Still Grieving....

[Kim]

I lost my equine friend of 23 years on November 8.

Everyone tells me how well I handled her death and how well I am adjusting to the loss. However, I feel as if I am so "pent up" with sadness inside. It is worse at certain times...I feel like I just want to start crying, and, of course, it always happens at some inopportune time when crying would be inappropriate (such as at work).

I feel like I am doing "all the right things." I am enjoying spending time with my other horse. I have made tributes to my deceased horse; I had cards made and sent them to all of our friends, am planting a tree in the spring in her memory, had an animal communicator, and visited with her previous owner. Friends gave me a beautiful pencil drawing of her and my mom gave me a beautiful horse necklace. I treated myself to a haircut and facial and joined a gym to lose weight. I am being good to myself. Yet I still feel very vulnerable underneath it all -- and I know it is because I am not over this loss. (I am also going to a therapist to help me deal with it.)

Does anyone have any suggestions on helping me deal with this grief? I feel like it is stuck inside because I have been trying so hard to be strong. (Any time it comes to the surface, as I mentioned, it is usually at an inappropiate time.) Does that make any sense?

[hollyhorse2000]

Time. Just give yourself time. Don't feel you need to rush to get over this. It sounds like you're doing all the right things. You'll just feel lousy about it for a while. It will lessen eventually . . . Try not to be strong all the time. Let yourself cry at the times when it's OK to do so. So sorry . . .

[abbydp]

It makes total sense. I lost my old boy 3 years ago this April. There are times I still have a horrible time with it. My mom is an artist and paints ornaments every Christmas. This year she painted him on one for me. I knew what it was before I opened it and couldn't open it until I was home by myself. Those times are fewer and farther between every day. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. It will ease with time.

[Bayou Roux]

Sweetheart, let it out. Grief is grief, and some of us just need to let it out. It's okay, it's normal, you're normal.

There's no timetable for these things, so give yourself a break and just bawl it right out. If you're at work, take a "smoker's break" and step outside for a few minutes. Cry, breathe deep, and gather it back together as you can.

Your grief is acknowledgement of your deep, lasting love. There isn't anything more noble than to love with all your heart. Be okay with the fact that it hurts and you need to cry and talk about it. It's okay.

I'm sorry I don't have anything more to offer than reassurance that you're okay for feeling this way. But you are. Trust yourself.

[arabhorse2]

Why do you need to be "strong"? You're grieving, which makes you vulnerable, and that's OKAY.

First of all, you just lost your horse in November. Why do you think you should be over her death by now?

Getting on with life is one thing, but burying the grief and not acknowledging it are only going to backfire on you.

I lost my best and brightest in July of 2007. I still grieve for him. Not constantly anymore, but there are days where I miss him as if it was the first day after his death.

If you need to excuse yourself and go cry in private, DO it.

Time, and allowing yourself to grieve for your horse are the only things that will make it better.

Good luck.

[Alibhai's Alibar]

Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your special horse. I'm in a similar situation since I lost my 29YO horse in September 2008- he was my first horse and I had been riding him for almost 20 years. Your post really hits home since I've been doing everything I can to help with the grieving process. You're getting good advice. Give it time and let it out when you need to let it out. I think it's going to feel like this for a while.

When I lost Alibar, it was as if a light switch clicked off and my whole life changed so suddenly. Alibar was in my life through it all- college, high school, everything. I am a pretty tough cookie but I find myself getting emotional at the strangest times- certain songs and movies just get to me. I don't really like to talk about it much but I have a few trusted friends who have been very supportive and are amazing listeners. Sometimes I just share an old memory or two and it helps. I started a blog to chronicle the beginning of my life without him. I'm also planning to scatter Alibar's ashes at all of our favorite places where I have my fondest memories.

Another horse came into my life and working with him has helped me quite a bit. One of the reasons that I do so well with him is because he's the polar opposite of what Alibar was, looks-wise and personality-wise. I really tried to follow my gut instinct about going to the barn after Alibar's death. Some days, I could not get there fast enough and some days, I could not go at all.

[DairyQueen2049]

Kim - I lost my bestest horse pal In February of 2005. I miss her EVERY DAY still. But these days it is with less pain and more in celebration of the times we had.

It never hurts less, but it will hurt less often.

There is no time frame to grief. Some days it will come out of nowhere and hit you like a Mac Truck and you will cry your eyes out. Some days you will have the BEST memories and you will laugh out loud and rejoice that you knew her at her best.

Hold tight to the laugh outs and try to let the crys take care of themselves.

Sending you {{{HUGS}}} and sharing your pain it the best best best thing to do.

Call her mom and dad if you are especially in memories and share with them. They will thank you.


EDIT: I misunderstood that it was a human horse pal. Sorry. Same as above except for the calling of moms and dads. *blush*

[FlashGordon]

Kim once again, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.

You are doing everything right, in looking after yourself. I think the others are right, perhaps you do need to just let it out. It is ok to grieve, be sad, lay in bed in pajamas and cry for a few days. Sometimes you just need to do that.

It can be hard too, because I think non-horsey people expect you to be ok after a period of time.

I lost Dan four months ago. I miss him daily, and the oddest things will bring on the sadness. For me it is grieving his loss, and also, all the should-have-beens. I am immensely sad for the years we did not get to have together, though grateful for the short time we did have.

Have you made any attempt to go back to the barn or spend any time with the horses? I was sort of thrown back into the mix when an old TB came my way, and it did help. I returned to my childhood barn, with familiar faces (both horsey and equine) and that has helped immensely.

I've found that I do not resent my new horse at all, which I was worried I'd do. I don't compare him, either-- I only smile when he does something that reminds me of Dan.

Anyway, feel free to PM me anytime you need a shoulder. Hang in there.

[joharavhf]

I lost my equine friend of 23 years on November 8.

Does anyone have any suggestions on helping me deal with this grief? I feel like it is stuck inside because I have been trying so hard to be strong. (Any time it comes to the surface, as I mentioned, it is usually at an inappropiate time.) Does that make any sense?

It is going to take time. I lost my equine friend of 26 years in June and I still cry on occassion about him.

What helped me IMMENSELY was reading A Second Chance to Say Goodbye by Marianne Michaels. It was written along with Anita Curtis, a well known animal communicator. This book helps you "get in touch" with the other side. I read the book and was able to communicate MYSELF with my beloved Dancer.

