Moms Who Ride with Daughters Who Ride [Archive]

alliekat

Dec. 28, 2008, 06:53 PM

I have had horses ever since I was in iddle school. When my daughter was 7 she went into gymnastics. After two years she was competeing nationally and we were traveling so much that I sold all but one of my horses, and we even sold the farm. 4 years later daughter tells me that Gymnastics is NOT her #1 passion, horses are!!!
She no longer finished that sentence and we went and bought her a horse. we boarde for a few years and have been leasing a farm. Now we are about to move and buy our own farm again.YEAH!!!
Anyways she rides and shows in the hunters.
I train young horses and ponies.
I show the really young ones on the line and she shows all the green ones under saddle.
Now my mom has started to ride after taking over 20 years off to persue her career.
3 generations of mother daughter riding.
I will admit that sometimes it can be over welming to be together ALL the time, did I mention I also train my daughter(a real big No-No), but then I have friends who parents and children are involved and it makes me feel very blessed.
So long story short we just make it work for us.
No if we make it thru the BOY STAGE we are doing good!!!
I think if your daughter is old enough she can contribute. It will make a much better horsewoman outta her.
Good luck and I hope you fing some balance.

BeastieSlave

Dec. 28, 2008, 07:09 PM

CHS

Dec. 28, 2008, 07:12 PM

I don't ride as much as I used to. I haven't shown in years but that's not because I can't. It's because I'm too tired to do it all. Both my mares are retired and both are in foal for April. My daughter has her TB hunter. I keep saying I'm going to ride more (have lots of friends with extra horses) but I just don't. My daughter is also 13. I may show again depending on what my two foals turn out to be.

chism

Dec. 28, 2008, 07:18 PM

Well...I guess in some small way I agree with the friend that says it goes with the territory. I have three daughters 19, 14 & 13. I'm re-rider who picked it up again when my oldest was 12. Up until this year all three rode, showed and did Pony Club. The 14 year old has just recently decided that friends & boys are all she has time for, but I digress... My riding HAS been put on hold, because of time & $$. There just isn't enough of it to go around to do lessons, events, Pony Club (and now college tuition!!) for all of them, much less for me. I have my horses at home, work at an event barn & sometimes I can get in a hack, but mostly I'm just the groom/stable hand. Honestly...on most days I don't mind. Some days I get a little wistful, but I know that in a few short years my time will be all my own again. I'll have plenty of time for ME, but I know that I'll miss doing the mom thing.
So.. to address the horse dilemma. I personally would get the best horse for your daughter, whichever one that may be. If you can't find a horse that would suit both your skill sets (and that may not be the case) you can always take lessons or lease. I would not try to have her ride a horse that would make her nervous. Some kids just aren't up for that kind of challenge & it can lead to confidence issues.

Bravestrom

Dec. 28, 2008, 07:31 PM

Both my sons event, pony club - showing jumping and Prince philip games - both are national champion ppg riders.

I show national dressage and breed and show sport horses. It is a family affair - - when the boys show I groom and when I show the boys help with whatever needs to be done.

Now that their eventing is really talking off we have quit pony club so that will take some of the pressure off.

My husband also has a horse and we go on a lot of family hacks.

I gave up horses 20 yrs ago to get married and have a family. In 2004 we got into horses and have not looked back.

We all work the farm and all look after the horses.

babygreenqueen

Dec. 28, 2008, 07:35 PM

anything is possible in life if you are willing to make choices. nothing lasts forever and life is too short to look back and say ' i should have....' i was a single working mom for many years and luckily had a horse crazy daughter who shared my passion for showing. i gave up many other things to keep the horses and it was a magical time for us!
we each had a show horse and for a while even competed in the same division, i recall other show moms at our barn making snide comments about it. maybe if i had other kids or husband and household it would have been selfish since it was ALL we did for years.
today daughter is grown up and moved on but we both still show my horses every summer when she visits!
soon you may be able to find a nice horse to share. good luck and enjoy your mom-daughter bonding.

SLW

Dec. 28, 2008, 08:13 PM

My youngest daughters riding direction took us into a whole new world of horses which I look back upon with fond memories. Since hubba doesn't "do" horse's it meant my riding interest was put on hold so I could haul her around- Youth Rodoe and Rodeo Queening- and help her with her horses. I don't regret it one moment.

We emptynested last year and I have more than made up for the 5 years where my interest was not the focus. In fact, kiddo is thinking she'll join me out on the hunt field later this week. :)

Dec. 28, 2008, 09:02 PM

My 15 year-old daughter and I both ride. However, we can only afford one horse. Our first mare ended up not working out for my daughter, and so we found a great local home for her. We shopped long and hard for the horse we now have. She is a bit small for me, but is such a great fit in so many ways for us that size was an easy compromise. I wish I had my own horse so I could ride more frequently and ride with my daughter, but I do get a lot of enjoyment watching my daughter ride. And when boys and college come in to play, I'll get my time with the horse!

Woodland

Dec. 28, 2008, 09:30 PM

We were finally able to have another child - our Daughter.

We had been told we could have no more than our one beloved Son. We built an indoor arena and went deeply into debt so that I could expand my business. Within a year our DD was born!

For her first tender year I continued the frenzied pace of a full time show horse trainer - then I hit the proverbial wall HARD! Everything I had spent my adult life on was in the balance. In the end the desire to be a better parent won out. I cleared my barn of over bearing under appreciative clientèle and settled into a more genteel life as a BO with a less demanding crowd.

I sacrificed my show ring ambitions for that of motherhood and I have never been sorry. I was "somebody" in the horse show world. Now I am a parent first and foremost.

DD shows, but as a "can chaser". How on earth I could have raised a can chaser is beyond me! :no:

I have a pretty nice horse. He is more talented than I have time for. DD's rodeo's take priority over my own show time. I do not "train" her or her horses, I have to hire someone for that as I have no expertise to share. In fact I have been considering selling him as he deserves more than the pittance of time I give him.

Would I be sad? No! Being a parent is a completely and joyfully selfless act! I do indeed live through her and my love of horses lives on in her! Within just a few years she will be away at college and out of her youth division and there will be time enough for me to make my way back to the show pen! For now i am content to be her "step and fetch it" "haul me here and pay there" Horse Show MOM!

Watermark Farm

Dec. 28, 2008, 09:37 PM

I have two girls, ages 11 and 13, both of whom are very horsey and do Pony Club. Yes, it's definitely cut into the time/money for me to pursue horses.

I don't mind so much. My girls are having fun, and we share this hobby together. I figure it's payback for all the weekends my father happily took me to horse shows, and for all the sacrifices I know my parents made so that I could ride and show.

Yes, we are parents, and yes, we are supposed to be selfless, but it's all about keeping balance --- and caring for ourselves so we don't feel depleted. When I found myself feeling angry inside that my riding was taking a backseat to being a horse show mom, I snapped out of it, and told my girls that the next show would be ME showing and them helping. Know what? They LOVED it, and another great tradition was born. In this photo, one of my favorites, you can see their happiness at helping mom:

http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g237/watermarkfarm/RidgeShow2.jpg

Santpoort

Dec. 28, 2008, 09:47 PM

So the person with whom I was talking said to me, well, when you decided to have kids, you gave up all your rights.

Now, I'm in my 50's and even though I'm not a youngster, I still have my dreams, a bit tattered, but they still exist. So I wondered how many of you are mothers who ride with kids who ride and how much of your horsey dreams have you put off in order for your child to pursue his/her horsey dreams? Or even other dreams?

NO, NO, a thousand times DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS.

I sincerely believe that it is GOOD for kids when their parents have their own 'thing'. Even if it happens to be the same 'thing'. This shows your kid(s) that you should ALWAYS persue your goals. This is a positive thing, becuase it will ENABLE them by your example. So, there may not be the money to do it a certain way. There is always a way.

I say this for this reason: I have a friend who has a child with CP. This child is 12 years old, and has all the things she needs to develop to her fullest potential. Talk about a stressful parenting situation!! My friend rides, it is her "thing". She NEEDS this in her life.
A month ago my daughter was born. She is absolutely perfect in every way. She, however, has Down Symdrome. Big shock to all us, but we are coping and will be better for it (it is not the worst thing in the world!!) Anyway, I KNOW I need to give my daughter everything I can, to help her develop. And I will. I most certainly will. But I also know I do not need to give up on my dreams where it somes to horses. I will make it work. You can too!!!
I beg you please, please, please NOT to give up on your dreams, it will be like giving up on yourself. Surround yourself with positive people, not ones like the one who gave you that crappy advise.
:yes::yes:

Oh, by the way, I have to also tell you my Mom, at 67, took her first lesson 2 months ago. She loves it. It is never too late, you are never too old :D

authentic pony

Dec. 28, 2008, 10:04 PM

My mom was a re-rider and started riding again when I started lessons (at age 8 - the only age I was allowed to start, since that is when she started as a kid). By age 9 I had a pony and within a few months she had a horse. Granted, my pony was not a fancy or expensive one and her horse cost $1. I worked my way through a medium pony, large pony, and onto a horse until about age 15 - doing the hunters on the schooling and B circuit. My mom showed the occasional dressage show (1-2 a year) and taught (and still teaches) in the school at that barn. I am not sure if she only did 1-2 shows a year because thats all she WANTED to do, or because she was putting her own riding on the backburner for me. At about age 15 she retired her mare and coboarded a few horses while I showed full fledged in the Childrens Hunters, Junior Hunters and spent a few winters at WEF (though I was a working student while down there too).

