How Do I Fix This? *Long Vent*

[WhyMe?]

I find myself in a rather sensitive situation. About a year ago, I moved from the farm that I bought due to some family issues. My parents had moved in and we'll just say that my relationship with my mother is tense to say the least. In an act of self-preservation, I washed my hands of the situation and left. There was a lot to it, that I won't go into here - we'll just say police were involved and things had a habit of getting nasty with me on the receiving end. I quit the deed and relieved myself of the whole mess.

In order to make the move, I rehomed a lot of my horses, keeping only one under my care and full boarding. I left one of the horses with my stepfather as a companion to his oldie. I knew leaving the oldie alone would stress it to the point of death.

Now, my parents aren't in the best of health. My mother is wheelchair bound and my stepfather has a pretty serious condition. My stepfather has a hard time doing day-to-day activities. So, it goes without saying that care of the two horses is difficult for him but he won't consider rehoming them.

One of the hardest issues that I faced when I lived at the farm was the fact that my mother was a "horse expert" due to the fact that she had a pony when she was a child. (We're talking 50+ years ago.) My mother felt that this expert status gave her the privelidge of dictating what I could and could not do with the horses. She demanded that the horses were not to be turned out in the snow, as they could kill themselves on ice. We live in the high north, so snow is a 6 month a year ordeal. She also refused to allow overnight turnout, which made summer turnout during the 80+ degree buggy season a bit difficult. Even though she was never actively involved with the actual care of the horses, she felt that her way was gospel and there was hell to be had should you disregard or question her authority on the subject. This is also the woman who asked why I didn't start the baby under saddle because "she'll only be a pony for so long and the kids would like to ride her." :eek:

Now, I was training horses professionally and I had bought a mare from down south and had her shipped home. In order to buy her, I got a front from my parents which was a sort of bulk payment for my services in doing full care for my stepfather's oldie over the years. The payment was all done in cash and I paid all the fees to the registry to get her in my name. Everything in regards to payment and ownership is in my name.

Well, a few years later after a big fight, my mother told my stepfather to move the oldie and my mare to another barn on the property. She said that because she made it possible to bring the mare home, that the mare belonged to her. I was so frustrated to the point of saying "Fine, you think you can do it better than me, go right ahead." All papers remained in my name, and the situation quickly fell apart. The mare lost a ton of weight and had several behavioral issues. I eventually offered my stepdad in trade an air fern (the companion horse) to get her out of that situation. I hated leaving any horse there, but I didn't know what else to do. My mother has never given up on the idea that she maintains some sort of interest in the mare and told me that I'm not allowed to do anything with her unless I have her permission. This includes emergency euthanasia. I was told very clearly that the horse is to suffer until she gives the ok to do anything. That would happen over my dead body. I could never be so selfish. People that I've spoken to have said my mother is no less than delusional. There is no legal standing here, just her need to control the situation.

So, fast forward to my move. I get 10+ horses rehomed. I gave the mare to my half-sister (we have the same birth father - different mothers) and actually signed her over and give a bill of sale outlining her as a gift.
My half-sister doesn't have any relationship with my mother for very good reason as you can well imagine. Well, no notion of this has been breathed to my mother to prevent what would inevitably be a total and complete nuclear meltdown.

Well, my half-sister has hit a financial hardspot and needs to sell the mare. I agree that the mare would do well being sold. She's still green, but has so much potential for a pony clubber. She's tiny - about 14.3hh, so with miles, would be a great kids horse. My half-sister said that it would be over her dead body that the mare would ever return to the farm. The horses that are there are barely cared for and they certainly don't need a third. Animal control could be called with valid complaints on the two still at the farm- their hooves haven't been done in a year, they haven't been dewormed. Stalls are cleaned 2x/month. But AC wouldn't remove the horses because they are super easy keepers, UTD on vacs (my doing) and look alright aside from the husbandry issues. I'm not in a position now to maintain her care either.

Now we're faced with the proposition of trying to get this mare sold in a very small horse environment here without my mother becoming aware. I've worked very hard to try to piece together some sort of relationship with my parents, but at the same time, maintaining and declaring my independence from everything that went on and continues to happen.

I'm at a loss for how to get this horse sold and into a great new home without completely destroying any vestage of relationship I have with my parents. Ideally, I'd like to market this horse out of state. Finances aren't there to hire a trainer/dealer. With all of this, I have guilt. I don't like lying or avoiding. I don't know why, but I still feel like I need a relationship with them, even as I'm approaching 40 years old. What do I do? How can I do what's right for the mare and preserve this relationship and myself at the same time?

[xQHDQ]

Just some ideas.

Advertise on the Internet, so you get out-of-state people.
Trade the mare for something else that you can then openly sell.

I'm really sorry you're having these problems. Good luck.

[Sansena]

You can't.

Listen, if this comes across as harsh, it's not intended to.
Your mom is toxic, probably severely mentally ill. Until you understand that there's no rationalizing with an irrational person, you're going down the rabbit hole into her game.

It seems to me the mare is an issue when it's brought to mom's attention. Ship her out of state if you're able, and don't breathe a word to mommy dearest. Seems to me the horses are pretty much an afterthought at their place anyway... and the mare is simply a hook mom knows she's got into you with which to pull your strings.

Only way to deal with these types of people is to cut the ties. One. Hundred. Percent. And don't look back.

You need to figure out why you want a relationship with these people anyway?? Do you like being a victim to their irrational drama?

