Odd Request - Horse-related sympathy gift?

[syntheeya]

I live in TX and my best friend is in Bucks County, PA. We met at horse camp (Natalie Johnson's) in 5th grade, and have been close for decades now.

She just lost her 9 month old baby to AT/RT, a rare type of brain cancer. :(

I want to send her some sort of sympathy gift... that is horse-related - maybe containing a stuffed pony, or something.

I might have to just pull it together myself, but before doing so, I was wondering if any of you COTHers might know of a place that does what I'm thinking of, and can deliver or mail the gift. tia!

[lesson junkie]

Perhaps a donation to a therapeutic riding group in her baby's name?

I can't imagine the loss.

[mkevent]

Maybe a donation to an equine rescue. I guess something to give hope during such an incredibly difficult time. I am so sorry for your friend.

[mtk9122]

I give to Morris Animal Foundation earmarked for equine or Best Friends Animal Sanctuary or the local/state Large Animal Vet School hospital.

[Jessi P]

Does she own property large enough to plant a tree? Not really specifically horse-y, but many horse folk do also plant a tree or flowering shrub, for remembrance.

[Woodland]

My DH bought me a stone that reads "I will listen for your hoof beats in Heaven" I treasure it! In my case it is on my Guy's grave, but it would be wonderful in a garden or landscape. I also have memory stones with the names of kitties and dogs I have lost scattered through my garden. Every time I see the stones I smile with happy memories. They are gone but not forgotten!

The stones are available through most horse/pet catalogs.

[Cindyg]

Oh, how awful!

I vote for flowers with a small horse ornament or charm, or as you suggested, a little stuffed horse. I'd call some florists and ask them. Perhaps you could send the horse-y item, and they could work it into the arrangement.

Geez, I am so sorry for your friend.

[Coreene]

I would think that any stuffed animal would be in exceptionally poor taste. I would be mortified if I lost a child and someone gave me a stuffed toy. JMHO. Donations are always appropriate and, now more than ever, desperately needed.

[2DogsFarm]

Donation to an equine rescue in the baby's memory.

Like Coreene, I feel a toy might be too painful for your friend to receive right now.

[Watermark Farm]

As a mother, my heart goes out to your friend. I can't begin to imagine her pain.

Please don't give her a stuffed animal or anything baby- or child-related ---- too painful. As others have suggested, a donation in the baby's name or a tree to plant would be an appropriate gesture. If she has other children, doing something that would benefit them (gift certificate to do something fun) might be a nice gesture.

A few years ago a friend had a terrible loss. Her childhood best friend sent her a card or note once a week for an entire year. Sometime she sent a silly drawing, or funny card, or just a note with a few words. I later asked the best friend how she did it, and she said she kept a stack of cards/notes addressed/stamped and ready to mail, and every Friday she put one in the mail. The woman who was grieving told me many times how that got her through her grief.

[Alagirl]

I was tempted a few times to send hugs to friends who needed them (not as bad as the OP's friend though)

The original idea I had picked up on TV some place, a trace of both hands connected with a strip of paper, the length of the arms.

Personally I would substitute gloves and a scarf...but then again, it needs a lot of explanation...

I love the idea of the regular cards as well.

If you do go the route of a tree or shrub (I planted a rose bush last year to honor my sister) try to find a nursery near her place, it helps getting pants hardy to her area that way.

My thoughts and prayers to the grieving parents!

[Cindyg]

I don't think a stuffed animal is a hurtful remembrance. ?? Often you see teddy bears on a child's grave. Sometimes they are covered with teddy bears and other similar toys. ?? So, OP, if you did send a stuffed pony, don't feel bad.

People grieve in different ways. There's really no telling what might comfort the mother's heart vs. what will hurt her. I think, though, that a general rule of thumb is -- any effort made out of genuine compassion will probably be appreciated.

My dad passed away a few weeks ago. My mom received a lot of flowers, and she did appreciate them. I (personally) thought it was sad as the flowers faded away and had to be thrown away. But that didn't seem to bother her. She also received donations to a charity that had been important to my dad. (The charity was specified in his obit -- "In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to...") When the charity received a donation in his name, they sent an acknowledgement to my mom; and those meant a lot to her too. But it wasn't just a random charity that the sender picked out; it was an organization that my dad was active in and cared a lot about.

Anyway, OP, I'm very sorry for your friend, and kudos to you for trying to do something kind for her.

