't explain. Just say, "NO!"

Eileen

This is a classic!. I can think of lots of other situations to use this in. LOVE IT!

[stryder]

"I needed to (or chose to) allocate my resources differently," may work for the first round of questions.

"Now run along and stop hounding me" said with a firm smile, will work for the follow-ups.

[trubandloki]

I was going to suggest a simple answer of 'oh I am helping my friends out this time'. It gives an answer for everything and it is truthful.

But after reading MoonWitch's response of "I wasn't aware I'd be so missed" I like it much better.

[terasa]

No idea what to say, except our local club works pretty much the same way. I help out when and where I can, but have had young horses the last couple of years that I've been letting grow up. Nothing of real riding age. So I'm all too familiar with the comments re: 'never' riding, not supporting the club anymore, etc. My mare turned 4 this spring and I was excited to finally get out more on her. Of course she had a bad trim and was off for about 2 months this spring. So I was getting piles of comments on that, because, after all, I said I'd be riding.
There's a core group of people behind it all. They mean well, and are trying to drum up support and participation- something that is lacking around here. But they go about it in sort of a bullying way and tend to put people off more than encourage them.
I try to take it as a bit of a compliment, ie they miss me and would like to see me out more. But I know how you feel- I've been known to avoid watching high profile clinics or club shows due to the inevitable 20 or 100 questions about why I'm not riding in said clinic or show, they really were hoping for a better turnout, etc etc, making you feel annoyed and guilty all at the same time.

[Foxtrot's]

Always flog a willing horse - after years of competing and contributing I now want to back off a bit. I've paid my dues over and over again. I don't mind orgainzing and volunteering, enjoy it actually, but the loong days in the blazing heat, rain or freezing cold have lost their alllure. I sometimes will agree to help, but stipulate a half day. My main answer when asked and do not want to - for whatever reason - is that I have paid my dues and when some of the other 'takers' do their share of payback, I will be glad to.

[shakeytails]

"Now run along and stop hounding me" said with a firm smile, will work for the follow-ups.

I love that one!

[Beverley]

Yep- what Roan said.

I do a lot of volunteering, and soliciting of volunteers. If I can't do something, I Just Say No. Don't really care what they think. And likewise, if someone says no when I ask, no big deal, life goes on, they don't need to explain to me. I have long since learned to live with the fact that in any volunteer organization or undertaking, 10% of the people do 90% of the work.

I'll bet you the beverage of your choice that the very individuals who are hassling you are among the first to Just Say No when asked to do something.

I can tell you that I said no to helping one outfit I belong to with a particular activity this year. My reason (not that I needed one, but just to fill you in) was simply I was going to go help out another outfit with an activity I've missed every year because of my help at this one. The funny thing is, when this year's President asked me and I said no, he probably had absolutely no recollection that last year, when I was President and asked HIM to help, he gave me a flat out no, too.:)

[rabicon]

If they ask tell them your helping a friend. If they ask you why your not showing tell them your horse is sick and that you took up a different dis. and will not be showing there anymore. Plan and simple.
You can take the No route also.

[Giddy-up]

I find wearing sunglasses & a hat/visor also helps. I am a lot "tougher" then. :lol:

Seriously--it's nobody's business but yours what you choose to do. Just think how fabulously cool your life must appear to others if they have to grill you on it. ;)

[mbm]

personally i think they can smell that you are feeling defensive..... and so will "attack" more.

you will want to exude a feeling of confidence and radiate warmth. beem it at people. and when someone asks you why you arent contributing - tell them the truth. "i got burnt out" , " my horse is off and i am using this time to work on some other projects" or whatever.

but the minute you are rude, or tell a lie etc people will know and it will make matters worse.

and remember - these are your neighbors and you may need them some time in the future. ....

so treat them as you want to be treated and for anyone that gets too aggressive learn the fine art of walking away.

:)

i guess what i am trying to say is:" you control how you feel and how folk can affect you. you can also control to a degree how folks respond to you. so take control :)

[RegentLion]

Thanks guys for buoying me up! I'm leaving in a few minutes for tonight's fun and adventure at The Horse Show.

I know it sounds strange to some of you that there is all this StUPID drama at an open show, but it is par for the course with this group. Everyone is VERY competitive with each other, although most don't put out the time, effort, or money to be TRULY competitive.

There is always gossip, rumors, drama, etc, you name it. Everyone brings their drama lama and goes to town. It is always "who can beat who" and the parents on the rail even get into it with opening umbrellas in front of the horses that typically do well. So I think some of the problem is that I *did* do very well for two years running and there are some sour grapes. That is one big reason I changed circuits and disciplines. No fun beating everyone over and over again. Just didn't seem fair.

It is just such a cesspool of bad emotions there. I know some people are glad I'm NOT showing... where as the people that run it are seeing one less competitor and therefore less $$ into the coffers. Blech.