[BuddyRoo]

I remember your situation. Man.

Anyway...my vote would be: Sell the horse however you can. Your mother doesn't own the horse and isn't paying for the care of the horse. Your sister is. Your sister of ZERO RELATION to the witch who is your mother. Your mother doesn't have any sway over your sister. Assist your sis covertly if you wish to preserve some sort of "peace" with your crazy nasty violent mother....but I would go about selling however you see fit.

Eventually, I hope you're able to get completely out from under this woman's thumb. You'll never please her no matter how much you cater to her. For the love of God...you gave up your HOME.

I'm just going to send you lots of jingles and hope that you find the strength to do what you can for YOU.

[Giddy-up]

Can't your half-sister sell her & leave you out of it? I know your mom will flip a lid (she will find out something someway), but you just need to repeat "it's no longer my horse". When mother proclaims it to be HER horse, ask her for some proof of ownership. She's not going to have any. Everything was in your name & is now your half-sister's. End of story.

I hate to say it, but as much as you may want or try to have a realtionship with your parents, they may not care to have one with you. You can't force them to behave like mature adults. They will be "nice" as long as things go their way, but when that changes, watch out. Any "relationship" you thought you might have had will be forgotten. I'm sorry. :(

[WhyMe?]

I remember your situation. Man.

Anyway...my vote would be: Sell the horse however you can. Your mother doesn't own the horse and isn't paying for the care of the horse. Your sister is. Your sister of ZERO RELATION to the witch who is your mother. Your mother doesn't have any sway over your sister. Assist your sis covertly if you wish to preserve some sort of "peace" with your crazy nasty violent mother....but I would go about selling however you see fit.

Eventually, I hope you're able to get completely out from under this woman's thumb. You'll never please her no matter how much you cater to her. For the love of God...you gave up your HOME.

I'm just going to send you lots of jingles and hope that you find the strength to do what you can for YOU.

I understand what you're saying, but it would still fall back on me because my mother doesn't know that my half-sister has full custody of the mare. My half-sister is well over $3000 into the mare, and needs to recoup some of that. To mom's knowledge, half-sister is only leasing the horse to show. I had tried to ease into things saying that I was thinking of transferring the mare to my sister seeing that she's made a big investment into her and my mother said that she made an "investment" too and that her investment takes priority over the sister's. My mother's 'investment' was no where near $3000.

[RxCate]

And again, your mother has no legal interest in the mare.

Sell her however you and your sister see fit. The mare was in your name legally, and is now legally in your sister's name. Your mother can't do a damn thing.

Just like someone said above, get away from them any way you can and sell that mare however you damn well please.

[Trakehner]

Time to pull up your big girl panties and be an adult.

Why do you care what your mother thinks (are you going to lose something in the will?)

Your step-sister is a big girl and needs to pull up her panties too!

Stay out of it...and why do you want to have anything to do with your mother anyway?

[vacation1]

I believe the OP is trying to figure out a way that helping her sister doesn't involve her mother finding out and emotionally torturing her about it. I see her point. Not sure I see a solution, but she has my sympathy.

I don't know why, but I still feel like I need a relationship with them, even as I'm approaching 40 years old. What do I do? How can I do what's right for the mare and preserve this relationship and myself at the same time?

Well, they're your parents and so of course you want to have a relationship with them. That's natural. Maybe not possible, but natural.

[Hunter Mom]

I really hope you're getting therapy to deal with all of the drama. I have a friend whose mom had/has mental issues, and as a result she has no contact with them. As hard as it is, it is easier than dealing with her mom.

[VCT]

You don't need to GIVE your mother this much power over you. She only has as much power to effect you as you give her.

Just do what you need to do and refuse to discuss it with her. If she brings it up just say "I refuse to discuss this with you" and walk away or hang up the phone or whatever.

You are embroiling yourself further in this than you need to and stressing yourself out by placing some sort of value on your moms opinion about the situation. It's not her horse. Her opinion doesn't matter.

[EponaRoan]

You can only fix yourself. You cannot fix your mother. Personally - and yeah, I'm a cold bitch - I'd eliminate her toxic self from my life. :yes:

You can pick your friends, you can pick your lovers, you can even pick your nose. But you cannot pick your family and make them good reasonable loving people. :no::(

[jeta]

I am sure there are more dynamics to your family situation than you can go into here, but I feel for you....You are trying to keep the peace where it may well be an impossible feat....

Question: Let's say you successfully sell this mare....Sooner or later won't your mother want to know what has happened to her? What then?

[avezan]

What if you have someone else list the horse for sale in name only (not consignment)? If your sister lists the horse for sale, even on the internet, someone is going to see it and it might get back to your mother. But if you put someone else's name as the seller, maybe even a different phone number, your sister's work number or something, then maybe the locals won't make the connection and leak it back to your mom. I don't know. Tough one.

But I think you are right that you should try to hang on to whatever little bit of relationship you have left with your mom. You don't get to choose your parents, so you try to make the best of the ones you have. No need to rock the boat any more than necessary. Good luck.

[Sansena]

But I think you are right that you should try to hang on to whatever little bit of relationship you have left with your mom. You don't get to choose your parents, so you try to make the best of the ones you have. No need to rock the boat any more than necessary. Good luck.

Avezan: Where do you draw the line? What if the mom pulled a knife? Weilded a gun? Tried poisoning the family's food?

Would you avoid 'rocking the boat' then, by staying in touch?

Reality check. Please.