It was after my visit from him that I realized what I wonderful LOVING life he lead, and how I was so lucky to have loved him....but that he wanted me to move on and be happy without him here in the flesh. That he'll ALWAYS be with me - and every once in a while, I feel his presence and just know he's watching from the other side.

I know this probably sounds whacky, but I firmly believe that without this "visitation" I would still be completely distraught. It allowed me some closure, and he had closure too.

Hang in there.

[Saidapal]

Admit you have a right to be sad and be sad.

Unfortunately even though we know its not true, you have that voice in your head saying "Hey, it was only a horse. Bull....he/she was your friend for 23 years. A true friend who you loved and who loved you back. That's a lot to lose.

I also lost my mare of 23 years back in September. She had been with me longer than my neice is alive, through numerous boyfriends, job loses, money troubles, troubles with the family, you get the picture and she had heard it all. When she died I also lost a big part of my history, an attachment to many good and bad times. She was so wrapped up in the fabric of my being for so many years it was a real blow to lose her. Do I miss her? You bet, and as much as I love my other horses they will never take her place. And they shouldn't. They are all carving their own places in my heart.

You don't need a deadline. Cry when you need to, laugh about the silly things you did together, and let time heal the wound, because the hole in your heart will never be filled. The sooner you accept that the easier it will be to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

[manyspots]

It never hurts less, but it will hurt less often.

I totally agree with this statement. I put down my boy October 20, 2006... a day I will never forget. He helped me grow up. He saw me through childhood, teen years and well into my 20s. He was there through my parent's divorce, my bad choices, poor relationships... but he was also there for my happiest moments. I will never forget what we had. I will never forget how he felt or what he smelled like...

And yes I still cry. A certain song gets me going everytime. But it does hurt less. He will never be replaced, but that is what made him soooo special. Time is all you need to feel more normal... those who haven't been through it will never understand, nor should you be pushed to deal with it in any other way.

Hugs.....

[Murphy's Mom]

I lost my old girl in April 2008. She was 31 (well, a few weeks short) and we had almost 22 years together. I think I was more upset several months after than I was when she died. Don't know why. I still cry at odd times when I think of her and all of our memories together. Let yourself grieve (you lost a friend!) and don't worry what others think. I'm attempting to make a photo collage of Whinnie and me through the years that I can hang in the house. I cry every time I work on it, but I also remember all the good times we had.

[Kim]

Thanks everyone.

It's tough. :(

My work colleagues have been very supportive (sent me a card and flowers when Chutney passed) but I also feel that I have to be "strong" at work. One of my close horse friends says that she "doesn't grieve" - she says she just "moves on" (which I personally don't think is very healthy, but that is my opinion). Obviously I cannot talk to her about it. Other friends try to listen but basically say that there is nothing I can do to bring her back, so I should just remember the good times and move on. I wish it were that simple. (SIGH) Then, of course, I also think that I was lucky to have had such a great horse for 23 years, and she lived a very long life (31.5 years), so I try to convince myself that I shouldn't be upset. :(

It's just that when I am alone and could cry for hours, the feeling doesn't hit me. It also doesn't seem to hit me when I am at the therapist's office...

Thanks again for listening.

[Nancy!]

You don't need to be strong. You need to grieve and how you do that depends on you as each one is different. I lost my first horse on November 4th. I'd had her over 24 years. I know she is not suffering now it is me who is.

My motto is one day at a time. It will get easier as time passes and you remember the good times.

My sympathies. I totally understand how you are feeling.

Nancy!

[PaulaM]

Kim,

my deepest condolences on the loss of your mare. This past September marked 2 years since Canasta had been euthanized. It has only been in the past 4 months that I have truly felt that I am "getting over" her loss. Give it time and you will start to feel better.

My poor Freddy had to deal with me comparing him to her for the first 2 years of he being in my life.

[Bluehorsesjp]

Kim it takes time. How much time I can't tell you, but in time you won't find yourself crying at work, or other inappropriate times. And in time there won't be so many sad memories, but happy ones.

I put my beloved horse down in July of 2006. It took me until November to actually start feeling like myself again. I was lucky, I had other horses to ride. Like you I put together tributes, planted a tree, had an AC out, made a point to be kind to myself. It's weird my calender from all those months is absolutely empty. Normally it is full of notes and appointments and plans. There was no way I could plan for anything.
Also I was "strong" as well. I wouldn't cry in front of my husband, but I would cry when I did night check. Everyone kept talking about how strong I was. But for a long time I was just dying inside.
Keeping doing what you are doing. You are doing it all right. It just is going to take time.
Oh and the best advice I had came from my chiropractor around October. I mentioned that I was still grieving. He said "No one would expect you to be "over it" if it was your brother. "

[Foxtrot's]

I can't help you with anything wise or deep - Just wanted to say that the people who care the most are the ones that hurt the most inside. That means you are a kind, decent and sensitive person, and the world could do with more carers out there. Pain is pain and you cannot 'tell' it to go away. Be patient with yourself. I'm sorry.

[Bluehorsesjp]

Thanks everyone.

It's tough. :(

My work colleagues have been very supportive (sent me a card and flowers when Chutney passed) but I also feel that I have to be "strong" at work. One of my close horse friends says that she "doesn't grieve" - she says she just "moves on" (which I personally don't think is very healthy, but that is my opinion). Obviously I cannot talk to her about it. Other friends try to listen but basically say that there is nothing I can do to bring her back, so I should just remember the good times and move on. I wish it were that simple. (SIGH) Then, of course, I also think that I was lucky to have had such a great horse for 23 years, and she lived a very long life (31.5 years), so I try to convince myself that I shouldn't be upset. :(

Right before she passed, I was also dealing with a breakup with a guy that I had been dating who turned out to be very emotionally unstable (and actually, more than potentially violent). I really did care for him, so that "wound" is also still there so to speak. I find myself thinking about him, and I think it is just because I feel so vulnerable without my wonderful horse. She was the one who was there for me through all of the milestones of my life, and I hate that I cannot put my arms around her neck and feel safe anymore. I do love my other horse and am bonding with her much more now, but we don't have that history of being together since I was a kid.

It's just that when I am alone and could cry for hours, the feeling doesn't hit me. It also doesn't seem to hit me when I am at the therapist's office...