When I was in college, she took over my hunter and turned him into a dressage superstar. I rode occasionally but the last few summers have been for her to focus on her riding and showing. I go to all of her shows and help out and am her moral supporter and cheering section, like she was for me for so many years. :winkgrin: They bought me a 3 year old when I graduated last year, so this coming summer will be the first in awhile that we will show together again (though at different venues, and my horse on my dime...growing up is hard to do, lol).

Having a horsey mother has been hands down THE BEST thing that has ever happened to me. She is and always has been one of my best friends. I never went through the "I-hate-my-parents" or "I-love-boys-more-than-horses" teenage years. I am so so blessed to have a mother and friend in one that I share such a big passion and part of my life with. Even though we aren't at the same barn and ride different disciplines, we are each others' biggest fans. And because she rides dressage and has taught the lower level hunters for 15 years, it is GREAT having her as an extra set of eyes on the ground, though she has never been my official coach - which, IMO was a big reason in why we got along so well.

I am also lucky in that my dad is very supportive as well and has been the financial backer for most of it. He doesn't ride but is happy to come watch a horse show or clinic and video tape and hold the water bottle, especially if there is a round of golf in it for him after. ;)

Paddys Mom

Dec. 28, 2008, 10:24 PM

I had a plan when I bought my mare as a yearling.
I was going to show a lot again.
I slowed down a bit when my kids were born.
And then, the most wonderful thing happened - my 6 y/o daughter started wanting to ride.
I decided to sell my training project show quality but not trustworthy mare and buy something easier going, so I can still ride but can focus on my daughter.
We are leasing her the perfect pony and we haul to my trainer for weekly lessons (unless its too cold :winkgrin:).
We trailer to the parks and hack together - thus my wanting a horse partner I can trust instead of worry about.

On the outside, I am very nonchalant about my daughter's interest in riding, but inside I am WOHOOOOO! :D

ptownevt

Dec. 28, 2008, 10:32 PM

My youngest daughter and I are both horse crazy. I got her a pony about 3 years ago when I realized I had 2 horses and a pony and nothing she could ride. We now have 2 horses (one for each of us) and 2 ponies. Sharing my love for horses with her has been the very best. I don't care about showing for myself. The only shows she does for now are 4-H shows. The annual 3 day 4-H show is now our annual summer vacation. I couldn't think of a better one.

I do agree that you have to think about your children in every decision you make, but that doesn't mean that you have to give up the things that give you joy. In our case, we (mostly me) work weekends at the barn where she rides to help support our two horses. I fully expect this summer that she will clean stalls daily to help support her horse.

Pam

Foxtrot's

Dec. 28, 2008, 10:38 PM

One of my greatest pleasures as a Mom has been to raise two daughters through Pony Club, through University and into successful careers, people who are happy and well adjusted. However, that being said, they took my good horses, they showed and had ponies (we have the land) and I loved being the horsey Mom. However, my hunting was put on hold, eventing likewise, the young horse took time, etc. and now I am just a happy recreational rider. I have no real regrets, and achieved all I wanted so do not look back with regret AT ALL.

But --- time went on, I grew older, I had less energy, lost some of my fitness and reaction time, took some falls, got injured, blah, blah, blah. I have a young horse to bring on, and a foal after that, but sometimes I think it is a bit beyond my ambition or ability to stick to a program.

What the OP is needing to address, is that she still does have ambitions, and I believe if that is the case she should give them a go before time runs out. It is just that much harder to start over than keep on going. If you are a goal oriented person, it is hard not to be on a program and making progress. Nothing worse than regret --- if only I had done this or that in my life ...

So many daughters ride, cost a fortune, and then go on to chase boys. Perhaps you could find the perfect horse you could both ride. Money only goes so far. If she truly has the horse sickness badly, she and you will find a way. Nothing more fun than riding together, very bonding!

Quin

Dec. 28, 2008, 10:46 PM

INow, I'm in my 50's and even though I'm not a youngster, I still have my dreams, a bit tattered, but they still exist. So I wondered how many of you are mothers who ride with kids who ride and how much of your horsey dreams have you put off in order for your child to pursue his/her horsey dreams? Or even other dreams?

There needs to be balance in all things. They are only little children in our care for a short portion of our lives, so it is natural and right that we focus on them and put them first. But it is bad for them - and bad parenting on our part - if we raise them to believe that they are the center of the universe.

Of course, the "best" answer is for both of you to have horses and ride together. But it sounds like you have determined that for your personal situation, you can only have one horse. In that case, I agree that it would be dangerous to put her on a horse that was wrong for her. The next "best" solution would be to find the horse that is perfect for both of you. However, this is not a perfect world and if you have to choose, at this point I agree it is appropriate to have the correct horse for your daughter.

It needs to be clearly communicated to everyone in the family that you are making a conscious family choice to do this, and that if she ever loses the desire to show competitively at this level that she needs to let you know right away. You will not be at all upset with her - you do not want her to ever feel that she has to keep going to achieve your dreams: kids do pick up on this - but if that time comes, it will be your turn to show and she can ride casually, help out, or just be your cheering section.

She is 13. You are looking at a maximum of 5 years, which is not an impossible wait (60 is the new 35, right? I know I'm counting on it ;)) . As she gets older she should be able to take over more of the financial burden each year, which should allow you to increase your riding and then to start showing again.

My daughter is now 16. Her horse addiction as a younger rider is what got me back into horses in the first place. We did buy her a nice show horse several years before I got my youngster. But she has now decided that competing is not any fun for her, and that's fine with us. Riding and showing are still family activities; the focus has just changed.

And at least you still get some horsey fix; getting to be around the barn was a big help for me even before I was able to get my own horse. It would be worse if her passion was for some other sport or activity that ate up all your spare $ and time AND kept you away from the barn altogether.

PNWjumper

Dec. 28, 2008, 11:22 PM

My mom started riding lessons with me when I was 7 or 8 years old. She had always wanted to ride as well, so we did it together.

I got the first horse--a going children's hunter (though not an expensive horse by any means)--when I was 9. We sold him to pay for my project horse (who became my junior jumper/grand prix horse) when I was 11. While I was working through the levels on my horse, my mom had a whole string of <$1000 horses. Some were great schoolmasters, some were totally-inappropriate-for-a-timid-amateur horses. She would never say it in front of me, but I can say that she definitely got the short end of the stick while I was still home and riding.

The flip side of it came when I went off to college. We took my cheap project horse and sold him in the high five figures (which paid for a big part of my college) and a partial trade for a REALLY nice winning adult amateur hunter. She showed him for 5ish years before he was diagnosed with cushings and then foundered. But she was able to buy another REALLY nice horse with the insurance money from the first and showed her for another 8 or 9 years before quitting.

Anyhow, my point is that she focused on the riding time that we had together rather than aggressively pursuing her goals while I was a kid (and I ALWAYS came first....not sure I would have been okay with that if I'd realized it at the time). Then went back to her goals when I headed off to school. I wish I had been less of a shit and realized how valuable that time was. She quit riding a couple of years ago and though she still comes out to help me at shows occasionally, I hugely miss having her there showing with me.

With all of that being said, the person who said that to you was tactless and rude. Your priorities are obviously different when you have a kid, but you certainly don't have to give up everything.

TappyShoes

Dec. 28, 2008, 11:31 PM

When my daughter was 8 we leased a pony for her. When she was 10 I bought her a horse (he was 10 also). Though I bought him for her she shared him freely with me. She was focused on riding lessons and shows and I would often take him on trail rides. When she was 18 and heading to college he was all mine. Looking back it worked out so well because if I had two horses now I wouldn't have time for both.

Ashby

Dec. 28, 2008, 11:57 PM

As a very young woman, many years ago, I was a serious professional rider with my own 25-acre farm, a boarding/training operation, and a fine young stallion, when a major health problem ended it for me. Two years in doctors' offices, hospitals, and a research institute finally convinced me that I could no longer ride as a professional, and the enormous medical bills persuaded me that I couldn't afford to ride as an amateur. So I gave it all up (having some attacks of hysterical grief in the process). Moved to the city, went to college, went to grad school, got married. It was so painful to see horses and not be able to ride that I avoided them altogether.

So one of the hardest things I ever did was bringing my 11-year-old daughter to a nearby stable for lessons. As a divorced mom I found it a huge sacrifice, and I had to put in a lot of extra hours at a very disheartening job so my child could ride. I felt joy that she was loving this sport, and also a sense of poignance and loss that I couldn't afford to ride myself.

About two years ago my daughter, then 18, announced that the the trainer had decided to sell her a little OTTB mare she had been schooling. I was horrified and excited at the same time. Sure, I wanted a horse, but this was a big financial strain. And I didn't think this one was ideal.

I paid for the horse, partly because I wanted a stake in it. I've also paid for shoes, blankets, vet bills, tack, supplements, board, etc. etc. etc. The vet, farrier, and board bills are addressed to both of us and the Coggins is in both our names. My daughter works very hard and pays for many expenses herself. As my daughter is now in college, I have been the one to nurse the mare when she was injured, rehab her after the injury, drive out to the barn twice a day to swap her blankets, medicate her, feed her, groom her, and do all the million other chores a horse requires.