[pines4equines]

You know it sounds like your Mom might be an alcoholic? Woman tend to be closet alcoholics and can successfully hide it for years!

If this is the case, there's no arguing with an alcoholic. You might need to yes her to death and go about your business. If she is one, then she'll not remember what's happened day to day anyway. Do a google search on children of alcoholics and symptoms of...

For instance:

"What horse are you talking about, Ma?"

[avezan]

Avezan: Where do you draw the line? What if the mom pulled a knife? Weilded a gun? Tried poisoning the family's food?

Would you avoid 'rocking the boat' then, by staying in touch?

Reality check. Please.

It would still be my mother! I would try to get her the help that she needs and not aggravate her any more than necessary. What would you do?

[Arizona DQ]

You can only fix yourself. You cannot fix your mother. Personally - and yeah, I'm a cold bitch - I'd eliminate her toxic self from my life. :yes:

You can pick your friends, you can pick your lovers, you can even pick your nose. But you cannot pick your family and make them good reasonable loving people. :no::(

Well said! :winkgrin: EponaRoan!!

OP, your mother is a nut case and you are only playing into her drama. As long as you allow her to treat you this way, it will continue. Help your sister sell the mare and cut off ALL contact with your mother unless you want to be in constant torment. :no:

[Trevelyan96]

There are PARENTS and then there are people who have a biological tie to you. As Buddy Roo stated, you were driven from YOUR HOME by this woman. You're a big girl now, and you have your sister and this mare depending on you. The only way you can come through for them is to make a decision to stop being your mother's victim. Sell the horse what ever way you can. If she finds out, and blows a gasket, simply point out that she has no legal claim to the horse, its done, and as far as you're concerned, she'll have to find a way to accept it and work it out on her own. Its time to simply make her aware of the fact that you're not willing to be her victim anymore, and if there is going to be a relationship, it will need to be on your terms.

Its not easy, but it can be done, so you can get on with your life in a healthy way. You can't change your mother, but you can change the rules and let her know that you expect her to treat you with respect. In the long run, it may even be beneficial to her to be given some limits, like any other spoiled child. Children under their parents control are victims. Once you're legally able to make decisions for yourself, if you continue in this way, then you are a willing partner in an unhealthy, co-dependent realtionship.

[kmsf]

Is there any way that you can reimburse your mother for the money she initially gave you for the horse, maybe even after selling her? You don't need to tell her that she was sold, just that you are buying out her interest in her.

[BuddyRoo]

It would still be my mother! I would try to get her the help that she needs and not aggravate her any more than necessary. What would you do?

I am not trying to pick on you....but I've quoted you because I've heard this type of logic from folks who have been blessed to have family that *isn't* super crazy dangerous when trying to explain why I have cut ties with a family member.

For the OP (and anyone else who has been in similar shoes) I have to tell you, you can't force people to get help and sometimes the only way to save yourself is to cut all ties. Seriously crazy dangerous people aren't just physically dangerous, they're mentally dangerous. Look at the OP twisting herself into pretzels trying to avoid another explosion from her mother.

[Sansena]

It would still be my mother! I would try to get her the help that she needs and not aggravate her any more than necessary. What would you do?

What 'would' I do? Or what have I done? Easy for you to preach sanctimonious/ religious crap when you obviously haven't lived through it. It's your type of logic that puts healthy people into mental institutions, leaving the crazies loose to wreck havoc.

Needless to say, I tried it your way for 30-odd years. "Trying not to aggrevate her any more than necessary". That comment is a joke, really. It didnt' work.

Your comments obviously come from an *extremely* naiive and ignorant position.

[arabhorse2]

OP, I second Epona.

But then, I'm a cold bitch and have been known to tell my own sainted mother that I wasn't going to take the guilt trip she was trying to send me on, and if she continued to try, I was going to hang up the phone.

I love my parents dearly, but I'm an adult. You can't browbeat or harass me, and expect me to fall all over myself playing "nice". Treat me with respect, or don't expect me to show up on holidays or even call. If I know all I'm going to get is a ration of grief when I do, why bother?

Suck it up and tell your mother what's going on. If she goes ballistic that's her problem, not yours. You're only enabling her feeding frenzy if you apologize for nothing, or try to overlook her nastiness.

She's never going to approve of you, and why you continue to try is beyond me. The woman drove you out of your own home, for cryin' out loud! Time to be an adult dear, instead of turning yourself inside out trying to get Mommie's love.

[avezan]

I am not trying to pick on you....but I've quoted you because I've heard this type of logic from folks who have been blessed to have family that *isn't* super crazy dangerous when trying to explain why I have cut ties with a family member.

Its ok. I'm not feeling picked on. ;) I am blessed that my family is not super crazy, just a little crazy, and certainly not (physically) dangerous. I don't fault others who have decided to break ties with family members. I don't think I could do it, but again, I'm not in the same position as others who have. So for me personally, there is no line to draw. I would do whatever it takes to help my family member. I am definitely NOT saying that is what everyone should do! But my original post was responding to the OP's plea for how she could possibly sell the horse without aggravating her mother. She said she wants to salvage the relationship. I don't think we can really tell an alter on the internet that she needs to cut all ties. We can, however, recommend that she seek some professional help and maybe the professional will recommend that she break the ties. For now, all we can do is give our opinions and respect others opinions. :) Carry on!

[avezan]

What 'would' I do? Or what have I done? Easy for you to preach sanctimonious/ religious crap when you obviously haven't lived through it. It's your type of logic that puts healthy people into mental institutions, leaving the crazies loose to wreck havoc.