Thanks again for listening.

Kim,
I went through something similar. You are not only greiving for your Chutney but for who you were with that her.
I didn't just grieve for my horse, but for the girl I was when I bought him who could just pick up and go to a horse show or drive across the country at a moments notice. For the 32 year old that I was with him. I only had him for a short 8 years, but grew up a lot of that time. With out him it was like loosing an anchor (yep a hot OTTB as an anchor :D)
I did spend quite a bit of time on the Hoof beats in heaven yahoo group site. I was able to talk about memories and my horse for way longer than all my friends would listen to.
Hang in there, I can promise it will get better. I just can't tell you when.

[Woodland]

Kim,

My Mickey died 2 years ago this coming April 27th - Just typing this I am crying. God I LOVED that horse! I miss him every day! And even though God sent me a new horse to love(it's a great story - because I was never going to get another horse just for me), He is not my Mickey.

My Husband bought a stone for Mickey's grave - which is in my big pasture. It says "I will listen for your hoof beats in heaven". And I will I just know God I just know I will hear them too!!!:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:

[animaldoc]

It takes a long time to get over the loss of a special companion. There are pet loss hotlines - like this one at the University of IL that can help you with the process if you like.

http://vetmed.illinois.edu/CARE/

So sorry for your loss.....

[DressageGeek "Ribbon Ho"]

Not much to add, but sending hugs. We will always be here to listen.you ar

[Mia412]

Hearing that other people are going through the same thing makes me feel better. The other day I was in a store and saw a clearance display of candy canes and started to cry. They were a favorite of my old guy, who I lost last March. I used to buy him all the sale candy canes I could find after Christmas. Sometimes the grief just sneaks up on me, usually at odd times.

[Cayusepapoose]

When I saw the title "Still grieving..." by someone named Kim, it was like another wallop in the stomach. My name is Kim and I lost my best friend of over 20 years- my mare Mischief- at 6:45 pm on Christmas eve. I'm still having a lot of difficulty dealing with her absence. I miss her smell, her warmth, her sweet breath, her sense of humor, her voice, her godawful beauty even at 24. It just kills me sometimes to still see the imprint of her body in the snow here. I know EXACTLY how you feel.

[War Admiral]

Hearing that other people are going through the same thing makes me feel better. The other day I was in a store and saw a clearance display of candy canes and started to cry. They were a favorite of my old guy, who I lost last March. I used to buy him all the sale candy canes I could find after Christmas. Sometimes the grief just sneaks up on me, usually at odd times.

Yeah....... sigh... I really HATE when it sneaks up on you in public.

I was at a tack shop buying stuff for the New Kid and right there on the wall they had a honkin' big oversized jumping hackamore which would have fit the Old Man perfectly for our "grazing rides". Without even thinking about it I reached out and grabbed it and then remembered... "I don't have Avery; I don't need this anymore" and started crying right in the middle of the store. :cry:

Hugs to you, Kim, you're not by ANY means alone.

[AiryFairy]

It's hard, and it's long, and it's a process you have to go through step by step. You have the immediate reaction of shock and horror, which goes on for weeks. I could barely hold myself together at work and once in the car would burst into tears and cry all the way home. Once I was able to get that out of my system and under control, it became more sporadic, hit me at the strangest times, unexpectedly. There is a deep, quiet sadness that sets in afterwards. Months and months of that, at the time I decided to adopt a dog, and I was amazed at how I could be laughing at her one minute and crying the next. She helped, though, and I have to say there's nothing so healing as giving to another animal in need.

It's just going to take time, they leave an awfully, awfully big hole. In my case it was the end of an era and my life as I knew it, no more owning horses, too expensive. I grieved for that as well.

[Drummerboy]

Yup, I lost my boy the first week of Novmeber, 2008 and had to fly the following day to Tx for a show/family trip. Bad idea. On the way home I just sat in the plane and cried. Its good to hear other people are going through the same thing. Mine was my one true light, always there, ALWAYS happy, this was the hapiest being I ever knew! And now its just like, poof, the light is all gone and all thats left is dark.

I have had animals and horses forever and I have never had it be this bad, always been able to reationalize, circle of life blah blah blah. This time, not so much.

So, OP, looks like you have some company...thanks for posting, it was good to read the replies.

hugs

[Gunnar]

Oh Kim my heart breaks for you! You know I know but even that doesn't help! :sadsmile: Time is all i can offer you! Gunnar took some time to get over and I still have a sad moment.:sadsmile: What does come when the sadness is not so intense is the good memories.:) Special Gunnar moments that I share with others who knew him!:eek::winkgrin: I am sure there are many special Chutney moments to make you smile thru the tears at least! :yes:

While Bodie is my boy he is not Gunnar. I still tell him "you ain't no Gunnar!" :lol: But my time spent with Bodie and Rosie is the best medicine. Spend more time with you Gracie girl, cry on her shoulder, tell her how much you miss Chutney.............

As for the emotions coming at bad times that will get better too?! What does your Therapist say? do they have any good advice or do they just listen?:confused:

for now just try to accept your grief and know that you are not alone and that is very normal! We are here for you anytime so come back and let us know how you are!

Hugs to you my friend! My thoughts are with you! :sadsmile:

[LouLove]

"I don't have Avery; I don't need this anymore" and started crying right in the middle of the store. :cry:

Hugs to you, Kim, you're not by ANY means alone.

I am with you Kim, and War Admiral. The cries happen so unexpectedly. And I am still programmed to go and get the bag of carrots or the canola oil when I am doing ordinary groceries. I lost Lou on November 30. She was only 17 and died from colic. We went through a lot together. She changed me forever.

I talk to Lou all the time. Maybe it's weird? I dunno. I think it is me - grieving. I miss her everyday. Allow yourself to miss them. Cry. Just say to yourself that, "Everytime I cry I am justifying that Chutney was worth every minute with me...". You won't feel odd crying anymore ;).

Hugs to you and to everyone else who lost their great in 2008. Stupid 2008.