We have essentially been sharing the horse, because while I love my child to death and beyond, I am not going to slave and sacrifice for a horse I can't ride. Sorry, but watching your child bounce around the showring on a pony is cute at 8, and at that age one gives things up for their happiness; at 20 and 21 they can do much more on their own, and ought to be picking up more of the slack if they want a luxury item like a horse.

Occasionally she and I have words or disagree about the proper handling and training of the horse, but the disagreements are mild.

So while the trainer says to people, "Mary and her mom are the owners of Miss Priss," there's sometimes a little power struggle going on as my daughter reminds everyone loudly that this is HER horse and it loves HER. That's okay. As long as I have a chance to ride, to work out a relationship with a horse, and improve my skills, I consider myself incredibly lucky.

But next year at this time, if God is kind and I can find a job, I am bloody well going to buy myself my own horse.

goodhors

Dec. 29, 2008, 12:30 AM

I am enjoying the kids as they are now. Son rode in Pony Club, competed in all sections at Rally and had a good time. We also Trail Rode and he helped husband with Driving competitions. Daughter is much younger, kind of stepped into his spot when he went into High School Varsity sports.

Both kids used animals we already owned, aged, trustworthy, EXPERIENCED horses who let the kids grow in skills and win when they could ride well enough. No gift ribbons!

I had ridden and competed hard before my marriage, was successful in the levels I showed at. Did a wide variety of horse activities, with most weekends at something for a number of years. Lots of fun, many "moments of glory" in the winner's lineup. Finally got burned out with the running, hauling, hours of riding to stay competitive, along with my day job that paid the bills. I kept horses in barns I rented, no boarding, so daily chores in there too. Got back into more riding for fun then. Got married, bought a farm for the horses to stay on and the children came along. Husband got into carriage Driving so kids could be with us enjoying the horses, did picnics, fun drives. He then got into competitive Driving things. Horses kind of escalated then, because he liked driving Multiples. So we needed better animals and more of them.

All the horses were broke to ride and drive, so we could use any of them for what we needed. Still had my 2 older show horses that were smaller, for the kids as they grew.

I have found it interesting to haul, participate and ride with my kids at the many activities, showing, camping out, Trail riding, Rally, 4-H showing, Fairs, lessons and training, Driving, as we enjoy the horses. I want the kids to be Horsemen, not little Equitation riders. They both did and do chores daily, prepare their own animals, load the truck, as we go to things. They both are noticing of the animals as they handle them, are able to manage the various individuals we have. Tell us when someone is NQR. These are not "kid horses" but well-trained, kindly animals who take direction well, respond to skilled handling. Most home bred and raised. The kids handled them thru all the growth and training stages along with us.

I don't feel like showing much anymore, especially when viewing what it takes to win in horse showing. So no loss to me, glad I did all that before. I wouldn't own most of the present winners! I can't stand the slow gaits of bad movers, artificiality of it all, rider's body style of the moment, that it takes to win big. Daughter likes mostly Performance classes, does some speed, which suits me fine. She enjoys her friends at shows, not driven to show more or go harder to collect more ribbons. She has regular lessons, and I help her in between to stay correct. She likes her horses, gets them out for fun, not just work.

This is a phase in my life that we are enjoying. Plans for summer call for more camping, longer trail rides. Fun riding. She said she doesn't want to do swim camps this year so we have MUCH more time to ride. I am planning on having a lot of fun, will be riding my young horse who needs tuning and exposure to things. He will be daughter's next horse to use, the present one is getting older. I have a second young horse to get going when she moves up. Both are kindly boys, great personalities, and I expect this time will be much fun for both of us. Husband will probably be using the boys as well and getting their Driving education going, maybe competing, so she can help with that too. She is a GOOD groom!

Have to enjoy her while I can, she will be moving on soon enough. Then the next phase of my life will start, whatever that is. No Do-Over's with kids, enjoy the moments you have, so no regrets later.

PonyPile

Dec. 29, 2008, 12:51 AM

Well.. I did not give up my dreams really, they just changed with the coming of the child :winkgrin:
Like I always dreamed of becoming an olympic rider, but then I had a kid and boy am I relieved the pressue is off me, now it on her to become the rider I should have been :lol: I am so just joking, I was never talented enough to start that path.
I rode for fun, and still occasionaly ride for fun. I get a lot of joy out of watching my dd be with her pony, and have the time of her life in gymnastics class (which isn't cheap:no:).

I would move heaven and earth to make her happy, but at the same time I manage to make sure I don't loose sight of my needs.

NancyA

Dec. 29, 2008, 01:15 AM

The other responders have made all the right points -- you can find a balance that works for you, your kid, your family and your wallet, but there's no telling what that exact balance will be.

I have 2 kids, a daughter who rides and a son who, like my hubby, does not. I had the delight of finding that my daughter, from the tiniest age, was a horsewoman and would join me at the barn. . . as long as I could find a way to finance it to our mutual satisfaction. Full-time work for me was a necessary evil, taking up my potentially equine time, but it also provided funds to justify my equine expenses.

Thanks to Pony Club (lots of fun, with lessons and camp and rallies at which I could teach and organize), we could do lots of things together. We took turns (ride vs groom/groom vs ride) on the eventing calendar, and did little local shows together. At one point, Laura evented my Gracie mare at Beginner Novice and Novice the same year I ran her Preliminary. That horse, gone now, earned herself a brick on the USPC Memory Walk, she's "Gracie, Queen of the World" if you're ever wandering on the patio in the Ky Horse Park.

I have always had project horses, and Laura's horses were "projects+time=OK," free leases, or in the case of her last mare, an 18-yr-old Young Riders horse spun from the program for a mild bow. That last horse took her eventing, showing, hunting, and to USPC Festival in show jumping (and even though the mare's now been leased to ANOTHER Pony Clubber since Laura's college focus intensified, that horse is still going strong for a C1 rider at age 24+, bless her golden heart and amazing physique). Also, I keep our critters at a leased facility ($100/month per horse) where we co-op the work and supply our own hay and grain -- hard work, but it helps make things possible.

My current project horse, which Laura took to PC camp one summer just for grins (he's a PTSD track wacko), is on long layup for a stifle and back issue, so through our Pony Club network I'm hunting a friend's green horse, and while Laura's home for winter break, SHE'S hunting her. I got to start hunting regularly, after a long hiatus (chose PC and occasional eventing to eat all our spare change) and when the crazed horse went lame and the daughter was off at college, voila, it was time to hunt again. I'm having the time of my life, and when Laura's home and takes the green mare out, I rely on the marvelously supportive hunt and PC network for a spare critter to use for the day. The key words, of course, are "marvelously supportive" and "network," without both of which I'd be home horseless, feeling cranky and vilely harassing my hubby for no reason.

So the general thoughts are "keep your options open," and "use your network," which for us was and continues to be Pony Club and our hunt. We have horse friends and therefore horses available across the country, and our activities have varied with opportunity -- and what a wonderful time we have had!

Best of luck,

Nancy

goeslikestink

Dec. 29, 2008, 03:21 AM

i am 52 with a daughter of 25 and son 22 and grandson 3yrs they all ride
son as and when its his choice

dreams - its about dosh and wether you can afford xyz and also about time
horses cost time and money 365days of the year and minium of twice a day visits

and its about comitment or how dedicated we are on what we do own or have

when matey says you give up all rights, dont be offended

look women have mental clocks within themselves. for exsample before you had kids
and i bet you will all relate to it---- we used to all sleep and sleep well
once the kids are born- we now sleep with one ear open
this is what your mate meant

we have internal duty to have kids and o keep them safe at all times and for those you that think thats its for such a short period in your life yout worng as your kids are with you life long they may leave home but they will know who to go to when they need to

that one ear open never goes back to being two ears shut

your dreams - isnt so much as a dream by as a hobby as your space everyones entitled to ther having there own space whereby they do things as a hobby regardless what that is
some parents like yourself support your childs hobby becuase intruth its your own hobby
and your child is doing what you like to do, some they continue the hobby some dont
as they make there way in life and make there own choices
when they start doing that they are on the way to becoming there own indiviual person
till then we can only giude them from right or wrong and make chioces for them
as think about it theya re with you- so part of your dream you already have by leasing a pony for your daughter if one day you want your own or are thinkingyou wish to have your own but cant

you can- you already know how to budget your finances in having a horse or pony
so get one you can both ride when she at school you ride it when shes home she rides it- id you want to compete then share it enter shows that have a varity of classes that you can do and she can do

your dream is a lot closer than you think- the pony or horse you go for must suit both
just becuase you think your a better rider than your daughter doesnt amke it so
so go for a school master or a horse or pony 14.2h depending on your weigth and height and daughter weight and height dont go geting a big horse is shes a stick and half pint
get something thats size is between your weights and height so she can grow into him/her without being over horsed by mind nor body

there tons for lease there tons a rescues like canter that need homes
there are horses out there that you dont have to pay much money for but always get a ppe done regardless so your not paying out for a duff neddy thats going to cost you heaps in medical care

you have a brain -------- you know what you can afford want your dream then go get it