Needless to say, I tried it your way for 30-odd years. "Trying not to aggrevate her any more than necessary". That comment is a joke, really. It didnt' work.

Your comments obviously come from an *extremely* naiive and ignorant position.

hahaha. I'm sorry. Your post made me laugh. I didn't realize I was preaching or was religious. I was just answering your question. But seriously, I am sorry that you had a bad relationship with your parents. Really. And the aggravate comment was not for you. It was trying to be a possible solution for the OP who requested ideas. Didn't mean to offend anyone.

[luvs2ridewbs]

There is an easy solution to this. Donate the horse to a college and take the tax write off. Sure, you won't get money in your pocket but the mare will be well taken care of and useful. You don't have to go through the emotional problems of selling, your parents would probabaly never know unless they went to the college barn, and your sister can get out from under the horse bills in a relatively quick way.

[jeta]

Spoken from a parent's POV and having raised 2 children to their 20's here is my 2 cents: My job as a parent was to try to raise caring, productive adults and then turn them out into the world....I tried to nurture a sense of family and I can hope that in my old age they will care for me in a kind and humane way.....I could control their every move while they were young to try to lead them down a healthy path toward adulthood....

BUT, there comes a time when I must step back and hope for the best....To be there as a guide or for advice when asked.....To be a controlling witch, ummmm NO....( To be fair if they ask for my advice, they may get more than they bargained for, but I digress...)...It would seem that your mother has never let go and it is causing you pain now....

My point is look at your situation with your parents.....Does it seem healthy to you that you are afraid of upsetting her mother on a constant basis?.... Or,to be in such a toxic environment that you needed to leave your own home?.... Are you seeking some sort of approval from a woman that will likely never come?....

I think most of us want that connection to family IF it is mutual and in general respectful.... A 40 year old who let their parents come to live with them DESERVE respect....YOU deserve respect from her....Please don't be afraid to sit her down and tell her how you need to be treated....It doesn't have to be confrontational, but it needs to be said....Then the ball is in her court as to how your relationship goes.....

Good luck to you...

[justdandy]

OP - So sorry you have to go through this. If I remember correctly from your previous thread, wasn't your mother not only mentally abusive but physically abusive to you as well? It sounds like she's still mentally abusing you. She ran you out of your own freakin' home for crying out loud. You don't owe her ANYTHING! You do not have to take the abuse from her anymore. There's no law that says you HAVE to keep a relationship with your parents. Please do yourself a favor and completely remove yourself from this situation. It's not healthy for you to continue on this way.

[arabhorse2]

There is an easy solution to this. Donate the horse to a college and take the tax write off. Sure, you won't get money in your pocket but the mare will be well taken care of and useful. You don't have to go through the emotional problems of selling, your parents would probabaly never know unless they went to the college barn, and your sister can get out from under the horse bills in a relatively quick way.

The horse is small, and still green. No college would take that type of animal. Colleges want well trained, veteran show horses, not something green that someone is just trying to get off their feed bill.

Besides, all colleges state explicitly that even if they do accept a horse on trial, that doesn't mean they'll take the animal. All costs to get the horse to the college are on the owner, and should the college decide they don't want the horse, trailering the animal back is also at the owner's expense.

This isn't an avenue the OP's sister has open to her, by the description of the horse in question.

Hardly the "easy solution" you seemed to think it was!

[Saidapal]

My mother was very controlling. For years I would hear "why don't you sell the $#^ horse?" She never understood my love of horses, heck, nobody in my family does although I've owned them for over 35 years now.

Sell the horse. If your mother asks about the mare, "She's fine." That's all you say. "She's fine." Which will be the truth.

One day I woke up and realized I was an adult. I was about 40 years old, and all of a sudden I realized I didn't have to be afraid of Mom or her opinion any more. That morning changed my life. After that I only got together with her when I was in the mood to blow off her unwanted opinions. If I felt sensitive or felt she could get to me, I made an excuse and stayed home or went riding. Your never going to change her, and your never going to get her to love you the way you want. It's sad, but it is reality and the sooner you accept it the sooner you can move forward in your life.

God bless you. Now go give your horse a hug and tell her/him how lucky you are to have them in your life.

[WhyMe?]

OP - So sorry you have to go through this. If I remember correctly from your previous thread, wasn't your mother not only mentally abusive but physically abusive to you as well? It sounds like she's still mentally abusing you. She ran you out of your own freakin' home for crying out loud. You don't owe her ANYTHING! You do not have to take the abuse from her anymore. There's no law that says you HAVE to keep a relationship with your parents. Please do yourself a favor and completely remove yourself from this situation. It's not healthy for you to continue on this way.

Yes, physically abusive to the point of police involvement They offered to put her in jail. I couldn't do it. I couldn't overlook the ideal of what a mother should be. To put her in jail would to me be like giving up hope of ever having that. Looking back, I should have taken that as my reality check and done it. Maybe that would have been her reality check in the end. Shoulda, coulda, whoulda, didn't. :no:

[greysandbays]

I'm wondering what kind of horse it takes to let somebody think any -- ANY -- "investment" they think have in it isn't covered a million times over by getting a farm by means that amount to squatter's rights.

A parent like that would be worth moving clear across the country to get away from.

[Ghazzu]

Tell your mother to go pound sand.
You need to take a deep breath and convince yourself that she has no say in anything you do anymore.
I know it's easier said then done, but it's still necessary.