[FlashGordon]

Right before she passed, I was also dealing with a breakup with a guy that I had been dating who turned out to be very emotionally unstable (and actually, more than potentially violent). I really did care for him, so that "wound" is also still there so to speak. I find myself thinking about him, and I think it is just because I feel so vulnerable without my wonderful horse. She was the one who was there for me through all of the milestones of my life, and I hate that I cannot put my arms around her neck and feel safe anymore. I do love my other horse and am bonding with her much more now, but we don't have that history of being together since I was a kid.

It's just that when I am alone and could cry for hours, the feeling doesn't hit me. It also doesn't seem to hit me when I am at the therapist's office...

Thanks again for listening.

Oddly I was thinking this thread, as I went about my day, and wanted to add something along these lines... Chutney was probably a rock in your life, a stable, warm, safe presence. I suspect you miss that immensely.

While I did not have Dan long, finally having him in my life was like coming home! Very bizarre I know. But in most all of my relationships with humans, I always seem to be the tougher, stronger one and rarely get a chance to let my guard down. For some reason with Dan, I felt like I could let go. It was a safe, comfortable feeling. I miss that presence.

I wish I had more advice on how to move past the sadness. I suspect as DQ said, it will never hurt less, just less often...

May many good things come your way, both in horse life and in rest of your life... sounds like you are due for a positive run!

Hugs.

[Foxtrot's]

I don't recall if it was mentioned. Are you horseless?

Gosh, I just said goodbye to my daughter because she was here at Christmas and she's only gone overseas - I can still feel tender and tears are threatening.

[Kim]

Thanks, everyone, for the kind words. It helps to know that I am not alone.

I gave Gracie big hugs last night and this morning. I am really enjoying my "alone time" with her, because Chutney always took "center stage" when she was alive. I think Grace is enjoying being an "only horse" now.

[NCtoCO]

I am so sorry for your loss. You're doing a lot of strong things to help you through it, and it's very admirable. Time will eventually help your happy memories overshadow the sad moments.

I'm in no way trying to make this about me, but I'm finally at a place where I can actually talk about this. I hope it will help!

Last year, the horse I'd had for 15+ years passed away just a few weeks after my mom suddenly passed away. My horse wasn't there to help me through my mom's passing, and my mom, who I always thought I would grieve with over the horse, was gone as well. That was a very tough time in my life and I distracted myself from the grieving process by focusing on moving, finding a new job, and finishing graduate school ... all things that I was already doing and couldn't ignore. I was so consumed with other things and I didn't make time to find a new horse or a new barn. While I liked having the distraction, it wasn't healthy. Pushing grief aside wasn't very helpful in the long run and I didn't ride for several months, which I sorely missed. My husband, dad, sisters, and friends just couldn't take the place of horses. They really are the best therapists!

Out of the blue two months ago, a horse found me through the "horseless riders and riderless horses" thread. She's wonderful. She looks an awful lot like my old guy, though her personality and temperament are very different. I feel as though we were brought together when the time was right. Because of all the healing time, I'm able to smile, laugh, and enjoy this wonderful mare instead of being overwhelmed by sadness. Her owner is a fabulous, generous person and I am grateful beyond words.

Please don't pressure yourself to follow any type of timeframe or what you think you "should" be doing or feeling. Grief is hard, it is overwhelming at times, and it also appears at inappropriate times. But it also helps you turn loss and despair into gratitude and happy memories over time.

I remember my mom telling me once that we should be grateful to have a reason to feel a loss -- that means we shared something amazing. Which you obviously did!

Big hugs and prayers that brighter days are ahead for you. :)

[HookedOnReefing]

Kim,

I am so sorry for your loss.

You are perfectly normal! It has ONLY been 2 months. You lost a companion that you had a bond with since childhood. You've been with Chutney for most of your life. The average person grieves for 2 to 3years over a major loss, some longer and some shorter. It will be very hard at times but it does get better with time. Give it time, as long as you may need.

Grieving imo is normal. "Getting over it" or "just moving on" is not.

[maxxtrot]

kim, i too know how you feel. mine is still very fresh in my mind as he just passed on jan 4th. he was my retried upper level eventer. he was such a tough ole bird. i had him 15-16 yrs. and he was/is the love of my life.(ok, the tears are coming) we think he was around 23-25. vets and i think internal cancer took him so suddenly. it was like one minute he was fine, and then he started to drop weight and then was really not interested in eating(not like him at all )we tried to help him, just nothing seemed to work. he died in my arms, looking at me telling him, it was ok to go:( i miss him so much and not sure if that hole in my heart will ever go away. i hope his spirit stays here with me at the farm, and god i hope one day to be able to see, hear, smell him again.so, i do know who hard itis for you right now. i never thought it would be so painful, he was like a child to me. he was a rescue, and would not let just anyone handle him. he taught me so much, and because of that, i can ride pretty much any horse. he was tough, but very talented, and did not give you an inch. you worked for everything you got with him.
maxxwell- i love and miss you so much.
kim, my heart aches for you.

[Kim]

Thanks everyone. I'm not sure if any of you have dealt with this, but so many friends, in trying to "say the right thing," have said things like:

"You should be happy, because she lived such a long life."
"You shouldn't be upset, because her death was peaceful."
"She is happy and at peace now, so you shouldn't be upset."
"You have another horse - you should just be happy that you have her."

I AM thankful and happy that Chutney is at peace, but darn it, I miss my lifelong friend!! I know that folks mean well, but hearing these things over and over just makes me feel worse! It makes me feel guilty that I AM upset over losing her...like I shouldn't be, and I think it is part of the reason why my grief is all bottled up inside. :(

Any insight? I am going to the therapist today, so that will hopefully help.

[grayarabpony]

I think you should tell your friends, who are well-meaning but not being helpful, that she was in your life a long time but it doesn't mean you're not going to miss her NOW. The hardest part of a loss isn't right when it happens, but the days and weeks and months afterward as one tries to deal with the void left by the loss of the loved one.

[dressage.life]

I hope your doing well!
I am really sorry for your loss...I am praying for you!

[Ponyclubrocks]

It's just that when I am alone and could cry for hours, the feeling doesn't hit me. It also doesn't seem to hit me when I am at the therapist's office...

Thanks again for listening.

Just a thought that you might consider discussing with your therapist. Chances are that when you are actively thinking about your loss, your emotional containment walls are actively engaged as well because on some level you are afraid of being overwhelmed by your grief. When you are at work and your mind is engaged in other activities, your guard walls go down, then the sadness in your subconscious seeps through and catches you off guard. Your therapist should be able to help you let those walls down. Sadness can seem very scary but I absolutely believe if you let the feeling flow, you will find great relief and over time the grief mellows to where your thoughts about your horse will be predominantly about your happy memories...

