New found sense of mortality... can it go away?

[Wee Dee Trrr]

OK, So I've been eventing since I was 11 years old, I started going prelim when I was 14 years old and successfully competed a few horses at that level for about 3 years. At this point my new prelim horse died, and I had to start over with a greenie. By the time I got to prelim again I was 21 years old, and had had an accident with a different horse where I shattered my collar bone, got a titanium plate, and a number of screws.

Now, post surgery, I attempted to take my current training horse prelim (which he is MORE than ready for after 2 years of training) I had an ABYSMAL dressage test, I literally threw up my entire XC course (my horse is amazing and went around with no jump penalties while I hung off the side puking), and I ended up getting eliminated in show jumping because I just quit riding and he stopped.

I'm a good rider, and I work really hard to keep getting better... so it bugs me that I could do prelim as a kid, but am not capable as an adult. The only response I ever get is that maybe I should just stick with training level (I don't puke going training), but it's a little boring on my current horse who really should be going prelim...

Previous goals were to do a one star and intermediate, now I feel I got shafted! ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR ME??

[deltawave]

Your post made a lot of sense right up until the point where you stated "you got shafted". You lost me there--shafted by whom? By what? Circumstances? Maturity? Life??

How do you figure you're "not capable"? Because you displayed a good case of nerves at your first upper level competition in a number of years? Because of this you're not capable?

Wow, ease off on yourself a little bit. With adulthood comes a sense of reality that most adolescents don't have to trouble themselves with. :) Welcome to the world of being a grownup.

My suggestions to you would be to stop feeling like a victim, embrace the reality that life IS different when you are an adult, and get right back on, keep working, keep improving, and pick those goals right back up and go for them. :yes:

[whitney159]

You aren't the first person this has happened to. Welcome to growing up/old, many of us were fearless as kids but at some point we all start to see that we don't bounce like we used to, and we understand just how badly we can hurt.
That being said, it's not over. You can get through this. Worst case scenario, go see a sports psychologist, who might be able to help you find ways to calm your stomach down so you can go around prelim a little easier. You can always stay at training until you are really really bored, then try again, and just set small goals. Don't try to be competitive at prelim and make time, just set the goal to get around, or over the next fence with breakfast still on board. Take some of the pressure off yourself. When I've dealt with fear, that has helped me more than anything, reminding myself that I'm going this because I ENJOY it, noone else is making me do it. And I keep the goals low.

[bornfreenowexpensive]

Just that it can't be that much fun going Prelim and puking....so while pony may be ready, you do not sound ready.

Jump bigger fences at home.....lots of them. Go xc schooling more....and just spend as much time in the saddle as you can. You need to be pushing yourself MORE at home...so when you get to the show...the fences will not be as intimidating. Trust me...I can relate. I jumped my mare 4' for the first time the other day. Just a single fence....but I put it up and felt sick...I use to trot 4' fences long ago. Do I really want to do this...compromised and said, if she jumps it well the first time, we are done. She did, got a huge pat and I know that I just need to keep doing that until 4' doesn't scare me....then 3'6" really will not scare me. If that doesn't happen....stay a happy having fun training level rider!


ETA: I will also say that it took just about a full year after my first major accident (was 20) before I jumped again without having to fight to put the butterflies in formation.....and I wasn't even hurt jumping, just that is when I felt most at risk. It didn't stop me from doing things, but I had to fight my inner fears pretty hard for it. You may just need to give yourself a bit more time post surgery. It also really ISN'T the end of the world if you decide not to go beyond training.

[Sudi's Girl]

Something happened when I hit 24, and I found my "sense of mortality" as well. When I was a kid, I was literally FEARLESS. I was jumping huge jumps - and BAREBACK! I could fall, and hop right back on without a moment's notice. Now - not so much.

I also have my first greenie, and I'm working on training him, and he definitely scares me sometimes. It takes a lot of work, but we're getting there. And he's teaching me how to really ride. I just have to go in baby steps. I get as much training as I can, and go from there.

