How to leave & still stay friends?

[Petro]

Posting under an alter just because it's a small world and I don't want to take even a 0.0001% chance that this could come back to haunt me! ;)

A move to a new barn is likely in the near future and I'm hoping for some advice on the best way to approach leaving with my current barn owner. Things have gone well here and I've been mostly happy for several years, but a barn with a better fit is being built and I think my horse would be happier there.

I don't want to burn bridges with my current barn owner. I really like her and want to remain friends, but she has not always taken such decisions by other boarders well in the past and I'm a bit nervous. I have a game plan somewhat sketched out, but let's face it, this could get very uncomfortable and I would like to avoid as much unpleasantness as possible. Thirty days can be a veeeerrrrrryyyyyyy long time once notice has been given. I would hate to end up paying board on two different stalls just to avoid being in a difficult situation.

What's worked for you? Present her with a nice bottle of Scotch and thank her for everything? How did you explain that there's just a better fit somewhere else? How did you explain that what the owner thought was bending over backwards for you actually wasn't.....your ideas and hers just weren't really in sync????

Thanks in advance for any suggestions of things that have worked for you in the past or things that didn't work and strategies to avoid.

[kashmere]

You definitely don't need to explain what made her barn a worse fit than the new barn - I would advise against it! :lol: Were I in your shoes, I would probably opt for the gift/thanks route. Be polite, give your notice on time, and let her know that you've appreciated all her hard work - it's really all you can do. Your BO has an obligation to be polite/professional as well, and it's up to her to uphold her part of the bargain :)

[Extreme Chaos]

Make up a good excuse. Is the new barn cheaper, closer to home, has something your current barn doesn't have?
If the BO had problems with people leaving in the past, I would handle her with kid gloves.:D

[Nes]

Some people will get upset no matter what you do; but give plenty of time on your notice will go along way and make sure you clean up after yourself :)

Just make sure you don't start blabbing to the other boarders no matter how excited you are about the new barn, that will really upset the owner.

[spurgirl]

As a (small) barn owner, I've never cared why people left-and most did because they built their own barns. One woman who did leave gave several silly reasons-and for some reason made up a lie as to where she was going. Guess what? I didn't really care, she was a barn hopper, and only stayed in one place a year or two, started drama, then would leave...Did the same thing to the next BO, who I knew casually. It left a bad taste in the mouth, however, as she did not need to lie to me.
I would merely say, and put THE DATE IN WRITING, "Hi BO, I'm giving my 30 day notice today, and will be moving Dobbin on -----.Thank you so much taking such good care of my horse for xx years. Due to a personal and private situation, a move is neccessary at this time. I will certainly recommend your facility to anyone who asks, and again, I appreciate your professional care of my horse these past xx years. Sincerely, ZZZ".

Unless your horse was outright abused, you both should certainly be cordial about the whole thing. If you weren't "in sync" with her management/training, don't go out of your way to p*ss her off...just say it's a personal reason-THEN, if she gets snippy, you've got trouble.

[AnotherRound]

1. Make sure the reason you give for leaving is not personal, and is something like "closer to home" or they have the pasture your old place doesn't. Eeven something like paying way cheaper board. Can you come back for 1x a month training? That would be nice.

2. Tell her how much you will miss the place and what specifically you will miss.

3. If is is nearby, say you want to try to get some trail riding in with her, is she interested

4 - Really the main thing is: if you want to STAY friends, make sure you ARE friends.

[gloriginger]

I wouldn't give a reason- you don't need to. This is a business transaction and if the contract states 30 days notice in writing then provide that. IMO any excuse is going to come back to bite you. I tried the closer to home- and it was 20 minutes versus 45- BO thought that wasn't "closer" enough to matter. I do think it is nice to thank the BO for their care. This is what I would say:


Dear BO-

I have decided to move Naggie at the end of x month. Thank you for all the kind loving care you provided to Naggie while he was boarded at your farm. I enjoyed my time here and hope that we keep in touch in the future.

My best-

You

[FindersKeepers]

Less information is the way to go. Spurgirl's mock letter is perfect.

If you have a valid fact to use as a reason, go for it. (closer to home, cheaper, certain trainer, etc.) Otherwise, just say there is a personal situation requiring the move, that has nothing to do with the barn owner or other boarders.