Take care and I am so sorry for your loss.

[lovemyoldguy]

Kim,

I don't have anything profound to add here...I just wanted you to know that I'm still thinking about you and keeping you in my thoughts & prayers. I'm really glad that you're seeing a therapist; I'm a firm believer in that. This might get me flamed (I hope not), but don't be afraid of a course of antidepressants to help you get through this, if your therapist and doctor think that might help.

This is a really tough time for you, and any well-meaning person who says "You had her for so long" or "She went peacefully" or "You have another horse" just isn't helping. I know that my gelding, who passed away on Saturday, was my EVERYTHING for so long...my entire life revolved around him. You just can't get over that in a short amount of time. It's ok to not be ok right now.

Hang in there (don't try to be strong....just hang in there), and know that we're all here for you and we really do understand. PM me anytime if you want to talk.

[FlashGordon]

Thanks everyone. I'm not sure if any of you have dealt with this, but so many friends, in trying to "say the right thing," have said things like:

"You should be happy, because she lived such a long life."
"You shouldn't be upset, because her death was peaceful."
"She is happy and at peace now, so you shouldn't be upset."
"You have another horse - you should just be happy that you have her."

I AM thankful and happy that Chutney is at peace, but darn it, I miss my lifelong friend!! I know that folks mean well, but hearing these things over and over just makes me feel worse! It makes me feel guilty that I AM upset over losing her...like I shouldn't be, and I think it is part of the reason why my grief is all bottled up inside. :(

Any insight? I am going to the therapist today, so that will hopefully help.

I think people say these things when they don't know WHAT to say.

Doesn't matter how your horse passed, how long you had her, if you have another, etc... the pain is still going to be there, ya know? And I don't think there is anything that can quicken the healing process.

I guess all you can do is remember this is all very normal, even if friends/family don't always "get it." Seek out people who DO understand, as I am sure they will be able to offer some comfort to you. Sometimes all you need is someone to listen who can relate.

When Dan passed, my dad immediately wanted to buy me another horse, and my friends all graciously offered up their own horses for me to ride/groom/etc. But I didn't want to do any of that. I just wanted DAN. It was hard to decline the very generous offers without feeling like a brat... but I tried to remember that it was ok to grieve in my own time and not rush into anything I wasn't ready for. Even now, I'm a bit relieved that both myself and my rehab pony are tied up with health issues-- I have zero desire to ride. Riding makes me cry! Weird I know.

Anyway man hugs to you today. We're all here, whenever you need an ear...

[gdolapp]

It is something you will never get over because you will never forget your horse. Your
horses memory will live on with you.

I lost one on November 30, 1985 Got her on Dec. 25th 1979 to a barn accident
I lost my daughters first pony on April 29, 1998 complications from an uper respitory infection
I lost my gelding on May 8, 1998 to a pasture accident. Burried him next to the daughters pony
I lost my life long horse on February 13, 2003 he was 33 years old had a heart attatck survived it went right in to shut down. Burried him with almost two foot of frost line.

Each one of theese horses was a part of me. For as long as I am alive they will live on
in my memories.

It does over time get easier to handle. Yes you will find your self crying on occasion
or smiling because you remember something fun you did with them. Or asking a riding
buddy do you remember when...........But is something that will never go away, at least
for me it hasn't.

[Jaideux]

Compound loss ain't pretty. Though no one in the following situation passed away, I still lost them in a way. It's not the same as what you're going through, but it's similar enough that I wanted to let you know you are not the only one who is or has or will go through this.

I found out my trainer lied to me about drugging my horse at a show that I didn't go to, and he was fired from the barn. Then I realized that my dad, despite his good intentions, is a TERRIBLE person for me to confide in because his truly just trying to help only make me feel worse. Not too long after that, I found out the first boy I ever loved was cheating on me... with my ex best friend. Lots of loss. It took me a long time to recognize that dealing with all three of those at a similar time was a LOT harder than dealing with one at a time, back to back. You've lost two important influences in your life, and in this kind of situation 2+2=6.

Therapy should help. From my own experience I do want to encourage you, once you feel safe enough in the therapeutic environment, to trust that your CAN be brave enough to let the fullness of your grief hit you. Your therapist will keep it from devouring you, and you can start to air out those corners that really need it. It took me a long time to learn that my sadness is NOT a endless well, and that I will recover when I take the emotional plunge. Once I did that, I was a lot better at moderating my emotions at other times, too. It wasn't, "I must hold this all back now and forever because I'm afraid of how sad I can feel"... it became "I must hold this back because I'm in the middle of the store but when I get in the car, I'm going to let it happen. And I'll do it again when I get home if I want to". Practicing in the safe environment of therapy goes a long way towards allowing you to skillfully act when you're outside of therapy and get hit with this stuff, as is inevitable.

And if you DO figure out a way people can help... let them know! I finally told my dad that when I come to him upset about something, I just want him to listen and say, "Oh my, you poor thing, let me offer you sympathy" and give me a hug, not launch into Dad-must-fix-it-NOW mode. When I'm upset and moody, I tell my close friends that I want to be around them but I don't want to interact. I want to be a passenger for the next few hours, not an active director. Not only do I get what I'm looking for, but I'm also able to help those who truly want to help me, well, help me!

I haven't really grieved the loss of my cat of 18 years yet. Too busy... ignoring the fact that I'm still upset and pretending that I'm "psychologically well adjusted"... lame stuff. Your post has inspired me to walk the walk and take the time out to sit and cry and talk about him and start chipping away at all the tears I have built up as a reflection of all the strong, wonderful feelings I have about my time with him.

::hugs::

Good luck.

[Thomas_1]

Time.

Just takes Time.

With time you start to remember the good and the pain fades to a dull ache and then becomes more distant.

Its just this year that I can watch videos of my horse that I lost 4 years ago without having to hold back tears. Now I find that watching them triggers happy memories with him. Earlier it just reminded me of the loss and the gap in my life.

I'm not into animal communicators and therapy and all that "stuff". I'm of the opinion that it's normal and proper to feel pain and sadness and to grieve and it's something you just go through and time sorts it out if you keep a perspective on things.