I really don't think the "mortality" factor ever goes away. I think it needs to be there actually so that you have that voice in your head telling you to pull up if it's warranted. However, you need to learn how to deal with it too so that it doesn't affect a perfectly good round. I think Jane Savoie has some articles on dealing with fear...maybe look some of those up?

[LAZ]

You probably already know my answer to this. :winkgrin:

No, it doesn't go away. And that is not necessarily a bad thing, managed properly.

You either learn to manage the fear/nerves in competition and it becomes fun again or you learn to manage them and it doesn't (in which case you find something else that is enjoyable--endurance, dressage, jumpers, etc). If the fun factor comes back with practice, then it is completely fun again, but the notion of mortality will always creep in (which in my opinion is not a bad thing). This keeps you from taking completely insane risks and lets you make decisions with acceptable risk.

[crittertwitter]

Do you Love it?

If eventing is your passion, and moving up to Prelim is what *you* want to do, then you'll work through it. Even if you continue to vomit, eventually the acidic taste in your mouth will become a delicious reminder that you're out doing what you love. Don't all eventers get nervous?

However, don't do something, especially something serious, out of a sense of obligation. i.e. Don't should yourself (I think that's the only should you should listen to). You're not letting your horse down by staying within your comfort zone.

I'm getting verbose now, but I also wanted to point out that many riders feel that they have to get their horses to a top level to have done justice to their existence. Case 1: Growing up I had this wonderful, fat little pony who I wanted to turn into a grand prix olympic jumper. My parents were not the kind of people who would tell me I couldn't do something, but they did gently caution me that it wasn't within Fatty's natural talents. We did jump a couple of solitary 5 footers, and they explained that isn't the same as a whole course of them. The real achievement there was the relationship we built and the small, yet unique, accomplishments that came out of it.

I truly, deeply believe that it is the positive caring relationship you have with a horse that serves as the greatest reward for them. I don't believe that horses have a deep need to become immortalized. I don't think your horse knows that he's not an UL horse yet and thinks less of himself for it. I think achievement-oriented horses really want to do well at what they like... galloping, jumping big fences, piaffing... whatever. So if you're not disappointed in him, and you don't frown after a good training round and stuff him in his stall, he won't realize he has failed to achieve anything.

[RAyers]

Fear is good! You WANT that sense of mortality!!!! It makes you ride better; makes you pay more attention and attenuates your senses. It is the fearless riders that scare me. They are the ones who do not know when to pull up and put both themselves and their horses in danger.

I worked for a year with a sports psychologist after my worst crash to get my head back.

You are not the first nor the last of us who have gone through this. There are quite a few ULRs, a few who post here, who spent months in the hospital putting themselves back together physically and mentally to come back. We all recognize that fear is a good thing and helped us become better riders for it.

Welcome to the club! With great power comes great responsibility. And as Gnep says, beer puke doesn't stain a bay.

Reed

[dwblover]

That fear is a blessing! I too was an unshakable youngster. I would ride any horse that came into the barn. I would jump cross-country fences at speeds I shutter to think about now. I was totally fearless. Then I had my daughter and the real world came crashing in on me. I could get hurt, I was not indestructable, my kid, my husband, and my horses need me around. I think it's more sense than fear really. Do not punish yourself for that. It may just save your life one day. Of course you don't want to be stuck jumping 18" for the rest of your life, so talk to a sports psychologist to help you learn to ride with that sense of self-preservation. They can help you overcome your nerves, but don't just throw that voice in your head out the window.