But be prepared. It likely will get sticky and uncomfortable. When I was in college, I barn hopped a bit, for financial reasons. Only 1 move went smoothly with no hard feelings... and that was a lease. The girl leasing didn't want to renew for the next year, she wanted to move more in a pleasure riding direction, and her parents weren't going to pay to continue leasing a show horse when she had 2 others of her own, so I took her back. Every other move, things are said, people whisper, and rumors fly.

And remember, leaving a barn is like breaking up with a long time boyfriend. Sure you'd love to be friends, but sometimes a little time and distance to cushion the immediate shock and hurt is needed first. Don't push it, just stay calm.

[je.suis]

Despite being nice and cordial, grown up and considerate, the owner's bottom line is the board check. Unless money isn't an issue, expect a bit of drama and chilly receptions when you go after giving notice. Little barns suffer when someone leaves as there is NO MONEY in boarding horses, but having the monthly funds are necessary to keep a place going. Perhaps in time, the owner will meet you at a show and realize you are above all the common nastiness which often follows a move and welcome you as a friend. If not, well, you're better off without that kind of friendship.

[Blugal]

Don't give any specific reason, especially one they can reply to. If you say it's for cheaper board, then they'll ask how much, and might even offer to cut you a deal. That's not what you want. Then you'll have to use another reason/excuse, and might get flustered, say something you didn't want to say, etc.

[eponacelt]

I wouldn't give a reason- you don't need to. This is a business transaction and if the contract states 30 days notice in writing then provide that. IMO any excuse is going to come back to bite you. I tried the closer to home- and it was 20 minutes versus 45- BO thought that wasn't "closer" enough to matter. I do think it is nice to thank the BO for their care. This is what I would say:


Dear BO-

I have decided to move Naggie at the end of x month. Thank you for all the kind loving care you provided to Naggie while he was boarded at your farm. I enjoyed my time here and hope that we keep in touch in the future.

My best-

You

I think this is really the way to go. No matter how friendly you've become with the BO while you've been there, always remember that at the heart of things, you are a paying client. You have the right to move - and you frankly, don't need any reason at all. Which is why you don't need to give one. As long as you're honest and kind about giving notice, she can't really fault you for anything.

[Delkredere]

Honestly, I don't know in this day and age if it is possible.

The person leaving needs to be honest why they are leaving. The person hearing why needs to be open in accepting the honest reason why. People do not take honesty well anymore in this day and age. They think it is better to give a reason they think might be "nicer" to hear, or let someone down with. Thing is, that might sound better at the time, but when the person you basically lied to finds out the real reason you left, then where are you? You will be looked down even worse upon as a liar.

There will be frustration felt from the person you are leaving... no matter what. As another above posted stated, that is their business, and if a small farm owner, part of their already limited income. It will be hard on them, and why shouldn't they be able to be a bit upset. It's like being fired, and losing a job... should they be "YEAHHHH!!!!"... being a bit upset is only a natural human responce.

My suggestion would be to to be 100% honest, no BS, and let them know you understand your leaving will be a financial bump in the road, and back things up by recomfirming your security of the 30 day notice. (I had a recent boarder who was not going to give me 30 days.. I simply left a nice note in her box reminding her before she left of the remaining portion of 30 days left due, and there were no issues. Her issues of why she was leaving were not mine, as my issues of her leaving were not hers.)

If you are friends, TRUE friends, there should not be an issue. If you are just "barn buddies" you may just have to move on, as you are from the barn. Thing is, once you leave, YOU may have to work on the friendship some. The one you left may feel let down by you, and you may have to make some extra afforts to solidify the friendship again for a transitional period of time. (As the person who recently left my place has shown no interest in being friends. That is their perogative.)

Last thing to remember: The horse world is a small world. Don't burn bridges you may once try to come back to. The best way to do that... honesty with tact and respect.

[LSM1212]

I would love to say that it is possible. But alot of time, that just doesn't happen. And not only w/ the BO/BM/T but the people that you used to board w/ too.

I just left my old barn about 2 weeks ago. It went just fine. Not sure if I'll ever talk to the BO/BM/T again, though I'm sure I'll see her from time to time... but I have kept in touch with one boarder and we will remain friends. But I had pretty solid reasons for leaving that couldn't be disputed or negotiated. So giving those reasons for leaving wasn't an issue.