In the early days of loss and grief though I highly recommend total indulgence and self pity and Puccini's La Boheme or Madam Butterfly at full volume with a malt whiskey and box of tissues. If anyone asks if you're o.k. then snap back "OF COURSE NOT!". It works for me ;)

[Coreene]

Time, which flies when you so desperately need it and drags at times like this, when it helps you heal, is such a miraculous thing. But even now it is working hard at smoothing grief's raw edges. And forever continues to do so. :sadsmile:

[CB/TB]

As others have said - TIME. You never forget, you don't want to forget and you shouldn't forget. Grief IS the price we pay, and we know that going in. We can't give them immortality , but we love them while they're here- that's all we can do. I lost my Lacey at teh beginning of December and I'm missing her terribly, but with that comes the knowledge that she passed at the right time for both of us. With this weather we've been having I know she wouldn't have made it through. She would have fallen and we wouldn't have been able to get her up. She was ready and I'm sure yours was too. I know it's easy for us to say remember the good times. It's hard. I am finding it easier than I ever thought I would because I know it was the right time for her. I've lost 4 horses over the years , prior to Lacey , one of them a 7 month old, and they were all hard to let go- but they are all in a better place now. I know, and I'm sure you do , too that it was the best gift you could give. Grieve, cry , even yell. It's not fair, but it's a fact we have to deal with , each in our own time frame. We're all here for you and we have each other's shoulders to cry on, We do understand.

[Mariesonny]

No advice, just ((())).

We've all been there and it is never easy. This board is a wonderful place to go to hear from and 'talk' to folks who truely understand. Often friends and family are just not enough. They have never had that special bond with a horse and just don't understand.

[slc2]

Grief is part of life, and part of being a healthy human being. Remembering a beloved animal often is painful, but it's a part of a rich and beautiful life, and a very good life, to care for animals and to have them in our lives.

The feeling a person gets from caring for and riding a horse really is different from all other types of relationships with other animals. Horses have a power yet a vulnerability that appeals deeply to the human heart in a way no other animal quite does. That they carry us and we get a glimpse of what it means to be able to run and jump and have that power means we have a special bond with them. That with all that grace and power they look to us for care makes it even more unique.

But don't measure your love by how miserable you are...if you're actually getting depressed, and life is really getting impossibly difficult and feeling empty, rather than just struggling, seek help.

[HighFlyinBey++]

In April 2005, I lost my son's 4 year old gelding to a preventable pasture accident that the BO covered up/lied about (she blamed my pony & tried to convince me to put her down :eek:) The shock of losing him so suddenly sent me into a tailspin. I had 3 other horses of my own & a barn full of others to care for, so I threw myself into their care till I could leave that hellish place a month later. About the same time, I had lost my professional job, had a couple temporary ones & was heading toward divorce, so home life wasn't exactly pleasant either.

I'd been a dedicated show rider (took 3 at a time most shows), but I stopped riding completely. I've only been to one show (July 2005) since Marcus died. Since then, I think I've ridden a grand total of less than 2 dozen times (though I did lose a year to a cross country move followed by cancer treatment).

I also lost my 34 year old gelding to old age two years ago this month. He'd remained in Wisconsin due to his age, so I was not there when he was put down. He was my first (and third) horse and remains the only one of my animals that I was not with at the moment of death.

Someone, also a horse owner, recently told me I wasn't a "real horsewoman" or some hogwash, because I didn't ride--I just groomed occasionally & paid my bills. Apparently I just owned them for bragging rights because I had no real reason to avoid riding, as if all the emotional trauma of losing my horses, divorce, moving & illness didn't matter. Pfffffttt. Whatever. My emotions are on their own time-scale, not anyone else's, so bite me ::see-the-birdie::

It's been 4 years of hell and I'm finally feeling ready to get back in the saddle. I've even chosen a new discipline to tackle. I'm starting over with clean slate and new goals.

Give yourself time. You'll heal at your own pace. There's no hurry. (((HUGS)))

[Cayusepapoose]

Since Mischief's death 3 wks ago, I've tried to do as much as I can to be practical and "forward moving" about it but I'm constantly reminded of how pre-occupied I am with it all. Here in BC, we pay for gas before we fill our vehicles and I've driven off 4 times now without gassing up after paying. They've gotten used to it now at the station; the last time the attendant just smiled and said"Pump 6 is ready for you again". So I fill up and get out of there and cry most of the way to where I'm going.

[birdsong]

Time will heal your heart. I still call one of my horses by my now deceased companion of 21 years, name sometimes...He's still there in the back of my mind but the pain is now gone.

Its been 5 years.

[Milocalwinnings]

It's only been a couple months. Sometimes it doesn't get easier for a few years or more.

On my birthday in April 2006 I lost the pony mare I had been leasing to a bad colic. My last memory of that pony was her grazing in the pasture while the vet got ready and then her giving a huge whinney right before we euthanized her. I will never forget that whinney. :sadsmile: It was hard on me because I was really attached to her and she trusted me more than anyone (she was abused in the past)- but it helped to know that we had done the right thing.

Then, a month later my Anglo-Hanoverian, "once in a lifetime" mare, came down with Guttural Pouch Mycosis (an extremely serious infection that attacks the guttural pouch and carotid artery). She hemorrhaged on the way to the medical center and was euthanized when we walked in the door. I remember sitting with her while we waited for a friend to get to the barn with the trailer, just telling her how much I loved her. At that time it really hit me how she was "the one" and how much more I liked her than my gelding (who I still hvae, but is not "the one"). I was devastated.

After I lost the second mare, I still went to care for the horses and spent a lot of extra time there (I spent the nights on weekends like I normally did) but I would go out, do my chores (I worked for my geldings board) and then would just sit around. I didn't ride for 3 months. The BO tried to get me on a horse and I just wouldn't do it. I really did not feel like riding. I stopped spending time with my other gelding (who I still have, but is not "the one" like the anglo-hano. mare). About 3 months after I had to put the anglo-hano. mare down, I started really getting attached to a TB gelding. I had know him since I had been working at the barn and he had a lot of issues with people- a lot of people were afraid of him because he'd make nasty faces at them, and was very food agressive at feeding. But he and I got a special bond and I started really spending a ton of time with him.... while still pretty much ignoring my gelding. I loved that horse. I don't know why, but we had that bond and I was in the process of trading my gelding for him when things went downhill with the BO and I. I still regret not trading for him or buying him.