[Cheval Gris]

You are not alone in this boat my friend. I was the kid who had the 'pig eye' QH as a 13 year old that got dumped atleast once a week. In fact, my first 2 day HT at BN I got eliminated in dressage because my pony bucket me off and left the arena. That same horse carried me through training and is now someone elses training packer. I was not scared of anything, and strangely enough never broke a bone in the 1000+ times I hit the ground on him. Fast forward five years, after riding little through college and starting out my first OTTB as an eager, ready to compete 24 year old (me, not horse), 6 months after I bought him I had a nasty fall xc schooling (1st fall in many years, keep in mind) and broke my shoulder in 3 places and dislocated it. Had 3 months off for that, came back, slightly (actually more than slightly:) intimidated but none the less, back to jumping. My position suffered immensely just guarding over fences. I was subconsciously scared to have another giant leap over a small fence. All is well, no falls, and 9 months after the first fall I have another, broke both wrists. Casts for 5 weeks= no work for an RN=no the happiest husband. Makes you think about what a fall like that can do to the rest of your life. Thank god I didn't have kids.
That was 5 months ago. I still have all those broken bones in my mind, but aside from struggling to sit up tall to fences, it has made me a better rider. My horse never did anything wrong to cause these falls, just freak accidents. I trust my horse, but I no longer push myself or him unless its right. Both falls I had were over the "just one more" fence. I now end on a good note, even if means i only jump 10 fences. I know my fears will interfere with my progression to prelim, which is my ultimate goal, but I would rather take my time and have some confidence instead of pushing to meat a timeline (which i have creatd for myself in order to accomplish goals and have a couple kids). Its Good horsemanship.

[imissvixen]

Do you or have you ever meditated? Part of what you are going through is rational but part sounds like your mind or thoughts are running away with you. Meditation is one way to learn how to control your thoughts and be more in the moment.

I am no expert but did see a sports psychologist after my last big fall and he recommended this to me:

http://www.amazon.com/Mind-Gym-Athletes-Guide-Excellence/dp/0071395970

If I get really nervous, I repeat "One" over and over. It is remarkably helpful.

The book talks about how athletes learn to manage their mental performance. I think we horse people tend to focus too much on the horse's head and not nearly enough on our own.

[Wee Dee Trrr]

Thanks for all the suggestions. I really like the meditating idea. All I can do is keep working at it and see what happens...

[NMK]

I do not know the time lapse between when you were 14 an now, but I can tell you that the sport has changed a lot even in the last couple years, and the skills needed at each level are quite different than they "used to be."
I know from taking about 9 years off. It's almost different sport now.

Nancy

[Beam Me Up]

I had my "Oh my gosh, I could die out there, and I think I almost just did" realization at 18 and it changed me and my riding too. Agree with the others that it doesn't go away--was over 10 yrs ago for me.

I do miss the fearlessness at times, but try to appreciate it in context:
It was great that it got me over some big courses on scary horses, helped me gain various skills that I might not have if I'd held back and been more cautious, and now it's time for me to be thankful that I survived and work on honing my skills much more, becoming safer and more correct.

I look at it the way I look at my teenage years in general--it was fun, glad to have survived, and I'm never doing that again! (Not sure I felt that way at 21 though--it takes some time)

For me, the best part of riding as an adult is that there are no time limits. No HS or college graduation or young riders looming (x more seasons left) that always made me want to cut corners. Now you have all the time in the world, and soundness or training set backs no longer feel like the end of your life.

I think you do have to try to accept and appreciate the changes that come with adulthood, and I know it isn't easy.

[crittertwitter]

Ooooh, ya know what really helped me? Given, it's not exactly the same, but I think most excessive worries have the same root... I have extreme trailering anxiety - as I drive down the road, I see every vehicle as the one that might not be paying attention and could ram into our beloved pony. You can see how this can be a problem, right? It can cause ineffective driving, overreactions, etc., and ultimately cause what it is I'm most worried about. I talked to our vet about it and she said one thing that helps her is to ask herself at the time (trailering or working or whatever), "Have I done the best I can do... for the safety and wellbeing of the horse and of everyone involved?" and if she can answer yes to that, then the uncertainty/anxiety goes away. I use this in those moments when I start to get overwhelmed by the factors that are outside of my control on the road. Deep breath... "did I do my homework? Do I have everyone's best interest at heart? Deep breath... ok." It's a really simple thing, but it really changed me from someone who despised trailering to someone who can competently bear it.

LOL I think I completely fixated on one aspect of your post and misread your struggle (i.e., it sounded like you thought you "should" move up, but I wasn't sure if you actually wanted to). So nevermind all that. Have fun!

