a whine/college-student crisis

[onthealtar]

So this is my first year at college, first time away from home, etc. I was in a panic before I got here because I wanted to continue eventing but the equestrian team here only does flat and low-height jumping. By some rare streak of luck, I found a WONDERFUL opportunity as a working student at an eventing barn only 15 minutes away. I am responsible for cleaning just 8 stalls, 6 days a week. After work I am expected to ride 2 or 3 horses, one of which is essentially ALL MINE to compete(!) I'm also getting great experience with vet care (i'm hoping to go to vet school), learning how things work in an eventing barn. They pay me $7.50/hr for doing stalls and haul me to shows for free. I couldn't ask for a better deal. I am so fortunate to have this situation - I've never ridden so much in my entire life! I'm progressing really quickly and love the barn and the people there...

but...

I find myself really torn. Being at the barn 6 days a week and having a full (and difficult) class schedule leaves no time for anything else. I am very introverted and tell myself that I would still have no friends even if I didn't ride 24/7. But there are so many things that I really want to try in college. And yet, I don't.

I don't want to give up a single second of time doing something instead of riding. And I'm getting good...really good! I think I could go really far in just the 4 years I'm here for college.

I am literally terrified at the thought of not having horses in my life. It is my identity. I literally start to have anxiety when I think about "quitting" the barn in favor of something like drama. It's probably unhealthy for me to be like this, which is part of the reason why I'm wondering if I should take a hiatus. (even writing that made my stomach plummet). With this barn, it's all or nothing. Cutting back isn't feasible; even if I was allowed I know I would just be sucked back in (oh come on, ride one more horse today! :) )

Please tell me to cut it out. These 4 years are my last without any real financial responsibility (thank you dad for paying my tuition AND car insurance!!) I know I'm being stupid but I just can't help wondering how my life would be different, possibly better, without horses. The funny thing is that this is NOT me being "burnt out" - my passion is strong as ever. This woe-is-me usually hits when I'm sitting alone at the dining hall...again...getting weird looks for my breeches. :)

[TropicalStorm]

It's rough :(
I just finished my degree and am back in school. I have 30 hours a week of class, 25 hours a week of work and need to ride 2 horses.
It dooesn't really leave much time for socialization, and I maintain its the reason I havent' been on a date in two years. By the time I get home, I watch tv for an hour and hit the sack :D

I often wonder where I'd be without horses. I'd likely be a bit more out there, meeting people and having fun. But, ultimately, I do what I do because I truly enjoy being around horses, so while I regret the sacrifices to my social life (and my bank account) I still wouldn't change it

In your situation though, it could be that you are simply involved with horses too much. Maybe try to find a job that is outside of horses-one that would put you with a different group of people- that you could work at part time and then ride one horse 3-4 times a week. see how that goes for you.

[WorthTheWait95]

Do you live in a dorm or off campus? By the dining hall reference I would assume a dorm which means you probably have a roomate. If you do, do you interact/reach out to him/her?

I was very similar to you as a freshman. I went to school out of state, brought my horses with me and was/am almost painfully shy/introverted. I'm quite happy spending most nights by myself with my dog and a movie.

I found myself using the barn as an excuse to not interact with my peers. I've always been more comfortable with adults despite having a wide circle of friends in high school.

What I ended up doing was forcing myself to leave my room and do my homework out in the common area where my floor mates hung out. It was a co-ed floor/dorm and Ifigured I may as well try and meet other people while I was there since I had to take those hours to get my homework done anyway. One thing sort of led to another and I eventually got to know some of the guys living on my floor and became really good friends with them. We're still close to this day, I even live with one of them currently although we now have an apartment off campus.

I guess what I'm saying is to just try and put yourself out there a little. Things tend to happen naturally when you have an open mind and are willing to experience new situations and meet new people. Just keep a positive attitude and see what happens. The first year can be rough, especially for introverts. What helped me most was giving myself permission to be overwhelmed and retreat to the barn or my room for a little bit of alone time and to NOT feel guilty about spending alot of time with my horses. Hang in there!