It's been over 2.5 years and I still miss both mares every day, especially the Anglo-Hano. mare. She was incredible. Had a typical chestnut mare personality but was so trusting and would have been fantastic for anything- we would have kicked butt in eventing or dressage. I still cry at night missing her- it's been 2.5 years.

The biggest thing that helped me was the TB gelding. I grew very attached to him and although he was not my once in a lifetime horse, he was very special to me- so spending time with him really helped. Another thing that really helped was the fact that I HAD to care for the other horses (the BO was on vacation in Florida during the whole ordeal with Anglo-Hano. mare, and I was caring for the horses for 2 weeks while she was gone...)- so I would clean stalls with another boarders older daughter and vent to her about everything. When I was caring for the other horses, I couldn't think about the mare. I had to pay attention to what I was doing at the time.


Give it time- it will take more than a few months. It probably won't ever go away. But it does get easier... and it's ok to cry if you need to.:sadsmile:

[Coreene]

Birdsong, I know what you mean. If I has a dollar for every time I've accidentally called Oliver "Willem" over the last 5 1/2 ywars, I could buy him some obscenely expensive pimp-my-ride super high end Passier weymouth bridle.

[Sansena]

No suggestions. Just a hug.

This wont' make you feel any better, but it took me 5 years to get over the death of my first chow, Jesse, whom I had since 6 weeks old. She was diagnosed w/cancer, and PTS in her 13th year. It hurt just the same for years afterward.. only comfort I have is knowing we'll meet again one day.

As you will be with your mare. Until then, try to live a good life and look fondly back on the time you had together.

[tbmorgan]

Nothing particular to add here...others have given you good advice! Just wanted to let you know that I understand your pain. I lost my beloved Fire this past August 16, to cancer. She was 25, and I'd had her her whole life. I have her wonderful son, Amos...her precious gift to me, and in whom she lives on...but it doesn't stop me missing her terribly. We had such a history together, Fire and I...I'm just totally lost without her. I'm just taking things a moment at a time. That's all I can do.
Anyway, my heart is with you, and with all the others who have lost their dear ponies/horses.

Katja

[TheJenners]

I'm still broken inside. If I could have died that day, I would have. If I could have traded five years of my life for her to have five more, I would have. I still have a blackness inside that nothing touches. Either time will heal it, or I can learn to live with an emptiness. But right now, I'm still just functioning when it comes to all things horse.

[War Admiral]

I have this horrible feeling that, for me, the worst is yet to come.

We were talking yesterday here at the farm about the fact that we no longer have The Bombproof Schoolmaster Horse - one who can keep his wits about him when all others are losing theirs. The one you can rely on to give a young horse a lead over ANYTHING, ANY time, no matter WHO is on his back or in the lines.

That horse was Avery. :cry:

I think when the weather breaks and we really start getting all the Baby Quarter Heese out and about - and when I start my unbacked 3 y/o - I'm going to be crying every single day.

It's bad enough now, but it's gonna be worse even then. HRH was not just *my* security blanket - he was eeeeeeeeeeverybody's security blanket. :cry:

[ESG]

I lost my equine friend of 23 years on November 8.

Everyone tells me how well I handled her death and how well I am adjusting to the loss. However, I feel as if I am so "pent up" with sadness inside. It is worse at certain times...I feel like I just want to start crying, and, of course, it always happens at some inopportune time when crying would be inappropriate (such as at work).

I feel like I am doing "all the right things." I am enjoying spending time with my other horse. I have made tributes to my deceased horse; I had cards made and sent them to all of our friends, am planting a tree in the spring in her memory, had an animal communicator, and visited with her previous owner. Friends gave me a beautiful pencil drawing of her and my mom gave me a beautiful horse necklace. I treated myself to a haircut and facial and joined a gym to lose weight. I am being good to myself. Yet I still feel very vulnerable underneath it all -- and I know it is because I am not over this loss. (I am also going to a therapist to help me deal with it.)

Does anyone have any suggestions on helping me deal with this grief? I feel like it is stuck inside because I have been trying so hard to be strong. (Any time it comes to the surface, as I mentioned, it is usually at an inappropiate time.) Does that make any sense?

I lost my beloved Andalusian stallion nearly six years ago. I still miss him every day, and still cry when I think about him. It will take you MUCH longer than a couple of months to heal. Grief is a process, and everyone takes different amounts of time to work through it. You're on the right track with being good to yourself and enjoying your other horses, but that's not going to preclude your pain. It sucks, but you have to just feel the pain when it comes, and go on. It will get better, but it takes a damnably long time. Don't try to avoid it, either; you'll only end up with more issues.

My sincere condolences for your loss. :cry:

[yellowbritches]

Grief doesn't just stop, it lessens and gets more bearable, but, really, it will never totally go away. I lost my dad 5 years ago, and while I usually am fine, every now and then I end up needing to have a good cry (my family refers to them as "blueberry cobbler moments"...cute story behind that), or just terribly miss him, or am sad that there are things in my life that he will never get to experience with me. I am basically normal. I don't break down in tears at the mere mention of him or when I look at pictures of him, but I still miss his and grieve that he is gone. I'm pretty sure I will do that forever.

I lost an incredible dog almost 4 years ago (Oh my God!). It was very sudden and totally unexpected, and probably even more painful than the initial grief of Dad (probably because we had 10 months to say goodbye to Dad and get comfortable with the idea that he was leaving us). That dog was so much a part of me, and having her suddenly ripped out of my life was tragic...I thought I was going to die. But the initial soul crushing grief eased up, and eased more when I brought a new dog into my life (equally, but very differently as incredible), and now my grief for my wonderful companion is similar to my dad's. I miss her and I think about her, but for the most part I'm ok. I can look at her pictures now without crying (that took a very long time), but every now and then I just really, really miss her.

Same goes with the two incredible horses that were put down within a year of each other. I was heartbroken and I grieved, and I still grieve. But I can think about them without the tears, but every now and then, I need a good cry over them.