you already half way there -- then if your daughter decides later in life it her thing or not
you then also know if she ready to take responsilbity like i said
choices we all have them but its how wisely you use your choice and the consequences that follow be bad or good

i am a great beleiver in opportunites and when opportunity knocks i take it with both hands
good or bad results i dont care as i am not an if only person as in if only i ad done this or that etc

matey --- your choice of what you do-- and your choice was to least apony for your daughter
and now you sayng if only i could afford another horse etc

theres that words if only----- if only always on the never never a nagative
so change it make it a positive
everyone has goals and aims and dreams in your case it would take very little to make that dream come true and then you can expand on your horse knowledge and so can your daughter if she choses to go down the same route as yourself----- from there it will amke her a responsible adult
and perhaps a decent job, as if you can do simple tasks the you can do bigger ones
and from there the woorld of the horse industry is your oyster as you never ever stop learning as there is so many spins off in the equine industry who knows your duaghter might do equine studies become a vet or she might be a baker banker or work in a shop who knows

but life dreams starts right here -- your opportnity to change it somewhat upto you now

jsut to add something at 13 i was working full time at 13 i brought and had my own pony
at 13 i knew wha i wanted but i loaned one at 13 in the start of my working life to see if i could afford ahorse which i could i then proceeded to make my dream come true
my point is i chose the same path your going down at 13 and your 52 altho i didnthave a child and lease a pony i did lease one to see if i could afford to keep one

your dream can be achieved i did that at 13yrs old and i will say i ahve achieved many things in my life as like isaid i am not an if only person iwill tak the bull by the horns and try it

equineartworks

Dec. 29, 2008, 07:15 AM

We can't afford for me to ride and for my DD to ride, but I am perfectly happy to watch her grow into a fine horsewoman these next couple of years. It's like a right of passage in a way...and I enjoying giving that to her and supporting her while she learns.

I diddle around with a ride here and there, and I have Dumplin' the air fern now who makes me more than blissfully happy. There will be plenty of time for me to play around on her horse when she gets one of her own here at the farm. :)

copper1

Dec. 29, 2008, 07:17 AM

I have had the best of both worlds! I am a trainer and have been the better part of my life, including when my children were born in my late 30's. Daughter was first and I put her on a pony when she was 6 weeks old and she has hardly been off them since! Two year younger brother had the same opportunities but he chose to pursue dinosaurs with the occassional trail ride and a love of all animals. As my daughter grew, I slowly showed my own horse less and less as she started showing more and more. She needed the show clothes and entry fees and I was content to go into trainer mode with her and she blended with my clients. Now that she is an adult with a good paying job, she can afford to keep and show her horse herself and I have started showing more myself.
I was lucky that I was able to go to shows in both capacities and keep my fingers in the pie. The biggest benefit was how much the horses have contributed to my daughter's growth. She is a lovely, intellegent, kind, funny, ambitious, compassionate adult that is a delight to know and be around and her horses have really been what made her what she is. (Yes, I am bragging a bit here!) We got thru the boy stage as she prefered boys with pointy ears and 4 legs, thank goodness, so she was able to stay focused on her riding and saved the dating until college. I did most of her training with occassional forays to other pros and we did have the mother/daughter angst that often accompanies this but we got thru it.
The sacrifices were well worth it and if you need or want to put your dreams on hold for a few years-and they will FLY by-it is ok but there are ways to do both and what great bonding time you are being offered! Good luck!

exvet

Dec. 29, 2008, 08:17 AM

I have been very lucky. I ride. My kids ride. I came to the marriage with 2 horses and the understanding that they were more than a hobby but part of my life (if my husband didn't want half my salary going to "therapy"). I have two kids, have always worked a full-time job and had horses, mine and theirs. My kids are 12 and 15 now. They still ride, each have their own which I purchased as just started/backed and trained for them. My daughter will be getting my FEI horse this year to move up the levels with. I've had him since he was two. He is now 10. I don't have the money to purchase already made mounts but I do make enough to pay for the upkeep on our herd. My daughter shows as do I. Fortunately she is satisfied with what she/we have. There is no question that I've juggled, adjusted my plans and made decisions based on what can accomodate all of our equine endeavors which means I have less money to spend on clinics and shows for myself; however, I am still reaching for my goals & have not had to abandoned my dreams for those of my daughter's. She will be getting my horse because I've taken him as far as he can go and have three young ones that I'm training. I feel very blessed to have two kids who share in my love of horses. We spend a lot of time trail riding. My kids are also a huge help at the horse shows. Much of our family time revolves around the horses and the kids don't complain. They ask to go and do it. They have grown up with the daily responsibility of helping feed, clean stalls, and manage a small farm/ranch. Personally I wouldn't want it any other way. I see my job/career forcing me to put my hobby on hold (at times) much more so than my children desire being to blame. I truly feel that I'm living my dream - kids, horses, shows, etc.

FillySire

Dec. 29, 2008, 09:47 AM

Wow! A lot of sacrificing going on out there for your kids. As a father of young daughters who are becoming horsey, I guess I can kiss my boat goodbye.:sadsmile:

equineartworks

Dec. 29, 2008, 09:50 AM

Fillysire, the first time you see "it" that moment when those girls are totally and completely 'owned" by horses...it will all be worth it. :)

flea

Dec. 29, 2008, 10:05 AM

As far as equine activities go...when my daughter was born I was raising and showing donkeys and mules. It is a very family oriented thing and not too expensive so I continued and she got a donkey. At one point we had grandma, mom, and daughter all showing. Luckily I have a helpful husband. Fast forward a few years and about middle of elementary school she takes lessons with an eventing barn since Mom instructing was not working as well anymore. We got hooked. Even evented the mule for a while. She was in high school before we got the horse and the money to be able to attend recognized events. She pony clubbed through her B which was a fantastic experience. I jumped a little and helped her but finances and time dictated that we were lucky for one of us to event. When she went to college I got an empty nest beagle and began riding again. It wasn't til she was out of college and working that I could lesson and compete and I am working a second job to help finance that. But it is so much fun. I don't regret concentrating on her those years and now we are having a great time. We meet at events and thoroughly enjoy ourselves! At 57 I am only doing Novice but love it. Lifes lessons and difficulties make one appreciate every minute and keep things in perspective. I feel great and plan to do this as long as I can...I have friends in the 60s eventing so I plan on it too. So...in my opinion, concentrate on your daughter but keep riding some at least recreationally so when your time comes around again you are ready. Raising a child is the most wonderful thing in the world but it is nice when you can do your own thing again and even better when you can share it with that child. We both qualified for AEC this year and it was to be a trip of a lifetime, but parental illness and horse accidents caused us to have to cancel 3 days before leaving, maybe next year. We thought a mother and daughter AEC trip was doing to be quite an experience! Exercise, eat right, keep a healthy life style and be ready...your time is coming again!

Bearhunter

Dec. 29, 2008, 10:08 AM

KnKShowmom

Dec. 29, 2008, 10:24 AM

I rode from age 8 until my mid 30's when the horse I was riding was injured/retired and I decided it was time for me to retire also. DD was only a couple of years old then, but she got the 'bug'. I gave her riding lessons on a borrowed pony, but also encouraged her to dance and swim too. Even though she was a good dancer and a great swimmer, she kept coming back to riding so when she was 11 we leased, and eventually bought, a horse so she could ride with a professional trainer. Over the last 2 years I have ridden the horse now and then when DD away at camp or on vacation with my mother, but nothing serious. Now she has outgrown/ridden the horse, but he will stay ours, come home to our farm and become my 'old lady' horse and she will ride some of the other horses in the barn for a while.

We have recently had to opportunity to finally ride together and it was a good time for both of us. At an age when most teenage girls are moving away from spending time with their mothers, we spend time talking on the way to the barn, riding together, I haul & groom when she shows and we stay connected. I will never show again, but I will support her advancement as far as she wants to take it, enjoy our rides together and not regret a bit of it.

threedogpack

Dec. 29, 2008, 10:27 AM

I had horses for years, even with kids. Got out of them after a serious accident. Was NEVER going to have another one...then came along the perfect mare for my horse crazy daughter....and that did it. After spending one winter freezing in the barn and the daughter deciding she was going to move in with me, I had to start looking for my own horse.

We do so much at the barn together, we laugh and joke, she is a ginormous help, she's horse savvy, fearless. She's smart and I am so so so grateful for her.

She went to college in 2007. I figured that she would not come home as we live in a small town and once the kids leave they often don't come back except to visit. So I planned on selling my mare and getting on with my life....paying off the house, traveling, whatever. Nope. DD informed me last year she is coming home for at least a year and we ended up with not 2 but 3 horses.

Doing the horses together has kept us close and although at 52 I am ready to not be so cold all the time, ready for the heavy lifting and hard work to ease up...I would not trade all those hours at the barn with my daughter for anything you could name.

Trakehner

Dec. 29, 2008, 10:34 AM

How does a mother change a light bulb?
"Oh, never mind me, you go ahead, I'll just sit here in the dark."
What a warped I'm-a-victim attitude.

I had an acquaintance once tell me, "It's important for my daughter that her mother is happy!" What an even more warped it's-all-about-me attitude that was.

Horses are good for kids, they teach a lot of important lessons in life.
Showing horses isn't important or high priority.

