What would you do in this situation?

[rideforfun56]

I have been riding and taking lessons from a trainer who has also become a friend. She is very knowledgable in many areas: Dressage, training methods, horse health, etc. However, she not only states her opinion, but has become judgemental in how I care for my horses - to the point where I have read postings on this site that relate to my horses that are slanted to make her point. Since I have known her, based on her comments I have changed almost all my tack, changed my farrier, treated my horses for things that I didn't think they had (like Ulcer's), used her vet, etc. She is critical of the way I manage my pastures (at my house, I do not board at her place), my feed program, the exercise programs (even for my semi-retired horse). She is critical of my horses teeth, hoof triming, shoe placement, heel length, their weight (too fat, too thin), their soundness, etc. Her place is not the cheapest place to ride - but it is certainly the nicest place in our area. So, what is the price of a fabulous place to ride? This has become exhausting. I am no longer enjoying riding there because of the barrage of criticism. I have owned 2 of my horses for 20 years and they have been healthy, sound and happy. As you can tell from my forum name - I want to enjoy riding and just want my horses to be happy and have fun. What would you do in my place?

[Just Wondering]

What would you do in my place?

Have you ever asked her "why"?

[Rivendell Horses]

Maybe take a break from her for a while? Or take less lessons? if you are not having fun any more and it is partially or mostly because of this person, then take a break. It won't hurt you or your horse to do so, and you might be able to find the fun in it again.

:)

Jen
www.rivendellhorsefarm.com/tackpage.html

[LOVE*MY*NAGS]

I think you answered your own question! When its no longer fun.... its time for a change.

[magnolia73]

OTOH, if you are paying for training with her, it is her place to help you make changes to get the best out of your horses. You know, if she sees your saddle is not fitting right or pitching you forward, or your horse's feet are sore- it's her job to point it out.

That said, if my trainer said to me in a lesson "Magnolia, you need a new saddle as it is making you pitch forward". That's fine. If I read "my client is too damn cheap to buy a saddle that fits" on line, I'd be peeved.

In other words, it is professional to give you feedback on your "program" as it relates to performance, but not professional to make fun or complain about you online.

[Giddy-up]

OTOH, if you are paying for training with her, it is her place to help you make changes to get the best out of your horses. You know, if she sees your saddle is not fitting right or pitching you forward, or your horse's feet are sore- it's her job to point it out.

That said, if my trainer said to me in a lesson "Magnolia, you need a new saddle as it is making you pitch forward". That's fine. If I read "my client is too damn cheap to buy a saddle that fits" on line, I'd be peeved.

In other words, it is professional to give you feedback on your "program" as it relates to performance, but not professional to make fun or complain about you online.

These are good points. You are paying for her opinion/help. You are representing her program so she wants it tip top. Even though you board at home, she wants you to match up with her boarder clients.

Maybe her program is no longer for you? Only you can decide that. Perhaps a break or having her less involved might be a good change & help you make up your mind?

But you said it yourself--the line between business & friendship has been altered so it can be a tough situation depending how the other person reacts. If you break off the business end, will the friendship continue? Do you want a friendship still?

[rideforfun56]

I understand the business points - however, I am her only client and only a few of her horses receive the attention and care that my horses do. I am completely open to suggestions and happy to learn things that will make me a better rider and my horses happier, but it doesn't stop at suggestions it has become an uncomfortable barrage and frankly when it comes to my horses care, her opinions are just that - opinions. I have 20 years experience in making good decisions for my horses that is apparent in their long healthly lives.

[findeight]

One thing to mentor and guide when paid to do so, another if your client feels they cannot put a bridle on correctly-and it's the wrong kind, color and has the wrong bit in it.

I have a huge problem with a trainer who posts all kinds of negatives on a BB site in a way their client can tell they refer to her.

We just have your side. We all know there is also trainer's side and that the truth lies in the middle.

Perhaps it would be good to try to talk to her. Or not. Really have no idea without more details.

But it sounds like you need to explore other options if you hate going to the barn plus have your problems aired on here.

[2DogsFarm]

I have 20 years experience in making good decisions for my horses that is apparent in their long healthly lives.

If, as you say, she is a friend. Why not tell her this very thing?
Since you are paying for her training expertise, it is your decision as to where the line gets drawn.

Can she tell you how to improve your riding?
Can she tell you how to manage your horses?
You decide.