So, just take your time. Don't feel you need to be strong. If you need to cry and your in an inappropriate place, quietly excuse yourself to the restroom and allow yourself your cry. IT IS OK, and totally natural and totally understandable. Grieving, especially fresh grief, bites the big one. It is an extremely powerful and raw feeling, but it is natural. If you need to talk or need to comfort, turn to people who get it (sometimes non-horsey friends and family don't), but DO allow yourself your grief and don't feel that you're "not over it yet". You'll never truly be, but at some point you'll realize that the horrible raw feeling isn't so horrible and raw, and it is an ache you can deal with.

I am truly sorry for your loss. Losing loved ones, equine, canine, and human alike, is tough. No matter how much we know that life is finite, when it finally comes to its end, it really always seems far too soon.

[AiryFairy]

Thanks everyone. I'm not sure if any of you have dealt with this, but so many friends, in trying to "say the right thing," have said things like:

"You should be happy, because she lived such a long life."
"You shouldn't be upset, because her death was peaceful."
"She is happy and at peace now, so you shouldn't be upset."
"You have another horse - you should just be happy that you have her."

I AM thankful and happy that Chutney is at peace, but darn it, I miss my lifelong friend!! I know that folks mean well, but hearing these things over and over just makes me feel worse! It makes me feel guilty that I AM upset over losing her...like I shouldn't be, and I think it is part of the reason why my grief is all bottled up inside. :(

Any insight? I am going to the therapist today, so that will hopefully help.

The crying is the 'down and dirty' part of grieving - go there, own it and cry till you can't cry anymore. You have to do that. Then you can move on. It sucks, full stop. You should be upset, I don't know why people would tell you that you shouldn't be upset, except that they simply can't relate. I had people telling me 'you'll feel better if you go out to this birthday party', when all I wanted to do was to be alone and cry. I always tell people that my horses taught me great things, they were THE MOST IMPORTANT relationships of my life, because they taught me things about compassion and patience and forgiveness and HEART that you can never learn from a human where there are so many other motives involved. They were my partners, and they left a big hole when they went. You're allowed to mourn that ,and you're allowed to take as much time as you need to come to terms with it.

[chai]

I am so sorry about your loss of Chutney. I agree with the others: you can't put a timetable on healing, but time really does heal. It's different for everyone.

In the past year or so, I have lost my mother in law, my pony, my donkey, my 14 year old dog and my sister. My sister and I were like twins and when she died, I did not think I could survive because the pain just took over and sucked all the life out of me. My grief counselor promised me that time would heal my broken heart but I didn't believe it was possible for anyone to climb out of such a dark place.

But here I am, not all better, but getting there. Time, friends, family, my horses and many unexpected kindnesses along the way have worked their magic and the pain is subsiding little by little. If you are open to these things, they will help. Writing about your lost ones is also a good way to purge the sad thoughts. Slowly, those thoughts will lead to memories that make you smile, and you'll be on your way.
The pain you're feeling right now is the double edge sword we live with when we are lucky enough to love so deeply. ((Hugs)) to you at such a difficult time.

[FootPerfect]

Everyone goes through this. I put my horse down last summer and tonight I am very weepy and emotional about it. Thank goodness I have 2 great friends who have helped me thought this. ((hugs)) to you.

[Kim]

Thanks to everyone for sharing your feelings and well wishes. I know I have a long road ahead of me, and it helps to know that others understand.

We should have a "grief support group" or thread on here...

[arabhorse2]

Kim, we already are a support group. :)

We understand each other's pain, and know if you need to talk about it, we're willing to listen. :yes:

Grief is a journey that we all eventually take, and it's easier if we have someone to help us while we're travelling that long, dark, bleak road.

[Gunnar]

Gunnar would have been 25 today! Poor boy was born in Jan in Washington. How cold and wet he must have felt! :sadsmile: I gazed at some of his photos this AM and they brought a smile instead of a tear!


http://image42.webshots.com/42/8/33/40/360583340eUZdwd_fs.jpg

Who could not smile at my robust boy! :yes:



See Kim time will heal your wound! :sadsmile: I promise it will get better! :sadsmile:

[FlashGordon]

Kim have you found therapy helpful?

I've never gone to counseling, being rather introverted, I'd say I talk to my horses more than I talk to a lot of people in general. (I guess I spill my guts online and use the internet for therapy. :lol:)

But I'm thinking it might be worth a shot. I still harbor a tremendous amount of guilt regarding Dan's death... there was nothing anyone could have done to change the outcome but I still somehow feel responsible. I try not to let it weigh on me, as I know it is irrational to some degree, but it is still there.

I'm glad you started this thread, as clearly there are many of us who are still trying to work through this process. It is nice to know there are others dealing with the same things I am.

[Kim]

FlashGordon, yes, I do find it helpful, but I have a ways to go...

My problem is that I "stuff" all of the feelings so that when I want to cry (e.g., I am alone), I cannot! Maybe I should watch a few tearjerkers?

[lovemyoldguy]

FlashGordon, yes, I do find it helpful, but I have a ways to go...

My problem is that I "stuff" all of the feelings so that when I want to cry (e.g., I am alone), I cannot! Maybe I should watch a few tearjerkers?

This happens to me, too - glad I'm not the only one. I've actually turned on the radio in the car a couple of times to start a good cry - nothing like a sappy country ballad to get me crying. (In large part because Rebuff seemed most content with country on the barn radio, so now it reminds me of him.)

I do seem to cry at 'inopportune' times, which stinks...especially since most of those times are at work. My mother actually calls them "thought bombs" - those things that trigger a sudden crying jag out out of the blue. Ironically, my mother IS a therapist, and she's assured me repeatedly that this is perfectly normal and to just go with it. As many here have said, just escape to the ladies room (or your car, which I personally like) and have a good cry. Then mop up and carry on.

[Kim]

A little update. I rented a few tearjerkers from Netflix and watched one last night. It really got the tears flowing! I started thinking about how much I miss my girl Chutney and it really did feel good to cry. Now I feel like everything is more "at the surface" - I am going to watch another sad movie tonight!

Thanks to all of you, again. It means a lot.

((Hugs))

Kim

[DressageGeek "Ribbon Ho"]

Of course, cry. And cry as much as you need.

You should never feel guilty or sorry for grieving over the loss of a loved one. But nothing ever takes away that love. Your horse may be gone, but the love you had for him is always, always there.