However it is a great place to get some good milage on a young horse or for kids looking to show. Although there IS more drama with us adults than the kids, there is drama there as well. As I'm typing this I wonder why I'm even going to help.....


But anyway, thanks. I'll let you know how it goes. Tonight should be low key as everyone is just trailering in. I think I'll pick a stock few answers and use them over and over and over. "I don't know" will work great for when being quizzed about my buddies.... and I think that "No thank you" will also be a great one. Or "NO, sorry!" With a smile might also be great.

I WILL NOT be making excuses. :D Thanks again.

[Keepthepeace]

I don't know what to say to get people off my back! I know that COTH has a great repitoire of sayings to SHUT PEOPLE UP. I'd love to use them. I don't want to ring steward or be a gate person or do ribbons. I just want to help my friends. If they weren't going, it would be different and I MIGHT volunteer. I just want to go and have a good time without drama.!

The next time someone comes up and starts bugging you about volunteering or riding THEIR horse, simply give them a BIG smile and say "no thank you, I'm REALLY enjoying having the time off and enjoying just coming to the show to help my friends! It's a refreshing change!" If they look like they are about to say more a "gotta go now" and off you go girl...:yes:

[J-Lu]

I like what Roan says but i think there's a better way to approach it.

Person: Why aren't you showing? You: I don't want to. Person: WHY? You used to show all the time?????

I would not recommend saying something like you don't "want" to because that begs a followup question. Why don't you "want" to anymore? And people do get genuinely curious about things and ask questions. Especially if you state that your horse is sick. Some people will want to know about the health of your horse. Some people are genuinely concerned that you're leaving the scene. Some people are show organizers and feel like they need to rely on you. i doubt that they're 'attacking' you.

I would say something simple like "we're doing some different things right now, but I still support these shows which is why I'm volunteering". or "we're taking a break from showing in this discipline and are doing some different and fun things, but I still support these shows which is whyI'm volunteering". Person: Why aren't you doing this discipline? Me: we're having fun trying a new challenge.

There's really nothing to say back to that. And you state that you are still supporting the show. It's really that simple. there's no need to say that your horse is sick unless you want to discuss it with that person.

A person asking you to ride their horse is a compliment to your riding. Treat it as such. Decline graciously. "Thank you for thinking of me but I really am too busy to give your horse the attention he deserves".

[RegentLion]

THANK YOU for all the advice. I'm home now and had a great time!:D

Lots of people who asked were genuinely curious or concerned. Some were snarky and pushy.

I answered people very kindly but very simply. Usually I said "I didn't feel like it" or "I'm taking a break." If they were shocked (I usually show quite a bit) and said "not at ALL?!?" Then I said, "Well I did a few in (new discipline) in the beginning of the summer and maybe I'll do a few more at the end." That shut them up.

If they asked about my horse and his health (some people knew he was sick) then I answered "He's improving, the vet will be out to check him again soon, then I will know more." So that shut them up too.

I also stayed VERY visably busy with my friends so that really curtailed any "volunteer recruiters." Also, it was fortunate that the worst of the lot was announcing and so was safely busy in the booth. ;)

In the end it was soooo much better than I thought it would be.... but thanks to all the thoughtful replies, I was STRONG and able to think back to this thread whenever someone got pushy. THANK YOU GUYS. Feels good to have delt with this situation well. Gives me confidence for "next time." ;)

[Lucassb]

I'm glad it went well!

I was once in a similar situation... I put my time in, tried to help, learned that the group really didn't *want* help - they just wanted to do the same stuff they always did, just with a successful outcome instead. :confused:

Like you, I went to one of the events after I quit, to help a friend with a green horse. Got exactly the reception you described, and decided just to be frank.

Club person, "Hey, how come we never see you at meetings anymore?"
Me: "My term on the board ended; I'm not on the committee anymore."
Club, "But we NEED you!"
Me, "I have done my share."
Club, "But WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?"
At which point, I looked them square in the eye, and said, "Because of conversations like this. Gotta go."

[snbess]

I tell the truth:
I needed a break.
It wasn't fun.
My mare and I aren't a good team at shows.
I have more fun supporting my friends.

I did get the question yesterday and got the "well, you have to keep at it so it gets easier" response. The person is entitled to his opinion. And I still don't have to show. No sweat off my back.

Most people who care about you will accept the truth. Others...well, you need to not care about them maybe.

I hope you do have fun!

[nightsong]

Glad that you had fun and found some things to say! I think that you were still too apologetic and that your responses wouldn't work with the more aggressive members of this group. And that the responses on this thread are way too rude; *I* could never say them. A firm "I'd rather not" works STELLARLY with me.

[TheJenners]

Or you could just stare...I've found that works wonderfully.