[Laurierace]

There is an easy solution to this. Donate the horse to a college and take the tax write off. Sure, you won't get money in your pocket but the mare will be well taken care of and useful. You don't have to go through the emotional problems of selling, your parents would probabaly never know unless they went to the college barn, and your sister can get out from under the horse bills in a relatively quick way.

BAD IDEA! I would put a horse down before donating to a college. You might want to do a little research before you give that sort of advice.

[tkhawk]

The money you got was for you taking care of your step dad's old timer. The horse is in your name or your step-sister's? Your mom is in a wheel chair ?

Do what you have to do and just tune her out. If she cares enough, she will call you and talk, if not-you know there are parents out there who molest their kids-maybe it is time to move on. A lot of folks I see, all they need is for you to stand up and they are ok. Not talking about psyhco cases-but just your normal garden variety paper tigers.

[ReSomething]

Freaking unreal. :rolleyes:

Why the rolly eyes? This stuff does happen. They don't have plots like that in soap operas because people prefer good vs evil and real life sometimes isn't that way. Sometimes it is just really dark shades of grey.

OP, you may have to stop caring. The horse is in your name, just sell it and if your mother starts giving you grief stop trying to placate her with explanations. Change the subject, ignore the question, hang up, whatever you have to do. It isn't your fault, and you probably would be well served by seeing a counselor, perhaps Alanon might be appropriate for you. Sorry.

[Gray Horse H/J]

I agree with everyone else, and I really feel for you.

I just spent the better part of my week dealing with family drama caused by my brother's wife. She's truly unstable, and has done horrid things to my mom and I. We've tried so hard, but you can't reason with an unreasonable person. Sometimes all you can do is end the relationship, cut the ties.

Good luck.

[Trakehner]

Life's too short to deal with psycho evil warped old women who installed the "you owe mommy" bone in their poor kids heads.

Kick mommy to the kerb, she adds nothing to anyone's life but misery. So what that she's old a cripple in a chair, sounds like she's sure earned it.

Life's too short to let an evil person ruin it.

[trubandloki]

My mother is pretty caustic (not near as bad as the OPs tough).

I deal with it by simply not telling her things.

OP, does your mother have the ability to know if the horse is still with your half sister if you do not give her details?

Being vague is your friend.

Contact the local pony club, sell the mare cheaply (do not expect your half sister to get her $3,000 investment back) to a good home.

When the topic of the mare comes up give vague answers.

Mother: How is my mare doing?
OP: She is well. Do you like the chicken soup I brought you?

You do not have to share details with someone who will use them against you.

[justdandy]

Yes, physically abusive to the point of police involvement They offered to put her in jail. I couldn't do it. I couldn't overlook the ideal of what a mother should be. To put her in jail would to me be like giving up hope of ever having that. Looking back, I should have taken that as my reality check and done it. Maybe that would have been her reality check in the end. Shoulda, coulda, whoulda, didn't. :no:

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, hindsight is always 20/20. Don't dwell on what you could have (or should have) done. You can't change that. Focus on how to get out of this situation and move on with your life. It's time for you to be happy. You don't owe your parents ANYTHING. They took your home from you. A home that you worked hard for. Don't let them take anything else from you. They don't deserve it. They don't deserve anymore of your time or energy.:no:

[Hawkridge]

I have just read the original post and not the others, so bear with me if I am repeating something that may have already been said here...

According to what you've posted, YOU bought this farm (morgage is in your name?) and your parents moved in afterwards. YOU own most of the horses (your stepdad owns one). Your parents are in bad health.

So YOU moved out of a house YOU own, sold most of YOUR horses because of a bad relationship with your parents....right?

Then why on earth did you not kick THEM out of YOUR house :confused:

[cloudyandcallie]

Let you sister sell the horse and stay out of it. Give sister the papers for the horse. If your mother asks, say you gave the horse to your sister.

Find a good therapist to learn how to cope with your feelings towards your mother. Obviously you always wanted a loving relationship and have feelings of rejection and feel that you must do something to make your mother love you. You have to have professional help, so that you can move on and have a relationship with a spouse or SO or whatever. While I have a great, but eccentric family, I've had lots of friends whose parents took out all their failures on their children. (Including one boyfriend whose father on his death bed told him his son he knew son would never amount to anything (he was still in college; and a friend whose husband's father committed suicide and left a note that it was his son's fault--he was still in high school.:eek:) Some people just have issues that they cannot deal with, and they blame their children and make their lives hell. Your mother may be one of those people, and it is not your fault. So go have a professional charge you $ to tell you what everyone else here is telling you.

[CatOnLap]

If its as bad as you say, then I have a hard time imagining why you would want to continue any sort of relationship with these people.

If they were unrelated, you would not associate with them.

Good for you for moving out.

Now move on.

No amount of inheritance or blood ties is worth the type of misery you describe, yet you keep going back for more.

I second the person who said "What horse are you talking about, Ma?"
Except I probably wouldn't be taking calls from the woman anyway.
Sell the horse on the open market and let her blather on.

[2bayboys]

OP, you are allowing yourself to be victimized in this situation by continuing a relationship with your mother. You must let go of your fantasy that you are going to have any sort of normal relationship with her, it's not going to happen. Toxic evil people do not suddenly wake up one day and realize the error of their ways. Get yourself some help and support and get away and STAY AWAY.