[SBT]

I would think that any stuffed animal would be in exceptionally poor taste. I would be mortified if I lost a child and someone gave me a stuffed toy. JMHO. Donations are always appropriate and, now more than ever, desperately needed.

Agree 110%. The loss of a child is touchy territory. I like the idea of a rosebush or a flowering tree, and/or a donation in the child's name to a rescue or therapeutic riding organization.

[Misty113]

Wow-- the letters is a great idea. It's so simple and so thoughtful.

[Doodlebug1]

I'm so sorry for your friends loss - and it's lovely that she has friends like you who feel for her.

Personally I'd go along the lines of a weekend away together - sometime a month or several into the future - something you can talk about looking forward to when you need to get her back on a positive footing. Often people are very sympathetic for the first month or so but then everyone else's live goes back to 'normal' leaving the bereaved person feeling very alone. Giving something to look forward to after everything else has calmed down might be just the thing - it can always be horse related - a trip to Rolex? A weekend rounding cattle... It isn't necessarily permanent - though you will always have the pictures - or you could make it an annual event to celebrate the life of her baby.

Here in the UK our biggest equine rescue charity enables you to buy a tree/trees that are planted in and around the rescued horses fields providing shelter for the vulnerable horses that need it and you can go visit any time and sit under your tree and see the horses who benefit. They also have plaques etc commemorating the person, or pet the tree was donated for.

Is there something equivalent? However, just like if you give a tree to your friend and she moves home, there is a risk the charity will outgrow their premises and you may no longer have access to the tree.

[lcw579]

Does she own property large enough to plant a tree? Not really specifically horse-y, but many horse folk do also plant a tree or flowering shrub, for remembrance.

"Horse" Chestnut Trees do well around here. I'm not in Bucks County but if you need some help with finding a nursery or anything let me know - I'd be happy to lend a hand.

Wow-- the letters is a great idea. It's so simple and so thoughtful.

I also think this is a lovely idea - as is the mailed "hug" - who doesn't like to get mail? A funny card or a quick note could be just the pick me up she needs to get through her day.

As a mother, I couldn't even begin to imagine how devastated I would be to lose a child. I agree with the others who have said to stay away from stuffed animals. I think something like that would just tear my heart out - imagining the lost child clutching it. Morbid, I know but sometimes you can't help where your mind goes and if her baby loved stuffed animals her mind may very well go there.

If you decide to make a donation, Ryers Home for Aged Equines is a well established place that has been around for around a century. They own their own property and won't be going anywhere. They also let people visit. Maybe you could donate an apple tree - I'm sure the residents would approve.

Thorncroft is a therapeutic riding program that has been around for a long time as well. They also own their own property and would be happy for donations.

[syntheeya]

Wow, thank you all for your thoughtful help. It's amazing how my brain is sidelined by shock/sadness/grief... not being able to think creatively here. Such wonderful, wonderful ideas.

My friend and I are the type to always send each other "playful" sorts of gifts... so, a My Little Pony as a 30th birthday present, Barbie Show Horses for Christmas... not to mention stuffed animals at every turn... it's just what we do... so I guess I just went there out of habit.

But I have to agree that a stuffed animal at this time might be too tear-inspiring. :no: Perhaps not as in such "poor taste" as it seems to others, since we frequently give them to each other... but I definitely do not want to cause more sadness. So I appreciate your opinions, very much... that hadn't crossed my mind.

Thank you as well to people who have PMed me... ya'll are so caring. :sadsmile: I'm really blown away by the wonderful ideas. I'll have to let you know what I do.

[DressageGeek "Ribbon Ho"]

I think, though, that a general rule of thumb is -- any effort made out of genuine compassion will probably be appreciated.


This is the absolute truth. What always shines through is the love and caring.

[FindersKeepers]

Your caring enough to so something will say it all.

I don't think a stuffed horse would be inappropriate, especially considering you 2 have always given gifts like that to each other.

Perhaps send her a sweet, heartfelt card, with letter inserted, if you wish, and a stuffed horse, or flowers, or food. (food is always a good way to go) And then in a couple of months, when the pain isn't so fresh, I'd take her away for a weekend of riding or spa-ing, etc.

Just being there for her and offering her things to do to move on with life will be a huge help. Everyone that is grieving needs a friend stable enough to see the rest of the world out there, rather than just focusing on the tragedy.

[lonewolf]

I agree that a stuffed animal might not be the best idea, although it might be different since it is a common gift between the two of you.