There is no reason for the family to sacrifice so their kid can show horses at any level. If the kid only enjoys horses if they can show, shop for expensive riding togs and attend big name trainer clinics etc....they really aren't interested in horses, only the social cache that comes with hanging around with other rather spoiled darlings.

There is no reason for a parent (usually mom) to sacrifice riding so their kid can ride beyond "fun" and trail rides. This is akin to the kid only wanting a BMW and not being interested in driving if it's only a Honda in the garage....and the parents driving crap to pay for the Beemer'.

Of course, I think it's idiotic for parents to blow their retirement for their kid's skating lessons and far away shows....stupid!

Don't live through your child, let them share your life.

webmistress32

Dec. 29, 2008, 10:42 AM

I have two daughters that ride and are in Pony Club. they compete as well. they clinic and lesson. the expenses are crazy. that and with each of them have their own horses and gear (helmets, boots, show clothes, saddles, etc ...)

I was lucky to find one really nice Pony Club horse cheap from a rescue. the other was too much $$ but I got a multi-year payment plan. for myself I purchased a high end project horse, older warm-blood small and no training so I got a huge discount on his purchase.

we all manage to at least run at our goals each show season. occassionally I will forgo a show I wanted to attend so that my kids can compete instead but that's a choice - it's impossible to support two eventing kids at one show and show yourself.

in summary I have not given up my riding goals but instead continue to pursue them, albeit at a lower level and not as quickly as I'd like.

KnKShowmom

Dec. 29, 2008, 10:51 AM

Horses are good for kids, they teach a lot of important lessons in life.
Showing horses isn't important or high priority.

There is no reason for the family to sacrifice so their kid can show horses at any level. If the kid only enjoys horses if they can show, shop for expensive riding togs and attend big name trainer clinics etc....they really aren't interested in horses, only the social cache that comes with hanging around with other rather spoiled darlings.

There is no reason for a parent (usually mom) to sacrifice riding so their kid can ride beyond "fun" and trail rides. This is akin to the kid only wanting a BMW and not being interested in driving if it's only a Honda in the garage....and the parents driving crap to pay for the Beemer'.

Of course, I think it's idiotic for parents to blow their retirement for their kid's skating lessons and far away shows....stupid!

Don't live through your child, let them share your life.

I don't agree with this on quite a few levels -

First, yes horses teach our children a lot, but so does showing. I have seen my child set goals, get organized, focus and achieve through her showing. She works hard to maintain her grades, because her showing depends on it. She doesn't wait til the last moment to do reports and projects because she know she will probably be at a show. She also see her riding as something she might want to follow as a career choice at some level and I support that.

We have just built a new barn and ring for her to bring her horse home. We did most of the work ourselves, have sacrificed a lot to get it done and do not regret any of it. I will probably not retire when I am 59 1/2 but I will have enjoyed watching and helping my daughter try her best to achieve her goals. When she is finished college she can come home to run our farm or go elsewhere and do whatever she wants, but I will know that I gave her that opportunity - its my retirement fund and I will do what I want with it!

Miss T

Dec. 29, 2008, 11:02 AM

flea

Dec. 29, 2008, 12:37 PM

You know, I wish I had the ability to explain why I have enjoyed raising my daughter so much. It sure wasn't all peaches and cream. I teach school and like children fine, as I like people of many ages, but wasn't ever one to dream and long for a flock of kids. And really have trouble accepting spoiled selfish kids. My husband is good with kids and we decided we wanted a family. Wanted two but only got one. Not being especially domestic or naturally "mothering" I was surprised what a neat experience it has been, stressful yes, but leading me down very unexpected paths and enriching my life in unexpected ways. (Also learning self control...she did live to grow up in spite of making me very angry at times:)) So...no...not everyone needs to have kids, luckily we can make the choice. But...not being a person that spent her life dreaming of children...I understand your position (although your question seemed worded a little rudely) I have to say until you experience it it is hard to understand. I am glad you are happy with your life style just realize parenting is not all good or bad but makes for an interesting life. And...I forgot, you fall rediculously in love with your offspring after they are born.

Miss T

Dec. 29, 2008, 12:45 PM

I am truly sorry if I sounded rude. I did not mean to sound that way and, in fact, do not see it. However, thank you for actually responding to a question I have asked SO many people. I have never had anyone give an answer before (lol). They usually just roll their eyes, so I have always been mistified (sp?) by this choice. But you have explained your feelings in a way that I can understand (well, sort of, it certainly does not change my mind). So thank you.
I guess it's just really hard for me to read threads like this and not think - well you don't have to be in this situation if you don't want to.

craz4crtrs

Dec. 29, 2008, 01:05 PM

I have two daughters who ride. A few years ago my riding sort of took a backseat and being horse show mom took priority. That happened about the same time they stopped sharing the pony and each needed a spot in the 2-horse trailer to get to shows. There wasn't room for my beastie anymore :lol: Seriously, it was just too hard and expensive for me to try to be serious about riding too.

I've been a few years without a riding horse I call my own. I do, however have a very nice youngster that should be under saddle as my #2 kid finishes high school. I'm just biding my time until IT'S ALL ABOUT ME again.....

Yup, just wait for empty nester time. I have two daughters and when we got back into horses we did pony club, 4-h, also sheep 4-h then FFA. The first horse we bought after long hiatus was supposed to be for me and to share. My oldest daughter "stole" him from me. :lol: Eventually I got a horse just for me, but even that one had to do double duty in pony club. That horse really wasn't what I wanted to ride, but it jumped for the kids.

Over time, I got my arab gelding, he's almost 25 now. We still have the youngest daughter's horse, he's 28ish. My main horse is all MINE. A fjordX that I do everything on from dressage to working cattle.

My girls are now 22 and 25. Both graduated from college and the oldest is married. :D

It will come...

Laurierace

Dec. 29, 2008, 01:15 PM

I have never been a pony fan. They are cute and all that but they come it two types in my experience.
1. evil rotten little bastards
2. insanely expensive because they aren't evil rotten little bastards

My daughter and I share a 16.1 hand TB. When she started showing him her legs didn't even come below the saddle pad. She took him to pony club camp and he was the star of the show, towering above all the ponies in the drill team routine. Both of us have competed in and won our first events and she won the pony club dressage regional rally on him twice.
Sharing was the perfect solution for us, I see no reason why either should have to give up their passion for the other.

craz4crtrs

Dec. 29, 2008, 01:56 PM

One other thing...it was never a competition between me and the girls with the horses. I loved every moment of being a horse mom, 4-h leader and even birthing the lambs. That time with our kids was priceless, for them, and for us.

Neither girl is gung ho over horses, but they are patient with me. Both are very good riders and enjoy the horses we have, but it isn't their passion. That is ok.

I love the horses and my hubby is patient. He hunts and fishes, we do all kinds of things together, but he understands the horse thing.

FancyFree

Dec. 29, 2008, 02:14 PM

My story is a bit different. My mother grew up riding. She always had horses as a child but quit riding when she got married. When I was about six, she decided to pick it up again. She bought several fancy show horses and I remember how amazing I thought these horses were as a child. I would accompany her to the barn every weekend. I was completely horse crazy but aside from a few sporadic lessons, my mother refused to indulge my passion. The horses were only for her. Now as an adult (with children of my own; twin boys who have no interest in horses whatsoever), my horse habit is very important to me. Perhaps I am making up for lost time.

That's sad. Did it make you resent your mother? I can't imagine not wanting to share something I love to do with my child. My daughter vacillates between being interested in horses, then tennis, then dog training (she wants to do those agility tests with her dog) back to horses. She recently started taking lessons again, so we'll see if we're going to be back looking for a horse for her. She's really in love with this Haflinger at our barn.

I guess it's a balance you have to find.

flea

Dec. 29, 2008, 02:22 PM

Miss T...yes, I guess your post really didn't have a rude side after I read it again...sorry. Must have been reading something into it that wasn't there. Oh, and one good thing abour raising a horsewoman, she can ride the bad ones for you as you get older!:) My mare has some kind of hormonal problem and is wonderful most of the year but in Dec/Jan/Feb she wants to buck me off and hurt me. She is ready for the spring eventing season by March but the winter schoolings are not fun. So it is nice to send her to my daughter in January and save my aging bones! As an eventing mom I will admit it was odd to put a crash helmet on your child, put a protective vest on her, attach her blood type to her arm then say have fun as she took off on cross country! I question my parenting skills but we sure had fun!:)

KnKShowmom

Dec. 29, 2008, 02:27 PM

I have never been a pony fan. They are cute and all that but they come it two types in my experience.
1. evil rotten little bastards
2. insanely expensive because they aren't evil rotten little bastards

:lol::lol::lol: I couldn't have said it better - we did ponies for about 2.5 seconds - long enough for one to swipe DD out of the saddle by running under a tree (obviously that one was under category #1)!!

When she was 11 I got her a 16.3 horse and everyone laughed at me for getting such a big guy for a kid when all of her friends had ponies, but there has never been a horse I could have trusted more to take care of my DD.

chism

Dec. 29, 2008, 02:30 PM

Why, oh why, you choose to have children? Whether you are into horses or not, but especially so then. I never hear people talk about their kids other than to complain about them! I just do not get why anyone would needlessly complicate their life in that way. And, by the way, I am in my 50's, in case you think that I will "grow out" of this way of thinking.