I would let her know you have seen her postings on the BB and that you would prefer she not do this A)unless she discusses it with you first, or
B)at all.

[SUECLOUDY]

I understand the business points - however, I am her only client and only a few of her horses receive the attention and care that my horses do. I am completely open to suggestions and happy to learn things that will make me a better rider and my horses happier, but it doesn't stop at suggestions it has become an uncomfortable barrage and frankly when it comes to my horses care, her opinions are just that - opinions. I have 20 years experience in making good decisions for my horses that is apparent in their long healthly lives.

When riding no longer is fun for you, find another trainer, and hopefully the friendship will continue and just end the business portion of the relationship.
If you are riding for fun and not competing, or looking to go to the Olympics, it should be fun.
My philosophy is that as long as you are doing right by the horse, you should be enjoying owning and riding and should not dread lessons. Constructive criticism is one thing during a lesson but I do draw the line at how I care for my horses. Unless I ask for someones advice on which Vet, Farrier, etc I should use, I would expect them to respect my decisions on what I think is best for my horses. The only time I would expect them to give me unasked for advice, is if I am doing something that could potentially harm my horse (like an ill fitting saddle). Having horses at home is a lot different than boarding. When I use to board, we had to use the Vet, and Farrier, and Equine Dentist, that the barn owner wanted ( I realize that for business purposes and scheduling this is easier on the barn owner). When I moved my horses home, I kept the same Farrier, but changed Vets, and Dentists as that is who I felt more comfortable with. That is the control with having your horses on your own property.
I would tell her how you feel about all of this and ask her what she would do if she were in your situation.
Maybe she wants you to board at her place?

[IronwoodFarm]

Instead of talking to this BB, why not tell the trainer how you feel? If you think you can have a frank conversation then I would start there.

[Lucassb]

I have been riding and taking lessons from a trainer who has also become a friend. She is very knowledgable in many areas: Dressage, training methods, horse health, etc. However, she not only states her opinion, but has become judgemental in how I care for my horses - to the point where I have read postings on this site that relate to my horses that are slanted to make her point. Since I have known her, based on her comments I have changed almost all my tack, changed my farrier, treated my horses for things that I didn't think they had (like Ulcer's), used her vet, etc. She is critical of the way I manage my pastures (at my house, I do not board at her place), my feed program, the exercise programs (even for my semi-retired horse). She is critical of my horses teeth, hoof triming, shoe placement, heel length, their weight (too fat, too thin), their soundness, etc. Her place is not the cheapest place to ride - but it is certainly the nicest place in our area. So, what is the price of a fabulous place to ride? This has become exhausting. I am no longer enjoying riding there because of the barrage of criticism. I have owned 2 of my horses for 20 years and they have been healthy, sound and happy. As you can tell from my forum name - I want to enjoy riding and just want my horses to be happy and have fun. What would you do in my place?

If I liked the riding instruction, I would continue taking lessons. I would listen politely to the other suggestions/opinions, and feel free to ignore them if I chose. "Thanks; that's interesting," or "Hmm, I'll consider that," are perfectly appropriate responses to suggestions for management opinions you don't agree with. I don't think you have to get into a big debate about every issue, particularly if she is the type to be pushy and try to make things awkward. I'd just be polite and more or less brush that stuff off.

If confronted about a particular issue, again it is fairly simple to be non-committal. "Why didn't you switch to Mr. Smith?" can be met with, "oh, I appreciated your suggestion, but after giving it some thought I have decided that it will be better for me to stick with Mr. Jones." If she argues, you can say kindly, "I really appreciate your concern, but I have decided to stay with Mr. Jones." And then change the subject. You shouldn't have to have more than one or two of those conversations before she gets the message that you aren't simply going to blindly follow her directives.

If you find that this impacts the quality of instruction or she becomes too overbearing... personally I'd probably find another instructor.

[bamboozled]

I don't get it. If she is very knowledgeable in many areas, why are YOU her ONLY client? :confused:

If she is this fabulous, I would think she would have many, many clients....and possibly too busy running clinics and instruction to be so megalomaniacal about your horses.

The math does not add up to me.

[Twiliath]

YOU are her ONLY client? That doesn't make sense to me either.

You also don't board with her; you keep your horses at home. She has NO business telling you how to keep your horses on any level - vet, dentist, farrier, etc.