[CookiePony]

I lost a lot of confidence between ages 22 and 25 or so. When I look back I see a couple of contributing factors: myself getting older and riding with a trainer who was pretty hard on my confidence.

Now, I do well when I trust the horse and my instructor. I had a fantastic partner combined with a great teacher a few years ago and had a great couple of seasons. Then I got a green horse that did not want to play cross country and I had a bad fall off of him, and my confidence waned. Now I am partnered with a VERY honest and wonderful horse and I have consistent instruction from someone I trust, and my confidence is once again increasing.

I guess what I am saying is that you can't do anything about getting older, but you can find a very good instructor to work with and you can choose the horse. Plus some sport psychology can always help. Good luck. :cool:

[Gnep]

Welcome to the world of adult eventer.

The only tip I can give you, do not ride your prelims like prelims, take it easy, school them and not compet them, till you feel ok again.

After out little escaped in 2007, I schooled the next show, put no presure on myself and my horse, made every jump count and as perfect as I could, it was fun, 89 seconds slow, but it gave me and my horse exactly the confidance boost we needed.

Take the pressure of yourself and buy some brownish breeches, nobody will notice the puke and so on

[LAZ]

Take the pressure of yourself and buy some brownish breeches, nobody will notice the puke and so on

This is my surrogate child you're advising about puke colored breeches....don't be mentioning the beer thing to her. :D

[advmom]

Do some work with a good sports psychologists if this is what you really want to do.
healthy respect for the danger that exsists in this sport is a good thing

[Gnep]

I had a student that was a puking pro. I tell you she had it pat down, nerves, she put herself and alowed other to put a huge amount of presure on her.

So puking was just part of it.

In X-C, she just flicked her head - puke - wipe, not a spot on the horse or on her pants going 500 plus.
She even did it in dressage, she was so good at it that the judges never noticed, a real professional.

Since MomiLaz is watching over the threat, I aint going to explain the beerpuke thing.

But why are you putting so much pressure on yourself. Yes one has to be a little bit more going at P, reverse the goal, school P at shows, just learn to enjoy the jumps at that level again, leave the watch at home, leave the wheel at home, walk out of the box, or take the time to shake the starters hand, anything that takes the pressure of you.

We all have to kick the bucket at one time, why not doing it while you have fun.

[seeuatx]

Like others, it seems that 24 hit me hard. In the last 2 years I have had several bad falls, that while I escaped without serious bodily injury, I cannot say the same for my confidence. One was a bucking young horse that had me on my head, the other was a rank mare that should have known better, and add to that a horse with a nasty dirty stop... well, you get the idea. Nothing to do with X-C for me, but fences over 3' are making me quake in my boots, and I am freezing during spooks and bucks.

Luckily, I have recognized my limitation for now. My trainer is appraised of the situation and is happy to take it easy with me, and only give me the bigger stuff on the end of a gymnastic line. I've had to turn down the rides on some horses that I know would only hurt my confidence more... which annoyed the owners, but oh well. In the mean time the owner of a steady eddy at my barn is letting me ride him a couple days a week... only 2 weeks in, and I'm starting to feel a bit better.

[cyberbay]

May have mis-read, but your first competition out with this horse and/or after your shoulder surgery was at Prelim? That sounds steep.

Start at a lower level, maybe. And do the N and T until you're bored. Don't go out of the start box throwing up. You need to be at your best when going xc...right? Maybe it's just your way of telling yourself you're not as prepared as you would like to be. You will be in time.

IMO, the pressures we put on ourselves are, in fact, pressures we've internalized from other people and we do it in hopes of gaining their admiration by achieving what they value. Could be missing that, 'tho.

We mature psychologically over the years. That's why adolescents have restricted driver licenses!! They can't recognize danger as readily and they don't have the skills to avoid incidences on the road!! They're not psychologically ready!!