The old barn is mostly kids (95%) now. Management changed about a year and a half ago and all of the adults left shortly after that change over and I was the only one that remained. 2 more adults came in over a period of time, but it's still mostly kids. And that's the program they want to focus on. With the management change, the discipline switched from Hunters to Eventing. I did dabble w/ the Eventing stuff while I was there but I really want to do Hunters again.

So my reason for leaving? I want to be around more people in my age group and get back into doing Hunters. I moved to a barn where I have quite a few of my adult horse friends there already. And they have a Hunter trainer too. So, it made sense. Nothing personal... just the old place wasn't working for me anymore.

Now, there were many other reasons why I decided to move. But listing those would have been personal and there really wasn't any reason to go into that. Things weren't going to change so why bother.

A good friend of mine told me that everyone goes through different stages in their "horse life". Where a certain place will work for your current needs but then those needs change. And moving to a new place that meets those new needs is best. We spend way too much money on this hobby to not be happy.

But I learned from an old boarding experience (years ago)... never to be-friend the staff (ie. BO, BM, T, help, etc). That it's all business. But chatting and be-friending fellow barnmates is okay. :D

I'm hoping my one friend who is still there will eventually move over too. Not so the old barn loses business, but because I think she's going to get pretty lonely there soon. She and I hung out together alot and with me gone, she won't have that anymore. And the other adult is pretty hit or miss. It was the one thing that made my decision to leave kinda hard.

Good luck!

[greysandbays]

A good friend of mine told me that everyone goes through different stages in their "horse life". Where a certain place will work for your current needs but then those needs change. And moving to a new place that meets those new needs is best. We spend way too much money on this hobby to not be happy.



Why is this not self-evident to barn owners/managers?

Boarders are like stray tom cats. They show up, they stay a while, and sooner or later, they move on (or get chased off). Some stay longer than others, and some are friendlier than others, but the overwhelming odds are that they will be temporary.

My grandpa had a saying about things that were inevitable and a waste of time and energy to fret and fume about: "That's the nature of the the beast". It's a philosophy that spares a lot of people a lot of drama.

[myhorsefaith]

Its possible to leave on good terms.

I left a barn because i needed more riding amenities when starting a horse. i told the bo that i loved her place (i still do), but dobbin needs an arena with lites. you know what? i also moved a horse back there that wasn't in work a year or so later. just recently she emailed me to say hello and tell me she missed seeing my mares in her pasture, but wished us well.

When i left the barn w/ amenities, i did because i was moving and needed to move the horses closer to my new home. i still talk to that barn owner every few months or so- they are almost like family. Actually, same situation for 2 barns (i used to keep 3 horses across 3 barns for different reasons prior to consolidating!)

I recently moved from a situation that started good but going south, but was friendly with the BO. I'd never move back there, but we still chat from time to time.

There is only 1 barn i can think of in the last 6 years that i was nervous about leaving. In most cases, i just felt badly due to the lack of business i was giving the BO. In the one instance i was nervous, i had every right to be, and ended up moving the horse before 30 days was up and paid double board. it wasn't worth the risk.

[honeydoozy]

Wow.

Been there, done that. Almost exactly, and I totally understand your dilemma. It's hard when you know what's best for you, but you also know that others won't feel the same way.

For a variety of good reasons, I chose to deliver my notice in person, with a check for the 30 days - and then moved my horse to the new barn the next day. Yes, I did take a financial hit doing that, but I think that it allowed me to keep moving forward *without drama*. Leaving IS like breaking up with someone, and break ups are more painful when you have to see each other every day. A clean break is *always* best.


That's my experience, anyway.

(Feel free to PM me if you want)

[Ecks Marx The Spot]

I just left a barn that for all purposes was pretty happy at. I had the opportunity to move to a place better suited for me and my horse, so I decided to do it.

What I did was tell the BO that I had decided to put my horse into "training" ( which is totally true I am taking weekly lessons at that barn) and would be leaving. I gave him 30 days notice, paid thru the next 30 days of board, and left as soon as I could make arrangements. Yes I had to spend more $$( extra $100) that way, but it was worth it to not burn bridges with a barn I could see myself returning to if it did not work out at the NEW barn like I hoped.Besides he let me borrow his trailer to move my horse to the new place!
I thanked him very much for his great care, and recommended someone to him that might take my stall.