[BuddyRoo]

I graduated from college just under 10 years ago.

While I was in college...I worked full time, was in a sorority, had my two horses back home (not too far away), had a long time BF, etc.

I busted my butt to pay the bills, get my education, make time for friends and in the end, the horses were the ones who got the short end of the stick. I thought all the school/social connections/working was important. I mean, the horses were well cared for but I didn't get to ride much.

With only one exception (my best girl friend).....the ONLY "things" I still have in my life 10 years later are those horses.

Well, one is now deceased at the age of 32--we had 25 years together. The other is turning 18 this year. And I've added another as well.

Just be true to what you love and the people who "get it" will be in your life. You really don't need the rest of the people. Seriously.

When you move across the country, change jobs, change circumstances, etc...you'll always make new acquaintances. But in my experience, when you're a horse person, it's the horse folks who you really connect with anyway...and the horses are your constant.

Stick with horses.

You don't need a lunch buddy. And you sure as heck don't NEED to be partying every night. Get an education, try to have some fun, and enjoy your hobby.

[pintopiaffe]

I gave up horses my Sr. year in HS and frosh year in college--at least until I made the Intercollegiate Equestrian team. I HATED myself. I was a miserable person. I am just not very nice to be around without horses.

Sophomore year I transferred schools, and was miserable. I'm horrible with meeting new people, and made a small group of friends through activities, one of whom brought me out to Faith Ranch, a working 4,250 acre cattle, sheep and HORSE ranch, in October. By the spring semester I was recruited for staff, worked there all summer, became a certified instructor, and that next fall (Jr year) had a 'company' car to commute. I lived at school--and am glad I did. I think I would have missed TOO much had I lived at the Ranch (which I could have, and did on weekends sometimes) even though it was free room and board and food and laundry...

I think I did ok. Graduated with very good grades, carried 21 credits all semesters, worked at the Ranch on Tues/Thurs and weekends. Had 110 +/- horses in my care. :D It was an amazing time. The Ranch was as much a part of my growth and education as the college degree. I begrudge neither. Did I miss some parties? Yeah. Do I keep in touch with anyone from college? No. From the Ranch? Yes. ;) Am I still using my degree? Only peripherally. 10 years in my field, making it to the top of that field, threw it away for moral reasons. Am I still using my experience from the Ranch? DAILY.

School never was a big deal for me socially the way it is for some folks. HS was awful. Very tough, wasn't popular or pretty... I had a niche in college within my (totally non-horsey)major, worked hard, got great internships and opportunities. But my time at the Ranch (3.5 years alltogether) were just as valuable and educational, in all aspects.

I think non-horsey folks will say "live and love and laugh while you can!" as far as school... I say get all that you can out of the time--especially if that means horsey opportunities you wont' be able to take once you have to work for your rent and car payment etc.

Life is short, do what fills your heart with joy and peace. GET the degree--don't do horses to the detriment of grades (or health!) but, if the horse opportunity is huge--run with that too. You'll never be this unencumbered again.

[Trakehner]

Your first responsiblity is school....if horses get in the way, drop horses.

You say you're pretty introverted...you may fall into the trap too many women riders do.

You've seen the women at the barn, their horse is their life, no real friends, very solitary and they've never developed the social skills necessary in life beyond the rudimentary levels.

Horses aren't going anywhere, cleaining stalls and riding 3 horses is a pretty full schedule as a job, much less a full-time student. You don't have to become a skank drinking in the bars every night as the opposite of all horses all the time. Lot's of people in college don't suddenly become drunk slatterns just because they're in college (although some sure try really hard).

Develop your social skills, learn of different hobbies/passions/worlds in college...that's part of the fun and challenge. You'll probably not be the only horseman in the bunch...but don't cloister yourself at the barn or in your books.

[monalisa]

Ditto Trakehner. You have only a few years to be in college and it will be gone before you know. Better enjoy it. Life is not a lot more fun once you have to work full-time and mom and dad don't pay your bills. Horses will always be there whether you are 20 or 60. Your college years will now.

[NCtoCO]

I am also a shy person about meeting new people and I feel more comfortable at the barn than at a party.