I think you're in a great place. It may not seem so great -- it may seem like a loss, actually, for awhile -- but it's opening doors for maybe a more nuanced, more accommodating relationship with your horses and a fuller grasp of riding. Take it from us oldsters. We've been there and where we are right now ain't so bad.

[Queen Latisha]

I agree, drop down a level and build your confidence.
Mentally you're not ready and there's no reason to push yourself.
I know all about the "puking" thing..........:yes:

[Couture TB]

I understand where you are coming from quiterandom. I have been out of competition for the last 5 years do to first a horrible accident where I shattered my ankle and many many surgeries and injections later make the pain to the point I can ride. The second I contracted lymes and it got to the point that it was in my brain. 3 years of treatment and I am hoping to get back to showing this year. I have a TON of nice horses that need shown (2 warmblood stallions, 1 TB stallion, a true *** and above prospect, anda hot hot Oldenburg with FEI dressage movement). All younger and needing miles. I am a little nervous about the first show. I use to compete at the upper levels of eventing and dressage, and Grand Prix jumpers (smaller shows) but I have lost a bit of my confidence. I am hoping that I will gain it back before the season so that it does not transfer to my horses. If you figure out how to get yours back can you tell me how to do it?:winkgrin:

[Lincoln]

The woman I went to see had treated a reptile trainer whose aligator bit him and he became really scared. (no kidding!) The problem was that he was a professional and so was losing his life's work. She worked with him on breathing and relaxation and visualization and he's back doing what he loves.

The point is that the fear is rational, it's your response to it that needs to be manageable to the point that you can do your job or move on to a different less stressful job - having made an informed decision to do so without your fear doing the talking.

I found it very helpful -had a huge warmblood jump on me and toughed out the resulting fear for a while until I found I hated riding. Worked with the sports psychologist maybe four times, and used her techniques to gradually work my way back into happy riding. I will say that toughing it out can be counterproductive - I'd gotten to the point that my heart rate was elevated before I even walked into my horse's stall - and I was still competing. I worked over the winter and got there. It takes patience and training - essentially doing for yourself what you would do for a horse who's had a traumatic experience. But that kind of behavioral therapy is very successful and straightforward to implement.

Good luck!

[Stay Gold]

A little off topic, but a note to the OP:

I too have the titanium plate and screws holding me together. I had a fall (from a freakin' pony while trotting in an indoor!) in November, and 12 weeks post-surgery (that's today) my bones still haven't formed a union. They're talking about going back for a second surgery in another month or two if the bones still show no sign of growth to do a bone graft from my hip to fill the space between the bones.

The more days that go by without sitting on a horse, the more I agonize and develop fears about not being good enough anymore.

Hang in there, do what feels right - if you're puking your way around Prelim, I'd say step back to Training for a bit until you are more confident again. Best of luck.

Did you get your plate and screws taken out? Mine cause so much pain since I'm so thin they stick out and even clothing sitting on it hurts - can't wear a bra even... When I'm finally healed, I think I want to get the hardware taken out again.

[CandyHaasch]