Sell the horse by any normal means, split the proceeds with half-sis if you like, but really there need not be any discussion with your mother about it at all.

You are 40, not 14.

I know it is not easy to accept that you must cut off any contact with her. Been there, done that, except that for me it was my father. It took me years to understand that "it's not me, it's him!" (Because of his mental abuse and meanness, he has never met any of his grandchildren. But really, do we want to expose our children to that, just because he is "related"?! Thank goodness for my saint of a mother who moved on without him and is now happily married to someone else.)

PLEASE get some help and therapy.

[KayBee]

Yes, physically abusive to the point of police involvement They offered to put her in jail. I couldn't do it. I couldn't overlook the ideal of what a mother should be. To put her in jail would to me be like giving up hope of ever having that.

Oy, honey. Sorry to put this so bluntly but "the hope of ever having that"? The ship sailed long ago.

There are crazy people in the world. And it's true that, RARELY, there are people who are toxic in combination but not so bad when they neither have anything to do with the other. This doesn't sound like the case here. It sounds like you've bent over BACKWARDS to do everything possible to create a storybook mother-daughter relationship and that the toxicity is something your mother infects all her relationships with.

So, storybook family: It's not going to happen. It's not. You know that definition of insanity? "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?" (E. Einstein). That's what this looks like from here.

The question for you is, can you accept that the relationship is always going to be... fraught... and still do what you need to do for yourself anyway? Or in order to be able to do what you need to do for yourself, do you need to walk away from the relationship? For my part, I think you'll be far better off doing the latter...

Remember, too, the rule of lifesaving: it does no good to try to save someone from drowning if you don't have the skill and the tools -- you end up with two dead people instead of one.

So:

Her problems are HER problems. Not yours. You are not responsible for fixing them. (Repeat this as a mantra.)

It takes two people to fix a relationship as badly damaged as this one. Is she ever going to do her part?

In literature, there's the trope of "unrecognized female suffering." It's when a main character bravely endures all sorts of travails as she struggles (alone, and unrecognized except by the reader of the novel) to... save the family fortune or whatever. And she is somehow ennobled by it. In romance literature, some guy FINALLY recognizes the innate nobility of the woman and rewards her with his lurve. In other literature, she dies alone and impoverished and people finally realize her nobility and weep over her grave in remorse.

I do think that this trope is so powerful that sometimes people embrace this in real life and... it ain't healthy. So, yeah, therapy is something to consider.

And I'm not saying you should advertise for a mother-substitute but there are sane, lonely people in the world who would love friendship and companionship. I hope you are able to meet some and create your OWN loving (sane, stable, supportive) family from there.

[JanM]

You can only fix yourself not someone else, and you can't make someone love you if they don't even know what love is. If someone doesn't love you after knowing them for 40 years it's simply not going to happen, and you need to accept that and move on-and you may need help to do that. Don't ever trust your mother because she will do anything to hurt you-remember the old saying ing about "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"

[sketcher]

... my mother doesn't know that my half-sister has full custody of the mare...To mom's knowledge, half-sister is only leasing the horse to show. I had tried to ease into things saying that I was thinking of transferring the mare to my sister seeing that she's made a big investment into her and my mother said that she made an "investment" too and that her investment takes priority over the sister's.

How did your mother make an investment? Do you own the horse or did your parents indeed front you the money - like you stated, meaning that depending on the iterpretation she does have some ownership or a stake in the horse?

You need to be honest with yourself and understand how the way you inteact with you mother is allowing the unhealthy relationship to continue. From personal experience (and years of therapy) I've learned that your mother can only hurt you as an adult as much as you are willing to allow it. You are participating in the dance. Like one of the posters already questioned, are you afraid of being written out of the will? I can't think of any other reason -and that isn't even a good one - to continue to engage. To do so is codependent behavior. Save yourself. Get some therapy. You can't save her or change her or remove any of the hurt she has inflicted. even if she is mentally ill, there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to learn to care for yourself but you need to be able to be willing to examine your behaviors and change them.


I had a somewhat similar situation in that I spent many years wishing to have a relationship with my mother. It wasn't until very recently, I was probably around the age you are now, where it really clicked with me that I could choose not to allow her to make me feel a certain way. That is a liberating step. If you can learn how to take it then this horse stuff will seem fairly straightforward and easy to deal with.

[2ndyrgal]

other people's behavior, only your reaction to it. I'm 48 yrs old and one fine day about 15 years ago, my father, God love him, was being his usual, superior high and mighty bastard self. I looked him dead in the eye and quietly said two very unladylike words. I told him he was allowed to be dissapointed in me, he was allowed to be critical. He was, god forbid, even allowed to be right. What he wasn't allowed to be, at that moment or now, was a prick just for the sake of "hey, I'm your Father, I'm older, wiser, smarter, have more money, so I get to play the jerk card. Umnnn, no, not so much. I told him if he wanted to have an relationship with me as an adult, fine. I was not going to be on the receiving end of his bad temper or bad attitude, and since he no longer controlled any aspects of my financial life, he realized pretty quickly he had no power and chose to have a much better realationship with me. I don't know about you, but I have zero patience for difficult people, even less if they happen to be family. So she gave birth to you, big deal, it's a biological process. Being a good mother is a social process, born of love and responsibility. Not a power trip. Try this helpful little phrase. "Mother, while I appreciate both your wisdom and everything you've ever done for me, I feel I need to do "x" even without your approval. I'd love to have your support in this matter, but I certainly understand your position. Please respect mine." "yes mother, so you've told me, and I did it your way for a very very long time, and it just doesn't work for anyone. Well, maybe for you, mom, but not for me, not anymore. I've a few too many birthdays under my belt now"

[2ndyrgal]

You can go back to the two, quiet little words. Though "bugger off" will do said with the right tone of voice.