Add me to the list of people that thought this was rude. If you re-read the posts prior to yours there was NOT a lot of complaining about having kids, just discussing how to make kids & riding work.

I CHOSE to have a child because I wanted to love, nurture & raise another individual to be a productive member of society. It was all I expected it to be (and more!) so I chose to have two more! It's hard work, the hours are long, the pay is non-existent, but the rewards are incomparable. It's certainly not for everyone & those that think it's not for them are probably right. Through parenting, I have become more compassionate, flexible and patient. I have grown quite familiar with the difference between wants & needs. I've become a better person since becoming a parent, but that doesn't mean that it's not a sacrifice at times.

flea

Dec. 29, 2008, 02:34 PM

I thought of something, you know how people will say horses are so much trouble and expensive, why do you want them. Or they will say you always have to worry about the dogs and make arrangments for them if you want to leave town, they are too restricting. But as animal people we know the pleasure we get from them and the relationship with them is worth the downside. Kids are kind of like that but magnified, the pleasure you get out of them outweighs the multitude of trouble they do bring! Of course, you can't board them in a kennel or stable and leave unfortunately! I am waiting to see about grandparenting. I am not aching for a grandchild like other people. But everyone says it is great and an experience unlike any other, so I will see and report back someday!

Trevelyan96

Dec. 29, 2008, 02:35 PM

I was so where you are now... buying 'prospects' for me so that I could afford better horses for DD, and it totally wrecked my riding. In hindsight, I would have been better off getting a more suitable horse for myself as she really never was passionate about it. So now, I have a horse that's perfect for DD and too big for me, but I have to ride him because she's away at college, and a green prospect, who is my 'dream horse' that I have a trainer working with. But my riding has suffered badly in the last 10 years.

I don't resent it... these are the decisions I made, and DD is a great kid. Just be sure that before you sacrifice your own dreams, that your child is passionate about their riding. Then, I think, its worth it.

FillySire

Dec. 29, 2008, 03:05 PM

Add me to the list of people that thought this was rude. If you re-read the posts prior to yours there was NOT a lot of complaining about having kids, just discussing how to make kids & riding work.

I CHOSE to have a child because I wanted to love, nurture & raise another individual to be a productive member of society. It was all I expected it to be (and more!) so I chose to have two more! It's hard work, the hours are long, the pay is non-existent, but the rewards are incomparable. It's certainly not for everyone & those that think it's not for them are probably right. Through parenting, I have become more compassionate, flexible and patient. I have grown quite familiar with the difference between wants & needs. I've become a better person since becoming a parent, but that doesn't mean that it's not a sacrifice at times.

And to think the only reason I wanted my daughters to get into horses was to keep them out of trouble while growing up. I failed to consider how their experiences with horses will lead them to be better mothers as well.:)

chism

Dec. 29, 2008, 03:49 PM

And to think the only reason I wanted my daughters to get into horses was to keep them out of trouble while growing up. I failed to consider how their experiences with horses will lead them to be better mothers as well.:)

It's funny, substitute horses for parenting & it's pretty much the same gig, except for all the back talk (kids, not horses). ;) Anything that inspires you to put another's needs before your own is character building.
I have three girls so I get what you mean. My oldest (now 19)is now in college and never once did I worry about who she was with or what she was doing. She was far too busy with her horse, pony club, events and ice hockey in the winter to have the spare time to get into trouble. Unstructured down-time is the devils work as far as teenagers go. lol My 14 year old on the other hand has been riding since she was 6, but now has a quite active social life and it appears her horse time is over. She's decided quite suddenly that horses are dirty & smelly and she wants to look clean and pretty all the time. I fear I may need to worry more about her. So....Dad, keep those girls in horses as long as you can!

gieriscm

Dec. 29, 2008, 03:50 PM

My story is a bit different. My mother grew up riding. She always had horses as a child but quit riding when she got married. When I was about six, she decided to pick it up again. She bought several fancy show horses and I remember how amazing I thought these horses were as a child. I would accompany her to the barn every weekend. I was completely horse crazy but aside from a few sporadic lessons, my mother refused to indulge my passion. The horses were only for her. Now as an adult (with children of my own; twin boys who have no interest in horses whatsoever), my horse habit is very important to me. Perhaps I am making up for lost time.

Wow. I'm hoping that my DD, who is only 3, will share my passion for horses. So far she loves coming to the barn with me and helping me groom them. I'm praying for an excuse to get a pony in a few years...

equusvilla

Dec. 29, 2008, 03:51 PM

First of all - let me say that I am 46 and just now starting to ride sidesaddle. Do not give up on your dreams - EVER!!!

Second - I think who has the horse greatly depends on who is more serious...and you have to really look into this before you decide. We could only have 1 show horse and that horse was mine. My daughter rode academy horses. At the point when I wanted to get her her own horse - the price was too far above our budget. Instead, I gave her my show horse for that last year. Another thing to remember is that while you would use the horse for who knows how many years - your daughter is likely to only use hers until she leaves for college.

Do not under estimate her abilities either. Maybe at age 13 the horse you are looking at is too much for her, but in a short 2-3 years, she could become a better rider than you...as did my daughter!

Someone sent me the most wonderful e-mail today. It started with these lines:
To have a horse in your life is a gift. In the matter
of a few short years, a horse can teach a young girl
courage, if she chooses to grab mane and hang on
for dear life. Even the smallest of ponies is
mightier than the tallest of girls. To conquer the
fear of falling off, having one's toes crushed, or
being publicly humiliated at a horse show is
an admirable feat for any child. For that, we can be
grateful.

Horses teach us responsibility. Unlike a bicycle or a
computer, a horse needs regular care and most of it
requires that you get dirty and smelly and up off the
couch. Choosing to leave your cozy kitchen to break
the crust of ice off the water buckets is to choose
responsibility. When our horses dip their noses and
drink heartily; we know we've made the right choice.
Learning to care for a horse is both an art and a
science. Some are easy keepers, requiring little more
than regular turn-out, a flake of hay, and a trough of
clean water. Others will test you - you'll struggle to
keep them from being too fat or too thin. You'll have
their feet shod regularly only to find shoes gone
missing. Some are so accident-prone you'll
swear they're intentionally finding new ways to
injure themselves. .......

Giddy-up

Dec. 29, 2008, 05:31 PM

My mom quit riding as I got more involved.

She is the best groom, cheerleader, grounds person, horse manager, you name it that anybody could ask for. :yes:

I feel guilty though. She's ridden some, but nothing like she used to. I offer to tune up the horses for her to show--she says she doesn't want to. She will get on & we go riding togther, but not as often as I'd like. She's a braider so she's working practically every week May - October. She says she loves watching & being a part of it, but I still feel very guilty. If I hadn't come along, who knows what she could ahve done?

threedogpack

Dec. 29, 2008, 06:09 PM

ahhhh no. I could be your mother and the other side of that coin is "who knew I'd love braiding and grooming so much? It's much easier for me to do that than to ride. I would never know the enormous pride of watching my daughter sit her mare if she had not come along".

Hug your mom and tell her how much you love her.....it's worth more than gold to her.

threedogpack

Dec. 29, 2008, 06:15 PM

Miss T wrote: I never hear people talk about their kids other than to complain about them!

I seldom have anything to complain about with my three. Only one is into the horses but each brings their own joy into my life. In fact, just this last week, as I listened to the three of them hold an adult conversation with intelligent (if not similar) viewpoints I was thinking how proud of them I am. They have all grown up to be kind, supportive, articulate young people.

I had kids because I wanted them, and I am ever so glad I did.

Bearhunter

Dec. 29, 2008, 06:43 PM

That's sad. Did it make you resent your mother? I can't imagine not wanting to share something I love to do with my child. My daughter vacillates between being interested in horses, then tennis, then dog training (she wants to do those agility tests with her dog) back to horses. She recently started taking lessons again, so we'll see if we're going to be back looking for a horse for her. She's really in love with this Haflinger at our barn.

I guess it's a balance you have to find.

I forgot to mention, which I guess is important, that my mother and I did finally share the horses and ride/show together but not until I was almost 30. I don't know if I am resentful about the fact that she kept the horses for herself but it now makes me very protective of my horse time. It would be great if my kids wanted to ride but they have no interest. Yet, I am always awestruck when I hear of moms who give up their dreams of horses so their kids can ride.

Woodland

Dec. 29, 2008, 09:10 PM

Ahh "Empty nester" time :yes: Yes, I'll be back and in the 50+ divisions then! :cool:

Ashby

Dec. 29, 2008, 10:50 PM

Wow! A lot of sacrificing going on out there for your kids. As a father of young daughters who are becoming horsey, I guess I can kiss my boat goodbye.:sadsmile:

Yes, you can probably kiss the boat goodbye for awhile. But as I always say, horses are expensive but they're cheaper than drug rehab. No horse will ever try to get your daughter into the back seat of a car. No horse will give her a joint or a vodka shooter. No horse will give her an STD, or lie to her, or cheat on her, or beat her up. If your daughters perform the labor of having horses and have to come up with some of the money to support their horses, they won't have time or energy to get drunk, take drugs, screw around, or succumb to any of the other myriad temptations our culture offers them. They will learn how to sacrifice, defer gratification, work toward a goal, and just generally to be great mothers. Isn't that worth more than any boat?