I totally agree that a clean quick break is best. Once you make up your mind to leave, then you start to find fault with everything, and the BO might too!

[Petro]

Lots of good advice - thanks! More than anything it reinforces for me that my original plans are appropriate. I plan to give notice in person when I pay board for the last month I will be in my current barn, explain that I have been happy there but that based on particular circumstances I will be moving. I am hopeful that things will go well, but if they don't I am prepared to pay double board to be out from under an unpleasant situation. I have absolutely no concerns that I would need to worry about my horse's care or well-being, but my barn time is my Zen time and I need it to be restful and low drama!

I will definitely be using some of the wording in the letters folks have suggested – that makes my life easier! (I am planning on giving written notice in addition to meeting with her - it just seems the more business-like thing to do.) Honeydoozy you’re right, this is like breaking up with someone! It’s hard to break up with someone who’s really great but just isn’t great for you anymore, but I guess that’s part of what being an adult is about.

Boarders are like stray tom cats. They show up, they stay a while, and sooner or later, they move on (or get chased off). Some stay longer than others, and some are friendlier than others, but the overwhelming odds are that they will be temporary.

I have to tell you, this practically made me spit wine on my computer screen! (And no, I’m not really an alcoholic but I did just get home after having to work evening shift. That post-work glass of wine while surfing the COTH board is a good thing.)

Keep the stories coming….good & bad……I’ve got a few more weeks until I give my notice (stalls are being built) and I want to be as prepared as possible!

[IronwoodFarm]

I guess I am a weird BO, but I don't think that my boarders are signing on for life when they arrive. People come and go for various reasons. My contract calls for a 30 day notice and there is never an issue. It's business and my business plan anticipates turn-over among the boarders.

I have no idea about the OP's BO, but surely she has a website and advertises that she accepts boarders on various lists. I advertise year round, even if I am full. Filling a slot with a 30 day notice isn't a particular challenge because I tend to have a waiting list.

As a BO, I don't like to burn bridges with departing boarders. Former boarders have been a great referral source for me. Besides, who has time for lots of barn drama? I think the OP should approach the whole transaction in a positive and pleasant manner. That's really all you can do. Hopefully the BO will respond accordingly.

[LSM1212]

I guess I am a weird BO, but I don't think that my boarders are signing on for life when they arrive. People come and go for various reasons. My contract calls for a 30 day notice and there is never an issue. It's business and my business plan anticipates turn-over among the boarders.

I have no idea about the OP's BO, but surely she has a website and advertises that she accepts boarders on various lists. I advertise year round, even if I am full. Filling a slot with a 30 day notice isn't a particular challenge because I tend to have a waiting list.

As a BO, I don't like to burn bridges with departing boarders. Former boarders have been a great referral source for me. Besides, who has time for lots of barn drama? I think the OP should approach the whole transaction in a positive and pleasant manner. That's really all you can do. Hopefully the BO will respond accordingly.

I wouldn't say weird... but I would say out of the norm. I completely agree with you. And on paper and in theory that is how it should be. But in this crazy horse world, you just don't know.

To me... the horse business doesn't follow the same practices as all other businesses do. If I treated a client the way I've been treated from time to time in the past, I'd have been fired.

I was out of horses for so long, it was a bit of a shock to me when I got back into them. I don't remember it being this way back in the 80's.

PS - I'd happily board w/ you! As that's how I see it... it's a business.

[Woodland]

There are times a boarder must move on. As a B.O. I can not help feeling slighted sometimes when a HO leaves. Usually because i have become quite fond of the horse. I see it all day every day. I know it well. I will miss it when it is gone. And no matter what you feel as if you weren't "good enough" - it's the insecurity of being human.


I have a pretty tight rule "If you leave, you do not get to come back". I have made exceptions over the last 30 odd years. But I have found that if a person is unhappy enough to leave, then they will never be happy if they return. Again there are exceptions.

I have remained close friends with a few past boarders. Friendly with most of the ones that did not leave because they owed me money. It is in the approach. A note - you never get past the "30 day notice" part - it is all the same after that.