However, I forced myself to be more social in college and I'm glad for it. I was from a very small town and I went to a small high school (>70 students in my class). I decided to go to a large state university where I wouldn't know everyone.

I joined the equestrian team because, like the other posters, I can't imagine not having horses in my life somehow. It was a wonderful experience. Yes, the jumps were smaller, but that didn't matter to me. I loved being part of a team and having my niche on campus.

I also worked at the campus bookstore to meet people. I made great friends, which was less difficult than I expected since we were already working together (and I also got a nice discount on my books). I forced myself to talk to people at the gym, in the computer lab, and in class. Over time it became easier and easier to make friends.

Looking back, I wouldn't change a thing. Those four years were some of the best of my life and I still have many of my good friends. I rode the least amount I'd ever ridden (only 2-3 times per week), but I bounced right back after graduation and settled into a good routine of riding and working. I don't feel like my riding suffered for it. In fact, I'm a much more adaptable catch rider now after riding school horses for four years. And I appreciate it all more than I did before.

Is there any way to scale back horses a bit so you can have more free time to try some other things? I know you said this barn is all or nothing, and I can defintely understand that. Even though it's a great opportunity, if it doesn't feel like the best situation for you at this moment, I'd consider figuring out another riding situation that requires less time.

My best advice is to enjoy your college years while they last. Maybe you could give the more social approach a try, and the worst thing that can happen is you find out you miss horses too much, and you throw yourself back into riding. But at least you wouldn't wonder what it would have been like to try doing something different.

Best of luck to you and have fun!!

[Jealoushe]

There IS a way to have it all. In school most of the people I met and the friends I made were riders. Maybe you could join the riding team just for the social aspect, to meet people and have outings with other horse people?

You have a pretty routine schedule, pick some times where you would be able to have free time to do the normal college thing. I know people say to have fun while you are there, but in the big picture after 4 years where will your riding be? If you quit now, your riding will stay where it is or even diminish, and yes you might have good party memories but you can *still* find time to party and keep your job.

I always envied those people who were strong enough to avoid the parties and social scene to improve their riding careers.

[Frank B]

[Parental Mode = ON]
Your primary responsibility is to get an education, and that's what your parents are shelling out their hard-earned cash for. Don't short-change them!

Your courses come first, then, if you have time left over, the horses. With a good education and a good job, you'll eventually be able to afford your own horses.

Good jobs don't grow on trees, but are always available to those who put out the extra effort to make sure they're qualified and accomplish what is expected of them. This is true even in today's economy, though to a lesser extent. By the time you graduate, the economy should have worked its way out of the housing surplus and should be improving -- providing today's politicians don't plunge us head over heels into a depression with their reckless spending schemes.

You say you want to be a Vet. Guess what? Vets, at least the dedicated ones, don't have a whole lot of spare time either! Just ask one!

Piddle around through college and your future will probably be what you're doing right now -- mucking stalls as someone else's hired help.
[Parental mode = OFF]

Good luck in your future endeavors!

[LisaB]

I also agree with Trak. Also, think about this, you need those normal people skills when you get out of college for a job. You need to keep up your grades, that's the priority and also have a good major. Then learn to interact, it's hard, I know, believe me. Then that will enable you the skills to get a good job out of college and then you can have work life, and afford to have your separate horse life.
Is there a compromise on this job? Meaning, to scale back to 2-3 days a week and only ride 1 horse for them? Sounds like an awesome deal but unfortunately the timing sucks.

[equest]

I would ask your barn manager/employer if you could reduce your workload and responsibilities to a more manageable level. Could you work out an arrangement to afford you the chance to ride a few times a week and take a lesson, cleaning stalls three times a week instead of every day?


I agree that college is a very formative time in your life, and many people develop friendships and contacts that they maintain for years. You really need to create a balance so you can continue to enjoy riding as a hobby, but more importantly succeed academically, develop friendships, date, and just enjoy the college experience.

[findeight]

OK, cut it out.

You are wanting all the way committment in both school and horses and, you know what, YOU CAN'T DO IT. You are finding that out.