I liked the idea of flowers with a keepsake charm attached. Something like this, maybe? http://www.equestrianjewelry.com/ProductInfo.aspx?productid=EQE0061

A tree, personal letter, or donation to a charity are also nice ideas.

Someone I knew wrote a card in which they promised to take the person to a nice dinner at some time in the future when the bereaved person was ready.

I think anything heartfelt will be appreciated.

[vacation1]

It's not really horsey, but I came across the idea of wind chimes as a sympathy present, and that seemed like a nice possibility. You could probably find one that has a horsey theme. The one below plays a few notes from Amazing Grace.

http://www.gifttree.com/p3/6873/Amazing_Grace_Engravable_Wind_Chimes-1.html

After my dad's funeral, it took a long time for me to see fleshy, bulb-like flowers, especially lilies, as anything but funeral plants, and while I wanted to remember my dad, I didn't particularly want to remember the funeral. If I was sending someone a flower arrangement meant for them to keep in their house, not for use in the funeral, I'd try to choose something that didn't resemble the funeral flowers - which tend to be white and filled with lilies. I would imagine that a baby's funeral would also be filled with pink or baby blue, so again, you might want to avoid those colors.

[littleum]

The cards idea is beautiful. I'm going to remember that one.

I also think windchimes are a beautiful idea as well. Maybe you could find a beautiful horse-y one?

[Event4Life]

I'm sure I've seen horsey windchimes somewhere....maybe in Wild Horsefeathers or Back in the Saddle magazines??

I really like that idea - the one about the card every week is nice too. Prayers and hugs to your friend.

It's so cool you guys have kept in touch like that all these years from being friends at camp - One of my best friends is from camp and we've managed to keep in touch even while living in other countries. She's visiting this weekend, which has been really nice.

[King's Ransom]

I really like the wind chimes, too. That just seems "right." But I also want to say that anything from the heart will likely be appreciated. I lost a child years ago ( 22 years to be exact, you never forget ...) and I remember the most touching gift I received. I was the managing editor for a newspaper at the time and my boss was this great big hulk of a guy, a rich kid who had inherited the paper and was, by and large, socially awkward and kind of a pain in the arse. But he had kids of his own (whom he adored) and the loss of a child just pierced his heart. He came to my door, and I remember it like it was yesterday, with a huge frozen standing rib roast in his arms and tears running down his face. He managed to choke out an "I'm sorry," and "I didn't know what to do, so I thought food would be good," as he shoved the rib roast at me.

22 years later and I still have tears in my eyes over the loss of our child, and a bit of a smile at the heart-felt gesture of someone who could only imagine our angst and was so distraught he just showed up with a standing rib roast.

Just don't obsess so much about finding the "right" gift or the right thing to say that you don't say anything. That is the worst thing, when your very closest friends do not share your pain ... you do forgive them, but it does hurt.

[Cindyg]

my boss ...managed to choke out an "I'm sorry," and "I didn't know what to do, so I thought food would be good," as he shoved the rib roast at me.

Gosh, that is so sweet!

I liked the idea of flowers with a keepsake charm attached. Something like this, maybe? http://www.equestrianjewelry.com/ProductInfo.aspx?productid=EQE0061.

I loved this. So simple. So sweet. Could you get the baby's name engraved on the back? It would be perfect!

I also loved the mare and foal pendant on the same website, but I bet you didn't want to spend $1200.

I also love the wind chime idea. Definitely in "horse."

[RedMare01]

When my aunt lost her horse, I gave her a Leslie Webb wall plaque: http://www.backinthesaddle.com/search.asp?SKW=law&TKW=BS47&GEN1=Featured+Artists+-+Leslie+Ann+Webb

She really loved it. I don't see the exact one I got her on the website anymore, but they have a few that may be appropriate.

Caitlin

[monalisa]

The letter a week idea is incredible. What a great idea. I would do that.

[Catersun]

littlesomething.com is a handy website to send her something small to let her know you are thinking about her. You just pick it out and pay for it and they do the rest. My condolances for your friend. I can't imagine her grief.

[Cindyg]

littlesomething.com is a handy website to send her something small to let her know you are thinking about her. You just pick it out and pay for it and they do the rest. My condolances for your friend. I can't imagine her grief.


Thank you, Catersun, for this cool (simple!) idea. I just sent something to my mom, who is a recent widow, and will be spending her birthday alone for the first time.