If you ask her how she does things and why, for your own education, she can answer you. She CANNOT tell you what to do.

In my definition, she is NOT a friend. NOR is she a professional in any sense of the word, even if she takes your money.

Find, buy, borrow, steal, or grow a backbone and do your own thing. Ignore her or tell her to mind her own business. If you can't ignore her and can't tell her to leave you alone, go somewhere else or take a break. If you tell her to mind her own business and she gets nasty or belligerent in any way, GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!

Best of luck to you.

[GallantGesture]

If you were my student and this was happening, I would want you to speak up and let me know how you felt. Communication is the key to any relationship, including friends and trainers.

I think instructors in general really care about what they do, and really want the best for the horses and riders (which in turn, is also best for themselves!). Some have better communication skills than others, some are pushier, etc. It sounds out of line for her to be posting negatively about you online. But as an instructor, I also have to wonder what the other side of the story is. If you have told her that you have certain goals with a particular horse, and she can see that the way you keep your horses, although very safe and comfortable for the horses as far as meeting basic needs goes, your horse will not be competitive... then it is her place to say something. She cannot help you succeed, which will not only make you unhappy, but also reflect poorly on her in the show ring, if you are not willing to do the things that need to be done to be successful. Maybe this is not the situation at all, or maybe she has misunderstood your goals, but you won't know unless you talk to her about it. If she truely just wants to control everything you do, then she is not the right instructor for you. But especially since you are also friends, it is probably worth the conversation, just so you both understand where the other one is coming from. Especially if you are her only client, she probably does just want to make you happy, and is doing it the way she knows how. Good luck!

[bamboozled]

So, what is the price of a fabulous place to ride?

The price (in the case) is your sanity and happiness, hence it is not a fabulous place. If you find yourself having to gird yourself for battle when you come tooling up the barn driveway...stop going there.

Divorce yourself from this woman and make it a casual "friendship". True friends are not toxic and draining.

[Penthilisea]

Hey now... I have seen the dark side of this situation, and it is NOT pretty.
"Trainer" only works her own horses, maybe, and trains the OP out of friendship, not wanting to risk ammy status, etc.
IN the toxic situation I saw play out, the OP-type let her horse colic for a week before the unreccomended dangerous vet would admit it to the clinic, mare died after days of pain, because the OP-type "had done it that way for 20 years, and all the others had done just fine!" In my story, the OP-type has no show experience, or equine knowlege and his/her horses do have to make due with the minimum hoof care, low quality feed and hay, etc.

I am not trying to say this OP is wrong, at all. But I HAVE seen this relationship play out where the "trainer" is 100% a good kind soul trying to educate and improve the OP-type, and the OP-type's lack of experience biases him/her against it all.

Not sure if I am making sense this am. Just saying there MAY be two sides to the story.

And I sincerly hope Rideforfun does not live in NJ and I am not talking about him/her.

[findeight]

The kicker here is this "trainer" posts on here and disses OPs horses in a way that makes it obvious to OP she, and her horse care, is the subject of the thread.

Pick a term. Immature. Childish. Mean spirited. Back stabbing. The list is long.

Whatever, Professional this "trainer" is not. "Friend" is not on the list either.

[BuddyRoo]

A lot of times people are critical with others to establish dominance/control.

Some people like to make others feel like they couldn't possibly think their way out of a brown paper bag so that THEY feel needed.

Sometimes, people are critical because they're jealous and want to knock you down a few pegs.

Ultimately though, you can't control what others do, only how you react.

When I was in a similar situation and being told often and not in a very nice way that I should take one of my horses to a sale because she wasn't a good fit, blah blah blah, I finally just said, "Look. She's my horse. I know you don't want to throw a leg over her and that's fine. I know where you stand. I know you think I should sell her. But I don't plan on it. And unless I ask for your opinion on this matter again, I'd appreciate it if you'd keep it to yourself."

[Coreene]

Oh good lord, if it is that bad grow a spine and dump her. Life is too short.

[tkhawk]

I don't get it. If she is very knowledgeable in many areas, why are YOU her ONLY client? :confused:

If she is this fabulous, I would think she would have many, many clients....and possibly too busy running clinics and instruction to be so megalomaniacal about your horses.

The math does not add up to me.

Ditto-makes me wonder if her expertise is all in her head.
Time to move on I guess.