You have only 100% to work with. You can't be 100% at school and 100% at horses. It's also not healthy to go to 0% with the horses and a huge mistake to drop out of school.

So something has to give. I suggest 75% school and 25% horses.

Drop the barn job to part time and admit you do not have the time to clean 8 stalls as well as properly bring that project along with 2 or 3 others to ride 6 days a week. Drop some riding wise and go to 3 days a week.

Or broaden your riding skills and learn more about boring flat and low jumping while you develop some more social skills. You will need them in 4 years when you have to go support yourself. The better you are with people, the easier finding work will be. Anywhere, horses is more people skill and marketing then any raw talent and money, not talent, drives that machine.

One other thing...your belief that you will be really good in Eventing in 4 years? Sorry, pipe dream unless it is your horse and you can fund it yourself-they will sell anything out from under you once you get it going well. It's their business. Don't kid yourself, they may want to help you but their business is making and selling horses and that is going to trump providing you with top level mounts-unless you buy one.

[BlueEyedSorrel]

I didn't have a horse on campus then, but I also remember my first year of college not being the greatest when it came to friendships and meeting people. It didn't suck as much as high school, but I didn't feel like I really had a group I fit in with, either. Like you, I'm also kind of quiet and not good with big groups (I hated college parties!). Do not count on finding friends in your dorm necessarily. Dorm assignments have a strong element of luck of the draw to them. You could end of with people that you click with instantly, or you could be like me, and spend freshman year as the quiet, serious girl on a floor full of partiers. I made all of my lasting friendships outside of the dorm, in some club or extracurricular activity.

I know you said that the equestrian team's riding level is below your level, but maybe you could get involved in some other way--business manager, coach, fund raising? Aside from the equestrian team, are there any other clubs you're interested in? A pre-vet society? Sometimes things like campus newspaper or radio can be good if you're a little more quiet--lots of behind the scenes stuff to do, a tangible thing you produce, large staff of students to meet.

I agree that you probably need to cut back on the barn time, if for no other reason than that the classes only get more difficult with time. If you are pre-vet, I'm assuming that next year you will be taking ochem, yes? If you did only 3 days a week or only rode 1 horse, you'd still get your horse fix and have more time to study plus some kind of social life. If you are serious about getting into vet school, the grades have to be priority number one, as that is often the first screen schools use with applications (maybe not the best way, but the way it is). I wouldn't totally give up the barn, especially because it sounds like the practical experience you're getting is beneficial and vet schools like real world experiences.

Oh, and about getting sucked in to do more than you planned at the barn. You have to be the one to set limits for yourself now (no mom&dad to say "No barn today, you have to study"). This would be the same whether you were doing the horse thing or something else.

Good luck,
BES

[monstrpony]

What I'm reading is that you are handling the horses and schoolwork okay, but not having time for anything else, like a social life.

You've managed to land in an exceptional situation. If, indeed, you are handling schoolwork okay, I'd consider sticking it out for this year at least. You also want to be building a reputation for willingness to stick out tough situations; don't throw that away on a maybe.

Then, after completing this year, consider doing different next year.

I agree, college is your time for experimenting (within reason ;)) and you should try things other than horses. But this isn't a job waiting tables; you've landed in a really good opportunity, also part of your life education. You have three more years of college to try the other stuff.

Just consider that it might be important to stick something out, to respect the calendar of the college experience (tho this may be irrelevant to your employer, depends on whether or not they respect your academic commitment, in which case what I'm saying may not matter).

You probably have to make a decision; you don't have to make it today.

[Little Valkyrie]

I am so in the same boat as you. I ride my 3 horses (although I only have one going right now) plus work at the barn and horse sitting and keeping my own home barn on track. I commute to a predominantly residential college and pretty much know no one. I'm not terribly outgoing, and I'm pretty shy, so its hard to connect to people during the short time I'm actually on campus. And, to top it all off, I'm not having any fun at college and its no fun to have to fake how much you love college to people. On the other hand, I know that I would probably lose my mind without riding, and I have removed a lot of stress by taking a brief hiatus from competing and just having fun hunting and training. I changed my major so that type of stress is a bit relieved and now I'm debating getting into something on campus, but I'm afraid that its going to cut down on riding time. sigh. On the other hand, my outside-of-school friends and I are stronger than ever...but since they've all gone to college it is a bit harder to stay in really good touch.
So, I completely sympathize with you, and you can feel free to PM me if you ever want to rant...I get it.