My experience with fear has been, it's true, in a way it's all in your mind, because your mind does control your body. I was fearless as a child, had the luck to have wonderful (Olympic-calibre) instructors who kept me safe, despite that! -- played varsity polo in college, was an exercise rider on the racetracks, professional trainer myself for 11 years. . . you get the picture. . . then, at 49 years of age, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor (which probably resulted from my "other" life, that of a research scientist, which kept me in enough $$ for the horses). Thankfully, it was benign (although it took them 6 worrisome weeks to decide that -- they sent it from Gundersen Lutheran, to Mayo, to Johns Hopkins, just to be sure) but the operation left me paralyzed from the neck down on the entire left side of my body. They expected me to stay that way. My prognosis was "extremely poor". Fortunately, they never told me my prognosis. Or if they did, I didn't listen. I decided I would recover 100%. Now, three years later, I'm probably to 87%. Maybe I never will ride like I used to, maybe I never will make it to 100% (after all, I am ageing, also) but then, I will die trying. Now, I foxhunt (which I never had discovered, pre-tumor). And for the first time in my life, I am having to deal with, and overcome, fear at my fences. I believe it is primariliy a trust issue. I don't trust my body to do what it needs to do anymore. (After all, for a very long time, my whole left side simply WOULDN'T.) I have to have the faith to find the trust, even when, rationally, it oughtn't to be there. Muscle memory is an amazing thing. To me, it is proof God has mercy that we learn to walk so young we don't remember how painful a process it is. Now, whenever I see a little two year old having a temper tantrum, I merely smile and pat him on the head and sympathize. "I've been there. Yeah, it's really, really difficult. And yeah, it is really, really worth it, to learn to walk." Substitute the word "ride". Same truth. Only ten fold. Perhaps a thousand fold. You have to ride, ride, ride, ride, ride. Ride correctly. Ride under an instructor or knowledgeable friends' watchful eyes all you can. Get non-riding hubby to take videos and photographs. Think about riding all the time when you are not riding. Your muscles will learn from your brain. Even imagining it -- maybe especially imagining it? - works. Visualize yourself doing it perfectly. Calmly. Without puking. Meditation helps. Tai chi is great. Running and lifting weights are essential. Posting without stirrups. (One giant fear-reliever for me was the day I got "left" when my trusty steed "popped" a big coop, and I lost both my stirrups. We galloped away, and I was successful at picking up my right one as we galloped, but I could not make my formerly-paralyzed left leg behave well enough to pick my left stirrup back up until after we stopped, at the next checkpoint. There, I told myself that I had just proved to myself I had regained enough coordination, strength and balance that I could ride in the hunting field stirrupless. So clearly, I had nothing left to fear. It was a wonderful revelation.) Speaking to the fear helped me. I found that when I admitted it aloud to my fellow foxhunters ("We're all afraid, out here. We probably wouldn't even be out here, if we weren't" they told me) and to my horse, and just kept repeating, like a mantra, "I may be afraid, but I trust you. I may be afraid, but I trust YOU" that helped. I had to remember to look at the sky and allow my heels to be very deep. I couldn't force my heel down, because then the tonus would take over. There's a whole lot we don't know about how the brain learns, how the brain repairs. But it is marvelous and miraculous and way more can be done if we just have the will and the faith and the strength and the determination. It sounds trite, but it is so true. Don't fight yourself. Work with yourself. Celebrate all the little signs of progress (It was over two years before I could run again, without my toe "dropping" unexpectedly when it fatigued and tripping me and making me fall flat on my face. But now I run a mile daily). Hug your horse. He will help you to heal. And he will carry you, uncomplainingly, until you do. ( Then, he will absolutely DELIGHT in the fact that you are riding, really RIDING, once again. When Wildeyed Ben put in a teeny, tentative, happy buck with me once again, far from feeling the need to berate him, I counted it as one of my more joyful days. Just so long as he doesn't plan to make a habit of it, of course!)

[Lincoln]

Candy, that is a really moving story. Thank you for sharing it. Congratulations, good luck, and thank you for helping us keep the faith!

[denny]

You may not like this answer, but here it is, from a 67 year old preliminary rider who is in his 56th year of riding competition.

Get truly fit and tough. Run. Lift weights. Do pull ups. Lug water buckets and hay bales.
Become a tough, fit ATHLETE.

I was pretty naturally so inclined, but then Walter Gervais, 20 years older than I, came to our farm and put us all to shame with his intense drive.

He won his 1st novice event at 69, moved up to training at 70, and then to prelim at 72.
At 75, Walt rode in his 1st prelim 3-day at Bromont.

His secret? Toughness, gained by daily HARD PHYSICAL EFFORT. It gave him huge self confidence, which is what gets lost after accidents, failures, etc.

[Foxtrot's]

Love that Walter Gervais story. Also, if you have the right horse he will make Prelim feel easy - so, back off, regain your confidence at training, scjool Prelim, and select one of the smaller Prelim courses to start back in, perferably at the end of the season when you have followed Denny's advice and become really fit. There are no merit awards for going up a level if you don't feel like it.