[Woodland]

ME? I would ship the horse off to a third party agent and let them handle it. I would have them advertise her under a made up or "barn name". I get horses in to sell all the time that I know are registered but I do not even know their "barn name". I stick one on them and sell them - the papers are always clear and catch up eventually. Since I only agent horses for people i know I know the horses are free and clear etc. My job as an agent is take the drama out of buying and selling. YOU need to take YOU out of this deal!

OP - i have a dicey relationship with a few of my 7 siblings. My Mom passed away on Good Friday and i had to spend time with people I swore I never would. While i always had a good to great relationship with the parents, the sibs are insanely jealous of that and made my life HELL(see they were f'ups and i wasn't)! I "divorced" my sibs mentally years ago. I had to grieve them and move on. For the sake of my mind and my own little family it was best.

SOME Families SUCK. They will do things to you that your worst enemy wouldn't. F'em! Move along! :(

[Foxtrot's]

Through all this is such sadness: family is the most important aspect of our lives. However, families come in all shapes and sizes and types; form yourself a strong extended family of people of like-mind where you can share celebrations, holidays, etc. Something to hold on to. Above all, do not stay around toxic relationships - share your life and love with people who enrich you.

I came over here alone, and while I'm married now and have grown kids, we have had a joyful 'family' to share Christmas's, Easter's, etc. We are each other's Godparents, and have raised each others' children. Best wishes.

[Foxtrot's]

I forgot to add: I did'nt grasp what the situation is re the farm. I hope you will not just roll over and expose your belly. If it is your hard earned property, you cannot wash your hands of it. Find a way to keep your end up.

[summerhorse]

I have just read the original post and not the others, so bear with me if I am repeating something that may have already been said here...

According to what you've posted, YOU bought this farm (morgage is in your name?) and your parents moved in afterwards. YOU own most of the horses (your stepdad owns one). Your parents are in bad health.

So YOU moved out of a house YOU own, sold most of YOUR horses because of a bad relationship with your parents....right?

Then why on earth did you not kick THEM out of YOUR house :confused:

I was wondering the same things?

I'd move back in and kick THEM out. Or just Mom if StepDad is OK. It sounds like maybe dementia is an issue also?

The mare is your sister's, she should sell her and that is that. As someone says if ToxaMom asks say she's fine. But she won't get to ask because WHY would you be anywhere near her? And WHY would anyone think to TELL her no matter where you were?

I would suggest some counseling to deal with your past with this woman and how not to let people run your life. You will feel much better about things.

[katarine]

Why you?

Because you cling to the idea that your mother is sane, rational, reasonable, and decent. Let go of that, the rest is easy.

I am so sorry ANYONE is in your shoes, but they are your shoes b/c they make sense to you, day in and day out.

Your mother is crazy. She can't be ok. Let go of that, the rest really is easy.

BEST wishes ....but you will have to change to make anything change.

[pegasus209]

Wow. Don't really know what to say.. I would have kicked them (mommie anyway) off my own farm and kept all of my horses.
As far as the mare goes, sell her however you can and let it go. Like others have said, just tell her 'She's fine." if she asks.
Mum may need to be committed to a hospital, certainly she needs to be removed from your life. I would work legally to get her out of your home, if it was me.
Good luck

[ZiggyStardust]

Do what you need to do and sell the horse. Relationships are a two-way street. And you have already met your mother way more than halfway. To echo what others have said, you cannot pick your parents, but that doesn't mean you have to be stuck with them. No one has the right to destroy another person's happiness unprovoked. You can't make your mother act like an adult. Find your own family (friends, SO, animals, whatever). Life is way too short to spend it trying to make someone else happy, esp someone who is not mentally stable to begin with. That is not possible; you can only make yourself healthy and happy. Please take care of yourself.

[vacation1]

One day I woke up and realized I was an adult. I was about 40 years old, and all of a sudden I realized I didn't have to be afraid of Mom or her opinion any more... Your never going to change her, and your never going to get her to love you the way you want. It's sad, but it is reality and the sooner you accept it the sooner you can move forward in your life.

So true. It's funny, people often get so frustrated with someone who is having family/parent issues and basically think it's because the person is weak - after all, he/she is being driven crazy and yet returns to the situation repeatedly, is seemingly unable to stop repeating a destructive pattern. But I think a lot of people don't get out early because they're not weak; they're natural fighters who have trouble accepting that this time, they just can't win. It's that acceptance that either comes to you or doesn't, which is why I feel bad for the OP but can't honestly offer either advice or condemnation, just sympathy.