[tx3dayeventer]

I know you said that the equestrian team's riding level is below your level, but maybe you could get involved in some other way--business manager, coach, fund raising?

OP, join the eq team anyways. I did. Lord knows they were jumping about 3 feet below what I was used to showing (Advanced level eventing & mini-prixs) but I had a BLAST!!! I rode in the Open Fences/Open Flat and did the western. The western, was so much fun that I actually still show in the reining and branched out to cutting.

If you are an eventer, then the flat classes will be an eye-opener. Not how us eventers are used to riding. :lol: I actually thought they required more work for me than the jumping classes.

I had so much fun, I stayed on the team for 3 years and was English captain for the last 2 years. Give it a try. If you really don't like it you can stop going.

[sublimequine]

You know what? Life is short. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY! :yes::yes::yes:

Do you enjoy being a working student? Do you love being there? Does it make you happy? Then keep on keepin on, girl! Make some friends at the barn, kill two birds with one stone. :D

[Carnelian]

All through high school I was introverted and "hid" behind my horse and the demands of competing. I was well liked in HS but it was understood that I was "too busy" for parties. I struggle posting the rest but here goes...

Midway through my senior year I basically had a mental breakdown started by my parents divorce and hitting its peak when a counselor told me my barn friends WEREN'T real friends, that I needed to get a boyfriend, have a "regular" set of friends my age, etc. It shook up my world to the point that I was basically catatonic and actually didn't go back to HS persay. I got a private teacher for the last semester and still finished 50th in a class of 1,000.

Move past my semester with BNT away from college...I decide to sell my horse. I go to another college, join a sorority, work on the school paper, basically get involved. All the while struggling with depression and feeling like I don't have any real friends. Except I do meet my future husband--married 15 years (a bit non-traditional since he was a professor :eek:). I've just never "fit in" with people my own age. Who cares!

Graduate. Join the sorority for adults: Junior League. Ditto on feeling like I don't belong. Quit after 5 years.

Became a re-rider at 35 and passion for horses is back in my life. Yes, barn friends are real friends. I consider my friends at the barn the first real friends since my high school days at the barn. I consider a 20-year-old college student one of my best friends.

So don't discount what you are doing at the barn. The "normal" college experience is what YOU make of it based on what YOU think works for YOU.

Yes, keep your grades up, but ABSOLUTELY stick with what you love, and don't feel like you need to be a joiner because that is what is considered normal.

I'm still an introvert until you get to know me. I still battle depression (biological so life-long), but I now have true friends that I met through a common love of horses. And, no, I don't muck stalls for a living. Successful career that allows me to have my horsey life.

[jen-s]

OP, go back and re-read monstrpony's post. As a fairly recent college grad (2003) who was a working student though school (on top of a nearly full time non-horsey job), I think she's dead on.

This is an incredible opportunity. As long as you can keep your grades up (and that absolutely, positively must come first), then take this time and learn everything you can. Ride every horse you can and compete as much as possible. Once you are out of school, your flexibilty time-wise is dramatically less and you will be supporting all of your needs (housing, car, food, horses, insurance, etc) and your opportunities for fun will dwindle somewhat.

If after some time, you realize that your current situation is unmanageable, or if at any point your grades slip, then take a step back and reevaluate.

If you find after a semester or two that you can manage the two schedules, but you need some changes in the horse end of things, then please consider joining the eq team as tx3dayeventer wrote. I loved being a part of my team (even though I didn't quite fit with what the team was doing) and found out that I had a fabulous talent for organizing and helping run the 2 IHSA shows that our team put on every season.

Good luck to you and please keep us posted with what you decide and how things are going. Have a blast whatever you do!