Santpoort

Dec. 29, 2008, 11:23 PM

Trakehner

Dec. 30, 2008, 07:28 AM

Yes, you can probably kiss the boat goodbye for awhile. But as I always say, horses are expensive but they're cheaper than drug rehab. No horse will ever try to get your daughter into the back seat of a car. No horse will give her a joint or a vodka shooter. No horse will give her an STD, or lie to her, or cheat on her, or beat her up. If your daughters perform the labor of having horses and have to come up with some of the money to support their horses, they won't have time or energy to get drunk, take drugs, screw around, or succumb to any of the other myriad temptations our culture offers them....just generally to be great mothers. Isn't that worth more than any boat?

My parents had a huge sailboat (The Rose of Sharon, 2 masted schooner-Dutch built in the 1930's)...I was at the barn & shows, and the rest of the family was sailing the Great Lakes. The boat brought them together (I don't swim, hate the water)...from getting the boat ready to family sailing races, the boat was a fun thing for the entire family to enjoy, not just the child. Boats can be a great way to keep kids healthy and around good values.

Barns aren't a nirvana of safety and purity. I grew up riding and the girls at the barn were a broad range...from "nice" girls to total skanks. Lots of smoking and drinking, especially when off at shows. There were predatory people, both guys and lesbians hitting on the girls. Teenagers will always find the time & energy to "screw around" and get drunk/smoke and do drugs.

As far as horsewomen being good mothers...am I missing something here? I don't see that many horsewomen being moms at all. I'd wager motherhood is more under-represented at barns than the general population. Where I board, there is not one female who stall boards who has a kid (most of the guys at the barn have kids)...there are a few of the females who field board that have kids though. One of the ex-boarders came by for a new-baby shower...none of the women attending would even acknowledge the new baby. I'm not a baby type of person, but I held the little critter to give the mom a break.

Horses--Motherhood = null set.

crazy gray horse

Dec. 30, 2008, 08:50 AM

When I was a youth/teen - I had big goals whether it was riding or career. The death of my father when I was 17 changed everything and when I got married in my early 20s I got out of horses.

Fast forward to my late 30s when I had 2 children. As my oldest grew it became obvious she was a horse lover. When she was 8 (after a couple years of lessons) we bought her a wonderful pony for our home farm. She rode him everywhere - showed him, pony clubbed him. But....that pony stirred the desire in me to have a horse again. So a few months after the pony, I bought a lovely TB off the track. I did all the initial work with him myself - but I knew that being a re-rider I needed help. So I sought lessons with my daughter's trainer.

Daughter and I did schooling shows together, a few clinics. It was great fun. I never thought that the dreams and desires that I'd had as a youth would resurface, albiet a bit modified, but dreams just the same.

I turn 50 this year - my daughter is 12. Things definitely focus more on my daughter. I want her to have a chance to fulfill her dreams - she's gifted and talented. But I'm thankful I'm able to ride and have a horse. The occasional lessons, clinics and shows will be enough for now. I'll hold on to any bigger dreams. Afterall, 4 years ago I didn't have any of this. And I'm extremely thankful we have a passion we can share. It's very cool :)

redcashlin

Dec. 30, 2008, 09:11 AM

There are alot of great family stories and reality posted here. I would just add that becoming a parent with a riding daughter & son was a dream of mine which unexpectedly launched me into a whole other realm of dreams for myself. I always rode while they grew up, though it was mostly partially leased horses for myself and now I have two horses and foxhunt my heart out. I did not envision that back in the day but I am thrilled that is where all the pony clubbing, eventing, roping, sorting... with my kids has taken me.

Jealoushe

Dec. 30, 2008, 10:18 AM

My mom put my dreams first until I was 18, then she put hers first and I was in charge of mine :)

Ashby

Dec. 30, 2008, 11:06 AM

[QUOTE]Boats can be a great way to keep kids healthy and around good values.
True. So can skiing, tennis, and other activities. The difference is, the horse will love you back. Boats and skis don't do that. The horse claims the child's attention more because it will actually suffer and even die if s/he does not care for it. It evokes parental urges in the young child and gives practice at becoming a parent. A child never has to give up some clothes s/he wants because the boat will be cold if she doesn't buy it a blanket.

Barns aren't a nirvana of safety and purity. I grew up riding and the girls at the barn were a broad range...from "nice" girls to total skanks. Lots of smoking and drinking, especially when off at shows. There were predatory people, both guys and lesbians hitting on the girls. Teenagers will always find the time & energy to "screw around" and get drunk/smoke and do drugs.

Also true, unless you make the child pay for the horse out of her own pocket. Then she's too tired to get in trouble. One of the sweetest sounds I ever heard was the voice of my daughter, age 17, croaking into a phone that she wasn't going to accept an invitation to party, all she wanted out of life was to sleep. ;)

Much also depends on the barn you choose. Ours features no smoking or drinking, no bad influences, nobody hitting on children. Yes, some teens are determined to be trouble, but they tend to congregate together.

As far as horsewomen being good mothers...am I missing something here? I don't see that many horsewomen being moms at all.

Um, haven't you been paying attention? This whole thread has been written by mothers who are also horsewomen. All the horsewomen I know are mothers, if they are old enough. Somebody owns those adorable tots on the ponies you see at shows.

I'd wager motherhood is more under-represented at barns than the general population. Where I board, there is not one female who stall boards who has a kid (most of the guys at the barn have kids)...there are a few of the females who field board that have kids though. One of the ex-boarders came by for a new-baby shower...none of the women attending would even acknowledge the new baby. I'm not a baby type of person, but I held the little critter to give the mom a break.

You're boarding at the wrong barn, sugar. Maybe you need to be at a more family-oriented barn. Goodness, in this economy there are barns of all sorts begging for your business, so it should be possible to find one where the ladies are more relaxed.

What often happens, of course, is that horsewomen find that the economic realities of parenthood require them to give up horses. That's one reason you may see only the most well-heeled of mothers at barns.

RU2U

Dec. 30, 2008, 03:15 PM

We are finally to the point of the kids coming along with us on trail rides. My daughter is joining 4-h that door is opening and my horse life is evolving.

I look around at my horsey friends that I was friends with before children. They are still doing the same thing, they are still trying to achieve the impossible goals, every other week they get sawdust, 2-3 xs a day they are cleaning stalls, doing the same thing every day, every week, every month, every year. I could not imagine the same old same old every day.

Cool thing is with my kids,I have a new friend in each of them, I have someone to show the old trails to, I have someone to show my training tricks to and they are WOW'. Its neat to see horses through their eyes. its neat to watch my old horses become young again for the kids. Its cool to see a twenty year old horse fire up for barrels. It neat to watch my show horses become pocket pets for the kids. I wouldn't miss a thing with my kids and sharing my horses with them.

Starda01

Dec. 30, 2008, 07:26 PM

Thanks for all the responses!:)

I did grow up riding, not that my parents were ever that interested in my sister's or my riding. But I rode any horse I could find, I did have lessons, did show some, kept horses for other people and even exercised race horses. Every horse I ever "had" got sold out from under me. So at 21 or so I stopped riding, got married, and just thought I'd never go back to it because I couldn't afford to do it the way I wanted to. My sister continued on and got a horse that someone gave her and has had horses ever since. But I never stopped thinking that someday, before I die, I will own my own horse.

Fast forward, I have a son and a daughter. I hadn't really done any riding since 1975. A 30 yr layoff. Then my daughter decided she wanted to take riding lessons, and the rest is history.

I did buy a school horse I thought would have worked out for both of us. He developed chronic suspensory desmitis and had to be retired though, and I'm still paying bills on him. This is him with my dd -
http://images108.fotki.com/v605/photos/9/98793/2554794/IMG_0727_edited1-vi.jpg

http://images32.fotki.com/v1061/photos/9/98793/2554794/LeaJimiMedium-vi.jpg

My daughter is a very timid child, from birth. She is anxious and has a lot of fears. So altho she has wanted to ride, she has at times been very fearful. However, because SHE wanted to ride, we have been able to work through the fear and she's actually a rider with a lot of potential. I don't know how I spawned her, but she's really a lovely rider when she's riding well. Here's her first show with the leased pony - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nX2Ouh308Ac

Really, it thrills me to see her riding well, and I think horses have helped her gain a lot of confidence. I am all for her continuing, but if she decided to stop, it'd be ok with me too. I have at times insisted that she suck it up and get back on after a spill or disappointment, only because I did not want her to be defeated by her fear.

As for my own desires, they are mine, and whether or not my dd loses interest, pursuing my own interests are my responsibility. I will love horses because I love it, not because of anyone else. I'm not living vicariously through her.

What really prompted me to start this thread was when the other person said that when I had kids, I gave up all my rights. That really bothered me, because although I have kids, and I have responsibilities to them, I didn't cease to exist.