[goeslikestink]

how old are you are you a child or an adult

i ask becuase your moms in a wheelchair and has you running around in circles over her and your stepfather they see you as a muppet - not an a adult but a gofer
as in go dor this or that do this or that

about time you took charge -------- and got the farm back to order your there daughter
bloody go and see to the oldie and the other horse and work the yard as it should be worked and see that the horses there have full care

look your mom can only scream and shout she cant exactly run and chase you and nor can your step dad

you hhave family ties as in doing right by them as a duty to them, dont tell me that turning your back is the best way as it isnt your mom and dad regardless of who they are brought you up and your mum when gone cant be replaced beleive me i know my mum was nasty to me to but like i siad she was my mum

my parents werent exactly nice either but i never let them get the better of me as an adult i left home at 17 but my mum was my mum and my dad was my dad

i tell what i see, i see them screaming and shouting as underneath all that they need help
in homecare just as much as care around the farm and if you dont take charge and tell her that those were them days this is how things are done today
unless they want acpca and whole load of creulty court issues as bad horse owners and which is whats happening now then you need to take charge and build a better repretation and the only way to do that is to change things

but change to the advantage this isnt about a mare thats for sale its about the whole thing

gone are the days of what she did - your young and new ways and new things
new rountines and theres a yard sitting there going to deraliction as in falling down horses arnt cared for feet not done in a year etc and you can sit there and let it happen

no no no- you dont - you get in there and look after the horses and bloody change the way things are run

use your head and your knowledge and your sister ------ then perhaps your sister wont have to sell the horse

two heads are better than one-------- and your sisters so do things together go see your mum work out a plan and bloody do something

this is your land as a family and your in the making of an inheritance
if you dont want that then say bye bye now

if you want it then work it out and make it work for all off you
your parents need home help - a good yard can provide the care they need to

your mums moaning as shes struggling to do things from a wheelchair and her bark is worse than her bite
aboout time you grown ups acted liked grown ups and not swobbling kids
and look at it from her side he cnat do things for self and nor can yourstep dad
her only way to get at you to listen to to complain of what your not doing

this was your home once remember that
once upon a time she bbrough you up and you both got into horses and she was well
and nothing was wrong now shes wheelchair bound and you do whatever then have cheek to moan at her moaning at you she made sure you had a good education and pt your though high school
and she made sure your were both brought up well to be the people you are today
but somewhere along the lines
she wants what we all do to have successful children and for those children to be better than us
only shes nto getting that, instead she having to fight for everything and will pull emotionally pulls out of the hat becuase underneath all that barking is a lonely woman who dearly loves the hrose but cant do anything to help her own and her own kin complain at her
so how would you feel
put yourself in her shoes then look from her way of things
cup of tea and a big chat with both you and your sister round the table and put to bed all this hate
before shes off the planet and dies a sad old women and you both have regrets that you never sorted it when you had a chance to when she was alive

[Giddy-up]

It would still be my mother! I would try to get her the help that she needs and not aggravate her any more than necessary. What would you do?

If she acted the way the OP's has--cut ties & walk away. I am not going to make myself miserable cause she chooses to be.

[cloudyandcallie]

I forgot to add: I did'nt grasp what the situation is re the farm. I hope you will not just roll over and expose your belly. If it is your hard earned property, you cannot wash your hands of it. Find a way to keep your end up.

Did OP say she "quit" her farm or that she quitclaim deeded it? If the latter, her mother now owns the farm. If the former, and she still has the title, she needs to make sure that she pays the taxes and all, so her mother doesn't own the land by adverse possession (depends on the laws in her state).

[rideagoldenpony]

Tell your mom the mare died and she owes $1,394 for her half of the vet bill.

:D

[pines4equines]

Above poster: Arh, arh!

[gloriginger]

Did OP say she "quit" her farm or that she quitclaim deeded it? If the latter, her mother now owns the farm. If the former, and she still has the title, she needs to make sure that she pays the taxes and all, so her mother doesn't own the land by adverse possession (depends on the laws in her state).

She said she quit the deed.


This is a crappy situation, but OP you need to get some help- no offense, but your mother's abusive behavior has put you in a perpetual victim role...and if you don't get healthy and see things as they are- you will continue to seek out these abusive relationships. Your mom has beaten you to near death ( I remember the last thread about this) taken your home - you do not owe her anything. Please seek help- couseling, group therapy what have you. the lessons we don't learn we are doomed to repeat. It's time to accept that you can't change your mom, and that you are almost 40 and it is time to live your life.

Lastly- you sold the horse to your sister, it is not your problem. Let her deal with it.

[SaddleUp158]

You can't.

Listen, if this comes across as harsh, it's not intended to.
Your mom is toxic, probably severely mentally ill. Until you understand that there's no rationalizing with an irrational person, you're going down the rabbit hole into her game.

It seems to me the mare is an issue when it's brought to mom's attention. Ship her out of state if you're able, and don't breathe a word to mommy dearest. Seems to me the horses are pretty much an afterthought at their place anyway... and the mare is simply a hook mom knows she's got into you with which to pull your strings.

Only way to deal with these types of people is to cut the ties. One. Hundred. Percent. And don't look back.

You need to figure out why you want a relationship with these people anyway?? Do you like being a victim to their irrational drama?

Along the lines of the above, my farrier gave me some very wise advice last week. Granted this was over the possibility of getting rid of a horse that has the potential to hurt me and not over familial relationships. He said in regards to my having mixed emotions to the selling of my gelding "It is much like being in an abusive relationship, they can be sweet/loving at times, but you never know what the next day will bring; so is it really worth it to constantly worry what your next encounter will bring."

[QueenofHearts]

Well, I second sending the horse to a third party seller. And I think another issue with just telling your mother "enough is enough" is what your mother will do if she finds out. Would she go to the new owners of the horse? Would she try to raise a stink with the local community if she knew the horse was for sale? I think you best bet would be to find someone sympathetic and move the horse FAR AWAY to sell. That way, if your mother raises a fuss at least it is less likely to affect the horse's outcome.