It is business. As a BO if I expect my boarders to also be my friends I am setting my self up for heartbreak. I just had to ask a friend to leave because even though she was my very good friend she and her horse were major PiTAs! She was my friend before she came to be my boarder. Now I have neither boarder nor friend. She was offended that she had to go. None the less she and her PiTA horse had to get o-u-t! I could not have it any longer.

Successful barns separate business from pleasure. It has to be that way.

After you leave if you want to remain friendly remember the Christmas cards and good non chain emails. Drop in to say howdy from time to time. Expect little - give as much as you are comfortable with. Do not ever trash her.

Good people stay close. The shallow drift away - tis the nature of the horse biz.

[pAin't_Misbehavin']

I think it's possible to leave on good terms - but staying friends? :sigh: I wouldn't count on it. Don't be surprised if it's the end of your relationship with your old BO.

It's probably best not to make any comparisons between your old place and your new place by way of explanation. I think a sincere "thanks for all you've done over the years" is the best way to leave it.

I don't understand why it's this way. If a friend decided to use another lawyer, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

[VCT]

I have not had bad feelings towards boarders who left with 2 exceptions.

One started being nasty and/or rude and vindictive when they were here during their 30 days notice. I am glad that one left. The other badmouthed me because I could not give her a break on the 30 days notice/refund the rest of the months board when she decided to move her horse to a trainers barns on the other side of the country with less than a weeks notice. Sorry, hay/grain/bedding was already bought and paid for. That board money was gone already.

*shrug*

Other than that I'm still friendly with people who used to board here or were here temporarily, etc.

I think as long as you give notice, follow the contract, and try to be pleasant about it there should be no hard feelings. You gotta go what you gotta do!

[Lucassb]

Remember that all you can control is your own behavior. Refuse to be drawn into any kind of drama and just treat it as a business matter and I think you will be fine.

I have left barns for any number of reasons, some of them mine and some of them relating to the barn and/or the services provided. I am always upfront that I am very particular about my horse's welfare and about being personally involved with his care, which is sometimes at odds with the way that higher end show barns normally work, so I anticipate having to negotiate for a workable solution in advance.

That said, if there is any way possible to pay the 30 days notice and leave immediately, that is generally the easiest and cleanest solution for everyone involved. Yes, it costs more... but once you've made a decision to leave and have given notice, the dynamic changes even in well run, business like barns, and it can become uncomfortable at best.

One thing I almost *always* do is to bring a small gift with the letter giving notice. The letter is always worded with appreciation for the the time my horse has spent at the facility and a very generic reason for leaving. The gift is usually a bottle of wine or something along those lines. I think that is the courteous thing to do and also recognize that it is very hard to badmouth someone who has treated you well and who has left on those terms, so it is in my interest as well.

[Dressage Art]

I think it's possible to leave on good terms - but staying friends? :sigh: I wouldn't count on it.
Yep, staying friends requires an open communications and trust. Leaving on good terms requires swallowing the true reason why you are leaving and produce a polite smile with a "thank you" --- even when a BO lashes out at you. That is the end of honest communications and the beginning of the polite, but cold ones.

[Saidapal]

I guess I am a weird BO, but I don't think that my boarders are signing on for life when they arrive. People come and go for various reasons. My contract calls for a 30 day notice and there is never an issue. It's business and my business plan anticipates turn-over among the boarders.

I have no idea about the OP's BO, but surely she has a website and advertises that she accepts boarders on various lists. I advertise year round, even if I am full. Filling a slot with a 30 day notice isn't a particular challenge because I tend to have a waiting list.

As a BO, I don't like to burn bridges with departing boarders. Former boarders have been a great referral source for me. Besides, who has time for lots of barn drama? I think the OP should approach the whole transaction in a positive and pleasant manner. That's really all you can do. Hopefully the BO will respond accordingly.

I'm pretty sure this is why you always have a waiting list....you act like an adult!:yes:

I feel the same way about barns - I don't like to burn bridges. Even though I have my own place now, I know I could take my horses to several places if I ever needed to. You never know when the land your currently boarding/living on will be condemned out and you'll have to find a new place (which is how I ended up owning my own land - damned county!)