Bearhunter

Dec. 30, 2008, 07:47 PM

What really prompted me to start this thread was when the other person said that when I had kids, I gave up all my rights. That really bothered me, because although I have kids, and I have responsibilities to them, I didn't cease to exist.
[/QUOTE]

Kudos to you! I adore my kids and of course am there to support all of their activities and their interests. I am at every game, and every match. I am involved in school and do the homework with them. However, I am so glad that I have my horses because it makes me a BETTER mother. I see too many women who don't have their own thing whatsoever and they live vicariously through their kids' interests (be it horses, ballet, or whatever.) It can be a very lonely existence for a lot of women. Of course, many are completely fulfilled and that is great! Yet, I believe there is a lot of misery under the guise of many doting mothers.

redcashlin

Dec. 30, 2008, 09:54 PM

When all is said and done, what will they all those "moms who gave up everything" have when the kids are gone besides bragging rights. Better to preserve a little dignity and self respect along the way and indulge yourself with a dream of your own.

lovemyrobin

Dec. 30, 2008, 11:20 PM

Because this is my chance to ride, my chance to own my horse, my time to be able to PHYSICALLY do what I want to do with horses. My 15 yr old will probably ride til college, then she will probably do other things in her life and will one day wake up at the age of 40 and decide to ride again.

It is a huge sacrifice owning 2 horses, trying to do a few shows a year (3 for me and 8 for the daughter) but I enjoy being the "show mom" and I am so proud of what my daughter has accomplished. But she also knows that my horse stays, and her horse is the one for sale if finances ever force us to downsize.

Our time together at the barn, around the horses, and at shows is very precious to me because we don't fight. There is not the mother vs rebellious teenager drama when we are around the horses. We need that time because she and I tend to butt heads a lot lately as she is getting older.

My daughter and I doing what we love

http://good-times.webshots.com/photo/2810695740055040504NgXNiQ

SLW

Dec. 30, 2008, 11:51 PM

Seems like it is more a question of balance than giving up rights. It is good for children who see secure parent(s) with passion/interest that makes them happy. If the parent(s) passion means the childs interest is constantly ignored, that is wrong & selfish of the parent, IMO. If a parent's passion becomes a family activity, that is icing on the cake. :)

OTOH, it is not attractive to see a parent completely beholden to the every whim and fantasy of a child. Those children develop the "Precious Syndrome" and are a bore to be around worse yet, be friend to your child and guest in your home. When my youngest daughter was in third grade she brought home a PS classmate one afternoon. That classmate spent exactly one afternoon in our home then went on the "keep out" list.

Trakehner

Dec. 31, 2008, 07:38 AM

Seems like it is more a question of balance than giving up rights....it is not attractive to see a parent completely beholden to the every whim and fantasy of a child. Those children develop the "Precious Syndrome" and are a bore to be around worse yet, be friend to your child and guest in your home.

Sadly, too much of society has become "child centric"...the child is all powerful, all needy and shall not be made unhappy. Screw that. They're a member of the family, not the shining star to be bowed down to....but not in many families. I watched a mother at Dover tell her visibly snotty daughter (while buying the brat $2,000 of britches) "Don't tell your father". Yep, what a lucky guy with these two in his life.

Share your life with your kid, don't give it up for them. If the kid wants to ride (and the rest of the family doesn't have to sacrifice), great...but it should be fair. Should the parents give up their hobbies so the kid can show and all that entails? No. Should the siblings be tossed a ball and told, "go play x-ball at school" your sister's hobby is more important and we don't have enough to support your passions. No...but I've seen this happen a lot.

Share the family interests with the kids, don't give them up for the kid. I've seen way too many mothers allowing themselves to be treated like "rented mules", being snarked at by their darlings...and fathers sitting miserably in the truck waiting for the hunter show to end so they could provide additional help if needed. Pathetic. If it's not your hobby, it's a job. The parents already have jobs.

crazy gray horse

Dec. 31, 2008, 10:46 AM

Starda - your daughter is a lovely rider!

SLW said it very well. There has to be balance - I don't think giving up your dreams or desires is healthy at all. There is no reason you can't foster them right along side of your daughter's dreams.

ReSomething

Dec. 31, 2008, 11:27 AM

Seems like it is more a question of balance than giving up rights. It is good for children who see secure parent(s) with passion/interest that makes them happy. If the parent(s) passion means the childs interest is constantly ignored, that is wrong & selfish of the parent, IMO. If a parent's passion becomes a family activity, that is icing on the cake. :)

Nicely put.
No, I still have my tattered dreams but I'll put them off to the side a little for my DD. But re boating - well, don't ever get into the world of yacht racing - fast boats and fast living - they don't call those guys "rock stars" for nothing. So really it is all how you approach it - as a shared activity, or one of several activities that different family members enjoy and the rest of the family supports/has input in.

didgery

Dec. 31, 2008, 11:59 AM

My mom, my daughter and I all ride. My husband and I are just making ends meet and I can't afford lessons, boarding or horse ownership for myself OR my own daughter (she's 8, and the oldest of three). Granny keeps ponies for the girls at her place so they ride when we can visit. Recently, my mom bought a gelding for us to share . . . and he turned out to be much more suitable for my riding preferences than for her own! I ride him three days a week, at no expense to me, and my wonderful mother is footing the bills out of the goodness of her heart. I wouldn't have expected it and I realize what a generous gift it is. Mothers can be like that.

I can't wait until we get ahead financially and I can assume responsibility for my own horse expenses, buy a horse or pony that will suit my daughter, and steer my younger two towards the horse life. 'Til then, I am VERY lucky that my mom is helping me keep riding into my adult life, and lucky that my girls have some great leadline ponies at their grandmother's house.

Brockstables

Dec. 31, 2008, 02:43 PM

I grew up with two sisters that rode, and two parents that had not the first clue about horses. We kept our horses at home, and we were responsible for their care (I got my first pony at age 6, and picked out his feet and groomed him and turned him out and fed him all by myself - I had a great riding instructor that came by twice a week to keep an eye on things, and my parents were on hand for emergencies) My youngest sister had scoliosis and was not able to do a lot of riding over the years (surgery). My middle sister was very competitive with me, and we had a blast riding all over the mountain that my aunt owned.
Some 20 years later, my middle sister has three children, and one of them is doing h/j at age 12. My sister has two personal horses, and the one for her daughter.
My youngest sister sadly gave up riding, and steals one of our quietest trail horses for an occasional jaunt.
I went on to fulfill my dream of sharing the horseworld with my own daughter, now 13. We trail ride on our own mountain, and take in rescue horses and find them new homes. We have three horses now, and rescues passing through that we both ride.
I would not give up my rides with my daughter for ANYTHING, even if trails are all we ever aspire to. I am raising a compassionate, responsible, generous, well rounded child that loves horses as much as I do. And that was my dream anyway.

jnel

Dec. 31, 2008, 05:26 PM

My daughter is 10 and we both have been taking lessons together for the last two years (I'm a 20 year gap rerider). I got to the point that I wanted to ride more than once a week and hoped to find a horse we both could ride. Well, the horse I ended up getting has worked out great for me. He is green with issues :lol: and my riding has improved so much. Both of us are blooming together. I don't regret putting daughters wishes for her own pony aside for my own 30 year dream of owning a horse. My daughter still takes lessons but I have never seen the same drive to ride that I had as a child. She enjoys riding but doesn't like doing the work of caring for a horse. At 46 I just wasn't going to wait any longer. Life is too short and after dealing with cancer I realized that I had one thing on my "bucket list" - to have my own horse. Now I am thrilled to be on this journey to see how much horse and I can improve.:)

MistyBlue

Dec. 31, 2008, 06:00 PM

Starda...I have the opposite problem: I'm a mom with 3 daughters. Not. a. single. one. rides. :eek: Seriously...I kid you not.
I took the normal "time off from horses" to do the grown up things...marriage, kids, mortgages, etc. My 2 older girls I didn't carry...the oldest is somewhat adopted (I was her legal guardian throughout her teen years) and the middle daughter is my step daughter technically. (we just call all 3 my daughters though) My youngest one has half my DNA and still has zero interest in riding. And there are horses right outside our door! I still can;t wrap my brain around that, LOL!
I got back into horses when my youngest was about 7 or so. She took lessons because she wanted to. Enjoyed it...and then my husband surprised me with a horse of my own again. Way too much horse for my daughter, but we did end up buying a small farmette and buying the youngest her ideal horse...right down to markings and eye color. She promptly decided that cheerleading was her passion in life and while the horses were adorable and fun to pet once in a while...she was over them. :lol: The oldest and middle daughters are actually AFRAID of horses...go figure.
So it can go either way...but having children does not mean the mom gets to do nothing at all. There's a balance...you're all members of the same family and all have equal value...whilst you can enjoy the extra authority. So while it may be impossible to afford 2 horses at once...it may be possible that at some point in the near future you lease or purchase a horse suitable for both of you. You both may have to compromise on some thing while horse shopping, but both of you can be happy with one horse. No reason not to share...if the Mom pays the bills the Mom gets to ride some. You may have to wait until she's 18 to have your own or to both be able to show...that's compromise. But stating you get nothing because you reproduced is ridiculous. And there's no reason your adorable daughter (she's a cute little slip of a thing on that pony!) can't share the horse. We do better as parents when we compromise rather than giving up everything to provide a perfect world for our children. She's old enough now to learn that Mom has rights and wants too and she'll probably be happy to share. You don't want her growing up thinking that once she becomes a wife and mother that she has to take the backseat in life too.